Afternoon, shit socks! First things first, lemme just get this out of the way and have you guys wish my mom a happy birthday, cause I’m a horrible son and I never use the phone and she’s a pretty fantastic lady. And if you hate my worthless life and feel she owes you some sort of apology for letting it happen, well then you can go fuck yourself with a broken pickaxe covered with AIDS and rusty brake shavings! YYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! Unfortunately though, it’s also Lindsay Lohan’s birthday, so we’re gonna have to hear about a whole bunch of stupid crap as well. Anyway, the show started off today with Ellis talking about pain killers and the horrible stereotype of women smelling like fish and how it’s all a load of crap. And also about how guys who are going bald should just commit to it cause there’s no trick haircut that can ever make you look right. Specifically, Tom Brady needs to just get over himself and embrace the dome. Ellis’ therapist gave his emotions a pretty decent workout last night, but it’s all in the name of progress. I’m sure there’s no one that can really say it’s a bad thing when someone wants to fix their problems, and since that’s exactly what drew a lot of people to the show back in the day, then good on ya mate! We salute your efforts. Ellis had a nice long spill session with the guys and relayed all the stuff he’s trying to work through right now. It sounds like he’s making good moves and has good people around to help him get in to tip top shape on all those parts above the neck. Tully and Rawdog were able to relate and give good feedback on all of what Ellis was talking about. It’s good to have friends. Come here and gimme a bro hug, dude. I SAID COME HERE AND HUG ME YOU FUCK UGLY MOOK!!! *ahem* Sorry, that’s just my, uhmm, vaginal mesh lawsuit, uhmm, acting up….Yeah…. But seriously, good people make other people better. There was some more talk about the new Death!Death!Die! album and all the fucking incredible musical treasures that will soon be available for public consumption. Rawdog put down a pretty good rap for the song “Jack the Cunt” but it was really Rude Jude that tied the whole thing together. Jason stayed out late at Dingo’s new house down in the ghetto practicing his tattooing last night. Tully gave us the rundown on why downtown LA is a fucking bad place to go. It’s full of really, really, REALLY angry, drug addicted, barter-town-esque homeless people and prostitutes. It would be the perfect place for Paris Hilton to be kidnapped and dropped and never heard from again, cause, y’know, she is kind of a spoiled self righteous obnoxious cunt. But hey, maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s totally normal to have your own face plastered all over your house anywhere that anybody might ever see it. Some guy called in to bogart Ellis’ therapy for a few minutes, his wife ran off and left him with two kids and he’s starting to crack under the pressure. Long story short, you can get over anything if you do the work and focus on a goal. There were some more calls, a lot of the usual faire, how does new music Tuesday work, hey did you hear bro…, you guys should…, y’know, normal stuff. Somehow the idea got floated for Ellis and the boys to do a ride along with the cops and maybe broadcast it live, to which my response is fuck yeah. And some NBA star got popped driving around with a shitload of illegal fireworks in his trunk, which is gangster as all fuck. Same dude also pulled a gun on one of his teammates, so shout out to keepin’ it real. This got to the topic of how people react when they get money and by and large it’s not good. I mean, look at that shithead Justin Bieber. Sounds like a good time for some classic riffs and a quick breather from all this exhausting talk radio.

Remember that smarmy little cock sweat receptacle Todd Burpo? Well, it turns out there’s some people on the opposite end of the pendulum who say they’ve been to HELL!!! and the party was way better, I’m sure. There were a few documented stories from some of these people, including one where some lady claimed to be god’s personal concubine, but one day god had to remind her that this dick ain’t gonna suck itself by giving her a first class visit to the fiery pit of damnation. Next we heard about a guy who got shot in the head and while he was in a coma but the coma was just a clever ruse, hiding THE DOORWAY TO THE GATES OF HADES!!! And it sounds like it was a pretty fucked up time, that probably had nothing to do with suffering a traumatic brain injury and then being pumped full of drugs for a month. There was another guy who was in the hospital on his deathbed and he started hearing voices calling to him but it turned out they were just baiting him into THE FIERY ABYSS THAT IS HOME TO THE ONE YOU CALL SATAN!!! And then they jumped him in to the crips and had angry buttsex with his limbless corpse. Next story was about a guy who had almost exactly the same experience, only this time all the demons torturing him were having a really bad case of whiskey dick. And another guy who was just hanging out in bed, and completely out of nowhere he was CAST INTO THE DOMINION OF THE FALLEN ANGEL LUCIFER!!! And when he woke up in a cell with two humongous beasts standing 2 and a half times his height, he somehow just knew their names and knew that they were going to buttfuck his soul, but very sweetly, like not rapey, just really aggressive, but compassionate, but very forceful, but definitely more interested in the other person’s satisfaction. This sparked some talk about religion and whether or not heaven or hell is real, and quite frankly until one of you assholes gets there and then figures out a way to actually come back from the dead (and not that two minute resuscitation shit, I mean like a few years later) no one is really gonna have it right and it’s all gonna be a bunch of people arguing for no real good reason. Hell, even when you get there there’s probably not gonna be a single person who got it right from a dumb guess or years of research or a talking piece of shrubbery that some dickhead set on fire. My apologies if I’m sounding anti religion, just try to focus on the here and now a little more and there’s so much you can enjoy. It’s a pretty great feeling. But then, I’ve seen people do really great things with themselves after finding a religion too, just don’t turn into Michelle Bachmann or Rush Limbaugh or Woody Allen. They all seem pretty devoted and pretty fucked up. That last part was all my opinion, nothing to do with the show, just dropping my own point of view, as I’m known to do from time to time here. But I digress, MIDGET HOOKERS AND TRUCK STOP SPEED!!! Okay, we’re back. The guys gave their own analogies and opinions on the whole topic of people claiming to go to heaven or hell or wherever they think they ended up. And then Tully showed the guys a YouTube clip of a Priest obviously masturbating under his robes during a church service, and I for one am not the slightest bit surprised that this exists. The guys analyzed the video for a couple minutes and gave a pretty good description of the whole scenario, dude has a big flowing robe on and he’s sitting down behind the pulpit, off to the side of the altar, and the robe is draped over his knees in a way that you might be able to get away with moving your wallet to a different pocket, but probably not much else. And this dude is really obviously giving his crank a yank, and the altar boys have already spotted it and started laughing and it’s all on video, immortalized on the internet for everyone to see and mock. A few people called in to give their two cents on the whole religion issue, and it was not the worst bunch of phone calls to ever come through the airwaves, most of the people at least had something sort of smart to say. Then Rawdog started talking about how important space exploration is because we can all agree that humans are destroying the planet, but if we don’t find a new one soon we’ll be done for in about twenty generations. And it’s mostly gonna be Tony Hawk’s fault because he uses air travel too much and wants to encourage more kids to be world traveling pro skateboarders. And on a more somber note, Pierce Brosnan’s daughter died of ovarian cancer, and it just goes to show you that even James Bond lives just like the rest of us. Let’s go have a five minute cry and get ready for the guest that’s gonna be coming in next.

So, some guy went to a liquor store to admit that he stole a carton of cigarettes, claiming that he took invisibility drugs to make it happen. The weird thing is, when he tried to pay for what he stole there wasn’t enough money on his debit card and when they checked the security tapes….THERE WAS NO ONE THERE!!! So maybe ghosts are real, or criminals know something we don’t. A lady came by the show to play dog psychic for Burger Ellis and see why she’s menstruating like a stuck pig and why she’s so dogtarded. Most people would agree that dogs kind of need to be trained and have lots of companionship and sometimes they have medical problems just like any other living creature might, not to mention she’s a puppy and they’re just full of piss and vinegar. This lady on the other hand, is a certifiable quack and is putting way too much stock in her imagination. But she seems to spend a lot of time with dogs so she may know a thing or two, but the rest is a pretty serious disconnect with reality. Ellis seemed to catch on after a little while and humored her for a bit and Burger probably didn’t mind getting played with and petted by a new friend for a while (cause, y’know, she’s a dog and they tend to be into that kind of thing). So, I guess Burger is gonna grow up and be a mellow dog that doesn’t wreck shit, as long as someone can be around to pay attention and take care of her and discipline her. That’s why my old dog was such a shithead, I was a 14 year old with no interest in being responsible for anything, not to mention he was a breed of dog that’s known for being really difficult to train. But hey, let’s talk about this lady who’s talking to the dog like it’s people or something. I didn’t see her on EllisMania.com yet but her voice sounds like my penis could slide in there pretty easily, the only problem I’d have with it is hanging out with her long enough to talk her in to it. Crazy bitches are probably my least favorite thing in the world. It’s that part where you have to hear them talk. Seriously, I don’t mind hearing what women have to say, it’s just that some of them don’t have anything to say that’s worth listening to. And a dog whisperer is probably one of those people. And then the dog whisperer started talking about all her many exploits helping not just dogs, but cats and snakes and spiders and all kinds of other shit as well. And I guess she’s got a TV show coming soon too, so I know what I won’t be DVR’ing. Just to be clear, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just happen to have hung out with a psychic when she was off the clock and she was drunk enough to admit to me that the whole psychic thing is a lukewarm jug of goat piss. I will say though, it’s great that she does all the dog rescue stuff but the psychic thing should be kept behind closed doors where it can fester and die and stop being so annoying. But we did get another wonderful retelling of the wolf knife laser torch story that brought out a little bit of humanity in this batshit animal whisperer. This whole visit went on way too long but I had a chance to finish up a few rounds of sudoku on my phone. There were some great background jokes though, Ellis being a sick twisted fuck and trying to talk to the dog whisperer like an adult, things like that. If you didn’t take the whole thing seriously, it was actually kind of funny.

Some lady who used to work at a chicken joint recalled the straw that broke the camel’s back when one night, the manager called her into the kitchen to sample a new dish and stuffed her mouth full of magic mushrooms! She didn’t quite know what it was at first, but after she started tripping over her own feet and floating through the room and seeing pretty colors all over the place and shit and now she’s trying to sue the asshole who dosed her. The same chicken joint has been in the news after the owner got into a twitter fight with some guy over whether or not the chicken was free range and the owner snapped and started making really violent threats at him. Sounds to me like they’ve mad their chicken a real party. If you remember back when MTV still had music videos, there was a VJ named Kennedy and she has just written a memoir alleging that Michal Jordan was trying really hard to get a piece of that ass no matter how many times she shot him down. She claims that she was a virgin and that MJ’s dick would have carved her up like a Christmas ham. And if you’re following the whole Paula Deen thing, you’ll be really happy to know that she got a six figure offer to do porn! Whole new meaning to “Buttery Ass Mondays”, am I right? And if you don’t believe that modern music is a steaming load of shit like I do, you’ll probably think twice when you find out that Avril Lavine and Chad Kroeger got married yesterday! And since Kim and Kanye’s baby is the harbinger of the apocalypse here in America, Avril and Chad will surely be the creators of the Canadian version, which I’m sure will be a much more polite rapture and eternal suffering. There were some final calls that remind us all of the future of society and why birth control should be mandatory for about 85% of people, especially Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavine. Alicia Silverstone has a new website and unfortunately it’s not hardcore porn, but it is a place where vegan moms can share breast milk with all the other vegans who cant produce enough on their own because they don’t take in enough protein. So, sort of pornish, but not quite? She also did a baby bird video feeding her kid and that’s not porny at all, which sucks cause we all would have wanted to see her get slammed against a wall with something the size of a Foster’s can massacring her vagina. Lou Reed is NOT doing another album with Metallica, but he did get a liver transplant recently and he’s just getting well enough to go back out on tour. More phone calls, and stuff, and banter, and a bunch of shit, y’know, winding down the day. I don’t work that hard the last few minutes of my day, so I don’t fault Ellis for any of the last few minutes. That’s all on the audience. Will Pendarvis came in to relay a story Tom Green told about ghosts, but it didn’t go anywhere. There was more talk about ghosts and how most people who see them probably have other shit they need to work out that has nothing to do with dead people rearranging their furniture. Then some dude called in with a shitty Christopher Walken impression and the whole thing went to shit. But not for lack of trying, and the rest of it was pretty enjoyable.

When I was growing up, there was a kid in my neighborhood who used to hang out real late at night, get picked up and dropped off by different people all the time and always seemed to need money for something but wouldn’t tell anybody what. One day, I asked him if he wanted to come in for some food and he told me “Only thing hungry is these arms, homey” and I said to him “well come on over, we might have something for that.” As soon as he stepped in my front door, he started asking how much I’d pay him for a blow job and I smacked the shit out of him and said “YOU WORK FOR ME NOW, BIATCH!!! NOW GET BACK ON THAT CORNER AND BRING ME ANYTHING YOU EARN TONIGHT” and just like that, it was my first day on the job as part of the family business.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

MAY THINE CART WHEELS BE SQUARE AND THY SISTERS HEAD MADE OF CABBAGE!!! Whoops, fuck, sorry about that, had a telemarketer on the line just as I started typing. How’s it going guys? It’s time for another extra special recap of The Jason Ellis Show. You just sit back and wait till your creepy old uncle has his “medicine” (AKA cocaine, whippets, chili fries and vodka) and you’ll be taken on a very wonderful journey that you shouldn’t tell your parents about! The show started with Jason giving Dom shit for nothing in the studio being updated after yesterday’s show. He sounded pretty fucking pissed off too. And then there was a bunch of other stuff that was disorganized and not getting done. And much like he commonly does, he went to the extreme with letting Dom know how he feels. It kinda felt like listening to your parents yell at each other, and so I just kinda tuned out for the most part. It sucks to listen to. I’m not one to join all the people complaining but this is the shit I just ignore till something else happens. Pendarvis and Rude Jude kind of came in to make some more reasonable statements about the whole situation, but it was still kind of a wash. But Ellis did say he would try the donut challenge again, so maybe better things are in store for the listeners a little way down the line. A couple callers weighed in on both sides of it, it was like a shitty therapy session. I’ve had plenty of those, I don’t need to rehash it while I’m trying to eat lunch and have a laugh. They changed the subject and talked movies for a while. Jason saw “This is The End” which I also saw over the weekend, and it was fucking hilarious, so go check it out. Ellis was really happy that AJ from the Backstreet Boys was in the movie when they did a big musical number at the end. This led to talk of Ellis learning the dance from “Backstreet’s Back” and how Tully didn’t know anything about them until they had come “Back”. Tully got all intellectual talking about music and comebacks and how the Backstreet Boys may still have plenty of loyal fans but they’ll probably never be number one again just because the kids keep finding newer and shittier things that they follow for a few months then throw away like a used condom. Rawdog is still doing the Onnit primal challenge, and Ellis has been training for his next bout at EllisMania, they’re both pushing along even though they’re stretching pretty far out in the limits of what they can do. Shannon Gunz has been talking a whole bunch of shit on Rawdog in preparation for EllisMania as well. And Josh hasn’t been doing anything in particular that’s all too different from his normal routine that might help him win, but it should still be a good show nonetheless. Some dude called in because his brother was a cop and he pulled over some girl for a broken tail light and he was just gonna give her a warning, until she offered him a taste of honey pot then he went back to his car and wrote her a ticket for being a shithead. And you’d probably be surprised how often women and men offer themselves or their friends to the police to get out of taking responsibility for running stop signs and shit. A lot of them are kind of haggard and shit though, so it’s kind of a gamble if you decide to take them up on it. Plus, cop cars are have cameras on the front and back and inside so getting away with it even if you rope one that might be worth a few minutes of your penis’s time. If you’re really lucky though, you’re get partnered up with a full on Taco Bumper straight out of the academy and she’ll take you out trolling when you’re on the beat. Careful though, you might just get a bunch of guys looking to get a taste of your chili ring. Jason did an interview for some documentary on the UFC last night and it might be worth watching if that’s your thing. While he was there he got valet treatment on his Porsche and the two guys couldn’t figure out what the hell to do with it cause it’s not like parking a car is all that difficult, but then some third valet came over and he was a total dude bro guy bro dude guy bro dude guy bro duder brah and it turns out he was a huge fan of the show, so Jason got the VIP treatment and some shithead had the best dude bro day ever bro. And a quick update to joining the police force for sex, get a phone number and do that shit after hours, otherwise you might end up getting pistol whipped in front of a big crowd of people. Or even worse, accidentally have that shit broadcast on the police band radio and EVERYBODY’S gonna hear the ridiculous noises you make when you’re getting your crankshaft lubed.

Last month, some lady in Washington, who decided to go on an all air diet six months ago and live stream it on the internet, but today she pulled out LIKE A BIATCH!!! Apparently her body’s need for food and water trumped her natural hippie desire to be ridiculed for making stupid fucking assumptions about how things are supposed to work when we all have free spirited children inbreeding with each other in some nature compound in the god damn forest where everything that is taken is returned to the earth, except for the drugs cause you can’t grow opium poppies and coca trees in America and every night there’s a drum circle where everyone airs out their fucking dreadlocked pubes in front of a campfire and sings Krishna chants that are translated incorrectly into what is probably a reenactment of an Adolf Hitler speech. I lived with hippies, I know what I’m talking about here people. There was a game cooked up for the interns to see if they’re any good at following directions (not a stab at anyone else in the building, I’m sure). The guys were asked questions and had to basically answer everything and read it out loud on the air. Right out of the gate, Anal Gay Lewis believes that he is “The leader in following orders”, which would be funny if it weren’t so hard to process why someone would say that. But he was quickly put in last place finishing the written part of the test by the other two interns blasting right through it. Then, Anal Gay fucked the whole thing in the ass by doing the entire test when the only thing he had to do was write his name. So, kudos to all the fucktards who continue showing us our tax dollars hard at work in the public school system. The guy from Chik-Fil-A is still a homophobic shithead and doesn’t deserve your money, plus the food is probably the same kind of over processed crap that caused a 24 year old Joshua Richmond to get kidney stones twice, so it’s a bad idea to eat there no matter what. Plus he’s a rich white man, and they’ve had their turn, so it’s time to take the reins and mercilessly whip him with them while passing the torch to the new generation. And Tully with his Oxford education came out and posterized the religious right’s argument against gay marriage, and then did an end-zone dance all over a god hates fags picket sign. Next up in the fight for civil rights, Hot dog filled tacos!!! Which I think I’ll make this weekend just to prove a point and piss a few people off. Rawdog read off some more of the many statements that people make about how gay marriage is gonna destroy all of society, and bridges are gonna drive up the divorce rate and pedophiles are gonna be filing income taxes (instead of being tax free employees of the church (WHOOPS WAS THAT OUT LOUD?!?!??!)) and how Kat Von D is now single by way of dumping Deadmaus on twitter, cause that’s pretty much the be all end all of modern civilization. Deadmaus couldn’t give a fuck that Kat Von D is gone, and I’d probably feel the same way if it was my situation and she was airing my dirty laundry. Hell, I’d probably start a few hundred different twitter accounts just for the sake of blocking and reporting her for spam, just to be a cunt. There were some more phone calls about gay rights and gay people and all things gay and how it’s all a load of shit if you’re really that bent out of shape about it. The only time someone else’s sexual orientation affects me, IS IF I’M TRYING TO FUCK THEM. Other than that, it’s a pretty pointless argument. Not to go too far riding the gay rights train, it would just be nice if more people could shut the fuck up about things that aren’t really problems. Rant over, time for Avenged Sevenfold’s gayest song. Shit! I was really liking those guys too…

So, Scottie Pippen got in a fight a few days ago and today the guy who got his ass kicked piped up to give his two cents on the situation,. He saw Scottie at a restaurant and (allegedly) asked for a picture in the restaurant, got it, then asked him again on the way out and in the parking lot, Scottie said “no mother fucker” and bashed him in the head with a shoe. Cause that’s totally how Pippen would roll. Of course, like most celebrity coat tail riders he was probably just butt hurt that his sports stars don’t bend over backwards to do shit for him like they don’t have their own fucking lives or anything. And that Aaron Hernandez guy is probably gonna be on his way to jail for a long time cause he’s currently under investigation for murdering a bunch of people. And he’s doing a great job leaving evidence while trying to get rid of anything that could be used as evidence. The interns got called back in for another test of how well they can follow directions and it wouldn’t have surprised me if Anal Gay fucked up again, this time the test was origami. They tried to have Dom test it out before the show and he got as far as making one of those paper fortune tellers that little kids used to make fun of their friends. While the interns were making origami cranes, the guys had a new game to play where they had to guess what celebrity makes what sex noises! Reaching pretty far for the premise, but it sounds like it could be interesting. Right out of the gate was Rawdog with the worst Brad Pitt ever complete with him telling Angelina Jolie to kill all the zombies. Next, Tully gave us an instantaneously recognizable James Hetfield. Jason’s first turn was impossible to place because it was just kind of every sound you could use to make fun of somebody, but Rawdog’s first guess was spot on for Jim Carrey! Round and round it went with awesome impressions of people like Johnny Depp, Charlie Sheen, Woody Allen (Which was actually supposed to be Woody Harrelson, but Ellis fucked it up cause he can’t read), Adam Sandler, Jack Nicholson, Michael Jackson, one that I really hoped was Dikembe Mutumbo but actually turned out to be Sylvester Stallone, Paul Hogan and Jackie Chan, with Ellis ultimately being crowned the winner. The loser had to spin the wheel of doom, and since it was Rawdog, he took a spin and landed on the MMA gauntlet, but got a do over and landed on vibrating panties. At this point it was about 25 minutes since the interns were told to make origami cranes and not a god damn one of them was able to accomplish what a second grader can in a tenth of the time, not to point no elbows or nothing, just  worth pointing out. Tully found a story that Oprah was the most powerful celebrity in the world, then got ousted for a quick minute by Jennifer Lopez, then knocked that ass off the perch and reclaimed the throne. Tussin Wolf came back in the studio with his buzzing undies on, and with shame in his heart for the pleasure which dare not speak it’s name, he sat quietly for a few minutes while Ellis and Tully talked about Forbes magazine for a little while. Jetta came in with the first of three origami cranes, and actually was the first by a long shot. Anal gay also finished, but proved himself the last place contender because he forgot that he was supposed to come back in when he was finished. Anal started getting a little pissy and it turned in to another argument with Jason. It didn’t get as bad as earlier, but it’s still another load of bullshit. I mean, it was just supposed to be some whoreigami. Granted, the Japanese take shit really seriously, but even this is going kind of far. There was more talk about all the most powerful celebrities, and maybe two of them have a shred of respect from me, so I didn’t bother keeping track of who got ranked where. But since most of what is sold to the public as news is a steaming bowl of elephant piss anyway, you can probably just ignore this list. Next test for the interns was making a smoothie and Jetta came in first again with a neatly layered smoothie with all of the ingredients floating on top of one another and coating the glass like a fine mixologists creation. Anal Guy started another argument for not making the smoothie, and sure it’s more bullshit, but he kind of had a point. Once again, tensions high in the studio today. Everyone’s a bear and they all keep poking each other. Right about now is final calls time, and like I’ve said before, the public lets me down constantly. Apparently Rawdog is over protective of his girlfriend and totally advertises that he’s dating her by sticking his tongue down her throat as a show of dominance and assertion that he’s committing insertion on that. And all the people who run all the biggest companies are probably assholes hell bent on making the world a worse place for any person who’s not exactly like them. James Woods’ 20 year old girlfriend got arrested for felony drug charges a few days ago, so if that makes you love that guy a little bit more than I salute you. James Woods also live tweeted a game of poker that he was playing, cause he really is just that fucking awesome. And there’s some crazy slug that some guy found at a lake in Australia. You could probably Google it. One guy called in to redeem the fans by letting Ellis and the crew know that they are totally audible through the phone, and that people are idiots by and large. Tully floated the idea of getting a supergroup together for the next EllisMania concert, and some good names got floated, such as Ozzy, Drew Barrymore, and even Werewolves! Some lady called in to ask what the guys thought about her getting acupuncture to help her get pregnant, and the guy kind of knows she wants a baby but he doesn’t know she’s really trying to get knocked up. The good advice gods smiled on this situation, and this lady got the message that her and her man need to talk the shit out and be a hundred percent clear about it before they bring a life into the world, and she’s got a pretty twisted view of how it’s supposed to work. Long story short, some ladies really do need a locking device for their vaginas. I mean, really. Fucking seriously, it’s just good for the whole planet in absolutely every way.

I normally end these with a satirical life lesson, but today I’m gonna do something different. Leave your best ending on the comment section here or on twitter, addressed to me @shit_toboggan (don’t forget to follow me so I can DM you) and the one that sounds best to me will get some Red Dragons/EllisMate stickers in the mail.

Stay Frosty, mother fuckers ,,rr,