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Show Recap for Thursday 8/28/2014

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When all else fails and everything is kind of turning in to shit…get yourself some wolves. Dig deep, find your inner howl, and release a pack of wolves because apparently, those fucks are roving packs of Mr. Fix Its. Ellis opened up the show with some howling wolf audio and some guy who sounded a lot like Malcom McDowell telling all us wonderful and dedicated listeners about how at one point in the 90’s Yellowstone National Park was kind of turning to shit and to fix it, they released a pack of wolves and after a few years, the wolves had that place running in tip top shape. Boom. That was a severe over simplification of what was actually said, but it boils down to wolves are awesome, which we all already knew. The ever wonderful unofficial Oracle of The Jason Ellis Show, our Twitter Feeds, and NYA- Bitpimps, was to thank for sending that tidbit to the show, and it’s a pretty neat video that you should go watch because I took the time to type ‘wolves at Yellowstone’ into google and put the link up for you guys. Guess what?!?! Tully is back!! He isn’t 100% yet, but he’s back and sounds mostly like himself with the occasional cough and Ellis officially has been diagnosed with Giardia, which is a disease that you can catch from your houselhold pets and makes your tummy all sad and crampy and your poopie all…diarrhea-y and stuff. Ugh. But, at least now Ellis knows what he has and he can take antibiotics and get all better and..oh…he can’t take antibiotics yet because he couldn’t get them before he started the show, but man he can not wait to start taking those antibiotics because Dr. Drew (who has had Giardia twice allegedly) told him that as soon as the meds are in his system he will immediately start feeling better. Tully missed a lot while he was home sick, and he knows some of what he missed and isn’t clear on some other things. One of the first things that Tully asks about is if Ellis had something stuck up his ass, to which Ellis tells him that no he just had to do a poopy in the doctors office and scoop it into vials (which Tully knew because he saw the instagram photo) but all Katie had done at the doctor was a Q-Tip in her bum. But what Tully was referring to was Wednesday’s show where Joanna Angel shocked Ellis’s hole and put an Ice Stick up in and around there (allegedly). They spend some time talking about how Ellis could possibly transmit the Giardia to other people and wonders if he put Tully, the Guys of the Green Room, and tons of other (much more innocent) bystanders at risk for the disease just by shaking hands. Will pops his head in (metaphorically) to say that of course he already googled that shit and he’s pretty sure that they are in the clear, and Tully adds in the tidbit that Giardia is transmitted by fecal/oral contamination so they should be in the clear so long as Ellis washes his hands and no one eats shit. Which is a sentence I should have written after I heated up my Quesadilla because now I’m all ‘ew’.

In other news, Suge Knight was shot 6 times last week and didn’t die, and also didn’t tell the cops who it was that shot him. Tully and Ellis think that he didn’t rat out who shot him because now, MotherFucking Suge Knight is gonna come for you so you better start running now or hope that the cops find you first. Ellis and Tully also devise a plan where Suge Knight could successfully assasinate P. Diddy (because of course it’s Diddy who is behind all of it) by finding some random guy, throwing a blonde wig, a Monster hat, some sunnies, and a Grenade hoodie on him because, boom, Dingo, and no one ever suspects The Dingo. Plus, although he is a rather attention attraction fellow, he is relatively nondescript at the same time, and it would be totally possible to dress anybody up into a Dingo Doppelganger and make him an assassin. I also decided that I am going to dress up as The Dingo for Halloween and enlisted Hubbs to be my bestie Kelly Osbourne. Hubbs hasn’t agreed to it yet, and I’m sure it will be hard to find heels for his gigantic feet…but oh my god, that visual is totally worth it. Hubbs told me that’s why he never got dressed up for Halloween and I told him ‘booooooooooooo’.

On to the subject of kids, The Ellis kids were having a giant fight before Ellis came into the show today and it got so bad that he had to bring up the whole, ‘any of us could die at any time and how would you like for the last thing you said to be nonsense’ thing which Ellis said made Tiggie pretty bummed out but Devin was trying to be all stiff upper lip about it and Ellis really had to drive the point home. Devin also talked to Ellis about how Mummy is on her cell phone too much and it bummed her out, so Ellis had to make the call to Mummy and instead of there being a fight about it, Mummy was all “Okay, I’m going to have to check that” and Ellis said that he would check his cell phone use also because it’s always so easy to fall into the cell phone trap these days. Tully agrees whole heartedly with this because he knows he and Wifey fall in to the trap because there’s only so many times you can introduce toys to each other over and over ad nauseum for 6 months without wanting to distract yourself with whatever may be in your inbox or on social media. Tully goes on to say that Cell Phones are the Cancer Sticks of yesteryear and he doesn’t want to pass the habit on to Little Dude because he feels like it’s shameful.

So, Vaginas!!! I mean, everyone has one, right? Oh no? Just me? Oh…not just me? Just the girls. That’s right. The females have the vaginas. Tully brings us back from the break with a segment on vaginas, because, well, some listeners have them and some listeners want to play with them, so why not know some more about them? Tully found some articles online about vaginal maintenance that keeps your vag in tip top shape and makes it smell like roses and taste like ambrosia, or some sort of nonsense. The recipe for sweet smelling and super nom tasting vagina include washing the vag twice a day, airing out the cookie and wearing cotton panties, not spraying perfume on your box, waxing the beave (because sweat clings to pubic hair), using baby wipes after using the bathroom, having a vegetarian diet, not consuming beer/coffee/spicy food/alcohol/asparagus/raw onion/garlic, not having yeast infections (yeah, because we try and have those), and dipping a tampon in yogurt and shoving it up your hole. Now…this turned out to be a lot more controversial than i think Tully or Ellis anticipated because there were tons of phone calls from girls about what was wrong and what was right and there was a girl who was all about spraying perfume on her box, and a girl who talked like everything was a question that I wanted to throttle because I hate that…and if there is one thing I know..it’s don’t stick yogurt up your twat. That’s ridiculous. Eat yogurt. It is good for your vag…but when you eat it. The next part of the vag segment involved disgusting vagina stories because someone from TheFrisky.com decided that if guys get to throw around words like ‘dick cheese’ then ladies should be able to talk about ‘period boogers’…and you know what? Fuck that. I’m a female..I know what goes on down there..I would much rather hear about dick cheese (even though I don’t think I’ve heard that description since I was about 16) than anything gross regarding what goes on with vaginas. Vaginas are fucking terrifying when they want to be. Case closed. And the nasty bitch who wrote the article about maxi pad diapers, double stuffing tampons, and tampons getting lost in the abyss…shame on you, bitch, because that did no good for anyone. I don’t talk about that with anyone. Me and my closest girlfriends…the closest we get to talk about any grossness regarding menstrual cycles is exclusive to the following phrase, “Oh my god, it was like a massacre/crime scene”. That’s it. My closest fucking female friend. There is no detail, there is no harping on…periods are gross. I tell Hubbs when it hurts, when it makes me feel sick, he rubs my tummy, and four days later…life moves on. A caller named CeeCee…who was a doctor, related a tale about removing a fist sized tampon from some poor girl’s vag after it had been up there for a month and the smell was so bad they had to close down a part of the ER. And really…Will was retching in the green room the entire segment, Ellis kept pushing vomit-noise buttons and the whole thing was foul. And I wound up listening to this part twice and both times I was all, “Why, just…why?” To which Hubbs responded, “Hey, if it makes you feel any better, you may have a Vagina, but I’m the one who licks it.”

Justin Bua MMA enthusiast and artist extraordinaire is back in the studio to critique some more TJES artwork but before he does that…they play some catch up and talk MMA, Ronda Rousey, Jason Momoa, and Bua also shares some artwork from his own personal sketchbook which none of us get to see because we are not as cool as Ellis and Tully. Apparently he draws vaginas and naked women and things of that nature in his personal sketchbook, because he really and truly appreciates the female form in all shapes and sizes because it’s a beautiful thing. Bua’s artwork is going to be on display in the new season of The Ultimate Fighter’s Fighter House, and also says that this season is the first all female UF season and that should be cook, cause chicks beating each other up is really pretty awesome. Tully brings up Justin Bua’s new reality show that is going to be on the Oxygen Network and involves street art, and I think most of the reason he brings it up at all is because Tully doesn’t like a lot of street art because it’s nonsense. Bua says that there is a lot of street art out there that is bad art, because not everyone is a good artist, and street art is very reflective of what’s going on in society and our society is kind of in a stage of being a big pile of shit. Bua also tells everyone that he is going to be one of the people in charge of picking out the art for USPS stamps for the foreseeable future, which is pretty badass and something I never really thought of before. I mean…people collect stamps, but there aren’t a lot of letters getting sent anymore…so…are they gonna keep producing stamps just for people to go on collecting? Seems kind of weird. For the art critique, everyone drew pictures of wolves and Bua gave them all their props, as he did the last time he was on the show. He is a very open minded guy, and if you follow the link that I posted earlier in this paragraph, you’ll see why I said that. The one that undoubtedly caused the most stir was Will’s drawing of a wolf with melting feet on top of a cross, which had some sort of biblical quote around the top of it and then a bunch of characters from random foreign languages around the bottom part of it. Ellis accused Will of tracing, which Will vehemently denied, and Will eventually conceded that he just picked out the characters because he liked how it looked and he needed something to round the picture out. An answer which Justin Bua basically fed to him.

For the last part of the show they played another video which had been sent to them by Bitpimps involving a gay 20 year old male getting into a fight with his family members when his mother throws him out of the house for being gay. It was really sad. I hate that. Ellis hated it and Tully wasn’t really a fan of it either. Ellis still finds it really hard to believe that there are people who would turn their back on their children for being gay in the name of religion, and a modicum of hope was restored in humanity when a caller told the show that she was Christian and that anyone who used their religion as an excuse for why they don’t like gay people are just insane because Christians are supposed to love and forgive and leave it for God to judge us all. Then, for a second, they were going to do some Wolfknives names, but then Ellis wasn’t really feeling it. Ellis started fading out because his tumtum hurt and Tully was fading as well since he’s still kind of sick and they moved on to doing some Teen Advice. It wasn’t the best Teen Advice segment that I’ve ever heard and it boils down to- don’t have sex until you are ready, if your parents make you wear adult diapers for one bed wetting incident that they blame on masturbation you should run away, moms can be really creepy, and if you have no friends, interests, hobbies, or talents, you should probably work for The Jason Ellis Show. Final calls had their ups and downs, lots of sex advice wound up getting thrown around and asked for, you should never force your wife to have sex with you but if it’s been a year and a half you need to find a better therapist, and if your girlfriend doesn’t like sucking your dick, she just might not like sucking your dick, which is a shame because Blow Jobs are awesome.

That’s all I have folks…sorry for the lateness, sorry for the shortness (usually I try to be much more detailed) but there’s some shit going on. Hopefully all will be well next week!! Love you! xoxox

Show Recap for Thursday 8/21/2014

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Some people just have that fire in their eye, you know, and it makes you know that you are not the person to be fucked with because you have fire eyes, and hopefully your eyes aren’t on fire because I’m pretty sure having eyeball nerves melting would suck pretty bad until only your pupils were remaining to be burned cause, you know, no pain receptors there. You know who has fire in his eye as he’s deftly maneuvering around the basketball court of his local LA Fitness? Tully. That’s right…and my, oh my, Tully apparently sure looks refreshed for today’s show. Probably because he was just doused, as is the oh so popular thing right now, by a bucket of ice water over his head. Tully admits that he feels super refreshed and is digging on his whole spikey hair and swim trunks vibe that he’s rocking in the studio, so much so that he didn’t change into the clothes that he had brought along for after the stunt. And also, yeah, he has fire in his eye when he plays basketball, and tennis, and (in my opinion) anything else competitive. I mean, you guys heard the Best Of from the other day, where he and Ellis were playing Pictionary against CumTard and…some guy….some comic book guy…god, whose name I seriously can not remember right now, but man Tully got full on snarky within seconds of beginning to draw. And apparently, pick up basketball at LA Fitness is a sewer of lying, cheating, pieces of shit who have fights over the score and call stupid fouls because they’re sore losers and Tully basically needs to get his trash talk on. Ellis, of course, is also a man with fire in his eye, and he used to say ‘Fuck’ at the vert ramp. Like, a lot. He said there were times that he should have put a plug in it, but he didn’t, and- hey, speaking of skating, Ellis is thinking of going to Venice Beach this weekend and get his skate on. That sounds so lame. Obviously I have never done more than rolled down the street on my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles skateboard back when I was eight. But yeah, Ellis went for a bit of a ride around on his new deck yesterday and did a couple ollies and went ‘weeeeee’ and landed them, like a professional skateboarder does, and he doesn’t have the kiddies Saturday so GAME ON, MOTHERFUCKER!!! Ellis says that he feels like his body still knows how to skate and he’s pretty sure if he got on a vert ramp and was given 5 minutes he would be able to pull some shit out, but there is a part of him that so seriously does not want to run into anybody and really really does not want to fall.

Ellis watched some videos of him racing UTV’s when he went last weekend and even though he didn’t do so bad, he says that he is a bad driver and he sees a lot of room for improvement. He says that he wiggles too much in there and needs to tighten things up a bit, because things like that mean seconds in terms of improvement and races are won in those seconds. Red Dragons. Maybe. Ellis then talked about how he saw a story that some 15 year old kid who was racing in the Lucas Oil Series got shit whipped and punctured and lung and just, Fuck that, man. Ellis would be so pissed if he were racing and after all of that time and effort and hard work he did something that almost made him die. Fuck that. Super bitter. But Tully chimes in to say that, well, shit like that can happen even if you aren’t racing UTVs. Lungs be collapsin all over the damn place. Sometimes they do it for no reason (that’s me lying to you) and, you know, hey, you could be walking down the street and someone could be trying to rob a bank by throwing a brick through the window (because of all of the times that has been tried and worked) and since they obviously aren’t very bright as they are trying to rob a bank by smashing a window, they miss the window and the brick hits you square in the chest and bing, bang, boom, motherfucker, you have a broken lung. Or something. Anything could kill any one of us at any time, so we really should all just stay home, except no, because most Fatal Accidents occur inside the home, according to Tully, so really there’s no reason to get out of bed, but uh-oh, there are tons of ways to die in bed as well. Fuck it. Ellis makes a joke about how he would die in bed, and Tully does that whole guy thing where he’s like “Hell yeah!” but quickly takes it back, because really, that isn’t the shittiest way to die, but it isn’t the best way to go either. Ellis agrees saying that it’s gotta suck to be all of a sudden having a great time, to having a heart attack and that fear and then being dead and then having the lady your with shaking you and pumping on your chest trying to bring you back to life while she cries out your name, because at that moment in time, every lady turns into that stereotypical heroin junkie girlfriend pathetic and desperately trying to revive her OD’d lover. That’s a proven fact, son. Tully brings up that if he were given the choice if he were fatally ill and had the oppurtunity, he’d give his family his farewell speech and get high as fuck until there was no more high to fuck. Ellis is super on board with this idea and they riff for a while about getting high and dying, which really wasn’t as morbid as it sounds, and Ellis talks about different ways to go out with the highest fuck of a bang with the contenders being getting super high and shot over/into the Grand Canyon, getting high and shot into space, or getting high and going into a submarine and into the deep ocean to be chill and isolated and depressed as fuck for his last few days while listening to Morrissey. Well, Tully finds that last idea unappealing, but that motherfucker hates the beach. Who hates the beach? I mean, he’s from Jersey. There was a really horrible show about a the Jersey Shore…how can he hate the beach? And that sand excuse? Fuck that. Sand is wonderful. And it washes off and vaccuums right up. I know. I live on an island. There’s sand around here in fucking excellent supply, even if you’re in the middle of the island. But, Tully does agree that if you’re gonna do something super depressing while your dying, Morrissey is the way to go because that dude was affected, if you know what I mean, in fact, if you are currently dying or about to shoot yourself in the face or something (please don’t be doing that because I would be really sad) you should prolly check out a song called ‘Asleep’ because it is the ultimate soundtrack to your death if you wanna put it on repeat.

Ellis has been finding some interesting things on Instagram that he kind of can’t believe is on Instagram, as if he posted pictures like that he’d be on his fourth account by now, and one of the things has been a lingerie (Lawn-jer-ay…every time he said it I giggled) line called Belle de Nuit (Beautiful Lady of the Night) and it makes him think that Courtney Love is making a comeback because they have pictures of her on their website, and she doesn’t look all that bad. Which is good. Good for her. Tully thinks that it may be because her daughter, Frances Bean, is old enough now to kind of be the ‘mom’ and make sure that Courtney isn’t flying off the rails, which is also good, but really kinda sad. Tully tells a story about a time when he saw Courtney Love outside of Swinghouse back in the day (the days where she was really nowhere near the rails…well…maybe one kind of rail ;) and he said that she looked completely disconnected from reality with darting eyes and being corralled by a handler and looking like a Junkie ET. Tully then brings up that he is into Jean Provocateur Lingerie, but it’s super expensive and he has yet to actually buy any of it for that Lady Friend of his that he calls his Wife. They get into a discussion about what they find sexy and how their sexual lives started very differently, as Tully had to try and catch sneak peeks of boobs in R-Rated movies and sometimes hang out with that one kid he knew whose dad had a stack of Playboys, whereas Ellis remembers that the first porn he watched as a child (like, fully as a child) included a scene where a bunch of dudes all came on some salad and the ladies ate it. That’s pretty advanced. This led to talks about the other interesting things that Ellis has found on Instagram that should be on an app that Tully needs to invent (before someone else does) called Sinstagram that include some serious dominatrix stuff and that’s cool, even the picture of a girl who was rocking mousetraps on her side thingies (labia) and a giant fishhook up her butt was kind of cool. What Tully brings up that makes Ellis kind of squeamish is the whole Rape Fantasy thing, which Tully purports or rather common in the kink world. Or even the not so kink world. They talk about rape fantasy for a bit, and like I said, Ellis seemed sort of squeamish about the whole thing even though he’s into Domination, but he really doesn’t like the thought of pretending to rape someone. It’s a hard topic to really talk about and not sound kind of like an asshole unless you have a psychology degree…so that’s really all I’m going to say about it. I don’t have a psychology degree.

On to less Rape Fantasy things…Ellis is still looking at houses that he might want to and/or be able to buy and he brought up that whole wanting ninjas to fight him after breakfast idea, and said that may not be the most practical of all things…but he’s kind of thinking that he wants a room in his house to be a Dojo. And if he can’t have that room in his house…he could always build something like that in his backyard, right? Tully says, “Of course” and the subject quickly switches to Tully’s Ice Bucket Challenge Video which is pretty adorable and Ellis says he did a good job. People have been asking Ellis what he thinks of the whole Ice Bucket Challenge now that it’s reached that time in viral trend timeline where people are down on it because everyone is doing it and Ellis replied “16 Million dollars” which is a great reply. They ALSA is actually reporting closer to $40 Million dollars now, so fuck anyone who wants to hate on a silly activity that is doing astounding things for medical research. They talk about Cystic Fibrosis and AIDs research and Ellis talks about how he just wants everything that affects kids to be cured, cause the kids are innocent and they shouldn’t have to die before they even get to be people. It’s so true, my cousin died from Cystic Fibrosis when I was little and…that shit is fucking heartbreaking. Every charity should have something so popular, something that encourages people to donate, because those millions and millions of dollars are going to save lives.

Speaking of little kids, Ellis and Tully DadBro Down a bit about their kids and being fathers for a bit, Ellis saying that he likes hanging with Devin’s 9 year old friends for a few minutes when he picks her up from school because kids are open books, and Tully saying that Little Dude has thoughts no deeper than ‘Choo-choo’ and ‘Dump Truck’ and ‘Thomas’ and it was so much easier to think that deeper thoughts were happening when he didn’t talk so much. Ellis also says that he has been reading to his kids every night and feels like his reading is really improving. It’s a big step for him as a Dad because he always used to try and get out of the bedtime reading thing because he didn’t want to be made fun of for how he reads, and he’s pretty proud that he can read whole stories to them now. And i think that’s fucking awesome. I ‘awwwwwww’d out loud. Especially cause he understands the little dotty things better now.

Rounding out the discussion from the beginning of the show Ellis brings up the Podcast he recorded with Jesse Ventura since it wasn’t the friendliest podcast of all time and asks Cumtard if he’s heard anything from the Jesse Ventura camp as to whether it’s going to be posted or not. So far as anyone knows it’s going to be posted. Apparently they got into a disagreement over legalizing weed and gay marriage (we all know where Ellis sides with this, right?) and the fake/toughness of pro wrestling versus MMA. Again…we all know where Big Daddy J comes down…on the side of MMA. Jesse Ventura, being a former pro wrestler thinks he’s the toughest of the tough of the toughest of all the tough sports…but…whatever…who really cares? Is that guy still a guy? Or a thing? Who the hell cares? Of course MMA is a tougher sport…they’re athletes that are doing real things, not actors with tons of muscles getting fake body slammed again and again.

After the first break, Ellis enlightens us to the fact that he has a razor burn above his penis from where he got waxed…so…he has wax burn (i dunno if that’s a thing, but why not) and it’s uncomfortable and he doesn’t like it and will prolly never get that bit waxed again. Tully tells us about a news story where a man faked his death to get out of marrying his girlfriend because obviously that guy is both a pussy and a dick.  Then they get into a segment where each of the guys in the green room and Tully have picked 5 songs for possible play on Faction with Jason Ellis and Ellis is supposed to yay or nay and try and figure out who picked which song. And honestly…I wasn’t a fan of the segment. It took a long time and they didn’t always say the name of the song, or the band name, and I’m not really good at identifying music (i can’t even really do it to music that I always listen to). So…over the course of an hour clips of songs were played, everything Jetta picked got an ‘uh, no’ and Tully, Will, Cumtard, and HotDog all got at least one or two yesses for their picks.

At Halftime Tully reminds us that there are tons of other causes out there worthy of our attention, including Multiple Sclerosis, which you can learn more about by visiting Jack Osbourne’s site. Also, don’t forget that Ellis’s website is no longer Ellismania…that has been hijacked and it’s over and dead. Instead, go to Offical Jason Ellis and sign up or just watch the free video. Also, if you want, you can listen to TJES even when it isn’t live by using the OnDemand Function that is available with the SiriusXM app…and of course, there is also The Jason Ellis Channel 713 for all of your 24 hour, Jason Ellis needs.

At this point, Tully is about to open up a segment involving stories about people’s crazy ex’s because, “everyone has one” but then Will ruins it by saying, “Except HotDog” because HotDog, that oh so lovable intern who will be doing a second internship with the show so we don’t lose him (yay!!! So many yays!!!) has never had a girlfriend. Tully and Ellis call HotDog into the studio for a chatty chat. HotDog is 21 and a very lovable guy, from what we’ve all heard, and it seems kind of impossible that he has never had a girlfriend or even made out with a girl. But, he has eaten a girl out, which Ellis is quick to correct to he has ‘licked a girl’s cookie’. Hotdog says that sex really isn’t a top priority for him and he doesn’t want to go out and try and pick up girls, but he isn’t opposed to having sex with girls. To me, it just sounds like he doesn’t want to work for it. He doesn’t have anything against fooling around with pornstars, although he doesn’t really want to be jerked off by one poolside in front of a bunch of people, and Ellis believes him that he just really doesn’t care that much. The conversation gets sidetracked by The Wheel of Doom potential tortures, but the best one that gets brought up is from our very own Bitpimps and includes having Hotdog sit on your lap and tickling him til he farts. Oh, the mighty oracle has gifted us with the knowledge again. But then they get back to HotDog, and Ellis spends the rest of this segment kind of pep talking HotDog because Ellis suddenly no longer believes that HotDog doesn’t care about getting laid because he’s a man and men want to get laid and if he doesn’t feel the drive the go out and get laid it’s because he’s spending too much time home alone or with his kookie plant loving roommate (who in my mind looks like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) and he needs to get out there and be all that he can be because he’s awesome. Tully and Ellis tell him to just get out there, maybe join a bowling league, make a movie about his life, make some new friends in LA since he’s all lonely because his friends are back home in San Diego. And I’m like, yeah, go HotDog, just get out there and have fun and meet people and throw your dick around like King Kong!!!! That might not make sense, but I don’t have a dick, so work with me here!!! Tully does bring up that he understands how it could be easier to not have sex nowadays because of the availability of porn, and he says, “It’s just as good” which is when both me and Hubbs stared at the radio. Nononono, Tully…Watching Porn with dick in your hand is nowhere even in the same ball park as fucking. At All. No. Sex is…so much more wonderful with someone else there!!! I mean…just damn. Get out there HotDog!!! You’re adorable!!! Chicks want to bang you, you just don’t know it yet! Girls need to be chased a little, sometimes!!!

So, today to wrap up the show, they talk about Crazy Ex’s because, you know, everyone has one. Lol. Ellis tells a story that is in his first book, I’m Awesome, about how his first ex wife once showed up at his house while Andrea was there and Andrea had to escape through the garage and the first ex scared the ever loving shit out of her because Andrea knew that she used to beat up on Ellis and not treat him so nice. Will told a story about how his ex called the cops on him for driving her car that they had shared, because, obviously she was a cunt. They took a couple of calls from guys with some extraordinarily crazy exes who beat them with spatula’s and kitchenware, got them arrested and labeled as felons, fired flare guns into their bedrooms and burned their houses down, and…guys…come on…was the sex really that good?!?!?!?!? They all say that the sex was phenomenal and totally worth it…and I’m just like…bitches be out of control. Never let a crazy girl know where you live!!! Seriously…i mean…unless they’re the me kind of crazy. I am the perfect kind of crazy because I went through years of cognitive behavioral therapy and therefore know how to reign in my crazy, but I’m still fucking awesome in bed. Boom. There weren’t really any final calls because it was all of a sudden time to go, so Ellis threw the mic to HotDog and HotDog invited us all to listen in again tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel.

Seriously…crazy girl sex is not worth having your house burned down.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/19/14

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I just renewed my truck insurance and health insurance and god damn if it didn’t feel like a barbed stone cock just got aggressively forced into my rectum. I mean, I’m going to the land of free health care and I doubt a California minimum policy from GEICO is gonna cover me in another country. Somebody bring me that fucking British gecko, I got some god damn questions I need answered. That pig ain’t gonna be no help, but if you wanna chop him up and make me a BLT you can hunt him down too. And whatever animal’s paw print they used for the Kaiser Permanente logo, BRING ME ALL THE MASCOTS!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH YOUR CORPORATE POLICIES AND YOUR ANIMAL REPRESENTATIVES SHOULD BE TRAINED TO HELP ME!!! While I wait for a veritable Noah’s menagerie of fortune 500 figureheads, I figure now would be a good time to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a mighty thunderous fart (from me) and some talk of bugs eating poo inside the human body and how next time that happens, Tully is fully allowed to take the reigns. Jason went to the doctor yesterday because he’s had a rumbly in his tumbly for a while now and he’s old enough to know that tempting fate is a luxury reserved for the young and stupid. Luckily though, the symptoms haven’t included diarrhea so it was no problem over the weekend at the UTV race. So, the doctor gave Ellis some stuff to clean himself out, but if it doesn’t work, he’s gonna have to do like Cumtard did that one time and shit in a plastic cowboy hat and have the scientists analyze it. Tully has had to shop for a new doctor cause Dr. Creepy won’t take his phone calls anymore, strangely enough, starting the day after they started calling him Dr. Creepy on the air, but he has a few things saved up to get poked and fingered and swabbed in the near future. Jude came in to hang out with the guys in his “gave up on life” look, which includes swim trunks and a plain t-shirt over some boat shoes. Jason went on the Jesse Ventura podcast and couldn’t help but call out the guy with the minigun in “Predator” on not knowing that pro wrestling is a lot less work than a legitimate sport like MMA or Playstation 3. Jude and Jason are both on a “fuck the world” kick right now cause really, a guy was able to raise $20,000 to make fucking potato salad on KickStarter, so what the fuck should I be amped about? The guys talked McDonalds for a bit cause they know they all have a particular menu item they routinely get, and it speaks volumes about a persons status in the world of pedophilia. Tully saw a video of a guy smoking McDonald’s french fries, and this quickly turned to drafting Jetta to toke up on some potato and wood pulp goodness. Jason told Jude about his experience racing this weekend and how he was kicking way more ass than normal and that’s always a nice feeling in your guts, not like bugs eating your poo. Jude told the guys he can’t even drive a stickshift, which makes sense cause American cars are huge in Detroit and they’re notorious for not making a manual transmission version of just about anything. Jude went antiquing at the flea market this weekend, which is far less gangster than off road mini truck racing, but he WAS fucked up on muscle relaxers, and he’s an amazingly white mother fucker, so it actually kinda worked. The guys talked about how cleaning when you’re high is usually not a good sign, even though your apartment is gonna be fucking SPOTLESS!!! Somehow, the story of Jude buying some crystal liquor glasses turned into a lesson about the Freemasons and how a collection of old rich Christians have put a magical Jew into power over everything. Luckily though, Zach Galifinakis has nothing to do with them, so when Hangover 6 comes out, it’s still OK to watch it without feeling like a traitor to free thought or anything like that. Ellis got caught saying “bullshit” in front of his kids this weekend, but Jude was able to calm him down by letting him know that the more you cuss in front of your children, the more they’ll rebel against you and turn into upstanding young citizens. Jason also went to El Compadres for dinner with the kids and somebody was using foul language really loud and as Jason was leaving he got a text from Blasko saying it was his friends and that they’re sorry for tainting the youth and will wait until they’re in junior high and developing their own personalities before they take that honor. The guys talked parenting for a while cause they’re all dad’s except for Jude who’s a fuckin’ Champiooooooonnnnnn but still sees his daughter. Tully’s kid is gonna be a track star someday and Tiger Ellis is gonna be wrecking shit at the dirt bike track like Return Of The Yard Sale: Electric Boogaloo. But that shit doesn’t matter so much cause Jude’s book Hyena is dropping on the 23rd and if you got the first sun, there’s gonna be more of it in the new version and if you didn’t get it on the first run, you can suck a dick, then learn to read and go buy it! And if you have a huge clit, Jude will not turn you away. Just don’t be a massive cunt. Some people called in to talk about cursing in front of your kids and whether or not it’ll make your kids shitty or if it’s really kind of a moot point. I for one, have noticed that kids are idiots, and idiots latch onto things really easily, so if you think it’s something an idiot shouldn’t be trusted to do safely and correctly, keep it the fuck away from them. Jude had to step out to do his regular gig, but he did let us know that next Monday, we’re gonna hear Tully on the Foreally show! Which is fucking awesome for all of us who love some Foreally, like me, and a bunch of other people who work here. And remember folks, vomiting stops people from rioting, so if you’re shopping for home defense accessories, an industrial drum of ipecac and a bunch of Super Soakers is a great idea.

 

MOTO NEWS WITH A BIG FAT DICK FO YA MOTHAFUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! In the 450’s at Indiana this weekend, it was muddy and there was racing and Ryan Dungey got cock-blocked like a priest at an all boys military school. I mean, Josh Grant for fuck’s sake. Josh Grant. Like many times when I have no idea what I’m talking about and just feel like being a dick, I’m sure Dungey is feeling the pain without any help from the public and will try harder next time. Now, I didn’t watch any of it, but the guys talked moto for a while longer and sounded like they knew what they were talking about better than I would. Jason would be enjoying moto some more on his own time if it weren’t for the fact that he had to give his bike back to Suzuki, and also he has a turd brewing that would suffocate a moose. There was some MMA talk which I also only vaguely paid attention to, but it sounds like it was good watching for the weekend. Tully has found himself more racist against the English than he used to be, mostly because of Jason Ellis and the UFC. There was talk of how Josh Koscheck is an announcer now because when you get punched and kicked in the head that severely for that amount of time, it’s a shitty move to lay somebody off. Tully suggested that Affliction should do an endorsement deal where they find people with out of date looks and give them makeovers with new Affliction gear, AND AT THE SAME TIME redesign Affliction gear to not look so shitty. But hey, none of that’s important cause WOMEN!!! AM I RIGHT?!?!?! A guy in Oklahoma is in the process of divorcing his wife and since he’s worth a few billion dollars, the courts are trying to figure out if he earned it legit or if he did some crooked shit, and that’s important cause his future ex-cunt is trying to get half of it. That’s right, half of 17 billion fucking dollars. Another lady in New Mexico was living with another lady and was dating that lady’s brother, and the siblings found out that the first lady was having sex with their dog on a regular basis. Now, after she admitted it, the brother broke up with her, and one night they were all having dinner together (cause the spirit of forgiveness is pretty similar to idiocy in some particular cases) and the brother and sister noticed that the water they were drinking with their meal had…sort of a tint to it, but didn’t stop drinking it, and had a funny taste, but didn’t stop drinking it, and it was only after dog fucker kept encouraging them to eat that it started to seem like a murder plot, WHICH IT WAS! Cause  dog fucker put rubbing alcohol in their water and toilet cleaner in the food cause HOW DARE YOU BREAK UP WITH DOG FUCKER?!?!??! DOG FUCKER BREAKS UP WITH YOU!!! A CNN reporter was at the US embassy in Baghdad and got picked up for being drunk and disorderly and apologized for telling emergency workers “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?!?!” while attempting to bite paramedics who (in a fit of reverse Darwinism) were trying to keep this lady from wandering into traffic or being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. A lady in Albany, New York stole a python from a local pet store, slung it around her neck like a scarf, and drove her prius into the side of a fire station cause apparently the subway doesn’t run anywhere that a person might actually want to go around there. A woman in Scotland went to the doctor cause she was losing weight and couldn’t stop shitting herself, and the doctor found a ten year old sex toy stuck in her vag. Hey, at least it wasn’t a toilet baby, am I right? A chick in Eerie, Pennsylvania was trying to rescue a cat from a tree, and ended up getting stuck there herself because some people don’t understand that nature will fucking handle itself and when that cat wants to come down it will, it doesn’t need your moronic attempts at help in which you do yourself more harm in the process. And finally, a woman in Indiana was driving home after eating a burger and got a message from god that she should let go of the wheel (which makes me think that’s a tasty fucking burger) and the second she let go of the wheel she rear ended a guy on a Harley and the bitch kept rolling like she didn’t just fire a guy across three lanes of traffic and narrowly missed running over his head, but took a nice digger over the guy’s midsection. And to make matters worse, she stuck to the story after the cops showed up. A guy who was stationed in Baghdad with that CNN lady said that she’s always been fucking nuts, but then again she’s also been reporting live from Baghdad for about a decade. The guys took a break cause that much estrogen can make anybody need a snack, and I need to take a piss.

 

Let’s all wish Everlast a happy birthday, belated as it might be, cause he’s a good dude and it’s nice to be appreciated. You should also donate to cystic fibrosis research cause that would be a huge help to him and his daughter. After that though, you should get the cock off your chest, cause Brock Lesnar is now in the WWE and that’s a lot of cock to get off of a person’s chest. To start things off, Tully found a story about a 50-something year old Scottish guy who died with a vibrator in his ass cause he got it stuck and decided not to go to the hospital for five days, because today’s cock off you chest should hopefully be a sexual one. Any of your dark, weird fetish shit that your mother would disown you for, that’s what Tully wants to hear about. WILSON had to do 8 hours of community service and pay a $600 fine for littering (sexy littering). One caller said he pisses in the sink on a really regular basis, and not just at his own house. Next caller let the guys know that when he was in high school, his dad married a fine ass younger lady and one night while him and the stepmom were sitting around the house drinking, one thing led to another and they ended up fucking BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE, the son didn’t do a great job disposing of evidence, so even though the stepmom didn’t sell him out the dad still thought she was cheating with somebody and divorced her ass. Next we heard from a guy who was having group sex with another couple and felt a little stubble around his dick during a blowjob and when he hit the lights it was his buddy going down on him, not one of the ladies. After that we heard from a guy who also accidentally got blown by a dude at a porn shop jerk off booth when he stuck his dick through the glory hole and now he’s become kind of a regular patron of the glory holes. After that we heard from a lady who broke up with her boyfriend and started banging his best friend while she was on her period (LAAAAAAAMMEEE I’ve done that, it’s called being in your early twenties). Next we got a call from a guy who would routinely jerk off or blow his friend in his sleep, to completion. It gets weirder though, cause apparently the friend is as queer as a three dollar bill, but only in his sleep cause at times he would reciprocate, in his sleep. Next caller let his friend stroke him to completion when he was pretty young because his friend convinced him they had to do it as practice for when they start having to worry about girls. Next guy who called went out partying one night with some friends and his sister and after getting blackout drunk and not knowing what happened, he woke up naked, next to his sister. Yep, his sister. Next caller was a guy who had sex with his friend’s bride to be on a pretty regular basis and she knows all the same people and it’s a whole family thing and game of telephone bullshit. After that was a guy who was in a dispute with his girlfriend in the process of breaking up with her, and he had to break into her mom’s house to steal his dog back. Next was a guy who routinely hocks loogies in his boss’ slurpees and wipes his ass sweat in the dude’s respirator filter. After that was a dude who had a terrible phone connection but was able to let Hot Dog the call screener know that he illegally buried tons of fracking chemicals. Next was a guy who was fucking his girlfriend and his dog started licking his balls AND HE SWEARS IT’S A TRUE STORY but he doesn’t want to tell his girlfriend cause he kinda enjoyed it and didn’t try to stop the whole thing. Next we heard from a guy who was dating a virgin who didn’t want to fuck until marriage so he banged her best friend on her birthday. Then there was a dude who got his beer stolen in the high school locker room so he pissed in the dude’s shampoo. After that we heard from a bartender who banged a married lady who was going through a divorce and might have made a baby with her but he can’t be sure cause he doesn’t remember if he shot a load or not. Finally, we heard from a fellow who kept his old phone in his bathroom for playing sudoku on the john, but also had it set up as a motion detector camera so that he can record his wife fiddling the bean when she takes a bath. Voyeurism!!! The guys invited WILSON back in to give more details on his littering arrest, cause that shit is the kind of thing that only happens to black people in the 1950’s, and definitely not a white guy in a progressive state like ours in this day and age. The guys discussed for a while whether secretly filming your partner in their most self-intimate moments is a bad thing, and basically as long as it’s someone really close to you it shouldn’t be a big deal, but definitely not OK to do to your buddies or your sister. Shitting would be less of a problem to film than masturbating, so that opens up your options a bit, but still, just be sure you and whoever you’re filming are open and honest about your logs. So, back to Pendarvis getting racially profiled by a shitty cop, the reason he got a ticket for littering was because he tore up a receipt in a fit of modern day paranoia and somehow that enormously pissed off the cop that saw him doing it so he got a fine and community service for being an unreasonably nervous citizen of the digital age. And in a live performance that was probably missed by everyone, Wilson Pendarvis the Third was cleaning up trash on the sidewalks of Hollywood all day on Saturday. The guys tried to find some angle where this ticket actually makes sense not to resist, but given the way police have been acting lately, I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to poke the bear without a well appointed “us taxpayers won’t be taking your bullshit” type mob backing me up, which is hard to find cause the kind of people who would fight cops in the street usually aren’t taxpayers. There was more talk of how this particular cop is probably just pissed cause shit isn’t working out like all those action movies he’s been indoctrinated with and he’s THIS FUCKING CLOSE to being suspended for numerous citizen complaints, so he was probably just being a dick because the universe keeps kicking him in the balls and he unwittingly invites it by acting like an asshole. A lawyer called in to tell Pendarvis that he’s a bitch for not tacking that ticket and bitch slapping the officer with it, because it really is the most frivolous and pointless waste of public funds to continue employing that fucktard and it should be made as clear and public as possible. Another cop called in to tell him that he only got the ticket for having a shitty faux-hawk and googly eyes. Cumtard stepped in to tell the guys that when he got his jaywalking tickets he went to court on one of them and he got it thrown out cause even the cops know that some shit is too petty to bother showing up to court for and all they’re hoping is that you’re a bitch who won’t bother knowing your rights and making it a drain on others for cops to be idiots and not solve real crimes. Hot Dog never has to deal with the cops cause he’s too doughy and lovable, so it’s hard to consider him a menace to anything for jaywalking or tossing a cigarette butt. A male nurse in Croatia has been collecting the cocks of the dead for quite a while now, and was finally sussed out by the cops and is gonna have to… do something about it, cause postmortem castration is a shitty thing to do. Cumtard insisted that he’s heard of this happening here in the developed world but he can’t find a YouTube link so the jury is still out on it. The guys took some final calls as they’re known to do, and it was friendly and not fucking stupid, as they’re known to be. Oxycottin John called in too, and he’s doing good, so shout the mother fuck out. And now, I have to get back to my real job, insulting telemarketers until they kill themselves and wrangling cats.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/12/14

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CLERICAL WORK ALL DAY BITCHES!!! FUCKIN’ FILING AND COLLATING AND SERVICE REMINDERS AND ALL THAT CRISPY OFFICE SHIT WE MOTHAFUCKAS DO BEEYOTCH!!! It’s a good way to look back through the year and find out how many typos I made though, so it’s not all bad. Luckily, the most awesome background noise ever exists and it’s the Jason Ellis show! Today kicked off with Ellis reminding us that his balls are still SMMOOOOOOOOOOOTH as eggs, despite the mileage on them. As we in the auto industry have known for years, proper maintenance is key to getting the most out of your investment. It’s good to keep track of how your boner reacts to different stimuli, cause diet and exercise can affect so many different parts of how your body functions. He’s also dreading the day that he walks out of his bedroom in his pajamas and has to explain to Linsanity what an erection is. Jason was washing Devin’s hair the other day and his incredibly bald penis was noticed and traumatizing. Jude was still glad that Jason got the wax though, cause it was his idea. The guys talked for a while about murkins and the history and popularity of fake pubes. Jason and Jude chatted for a bit about the contract negotiations and how Jason is flying to New York tonight to talk to the big guns tomorrow about it. The guys discussed the new show “How Big is your Dick” with Dingo, and how there may not be much substance to it, but you can really separate the wheat from the chaff. They also recapped their own experiences with their own penises while I sat at my desk, angrily fellating a burrito, questioning the ebb and flow of everything that happens in the world. The guys put out an open call to the ladies who listen to the show to ask what they talk about with their friends in terms of swallowing a cock or if the guy they’re with can’t make them cum, but that didn’t really pan out as much as they probably were hoping, but a male ER nurse called in and apparently all the ladies in triage are some grimy bitches and will sell out any mother fucker they meet, just cause they can. The guys got wind of an ice cream social happening in the lobby of the building where their studio is, and Jude was planning to head down there to try and pull down some strange wool cause it’s never a bad time when that happens. Also, it’s the Sirius/XM company barbecue today, which seems really impractical to try and do in a downtown LA high rise office building, but apparently it’s a thing and everybody in the green room is putting back ribs like pork was about to go out of business. Jason saw the new movie “Lucy” and it was a tremendous pile of shit, but Morgan Freeman was electrifying as always and Scarlet Johanssen is a treat to watch prancing around in tight clothing, so definitely worth bootlegging. Jude told a story about one time when he was fucked up on ketamine watching a documentary about prostitutes and all of a sudden started hallucinating that his mom was a whore and he had a half-black brother, but luckily it was just the drugs talking. This got the guys to talking about those poor souls who attempted/seriously considered aborting their kids and at some point they start saying stuff like “I love you” and then things get weird. They also talked about exit strategy for a cheating relationship and how if you start fucking someone else, the smart thing to do is actually lie about it and break up with them for a totally bullshit reason just so you’re not fucking up their life cause you’ve got problems being monogamous. One guy called in to talk about his parents confessing to their entire church they planned to abort him, with him there, when he was like 13, cause they’re the best parents ever, if you’re into that sort of mind fucking. Jude has plans to give a guy a ride for drugs tonight cause sometimes your dealer doesn’t want to meet you at the train station, especially to move a lot of weight. Jason was on Dr. Drew On Call last night and talking about Robin Williams and the whole War Machine/Christy Mack thing and shit got intense cause the corpse hasn’t had a chance to cool and the authorities haven’t picked up War Machine to sort his internal organs out. And of course, Jenna Jameson had to step in to give her two cents on porn stars getting beat up by MMA fighters, and in her own inebriated haze she didn’t make much of a point other than that her 15 minutes are over. She also made it a point to sort of silently call out Tito Ortiz to try and get him hemmed up for some shit he had nothing to do with. Luckily though, she was so obviously perkin’ on some kind of shit that her bovine feces was completely transparent, like a pane of immaculately clean glass. The guys took a break so that Jude could get to his day job and the Jason and Tully could go get some barbecue before it ran out and forced them to roast Hot Dog over a burning garbage can.

 

To bring back talk about Robin Williams’ death for a minute and how much humanity needs a culling of the herd, in honor of Shark Week, a fuck ton of restaurants are claiming to add shark to their menu, cause sharks!!! Fuck you, it does have plenty to do with Robin Williams because he wanted to give us all a little bit of magic, despite the fact that he clearly saw all the shit wrong with us and the world we’ve made for ourselves. In other news, Jason brought back the Imperial Death March when WILSON walked in to talk to him about his plans for the next day or two. It’s probably gonna be a best of tomorrow, cause The Wing has a fucking busy day of showing up at 5 in the morning and generally threatening the management to honor their original deal or their suffering will be legendary, even in hell. Tully suggested trying to recreate the Anthony Cumia firing debacle just to see if he could spin it into something hilarious. The guys discussed with WILSON how Jason could manage his time effectively to do the meeting, and a 2 1/2 hour show and have a nap and make it to the airport in time to get back home, but it all sounds like heavy weather, New York traffic, LA traffic, and the world famous New York subway C.H.U.D’s are gonna be doing their best to keep it from going smoothly. Oxycottin John called in to remind Ellis that he could just do the meeting and take the rest of the day off to go do something fun, like go to a dungeon, or eat at Hooter’s. Seems like Ellis is gonna sort out all of that completely on the fly and we’ll find out tomorrow whether he does a short show or cruises alphabet city for a place to pour candle wax on somebody. The guys took a few suggestions from the callers and there were some half decent ones right up until some guy suggested dinner and a trip to the sex museum. Hot Dog suggested that Ellis ask Dingo to fly out and have lunch with him and Diddy after the meeting, except that he may have been stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and have no concept of what Dingo is actually doing or if he can get ahold of Diddy that easily. One caller suggested a Wolfknife meeting, but it’s a little too up in the air to plan anything on that short of notice. Tully watched Sharknado 2 and gave his recap of it, cause it’s Shark Week, and as terrible as it sounds, I still have no interest in sacrificing an hour and a half of my life to see it, but if you’re looking for a masterpiece of nonsense on film, I highly recommend Manos: The Hands Of Fate. A friend of mine showed it to me and it is quite possibly the worst movie ever made and that’s what makes it awesome. The guys took a break to polish off the Tard seat cause Kevin has another treat cooked up for everybody.

 

In Coonan MacGrubee news, Jason knows a lady who thinks she’s having sex with him but doesn’t have a DNA sample to prove it, but he also seems to be getting a big head over his newfound popularity in the UFC, based on some comments he made at a press conference recently. Then again, a bunch of people who never heard of him think he’s the shit right now, so it’s understandable that he might be feeling like his dick is way bigger than what he normally believes it to be. Hopefully, all the super Irish smack talk won’t turn into a recreation of my performance at EllisMania 8, but only pay-per-view will tell. There was some more talk about UFC stuff and Jason got cold feet about going to New York cause of the shitty weather reports and not having anything to do in the afternoon there, but his spirits were lifted when Cumtard came in to reprise his trademark musical segment, Tard That Tune!!! The tracks Kevin covered this time around were as follows:

1. Rage Against The Machine – Down Rodeo

2. Something I never heard and they didn’t say the name but it sounded like shit so I don’t care.

3. Owner Of A Lonely Heart by whoever the hell wrote that pile of shit.

4. Sugar Ray – Every Morning

5. Guns N Roses – Welcome To The Jungle (the audio of which was used to leave offensive messages on several people’s voicemail, and then was used to make a button)

6. Something else that I couldn’t identify and they didn’t say the name of

7. War – Cisco Kid

8. Sir-Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back

9. Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

10. Led Zeppelin – Black Dog

11. Katy Perry – Dark Horse

12. And finally, that one 80’s song with the saxophone solo that refuses to die that I learned today was called Baker Street.

Upon finishing this segment, the guys found out that there’s a lot of songs that Kevin tries and don’t make the cut, so they told him to crawl his ass in the dumpster and fish them out cause that shit has to be amazing. After that, the guys took a break to polish the Tard chair because the Tard sat in it and that’s always a good reason to clean off the furniture.

 

The guys came back from break to talk about all the hot meat and nuts they were shoving in their mouths while the music was playing, and for Jason to take a fat rail of caffeine off the fizzy head of a can of Monster. Then they talked dinosaurs and shit for a while and how wooly mammoths were probably the only animals that can pull of the whole “tusk” look. There was talk of Pompeii and how everybody probably died ther not from hot lava, but from the most destructive planetary fart ever which released a blast of 600 degree terraforming fury all over those ancient simpletons. Last time Tully was in Japan, he rode a train through Hiroshima and so the guys talked about the A-bomb for a while and how as soon as meth cooks figure out the formula, the South is fucked. In a vain effort to drum up more Canadian listeners, the guys put out a call to Canadians to see if they could find a person from each province to see if they could guess the highest ranked Google search terms. While they were waiting for Canadians to invent the telephone, Tully played a PSA from 1980’s Canada starring an alien named “Ass-Star” reminding everybody that “Only smoking can prevent bleach-drinking children from raping strangers in a forest fire” cause apparently that was a real problem back then and it needed to be drilled into their heads that it was a real situation that the public needed to get under control. The first Canadian, an Albertan, got on the phone to guess some of the most searched terms and he got oil fields/pipelines and then the string that connected the two soup cans broke and reception was lost. Another guy from Nova Scotia guessed where to find a job, but he was wrong because murder, assassination and torture are all really big there in the Scosh right now. Next we got a guy from Saskatchewan who guessed that people on the internet are way int the Sask Rough Riders, but he was wrong because Saskatoonies are still way into NNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCKELBBBBBAAAACCCCKKKKK, green poop, ice fishing, dubstep, bestiality, fisting and beavers (hopefully none of them in conjunction with each other cause that makes me not want to go to Canada anymore). A lady from British Colombia guessed that her fellow BC residents are constantly Googling weed cause it’s so common and it wasn’t cause stoners aren’t that proactive about anything, but they love MDMA, booze, gin, MDMA (again), hangover cures, breat reduction, feces and dominatrixes. A guy from Ontario where I’m headed guessed that the most common searches were election and bilingualism, and was pretty close cause conservative/liberal party and Steve Harper (their village shaman) were top searches, along with Drake, Justin Bieber, the word “hoser”, escort service, black jokes, “how to murder”, Ashley Madison, Asian Jokes, and autopsy photos. A dude from Quebec called in to act French and better than everybody even though the Canadians hate the French as well, and he guessed that people are searching for Ashley Madison, but it seems to be a localized thing in Ontario cause in Quebec people are looking for answers about masturbation, deep web (whatever the fuck that is), Limp Bizkit, golden shower, the mafia and of course poutine (you had to know that was going to be there). Another guy in New Brunswick thought that his fellow citizens were looking for info on abortions or police shootings, but the most common questions were about crossfit, maple syrup, deep throating, lesbian porn, amateur porn, and theft. A fellow from Manitoba guessed that people were looking to learn about Slurpees and murder, and he was wrong cause people there are looking for more to know about Rick Mercer (some dude who’s maybe a comedian or something), falafel, twerking, skateboarding, graffiti, rough sex, Stan (just the word Stan for no legitimate reason), overdose, poison and sniper. A guy from Newfoundland called in to guess that his neighbors were Googling boats but then he got into the local vernacular and shit got real weird so Tully just told us that Newfies are looking up hunting, anal sex, cocaine, vodka, hairy and BBW (combined, being the most common search items) and constipation. Nobody called from Prince Edward Island but they’re all checking to hear more about weed, penis, vagina, russia, depression, diarrhea, Shania Twain and being drunk. After a quick breather, the guys did some final calls and watched the video of a guy doing a burnout in a modified gas powered golf cart, and Jason talked about wanting to have a female boss that he could seduce for a raise. Ellis keeps throwing out the ideea of an everyday, high quality wear-about wig just for fucking with people or whatever and I can’t help but think of him going for the same thing from the Apple Juice music video thinking everybody else was liking it despit how obvious it would be that something is very VERY off in his appearance. There were some more suggestions about what Jason should do while he’s in New York and dirt racing and getting a rub and tug after an important business meeting and how Tim Silvia should hunt down that War Machine asshole, cause really, anybody but Dogg the Bounty Hunter, for the sake of the rest of us. One guy called to ask about hepatitis B like they would know about it, but the guys made it abundantly clear that if they were medical professionals, they probably wouldn’t have a dick and fart afternoon radio show.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/11/2014

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eminem-is-afraid

Dingo’s man crush Monday.

It’s Monday, which means it’s Dingo Monday after Voda Spay Monday, even though he didn’t Voda today, only Ellis. Dingo’s apartment downtown is kind of party central. One of Diddy’s son’s is looking to possibly use that same apartment building for some kind of release party. As cool as his apartment complex is, they don’t cater – but it’s all good because this is 2014 and there’s an app for that. Dingo loves Eminem and he got to see him live on Friday night, thanks to Rihanna’s manager. Eminem walks like a god right past Dingo, we’re talking like 10 feet from him. A joint manages to get passed around through some heavy hitters in the VIP area. Who gets caught with it, Dingo. He was told to throw it out immediately, but he did the pretend through and left it under his foot. A few minutes goes by and he tries to retrieve the doobage but can’t see very well. Suddenly a flashlight shines to help him see, he picks it up and goes to hand it to whoever helped out by providing the flashlight. BAM, it’s the same cop that busted him the first time and gets a verbal scolding and a stiff warning and that’s the end of the story. Ellis had an Uber driver pick him up & he said something about Armenians. Turns out the driver was Armenian, so Jason called his Armenian friend from Australia and they ended up bro’ing down by the end of it and hugged it out on the street. Ellis also saw Gabe Ruediger over the weekend and Gabe finally came clean about punching a fan (Nipplopolis’ husband) at the bar after EllisMania 9. Ellis also went to a sex dungeon this weekend, with Katie and her girlfriend. He got paddled and quickly realized he didn’t want to be that guy, he wants to be the guy holding the paddle. It’s cool, Dingo doesn’t find him any less attractive for him wanting to be the dungeon master. Did you know that sharks loose 300,000+ teeth in a lifetime? I don’t know if that’s completely accurate or not, it’s from Ellis.

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I want to booooooone you, esé!

Police are looking for Jonathan Koppenhaver (War Machine) for allegedly beating the shit out of his porn star girlfriend, Christy Mack. Kailin Curran is in the studio, she’s a female MMA fighter who likes to make other women bleed. I mean bleed more than they normally do. As part of her training for her upcoming fight, she kicked Cumtard in the flabs (aka abs) and doubled him over straight away with a 10% kick. One can only imagine the white donut powder that could have expelled from his pores after that kick. Then it was time for Jetta’s turn to get a kick to his stomach to help blow up her Instagram, but with a twist. She did a double leg kick, first to Cumtard again and then a special delivery to care package to Jetta. So Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier were on SportsCenter and hot mics caught them shit talking one another between breaks. Did you know Pitbull has a channel on SXM now? Dingo does, because he knows him pretty well. Pitbull played at Dingo’s birthday party before he really blew up, back when he was just Muttbull. Remember little Tyler Posey? He hosted some awards show or some shit and J-Lo was there. Kellen Lutz is also Dingo’s friend, he was there at the awards show and also went to the Eminem show with Ding. I’m bored, let’s move on.

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But seriously folks, can’t we all just get along?

Ellis will be on Dr. Drew’s HLN show today, I think. He’s supposed to talk about War Machine on the show, so he’ll do just that – god damn it! Or maybe he’ll wear a Sherlock Holmes hat and a monocle and provide alternate theories on what actually went down between War Machine, his porn star girlfriend, and another man. DUN-DUN-DUUUUUNNN!!! Tim Silvia is texting with updates to the story and then sent a photo of War Machine’s dick. During dick pic updates, Christy Mack posted graphic photos and her side of the story, on Twitter. Crazy shit man, crazy. Wilson chimed in that maybe Ellis’ angle on the story is that he himself was in an abusive relationship when his then girlfriend would beat the shit out of him for smoking weed and whatnot. Speaking of offensive, body odor man. You gotta keep that shit in check, you can’t just going around dropping your body odor bombs all over normal people. Same goes for you men and women wearing way too much or way too strong cologne or perfume. Get your shit together people, it’s not rocket science. If you walk past people and all them sneeze & start crying, you might be the smelly one. Dr. Drew wants a cock shot selfie of Ellis along with a sexy bio. For the website I mean, maybe Drew will print it & keep it his wallet too, but he wants it under the guise of needing it for the website, so… I guess TMZ will let us know he starts whackin’ it to the selfie. On a less domestic violencey note, Ellis will be leaving tomorrow evening to go to New York to fight for his right to have more control of Faction.

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Domestic violence, death, and a suicide? Damn Monday, you really kicked ass today.

Moto News time, Ryan Dungey is going to take the series. He’s not currently leading the standings, but he’s got the skills to shit on everyone and take the outdoor series. Did you know Nate Hotdog is a reformed cigarette smoker? Also, why is Wilson still disappearing downstairs to the designated smoking section? The guys watched a bunch of videos of portly mothers getting into verbal altercations with kids at skate ramps and such. Just hit YouTube and you’ll run across a ton of those, it’s every other video. Hey, Chael Sonnen competed in some BJJ Metamoris 4 event in LA over the weekend, despite being fired and warned by the athletic commission he could be fined $250,000 smack-a-roo’s. He tapped. Randy Couture and Frank Shamrock have a new reality show called “Gym Rescue” that will compete with the myriad of other “Rescue” shows all over the fucking TV. Sweet Jesus, when will these shows end? Oh, that’s right, never. Because America’s appetite for pure turd television is insatiable. Shark Week is on again. You’ll be amazed to know that you’ll see: sharks swimming, sharks eating, sharks outside of cages, sharks in cages, sharks jumping out of the water, sharks going to the shark dentist, sharks being tagged, sharks on sharks, sharks getting rescued, and sharks rescuing shitty animals from their mundane lives by eating them alive. A-fucking-mazing shark stuff, am I right? In non-shark related news, Tony Stewart accidentally ran over and killed a fool who got out of his vehicle on the track to run over and flap his arms at Tony for racing. While you’re on YouTube looking at women berating children on skateboards, you’ll no doubt run into Tony Stewart in his death cart running over a dude. Also, Robin Williams died of an apparent suicide. Happy fucking Monday!