Huh? What? Fuck you, you mean I gotta take a break from my internet porn addiction and do something productive? Well then what the hell did I show up to work for? So many god damn questions and the answers will drive you crazy before bringing any internal peace. But hey, it’s lunch time and there’s lots of good places to eat near work, plus we’ve got THE KING OF THE WEST to make the time go by a little faster. So let’s get into it, shall we? Ellis started the show FROM HIS NEW STUDIO WHICH IS MUCH FURTHER FROM RAWDOG’S HOUSE THAN THE OLD ONE SO HE GETS TO TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF HIS NEW TOYOTA PRIUS’S AWESOME GAS MILEAGE talking about how the new studio is not set up the way the old one is, and although it’s way better, it lacks that “lived in” charm. But hey the soundproofing is awesome, they can actually hear the phones ringing out in their new green room/prize chamber/mobile crime scene. And the microphones sound funny and Josh was kinda fading in and out and I got mentioned for reporting it and there were sound level issues but fuck it, it’s tuesday, they have four more days before the weekend to twist the nipples till it squeals just right. And there’s a funny corporate, hospitally kind of smell but that just means you take your job seriously even though none of them do cause they worked at SwingHouse for the last eight years. Just kidding guys, we all know you take your job seriously. Except for Josh. And Rude Jude could probably take it or leave it but would get by just fine without. But on the plus side, everybody has a parking space and their own knob!!! And when Pendarvis tried to talk to the guys nobody listening at home could hear all the racist, sexist, hillbilly shit that normally comes flowing out of his mouth when he doesn’t think anyone’s listening. The guys tried taking a phone call and the phone works great, just a loose nut on the other end of the line. And everybody on twitter was kinda bummed out that the door doesn’t squeak anymore and you can’t hear the traffic and construction crews outside. Jason has gotten horribly addicted to that Mio water flavoring stuff mixed with Perrier water and Will said he’d bring him a case of both for a blowy after the show. Jason declined and started sorting out the audio levels for the button bar and voice altermacation machine and then yelled at Pendar for not having them all organized in advance. So basically, the guys just spent the early part of the show nesting and marking their territories with NO CHOTCHKI’S, so blood, piss and cumshots are all over the walls and it’s only day one. And then we heard Shannon ShenanigunzGunz Gunz panting loudly while Tom Hanks yelled the name “Wilson” over and over again, like he’s fucking her and thinking of a volleyball with a hand print on it. Jason toyed with the idea of having a hidden camera reality show where he would have Metallica sneak up on people and belt out the opening from Master of Puppets on the unsuspecting victims. Then the guys started cooking up ideas about having metal bands go perform for remote tribes that have never seen electricity. After talking a while about Andrew W.K. smashing himself in the face with a brick, the guys started contemplating what it would be like if the Jews hadn’t caused humanity to evolve with protruding noses. And anthropomorphic shit like having a six inch prehensile nose and how it would probably look like a cock, but you could totally be that much lazier when you eat buffalo wings, plus you could make one of the best sad faces ever by letting your trunk-cock-nose droop and sway when you get bummed out. And with all this talk of dick, the guys couldn’t help but notice that they now have a mirrored ceiling. So if anybody’s gonna be doing some fucky fucky before heading home for the day, they’ve got their own porno set to do it in. And there’s a great view from the new place too! Right down every female guest’s top when you look in the mirrored ceiling! And out to some hills and shit too but that’s really secondary to tits. And while we’re on the subject of tits, the next Corey Feldman extravaganza may include a live edition of the Jason Ellis show! And maybe they can finally figure out what REALLY killed Corey Haim. Rawdog and Pendarvis got into an argument about proper nutrition after Josh “heard” will say something about eating fruit off of corn starch, because that’s totally normal and a great way to get one serving each of two of the more important food groups, all at once. And god damn if they dind’t think of the best collaboration project/cover song ever, but we may hear Death!Death!Die! covering Corey Feldman’s “Ascension Millenium” cause what better way to drag that song out of the acid bath than to have a comedy metal band cover it? Granted, it’s a fucking awesome comedy metal band, I’m just saying, it’s not like Rhianna’s gonna try to bring that spotlight back around to you. Not nearly as well as Alien Ant Farm did when they covered that has been Michael Jackson. And on that note, time for the first break in the new digs so the boys can collectively smash some shit and make the place their own.
So here’s a question for you, if one of your favorite bands was talking some internet shit about one of your other favorite bands, would you propose a musical death match to determine once and for all which one is truly the master of their domain? Well, Rob Flynn from Machine Head was giving Avenged Sevenfold a bit of friendly ribbing about their new album. He gave a quick review of their new album including a few ball busters and a top ten list of what he considered the best jokes he could write about them. And since a couple of the jokes maybe weren’t that funny, maybe it’s fair to say that Avenged is not a joke of a band and has earned the respect of another guy who’s a pretty impressive force in the world of metal. Tully, being the intellectual powerhouse of musical knowledge that he is, broke it all down in a way that made everyone stay friends and we all gathered round the burning trash can, cooked up a bit o’ the old black tar heroin, and made s’mores while sacrificing a goat. Apparently the new A7X album has a lot of songs where you can pick bits and pieces out and find exactly where they got the vibe from a bunch of classic metal congs, but what’s really important is that if it’s catchy, and hot freaky metal chicks will fuck you for playing it, and maybe you can make a few million bucks doing it, well then why the fuck wouldn’t you? They’ve even admitted that they are doing their best to make music that is true to metal’s roots, so really, there’s no reason to talk any shit, cause nobody else is doing synchronized lead breaks anymore cause the kids would rather hear Dan Fogelberg shit his lungs out all over Woodstock nine. The guys talked music and about all the stuff they liked for a while, and made a point to shit all over a lot of people who have legitimately sucked for most of their careers. Tully has been a great co-host and has been keeping a list of all the stuff they might want to add to the next EllisMania just to put the cherry on top of the whole event. So far, they’re still looking for a fill in singer for the D!D!D! concert, no word from Tera Patrick on how badly she’s gonna skull fuck Sam Rubin, Little Miss Jason Ellis contest (which I’m almost considering entering), Wilson Pendarvis Butt-Judging (it’s not rape, but it could be) and of course the last few bits of cannon fodder to wander into the ring for all the multi-competitor fights. But luckily, we all know that Gabe Ruediger is gonna be training like Rocky 6 for the whole event. And while we’re on the subject, science thinks they’ve finally figured out what makes men shitty fathers, and in case you guessed wrong, it’s them big old flapping testicles you got. That’s why you’re a shitty parent. So if you’ve got huge balls, just be ready now for your son to get arrested for robbing a liquor store and your daughter to appear in a future spank video purchase. I’m just trying to warn you guys, if you got nuts so big you could ride them like a mini horse, it’s probably a good idea not to let them get anybody pregnant. We got enough shithead kids out there without you fucking up the curve even more than your kind already have. There was some more idle chit-chat and shit and talk of fanciful future adventures for the show and it’s crew, but for now, how about some Avenged Sevenfold?
There was a guy in Michigan who’s house was about to get torn down and he got the bright idea to switch the number on his house with the guy next door, AND GOD DAMN IF IT DID’NT WORK LIKE A FUCKING CHARM!!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHHA But seriously that’s fucked up, cause everybody in the neighborhood wanting that shithole gone and it was coming close to being a crackhouse anyway so it was due to be razed in a somewhat biblical fashion. BUT THAT SHIT MEANS NOTHING BECAUSE THE JEWISH CLAWS ARE BACK TO RIP YOUR EARDRUMS APART WITH A ROUSING EDITION OF NEW MUSIC TUESDAY THAT PROBABLY WILL NOT BE WORTH AS MUCH FANFARE AS I’M GIVING IT BUT WE WILL STILL LISTEN CAUSE SOMETHING BETTER WILL HAPPEN AFTERWARDS!!! Probably. Good time to have a stretch and grab a snack folks, just saying. First one we heard today was a new joint by 2Chainz and Ellis nixed it before plying one note because 2Chainz can suck a barrel full of cock. And then Ellis saw a picture of himself next to Oprah so I think we all know who our next target is. And then Wilson came in to fix the CD player so that we could actually listen to the rest of new music Tuesday and the townspeople rejoiced. Tully broke in for a second to play a bluegrass cover of Metallica’s Enter Sandman and I heard this on the internet yesterday and god dammit it was actually pretty good, and that’s from somebody who fucking despises bluegrass. Oh, and we heard 2Chainz and it was a waste of studio time for everyone involved. After that we heard the new one from the Arctic Monkeys and Britain still hasn’t recovered from Oasis breaking up, so this is the best they got. It wasn’t terrible, but nothing I’d try to pay for *cough cough bring back limewire cough cough*. Next up we got to hear Keith Urban being an Australian cowboy and having a hairstyle that would work if you’re not a cowboy or Australian. After that was some guy named Willis Earl Beale doing a bluesey number and after recording twenty seconds of tuning his guitar and a sound sample of some shit that Gnarls Barkley might have already recorded, we got to hear some proper blues vocals which tied it together fairly well. Next was one of the singles from Rise Against’s new b-sides and covers album and if anybody could cover Any way you want it by Journey better, well you’re welcome to try and fight four angry anarchist vegans from Chicago to see if you’re right. Then we got a taste of MIA doing whatever incredibly worldly hipsterish thing she’s doing now, so that’s what that was. Then we all collectively wished the dick punching machine would have made it’s way to the new studio, but that remains to be seen at the moment. After that we heard what is supposed to be the farewell offering from Ministry and it may not ding a lang dang your dang long ling long but it would be worth checking out the rest of the album. And if I’m the only person who knows what Ministry song I just quoted, then you can all go fuck yourselves cause I’m gonna go hang myself in a broom closet. Next up we got to hear 14 Karat and as far as rap goes these days it had a nice strong dose of funk, but it took way too long to get to the lyrics so fuck it, next one, which was the new single from Boy/Head featuring THE LEGENDARY Kim Gordon from THE LEGENDARY Sonic Youth and if you liked Sonic Youth you probably wrecked a perfectly good pair of draws when you cum and shat all over yourself, but to the rest of us it was just indie rock. After that was a suggestion from the intern Jetta, for a band called Moving Mountains and it had some wonderful undertones of being born with a silver spoon and a paper plate in front of you while you were being fed caviar and Wonderbread. Next up was some dude who calls himself The Weekend and if you’re into abstract hipster shit that would be really good mixed with a little bit of cocaine and molly, then you’ll love this shit. And finally for Rawdog’s pick of the week we heard the new single by Janelle Monet and if that name sounds familiar, it’s because for no clear reason at all, her name was plastered all over a Sonos iPod speaker commercial where herself and a family of black hipsters (who I must remind you, do not exist, because their blackness is too great and powerful to let them become something as lame as hipsters) are all dancing in their living room on a carpet that is actually a sheet of Bermuda grass all dressed in their Sunday best like they just got back from a wedding or some shit. And lemme just say, this track would probably not be on anybody’s radar without a guest appearance from Erykah Badu, cause it’s the same shit we’ve been hearing on the R&B pop stations for a long fucking time. But on the plus side, it has brought Rawdog around to the side of all white men who really wanna bang a black girl at some point in their life, so go get him ladies.
So if you troll all the news websites you might have come across a video of Eminem doing an interview during a college football halftime show where they played the new video for his song Berzerk and found him looking a little spacey and nonchalant in most of his answers, almost like he’d rather just make music and not do press junkets, OR MAYBE HE’S BACK ON THE PILLS but maybe he just hates being interviewed by sports announcers that have no business doing music interviews. Wilson came in to help sort out more of the technical difficulties like making the voice altermacation machine work and the guys played around with that for a while. We also got to find out that Dingo was a great baby and his mom doesn’t suck the cock, but we all have moms and we’ve all had or been a girl at some point or another so we know that can’t possibly be true. While sorting out the voice machine issues, i was revealed that during testing before the show, Jason caught Wilson practicing with the voice machine and saying some shit that was just epic. We got a dramatic reenactment from the man himself and that was pretty wonderful. Pendar as an 18-65 year old slutty chick is pretty fucking funny. And then trying to transition from old lady back to young is kinda scary in that really whorish in a bad way kind of vibe. Then Will just started playing with all the buttons and changing voices mid sentence and we landed on the Intergalactic Pervert, who is quite possibly the next big thing in special guest appearances. Ever wonder which non actor on air personality makes the most money in TV today? You might be shocked to know that it’s Judge Judy, who is pulling down a staggering $47 million in afternoon courtroom reality money that I have to believe is probably at least in part paid by taxpayers so that she can re-up on her Geritol and disposable catheters. If I haven’t said it yet today, YOU let this happen America, YOU. LET. THIS. HAPPEN. Just gotta make sure we’re clear on that. Josh tried to break in with a story about Apple and some new announcement they had about upgrading Siri but it still won’t give you a blowjob and costs a fuckload more than it should for what is technologically a tricycle. And besides, Siri is a lying fucking cunt, so BURN IN HELL STEVE JOBS! That may be going a little far, how about we just lynch Ashton Kutcher for playing him in that movie? We cool on that? Sweet. Gwyneth Paltrow got caught on video riding a Vespa with her daughter on the back and dicing shit up in traffic like she would be really happy to have one less mouth to feed, so shout out to the most beautiful woman and best parent in the world. Shoebox came b to check out the new digs and he was so impressed with it he just had to show up in his pajamas for such an auspicious occasion. There was some discussion of how the place was gonna be decorated and how bad it probably is gonna get wrecked once somebody breaks down and decides to start making good use of that porn studio ceiling. Shoebox is lucky enough to live right around the corner from the new studio so he can stroll over pretty much whenever he wants to double bass the shit out of something and overmodulate the voice levels. The guys talked about how great it’s gonna be being the crazy guys in the corporate building, high fiving everybody when they get off the elevator and being way too pumped about the work day. But on the plus side, the valet is a great kid. There was some debate about where honey comes from when Josh made the statement that bees are full of honey, but not quite, it’s the byproduct of bees who are bulimic. In the process of the debate, it was found that this is one of those rare times when the dog is actually not as far off as he normally is. Apparently it’s a whole big process where bees are actually all swapping vomit like one of the more fucked up Greek orgies from way back in the day, so score half of one for the Tussin Wolf. The guys took some phone calls about vasectomies, fucked up album covers, everybody’s wife shitting on them, if and when the Ellis channel is going to happen, Rawdog riding a bike, and a whole lot of congratulations on the new studio. Cue the Enter The Dragon theme song aaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndddddddddd……….
SCENE!
In my youth, there was a wise old man in my neighborhood who used to walk around dispensing knowledge to anyone who passed. He would say things like “Help me out with a little change, man”, a touching reminder of how the good nature of humanity is falling by the wayside, and “Fuckin’ pigs took my suitcase, I had all my shit in it!” to remind us all that greed was the quickest path to self destruction. One day, he stopped me and said “Hey kid, you gotta buy this fax machine off me real quic before somebody comes looking for it” and as I pondered the deeper meaning of this request, seven guys hopped out of a Chevy Suburban with one of the windows broken out and proceeded to stomp his internal organs into a fine gruel.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
