TJES Raw Intros – Pre-Jingleberries Magic

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It was decided the show needed some new, fresh intros today and so they did just that. These are the raw recordings before Cullen & Cechnicki work their magic, and are here more for posterity sakes. Jetta isn’t even sure what’s going on, Cumtard almost throws up between “there’s a chance you’ll hear me”, Christian exposes his utter disdain, Tully busts out a poem, and Hotdog drops one of his iconic lines with such conviction that it shook Ellis to the core. Give it a listen.

Callher Hates Pendarvis

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Laurie calls to explain her tweets to Ellis about why she hates Will. Not in that “why do you hate Tully so much?” kinda way either. Turns out only her and “Al” dislike Wilson. Oh, and “Al” doesn’t really dislike him, it was our old pal oxycottonjohn calling in to fuck around.


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Show Recap for Thursday 8/7/2014

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Well…after all that went on, or rather didn’t go on in the last hour of the show yesterday (you know…the 40 minutes of show that didn’t happen because of all that contract gobbledegook) one of the big questions of the day was sort of…will there even BE a show today? Well…there was, which is why I am here, because I am going to recap that show that went on today as best as I can…which should be pretty okay considering I had no app issues, my laptop seems to be cooperating, I’m actually at home before 11:30, and my kid is tucked in bed (and looks like he’s about to pass out, so I’m pretty sure my bases are covered). So, getting right into it…Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show Thursday Recap, I’m your host, Jenny!!! Woo! Lots of applause and maybe some applesauce because I can’t think of one without the other when I’m typing it!!! Woo!!! Applesauce!! Except not..applesauce is gross. I mean, I’m sure it’s delicious…it’s a texture thing. I can’t get over it.

Anywhoo…..Ellis opens up the show and is all “Hey, I’m here” and there was a collective sigh of relief…probably. For anyone who missed the show intro, at least. He dove right into the whole ‘who knew whether or not we’d be here cause, man, contracts, am I right’ and informed all the listeners that he and Tully will at least be around on The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM for another 30 days because he’s signed another one of those contract extension dealies while (supposedly) the rest of the details of the contract get hammered out. He talks about how he’s sure that, in the end, it will all work out one way or another, although it seems like he may be having to make more concessions than originally planned. Overall, He and Tully agree that there are still some sleepless nights ahead of them both and man, can they not wait for all of this contract bullshit to be over with so they can go back to just doing a radio show. I bet the rest of us really can’t wait for this contract bullshit to be over with either, because I don’t know about the rest of you people out there in the US and Canada, but this shit has me way more on edge than I’d like. Probably because, for so many of us, The Jason Ellis Show is way more than just a show. Are you listening SiriusXM? Seriously…I have to question where I would be in life right now if it weren’t for this show…the support from Ellisfam, the kindness shown to me by all of you guys, the other guys on this TJES dedicated site, Jude, and the doors that all of this has opened for me…I don’t know where I’d be. Ellis is building his Empire and he welcomes the hard work, stress, and sleepless nights with open arms at this point, because it’s all going to be worth it in the end, and there is no blocking out the sun. Ellis is the sun, for those of you who work the night shift.

Ellis does share that he woke up this morning and was feeling a lot better physically…his stomach doesn’t hurt, he was able to eat breakfast, he shadow boxed a little bit while he was at the Spa, and thank freaking god for that, because he’s coming out to NYC sometime next week to talk contract shit and he didn’t think that he’d be able to get through the trip if he was feeling all shitty still. He also called up his money manager person last night and let her know that he was blowing off some steam with his credit card at the sex shop and it wasn’t a discussion, just a ‘heads up’ and the money manager person who tries to help Ellis from going broke all of the time knows about all the stress and didn’t try to enforce any limits on him, just went “lol heads up” and Ellis and Katie were off to the sex shop where among other things, he purchased a wolf mask for katie, some pants, and a sex swing that doesn’t have to be bolted in to the wall. Ellis has also been watching some dungeony torturey porns lately trying to pick up tips and he says that there are some of them that are really good, and some of the things that he sees goes on he’s really into and other things not so much, and if he could just pick and choose that seems way more up his alley. Tully jokes about how he’s pretty sure that there are dungeons he could go where he’s be able to kind of tell them what he was in to and they would listen to him, but then there may be other places where you straight up are made into some dungeon mistress’ bitch for an hour and then you thank her and are on your way, so it’s probably better to avoid any dungeons that happen to be on yachts and in international waters. The guys in the green room still haven’t been able to get their hands on a Fist of Adonis- like hammer fist dildo and Ellis chews out Kevin a bit for it, and informs him that there was one at the shop he was at last night and maybe he should hit google on his iphone a little harder since Katie found it in about 25 seconds.

A caller calls the show with a question about Ellismania happening this year and Ellis says it, once again, there is not going to be an Ellismania this year. He’s bummed that there won’t be one this year, but he says that it’s going to occur at the beginning of 2015 and it’s going to be great because there is a real production company involved because he really cares about it getting done right. Live Nation is the company who is getting behind it this time, and I’ve been to one of their events and they seem pretty legit, so let’s all keep our fingers crossed that they have enough people to make sure that there are chairs for a musical chair fight and a pinata for the pinata fight. Ellis goes on a bit of a reminisce about how Ellismania got started at the Hard Rock (EM3) and how it could not have happened if not for him squeezing every dime he could out of his sponsors, and especially had Chad Reed not contributed $5000 of his own dollars. Seriously…that’s a lot of money to put into something where there is no payoff and where no one is making any money. Thank you, Chad Reed. Ellis did say that before the end of the year there would be a HorseForce performance in NYC and a Wolfknives with Wolfknives Models shindig at The Roosevelt, and he really does want to plan some sort of little event like the Cricket Match so he can hang with the fans. So far as the cricket match goes, he puts it on us, so start a tweeting and instagramming where and when there should be an Ellisfam Cricket Match!!!

Back from the first break Tully brings us some MMA News, and thankfully since there were no fights I didn’t have to listen to Kenda giggle incessantly about nothing for the entire time and get angry on behalf of intelligent females everywhere. And yeah, that’s a dig, and no I’m not saying that I think she’s not an intelligent person as I do not know her, but she really sounds like a moron and it grates on me. If she could stop the whole ‘giggle to begin and end every sentence and in response to anything said to her’ thing I’d get back on board, because when she first started calling in it never bothered me. It took a few weeks for it to build up and make me frown at the radio, but now I find her completely insufferable. Anywayyyyy….Kyle Kingsbury, who has retired from the UFC after being thrashed by Patrick Cummins in UFC12 has come out of the ayahuasca closet basically blaming his loss in that fight to his use of the plant medicine that Aubrey Marcus has informed us all of, but that it’s okay because it made him a happier person. Interesting angle for sure. There was also a bit in there about how he had been told by the UFC to keep the inner peace talk to himself because it made him sound crazy, but he’s talking about it now since he’s retired, and that’s cool. It’s good to be cool. Speaking of retired UFC guys, Tully plays a clip of an up and coming SpikeTV show called Gym Rescue featuring Randy Couture and Frank Shamrock and it sounds like there is a lot of yelling involved, and Ellis and Tully both think that it’s a show that they would like to watch and maybe even follow for Show purposes. Tully makes a comment about getting the duo on the show to talk up Gym Rescue and there is silence from the Green Room, so Ellis starts talking about how they should just get the number and maybe call them on air, because Ellis is sometimes also the producer of his own show. Ellis brings up that there may be assault charges of some form being brought about because of the fistfight between Daniel Cormier and Crazy Bones Jones at a publicity stop in Vegas for their upcoming actual sanctioned fight, but Tully pulls an ‘I don’t know’ because Ellis is getting his info from the people over at TMZ and they can’t always be trusted to not sensationalize things. Ellis also brings up that Holly Holm has signed on with the UFC and people are already calling for her to fight Ronda Rousey, but that’s kind of bullshit because she hasn’t had one UFC fight yet and shouldn’t immediately get thrown in for a title fight. Holly Holm, however, does seem to be the new lady talk of the town because she is a great striker and Ellis is sure to mention that he saw a video of her kicking an opponent in the face and then punching her while she was still down because she is an animal. There is some talk back and forth between Tully and Ellis about who is next to fight Rousey, and whether the Cyborg fight is gonna happen, and why the hell is Cat Zingano not definitely the next person that Ronda is fighting?

Onto some Hollywood News, Tully informs us that Marianne Faithfull (who boned Rod Stewart and Mick Jagger when she was hot and didn’t look like a penguin) has come forward in an interview to say that her ex-boyfriend sold Jim Morrison the heroin that killed him back in the day and that it was an accident. This, of course, can’t be substantiated as Morrison’s body was never autopsied. There seems to be talk around town of a Mike Tyson Biopic which will be starring Jamie Foxx and Ellis, at first, doesn’t seem too fond of the idea, but comes around once he realizes…what other actor could really play Tyson other than Jamie Foxx? Tyler Perry really isn’t big enough, although Wendy Williams could throw her hat in the ring because she’s fabulous. Speaking of Hollywood and Movies, Tully is excited to announce that Filmmaker Neil Bomkamp and Ninja and Yo-Landi Vi$$er of Die Antwood have finished filming a new movie called Chappie, because he is slightly in love with Yo-landi and he is sure that it will be his favorite movie of all time. Neil Blomkamp, for those of you who don’t know, is the man behind District 9 and Elysium (both movies that Ellis loved) and he’s kind of helping to put South Africa on the map in a good way. In other big H news, Sly Stallone is talking about extending the Expendables franchise to some new movies called the Expendabelles featuring females who have been prominent in action roles over the past however long, and Ellis is not all that pumped on that idea because Old Lady faces only tell sad stories. I mean, really, the short list for that movie has to be the shortest short list of all times, unless they are really going to expand their definition of female action hero. All I’m coming up with is the Terminator Chick and Alien Chick. As Hollywood Movies are going down the toilet anywhere, there are rumors in Hollywood that there is to be a third Ghostbusters movie featuring All Female Ghostbusters comprised of Hollywood Funny Women and…I’m all for girl power…but what…did the guys sign the Ghostbusters over to one of their daughters or something? How is that gonna work? Rounding out Hollywood News there is some talk about Terminator 5: Genisys which is the title and spelling that is making everyone on Twitter go insane because twitter needs to lose its shit on something new every 5 seconds, and Kanye West giving a deposition about some paparazzi fight where he walked about downed paparazzi drones possibly electrocuting his 1 year old daughter and sky-rocketing himself to the top of the list of contenders for The Dumbest Rich Person in the World.

Back from the break there is a guest…well…a guest and soon to be a couple more guests in the studio! The main guest is Amy Purdy, a pro-snowboarder, Para Olympian, who is also a motivational speaker and was first runner up on Dancing With The Stars. Earlier in the show Ellis had mentioned that she was going to be on the show and he was pumped on it because Devin really liked her and was a fan of her on DWTS and he and Tully looked up her Instagram and talked about how beautiful she was and the possibility that Daddy could be cool in Daddy’s eyes for 3 seconds because she is in the midst of a serious ‘My dad is not cool’ phase. But anyway, Amy Purdy is on the show and she is a straight up delight. I really enjoyed her time on the show. She talked about how she lost her legs at 19 due to Bacterial Meningitis along with both of her kidneys and her spleen, but was able to overcome it and turned to Snowboarding as a profession (she previously had only done it as a hobby) because after she lost her legs, she wanted to find a way to use her legs. Damn. She talked about how it was being on DWTS and how it was more challenging than she had even imagined because it was an intense 3 months where she danced for six hours a day and not only had to learn a new dance every week like the rest of the contestants, but had to go through the process of how to figure out which prosthetic legs would work for each of the dances. It was interesting to hear about how she coordinated not only with her dance partner, but with the company who produces her prosthetic legs and the doctor who fit them to get a pair of legs that would enable her to perform every dance. At one point during the interview Devin and Tiger showed up at the studio so Devin could meet Amy and tell Ellis on air that she was not impressed by him and didn’t love him. And that part really broke my heart. I mean…I understand how kids are and how they can be, but I never personally went through the whole ‘My dad is lame’ phase and I was basically crying to Hubbs about that for a second. Ellis rolled with the punches though, as he does (and also because he’s her father and he knows that she loves him) and continued the interview with kid interruptions like a champ. Amy talked about her future plans, including publishing a book with Harper Collins (who published Ellis’ books) which is already finished and was written in 6 weeks, how she has a clothing line with Element, and how she is going on tour with Oprah. THE Oprah. Ellis asked Amy if she was single and she told him that she wasn’t, but that her boyfriend Daniel was a big fan of the show and listened every single day. Hi Daniel!!!! Lucky guy, I’d say, because she really seems like a cool lady with a good head on her shoulders. I was definitely feeling very inspired by the end of the interview and advise anyone who feels like they had a bad day to listen to it On Demand. I’ve been in a teensy slump and listening to her was a swift kick in the bum…I mean…she was living a happy, normal life, thought she had the flu, went to the hospital and went into a friggin coma for 3 weeks, woke up and heard she had to have her legs amputated and some organs taken out and that she may still die…and she just kept going. She just kept going. And she turned her life into something fucking amazing. Great guest!!! I hope she comes back to watch Sting Pong and promote her book!!!

Back from the break, Tully talks about how there is a serious deficit of things they can talk about with the kids around and brings up some science myths that everyone believes but are untrue like people only using 10 percent of their brains and there being a dark side of the moon. They then get talking about an article he found about poop and thongs and women wearing thongs and g-strings and how maybe women shouldn’t since apparently most women walk around with shit stained strings up their bum at all times and Ellis is so not into the article, but they talk about it for way longer than they should anyway. Ellis and Tully are both part of the camp that believes g-strings have a purpose and shouldn’t be worn absolutely all of the time and women should invest in some undies. Nascar Mike calls the show to talk about a patent pending invention he has that velcro’s to g-strings to keep them from getting stained by bum juice because his wife has that problem and he doesn’t like her in ‘grannie panties’…and I just want to say, sorry Nascar Mike the big companies all already make panty liners for thongs and g-strings and just because it’s not a string up your ass doesn’t mean it’s a grannie pantie. Seriously. That pisses me off. I enjoy thongs a lot…Hubbs loves when I wear thongs…but I don’t exclusively wear them and I also do not own a single pair of grannie panties. Grannie panties are briefs for women. There are a whole range of other cuts that are not grannie panties. So if you’re a man who walks around saying there’s thongs and there’s granny panties…please crack the spine of a victoria’s secret catalogue and educate yourself.

Finishing up the show Ellis and Tully play a game with the guys of the green room- Will, Jetta, Cumtard, and HotDog, which is kind of a spin on 3 truths and a lie. Basically, a true statement is read from a sheet of paper and Ellis and Tully have 3 questions each to ask whichever of the Green Roomers they like to help figure out which of them the statement applies to. All four of the Green Roomers have to answer as though the statement applies to them and Ellis and Tully have to try and figure out which person the statement is about. I don’t know if there was an overall winner of this game between Ellis and Tully, but in my opinion, HotDog owned this game. Not only did we learn some things about him, but he completely managed to bamboozle Ellis to the point where Ellis thought everything was about HotDog but nothing was about HotDog and it was funny. HotDog walked away with a new catch phrase- ‘Loved It’, and Ellis learned a lot about Jetta. Here is what we learned during that game:
HotDog: threw a kid off of the jungle gym and broke his arm while trying to get to the slide, was suspended from school for mooning classes during finals, used to eat detention slips in front of the principal, and had his older brother Joey wipe his ass for years after he was potty trained
Cumtard: had a psychiatrist as a child who constantly asked him how often he masturbated and if he wanted to wrestle and when he finally admitted to masturbating- his DR. asked him if he ate it, was the Nephew in Law of Matthew Broderick, and saw ‘Look Who’s Talking’ 7 times in the theater because he was in love with Kirstie Allie.
Jetta: was barred from 8th grade graduation after being caught stealing a carnival prize by an undercover cop, took a cocktail of anti-anxiety meds before sneaking into a music festival, and played World of Warcraft for 3 years.
Will: Voiced a DJ in an x-rated video game called Bone Town.

After that there were final calls that weren’t very earth shattering, but the final final caller, or the ‘Don’t Die-er’ told a quick anecdote about how while he and his wife were trying to conceive their Doctor advised them to go to a sperm bank (which i’m guessing is for in-vitro) and when he and his wife went, his ex- whom his wife absolutely despised- was the technician there to accept his sample, so he had to jerk off into a cup and hand it to his ex, and have his wife be mad at him for something that he could not possibly control. Women…am i right?

Things we learned on TJES today:

Devin fractured her finger at Catalina

Ellis filmed a testimonial for Speed Weed last night and got paid in free weed

Tully likes going to shitty liquor stores

Old Man Sweat is cold because they’re basically half dead

It took $20 grand for Ellismania 3 to get green lit by The Hard Rock

Ellis ordered Skateboard stuff today and couldn’t remember what he needed

Coonan MaGrubey gets turned on by the scent of fear

Neverland Ranch is for sale

Jim Morrissey may have tried to have the head of his fan site killed

Visit CharityWatch.org to make sure the charity you give your money to actually does charitable things with your money

The Waltz was one of the hardest dances for Amy Purdy on DWTS because it involves a lot of ankle movement and she doesn’t have those

Amy Purdy is the founder of the Non-Profit Adaptive Active Sports

When Oprah called Amy Purdy she sing-songed “It’s Oprah”

Tiger is scared of being in the studio when he should be scared of being in the Green Room

The Flintstones are evil if you are religious

Ellis looked into HotDog’s soul and saw his ass

Dropping a penny off a building won’t kill a person, but a marble probably will

Katie is in the club and can’t get out cause she wiped Tiger’s butt

Tully’s son’s bff at daycare says goodbye to him, gives him a hi-five, and kisses him on the mouth

It’s a brave new world

 

 

That’s all I have for you folks!!! Except for that it’s after midnight and officially BroBro’s Birthday!!!!! Happy 31st you old man!!!!! I love you to itty bits!!!

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 8/6/2014

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Good evening, bitches. We’ve got a doozy of a show to go over today. I’m sure a lot of you are here to find out all the juicy drama that happened towards the end of the show. I’ll get to that soon enough, but I’m a creature of habit, and I’m not gonna blow my load before start jacking off, I gotta go in order. So if all you want is to hear about contract negotiations, all you need to know is down there….no…lower….lower…..

Ellis opened up the show talking about a homeless lady he saw near the bus station this morning. Only this one had two kids with her, one as young as six years old, and it looked like they had slept there the night before. So Ellis gave her $20, and she gave him a story about how she needed $90 for a hotel for a night, because the shelters in LA wouldn’t take her and her kids in without California ID. I may be wrong here, but that sounds like an awful lot like bullshit if you ask me, but I looked up even a Motel 6 in Hollywood will run you about $85 a night, at least for a King size bed, so the amounts match up at least. Wilson came in and explained that he didn’t think providing the hotel room for the night would be much of a help for someone like that, because they are back on the street the next night. Ellis seemed to trust the lady, he could see that she had at least gotten where she is in part by drugs, but she seemed clean. I did a quick search on the internets and didn’t find any homeless shelters in LA that required any ID, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true, but it sounds like bullshit. If you’re wondering why I did further research on something twice in one recap, it’s because I’m sober. Yeah, I know, it’s a fucking travesty. But we all have homeless people around and as a general rule of thumb, it’s best to give them things (i.e. clothes, blankets, food, shoes etc.) but giving money is a lazy way to ease your conscience, so naturally that’s what we do. Anyone else depressed yet?

Annnnnd scene.

Annnnnd scene.

So Ellis tweeted something last night about needing a producer. Naturally, people started assuming Kevin had been fired for something or other and the show was out a producer. Jason assured everyone that wasn’t the case, and Kevin is still around.  In case you were wondering, Hot Dog’s Fuck/Marry/Kill for people on the show is as follows: Fuck Jetta because he could overwhelm him, sexually. Kill Kevin because he would make cool squealing sounds, and marry Tully because he is smarter than Ellis and could take better care of him. Ellis would be a passionate love, but a fast and loose life is not what the Hot Dog needs.

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Victoria Bitter is a beer from Australia. Ellis looked back fondly on memories of the super manly commercials he remembered from his childhood. Jude and Tully watched the commercial and confirmed it was filled with more dripping with as much homoeroticism as Freddy Mercury’s mustache. Jude is cool, check out Foreally Show , @Shit_Toboggan turned me onto it and I’ve been all over that lately.

 

Ok, let’s see: Sharks, Shark rules, World’s Greatest Wednesday: What’s the greatest job for Ellis which they never got to finish, and Tully and Ellis watched and reviewed ‘Cobra’ , a 1986 piece of shit starring Sylvester Stallone. It’s filled with every cheesy action bullshit you’d expect from the guy who made so many other cheesy pieces of shit. Sometimes a movie gets so bad that it actually starts to get good again. This one does that, and then gets bad all over again. Fun Fact by Tully: This was the original script they asked Stallone to write for Beverly Hills Cop.

FUCKgif

Aubrey Marcus called in today, and he is back from doing drugs in the jungle again. He had a bad trip where he thought he was going to die, but then saw something that turned it positive and yay for drugs. The interesting part of this whole segment was when Aubrey was talking about how when outside forces are trying to stop you from reaching your goals, and achieving your full potential you have to take a stand and…..HOLY SHIT THIS PARALELLS ELLIS AND THE CONTRACTS AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

So Ellis is really pissed about how these contract negotiations have gone. It started off with someone telling him he was getting his own channel, where he controls the music and the content. Then they said there was a misunderstanding and he couldn’t have that. Then they told him that, yes, they did tell him that but now none of that is on the table for him. So he went from getting everything he ever wanted, to basically having the exact same thing he has now, and oh yeah, someone is doing a morning show in your studio. The kicker here was that someone contacted him to let him know he can’t have anything he wanted during the break, and it killed all the momentum of the show, so the guys said fuck it, and went home. Tully seemed to maintain that the show would be back tomorrow to kind of piece things together, but honestly, I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t show up. Ellis was pissed, and was talking about how maybe they won’t have a show anymore, and they’d have to move on to something else. Naturally, this pissed Ellisfam THE. FUCK. OFF. Not at Ellis, but at shit-ass Sirius for fucking with our show, Almost immediately, Twitter started exploding with people tweeting SiriusXM saying how they will cancel their subscriptions if Ellis is no longer on their airwaves. And really, what else would you need Sirius for? There isn’t shit else, but I digress. I had a whole ‘Fuck Sirius’ speech mapped out in my head, and it was pretty awesome, but then Ellis tweeted:

Jason Ellis‏@EllisMate 4h

No 1 needs to hold hands on this shit. It’s getting sorted. Poorly handled to say the least but handled it will be! Pissed not quitting.

 6:02 PM – 6 Aug 2014
So apparently there is no reason for any of us to fret at this time. Our show is still safe, maybe not in the way Ellis and the fam wanted, but at least for now, it seems like it’ll be ok. And, honestly, what’s the worst that happens if Sirius does ever lose TJES? He grabs some sponsors, does a podcast or a web TV show on OfficialJasonEllis.com and we all save a bit of money by not paying for Sirius anymore. Either way, we all know where are loyalties lie, and it doesn’t matter what banner it is under, we are Ellisfam ’til we die. That being said, Don’t die.

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/5/14

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WELCOME BACK FOLKS!!! IT’S THE SHIT SHOW THAT KEEPS ON FUCKING HERE IN MY OFFICE TODAY!!! Everything from a comeback on a major engine job, to another engine job that the customer is on the fence about, to a 93 year old man who decided to tow his old Peugeot in to have us see why smoke is pouring out of it. A Peugeot for fuck’s sake! It’s like the French Ford Pinto!!! But I digress, cause these things are all really inconsequential to the fact that it’s almost lunch time and time for me to get some Aussie in my afternoon with the Jason Ellis show. Today’s show got underway with a reminder to stay focused and learn a little Spanish cause it could come in handy some day. The crocodile hunter wears a swamp camo wetsuit, not sure it really has anything to do with anything, but he did. He could surf too, with jungle boots on. He may be interesting, but probably not that cool to hang out with except in small doses. Jude stepped in for a bit to talk with the guys about democracy and capitalism and I should just keep my mouth shut about both of those cause this could quickly turn from a recap into a manifesto. Tully’s main point on it had to do with how many TV stations we have in America cause of a massive “free market” of avenues by which a company can sling bullshit at the public, and in other countries they try to put a bit of a cap on that sort of behavior. But hey, as long as you keep consuming, they’ll keep cranking out iJesse or whatever fucktard spray the TV feels like producing all over your face at any given time. Jason noticed, along with Jude, that Mexican immigrants are probably the number one consumers of public parks, due to having large families and a knack for grilling anywhere they might be allowed. Tully hates the beach cause he’s Irish and there’s too many god damn people in LA and definitely too many at the fucking beach cause mother fuckers act like it’s the only place where water has ever met dirt. Jude is kind of on the same team as Tully, and it goes double for boats cause the sun reflecting off the water would basically turn him into lobster tortellini in a matter of hours. When Jason went to Panama last year, he got hooked up on a boat tour by some dude who lives “off the coast” (translation: outside your jurisdiction) and does lots of meth and tries to give pills and gourmet lunches to the tourists that employ him. Unfortunately, their chef is a fat sweaty Mexican cokehead who can’t manage a simple ceviche. It just reminded Jason of Jeremiah Johnson and living in the middle of nowhere and right when Jude mentioned his mom’s cabin, Jason remembered a dream e had about shooting endless ropes of jizm.This of course got the guys talking about wet dreams. One time, Jude was sleeping at someone else’s house and the bed they put him in belonged to a 4 year old girl and in the worst possible coincidence, he shot a load in his sleep. The guys talked some more about capitalism and how it only works if you get the fuck off your ass and go drop a deuce in Alaska so you can game the system for a lifetime pension for owning property there. Jason and Jude talked a bit more about moving to the wilderness and Tully shat on it like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. There was more talk of the beach cause the guys just couldn’t leave well enough alone with Tully and he doesn’t feel like cleansing his soul in raw sewage in the most polluted unnatural bodies of water on the west coast. Tully does seem to feed his personal hatred of humanity by watching the people at the beach, so hopefully having a child who demands beach vibes can keep him in his wonderful state of personality for years to come. Hot Dog peeked in to back Tully on his opinion that skin cancer and biohazardous ocean water is nowhere near as good as a kiddie pool full of margaritas with a TV nearby, and no one’s invited unless you invite them so if you feel like being naked, you don’t need to worry about David Hasselhoff telling you to cover your giblets. Sure, maybe you can’t surf in it, but you can drown out the incessant voices of rage that keep telling you to tear someone’s spine out and sodomize their children with it, like you get at the beach around spring break time. Jason is such a surfer that he could never imagine seeing a family at the beach only because the kid wanted to go and the parents are wishing that driving drunk wasn’t a bad idea so they could have brought a bigger handle of Seagram’s 7 with them. Tully delved into his home life and the fact that him and his wife probably own too much stuff that’s gray, gray furniture, gray clothes, gray cars, half-asian baby named gray, and all of that is probably why he hates sunshine and interacting with other members of the species. Jude likes having a lot of orange accents in his house and Tully is disgusted by it. Jason recapped his experience to Jude about getting waxed in studio yesterday and it sounds like everything is baby smooth and slightly swollen but otherwise perfectly happy with the results. The guys discussed who in the studio had the dirtiest asshole and the obvious answer was WILSON cause he’s just the kind of guy to shower with his pants on and not take off his t-shirt when he goes for a fap session. Will tried to deny it without giving any more in depth information, so it kind of confirms all our suspicions that the Hate Bean persona is not just an on-air character. The guys talked hip-hop for a bit and Jude reminded us all that he actually hates most of what it’s turned into these days, which I can’t really argue with cause autotune, Lil’ Wayne, MCA died, Flavor Of Love, MC Hammer’s reality show, et cetera. Jude sampled a few things for the guys and they seemed to like it for the most part, so it might not be all bad but I haven’t kept enough track of it all to know too much about it. The guys played a sample of a Die Antword song with some guy talking about aggressive man fucking and Jude seemed to appreciate it, even though I wish they would just stay in South Africa. There were some phone calls and stuff and the guys sampled some more songs that might be going into rotation on the show, like Cher’s “Believe”, which is sadly a modern classic and also the inspiration for every asshole that decided to use autotune. Jude stepped out to go do his show and the guys decided to play each other samples of the riffs they’ve cooked up for Horse Force which should sound surprisingly similar to Black Sabbath. Tully’s wouldn’t play from his iPhone for some reason, so they took a break to regroup and smash Steve Job’s crowning achievement of a mobile device in protest.

 

So, with all the talk of music, the guys put out a call to the fans for stuff they might want to play on the show or possible influences for Horse Force songs. Tully’s phone finally decided to play the riff he worked on and it is definitely a Sabbath riff for all intents and purposes. Remember that dildo that ICP gave to Kid Rock that he needed to give back to the court as part of a sexual harassment lawsuit? Well, he basically wrote back to the law firm that subpoenaed it that he doesn’t have it and you can go fuck yourselves, and while you’re at it, all your lawyer friends can fuck you too, and when you’re done with that, get fucked again, and then a little bit longer, and when THAT’S all over with, use the ocean of jizm from that endless fuck session as lube to slide yourselves into a missile casing and let the military fire you at Afghanistan or whatever other brown country we feel like subjugating this week. Cumtard saw the new “Gaurdians Of The Galaxy” movie this weekend, and the guys thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get another shocking movie review from him, this time with helium! After compiling the list of hot words, Cumtard told us all about the movie while being summarily tortured in a fashion only the Tard could abide by. Now, if you like hearing Kevin’s suffering, I must tell you that it really is better with a helium voice and the stipulation that he will be electrocuted for dancing or saying “please”. It surely loses some effect when you’re not watching it, but if you’ve seen Cumtard get electrocuted in person as I have, and you have an active imagination, it’s pretty easy to paint yourself a hilarious mental picture of just what’s going on when this happens. The sounds coming out of his mouth when he’s all heliumed up and being shocked are pretty fantastic, and while I can’t verify that there was dancing, I take it on good authority that he was cause they shocked him for it. Say, have you ever wondered about the bizarre genitalia of the animal kingdom? Cause the Jason Ellis show is here to educate you about it. The guys explored the many insane and religion-debunking marvels of animal fun bits, like the echidna, an Australian anteater type animal with a four headed cock! Or sharks and stingrays, who have barbs on their dicks, combining fucking and spear fishing like no other species on earth could. But wait, it gets worse, cause shark vaginas are a multipurpose organ containing all bits required for gestating eggs, urination and defecating! Flatworms have both male and female parts, but they will fight to the death to try and be the one to impregnate the other one first!!! Barnacles have the biggest cocks in all of the animal kingdom, a cock forty times their own length, like some sort of long rage semen harpoon. Octopi have detachable penises, CUE KING MISSILE! GOD DAMN I NEED TO RESTRING MY GUITAR, I EVEN HAVE AN ECHO PEDAL SO I CAN COVER THAT SONG PERFECTLY!!! There are insects which are known to have sex for 40 to 70 hours at a time and at some point their bodies will actually swap genitals cause the Christian god is a lie and our true lord and master is the great Satan!!! Enough about animal cocks though, cause over in New Jersey, an egg nog factory fucking exploded cause egg nog is apparently just too awesome to be contained in New Jersey. The guys talked for a bit about new offensive props to keep around the office (remember that giant black cock the size of a half gallon liquor bottle they used to have? I seent it, it was offensive. And hilarious) and they decided a huge rubber fist was probably a good contender. Since Cumtard is the guy most likely to bear the brunt of this object, the guys asked what he would most like to get hit by and a massive dick was exactly what he was hoping for, so that’s settled. The guys decided to take a break for Hot Dog to go get the massive cock and to get some phone callers lined up for a segment next up about the things you might not want the public to know about the place you work.

 

So, if you haven’t noticed lately, the show is very interested in the twitter accounts of Jaden and Willow Smith cause the shit they think up is just adorably terrifying, like a Hitler press conference about unicorns. After reading the insane ramblings of the Smith children, they decided to take a quick look at Willow Smith’s music video cause apparently there’s some lines in it about how she is the messiah or some such shit, cause people seem to have lost their appreciation for a good old fashioned assassination which I wouldn’t necessarily wish upon a teenager, but there’s some grown ups who cosign this kind of shit that should certainly get the fear of Satan put in them. They read some more of her Scientology inspired bullshit and those of us who don’t need anti-psychotics all had a good laugh. At this point, I feel like the Fresh Prince needs to exercise his pimp hand or something, cause this just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he might let fly. Where’s that kid from West Philly, yo? Break a mothafucka off something, god damn. But hey, nobody’s dunking their kid head first in a bucket of paint thinner, so who am I to judge? The guys talked for a while about how Jada Pinkett-Smith is probably some sort of succubus or undercover assassin or something like that, cause it just seems like she would be the least expected person to tackle you and rip your larynx out. The boys turned to the phones to ask the listeners what it might be that the management doesn’t want the public to know about their company. The first caller used to go pick up hookers to deliver for the oil field workers and the workers would in turn pass the cost along to the higher ups at the oil company by using a hot shot driver for a quick delivery. Next guy said that at another oil field, the guys used to bury evidence before environmental and safety inspectors would show up for normal inspections (tell me again how big oil isn’t all kinds of crooked?). Next guy was a fuel delivery driver and would KNOWINGLY MIX THE HIGH GRADE AND MID GRADE FUELS TO MAKE THE MID GRADE STUFF!!! But more importantly, sometimes one of the tanks would be full and they just put premium in all three. Luckily for you, the consumer, pretty much every  gas station is a complete shit show, so chances are it doesn’t really matter much what you fill your tank with cause you’re likely not being charged the correct amount and that’s gotta pay off in your favor eventually! Next caller used to work for a car stereo place and at the particular shop he worked at, they would upsell all the top of the line equipment but install remanufactured units, which reminds me that assholes like this make every price shopping phone call I get a legitimate fit of paranoia about the industry I work in, cause some people are incompetent schyster assholes. Tully worked at a pretty high end restaurant, and as we all know, you don’t fuck with people that prepare your food, and that’s all I have to say about that. Next guy that called in worked on the upper level of the glass cieling of the oil industry and according to him, those mother fuckers are straight up scum, like this one time when a well exploded and the execs didn’t do shit but try to get one of the lower management folks to calculate up the bottom line for them (TELL ME AGAIN HOW BIG OIL ISN’T CROOKED AS FUCK!?!?!?!?!) Next caller worked at a tax prep agency and a lot of guys used to come in wasted and filthy and pissing themselves and basically, as long as nobody complained to the manager, nobody got fired. After that we heard from a guy who worked at a pizza shop and whenever they got an asshole customer they added extra oil to the dough to guarantee that the end user would have diarrhea. The guys talked for a while about how Jude Law is definitely going bald but he pulls it off really well and this got Ellis back to thinking about getting a wig so he can pretend to be John Travolta for a couple years just to fuck with everybody. Back to callers, next guy called to tell the guys about how he’s working underage and illegally for a fracking site and all the vehicles are unsafe to be on the road and he’s the one certifying them even though he isn’t old enough to get a license to drive, oh, and he’s handling hazardous materials all day too, cause big oil ain’t crooked as a tweaker’s cock or anything like that. Next caller worked at a car dealership where he got tapped by one of the service writers (my job) but had to reconsider because as part of the interview they asked him if he was comfortable intentionally lying to the customers to upsell shit that didn’t need to be done. On a personal note, I quit working at dealers after eight years, cause I like sleeping at night without being woken up by the night terrors of some old lady going homeless after paying $1100 in fluids that didn’t need to be done. Shout out to San Leandro Nissan Hyundai Kia, my last employer, I actually witnessed that on multiple occasions. There were more tales like this, leaking oil trucks that don’t get repaired, burying fracking chemicals, one guy called to say that at a cell phone repair shop he worked at, the technicians would routinely browse through any recovered data to see if there were nudes of the hot ladies that bring their phones in, but he got his one day when he found pictures of a girl getting HUMAN FECES rubbed all over her by her boyfriend like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. They also found some home made clown porn too, so it’s not all terrifying? Tully has noticed a whistling noise coming from his toilet but hasn’t wanted to bother the landlords because they’re really polite old people so he decided to set an Onnit kettlebell on top of the float valve cause that stops the noise for some reason. On that note, let’s ponder the weird noises in our homes that could be fixed by setting something heavy on them.

 

MMA NEWS YA FUCKS! Remember that brawl between John Jones and Daniel Cormier that broke out at the weigh ins? Well, the state of Nevada and the UFC aare looking into how they’re gonna penalize the two guys for acting so unprofessionally. Also, remember last week when that one guy who was gonna make a comeback ended up shooting himself? Well, there’s pics of the injury floating around the internet, and from what I’m told, it looks like a self inflicted gunshot wound. Jason was talking to Jeremy McGrath on instagram lately and is thinking of how to get a Polaris for some short course dirt track racing while combining the WolfKnife clothing line and EllisMania, cause he sure as fuck ain’t winning on speed and skill alone, so there’s gotta be some really eye-catching shit at the merch tent. The guys kicked off a round of Ellis Jeopardy with contestants Tully, Cumtard and Hot Dog. As is usually the case with Ellis Jeopardy, the clues would require a deep, intimate, almost intra-colonic relationship with Jason Ellis, the kind only his long time co-host might have, but were hilarious as always. Before all that though, we got a recap of Sharknado 2 and if I still did drugs, I gotta believe that shit would be on repeat on my DVD player 24 hours a day cause it sounds like the greatest compilation of stupid bullshit that has ever been burned onto celluloid. In an interesting turn of questions about Sharknado 2, we came to learn that Cumtard spent a bit of time in college smoking crack. He once smoked so much crack, he paralyzed his hands and set off the dorm building fire alarms. Amazing the things we learn talking about Rob Ford and a tropical storm made of giant predatory fish, isn’t it? So, Ellis Jeopardy, a laugh riot as usual and in a surprise upset, the winner was Cumtard! the guys took a quick break and came back with some final calls on things and stuf, where stuff and things were explained and mused about with Jason and Tully. And before you forget, if you want to suggest some music for the guys to maybe put in rotation or possible influences for Horse Force, DON’T FUCKING TWEET IT CAUSE IT’S JUST TOO GOD DAMN HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF but you can email your suggestions to submittoellis@gmail.com. There was talk of pirate radio (the movie and the geurilla media trend of the 1970’s), and Steve Coogan (who was awesome in another movie called 24 Hour Party People about the birth of club music and the rise and fall of the band New Order), exercising, testosterone replacement therapy, and some other shit that I was only half paying attention too, but is valid and deserves our attention because we’re all Satan’s children and he loves us equally.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,