Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/22/14

Posted on July 22, 2014 by shit_toboggan

YA MISS ME FUCKERS?!??!!?! CAUSE I DIDN’T SEE ANY MENTION THAT IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY LAST WEDNESDAY!!! OR THAT I SUCCESSFULLY LANDED AN OLLIE BEFORE I TURNED THIRTY CAUSE I’M A FUCKING AGING NEVER-WAS SKATEBOARDER!!! DID YOU FORGET I WORKED HERE TOO??!?!?! TAKE MY DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!

Just kidding folks, you can keep talking with the dick in your mouth. I think it’s adorable.

Anyways, hello and thanks for visiting, I was off last week to spend some time with my family as a birthday present from my fantastic girlfriend who insisted I go on a fun trip before I come to Canada to spray my DNA all over her for the rest of time. I did a lot of walking around in Seattle and bought a fuckload of comics, and saw the new Planet of The Apes movie, which fully reinforces Jason Ellis’ belief that monkeys will one day conquer us, and if we treat them with a bit of dignity, they may not enslave us like that one time when Charlton Heston went to the future and found out that Soylent Green is made of humans. But enough about me, cause I’m here to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a whole lot of music cause I guess there was some fire that needed to be put out or that pesky sentient flying scrap of paper from the other day was back and required gawking or some such shit, but then the guys came on and started talking about how Jason was late cause he was coming from the Fighter and the Kid podcast with Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub, and that was a fun start to the day. What wasn’t a fun start to the day was driving in early morning LA traffic and having to deal with Los Angeleans who think they’re more important than everyone else and are allowed by the State Of California to legally operate multiple tonnage of mechanical equipment in public. A FedEx truck side swiped the Wing and spun out his truck and kept on rolling cause FedEx is a shitty organization and I’ve gotten more shipments late, damaged or missing from them than any other company, so it would make sense that their truckers are also incompetent and have no common courtesy like stopping when you might have killed somebody. The truck is pretty fucked too, whole bed side, the way Ellis tells it. There’s lots of construction going on too, so that’s slowing down traffic and reducing motorist IQ points at a staggering rate, so you can’t hold Jason completely responsible for being a few minutes behind. On the plus side though, Los Angeles is so fucked up pavement-wise that the world of Mad Max may come true in Southern California very soon! Rude Jude stopped in to hang out for a bit and rehash his experience kneeing the punch pad and sucking at it. There was some talk of how Frank DeCaro may be a middle aged gay Italian, but the Romans were conquering all kinds of shit with folks like him leading the way generation after generation, just look at Catholicism!!! The boys did a bit of jaw-jacking about the trucker incident this morning and how the guy was probably so desperate to keep his job that he was hoping nobody got the license plate so he wouldn’t get reported. This got us into the topic of snitching cause sometimes it’s the right thing to do, but you can be a dick like Tully was in elementary school and snitched on a kid for eating Doritos in the bathroom. Ellis fired off some ideas at Jude about what to do with his now fucked up Dodge Ram, and most of them were just ghetto enough for a younger Jude to appreciate, but not so much for the new improved well-groomed designer drug aficionado Jude. One idea that Jude could get behind though, is the sprint-slow-down workout that Ellis suggested to him a little while ago, and it was some rough shit for McDuder, but he pulled it off. Jude has noticed that as he’s getting older it’s getting a bit harder to bust a nut, but he found some herbal cock pills that are doing the trick splendidly. The guys discussed frontier medicine for letting loose a shot of jizz and how when Tully’s old, he’s gonna relish having a load that takes forever so he can laugh maniacally at his wife for being done before he is. There were some stories about extreme/premature ejaculation and how grown up ladies in Australia have no qualms about banging high school boys and feeding them and letting six unchecked loads in a row from the same penis land in their ovaries. One time, Jason banged a lady and she started crying after the fact, but being the guy he was back then, he just left. Jude on the other hand, loves it when a girl starts crying and will fuck them again, or for the first time, depending on the situation. This led to talk about “what the fuck is it with you emotional bitches always crying about shit, it’s only some dick!” and there were a few phone calls and tweets from ladies who have taken part in this kind of stuff. Jude once made a girl start crying when they tried out some rough play but forgot to pick a safe word. One guy called in to tell the guys that every time his wife cums, she cries, and after a whole bunch of years, it’s not such a bad thing because he knows he got the job done. Another guy called in to say that he doesn’t know when he’s been taken off hold, but the next guy said his wife actually stops breathing when he fucks her proper, which is as close to fucking someone to death as you can legally get and still call it an achievement. Another guy called in with a crying girlfriend story about how he had her riding his hog and all of a sudden he felt her tears dripping down on his chest. Next caller said she only cries from anal, which is understandable when you do it too rough. You gotta romance that butthole way more than that vagina, boys, just remember that. The guys talked a while about how you’ve really gotta be a friend to the chili ring, or else it just turns back into the shit locker and it’s way less fun for everybody. Another guy said his girl started crying and had to go run for some medicine or something. A GIRL called in to let the guys know that sometimes it’s not cause women are insane, sometimes they just cry because sex can be a beautiful, intimate moment of deep connection between two people, sharing both body and soul in an amazingly pleasurable experience, and then she went on to explain that she’s had years of psychological problems and that pretty much killed her entire argument. Time to get some Lou Reed up ya, and not that Lou-Tallica crap, we’ll be back ya cunt satchels.

Have you sent in your crappy demo for unsigned bands yet? If you haven’t yet, you can still fire that off to submittoellis@gmail.com and watch your life’s work get shat on by Cassette Coast!!! There’s still time!!! The guys talked about some of the features of SiriusXM online, like on demand and how many people are listening to it and tweeting shit at them from too long ago for anybody on the show to remember. It’s looking like there’s a lot more people now who can’t catch the whole show so they listen to it when it’s more convenient, like after I get home from work where I’ve been inundated with telemarketers and other people’s problems all day and have had to keep pausing the show, so much so that I’ve got 2 hours of delay built up and I have to finish a recap, so the on demand works really well for me on Tuesday. Or when I’m on vacation and not near my computer and out doing stuff all day, I can on demand it while I’m sleeping on a shitty air mattress at my aunt’s house. But that’s not important, cause it’s AUSSIE NEWS TIME!!! But first, the guys wanted to take some calls from ladies who might be interested in dating Hot Dog the Intern, so that they could have a dating game type thing or just listen to ladies throw their snatch smack in his face and see how he would react to it. One lady called in thinking she would be dating an actual hot dog, not Hot Dog The Intern, and god dammit if she didn’t hang up before the guys could get her on the air for a few minutes of radio idiot shaming gold. But, Aussie News, some lady who got elected to some government office, was getting questioned during an interview and made a clear proclamation that she loves a huge cock and doesn’t shave that pussy. So, back to Hot Dog getting some stank on the hang low, Three ladies called in to play the dating game and Hot Donna almost sounded like she had a voice changer on, but it turns out she was just 50 years old. Hot Dog started off the questions by asking one lady if she would put his big ass up on her shoulders so that he could catch some free picks or drumsticks and she said she’d help, but couldn’t guarantee that her lower back would handle the load of all that Hot Dog, BUT SHE COULD HANDLE HIS LOAD ON HER GRILLE!!! AAOOOHH!!!!! Next, Hot Dog asked Hot Donna how stretchy her vagina is, because he’s hung like a black man in Alabama pre-civil war! And she said she could probably handle it, maybe with a bit of finesse and lubrication, but there shouldn’t be any real major issues. He asked one of the other ladies the same question and she declared that she’s got the elasticity of a teenager, so no matter how girthy the dong, she can slip it in as smooth and comfortable as a fresh pair of socks. Hot Dog’s next question for her was whether or not she’d be OK with a guy who can blow himself, and she said that if nothing else, it’s a show worth telling your friends about so no bad blood between them thus far. Next question was for the first lady, Hot Dog wanted to know her opinion on back hair and she gave a reasonable answer that in small doses it’s acceptable, but Sasquatch is gonna have to wait in the car, unless he wants a naked shaving from her, in which case she’s happy to help. Hot Dog followed this up by asking the same lady how she would take it if he made her eat a turd, then waited for her to shit it out, then vomited it, then shot a load on it, if she would still love him after the experience. Her answer was that she wouldn’t necessarily volunteer for the act, but if you really love someone and want the deepest connection possible, there’s not much closer two people can get then vomit shit cum vomit cum shit vomit shit. Hot Donna was a bit more open minded to the scenario, which warrants wondering how badly she needs companionship, but then again, she’s Hot Donna, and considering Hot Dog’s next question, she’s certainly man enough to strap on a strap-on and peg the bejeezus out of his panda-like rectum. She’d even wear her tool belt and hard hat, cause she is in fact a construction worker. Next question for the other lady, would she be willing to let a friend tag in to finish off Hebrew National if she needed to give the pussy a rest from his Sears Tower sized doom spigot? And just like slut magic, in her own words, “The more the merrier.” Next question, if she was stuck on a desert island with his fleshy Tower Of Babel, what would she do with it? After watching him blow it (of course), she said she would give it a quick rinse in the ocean to clear up some of the throat scum, then attempt to swallow it whole, come hell or asphyxiation from laryngeal blockage. The other lady answered that she would make it a point to DIE of an acute addiction to rubbing her nipples all over his dick, forsaking the need for food, fire or shelter. Hot Donna said she would basically treat it like a purse sized dog that occasionally wants to ejaculate in her mouth, but she lost the game when she stated that there would be no anal. So sorry, Hot Donna, but some chick named Jennifer is gonna be climbing the skyscraper that Hot Dog is swinging around between his thighs. Tully found a video (from BitPimps) of a guy who made a how-to series on anal breathing and massage, and it sounds like the terrorist manifesto of a pedophile fart hammer fundamentalist. Just the way he said asshole and spoke about the tranquility of a baby’s asshole, it would make any decent cop murder the mother fucker on sight, not even for the principle, just cause you can see it in his eyes. And there was some extreme farting as well, which sounded like some of the old sound drops the fans sent in a couple years ago, but with the way this guy was doing his anal breathing, it flowed pretty seamlessly with the show. Then Jason played SunnO))) and we all could tell that there may be some embellishment in the background noise we were hearing over the narrative of breathing through one’s own ass. Then he broke out some beads and we all got to wondering how Google hasn’t taken this down from YouTube, but apparently there was some loosely medical connotation to the whole thing, so I guess it flies. The guys took a few minutes to contemplate suicide or locking their children inside for the rest of their lives to protect them from this monster, and also to set up whatever they were gonna do in the next hour.

You might not have known this, but there was a tree planted in memory of George Harrison in Los Angeles. You know, the backup guitarist of the Beatles? Well, in a feat that can only be called the act of a vengeful god, the tree was killed by beetles. Real life honest to Satan beetles. I’m not a religious man, but this just smacks of some kind of cosmic malice to me. I don’t even like the Beatles all that much, but the only way it could be more ironic is if Yoko was the one who introduced them to that tree as a new habitat. That’s not the most horrible thing that’s gonna happen today though, cause if you hadn’t caught it on twitter, it’s Cumtard’s birthday!!! And as punishment for his failed attempt at getting a male stripper for Tully’s birthday, this time the guys set him up with a proper one to come and slap his whang all over the Tard’s cranium and butthole. And that is his cosmic punishment for going to see Motley Crue last night, cause as awesome as a lot of their music was, Vince Neil can’t reproduce the notes that made them stars, and also killed a kid while driving drunk, so he should not be paid any further from live performances. Plus, didn’t the band all sue each other and declare their retirement at the end of last year? After Cumtard was done being sodomized with extreme prejudice, Jason and Tully made sure to properly ridicule Cumtard for his previous attempt at male strippers being brought in to embarrass the birthday boy, and did a quick inventory of what may or may not have gotten damaged during the aggressive display of dick-spinning interpretive dance that was performed in the studio. The guys talked about getting old and how Cumtard better find his Yoko before too much longer, or else he’s gonna turn into that kid from Clerks 2, endlessly talking about Jesus and Lord Of The Rings and Pussy Trolls (Google it, I can’t explain it well enough in this format, it needs to be witnessed). Tard has gone on a few dates but hasn’t been particularly amazed by anyone just yet, so there’s still more stalking to be done to find that one girl you wouldn’t leave alone no matter how many yards the court tells you is the minimum distance allowable from their house or place of business. Jason has recently come to the realization that he doesn’t want the type of friends that want to see his dick, and vice versa, cause there needs to be a point in his relationships where nobody needs to set their dick on anyone’s shoulder at a party. The guys put the question out to the fans asking what they think Jason’s channel should be called, on the far outside chance that SiriusXM gives him his own channel. There were some great suggestions, such as Ellistronics, Valhalla, Wolfknife Radio, The Baby, Master Of Puppies, Narcoleptic Narwhal, Barter Town, EllisFam, The Wolf Pack (which is completely fucked by the Hangover movie franchise), The Pube, Your Mum’s Fishtank, The Farthole, Future41, The Cave, Hail Satan, The Cockodile, The Rocktopus, The Glory Hole, Awesome World, The Wing, The Toe Cutter, Fromunda 41, Outback Maniac, The Tard, Radio Fight Club, Splooge Mountain, Will’s a Racist, 41 Jump Street, Sum 41, Cum 41, Ellis Island, 6 Pounds Of Sound, The Rape Room, Skull Fuck, Butt Town, Red Dragin Radio (which would be a copyright issue, but a respectable effort nonetheless), EllisNation, Los EllisEs, The Schism, Facti-OFF, Black Guys Wear Black, Ellis The Red, Against The Grain, Sausage Party, Massive Poopies, Blitzkrieg 41, The Didjeridoo, The Gas Chamber, Muska Kills, Bogan Brigade, The Cocktagon, The Goat, The Woodsman, The Gape, Horse Force, Welcome To Hellis, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause they were actually trying to take this a little bit seriously cause it is kinda big and permanent-ish, but I assure you, they were hilarious on twitter. Ellis’ contract officially expires tomorrow and he needs to sign the new one, but there may have been a mix-up in the most recent draft he was given and they’re trying to get it sorted out. The guys talked UFC for a bit after reading a quote from Dana White about how an insane Irish fighter reminds him of Ronda Rousey for some reason or another. Tim Silvia is a great friend of the show, and might be getting a shot at moving his way through the ranks of the UFC towards a title shot after fighting Dustin Porier. But that’s all speculation at this point, so let’s all drift away into Awesome World for a bit and regroup.

A Chinese art collector spent $39 million on an antique tea cup, cause I guess $20 grand for making potato salad on KickStarter wasn’t enough in the grand scheme of ridiculous spending at the hands of the public, but the real kicker is that this guy used his AmEx to make the purchase and it gained him a net profit of 422 million American Express Rewards points due to the overseas purchase and exchange rates and such, so basically he’s got airfare for life or enough food to balloon up to 7,500 pounds and starve an entire industrialized country to death, all on the rewards system from American Express. Don’t leave home without it!!! The guys played some clips of classic rock singers belting out their signature vocals, and the guys had to guess if they could still hit the notes live. First up was Robert Plant, and the guys unanimously agreed that there’s no way he’s still pumping out his signature high notes, and they were right, as demonstrated by a 2012 performance of Kashmir. After that was Meatloaf and hot patootie, bless my soul, he still has the pipes for rock and roll, despite the guys thinking he probably can’t cause of the testicular cancer and bitch tits thing we learned about in Fight Club. Next up we heard Loretta Lynn joining in with the Loaf, and she’s still got it as well. Next we got a taste of Vince Neil, who we’ve already confirmed can’t do it, but his public ridicule is still entertaining in small doses. After that was Roger Daltry and he can still bang it out, when he’s not high as fuck or phoning it in due to lack of interest. After that was David Lee Roth who refuses to give up the ghost on the tarnished legacy of Van Halen, post Van Hagar years. Then we heard one from the new lead singer of Journey, Stevie Engrish Superfan or whatever the fuck his name is, and if Steve Perry was dead, he’d be rocketing out of his grave towards the sun if he heard this. Next up was the ladies in Heart and despite growing up a bit, their voices have only matured like a fine whiskey, and if you had a bottle of some you could probably still get a dick spinning duet from the Wilson Sisters. After that we heard a selection from Axl Rose, still belting it out like his lungs are gonna fall out his rectum, but he doesn’t have the staying power to keep it going very long. Next we got a sampling of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie’s still got it, but everyone else in the band can fuck right off. Next down the line was Elton John and I guess the cure for every physical problem is gay sex cause as long as you don’t get the HIV you pretty much stay a champion forever. After that was A-Ha doing Take On Me and if this is how it sounded like in 2010, I’d say that jam is never gonna die. Finally, we got a taste of Steven Tyler doing dream on from 2013 and despite having throat surgery in 2007, when I saw them two weeks after, he was still pounding it out like it was 1976 all over again. The guys talked classic rock and rumors about our favorite stars for a bit, then brought the rest of the crew in to belt out some lines from their favorite classics. WILSON came in hot with a decent Meatloaf. Hot Dog dropped a fully terrifying rendition of Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus. Cumtard came in to fire off a bit of Fuel by Metallica, and basically live tarded the tune just with actual words instead of sound effects. Finally we heard Jetta’s best feeble attempt at giving us something from Thrice and since Thrice sucks I really can’t criticize his efforts on this one, but if he was covering any of the other songs it would have counted as a fail. Jason started giving Jetta shit for not being able to recite lyrics for good music the way the rest of the developed world can. Will got back on the microphone to show a true display of his singing abilities which he was holding back on before, and after some vocal pointers from the guys, he was like a younger Meatloaf incarnate, with his testicles still intact, just in the possession of his ex wife. There were some final calls and stuff and god dammit it’s close to show time and lunch time and I’ve been ignoring shit at work and we’re too busy for that this week, so when you’re done reading this go clean your room and cut me some firewood.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/8/14

Posted on July 8, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Guess who’s back in the mother fuckin’ house? WIT A FAT DICK FO’ YA MOTHA FUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! That’s right folks, you couldn’t keep me away from this shit if you tried, unless I went on vacation next week and needed someone to cover me, or I got the kind of job that required more continuous involvement instead of spurts of attention between slow periods in the day. Luckily for you though, I get to give a glorious report on the events of the Jason Ellis Show’s second day back from vacation and after the quality programming we got yesterday, today better be fucking amazing or so help me god I will strangle a kitten and make Thai food with it’s entrails! Let’s get into it! So, today kicked off with Jason talking about how Khloe Kardashian has a radio show but none of it would be possible if Usher hadn’t stuffed his dick in Kim’s box. The rest of the staff were looking out the window at some construction going on and Jason and Tully had to rip into them for expressing their childlike wonder at men using big machines. Hot Dog showed up to work stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and the guys spent a few minutes on that. Medical marijuana doctors all seem like rub and tug parlors, according to Tully, but this is America and we keep sex out of all forms of media unless we think we can sell something to somebody with it. Some UFC fighter passed out while warming up for a fight over the weekend, probably because he’s 7 feet tall and gigantic people are really well known for having heart problems. There was some more UFC talk and stuff, and I was feasting on an avocado and cream cheese sandwich, so it all kind of slipped past me. Something about Michael Jordan and how all the hustle and drive in the world can’t replace a certain amount of talent. Cumtard still has cysts all over his head, but that doesn’t trump the cysts in Ronda Rousey’s fist that popped over the weekend. Jetta tried to film WILSON taking his pants off and Rude Jude was in studio to give a play by play of Pendarvis’ fucked up knee. Seriously though, Will’s knee is fucked up, which means we can probably stop talking shit on him being a vag at that basketball tournament the show had like 2 years ago. Jason gave WILSON some old skateboarder frontier medicine on how to ice down swollen joints, and it probably sank in, but WILSON is from the south so he’s probably got some tricks of his own. Jude asked Jason if he thought that WILSON might do some real irreversible damage to Cumtard and the answer was very vague so it’s very possible we’ll be watching an actual drunken street fight between two people with an 80 pound weight difference and no concern for getting arrested. Bruce Willis was in a commercial for Seagram’s wine coolers back in the day, and the reason we know this is cause Jude is a little high and when you’re a little high you remember shit that doesn’t have anything to do with anything but can make great conversation. One time back when Jason and Andrea were still married, an overweight girl’s titty popped out in front of them and the only way Ellis could get away with it was to say “Ewwwww” which is sometimes the correct answer even when your wife doesn’t keep your testicles in a Dolce & Gabana purse. Fabio is the least acceptable musician to have ever lived and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times for being allowed to record an album. Jude noticed that the beat really was on par with almost everything else from the late 80’s/early 90’s, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s Fabio and he sounds like a Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. In case you didn’t catch it on twitter and Instagram over the weekend, I’m back on instagram, and also Jason has been in contract talks with SiriusXM and it’s looking like he’s getting a little bit more favor in the company, so kudos for all the hard work. And you can see stupid pictures of me doing shit at shit.toboggan on the insta. Or you could do me a real favor and assassinate Mark Zuckerberg, either one. The guys finally got the audio of Bruce Willis whoring himself out for Seagram’s wine coolers and if that’s not 80’s enough, he had a full head of hair when it happened, and GOD DAMN IF IT ISN’T THE MOST EPIC EMBARRASSING SHIT YOU COULD EVER HAVE IMMORTALIZED ON THE INTERNET!!! AND HE SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF A BLACK GUY AND A DOG!!! AAAAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAAAAHAA!!!
If I had the free time at work, I would have cried a little. And to top it all off, he got fired as the Seagram’s spokesperson after he got arrested for drunk driving. But hey, at least he spawned two good looking daughters, one of whom insists on getting naked in public and is not offensive to the eyes when she does so, soooooo… Fuck yeah, Willis. Then they played one of his originals from “The Revenge Of Bruno” and it’s one of those music videos that takes us back to a time like when Paula Abdul danced on a staircase with someone dressed as a cat. Oh, to have been alive in a time when cocaine was non habit-forming. I imagine it must have been just like all of my favorite 80’s movies where nothing bad ever happened to anyone except stuffy rich people with no style. After hearing more of his music, the guys determined that Bruce Willis needs to open for Horse Force/Death!Death!Die!/Taintstick at the next EllisMania. Jude moved into a sweetly gentrified new apartment recently and is enjoying the shit out of it. That’s right, no more gay Mexican tweakers breaking in to rummage through his shit. The guys took a break to let Jude get back to his day job and get ready for a guest they had lined up, and I got to listen to the only song by the Beatles that was ever given a proper cover, and then some Machine Head to smash my head against the desk to.

Coors Light Canada had to apologize after an intersection got closed off due to some promotional stunt, and in a shocking display of Caniadianism, the townspeople accepted the apology, and everybody went out for Tim Horton’s and poutine afterwards. Amber Lyon stopped by to hang out with the guys today. If you don’t know who she is, WELCOME TO THE BABY SEAL CLUB!!! Amber is a journalist for some company which didn’t get mentioned in the meet and greet. The guys are really impressed with Amber because she doesn’t have a TV personality voice or act like the re-skinned cybernetic husk of Tom Brokaw. I for one don’t watch the news, cause it’s primarily lies or pointless distractions, and if I wanted all that, there’s still HBO, but if this lady was talking I would be less offended at the whole situation. Amber is on board with Aubrey from Onnit and all the other ayhuasca MMA extreme fitness Dolce diet crowd, and was nice enough to bring a piece for Ellis to get up himself when the time is appropriate. So, everybody talked psychedelics for a while and all the really fun mind expanding wall destroying times you can have on them, however it’s important to be careful, or much like an old friend of mine, you will get wrestled to the ground by the police in your own home and have a taser barb fired into your asshole while trying to carry a conversation with Jesus. So, Amber is an Emmy winner and made a documentary on some aspect of the ridiculous state that Americans leave the Middle East in every time we go to “visit” (by visit I mean pilfer natural resources and keep brown people under raps). She seemed to have a pretty good eye for what was going on around her and didn’t get shot by any of the fringe groups and got to expose the glaring hypocrisy of everything that the US has done in the middle east for a fuck ton of years, but y’know, in the name of freedom, not personal gain for the oil companies and weapons manufacturers we elected TWICE just a few years back. She also did a story on how it’s ridiculously easy to get medical grade heroin but in most states you’ll still go to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for getting caught with a dime bag of weed. So, all in all, not a hateable person in my opinion. Amber heard about that whole “bubbling” trend and had to ask Ellis about it and he kinda dodged telling her about that time he wanted to be Lyoto Machida, but did tell her about getting so drunk he passed out face down and woke up second away from crib death by way of nocturnal emission. There was some more ayhuasca talk and being a guy that hasn’t done drugs in a long time, it’s only slightly making me feel like I missed out on a good time, and kind of makes me want to tell Ellis to either go on a bender and get some new stories about it or just quit bringing it up. Amber suggested that Jason should try MDMA therapy cause she apparently doesn’t know he already tried that and that may be part of the cause for some of the spotty connections that go on in his head now. There was some more talk about how dropping acid is therapeutic, except when you catch a taser barb in your asshole, or when you’re the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous and you drop a bunch of acid to try and treat one of the outlying symptoms associated with being an alcoholic. Really, what I’m trying to say is, don’t do things that might get you a taser barb in the asshole. I just can’t find any reason why that might be something I would recommend. More psychedelics talk, and then some more, and more promoting hippie frontier medicine, and all kinds of other stuff that didn’t particularly pique my interest. But hey, somebody probably got a lot out of it, and the god damn world doesn’t revolve around me, so those are the two most important things to take away from the last hour. The guys watched some fottage of a news piece Amber did about ladies in mixed martial arts, and as those of us who have been listening for a while would know, Every opportunity for sexual inuendo was taken and beaten to death. And then they started talking about Wolf Blitzer for no discernable reason. But then Death!Death!Die! came to break up the pow wow so that we could move onto other more important things. Like farts and crib death.

Kit Cope relayed a video to the guys of a musical performance by KIevin Costner, and it was like they put “The Postman” in song and tried taking the show on the road, which would warrant me demanding that Kevin Costner be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Hopefully it wasn’t a cover song, cause I would triple the royalties if he butchered something I created like that. The guys talked for a while about just where in the shining blue fuck did Kevin Costner come from? The real answer is Lynwood, CA, but Jason still holdsa true that he was birthed at a Red Lobster during a Satanic rite that also produced the script for Robin Hood: Prince of thieves and Waterworld. Tully floated the idea that if McDonald’s started selling a $0.99 ribeye steak, nobody would ask any questions cause Outback would already have countered with their newest delicacy: Steak-on. That’s right, a steak made of bacon. Obesity is only a problem if you stop telling people it’s good for them. The boys discussed Mike Catherwood because at the go kart races last week he was looking fantastic, but they could see his former junkie/roid freak side come out on the track. This gave Jason the idea to bring in the Catherwood couple for counselling on the Jason Ellis show every so often cause sometimes fucking with other people’s healthy relationships for entertainment can be a good god damn time. Jason is trying to get a line in his contract that would bring about a FUCKING WORLD WIDE WOLFKNIVES GATHERING TOUR LIKE THE JUGGALOS BUT WITH ALL NATURAL GREEN DRINKS INSTEAD OF FAYGO AND A LOT LESS CRYSTAL METH!!!!!!!! And there’s gonna be some new Wolfknives gear coming out in the near future, even stuff for the ladies, so if you want a running joke about Vespas to drape over your titties, just keep your eyes on the Wolfknives online store! Tully recounted a theory that he’s heard about how lotto winners don’t usually end up as happier better people just cause they get a bunch of money and equated it to his own experiences with having a certain constant level of stress and how even if you solve a problem there’s always gonna be another one and we all die. Plus, a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and giving them large amounts of financial independence just magnifies all the shitty ideas they normally wouldn’t have been able to act on. Jason has been keeping in touch with his stepmom more often lately and they seem to be forming a much better bond than when he was a kid and the only thing they had in common were a couple relatives. The guys took some phone calls to get ideas on what Ellis should do in a hotel room with a bunch of fans and friends of the show and organize some stunts and games to have people do. Some of the suggestions were weed lube wrestling, animal bites with Donald Schultz, drunken stripper contest, and a serious delay in answering phones to get more ideas care of Hot Dog being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Whle they waited for Hebrew National to get up to speed with everybody who didn’t go to the same high school as Cumtard, Tully read us a news story about a girl in Ireland who went to some far off mystical resort where the bartender convinced this young lady to blow 24 dudes for a free drink and apparently there’s video floating around on the internet and I saw this news story on a couple sites, so it’s probably very true and does show that Europeans are just not as uptight about sex as we are and if it was consesual, it’s not a fucking problem for anybody. The ideas started flowing in for this super model party, first up was a vibrator hot potato relay race, then nude armwrestling, drunk obstacle course racing, Wet T-shirt contest with the new Wolfknives gear, ass-groping contest, anal bead tug-of-war, strip hi-low and the loser gets drawn on with body paint and sharpies, blindfolded drunken stripper miniature golf, strip sting pong, finger painting with your tits, 20 women independently ranking each other (cause bitches got no loyalty and stereotypes don’t fall out of the sky), pillow fight tournament and photo shoot, topless pogo sticking, pin-the-tail-on-the-Cumtard, what’s in my box/what’s on my tits (probably the latter cause lawyers are uptight cunts), strip limbo, and that was all they could handle for the day. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Madonna got excused from jury duty which is fucking fantastic cause I wouldn’t trust her to be a reasonable jury member in any capacity whatsoever. Wendy Williams is turning 50 and went on the Today Show to fulfill her dream of being a singer and it was nothing too special unless you’re the type to hang around the Today Show crowd being a hokey shithead who would be pumped as all fuck to watch Wendy Williams butcher a Diana Ross song. It was almost as bad as Kevin Costner, and she should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Pink Floyd is gonna release a new album this October and I didn’t think I could hate them any more than I already do, but that’s sure to change by year’s end. The guys talked Living Colour for a bit cause apparently Vernon Reed is like Jimi Hendrix reincarnated, but then they started talking Floyd again and I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention cause I already lived with hippies once and for where I’m at today, the less Floyd the better. Roy Horn, of getting mauled by a tiger and being a gay Vegas magician fame, is being sued by a guy for being creepy as fuck and making unwelcome sexual advances, which I have no trouble believeing at all cause just one Sigfried and Roy billboard is an unwelcome sexual advance. DMX is gonna get his wages garnished to cover child support cause a black man in America can never cautch a break. Sting’s kids are trying to cash their trust funds early cause apparently money is good. The guys talked a while about how the children of rich kids almost always grow up to be the most ungrateful pieces of shit on the planet. And finally, Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory is gonna come back from retirement/cancellation for a seventh season!!! And the townspeople rejoiced.

AUSSIE CUNTS!!! I mean NEWS!!! If you didn’t know, Aussie rules football has elements of American football and basketball and everybody’s getting beaten about the head and face as all sports should be played. What’s important about all that is that some Aussie sick cunt performed the first documented on-field choking of an opposing player and had to be pulled off by all the members of the other team AND HE WOULD HAVE PUT THE FUCKER OUT TOO IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!!! Jason is gonna be on Dr. Drew On Call again tonight, as he does regularly on Tuesdays and Thursdays nowadays. Some lady abandoned a baby on the subway which doesn’t surprise me cause a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and this is why unwed mothers in biblical times were stoned. Tully found some more audio of Fabio singing R&B songs in the early nineties and I WANT FABIO DEAD!!! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEDNESDAY, YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!! But why this is important is because Cumtard is gonna try and recreate the vocal stylings in his own tard-tastic way with the Fabio accent and the speech jammer app. It sounded exactly like Fabio, the Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. It was quite entertaining too, like an extreme parody of itself. It was all kinds of meta, let’s just say that. Tully reported on a story about a family up here in the bay area who hired a nanny on a no pay basis in exchange for free room and board in their house and after a few weeks of really great service, the nanny essentially refused all services and went bat shit fucking crazy and won’t leave the house and is making all sorts of ridiculous demands and if you do a little more research you’ll find out that these people are all fucking terrible and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Long story short, no contract illegal employee who’s barred from suing anyone in California because she’s got a record of suing absolutely everyone, hired by a family with a stay at home mom who can’t be bothered to take care of her own kids, everybody’s liable to go to jail or be fined excessively if they take it to court, but the family wants an A&E series on their experience cause “fuck me in the ass homie” is the correct answer, and what the townspeople should do is burn down the house with all occupants except the children locked inside. The guys discussed the logistics of having the nanny killed by crocodile assassin and all of the logistical problems that might come into play in this particular scenario, like how to testify in your own defense against accusations of hiring a guy with a crocodile to remove an illegal tenant. The guys took some final calls to hear everybody’s best impression of Fabio and that was a bit of a treat, and Tony Hawk was live today so the guys finished up right at 4 PM sharp cause Tony Hawk is GAWD.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/24/14

Posted on June 25, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Sweet shit of Christ (which will be mentioned later on in the show today), I almost forgot it was my turn to do this today! But because of that, I got to hear an encore of Halo by Machine Head when I hit the rewind button on the online player to start at the beginning again, so fuck yeah for that. Since I’m too crunched for time to write a hilarious prologue, let’s get right into it, shall we? OK good, shut your gaping anus and pay attention. Today got started with Ellis talking about how shaving is a pain in the ass when you get old and all your hair has begun migrating from the places it used to be. Especially ass hair. But sculpting your chest hair is straight up doing too fucking much and you should mellow out if you’re doing it. Unless you’re in the UFC and it’s part of the corporate image, but everyone else should fucking stop. Shaving your balls can definitely make a difference at a job interview though, according to Tully. Jason is all about binge-watching Orange Is The New Black, and I still can’t bring myself to care about that show, but Tully has been all over every old Schwarzenegger movie that Netflix has to offer. Jason had some kind of drama with the ex due to some friend of her’s who’s been selling wolf tickets to a bullshit show and he had to defuse the situation but it’s still a headache when bitches be talking shit #AmIRight #NotAllWomen #ButAFuckinLotOfThem. The guys talked a while about how lying is not cool, especially cause lyin’ ass hoes be makin’ up stupid shit just for the sake of doin’ it cause they’re ain’t shit else they got going on that’s worth them devoting their time and energy to. And this kind of shit is why communication is key, ladies and gentlemen (especially you triflin’ bitches, you know who you are). Tully once sort of stalked an ex for one evening while wandering through New York back in the day, but she wouldn’t come down from her apartment long enough for him to slip her some Chloroform and take back what he rightfully discarded. Jason has been trying to arrange a family trip in an RV to go see the grand canyon, and the main concern is who’s gonna be the first carcass dragging behind the rear bumper after shitting in the RV. Jetta tried to explain that you can in fact empty the septic tank in a motorhome, but Ellis was not having any of it and will make his children walk fifty paces off the highway to shit in the desert. The guys discussed whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger was was doing coke with a fifteen year old girl on the set of any of the Conan movies, and how much liquor Andre The Giant could put down if he wasn’t dead from being humongously obese and french and an alcoholic. Tully found a prank video of a guy showing off his phone to some ladies and then it spontaneously gets a phone call from Drake, that’s right, the Canadian ex-pat emo R&B singer, and he’s been using this trick to slay the bitches cause human beings these days are a floundering cesspool of genetic filth and I for one am happy that climate change and poor access to proper nutrition in America will kill several million of them. I’m talking about both sides of this equation, the pick-up artist and any lady stupid enough to go on a date with him just cause he allegedly knows a shitty musician. He will impregnate one of you with an idiot baby that you will need public assistance to raise, and thus the cycle will continue, since poverty is hereditary as is being a fucking moron. The guys talked a while about some of the tricks that people have tried using to get in their pants, like one lady who was lurking the shit out of Jason while he was hanging out with Benji, and then she slipped him her number written on the inside of a candy wrapper or some such shit. And to come back around to my point about horrible human beings, remember the story about the little girl who got kicked out of KFC cause someone complained about all her pit-bull face scars? Well, that was a complete load of shit. Now, KFC is gonna give them $30,000 as a donation for her medical expenses, whether the story is true or not, but all the same, in the land of frivolous lawsuits, it becomes pointless to have real problems that you need help with, especially when you can open a Kickstarter account to raise money for yourself for having an annoying job. Tully keeps seeing TV commercials for all of the horrible things we put women through, like weight loss pills and hair-removal flashlights and class action lawsuits regarding failed vaginal mesh surgery, and I see all of this too and it reinforces my belief that mother fuckers need to start having some quality control with their fellow human beings. Jetta was supposed to spin the wheel of doom yesterday, but couldn’t because of some shit or another, so Jason wanted to have him do it today. If you remember from whenever the hell it happened, Jetta does have a get out of jail free card, but Ellis still felt the need to berate him for a mistake he made in getting the studio ready for the show at some point. I kinda missed all of this yesterday, but it seemed like the kind of thing that could have been less of a major issue. But whatever, let’s hear some Metallica.

So, in a display of how awesome the show has become in all these years, ICE T IS IN THE HOUSE BEEYITCH!!! In case you didn’t catch it, Body Count released a new album recently, which is probably why Ice is out doing stuff and talking to people and hanging out on the west coast when his day job is on Law And Order out on the east side. The guys talked music and stuff for a while and Ice T likes satellite for the fact that you don’t have to be radio rock to get played there, and Jason mentioned his own bands without mentioning that one song from the last album that originally came about as him making fun of the lyrics from Cop Killer. There was some talk about the use of the word FUCK and how it’s all situational, but if you need to say “Fuck The Police” it’s important not to censor yourself or let anyone else do it to you. Ice told us about his experience working on Law And Order, and it’s been pretty good to him cause he can play the one kind of cop he doesn’t hate and protect fictional innocent people from the hard shit going on in the streets. Ice gave a little back story on the ups and downs of Body Count throughout the years as well as a quick rundown of how they came about to make the newest record, and aside from losing their bass player to a drive-by and their drummer to leukemia, they’re still fucking shredding. And if you don’t believe me, check them out at the Mayhem Festival and also some metal festival that’s going on up in Canada that I didn’t catch the name of. Ice T told stories of all the big names in punk, hardcore and metal that he’s worked with, and how being a rock star can be really awesome cardio as long as you time your breaks well. Jason and Ice talked training and fighting and how it’s different when you’re an adult but it never hurts to know how to snap a crackhead in half, especially if you’re girlfriend’s around to see it, cause that’ll give her a massive lady boner. The guys talked about the new video for Talk Shit Get Shot cause TMZ had a problem with Body Count making a music video with a shitload of white people, but the real story was that the casting was thrown together in way too short a time and all they could get was honkies, plus Ice T is a pretty fair skinned black person, so it’s not a black on white crime thing. But it all boils down to Ice T hating those internet tough guy bloggers who talk all kinds of head about shit from a completely one sided perspective over some shit that’s just one small minority opinion on something that really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. And as a person who complains on the internet regularly, I can see his angle. Ice and the boys talked for a while about the ins and outs of dealing with fame journalists (paprazzi) and how no matter how worthless and disgusting they are as people, they mostly act that way cause they’re spiteful so if you treat them with a little dignity and courtesy, they’re a lot less likely to go out of their way to fuck up your day constantly. Tully was at the beach with Linsanity this weekend and saw the paparazzi stalking Gwen Stefani’s kids AGAIN, which made him think that maybe she’s calling them to let them know where she’s gonna be. The guys talked a while about how Ice doesn’t have to turn in his hood pass for playing a cop on TV cause all of his friends know who he is and the only people talking shit were people who didn’t know him before the fact. Old ladies think he’s a hero, and his charity is continuing to be Ice T and staying out of the ghetto. The guys played a cut off the new Body Count record and let Ice get back to whatever surely more important stuff he had to do in LA that day. But before they let him leave, he had to play his band’s cover of Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies and that shit was cut off by the Sirius/XM on demand player, but I’m sure I can find it on YouTube when I get the chance. I caught the first couple drum beats, it sounded pretty good. Definitely worth my time.

GO TO ONNIT.COM and enter a contest to get a free motorcycle! It’s for charity and Onnit does good things SO FUCK YOUR PROBLEMS JUST DO IT!!! Check your tits and balls for lumps too, cause cancer is a mother fucker! And if you have both tits and balls, well there’s probably a lucrative career in porn for you! Tully let a nice black lady fondle his balls to check for lumps and said it was a fantastic experience AND he didn’t have cancer!!! I’m sure the Dave Matthews band live performance in the background certainly made it a much more relaxing environment. Jason was listening to some lady he heard at the pride parade while he was in the shower and said it’s way more annoying when water is splashing on you than it is when everybody’s drunk and sun-stroked and FAAAAAAbulous. Tully found a video of a guy surfing a fucking massive wave and getting shitwhipped straight into the ocean cause that’s what happens when you’re not incredibly high level in the surfing world and take on a wave you probably shouldn’t. He came back to it again though, and got it handled on the second try, did even better than some fuckwit on a jet ski. There’s another video of a 10 year old skate prodigy going full tard at the Venice beach skate park and fucking himself up transitioning through the bowls or something like that. But hey, none of that is as dangerous as crystal meth, especially if you’re in Florida, and you get so high that you think someone is an alien and decide to start stalking them with an unregistered gun and talking crazy shit loud enough for someone to hear it and call the cops on you for being crazy and high on meth. He also said he was “a big deal” and had 100,000 Asian flowers, or something like that cause meth. Speaking of meth, it’s time for the Etsy game!!! Where Jason finds disturbing, kitschy gifts for his girlfriend and the rest of us think of more reasons to murder hipsters!!! Some of the fine goods the guys were able to find in the deep dark recesses of the Etsy this week were a flame patterned barbecue apron with a full on cock, balls and pubes (only $30!), a handmade life size replica of the hydraulic loader suit from the movie “Aliens” with working but not fully functional hydraulics (made entirely out of garbage and spare parts, a mere $1,600!!!), a 100% vegan cat fur suit (which seems fucking impossible to me, but you can own it for a scant $715 and it seems that a big part of the price is the realism factor of it!!!), a hoarder doll house cause in this day and age why the fuck not? (IT CAN BE YOURS FOR ONE EASY BUT RIDICULOUS PAYMENT OF $400), a painting made of vomited ink on three different canvasses (and what better price to pay for hazardous waste than $250?!?!?!?), a doll’s head bar of soap (for the one time only price of $10), a magical mystery box which could include jeweled beetle wings, porcupine quills, blown out bird eggs, rodent bones, shark teeth, Jesus Christ’s fossilized testicles, just basically a lot of animal parts and crap she found in the woods (no declared value for any of the possible contents, but you could either get a great deal or be completely fleeced by buying this box for $30), extra large buffalo scrotum for making baby toys or candy dishes out of (all at an outrageous deal of $32.95), a heart shaped locket filled with breast milk for the fucked up mother in all of us (at a mere $28), a leather sex mask with droopy dog eyes (a bargain at twice the price of $239), a gray fox’s FACE!!! no skull or other components included (for the doorbuster price of $7.95), and finally, a fossilized prehistoric turd from an unknown animal, very possibly a dinosaur (AT THE BIBLICALLY LOW PRICE OF $10,000) and once more, let it be known that idiots with money are a wide open market for stupid things that other people don’t want.

AUSSIE NEWS YA FUCKIN’ CUNTS!!! Apparently, Australians just can’t stop pissing into their own mouths, so much so that they’ve taken to creatively calling it “bubbling” and it is taking the nation by storm. Just proof that when you live in an isolated country, you will run out of things to do and sometimes creativity will take a turn for the worse. People are even doing it in public at rock festivals and skate parks all across the land. As common as it is though, most of the people still think it’s fucking weird and gross (as they should), they just aren’t doing much about it. Tully saw a book called the “Worst Case Scenario Handbook” and it describes some plausible solutions to when shit goes really bad, like surviving a plain crash miles away from any kind of help, or how to do a J-turn and ram a car out of your way, shit like that. This brought up the question of who would Hot Dog eat if he was trapped in the studio for months and everybody else was dead? Nate said that Kevin would be the first, even though he has head cysts. Kevin would try to win him over with belly rubs and such before hand, but that would not protect him from being barbecued in an empty oil drum for the enjoyment of the Faction staff on casual Friday. The guys agreed, and after EM10, Cumtard will be ground into marshmallowy sausages and the fans are all invited for beer and tard-brats in the parking lot of the SiriusXM high rise in downtown LA. Tully floated a few more of these worst case scenarios to see what the guys might do in unusual circumstances, like what would you do to survive an elephant stampede? Jason would make it a point to get the fuck out of the way, as most people should, Tully would try to climb a tree which is actually one of the suggestions the book made cause the elephants would be trying to avoid them, and Hot Dog would also try to get the fuck out of the way but somehow when he suggests it he sounds like an idiot. Luckily though, if an elephant finds your corpse they will have the decency to bury you. Next, how do you stop a car with no brakes? First obvious answer is the “EMERGENCY BRAKE” as most every vehicle is equipped with, just try not to swing it too hard or you’ll roll it. Tully would try coasting it to a stop, but if your brakes are out it’s probably not the best plan cause you wouldn’t know you’re brakes were out unless you were trying to stop, so in that case he would just turf it and let the car go were it wants to. Hot Dog would try downshifting if it were possible on that particular vehicle, and if that doesn’t help then just turf it, a la Michael Tully. Next, what would you do if the elevator you’re riding in just started falling? Ellis would knock out Hot Dog and use his carcass for padding, Tully would try to time a jump like some shitty action movie and we would all laugh at his funeral, and Hot Dog would do a hand stand cause he does not value his own survival. Here’s one, how would you escape from a boa constrictor? Conventional wisdom is that you don’t and become tasty snake treats, or rip the fucker’s head off if at all possible. There were more of these, and probably final calls and stuff, but I fell asleep watching the shittiest movie ever and got too busy at work this morning to listen to the last 20 minutes of the show, but luckily it’s almost time for another one so whatever I missed today shall be made up for in spades!

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/23/2014

Posted on June 23, 2014 by bitPimps 中

When SXM keeps cutting out.

Here we go, bust out your to-do lists and start checking off that 1 thing you did and take stock of the 99 other things you have not done yet. Donald Schwartz is supposed to be filming and editing Friday’s show at the go-kart track, so you should be able to see that on officialjasonellis.com at some point. Dingo promises to wait until 4PM or so to shut the event down, like he did last time when he purposely pulled a Nipplopolis and went the wrong way on the track. So else besides Dingo likes Steve Aoakley? EDC or CDC or BBC or something or another is selling more tickets than Coachella or some shit. Basically, Dingo had another very exciting and busy weekend filled with drinking and naps. Ellis has managed to work in 3 shits today already, Dingo did a little one, and Tully got ripped off with his shit today. Nobody feels good about a terrible shit. Did you know Christian James Hand took his scuba certification in the Hudson river? Yup. That’s pretty gross. My player kept cutting out so I’m kind of lost in all this. Some how this segues into when Ellis was younger, his dad had a panel van, all decked out that he’d take to panel van shows and look all cool with custom shag carpet and shit. Oh yeah, and his dad tried to teach the kids how to barefoot ski because real men do it barefoot. Something about Urijah Faber and taking skydiving to a whole new level with MMA while skydiving. I don’t know if I heard that right, but if I did, that sounds pretty fucking stupid.

Aubrey will rape your entire family just to get a workout in.

Aubrey Marcus called into the show today. He learned Ellis has already taken his 3 poo’s, had a cheat day yesterday, and has no nuts of the macadamia variety. So workout talk. Nothing helps you lose weight like long, protracted workouts. So what you want to do is do really short bursts of hardcore workout stuff then kind of go back to a normal, easier pace, and then do a hardcore burst again. You keep that cycle going and you’ll burn calories and lose weight like God himself came down and sucked the fat right out of your cock and tits. It’s all about abs and ass, abs and ass. Another, less healthy, and unattractive option could be anorexia, but I’m pretty sure nobody recommends that route. Most people take fish oil pills for the brain and insides, but Dingo used to put fish oil in his hair for awhile. I don’t know if that made his hair smarter or just smell like your mom’s vagina. So remember when @CrackerStacker6 tested out the speech jammer and tried rapping along to Put Your Balls On It? Go give it a listen if you haven’t heard, he also did a version of Target Practice that was hilarious as well. Well Tully asked Cullen to put his lyrics over the music track so they could let Dingo listen to it. It completely cracked everyone up and then it was time for Dingo to try to speak using the speech jammer. He fumbled around a bit, but was more like a woman about because he’d just stop and they’d have to prompt him to keep speaking.

Back from the break, it’s time to play the dating game – with a twist. Two of the three “suitors” will be using the speech jammer while answering the contestants questions. The suitors will be Nate Hotdog (not using the speech jammer), Cumtard, and Jetta, both of whom will be using the speech jammer. The contestant is retired porn star Kayla Paige. She likes a manly man, so of course all contestants offer up the fact that they have a hairy ass. Nate was coached by Ellis & Tully into talking about how big and veiny his cock is and how he wants to jam it in her butt. Basically, suitor #3, Nate Hotdog, increasingly got more and more vulgar until he was shitting a crystal ball into her ass while cumming. So who’d she up choosing? Suitor #1, Jetta. There was a ton of laughs during the segment and at one point Dingo fell out of his chair. On a side note, Kayla gets to go out on tour for 2 weeks with Limp Bizkit. You tell Ellis & Tully we’re biting their tongues to play nice and didn’t make any disparaging comments about the Bizkit.

Someone’s gonna get fingered!

What kind of shit have you killed? At what age? Did you feel bad about it? Are you a serial killer in training? Most all of us have killed something at least once in our lives, the difference is if you had a boner while you did it or not. So somebody, lord knows who, submitted a link to 16 Musicians Losing Their Shit On Stage, at approximately 1:13 PM CDT on June 19, 2014 that was on the show today. That’s not important though, what is important are the ones I think were the top 3: And those were Biggie Smalls getting pissed at his DJ, Billy Joel getting pissed at his band, and Michael Jackson getting pissed at Slash for his epic guitar solo. Give them all a watch, it’s pretty funny. Final calls time, what would you do if you were 1980’s Billy Joel for 1 day? Dingo might take a nap and then do a bunch of cocaine. But really, everyone would just get on a private jet, fuck Christie Brinkley, dump her off in Provo, Utah and then try to pick up a bunch more women to worship your Piano Man cock. And that’s all I got for ya, stay frosty!

Speech Jamming Your Hole

Posted on June 19, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Thursday’s show brought us a little surprise, a bit with a speech jammer app (aka the Canadian Stroke app) for your phone. Basically, the app delay echos what you hear, making it much more difficult to speak normally and concentrate on what you are saying. This was tested out by everyone on the show by doing their best to hit on Katie.

Jason was pretty much unaffected. Either due to his mouth not being connected to his brain or something else. However you rationalize it, he (as well as Nate Hotdog) were pretty much completely unaffected by it. Tully was for the most part unaffected, but you could hear he fought through it more than Ellis & Nate – and it turned out pretty funny. The rest weren’t so lucky. Jetta, Cumtard, Will, and even Katie (a little bit) were much more affected by the Speech Jammer app.

Speculation could lead you to believe Cumtard was “acting” and it certainly seemed that way. Even Ellis and Tully questioned his routine during this bit. And maybe he embellished a little at first, but as time went on, one can clearly see how he might not have been embellishing at all. Jetta and Will both seemed to be nearly as affected by the app as Kevin. The pinnacle was when the 3 of them decided to hit on each other.

This whole bit could potentially start a monster, so lets listen to it’s birth.