Am I the only one that thinks we should add another month on at the end of the year so that we can have 13/13/13? I mean, it would make so many douchebag rockabilly guys really happy and there would be so many knuckle tattoos commemorating the date for really stupid reasons, I think it just needs to happen. Anyways, grab a seat and something to eat and shut the fuck up and put your mother fucking hands where I can see ’em and grab your ankles and don’t you fucking scream or I’ll fucking slit that pretty little throat of yours, it’s RECAP TIME!!! Today’s show started with Jason telling us that we should all give ourselves a pat on the back for being awesome and just sit and enjoy it for a while. Jason is still training for the rematch with Gabe Ruediger and is feeling faster and stronger and less like a forty year old washed up skateboarder every day. Dingo was in the studio being his normal awesome self. Jason told him how much he would like to fornicate with Dingo’s life schedule. The guys got into a conversation about how Siri is a dishonest cunt, much like many other Apple products, but since they’re going to be raising their own army soon to overthrow Google, it’s probably a moot point. Dingo started feeling things he wasn’t prepared for when Jason decide to do the radio shirtless, and it just got creepier from there. @TheDingoInSnow compared Ellis to Benji Madden, which pretty much cements just what type of friends he would like to be. Jason even got to talk about training with his therapist, who has every normal right to ask questions when a patient comes in with a black eye. But luckily, that eye is still good enough to enjoy the living piss out of Game Of Thrones, and lately he’s been doing just that. I haven’t gotten into it and I don’t read cause that shit is for pansies, but it sounds like it was probably pretty epic. Last night while watching a little G.O.T., Ellis was about to go to sleep and heard a loud noise. He checked to see what it was and there were two guys sitting in an SUV parked across his driveway. Somebody came and needed to get into the parking lot and needed these guys to move, and when they did, they parked right up on that shit and started having a pow-wow with these guys with “Eye of the Tiger” blasting out the windows of his Prius. Then one of them started stretching like he was about to start break dancing or some shit and Ellis was starting to wonder if they wanted him to come down and try their own version of one of the scenes from West Side Story, and J wasn’t having that shit cause he’s got a job and needs to get some shut-eye. So Jason called the cops to have them move these guys along and the operator was really shocked that some fifty year old fat guy was doing calisthenics in front of an apartment building with eighties power montage music going. Long story short, the guy was just waiting to pick somebody up and when they came down, the whole troop went on their merry way. Dingo recently made the news because he was drunk as fuck and a friend of his who used to regularly book Kevin Federline for gigs (although there’s really no reason why anybody should, ever) and when they went back to the suite to make some wedding they were supposed to be at, K-Fed is standing in the hall near the room and there was a small group of folks all gathered for the ceremony who saw Dingo in his boardshorts and sunglasses three sheets to the wind just fuckin’ parting his nuts off like he normally does. But the kicker is that K-Fed had a speech that wouldn’t fucking end and was all of the cheesiest shit that might have kept Britney around if she wasn’t nuttier than a jar of chunky Jif. Jokes on all of us though, cause Federline is still collecting child support of her. Pendarvis stepped in with a story he read about the kind of ridiculous expenses that he claims to get that paycheck that every other divorced man prays for until the day they die. The guys talked off road trucks for a bit, cause old friend Ricky Carmichael is gonna be in the torque series trying to make a name for himself as the GOAT of another dirt and gasoline sport. There was more talk of Wolf Wipes: the wipes that take the bite out of dropping a deuce. Rawdog explained what Kickstarter is to Ellis so that he might try and get some donations to make it happen, but Jason decided to keep it oldschool and start the company from the bottom. Then everybody started throwing around theories about how Ken Block takes care of his butthole, and it was generally agreed that there’s no way he’s treating that thing with any less respect than it deserves. The guys talked about energy drinks for a while and how fucking lame it is that Monster sponsors everybody’s friends but not the Ellis Show. This led to talk about how the energy drink game is kind of like the new Nike, spreading the sponsorship so all the kids think they can be better at their sport of choice by using their product, and since not as many kids are into the normal sports these days, the reins are being passed to all the “extreme” guys cause that’s the kind of people who want to be pumped full of caffeine and B-vitamins. And the energy drinks have made it so that pro skaters and dirt bike riders can’t be anything without it, which is probably why ESPN is letting the X-Games turn to shit. It’s also probably why all the major sports are becoming less major, what with general interest dying off despite all the sponsors dumping more and more money into it. Not to mention that more and more people are finding out that it’s not that interesting to watch people stand in a field for four and a half hours chewing tobacco and trying not to let their muscles atrophy. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t get your kids in to sports, just make sure they’re doing they’re homework and shit too. Ellis got to spar next to Ray “Boom Boom” Mancini today, I’ve never heard the name but apparently he’s a big deal in the boxing world, so if you’ve been following that sport for a while I’m sure you’d be happy to hang out with that guy too. He’s in great shape too, considering his age and his record, 29 and 5 out of a total 34 fights. The guys talked football and shit for a while after this, and I’ve never been into it so I was kinda tuned out, but it was nicer background noise than the all R&B and Disco channel that my laziest shit head of a mechanic insists on playing through the shop stereo even though no one else wants to hear it. We heard stories of how awesome it feels to accomplish really awesome shit that you didn’t think your body could do and how golf is still gonna be the athletic equivalent to Nazi Germany until hell freezes over. And Tully’s parents grew up to be lazy drunks, so they’ll never know how to do a frontside boneless over the spine. And while we’re talking sports, cheer leading isn’t one. It’s all run by one big corporation that answers to no one and they just want to take your money and turn your teenage daughters into sex objects. But, hey what the fuck would I know, right? It’s not like all this shit is well documented or anything. The guys played around with Siri for a bit to see if it could buy EllisMania tickets and it sure enough, it’s not completely worthless. Prefect time for the guys to regroup while Creedence tells us about being Born on the Bayou…
So, a guy got arrested for burglarizing a house, but didn’t realize that the guy he was trying to rob was a retired boxer, so he pretty much got his ass kicked by an old man and ended up in the klink because of it. Couldn’t possible be worse than NEW MUSIC TUESDAY THOUGH!!! And to start with, we heard a verse from Kendrick Lamar, some people are saying it’s the best thing all year, I personally couldn’t give a fuck about your autotuned knob slobbing fest where you call out every other rapper for doing pretty much the same thing that you’re doing. If it was all that good, it would have been a whole song, not just a verse on someone else’s mixtape. After that was the new Katy Perry single which didn’t make me change my opinion about her kind needing to be exterminated. Next we heard the new one from Lady GaGa and I still want to strangle a toddler every time she gets a new song played on the radio (but Tully made an awesome Missing Persons joke for all the eighties kids and that made me smile). After we all finished having our period, we got to hear the new one from Luke Bryan and if you haven’t tried to romance a twice removed relative down by the crick in the back of your dad’s pickup truck, this should put you in the mood to do it. And an old “friend” of the show Aubrey O’day released an album that made me wish about six million AND ONE Jews (I’m pointing a finger at a particular one) had died in the holocaust (and I know that’s really tasteless, but that’s what kind of day I’m having). After that was some elevator music shit that was not worth mentioning but still made it’s way on this segment (SUR-FUCKING-PRISE). Next was a band called Sembla and it was very Scandinavian, but not in the awesome viking way, more like the “what the fuck is wrong with northern Europe?” way. Jason brought back the dick punching machine and it was a well earned treat for the rest of us. Then we got a taste of the new one from Vegan Bot and like most animal rights activists, it’s a noble cause executed very poorly. But hey, I’m sure Tupac is having a great time spinning in his grave. Next up was a new track from Nine Inch Nails and it may not be what the purists like, but it wasn’t too bad, so first good find this week. Nice work Tussin Wolf. After that was Avichi (spellcheck my freshly shaven asshole) and if you like all the people that are ripping off Paul Simon, Mumford and Sons, Neutral Milk Hotel, and every other indie mother fucker that doesn’t want to be famous but insists on making sure you know who they are, then go cop this album and stick it up your ass the flat way so you can sit on top of your CD player and spin yourself into a turbulent vomit spraying death. Then we heard the new side project from the singer of Dream Theater and at this point I was about ready to start a pit against the side of Rawdog’s head, so it fit the moment perfectly. Finally, we got the pick of the week which was Deltron 3030 and if you like hip hop that takes some effort and intelligence to make instead of one famous friend with a voice modulator, then you ought to like this one. The guys took some calls on a wide range of topics, like moto, and marketing your own ass cleaning rags, and all Jason’s favorite shows on TBS, and why fourteen year olds should NEVER be listening to the show, especially when they could be going to school or cleaning their rooms, and cum rags and more about Wolf Wipes and moisturizing your anus cause god dammit it feels majestic, and having Ellis’ penis inside of people, and some other shit too. Some guy called in to prove that he is obviously one of those fans that only listens once every two weeks and never takes full advantage of the replays or on demand or NoYouAre.lixlink.com and it was funny hearing him get shit on. Which makes it a great time to hear some Johnny fucking Cash and remember why we should give him a reason to wear something a little more festive.
That was a “Man in Black” joke and I really hope I’m not the only one who got it.
Fuck the kids.
So, there’s a company called Darts motors, and in case you don’t remember, a couple years ago the boys found a news story about this company using whale foreskin to upholster the interiors of the cars they built, and some fruit nut and granola hippie got her fucking dreadlocked pubes all up in a bundle over this, so they came up with a synthetic whale foreskin to use instead. But recently, this company has gotten back in the news because Kanye mother fucking west is gonna be mounting a car seat in one of these vehicles, and each one is a $1.2 million armored high performance SUV. So really, fuck your problems, Kanye needs his baby to be swaddled in whale cock and be safe from a rolling IED. And what’s more, he needs two of these fucking monstrosities. And remember when Oprah went to Switzerland and tried to look at a $38,000 purse and the clerk told her she “probably couldn’t afford it”? Well, according to another guy at the store, Oprah is a DISHONEST CUNT and I’m really happy someone said it so that nobody can call me any names when I say it. Fuck the OWN network taking up space on my DirecTV channel lineup that could have perfectly good softcore porn or unedited BBC shows that don’t have the best 20 minutes cut out once it’s a rerun. And while we’re at it why the fuck am I paying so much for TV when 30 of my 145 channels are just different incarnations of the home shopping network? AND THE RELIGION CHANNELS?!?!?! I’VE BEEN DVR’ING ACTION MOVIES AND TEEN SEX COMEDIES AND EIGHTIES HORROR AND SCI-FI FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS AND YOU MOTHER FUCKERS THINK I NEED TWELVE DIFFERENT WAYS TO WATCH THE 700 CLUB?!?!?! *Ahem* but let’s ignore my issues, Tully wants to fuck Oprah and I sure hope he records it and makes it the creepiest slam session ever caught on film. Tully of course has thought it out long and hard and wants a really romantic environment that would satisfy the Oprah physically and mentally, much the way he wants to. I mean, it’s like a little girls wedding fantasy the way he had this shit all planned out. But the most important thing is that it would make him feel manly to make her cum, and god dammit that’s not weird, that makes you a real fucking man. Rawdog on the other hand, wouldn’t do it unless he could make her try his 7 inches and get drunk on dick on top of a pile of money, which would also make him a real man cause who the fuck doesn’t want to do that to somebody? Soulja boy got booted off an airplane cause he refused to sit down and kept pacing up and down the aisle fucking with one of the overhead bins. But lucky for him, he can just do the Super Man and get wherever he needs to go. Pendarvis almost got kicked off of a plane this weekend too when his kid had to sit way up at the other end of the plane and no one would trade seats with a glorious pair of shins. I’m gonna be taking a few plane rides in the near future and as long as some old lady doesn’t insist on asking me questions for five hours or some uppity cunt of a flight attendant doesn’t start harassing me about having my seat reclined a half a degree then I should have no problems. Of course, Rawdog had to go plug the shit out of that new bullet train that they’re planning to build between LA and SF, and while it may ease some traffic on the grapevine and free up a few spots in the airport, it would make more people think they need to migrate here and our traffic is fucked up enough as it is. Lindsay Lohan is in a movie that is only in one theater in America, and no one is going to see it, and that’s a shame cause this is her big break into softcore porn, which will eventually lead her into hardcore porn, which you’ve all wanted to see her in for years anyway because apparently nobody remembers that she was in that remake of The Parent Trap when she was like twelve and now that image is gonna haunt you every time you try and find all the stills of her naked on the internet from this movie so that you can snap a quick one off before you go visit your mom. And Amanda Bynes missed a court date and started crying uncontrollably about how fucked up shit is for her lately, and the fact that she’s crying is good cause people with real mental problems don’t have emotions the same way others do, so maybe she’s getting at least a little help. But fuck all that, Rob Dyrdek is making another TV show and that’s the most important thing that’s happened in the last few days, so you can just tune out of everything else now. There were some more phone calls about relationship stuff and whether you should let your girlfriend’s angry fucking attack dog watch when you’re busting her gash open. Personally, I’d just be glad it’s not a horse hanging out in the corner waiting for shit to happen. Things could get way worse than a few dog bites, if ya know what I mean.
Some dude wanted to talk some shit about the show on twitter, but was proven to be a dumbass. But more importantly, the guys have been getting a lot of submissions for the chance to sing with Death!Death!Die! live at the Hard Rock at EllisMania 9. They took a few minutes to judge some of them and see if they were any good. But first, they spent a little more time talking about being Oprah’s trophy husband and making her walk around the house in a dog collar and using her as a foot stool but still being a good enough guy to kill spiders and snuggle with her when it’s all stormy out. And about blackmailing her when you catch her face first in the trough gorging herself at three in the morning like a donkey eating a toaster waffle. But back to shitheads singing on Instagram for a shot at five minutes of crowd admiration at the Hard Rock. The reigning Lil’ Miss Ellis sent in quite a few and some of them were pretty good, but no conclusion on him being picked just yet. Another guy named Zach sang us some Pain of time and it was pretty god damn good. I’m sure there’s more but there’s plenty of time to find a winner. Tully started Ellis and Dingo off on a game to see how much they knew about history. First up, the Berlin Wall. Today is the anniversary of the ground breaking of the Berlin Wall. Dingo and Ellis both are not college graduates, so they had to spend a few minutes arguing about what the wall actually was and Dingo was a little closer to correct. And Charles Darwin was a guy who either gave lobotomies or might have been a pilot or something, or maybe he wrote a book about the royal family. Or maybe he came up with the theory of evolution, but it took a really long time for anybody in the room who didn’t know to figure out. The industrial revolution is when people started making music like Nine Inch Nails and Ministry and Thrill Kill Kult. But also, there was a bunch of wars about steel and aluminum and shit. The first Thanksgiving is when a bunch of pilgrims massacred a bunch of natives and then had a big feast to celebrate. And that was kind of the uneducated joke answer that Jason gave, but it’s also kind of the truth in a roundabout way, so to-MAY-to, to-MAH-to. Galileo was the dude from that Queen song that they sang at the beginning of Wayne’s World. He also loves house music and garlic bread. He might have also gone to war with the Spanish, or possibly Mexicans, but he was also a scientist who came up with the theory that the earth revolves around the sun. He also invented the back shaver. George Washington is not just on the one dollar bill, but he was not the first president, he has been the cause of lots of confusion whenever people say that they are from Washington and you have to ask if they mean the one up north or D.C. He also only served one presidential term and he killed werewolves. Leonardo DaVinci cut off his ear so he had to wear earmuffs, but then he invented headphones so that he could look cool and listen to music while he was out and about. Then the guys just brushed off that lame history shit when everyone dressed all fruity and lame and decided to take some phone calls. They were not as bad as a lot of the usual faire, but nothing too surprising or noteworthy. It was however, not a bunch of uncatalogued organ donors being let out of the pen to play with the talk box, so that actually was better than normal by quite a bit.
Back in my day, there used to be a kid in our neighborhood who would always wander around by himself, even late at night. One night, I saw him out my bedroom window and called out to him. I asked him what he was doing and he pulled his lower lip down and said “turnin’ rocks into gold, whatchoo want?” And I pulled out my chrome .45 and told him “I want everything in your pockets and I want you to never work my block again. Shit on lock out here, BIATCH!”
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,
