Tag Archives: EllisMania

Show Recap for Thursday 8/7/2014

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Well…after all that went on, or rather didn’t go on in the last hour of the show yesterday (you know…the 40 minutes of show that didn’t happen because of all that contract gobbledegook) one of the big questions of the day was sort of…will there even BE a show today? Well…there was, which is why I am here, because I am going to recap that show that went on today as best as I can…which should be pretty okay considering I had no app issues, my laptop seems to be cooperating, I’m actually at home before 11:30, and my kid is tucked in bed (and looks like he’s about to pass out, so I’m pretty sure my bases are covered). So, getting right into it…Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show Thursday Recap, I’m your host, Jenny!!! Woo! Lots of applause and maybe some applesauce because I can’t think of one without the other when I’m typing it!!! Woo!!! Applesauce!! Except not..applesauce is gross. I mean, I’m sure it’s delicious…it’s a texture thing. I can’t get over it.

Anywhoo…..Ellis opens up the show and is all “Hey, I’m here” and there was a collective sigh of relief…probably. For anyone who missed the show intro, at least. He dove right into the whole ‘who knew whether or not we’d be here cause, man, contracts, am I right’ and informed all the listeners that he and Tully will at least be around on The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM for another 30 days because he’s signed another one of those contract extension dealies while (supposedly) the rest of the details of the contract get hammered out. He talks about how he’s sure that, in the end, it will all work out one way or another, although it seems like he may be having to make more concessions than originally planned. Overall, He and Tully agree that there are still some sleepless nights ahead of them both and man, can they not wait for all of this contract bullshit to be over with so they can go back to just doing a radio show. I bet the rest of us really can’t wait for this contract bullshit to be over with either, because I don’t know about the rest of you people out there in the US and Canada, but this shit has me way more on edge than I’d like. Probably because, for so many of us, The Jason Ellis Show is way more than just a show. Are you listening SiriusXM? Seriously…I have to question where I would be in life right now if it weren’t for this show…the support from Ellisfam, the kindness shown to me by all of you guys, the other guys on this TJES dedicated site, Jude, and the doors that all of this has opened for me…I don’t know where I’d be. Ellis is building his Empire and he welcomes the hard work, stress, and sleepless nights with open arms at this point, because it’s all going to be worth it in the end, and there is no blocking out the sun. Ellis is the sun, for those of you who work the night shift.

Ellis does share that he woke up this morning and was feeling a lot better physically…his stomach doesn’t hurt, he was able to eat breakfast, he shadow boxed a little bit while he was at the Spa, and thank freaking god for that, because he’s coming out to NYC sometime next week to talk contract shit and he didn’t think that he’d be able to get through the trip if he was feeling all shitty still. He also called up his money manager person last night and let her know that he was blowing off some steam with his credit card at the sex shop and it wasn’t a discussion, just a ‘heads up’ and the money manager person who tries to help Ellis from going broke all of the time knows about all the stress and didn’t try to enforce any limits on him, just went “lol heads up” and Ellis and Katie were off to the sex shop where among other things, he purchased a wolf mask for katie, some pants, and a sex swing that doesn’t have to be bolted in to the wall. Ellis has also been watching some dungeony torturey porns lately trying to pick up tips and he says that there are some of them that are really good, and some of the things that he sees goes on he’s really into and other things not so much, and if he could just pick and choose that seems way more up his alley. Tully jokes about how he’s pretty sure that there are dungeons he could go where he’s be able to kind of tell them what he was in to and they would listen to him, but then there may be other places where you straight up are made into some dungeon mistress’ bitch for an hour and then you thank her and are on your way, so it’s probably better to avoid any dungeons that happen to be on yachts and in international waters. The guys in the green room still haven’t been able to get their hands on a Fist of Adonis- like hammer fist dildo and Ellis chews out Kevin a bit for it, and informs him that there was one at the shop he was at last night and maybe he should hit google on his iphone a little harder since Katie found it in about 25 seconds.

A caller calls the show with a question about Ellismania happening this year and Ellis says it, once again, there is not going to be an Ellismania this year. He’s bummed that there won’t be one this year, but he says that it’s going to occur at the beginning of 2015 and it’s going to be great because there is a real production company involved because he really cares about it getting done right. Live Nation is the company who is getting behind it this time, and I’ve been to one of their events and they seem pretty legit, so let’s all keep our fingers crossed that they have enough people to make sure that there are chairs for a musical chair fight and a pinata for the pinata fight. Ellis goes on a bit of a reminisce about how Ellismania got started at the Hard Rock (EM3) and how it could not have happened if not for him squeezing every dime he could out of his sponsors, and especially had Chad Reed not contributed $5000 of his own dollars. Seriously…that’s a lot of money to put into something where there is no payoff and where no one is making any money. Thank you, Chad Reed. Ellis did say that before the end of the year there would be a HorseForce performance in NYC and a Wolfknives with Wolfknives Models shindig at The Roosevelt, and he really does want to plan some sort of little event like the Cricket Match so he can hang with the fans. So far as the cricket match goes, he puts it on us, so start a tweeting and instagramming where and when there should be an Ellisfam Cricket Match!!!

Back from the first break Tully brings us some MMA News, and thankfully since there were no fights I didn’t have to listen to Kenda giggle incessantly about nothing for the entire time and get angry on behalf of intelligent females everywhere. And yeah, that’s a dig, and no I’m not saying that I think she’s not an intelligent person as I do not know her, but she really sounds like a moron and it grates on me. If she could stop the whole ‘giggle to begin and end every sentence and in response to anything said to her’ thing I’d get back on board, because when she first started calling in it never bothered me. It took a few weeks for it to build up and make me frown at the radio, but now I find her completely insufferable. Anywayyyyy….Kyle Kingsbury, who has retired from the UFC after being thrashed by Patrick Cummins in UFC12 has come out of the ayahuasca closet basically blaming his loss in that fight to his use of the plant medicine that Aubrey Marcus has informed us all of, but that it’s okay because it made him a happier person. Interesting angle for sure. There was also a bit in there about how he had been told by the UFC to keep the inner peace talk to himself because it made him sound crazy, but he’s talking about it now since he’s retired, and that’s cool. It’s good to be cool. Speaking of retired UFC guys, Tully plays a clip of an up and coming SpikeTV show called Gym Rescue featuring Randy Couture and Frank Shamrock and it sounds like there is a lot of yelling involved, and Ellis and Tully both think that it’s a show that they would like to watch and maybe even follow for Show purposes. Tully makes a comment about getting the duo on the show to talk up Gym Rescue and there is silence from the Green Room, so Ellis starts talking about how they should just get the number and maybe call them on air, because Ellis is sometimes also the producer of his own show. Ellis brings up that there may be assault charges of some form being brought about because of the fistfight between Daniel Cormier and Crazy Bones Jones at a publicity stop in Vegas for their upcoming actual sanctioned fight, but Tully pulls an ‘I don’t know’ because Ellis is getting his info from the people over at TMZ and they can’t always be trusted to not sensationalize things. Ellis also brings up that Holly Holm has signed on with the UFC and people are already calling for her to fight Ronda Rousey, but that’s kind of bullshit because she hasn’t had one UFC fight yet and shouldn’t immediately get thrown in for a title fight. Holly Holm, however, does seem to be the new lady talk of the town because she is a great striker and Ellis is sure to mention that he saw a video of her kicking an opponent in the face and then punching her while she was still down because she is an animal. There is some talk back and forth between Tully and Ellis about who is next to fight Rousey, and whether the Cyborg fight is gonna happen, and why the hell is Cat Zingano not definitely the next person that Ronda is fighting?

Onto some Hollywood News, Tully informs us that Marianne Faithfull (who boned Rod Stewart and Mick Jagger when she was hot and didn’t look like a penguin) has come forward in an interview to say that her ex-boyfriend sold Jim Morrison the heroin that killed him back in the day and that it was an accident. This, of course, can’t be substantiated as Morrison’s body was never autopsied. There seems to be talk around town of a Mike Tyson Biopic which will be starring Jamie Foxx and Ellis, at first, doesn’t seem too fond of the idea, but comes around once he realizes…what other actor could really play Tyson other than Jamie Foxx? Tyler Perry really isn’t big enough, although Wendy Williams could throw her hat in the ring because she’s fabulous. Speaking of Hollywood and Movies, Tully is excited to announce that Filmmaker Neil Bomkamp and Ninja and Yo-Landi Vi$$er of Die Antwood have finished filming a new movie called Chappie, because he is slightly in love with Yo-landi and he is sure that it will be his favorite movie of all time. Neil Blomkamp, for those of you who don’t know, is the man behind District 9 and Elysium (both movies that Ellis loved) and he’s kind of helping to put South Africa on the map in a good way. In other big H news, Sly Stallone is talking about extending the Expendables franchise to some new movies called the Expendabelles featuring females who have been prominent in action roles over the past however long, and Ellis is not all that pumped on that idea because Old Lady faces only tell sad stories. I mean, really, the short list for that movie has to be the shortest short list of all times, unless they are really going to expand their definition of female action hero. All I’m coming up with is the Terminator Chick and Alien Chick. As Hollywood Movies are going down the toilet anywhere, there are rumors in Hollywood that there is to be a third Ghostbusters movie featuring All Female Ghostbusters comprised of Hollywood Funny Women and…I’m all for girl power…but what…did the guys sign the Ghostbusters over to one of their daughters or something? How is that gonna work? Rounding out Hollywood News there is some talk about Terminator 5: Genisys which is the title and spelling that is making everyone on Twitter go insane because twitter needs to lose its shit on something new every 5 seconds, and Kanye West giving a deposition about some paparazzi fight where he walked about downed paparazzi drones possibly electrocuting his 1 year old daughter and sky-rocketing himself to the top of the list of contenders for The Dumbest Rich Person in the World.

Back from the break there is a guest…well…a guest and soon to be a couple more guests in the studio! The main guest is Amy Purdy, a pro-snowboarder, Para Olympian, who is also a motivational speaker and was first runner up on Dancing With The Stars. Earlier in the show Ellis had mentioned that she was going to be on the show and he was pumped on it because Devin really liked her and was a fan of her on DWTS and he and Tully looked up her Instagram and talked about how beautiful she was and the possibility that Daddy could be cool in Daddy’s eyes for 3 seconds because she is in the midst of a serious ‘My dad is not cool’ phase. But anyway, Amy Purdy is on the show and she is a straight up delight. I really enjoyed her time on the show. She talked about how she lost her legs at 19 due to Bacterial Meningitis along with both of her kidneys and her spleen, but was able to overcome it and turned to Snowboarding as a profession (she previously had only done it as a hobby) because after she lost her legs, she wanted to find a way to use her legs. Damn. She talked about how it was being on DWTS and how it was more challenging than she had even imagined because it was an intense 3 months where she danced for six hours a day and not only had to learn a new dance every week like the rest of the contestants, but had to go through the process of how to figure out which prosthetic legs would work for each of the dances. It was interesting to hear about how she coordinated not only with her dance partner, but with the company who produces her prosthetic legs and the doctor who fit them to get a pair of legs that would enable her to perform every dance. At one point during the interview Devin and Tiger showed up at the studio so Devin could meet Amy and tell Ellis on air that she was not impressed by him and didn’t love him. And that part really broke my heart. I mean…I understand how kids are and how they can be, but I never personally went through the whole ‘My dad is lame’ phase and I was basically crying to Hubbs about that for a second. Ellis rolled with the punches though, as he does (and also because he’s her father and he knows that she loves him) and continued the interview with kid interruptions like a champ. Amy talked about her future plans, including publishing a book with Harper Collins (who published Ellis’ books) which is already finished and was written in 6 weeks, how she has a clothing line with Element, and how she is going on tour with Oprah. THE Oprah. Ellis asked Amy if she was single and she told him that she wasn’t, but that her boyfriend Daniel was a big fan of the show and listened every single day. Hi Daniel!!!! Lucky guy, I’d say, because she really seems like a cool lady with a good head on her shoulders. I was definitely feeling very inspired by the end of the interview and advise anyone who feels like they had a bad day to listen to it On Demand. I’ve been in a teensy slump and listening to her was a swift kick in the bum…I mean…she was living a happy, normal life, thought she had the flu, went to the hospital and went into a friggin coma for 3 weeks, woke up and heard she had to have her legs amputated and some organs taken out and that she may still die…and she just kept going. She just kept going. And she turned her life into something fucking amazing. Great guest!!! I hope she comes back to watch Sting Pong and promote her book!!!

Back from the break, Tully talks about how there is a serious deficit of things they can talk about with the kids around and brings up some science myths that everyone believes but are untrue like people only using 10 percent of their brains and there being a dark side of the moon. They then get talking about an article he found about poop and thongs and women wearing thongs and g-strings and how maybe women shouldn’t since apparently most women walk around with shit stained strings up their bum at all times and Ellis is so not into the article, but they talk about it for way longer than they should anyway. Ellis and Tully are both part of the camp that believes g-strings have a purpose and shouldn’t be worn absolutely all of the time and women should invest in some undies. Nascar Mike calls the show to talk about a patent pending invention he has that velcro’s to g-strings to keep them from getting stained by bum juice because his wife has that problem and he doesn’t like her in ‘grannie panties’…and I just want to say, sorry Nascar Mike the big companies all already make panty liners for thongs and g-strings and just because it’s not a string up your ass doesn’t mean it’s a grannie pantie. Seriously. That pisses me off. I enjoy thongs a lot…Hubbs loves when I wear thongs…but I don’t exclusively wear them and I also do not own a single pair of grannie panties. Grannie panties are briefs for women. There are a whole range of other cuts that are not grannie panties. So if you’re a man who walks around saying there’s thongs and there’s granny panties…please crack the spine of a victoria’s secret catalogue and educate yourself.

Finishing up the show Ellis and Tully play a game with the guys of the green room- Will, Jetta, Cumtard, and HotDog, which is kind of a spin on 3 truths and a lie. Basically, a true statement is read from a sheet of paper and Ellis and Tully have 3 questions each to ask whichever of the Green Roomers they like to help figure out which of them the statement applies to. All four of the Green Roomers have to answer as though the statement applies to them and Ellis and Tully have to try and figure out which person the statement is about. I don’t know if there was an overall winner of this game between Ellis and Tully, but in my opinion, HotDog owned this game. Not only did we learn some things about him, but he completely managed to bamboozle Ellis to the point where Ellis thought everything was about HotDog but nothing was about HotDog and it was funny. HotDog walked away with a new catch phrase- ‘Loved It’, and Ellis learned a lot about Jetta. Here is what we learned during that game:
HotDog: threw a kid off of the jungle gym and broke his arm while trying to get to the slide, was suspended from school for mooning classes during finals, used to eat detention slips in front of the principal, and had his older brother Joey wipe his ass for years after he was potty trained
Cumtard: had a psychiatrist as a child who constantly asked him how often he masturbated and if he wanted to wrestle and when he finally admitted to masturbating- his DR. asked him if he ate it, was the Nephew in Law of Matthew Broderick, and saw ‘Look Who’s Talking’ 7 times in the theater because he was in love with Kirstie Allie.
Jetta: was barred from 8th grade graduation after being caught stealing a carnival prize by an undercover cop, took a cocktail of anti-anxiety meds before sneaking into a music festival, and played World of Warcraft for 3 years.
Will: Voiced a DJ in an x-rated video game called Bone Town.

After that there were final calls that weren’t very earth shattering, but the final final caller, or the ‘Don’t Die-er’ told a quick anecdote about how while he and his wife were trying to conceive their Doctor advised them to go to a sperm bank (which i’m guessing is for in-vitro) and when he and his wife went, his ex- whom his wife absolutely despised- was the technician there to accept his sample, so he had to jerk off into a cup and hand it to his ex, and have his wife be mad at him for something that he could not possibly control. Women…am i right?

Things we learned on TJES today:

Devin fractured her finger at Catalina

Ellis filmed a testimonial for Speed Weed last night and got paid in free weed

Tully likes going to shitty liquor stores

Old Man Sweat is cold because they’re basically half dead

It took $20 grand for Ellismania 3 to get green lit by The Hard Rock

Ellis ordered Skateboard stuff today and couldn’t remember what he needed

Coonan MaGrubey gets turned on by the scent of fear

Neverland Ranch is for sale

Jim Morrissey may have tried to have the head of his fan site killed

Visit CharityWatch.org to make sure the charity you give your money to actually does charitable things with your money

The Waltz was one of the hardest dances for Amy Purdy on DWTS because it involves a lot of ankle movement and she doesn’t have those

Amy Purdy is the founder of the Non-Profit Adaptive Active Sports

When Oprah called Amy Purdy she sing-songed “It’s Oprah”

Tiger is scared of being in the studio when he should be scared of being in the Green Room

The Flintstones are evil if you are religious

Ellis looked into HotDog’s soul and saw his ass

Dropping a penny off a building won’t kill a person, but a marble probably will

Katie is in the club and can’t get out cause she wiped Tiger’s butt

Tully’s son’s bff at daycare says goodbye to him, gives him a hi-five, and kisses him on the mouth

It’s a brave new world

 

 

That’s all I have for you folks!!! Except for that it’s after midnight and officially BroBro’s Birthday!!!!! Happy 31st you old man!!!!! I love you to itty bits!!!

The Blossoming of Wilson & Erika Ashley’s Love at EllisMania

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It’s a tale of boy meets girl. They share an intimate night at EllisMania. Unbeknownst to the other, one of them falls in love. Thus begins one of the greatest love stories of our time between two beautiful people.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/8/14

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Guess who’s back in the mother fuckin’ house? WIT A FAT DICK FO’ YA MOTHA FUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! That’s right folks, you couldn’t keep me away from this shit if you tried, unless I went on vacation next week and needed someone to cover me, or I got the kind of job that required more continuous involvement instead of spurts of attention between slow periods in the day. Luckily for you though, I get to give a glorious report on the events of the Jason Ellis Show’s second day back from vacation and after the quality programming we got yesterday, today better be fucking amazing or so help me god I will strangle a kitten and make Thai food with it’s entrails! Let’s get into it! So, today kicked off with Jason talking about how Khloe Kardashian has a radio show but none of it would be possible if Usher hadn’t stuffed his dick in Kim’s box. The rest of the staff were looking out the window at some construction going on and Jason and Tully had to rip into them for expressing their childlike wonder at men using big machines. Hot Dog showed up to work stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and the guys spent a few minutes on that. Medical marijuana doctors all seem like rub and tug parlors, according to Tully, but this is America and we keep sex out of all forms of media unless we think we can sell something to somebody with it. Some UFC fighter passed out while warming up for a fight over the weekend, probably because he’s 7 feet tall and gigantic people are really well known for having heart problems. There was some more UFC talk and stuff, and I was feasting on an avocado and cream cheese sandwich, so it all kind of slipped past me. Something about Michael Jordan and how all the hustle and drive in the world can’t replace a certain amount of talent. Cumtard still has cysts all over his head, but that doesn’t trump the cysts in Ronda Rousey’s fist that popped over the weekend. Jetta tried to film WILSON taking his pants off and Rude Jude was in studio to give a play by play of Pendarvis’ fucked up knee. Seriously though, Will’s knee is fucked up, which means we can probably stop talking shit on him being a vag at that basketball tournament the show had like 2 years ago. Jason gave WILSON some old skateboarder frontier medicine on how to ice down swollen joints, and it probably sank in, but WILSON is from the south so he’s probably got some tricks of his own. Jude asked Jason if he thought that WILSON might do some real irreversible damage to Cumtard and the answer was very vague so it’s very possible we’ll be watching an actual drunken street fight between two people with an 80 pound weight difference and no concern for getting arrested. Bruce Willis was in a commercial for Seagram’s wine coolers back in the day, and the reason we know this is cause Jude is a little high and when you’re a little high you remember shit that doesn’t have anything to do with anything but can make great conversation. One time back when Jason and Andrea were still married, an overweight girl’s titty popped out in front of them and the only way Ellis could get away with it was to say “Ewwwww” which is sometimes the correct answer even when your wife doesn’t keep your testicles in a Dolce & Gabana purse. Fabio is the least acceptable musician to have ever lived and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times for being allowed to record an album. Jude noticed that the beat really was on par with almost everything else from the late 80’s/early 90’s, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s Fabio and he sounds like a Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. In case you didn’t catch it on twitter and Instagram over the weekend, I’m back on instagram, and also Jason has been in contract talks with SiriusXM and it’s looking like he’s getting a little bit more favor in the company, so kudos for all the hard work. And you can see stupid pictures of me doing shit at shit.toboggan on the insta. Or you could do me a real favor and assassinate Mark Zuckerberg, either one. The guys finally got the audio of Bruce Willis whoring himself out for Seagram’s wine coolers and if that’s not 80’s enough, he had a full head of hair when it happened, and GOD DAMN IF IT ISN’T THE MOST EPIC EMBARRASSING SHIT YOU COULD EVER HAVE IMMORTALIZED ON THE INTERNET!!! AND HE SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF A BLACK GUY AND A DOG!!! AAAAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAAAAHAA!!!
If I had the free time at work, I would have cried a little. And to top it all off, he got fired as the Seagram’s spokesperson after he got arrested for drunk driving. But hey, at least he spawned two good looking daughters, one of whom insists on getting naked in public and is not offensive to the eyes when she does so, soooooo… Fuck yeah, Willis. Then they played one of his originals from “The Revenge Of Bruno” and it’s one of those music videos that takes us back to a time like when Paula Abdul danced on a staircase with someone dressed as a cat. Oh, to have been alive in a time when cocaine was non habit-forming. I imagine it must have been just like all of my favorite 80’s movies where nothing bad ever happened to anyone except stuffy rich people with no style. After hearing more of his music, the guys determined that Bruce Willis needs to open for Horse Force/Death!Death!Die!/Taintstick at the next EllisMania. Jude moved into a sweetly gentrified new apartment recently and is enjoying the shit out of it. That’s right, no more gay Mexican tweakers breaking in to rummage through his shit. The guys took a break to let Jude get back to his day job and get ready for a guest they had lined up, and I got to listen to the only song by the Beatles that was ever given a proper cover, and then some Machine Head to smash my head against the desk to.

 

Coors Light Canada had to apologize after an intersection got closed off due to some promotional stunt, and in a shocking display of Caniadianism, the townspeople accepted the apology, and everybody went out for Tim Horton’s and poutine afterwards. Amber Lyon stopped by to hang out with the guys today. If you don’t know who she is, WELCOME TO THE BABY SEAL CLUB!!! Amber is a journalist for some company which didn’t get mentioned in the meet and greet. The guys are really impressed with Amber because she doesn’t have a TV personality voice or act like the re-skinned cybernetic husk of Tom Brokaw. I for one don’t watch the news, cause it’s primarily lies or pointless distractions, and if I wanted all that, there’s still HBO, but if this lady was talking I would be less offended at the whole situation. Amber is on board with Aubrey from Onnit and all the other ayhuasca MMA extreme fitness Dolce diet crowd, and was nice enough to bring a piece for Ellis to get up himself when the time is appropriate. So, everybody talked psychedelics for a while and all the really fun mind expanding wall destroying times you can have on them, however it’s important to be careful, or much like an old friend of mine, you will get wrestled to the ground by the police in your own home and have a taser barb fired into your asshole while trying to carry a conversation with Jesus. So, Amber is an Emmy winner and made a documentary on some aspect of the ridiculous state that Americans leave the Middle East in every time we go to “visit” (by visit I mean pilfer natural resources and keep brown people under raps). She seemed to have a pretty good eye for what was going on around her and didn’t get shot by any of the fringe groups and got to expose the glaring hypocrisy of everything that the US has done in the middle east for a fuck ton of years, but y’know, in the name of freedom, not personal gain for the oil companies and weapons manufacturers we elected TWICE just a few years back. She also did a story on how it’s ridiculously easy to get medical grade heroin but in most states you’ll still go to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for getting caught with a dime bag of weed. So, all in all, not a hateable person in my opinion. Amber heard about that whole “bubbling” trend and had to ask Ellis about it and he kinda dodged telling her about that time he wanted to be Lyoto Machida, but did tell her about getting so drunk he passed out face down and woke up second away from crib death by way of nocturnal emission. There was some more ayhuasca talk and being a guy that hasn’t done drugs in a long time, it’s only slightly making me feel like I missed out on a good time, and kind of makes me want to tell Ellis to either go on a bender and get some new stories about it or just quit bringing it up. Amber suggested that Jason should try MDMA therapy cause she apparently doesn’t know he already tried that and that may be part of the cause for some of the spotty connections that go on in his head now. There was some more talk about how dropping acid is therapeutic, except when you catch a taser barb in your asshole, or when you’re the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous and you drop a bunch of acid to try and treat one of the outlying symptoms associated with being an alcoholic. Really, what I’m trying to say is, don’t do things that might get you a taser barb in the asshole. I just can’t find any reason why that might be something I would recommend. More psychedelics talk, and then some more, and more promoting hippie frontier medicine, and all kinds of other stuff that didn’t particularly pique my interest. But hey, somebody probably got a lot out of it, and the god damn world doesn’t revolve around me, so those are the two most important things to take away from the last hour. The guys watched some fottage of a news piece Amber did about ladies in mixed martial arts, and as those of us who have been listening for a while would know, Every opportunity for sexual inuendo was taken and beaten to death. And then they started talking about Wolf Blitzer for no discernable reason. But then Death!Death!Die! came to break up the pow wow so that we could move onto other more important things. Like farts and crib death.

 

Kit Cope relayed a video to the guys of a musical performance by KIevin Costner, and it was like they put “The Postman” in song and tried taking the show on the road, which would warrant me demanding that Kevin Costner be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Hopefully it wasn’t a cover song, cause I would triple the royalties if he butchered something I created like that. The guys talked for a while about just where in the shining blue fuck did Kevin Costner come from? The real answer is Lynwood, CA, but Jason still holdsa true that he was birthed at a Red Lobster during a Satanic rite that also produced the script for Robin Hood: Prince of thieves and Waterworld. Tully floated the idea that if McDonald’s started selling a $0.99 ribeye steak, nobody would ask any questions cause Outback would already have countered with their newest delicacy: Steak-on. That’s right, a steak made of bacon. Obesity is only a problem if you stop telling people it’s good for them. The boys discussed Mike Catherwood because at the go kart races last week he was looking fantastic, but they could see his former junkie/roid freak side come out on the track. This gave Jason the idea to bring in the Catherwood couple for counselling on the Jason Ellis show every so often cause sometimes fucking with other people’s healthy relationships for entertainment can be a good god damn time. Jason is trying to get a line in his contract that would bring about a FUCKING WORLD WIDE WOLFKNIVES GATHERING TOUR LIKE THE JUGGALOS BUT WITH ALL NATURAL GREEN DRINKS INSTEAD OF FAYGO AND A LOT LESS CRYSTAL METH!!!!!!!! And there’s gonna be some new Wolfknives gear coming out in the near future, even stuff for the ladies, so if you want a running joke about Vespas to drape over your titties, just keep your eyes on the Wolfknives online store! Tully recounted a theory that he’s heard about how lotto winners don’t usually end up as happier better people just cause they get a bunch of money and equated it to his own experiences with having a certain constant level of stress and how even if you solve a problem there’s always gonna be another one and we all die. Plus, a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and giving them large amounts of financial independence just magnifies all the shitty ideas they normally wouldn’t have been able to act on. Jason has been keeping in touch with his stepmom more often lately and they seem to be forming a much better bond than when he was a kid and the only thing they had in common were a couple relatives. The guys took some phone calls to get ideas on what Ellis should do in a hotel room with a bunch of fans and friends of the show and organize some stunts and games to have people do. Some of the suggestions were weed lube wrestling, animal bites with Donald Schultz, drunken stripper contest, and a serious delay in answering phones to get more ideas care of Hot Dog being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Whle they waited for Hebrew National to get up to speed with everybody who didn’t go to the same high school as Cumtard, Tully read us a news story about a girl in Ireland who went to some far off mystical resort where the bartender convinced this young lady to blow 24 dudes for a free drink and apparently there’s video floating around on the internet and I saw this news story on a couple sites, so it’s probably very true and does show that Europeans are just not as uptight about sex as we are and if it was consesual, it’s not a fucking problem for anybody. The ideas started flowing in for this super model party, first up was a vibrator hot potato relay race, then nude armwrestling, drunk obstacle course racing, Wet T-shirt contest with the new Wolfknives gear, ass-groping contest, anal bead tug-of-war, strip hi-low and the loser gets drawn on with body paint and sharpies, blindfolded drunken stripper miniature golf, strip sting pong, finger painting with your tits, 20 women independently ranking each other (cause bitches got no loyalty and stereotypes don’t fall out of the sky), pillow fight tournament and photo shoot, topless pogo sticking, pin-the-tail-on-the-Cumtard, what’s in my box/what’s on my tits (probably the latter cause lawyers are uptight cunts), strip limbo, and that was all they could handle for the day. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Madonna got excused from jury duty which is fucking fantastic cause I wouldn’t trust her to be a reasonable jury member in any capacity whatsoever. Wendy Williams is turning 50 and went on the Today Show to fulfill her dream of being a singer and it was nothing too special unless you’re the type to hang around the Today Show crowd being a hokey shithead who would be pumped as all fuck to watch Wendy Williams butcher a Diana Ross song. It was almost as bad as Kevin Costner, and she should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Pink Floyd is gonna release a new album this October and I didn’t think I could hate them any more than I already do, but that’s sure to change by year’s end. The guys talked Living Colour for a bit cause apparently Vernon Reed is like Jimi Hendrix reincarnated, but then they started talking Floyd again and I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention cause I already lived with hippies once and for where I’m at today, the less Floyd the better. Roy Horn, of getting mauled by a tiger and being a gay Vegas magician fame, is being sued by a guy for being creepy as fuck and making unwelcome sexual advances, which I have no trouble believeing at all cause just one Sigfried and Roy billboard is an unwelcome sexual advance. DMX is gonna get his wages garnished to cover child support cause a black man in America can never cautch a break. Sting’s kids are trying to cash their trust funds early cause apparently money is good. The guys talked a while about how the children of rich kids almost always grow up to be the most ungrateful pieces of shit on the planet. And finally, Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory is gonna come back from retirement/cancellation for a seventh season!!! And the townspeople rejoiced.

 

AUSSIE CUNTS!!! I mean NEWS!!! If you didn’t know, Aussie rules football has elements of American football and basketball and everybody’s getting beaten about the head and face as all sports should be played. What’s important about all that is that some Aussie sick cunt performed the first documented on-field choking of an opposing player and had to be pulled off by all the members of the other team AND HE WOULD HAVE PUT THE FUCKER OUT TOO IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!!! Jason is gonna be on Dr. Drew On Call again tonight, as he does regularly on Tuesdays and Thursdays nowadays. Some lady abandoned a baby on the subway which doesn’t surprise me cause a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and this is why unwed mothers in biblical times were stoned. Tully found some more audio of Fabio singing R&B songs in the early nineties and I WANT FABIO DEAD!!! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEDNESDAY, YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!! But why this is important is because Cumtard is gonna try and recreate the vocal stylings in his own tard-tastic way with the Fabio accent and the speech jammer app. It sounded exactly like Fabio, the Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. It was quite entertaining too, like an extreme parody of itself. It was all kinds of meta, let’s just say that. Tully reported on a story about a family up here in the bay area who hired a nanny on a no pay basis in exchange for free room and board in their house and after a few weeks of really great service, the nanny essentially refused all services and went bat shit fucking crazy and won’t leave the house and is making all sorts of ridiculous demands and if you do a little more research you’ll find out that these people are all fucking terrible and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Long story short, no contract illegal employee who’s barred from suing anyone in California because she’s got a record of suing absolutely everyone, hired by a family with a stay at home mom who can’t be bothered to take care of her own kids, everybody’s liable to go to jail or be fined excessively if they take it to court, but the family wants an A&E series on their experience cause “fuck me in the ass homie” is the correct answer, and what the townspeople should do is burn down the house with all occupants except the children locked inside. The guys discussed the logistics of having the nanny killed by crocodile assassin and all of the logistical problems that might come into play in this particular scenario, like how to testify in your own defense against accusations of hiring a guy with a crocodile to remove an illegal tenant. The guys took some final calls to hear everybody’s best impression of Fabio and that was a bit of a treat, and Tony Hawk was live today so the guys finished up right at 4 PM sharp cause Tony Hawk is GAWD.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Recap for Thursday 5/22/2014

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Rejoice!!! Pick your deity of choice (or just be thankful for good old fashioned scientific advancement) because Jason Ellis made it through surgery and is a force to be reckoned with, because, his heart got burned and he’s ready to rock and roll. Sort of. You know, post-surgery means he has to take it easy for a bit, but after that bit, he is all kinds of back in the game!!! Boom. Seriously…so happy that Ellis got through the surgery and was feeling well enough today that he could be on the radio. I mean, think about it, he had heart surgery the day before yesterday, and he went to work today. He is not a normal human being. He is a beast. He is a warrior. He is….Jason Ellis.

The show opened up with Ellis talking about how today, since he had nothing going on he went to go get a pedicure and found a cake store! Haha…one doesn’t really go with the other, but it was good that he found the cake store because he made some happy maneuvers with the people that work there and from now on Cake and Art because, yeah, Ellis is still basically the producer of his own show. Also on his Thursday morning walkabout he decided to go to the shoe store to get some new shoes because after surgery he is a little sore in the groin region and thought some new shoes would do him some good. While at the shoe store, talking to the shoe store guy, the reason behind why Ellis was buying new shoes came up and the guy at the shoe store was pretty impressed that Ellis was already up and out doing shit considering he had heart surgery THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY. Sorry for the caps, but it really blows my mind. I had a biopsy on my pancreas last year and I was out of work for like, four days, and now I feel like a major pussy. But talking to the shoe store guy made Ellis realize that he really is lucky to be alive, and thankful that he is alive, and being alive is awesome, and that makes today the Ultimate Good Day for him, because he is here living life and appreciating that he is here to live life. Ellis knows that there will be days where he loses sight of the appreciation he has for life, because shit happens, but hopefully he will always come around to remember that he really really really could have died, and that will lead to another Ultimate Good Day full of life-y appreciation. At this point Tully suggested that maybe Ellis should have heart surgery more often to keep this mindset around, and I don’t think that’s the best idea ever, but he was probably joking. Probably. Ellis talked about the whole shebang, about how on Easter Sunday when he had gotten up off of the couch to go get a drink and got so light headed that he dropped to his knee and sent his kids to go get Katie. He apparently had thought that he was having an anxiety attack and got a blowjob from her to try and help calm him down, and that’s a great cure for anxiety, but not so much for A-fib. He talked about being in the corridor with Katie right before the surgery and talking to her, and how the surgery room was like this super advanced room with computers like NASA and probably like Howard Stern’s studio  and he wore a hairnet, which was funny, and there was some dude there to shave his junk and so he made dick jokes, because what else are you gonna do at a time like that? Tully was surprised that Ellis had neglected to shave his own genitals, but Ellis explained that the thought didn’t even occur to him. He was thinking about his kids, thinking a whole lot of ‘this could be the last time I -fill in the blank-‘, and trying to focus on the fact that he was a warrior and he was going to make it out of the surgery with a gold star. Ellis described how they lowered a big plastic looking shield over him while he was on the bed and he realized that it was so that when blood started a-spurting out of him it wouldn’t get in the doctor’s eyes and it must have been scary to be on the wrong side of the sneeze guard. Yikes. But then the anesthesiologist gave him an IV that would help to relax him and just as he was getting nervous he fell into sleepy land and the next thing he knew he was awake. Ellis said he doesn’t really remember a lot about what happened after the surgery, but Katie did tell him that when he asked the nurse to unstick his balls from his legs, she went right ahead and did it, even though Katie had thought that he was joking about it. And that’s awesome. Ellis played the guys a video of the nurse removing his catheter, which Will SUPER did not want to see because it made him kinda squeamy, and Ellis’ first words after getting the catheter and balloon thing out were, “Well, that was special.” Tully said that the nurse should start a twitter account where all she does is tweet the things that patient’s say after getting a cath removed, and yeah, she should, because I would laugh at that all the day long. Ellis thought it was cool that after the cath came out he farted out of his dick and had frothy pee, and Tully seemed a little jealous, which lead to a couple minutes of them talking about farts and how it would be awesome if you could decide whether your fart would come out of your ass or your dick. For the record, they think that once they got used to that power it would be a 60/40 split in favor of the ass, but that’s still a fair amount of gas getting pushed out of their pee-holes. Ellis didn’t sleep well while he was in the hospital, but he slept for ten hours last night, which was awesome, and he was super happy to learn that he could have a cup of coffee every day and that in two weeks he can go back to the gym- with some restrictions. He is pumped that he can do a lot more than he thought he was going to be able to do a lot sooner, like sex, so long as Katie does all of the work for now.

On to other things, Ellis says that he basically has what he wants to happen in EM10 down in his head, which is super exciting news which I know we all have been waiting to hear for what feels like forever. It’s slated to happen in October, although he doesn’t know if it’s going to be at the Hard Rock in Vegas because he says they’ve backed off of him a bit, and he’s open to venues and wants EM10 to be the best ever. Tully says he’s been thinking some thoughts to discuss with Ellis off-air for Ellismania and he thinks that there are some simple ways to make it so that the behind the scenes disasters that occurred with EM9 don’t happen again ensuring that this year’s Ellismania will be truly effing amazing. Ellis wants to do a HateBean fight where two people fight for a minute and then, during the 30 second rest HatBean plays a song while the fighters are getting doused in Champagne and fake cocaine by Katie and Malice and are getting blue balled and fucked with and then fight for another minute for four rounds. Everyone is super excited over this idea, which is because, duh, it’s awesome, and Tully, Ellis, and Will talk about the fights to be in EM10 and the potential match-ups. Ellis declares that if Tyler Posey is truly serious about being a member of Death Death Die! then he basically has to fight in Ellismania. Ellis also wants to see Katie in a fight, maybe against Malice, and is trying to figure out how to get Sam Rubin punched in the face. It sounds like there are going to be Superheroes in the musical chair fight, and this year there will definitely be a piñata for the piñata fight- woo-hoo!!! Also, anyone who wants to be in the Biggest Loser Male or Female Fight, the deadline for videos showing you in your current state on the scale and all that gobbledeegook, send your videos or a link to your video on youtube to submittoellis@gmail.com, or you can’t be in it!!! Mike in Canada called the show because he really really wants to be in a fight, but Ellis thinks that at 230lbs that’s not a great idea because he could probably punch someone really hard and hurt them, and that’s not really what they want to see happen. Don’t worry Mike, that’s why Hubbs can’t fight at Ellismania ever, he would kill someone, so, you’re not alone.

Ellis got everyone presents from the new cake shop that he found and gave them to the guys on air. Will got a chocolate dick with balls, CumTard got a chocolate dick, Jetta got a White chocolate dick, and Tully received some chocolate titties. Ellis had the guys take pics with their dics to be put up on the twitter, and made CumTard deep throat his, which sounded like a lot of gagging for someone who was then declared an insult to blowjobs. Tully got to fulfill his lifelong wish of biting off a nipple, and that’s a wish that CumTard and Ellis found kind of weird, but Jetta seemed to get. Ouch. Ouch. I’m all for getting my nipples bitten and twisted and tortured…but I’d really be pissed and miss it a lot if one got bitten off. Relax, Tully, reign in your inner nipple gobbler.

Back from the first break Tully starts talking about how several other countries offer Women menstrual leave and some people are saying that the US should offer it too, but he never really gets through it because, Aubrey from Onnit is in the studio and he offers up the factoid that women in ancient Greece used to stuff horse dung up their twat when they were menstruating because damn it must have sucked to be alive before tampons were invented. Just saying. Ellis thinks that there should be menstrual leave for some women because some women go crazy and should just go home and come back when they are more useful. I kinda hate to break it to Ellis, but that’s not because they’re women on their period, that’s because they are just useless human beings. Coming from the perspective of me, a woman, I have really fucked up plumbing and my ‘time of the month’ involves pain worse than childbirth and I get through it. Boom. Harden The Fuck Up ladies, I’m just not buying it.

Aubrey is in the studio to talk about health and fitness and how to start your fitness journey, but first Ellis wants to talk about the whole Peruvian crazy sane making plants that made him see his Grandmother in heaven. Which is a really skewed view of the whole story, but that’s my nutshell. If you’ve been listening, or reading these wonderful recaps, you know that Ellis is interested in going down to Peru and participating in a ceremony that would help him conquer his fears and would potentially allow him to experience a higher plane where he could know that his brother is alright up in heaven (or whatever religion you subrscribe to’s happy after death place) and well, Aubrey is the person that brought Ellis around to this idea because he went to Peru. Apparently, ever since Aubrey was 18 and took schrooms in the desert and had a metaphysical type of experience, he has been on the path to…I forgot how he put it, and he really put it well, but I’ll say enlightenment. It’s not necessarily a religious enlightenment, but one that brings you closer to being more whole as a person and more okay in your own life with your own self, and yeah, it sounds like a bunch of hippy bullshit, but it’s really wonderful. So, he went down to Peru to this place run by Gandalf (aka Don Howard) where he participated in a ceremony which involved him taking Huachama (a DMT like drug derived from a Cactus) for three days with one day off between ingestions and going on treks through the jungle to conquer his fears. After that, he snorted Vilka from a 4000 year old bone off of a 4000 year old tray and tripped balls. But not really, he went back to his room blindfolded and felt himself burst through a jellyfish like matrix of light and color and come out finding himself in a peaceful and calm place with a hippopotamus man and a bunch of figures in hooded robes that didn’t want to talk to him. But his grandma was there, and he got to talk to her and see her and feel the love of her, and after that he came back into his body and…and he’s a better person for it. Aubrey said that your attitude going into it is really important and that you have to approach it with earnestness, and he really believes that Ellis would have a positive experience with it. He talks a lot about how he trusts it a lot because, along with doing more than adequate research, this is stuff that has been done for 4000 years, as opposed to drugs that come from pharmaceutical companies. Ellis is scared that he’ll have a panic attack, but Aubrey really thinks that he’ll be okay, because it’s an amazing experience and has helped so many people and has helped him personally. Ellis’ therapist doesn’t want him to do it, but he doesn’t really know anything about it, so that’s kind of like taking sex advice from a Sex Therapist who’s a virgin. The whole thing really taught Aubrey to continue moving toward his fears, which includes the fear of suffering (as he has had a couple relatives die slow, painful deaths) and fear of doing backflips on the trampoline. It was all really interesting. I’m not sure I’d ever do it, at least at this point in my life, but you never know what the future holds.

Now…onto the reason that Aubrey is in the studio and the reason he will be calling the show on Mondays for the foreseeable future- to dispense some wisdom on what I guess we could call ‘Your Personal Fitness Journey’ because, as we all know, Ellis wants what’s best for all of us, and that means we should all get healthy and follow Aubrey’s advice, because he’s a pretty smart dude. Aubrey says that Step One is figuring out where you want to be. He recommends sitting down and writing a mock journal entry with a date in the future written at the top and opening it with the line, “My life is as good as it could possibly be.” and then to continue the journal entry you should describe everything that you think that includes, sans material things. Think in terms of how you would want your body to feel, to look (realistically), your thoughts, things like that. For example, mine would probably begin something like, “My life is as good as it could possibly be. I woke up this morning with no aches and pains, and when I looked in the mirror I was simply in love with my body. I loved every curve, every bump, the smoothness of my skin, all of the positive and perceived negative. My body feels strong.” And it would go on. I’m actually planning on doing this exercise tomorrow, because I’m not one of those people who writes shit like that down, but it sounds really therapeutic. And I am working on being more fit and I’m also working on being more body positive- because I don’t feel as happy and comfortable with my body as I should. I know that objectively it is a beautiful body, but I’m working on really feeling that. So, yeah, kind of fits into my life right now. Step numero dos is to identify the resistance that is keeping you from getting you to that Journal Entry Ideal state and how to tackle them, and again, he’s talking more about internal resistance- the ‘it’s too late for me to start’ or ‘I’m not lucky’ mentality. There will always be external obstacles to overcome, but we shouldn’t let our own minds get in the way of us being happy. Boom. So, like I said, I’m going to be doing steps one and two tomorrow, and I encourage you guys to do the same, it’s like paid for but not paid for therapy.

Back from the break Sam Tripoli is in the studio!!! He has a new comedy album out on iTunes called ‘Believe in Yourself’ and it’s currently #2 after Jim Gaffagan, but before Louis CK, and Ellisfam, Big Daddy J has put out the call for us to make it number one, so go to iTunes and do what we do best. Sam, Ellis, and Tully talk a lot about comedy and traveling with comedy and how Sam is totally whipped by his girlfriend. Why is he whipped? Because he doesn’t want to talk about anything weird or sex-related all that much because after the last time he was on the show talking about being peed on by a Miley Cyrus stunt double (which he talked about again today) and getting robbed by the same hooker twice, his girlfriend yelled at him. Haha. Sam does tell Ellis that he is #1 on the comedy list in Canada (yay Canada) and they shake hands because Ellis knows how awesome it is that Canada gets it and they are both now part of the #1 in Canada team. Somehow they get onto the topic of roleplay and Ellis tells a short story about how before he had surgery he dressed up as Spiderman and picked up two pretend Hookers that he played hide and seek and then let’s fuck with. Tully apparently has never role-played before and said he’s too self-conscious to try with his wife (which I don’t really understand…isn’t she the one that you shouldn’t feel self-conscious around?) and Sam Tripoli drops the ‘I like for girls to call me the N-Bomb during sex’ bomb because…he’s gonna get in trouble with his girlfriend again. Hubbs and I have only role-played a couple of times, but it’s always fun, I do really good impressions of a couple of people and we laugh and fuck and…yeah…he’s the one person I could never feel self-conscious with. I want to have sex now. Ugh.

Sigh.

Back from the final break it’s time for a quick round of Helium Shock Collar Movie Review with CumFat…I mean, CumTard. Kevin is in the studio to suck in Helium and review the movie Godzilla with the added twist that Ellis, Tully, and Sam have a list of words that if Kevin says one, he gets shocked. Oh…and if he screams from being shocked…he get’s shocked again. I don’t remember all of the words, but they included Godzilla, monster, lizard, explosion, bomb, fire, San Francisco, US, Japan, radiation, Cranston, Breaking Bad, and Yes, and it was fucking Hilarious with a capital H on purpose. I thought Joe was gonna pee himself. He does this thing where when he laughs really hard he kicks or stomps his feet (so fucking adorable) and I heard a lot of foot stomping wiggliness from his side of the truck. When he’s getting shocked with the helium voice he sounds like an angry cartoon character, and it’s amazing. It made me really believe that he could do a voice for a cartoon character. Amazing. Sam really enjoyed watching and asking questions and said that CumTard was a champ. It’s such a good bit. Ellis said that CumTard is the best at being shocked, which is so true, but he also said that girls would be funny getting shocked but girls don’t want to get shocked. What the fuck girls is he trying to shock that don’t want to be shocked? Sign me up! Sounds like a blast!!! *raises hand, looks around hopefully*. No? No shocks for Jenni? Sad Jenni. Boohoo. It was right around here that Ellis got a text that made him say, “Oh shit, I gotta go,” but it wasn’t anything too dire, just something he needed to get handled and he was the one to handle it. And then the show ended. Lolz.

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s so cool that Doctors can fix the shit that breaks inside of you

Nuts are like pizza dough

Ellis will be off all pills in 2 to 3 months. Boom.

Ellis shaved his beard off because Katie decided she doesn’t like it

Nick Swardson is down to fight at EM10

Ellis thinks Tully would be Christian in a fight

Wilson wants THC to fight at EM10

Barley is a superfood that makes you super poo

Ellis is so thankful for all the well wishes he received from listeners

Ellis wants his kids to have a big, fat happy life

The self portraits are doing good on Ebay…auction over tomorrow!!

It’s not about Soulmates, it’s about partners in crime

Louisiana chicks are the greatest chicks ever

White chicks are insane

Koreans say the N’Bomb instead of ‘uhhhhh’

Miley Cyrus has donkey teeth and that’s kind of what makes her so hot

Sam Tripoli has seen Britney Spears’ hooha

Don’t Die.

 

So glad Big Daddy J is back!!!!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 4/1/14

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It’s raining! It’s pouring!!! Your mum keeps on whoring!!! I’m kidding, folks, your mum probably isn’t a whore, but if she is, I hope that her prices are fair and her pimp keeps a fair and gentle stranglehold on her human potential. That said, it’s time to get into my favorite part of every day, silently hating everyone that comes into my shop or calls on the phone because they make me have to keep pausing the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s show got underway with some conversation about how turning up your headphones can totally recharge your day, unless you play golf, in which case you probably wouldn’t be able to handle having your day charged up with Monster energy and Skullcandy earbuds cranked up to 11. EXTREME! Anyways, people need to stop taking golf so seriously, unless we decide to modify the rules of golf to include off-road go karts or jousting with the clubs or something. The same thing kind of goes for soccer. There’s a reason Americans gave it a different name than every other country that calls it football: we’re not the third world, and we can develop new sports when we get bored with kicking a ball across some grass. Tully remembers when American football used to be a lot more brutal too, the way Americans have always been known to act, but now with political correctness and giving kids gold medals for participation, it’s basically turned into a whine and bitch fest for overpaid high school jocks riding out the last few years that they can keep pulling it off. Remember how the NFL is a non-profit organization? Nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d remind everybody. On the off chance that Adam Snyder from the 49ers is reading this, disregard my opinion of pro-football players, EllisFam got no beef with a fellow member who happens to be a professional athlete. Jason got some new awesome beard care stuff from one of Katie’s friends, and it’s a good product but this friend is sort of an odd fellow, so Jason is trying to be miserly with it so he doesn’t turn into some creepy lactating euro guy from overuse of some unknown personal hygiene product. Jason instagrammed a picture of this stuff, and like the internet is known to do, every asshole with a 3G connection or better dropped their 2 cents on the subject. Ellis recently had his wallet stolen, and he knows where it happened, which just makes that shit sting a little bit harder cause money is one thing but having to go to the DMV for any reason ever is like having your coffee ejaculated in every morning for a week. Jason was filling out some paperwork to get new cards for some of his insurance and whatnot, and the nurse who was giving him the questionnaire to get a new health plan card didn’t know he used to be an action sports athlete and that he’s probably had his fair share of injuries. After all that was done though, Jason got to see the chiropractor and that guy had the most wonderful assortment of Rube Goldberg machines that fixed up J’s back pain faster than shit through a goose. Somehow the conversation turned to massage parlors and how  men go to chiropractors and women go to masseuses when they get sick of being unfulfilled by their husbands, or something to that effect. The guys took some phone calls on joint pain and not overextending yourself if you’ve spent the last 20 years going hard in the mother fucking paint without stretching first. Tully has been nursing a sore spot on his foot for a while and Ellis suggested that he might be right at that magic age where you either get old and fade away or start taking advantage of every bit of science and pseudo-science available to the common man and become the next Six Million Dollar radio co-host. A massage therapist from Utah called in and the guys couldn’t stop harassing him for a coccyx adjustment, but he said they would have to get in touch with him off the clock cause that particular massage is just a touch too close to the anus to do it during regular business hours when there could be a paper trail that can be used as evidence in a court of law. The guys talked more about back pain and getting old and how probably half the people you know who claim to have some fucked up body part probably just need to exercise more often OR man the fuck up and grow a vagina. AN Aussie guy called in to sound off on this, but Jason couldn’t stand his accent cause he felt like it was a negative stereotype against himself, so we didn’t get to hear a response, but one guy called to say he had to get a testicular surgery from playing some fuckin’ EXTREME golf. This guy got Tully on the topic of old guys who refuse to give up basketball and how he’s standing on a very wide fence about whether or not he’ll be one, and that fence gets a couple inches thinner every year. A lady called in to ask Jason why it is she might be overweight, even though she eats really healthy and runs marathons and shit, but still can’t get that last 35 pounds off that her doctor is recommending. After asking a few questions, it became obvious this lady probably has some sort of ancient hex placed against her and she should call her local shaman to exorcise it, or learn black magic herself so that she may pass along the curse to some other unfortunate bloodline. After a few more questions, it seems that maybe she’s not sticking to everything as well as she says she is, or her doctor really is an idiot. But fuck all that, cause there’s a new surrogate/substitute/replacement website for EllisMania and it is officialjasonellis.com!!! It’s pretty much the same website, just with a different URL and you might get a few free months while they’re transferring all the user data over!!! The guys looked over the new site and what the top five videos viewed were, and it’s official: The crazy, yelling, pissing lady who was harassing Jason outside the gym is the most universally entertaining thing in all of the internet! After being told this, Ellis could not help but remind the listeners that in West Hollywood, it is impossible to escape the sight of urine on a daily basis, on those mean southern California streets. It’s like the sun rises, and everyone in the city faces the center of town and starts pissing. There was more talk about how when you get old you need to be more responsible with your body or your anus is gonna get uterine cancer or something, I couldn’t follow it cause I was digesting some wonderful delicious pizza and  thinking about staying up till 2 playing video games tonight and then maybe snapping one off in the shower, but I’m sure there was a lot of positive advice for the people who needed it. This all flowed in to talk about always expecting the worst case scenario, and WILSON came in to call Tully out for saying it all the time, which Tully could not remember doing at work but can definitely recall doing with his wife. WILSON was good about this topic, he keeps as positive an outlook as possible, with those glimmering shins and that majestical peacock-like waxed semi-hawk, getting around on foot cause he had to get rid of his Saab, he’s like the father I always wanted, except for constantly being on conference calls, which would make him pretty similar to the dad I got, so win-win-lose if he were to adopt me? Great news though, WILSON has been given permission to fight Cumtard!!! AND THE FACKING TOWNSPEOPLE REJOICE YA FACKIN’ CUNTS!!! So, EllisMania 10 is gonna be some unimaginably awesome shit, just for that. In talking about the fight to come, I couldn’t help noticing that the guys keep mentioning me (cause I have a sensitive ego and am very receptive to any and all input, positive or negative) and Pendarvis may not have the punch power that Kevin does, but after reviewing the video of my first round TKO by the Tard, it seemed to be a pretty fair match between me and Kevin back at EM8 and it would probably be slightly better odds in Will’s favor just cause he’s gonna be a lot harder to move out of the way than I am. I’ll let you guys stew on that and reminisce about watching me smoke what I’m hoping wasn’t actually pubic hair a couple summers ago, while the boys regroup and Akka Dakka provides the soundtrack.

 

Ugh, so someone parked a Prius with eyelashes on the headlights across the street from my work. No real reason why I’m mentioning it, I just despise people who treat the Prius the same way everyone treated the VW Beetle in it’s heyday. It’s like there needs to be an “Unsafe at Any Speed 2: You can make a hybrid that has enough horsepower to moveat a reasonable pace with traffic.” But I digress, cause McLaren has built a nine hundred and something horsepower hybrid that can literally strip the paint off a Prius in two flyby’s, so technology isn’t leaving those of us with a respect for the motoring arts out to dry. Anyways folks, AUSSIE NEWS! First up, there could allegedly be a Vegemite energy drink, but it is April fool’s day, so that’s total bullshit, but in actual real news, there’s gonna be movie coming out THAT IS ALMOST AN EXACT RIPOFF OF THE WOODSMAN!!! Except that it’s about Drop Bears, which is also something Jason says he invented, but it’s not important because this (allegedly fake?) movie trailer isn’t as much of a horror movie, but sort of a comedy, but a really shitty one, and not aided by cheesy one-liners about cumming on someone’s face after murdering them with their own aborted foetus. So maybe it’s worth watching, but then again it could be a steaming bowl of elephant piss, or it could be yet another elaborate internet prank against the world. The guys kicked around more ideas for another movie to film, because they really had a lot of fun with both The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. Scarier than another hidden pussy fart though, a girl in Mexico is in hot water after allegedly stabbing her friend 65 times over some naked selfies that they posted to Facebook, once again proving the intrinsic lack of value Facebook has to the human race. Jason argued with Cumtard for a bit about whether or not there would be a CEO knock-out at EM10 and the guys decided to make a bet out of it, the stakes are, if Cumtard survives past the first round, Ellis is gonna rollerblade in full view of the crowd, and if he doesn’t, Kevin has to eat as many onion rings as they can stack on an erect penis. Now, I’m not one to watch what is essentially gay porn, but even that sounds kind of funny. Especially when Tully threw it out there that it needs to be someone they don’t know, preferably a humongous porn cock. The name that was suggested was Mr. Marcus, but then Tully realized the reason that name popped in his head is because that guy did 30 days in jail for knowingly giving two female costars syphilis. So it looks like aside from puking on a massive, pulsating doom spigot, Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft is also going to go out just like Al Capone. Myself, I couldn’t be more excited for this whole thing to play out. Kevin has diarrhea today too, so there’s that for you. The guys talked some more about all the fights that are gonna be happening at this next EllisMania, not just the fight between Kevin and his self respect after eating onion rings in some sort of bizarre live sex act. The pinata fight was suggested, as it really could have worked if they had been able to get an actual pinata instead of throwing Grant Cobb in the middle of the ring with no warning or headgear. Also, the Biggest loser fight, which is open to two men and two women, so there might be two of those fights, if the volunteers can be found. Pendarvis and Kevin came in to trade some intimidation in regards to their upcoming bout, and after hearing about Kevin getting randomly assaulted by a drunk firefighter (hey, he didn’t go to the ground) we found out that WILSON has been smashing rib cages since before kindergarten. All that aside, Kevin is already planning how to eat onion rings off of a gigantic phallus without having to worry about triggering his gag reflex. All this talk did trigger a great contender for the name of this EllisMania though, or possibly a new Death!Death!Die! song: Cock Vomit. They also through out the idea of EllisMania 10: Sea Men Fight. But the name really isn’t important, because the guys really need to sort out the logistics of how this onion ring cock sleeve thing is gonna go down. And since the insurance to have a porn star put deep fried food up the length of his phallus in full view of a few thousand people is probably astronomical, they’re thinking of having a more illuminati type affair back in Jason’s room with naught but a small select crowd and lots of plastic sheeting. A few people called in to make it as clear as possible that Cumtard really does need to make good on this bet, and that apparently it’s not so weird that people want to watch it happen. A couple folks even volunteered their cocks for the whole thing. One guy had half inch long genital warts though, and Kevin used the whole “Michael Douglass HPV Throat Cancer” defense to let the guys know he wouldn’t do it if they picked that guy (like a bitch). While you all make peace with your gods over what you’re about to fly to Vegas to see this summer, let’s have some Nirvana and take a breather.

 

HEY POTHEADS!!! You’re gonna get a kick out of this one! The guys found a video of a kid ABSOLUTELY LOSING HIS SHIT AFTER TRYING DABS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING EPIC!!! I remember having a couple shitty times when I did drugs, but if I did something like this kid I would have promptly been beaten and robbed by every friend I ever had, simply on principle. There was some talk about salvia cause a lot of people claim to go absolutely fucking nuts when they do it, but Tully has smoked a metric shitload of it and could still pass a field sobriety test. Cumtard came in to share some of his experiences with it and it sounds like for the right person, it could be a great time, and for the wrong person, it would be a great way to reduce the population when people have a tard session and run out into traffic. One guy called in to tell the guys about one time when he smoked salvia and went and took a shit on his front porch, then he punched his roommate in the face. Red Dragons. I remember one time at Boy Scout camp when me and a buddy got some weed that was laced with PCP and we smoked a bunch of it and started seeing all kinds of colors in the pitch blackness of night in our tent, and then I fell asleep halfway through eating a sheet of beef jerky and woke up with the whole side of my face fucking CHAPPED like a salt cured fish. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, nuh-nah-nuh-nah-mean? There were some more phone calls on salvia and interesting things that people have done when high. One time myself, same buddy, Boy Scout snow camporee, we built an igloo for the multi-troop competition, it was the fucking sweetest one and got our troop a ribbon, then we ditched everybody else and GOT THAT MOTHA FUCKA MUGGY AS FUCK and carved some titties in the wall, cause when you’re young, you do stupid shit like hotboxing igloos and carving titties in the snow. Oh, and the first time I did whipits, I made the mistake of hitting one while I was standing up, and just as I was exhaling I fell directly sideways into a stack of shit in the corner of my friend’s room and almost smashed a ship in a bottle on my forehead in the process. Driving to his old college on acid was a hell of a time, we got the stuff just past sundown, took some, kept the rest for the Mardis Gras weekend we were about to take part in, and drove four hours from Hayward to San Luis Obispo. Best moment of the drive, I’m in the fast lane doing about 95 in my old Volvo station wagon and this dude has been riding my ass for miles, so just as I’m about ready to switch lanes and let him pass, THE FUCKING RED AND BLUES START FLASHING!!!! And here’s the kicker, the cop was BEHIND THE GUY BEHIND ME AND DIDN’T TRY TO CHASE US! If I was ever gonna shit my pants and make sure everybody knew it, that night would have been the night to do it. I introduced all those rich surfer kids to drinking forties and smoking Newport 100’s that weekend, and saw lots of college nudity. Second to last night there, we were drinking on this girl’s balcony while there was a big crowd in the courtyard below, and all of a sudden, in perfect slow motion, a 40oz bottle goes flying through the air… and explodes on top of a riot cop’s helmet. The cops immediately unloaded paintballs and sandbags every which direction and I promise you have never seen two thousand drunk college kids clear out of anywhere so god damn fast. I’m only telling these stories cause that’s what everyone else was doing on the Ellis show, and since a lot of you probably already heard it, and this is not the Ellis show, I figured I’d give you some of my own. The guys started digging through the props box for all the stuff they want to keep or get rid of for their celebrity guest instagram photos. The reason for the spring cleaning is that a costume company has reached out to the show and wants to give them some stuff to keep around for those historic photo moments. Unfortunately, in the process of this, the guys called out Hardcore the intern for corralling celebrity guests into taking pictures with him for his own Instagram. WILSON is just as guilty, only he tries to be a little more low key about it and slip them the tongue when the flash goes off. Pendarvis got all kinds of defensive about it, and Hardcore is probably gonna flunk whatever class he was supposed to get credit for by doing this internship, and Jetta does it a bit but he isn’t a complete asshole about it and tries to do his own thing instead of playing Tarzan off anybody else’s nuts. Cumtard is a bit more reasonable about it, he at least gets pics of everything going on at the show, not just celebrities, but all the same he could do to tone it down a bit, or WILSON is gonna start withholding sex and their bizarre working bromance could be put in jeopardy over who gets more likes whenever Joanna Angel stops by. Tully and Jason came to the agreement with everybody that they can take all the guest pics they want, you just gotta do it “Creepshots” style and pretend to take a phone call but really have video rolling. WILSON got really bent about that and went to sulk because the press pass hanging from his angry lanyard was not properly respected by the crew. The guys took some final calls on things and stuff, one guy tried to psychoanalyze WILSON over the suggestion from yesterday that he start smoking weed, but it was poorly timed so the guys didn’t bother listening to it all. There was more digging through the props box and it sounds like the guys need to buy some more of the creepy handmade shit off Etsy that they always seem to find, but they do have some good ones in there that you can keep an eye out for when you’re trolling everybody’s instagram to see if anybody got spy photos of Mark McGrath’s dick in passing or whatever the hell you look for when you’re on instagram. There were some more final calls about stuff and shit and things and whatever, and Cullen might be the CEO of Faction if Jason ever gets his own channel, since he pretty much works a 395 hour workday running the channel as it is, with WILSON pulling 72 hour days as a supervisor. Of course, this is all hypothetical until Ellis can manage properly cultivating his beard into a proper authoritative mechanism that commands respect from the international corporate community of SiriusXM. If that all goes according to plan, he’s probably gonna cherry pick his own staff and talent, and Faction will sink by the wayside like the short lived Punk channel that I actually really liked, that Cullen and Cechnicki were in charge of before the merger. Don’t forget, the guys are gonna do unsigned bands again soon, so get your shitty alt-pop offerings out on the internet at submittoellis@gmail.com and it’ll get airplay for one whole week, at some time between noon and 4 PM, Monday through Friday, and even if it’s the best of the pack it will still probably be deeply ridiculed, and that’s OK cause it’s all in good fun and no matter what music you make, there’s an audience that wants to hear it. Just look at that shithead Justin Bieber! The guys played around with the idea of going to church and breaking off the minister mid-sermon to preach the word of Pantera, and I for one think that would be a hell of a reality prank show. So if you have a YouTube account, I would love to see your best attempt. While you’re at it, LEARN WHAT THE FUCKING DON’T DIE SEGMENT FUCKING MEANS!!! IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHIT HASN’T BEEN A STAPLE ON THE END OF THE SHOW FOR SEVERAL FUCKING YEARS NOW!!! YOU WONDER WHY I REFER TO 80% OF HUMANITY AS A PACK OF MORONS?!?!??! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,