Hey, you know that whole title that says this is the show recap?!?! Haha..fooled you!!!!

Seriously, though, I woke up this morning with every intention of listening to the show today and recapping as fabulously as I always sincerely try to. I started up my SiriusXM app about an hour before the show and it was like, ‘uh, no, fuck you’ and after trying everything that I could think of, it would still not work. So I put out the SOS to the other extremely wonderful people that write for this site and they offered some suggestions and made me laugh and I stopped worrying and had a plan in place for what I was going to do if my app did not decide to start working.

And then shit got real. How real? How about I literally almost died. I am completely serious. I feel like when I first posted about it on Instagram people were all ‘lol that sucks’ and it’s probably my fault since I’m not a dramatic person, and also I only got one picture of the whole thing at a bad angle after it was all pretty much over, so it sort of just looked like a popped radiator hose. But no…I legit had to bail out of an exploding truck. I don’t know how many of you out there are familiar with diesel engines or diesel trucks…but they do this thing when the oil get sucked into the engine and burnt as fuel and the engine keeps running no matter what you do to it…and yeah. That happened. Thank goodness it happened while we were pulled over in a parking lot because the truck had been really jerky and we were passing a strip mall with a NAPA in it. It was low on oil, cause, you know, that’s what the engine had been burning to keep going, so Joe got some oil to put in it. Put the oil in, I turn the truck on, and fucking boom motherfucker. The engine started screaming…holy fucknuts it was the loudest sound ever. Full rev plus. And Joe starts yelling for me to stop revving it and I tell him “My foot is on the brake!”

“What? Turn the truck off!!”

I turn the truck off. It gets worse. Louder, screechier, and smoke starts pouring out everywhere. I have the key in my motherfucking hand and the truck is still running out of control. So he starts yelling at me to get out of the truck but I literally could not move a muscle. Panicked. Because apparently my fight or flight response is stuck in the ‘stay and motherfucking die’ position. Smoke is pouring out of the engine and the exhaust and suddenly Joe is pulling on me, half tugging me out of the open window because I can’t move. I snapped out of it, opened the door and he pushed me into the auto store in front of him. Now..in the parking lot of this strip mall is a truck spewing smoke out of the engine and the exhaust and there is nothing that we can do about it. The smoke was so bad that you couldn’t see. Anything. We’re about three feet from the truck and the other cars in the parking lot and it’s a brick wall of smoke. Gone. At that point, Joe goes back outside and is yelling telling anyone in earshot (that we aren’t sure are even there) to get away from the truck because the guys in the auto store told us that it’s either going to fully catch fire and explode or the engine is going to seize. Fun fact. This is an HVAC truck filled with about 10 pressurized tanks of various highly flammable substances. So if the fire spread and the shit hit the fan for realsies…it was going to be a goddamn massacre. We set off the indoor fire alarms of the deli in the strip mall. There were then some very loud popping sounds and it stopped. The engine seized. The engine flames and smoke died out quickly thereafter and we didn’t kill a parking lot full of people.

I was shaking so hard I couldn’t speak and Joe called the boss. That was a fun interaction, but Joe/Bossman interactions are always that way. The police/fire people came, we talked to them, the owner of the deli got us some waters, and the rest of the afternoon was filled with tow trucks, me and Joe making each other laugh, and saying, “thank fucking god that didn’t happen while we were driving”. But the thing is, it started while we were driving. About 3 minutes before i pulled into the parking lot I was slowing down for a turn when the engine revved. Again, foot not on the accelerator, on the brake, and the engine was like ‘bbbbbbrrrrrrraaahhhhh’.

And then we were asked to go back to work. After the tow truck guy asked if I wanted to work for him cause he could use a girl like me. I did not listen to Ellis. I did not stalk out people’s twitter accounts for info on what was happening or happened and create a fanfiction to fill in the blanks. I didn’t, and I am sorry about that, because I know that’s basically my whole job and you’re prolly bummed out. I really could have used Ellis today, and I’m sure Joe could have used him too. I’m still freaked out. We got home, hugged the baby, and ate dinner that was enormously delicious because we’re both rattled. It was bad. I’m glad that I have Joe, who is cooler than any cucumber than I have ever encountered. Motherfucker should have been a firefighter. The entire time he didn’t even seem phased by what was going on. The only reason he even yelled about the revving at first and for me to get out of the truck was because he had to yell to be heard over the noise. But he did admit that he was scared to death. He was scared that Biz was gonna die (that’s me, btw, I’m his Bizzle Sticks), he was scared that other people were going to die, and he was scared that he had no idea what was going on. For Joe to say that he was scared is an amazing thing, and that in and of itself is a testament to how fucking brutal this afternoon was.

Again, I’m sorry that this was not the recap you were looking for. But, hey, look on the bright side…I didn’t die, which means that I will be back to properly recap for you again next week!! Also, if anyone is really all that bummed out about this epic fail of a recap, I was told that all inquiries can be directed to Joe on twitter @JoeyHoops. He has all the best pics of my boobs (you’ll never get vag, he says that’s all his).

Love you guys!!! Sorry!!

PS…I know I was wondering on here about Hotdog The Intern’s IG, and he found me!!! he’s hotdog_theintern and his instagram account is hotdog_theintern and it made me fall a little bit in love with how adorable he is! Check it out!!