Thursday recap of The Jason Ellis Show is being brought to you by…a woman, again. I know you might be a little nervous, taking something so manly from a little lady, but just relax, I’ll try and make it as enjoyable as possible. Back to your regular programming, Ellis and Tully have rejoined Rawdog back in Los Angeles riding the high of their success in NY, but Ellis is feeling slightly sleep deprived and needs some ginseng up his ass (even though it’s a load of shit and no time is as good as the first time).

Ellis is having a good week, as we all know- he conquered New York and got everything that he wanted, Katie found a box of clothes in the garage which held some goodies that helped him feel more comfortable after not training and eating brownies with ice cream and grilled cheese and chicken fingers, his Porsche has no scratches on it despite being parked sooooooooo close to the wall, he is still getting a Suzuki bike, and it all amounts to him being able to deal with his beard growing out and touching his lips. I never knew before that there was so much thought put into de-weaponizing facial hair for the benefit of the ladies, and I shall go forth more appreciative of not being subjected to getting my cheek grated off every time I want a hug.

Naturally, there was more (somewhat vague) talk about the pending changes coming to the show, and no…Ellis and Tully still can’t believe that it’s really happening. Ellis is planning on calling Tim Sabean just to see if he remembers the ’tattooed guy’ because it otherwise might have all been a dream (that he may later have to interpret). This brought about talk of instituting a Sabean Shake every time they talk in person, because no one would forget a conversation where they were shaken at the end of it, probably for fear of being shaken even harder the next time. 10 years from now we’ll probably be hearing about the new Shaken Sabean Syndrome, which will widely affect people in positions of moderate power trying to give a helping hand to awesome people. We learned that we will be soon losing the smartest intern ever, Jetta, who thinks that he could be the producer and get George Clooney on the show without calling New York. The idea was also tossed around that Ellis would tattoo information about the new improved show/channel on his balls which he would post on Instagram. I think it was decided that there would be a stunt sack, probably Cumtard’s, because it’s listed as a profession on his business card.

The new season of Ultimate Fighter premiered and Ellis watched it on DVR even though his special friend fell asleep and was mad at him for it when she found out. But it’s his job, which is the best excuse ever. This season features male and female fighters in the house, and the guys gave us their opinions of the female fighters based on their headshots and what Ellis said of them. One chick is a nerdy Jay sans Silent Bob (and a good contender) and there’s another woman who is doing it all for her baby……yeah. Rawdog seems to want to see a fight between the best male fighter and the best female fighter, possibly to make him feel better about fighting a woman at Ellismania, but no…there will be both a male and female Ultimate Fighter who won’t have to fight each other causing special interest groups to have the show cancelled and erased from history forever. The men and women contestants will be sharing a house, but it sounds like the bulk of possible romantic shenanigans would be between the females only. Not that anyone would really complain about that. But can you imagine bitches who can fight ripping each others hair out over each other? I can…and I’m going to find a place to pitch this spin off.

If you could either have AIDs or be a vampire, which would you choose? I’m with Ellis on the whole vampire thing, so long as I was an awesome vampire who didn’t feel bad about eating people and got to wear cool clothes and be hot forever, and not a sparkly Robert Pattinson vampire (because otherwise I would also choose AIDs). Tully and Rawdog aren’t quite sold on being vampires and would rather live out their newly shortened lives swallowing a pharmacy in the morning. I mean, come on!!!! Vampires! Don’t feel bad about eating people, you don’t feel bad about eating burgers! It’s just the food chain. Ellis would be the Ultimate Vampire Fighter, never have to worry about cutting weight (because vampires don’t gain weight) and he’d have the self control to not devour his opponent after being him to a pulp because he knows how to fuck shit up without blowing his cover. Night surfing wouldn’t be a problem cause you could hear a shark coming, rip it in half if it tried to bite you, and escape with barely having to touch your toes to the water. Yes, I am that creepy bitch who spends too much time thinking about the perks of being a vampire. The only thing that concerns me is being a vampire in the zombie apocalypse…a point no one managed to bring up.

Eddie Murphy has popped back on the music scene and released a reggae album with a song with collaborating Snoop Lion. This is your New Music Tuesday on Thursday (not Tuesday or Wednesday), complete with Ellis trying to mend burned bridges with the band Youth Code, a release from Nickelodeon star Arianna Grande, a band called Annihilate which sounded sort of like Metallica, one of Tully’s fave bands The Pixies (whom he had no expectations for), Gorguts who doesn’t have enough schtick and should look into murdering a girl in Greenland, and Rawdogs pick- NIN’s new album Hesitation Marks. The segment was filled with the usual banter, Ellis and Tully talking over the epically long build ups to songs that don’t deliver, and talking about which people find it funny to tennis racket shit at people’s heads (and the people who do think it’s funny but would never admit it).

Ellis and his third brown eye interpreted callers’ dreams, which ranged from a man fucking a woman to life before strangling her dead again (because he has a small penis and needs to exercise more willpower to make it larger), to dreams within dreams all the while spent on your knees (because you need some Metamucil and a good shit, you clearly homosexual man), bald eagle hitchhikers beating up rear seated younger passengers (because you hate America), and zombie kittens in haunted houses (because you want to die, or your mom wants to kill you, and you need to deal with your ex wife). The general prescription to rid yourself of these weird dreams? Go fist yourself. And think of Rawdog while you do because he chooses to be flattered by being the object of your self-fisting fantasy. There were real gems in this dream segment, including the man with the manliest dream ever being stuck in a river between a wolf on one bank and a bear on the other, dreaming of being a carpet salesman recruited by a government MIB type (JE: it means you can’t lick pussy good CALLER: Fuck.), and you should just get outta dodge because you can’t spell Godzilla without God.

In between announcing the segment and waiting for callers desperately awaiting their dream interpretation, Tully announced that the Secret Service acts as Presidential Pooper Scoopers who collect all of the president’s urine and feces. Fucking. Awesome. At least I can now confidently say that my tax dollars are being spent on shit, because that shit is a matter of National Security. It must be kinda awesome to have such important bodily functions. “But what about his semen?” Rawdog asks…a good question in my opinion if they are so worried about the other things coming out his pee-hole. That, my friends, is a job for the Monica Lewinski’s of the world. I would kill to be as witty as Hubbs.

It was decided that Rawdog is good at impressions, so long as he doesn’t tell anyone beforehand who is he attempting to do an impression of. Today we heard from a very Sean Connery Al Pacino, drunken Michael J. Fox who is still on top even if he’s really Chris Farley, the Stefan Urquel of Rawdog (also known as Tully), Lady Gaga P. Diddy, and angry Jeff Goldblum. Oh. And Baracktopus, “When they turned me into an octopus they made me insane.” I was laughing so hard my dog barked at me, but I’m sure I didn’t miss anything because everyone on the show couldn’t talk because they were laughing too hard. Rawdog should quit being Rawdog and just be Baracktopus because I thought he was fucking hilarious.

As the show wound down Ellis answered an email over the air from a fan who’s been having a shit time in life and has been through a tragic run of people around him dying. Ellis offered the good advice of seeking professional help to prevent the rest of his life from thoroughly sucking, because that really is something that you can’t just work through alone. Ellis touched on his past in rehab, his experiences dealing with what happened to him at the hands of his father, and finding good help with therapy. More callers decided to talk about their dreams, and we came to learn that if you want to quit smoking you could take Chantix, but you could also very well just skip the doctor visit and kill yourself since apparently that shit is gnarly. It causes suicidal ideation, hallucinations, nightmares, and sleep paralysis. I mean, I know smoking is bad, but I think killing yourself is worse. We heard caller horror stories, including a particularly scary one where a guy almost drove his boat of passengers aground. On purpose. As bad as it is for you, I’m glad that guy started smoking again and quit the Chantix.

If you wanna fight at Ellismania, you have the added reward of a thousand dollar donation going to a charity (like PatriotGuard.org) if you win. Ellismania still needs fighters, so send in your videos and do it for the listeners and fight for charity!

See…that wasn’t so bad, right? Maybe you even forgot I was a chick for a minute. Fuck. I reminded you. Nevermind. Just think of me as Mr. Fuck Fuck New Studio My Balls, and everything will make sense again.