Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/8/14

Posted on July 8, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Guess who’s back in the mother fuckin’ house? WIT A FAT DICK FO’ YA MOTHA FUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! That’s right folks, you couldn’t keep me away from this shit if you tried, unless I went on vacation next week and needed someone to cover me, or I got the kind of job that required more continuous involvement instead of spurts of attention between slow periods in the day. Luckily for you though, I get to give a glorious report on the events of the Jason Ellis Show’s second day back from vacation and after the quality programming we got yesterday, today better be fucking amazing or so help me god I will strangle a kitten and make Thai food with it’s entrails! Let’s get into it! So, today kicked off with Jason talking about how Khloe Kardashian has a radio show but none of it would be possible if Usher hadn’t stuffed his dick in Kim’s box. The rest of the staff were looking out the window at some construction going on and Jason and Tully had to rip into them for expressing their childlike wonder at men using big machines. Hot Dog showed up to work stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and the guys spent a few minutes on that. Medical marijuana doctors all seem like rub and tug parlors, according to Tully, but this is America and we keep sex out of all forms of media unless we think we can sell something to somebody with it. Some UFC fighter passed out while warming up for a fight over the weekend, probably because he’s 7 feet tall and gigantic people are really well known for having heart problems. There was some more UFC talk and stuff, and I was feasting on an avocado and cream cheese sandwich, so it all kind of slipped past me. Something about Michael Jordan and how all the hustle and drive in the world can’t replace a certain amount of talent. Cumtard still has cysts all over his head, but that doesn’t trump the cysts in Ronda Rousey’s fist that popped over the weekend. Jetta tried to film WILSON taking his pants off and Rude Jude was in studio to give a play by play of Pendarvis’ fucked up knee. Seriously though, Will’s knee is fucked up, which means we can probably stop talking shit on him being a vag at that basketball tournament the show had like 2 years ago. Jason gave WILSON some old skateboarder frontier medicine on how to ice down swollen joints, and it probably sank in, but WILSON is from the south so he’s probably got some tricks of his own. Jude asked Jason if he thought that WILSON might do some real irreversible damage to Cumtard and the answer was very vague so it’s very possible we’ll be watching an actual drunken street fight between two people with an 80 pound weight difference and no concern for getting arrested. Bruce Willis was in a commercial for Seagram’s wine coolers back in the day, and the reason we know this is cause Jude is a little high and when you’re a little high you remember shit that doesn’t have anything to do with anything but can make great conversation. One time back when Jason and Andrea were still married, an overweight girl’s titty popped out in front of them and the only way Ellis could get away with it was to say “Ewwwww” which is sometimes the correct answer even when your wife doesn’t keep your testicles in a Dolce & Gabana purse. Fabio is the least acceptable musician to have ever lived and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times for being allowed to record an album. Jude noticed that the beat really was on par with almost everything else from the late 80’s/early 90’s, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s Fabio and he sounds like a Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. In case you didn’t catch it on twitter and Instagram over the weekend, I’m back on instagram, and also Jason has been in contract talks with SiriusXM and it’s looking like he’s getting a little bit more favor in the company, so kudos for all the hard work. And you can see stupid pictures of me doing shit at shit.toboggan on the insta. Or you could do me a real favor and assassinate Mark Zuckerberg, either one. The guys finally got the audio of Bruce Willis whoring himself out for Seagram’s wine coolers and if that’s not 80’s enough, he had a full head of hair when it happened, and GOD DAMN IF IT ISN’T THE MOST EPIC EMBARRASSING SHIT YOU COULD EVER HAVE IMMORTALIZED ON THE INTERNET!!! AND HE SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF A BLACK GUY AND A DOG!!! AAAAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAAAAHAA!!!
If I had the free time at work, I would have cried a little. And to top it all off, he got fired as the Seagram’s spokesperson after he got arrested for drunk driving. But hey, at least he spawned two good looking daughters, one of whom insists on getting naked in public and is not offensive to the eyes when she does so, soooooo… Fuck yeah, Willis. Then they played one of his originals from “The Revenge Of Bruno” and it’s one of those music videos that takes us back to a time like when Paula Abdul danced on a staircase with someone dressed as a cat. Oh, to have been alive in a time when cocaine was non habit-forming. I imagine it must have been just like all of my favorite 80’s movies where nothing bad ever happened to anyone except stuffy rich people with no style. After hearing more of his music, the guys determined that Bruce Willis needs to open for Horse Force/Death!Death!Die!/Taintstick at the next EllisMania. Jude moved into a sweetly gentrified new apartment recently and is enjoying the shit out of it. That’s right, no more gay Mexican tweakers breaking in to rummage through his shit. The guys took a break to let Jude get back to his day job and get ready for a guest they had lined up, and I got to listen to the only song by the Beatles that was ever given a proper cover, and then some Machine Head to smash my head against the desk to.

Coors Light Canada had to apologize after an intersection got closed off due to some promotional stunt, and in a shocking display of Caniadianism, the townspeople accepted the apology, and everybody went out for Tim Horton’s and poutine afterwards. Amber Lyon stopped by to hang out with the guys today. If you don’t know who she is, WELCOME TO THE BABY SEAL CLUB!!! Amber is a journalist for some company which didn’t get mentioned in the meet and greet. The guys are really impressed with Amber because she doesn’t have a TV personality voice or act like the re-skinned cybernetic husk of Tom Brokaw. I for one don’t watch the news, cause it’s primarily lies or pointless distractions, and if I wanted all that, there’s still HBO, but if this lady was talking I would be less offended at the whole situation. Amber is on board with Aubrey from Onnit and all the other ayhuasca MMA extreme fitness Dolce diet crowd, and was nice enough to bring a piece for Ellis to get up himself when the time is appropriate. So, everybody talked psychedelics for a while and all the really fun mind expanding wall destroying times you can have on them, however it’s important to be careful, or much like an old friend of mine, you will get wrestled to the ground by the police in your own home and have a taser barb fired into your asshole while trying to carry a conversation with Jesus. So, Amber is an Emmy winner and made a documentary on some aspect of the ridiculous state that Americans leave the Middle East in every time we go to “visit” (by visit I mean pilfer natural resources and keep brown people under raps). She seemed to have a pretty good eye for what was going on around her and didn’t get shot by any of the fringe groups and got to expose the glaring hypocrisy of everything that the US has done in the middle east for a fuck ton of years, but y’know, in the name of freedom, not personal gain for the oil companies and weapons manufacturers we elected TWICE just a few years back. She also did a story on how it’s ridiculously easy to get medical grade heroin but in most states you’ll still go to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for getting caught with a dime bag of weed. So, all in all, not a hateable person in my opinion. Amber heard about that whole “bubbling” trend and had to ask Ellis about it and he kinda dodged telling her about that time he wanted to be Lyoto Machida, but did tell her about getting so drunk he passed out face down and woke up second away from crib death by way of nocturnal emission. There was some more ayhuasca talk and being a guy that hasn’t done drugs in a long time, it’s only slightly making me feel like I missed out on a good time, and kind of makes me want to tell Ellis to either go on a bender and get some new stories about it or just quit bringing it up. Amber suggested that Jason should try MDMA therapy cause she apparently doesn’t know he already tried that and that may be part of the cause for some of the spotty connections that go on in his head now. There was some more talk about how dropping acid is therapeutic, except when you catch a taser barb in your asshole, or when you’re the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous and you drop a bunch of acid to try and treat one of the outlying symptoms associated with being an alcoholic. Really, what I’m trying to say is, don’t do things that might get you a taser barb in the asshole. I just can’t find any reason why that might be something I would recommend. More psychedelics talk, and then some more, and more promoting hippie frontier medicine, and all kinds of other stuff that didn’t particularly pique my interest. But hey, somebody probably got a lot out of it, and the god damn world doesn’t revolve around me, so those are the two most important things to take away from the last hour. The guys watched some fottage of a news piece Amber did about ladies in mixed martial arts, and as those of us who have been listening for a while would know, Every opportunity for sexual inuendo was taken and beaten to death. And then they started talking about Wolf Blitzer for no discernable reason. But then Death!Death!Die! came to break up the pow wow so that we could move onto other more important things. Like farts and crib death.

Kit Cope relayed a video to the guys of a musical performance by KIevin Costner, and it was like they put “The Postman” in song and tried taking the show on the road, which would warrant me demanding that Kevin Costner be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Hopefully it wasn’t a cover song, cause I would triple the royalties if he butchered something I created like that. The guys talked for a while about just where in the shining blue fuck did Kevin Costner come from? The real answer is Lynwood, CA, but Jason still holdsa true that he was birthed at a Red Lobster during a Satanic rite that also produced the script for Robin Hood: Prince of thieves and Waterworld. Tully floated the idea that if McDonald’s started selling a $0.99 ribeye steak, nobody would ask any questions cause Outback would already have countered with their newest delicacy: Steak-on. That’s right, a steak made of bacon. Obesity is only a problem if you stop telling people it’s good for them. The boys discussed Mike Catherwood because at the go kart races last week he was looking fantastic, but they could see his former junkie/roid freak side come out on the track. This gave Jason the idea to bring in the Catherwood couple for counselling on the Jason Ellis show every so often cause sometimes fucking with other people’s healthy relationships for entertainment can be a good god damn time. Jason is trying to get a line in his contract that would bring about a FUCKING WORLD WIDE WOLFKNIVES GATHERING TOUR LIKE THE JUGGALOS BUT WITH ALL NATURAL GREEN DRINKS INSTEAD OF FAYGO AND A LOT LESS CRYSTAL METH!!!!!!!! And there’s gonna be some new Wolfknives gear coming out in the near future, even stuff for the ladies, so if you want a running joke about Vespas to drape over your titties, just keep your eyes on the Wolfknives online store! Tully recounted a theory that he’s heard about how lotto winners don’t usually end up as happier better people just cause they get a bunch of money and equated it to his own experiences with having a certain constant level of stress and how even if you solve a problem there’s always gonna be another one and we all die. Plus, a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and giving them large amounts of financial independence just magnifies all the shitty ideas they normally wouldn’t have been able to act on. Jason has been keeping in touch with his stepmom more often lately and they seem to be forming a much better bond than when he was a kid and the only thing they had in common were a couple relatives. The guys took some phone calls to get ideas on what Ellis should do in a hotel room with a bunch of fans and friends of the show and organize some stunts and games to have people do. Some of the suggestions were weed lube wrestling, animal bites with Donald Schultz, drunken stripper contest, and a serious delay in answering phones to get more ideas care of Hot Dog being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Whle they waited for Hebrew National to get up to speed with everybody who didn’t go to the same high school as Cumtard, Tully read us a news story about a girl in Ireland who went to some far off mystical resort where the bartender convinced this young lady to blow 24 dudes for a free drink and apparently there’s video floating around on the internet and I saw this news story on a couple sites, so it’s probably very true and does show that Europeans are just not as uptight about sex as we are and if it was consesual, it’s not a fucking problem for anybody. The ideas started flowing in for this super model party, first up was a vibrator hot potato relay race, then nude armwrestling, drunk obstacle course racing, Wet T-shirt contest with the new Wolfknives gear, ass-groping contest, anal bead tug-of-war, strip hi-low and the loser gets drawn on with body paint and sharpies, blindfolded drunken stripper miniature golf, strip sting pong, finger painting with your tits, 20 women independently ranking each other (cause bitches got no loyalty and stereotypes don’t fall out of the sky), pillow fight tournament and photo shoot, topless pogo sticking, pin-the-tail-on-the-Cumtard, what’s in my box/what’s on my tits (probably the latter cause lawyers are uptight cunts), strip limbo, and that was all they could handle for the day. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Madonna got excused from jury duty which is fucking fantastic cause I wouldn’t trust her to be a reasonable jury member in any capacity whatsoever. Wendy Williams is turning 50 and went on the Today Show to fulfill her dream of being a singer and it was nothing too special unless you’re the type to hang around the Today Show crowd being a hokey shithead who would be pumped as all fuck to watch Wendy Williams butcher a Diana Ross song. It was almost as bad as Kevin Costner, and she should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Pink Floyd is gonna release a new album this October and I didn’t think I could hate them any more than I already do, but that’s sure to change by year’s end. The guys talked Living Colour for a bit cause apparently Vernon Reed is like Jimi Hendrix reincarnated, but then they started talking Floyd again and I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention cause I already lived with hippies once and for where I’m at today, the less Floyd the better. Roy Horn, of getting mauled by a tiger and being a gay Vegas magician fame, is being sued by a guy for being creepy as fuck and making unwelcome sexual advances, which I have no trouble believeing at all cause just one Sigfried and Roy billboard is an unwelcome sexual advance. DMX is gonna get his wages garnished to cover child support cause a black man in America can never cautch a break. Sting’s kids are trying to cash their trust funds early cause apparently money is good. The guys talked a while about how the children of rich kids almost always grow up to be the most ungrateful pieces of shit on the planet. And finally, Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory is gonna come back from retirement/cancellation for a seventh season!!! And the townspeople rejoiced.

AUSSIE CUNTS!!! I mean NEWS!!! If you didn’t know, Aussie rules football has elements of American football and basketball and everybody’s getting beaten about the head and face as all sports should be played. What’s important about all that is that some Aussie sick cunt performed the first documented on-field choking of an opposing player and had to be pulled off by all the members of the other team AND HE WOULD HAVE PUT THE FUCKER OUT TOO IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!!! Jason is gonna be on Dr. Drew On Call again tonight, as he does regularly on Tuesdays and Thursdays nowadays. Some lady abandoned a baby on the subway which doesn’t surprise me cause a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and this is why unwed mothers in biblical times were stoned. Tully found some more audio of Fabio singing R&B songs in the early nineties and I WANT FABIO DEAD!!! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEDNESDAY, YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!! But why this is important is because Cumtard is gonna try and recreate the vocal stylings in his own tard-tastic way with the Fabio accent and the speech jammer app. It sounded exactly like Fabio, the Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. It was quite entertaining too, like an extreme parody of itself. It was all kinds of meta, let’s just say that. Tully reported on a story about a family up here in the bay area who hired a nanny on a no pay basis in exchange for free room and board in their house and after a few weeks of really great service, the nanny essentially refused all services and went bat shit fucking crazy and won’t leave the house and is making all sorts of ridiculous demands and if you do a little more research you’ll find out that these people are all fucking terrible and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Long story short, no contract illegal employee who’s barred from suing anyone in California because she’s got a record of suing absolutely everyone, hired by a family with a stay at home mom who can’t be bothered to take care of her own kids, everybody’s liable to go to jail or be fined excessively if they take it to court, but the family wants an A&E series on their experience cause “fuck me in the ass homie” is the correct answer, and what the townspeople should do is burn down the house with all occupants except the children locked inside. The guys discussed the logistics of having the nanny killed by crocodile assassin and all of the logistical problems that might come into play in this particular scenario, like how to testify in your own defense against accusations of hiring a guy with a crocodile to remove an illegal tenant. The guys took some final calls to hear everybody’s best impression of Fabio and that was a bit of a treat, and Tony Hawk was live today so the guys finished up right at 4 PM sharp cause Tony Hawk is GAWD.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/24/14

Posted on June 25, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Sweet shit of Christ (which will be mentioned later on in the show today), I almost forgot it was my turn to do this today! But because of that, I got to hear an encore of Halo by Machine Head when I hit the rewind button on the online player to start at the beginning again, so fuck yeah for that. Since I’m too crunched for time to write a hilarious prologue, let’s get right into it, shall we? OK good, shut your gaping anus and pay attention. Today got started with Ellis talking about how shaving is a pain in the ass when you get old and all your hair has begun migrating from the places it used to be. Especially ass hair. But sculpting your chest hair is straight up doing too fucking much and you should mellow out if you’re doing it. Unless you’re in the UFC and it’s part of the corporate image, but everyone else should fucking stop. Shaving your balls can definitely make a difference at a job interview though, according to Tully. Jason is all about binge-watching Orange Is The New Black, and I still can’t bring myself to care about that show, but Tully has been all over every old Schwarzenegger movie that Netflix has to offer. Jason had some kind of drama with the ex due to some friend of her’s who’s been selling wolf tickets to a bullshit show and he had to defuse the situation but it’s still a headache when bitches be talking shit #AmIRight #NotAllWomen #ButAFuckinLotOfThem. The guys talked a while about how lying is not cool, especially cause lyin’ ass hoes be makin’ up stupid shit just for the sake of doin’ it cause they’re ain’t shit else they got going on that’s worth them devoting their time and energy to. And this kind of shit is why communication is key, ladies and gentlemen (especially you triflin’ bitches, you know who you are). Tully once sort of stalked an ex for one evening while wandering through New York back in the day, but she wouldn’t come down from her apartment long enough for him to slip her some Chloroform and take back what he rightfully discarded. Jason has been trying to arrange a family trip in an RV to go see the grand canyon, and the main concern is who’s gonna be the first carcass dragging behind the rear bumper after shitting in the RV. Jetta tried to explain that you can in fact empty the septic tank in a motorhome, but Ellis was not having any of it and will make his children walk fifty paces off the highway to shit in the desert. The guys discussed whether or not Arnold Schwarzenegger was was doing coke with a fifteen year old girl on the set of any of the Conan movies, and how much liquor Andre The Giant could put down if he wasn’t dead from being humongously obese and french and an alcoholic. Tully found a prank video of a guy showing off his phone to some ladies and then it spontaneously gets a phone call from Drake, that’s right, the Canadian ex-pat emo R&B singer, and he’s been using this trick to slay the bitches cause human beings these days are a floundering cesspool of genetic filth and I for one am happy that climate change and poor access to proper nutrition in America will kill several million of them. I’m talking about both sides of this equation, the pick-up artist and any lady stupid enough to go on a date with him just cause he allegedly knows a shitty musician. He will impregnate one of you with an idiot baby that you will need public assistance to raise, and thus the cycle will continue, since poverty is hereditary as is being a fucking moron. The guys talked a while about some of the tricks that people have tried using to get in their pants, like one lady who was lurking the shit out of Jason while he was hanging out with Benji, and then she slipped him her number written on the inside of a candy wrapper or some such shit. And to come back around to my point about horrible human beings, remember the story about the little girl who got kicked out of KFC cause someone complained about all her pit-bull face scars? Well, that was a complete load of shit. Now, KFC is gonna give them $30,000 as a donation for her medical expenses, whether the story is true or not, but all the same, in the land of frivolous lawsuits, it becomes pointless to have real problems that you need help with, especially when you can open a Kickstarter account to raise money for yourself for having an annoying job. Tully keeps seeing TV commercials for all of the horrible things we put women through, like weight loss pills and hair-removal flashlights and class action lawsuits regarding failed vaginal mesh surgery, and I see all of this too and it reinforces my belief that mother fuckers need to start having some quality control with their fellow human beings. Jetta was supposed to spin the wheel of doom yesterday, but couldn’t because of some shit or another, so Jason wanted to have him do it today. If you remember from whenever the hell it happened, Jetta does have a get out of jail free card, but Ellis still felt the need to berate him for a mistake he made in getting the studio ready for the show at some point. I kinda missed all of this yesterday, but it seemed like the kind of thing that could have been less of a major issue. But whatever, let’s hear some Metallica.

So, in a display of how awesome the show has become in all these years, ICE T IS IN THE HOUSE BEEYITCH!!! In case you didn’t catch it, Body Count released a new album recently, which is probably why Ice is out doing stuff and talking to people and hanging out on the west coast when his day job is on Law And Order out on the east side. The guys talked music and stuff for a while and Ice T likes satellite for the fact that you don’t have to be radio rock to get played there, and Jason mentioned his own bands without mentioning that one song from the last album that originally came about as him making fun of the lyrics from Cop Killer. There was some talk about the use of the word FUCK and how it’s all situational, but if you need to say “Fuck The Police” it’s important not to censor yourself or let anyone else do it to you. Ice told us about his experience working on Law And Order, and it’s been pretty good to him cause he can play the one kind of cop he doesn’t hate and protect fictional innocent people from the hard shit going on in the streets. Ice gave a little back story on the ups and downs of Body Count throughout the years as well as a quick rundown of how they came about to make the newest record, and aside from losing their bass player to a drive-by and their drummer to leukemia, they’re still fucking shredding. And if you don’t believe me, check them out at the Mayhem Festival and also some metal festival that’s going on up in Canada that I didn’t catch the name of. Ice T told stories of all the big names in punk, hardcore and metal that he’s worked with, and how being a rock star can be really awesome cardio as long as you time your breaks well. Jason and Ice talked training and fighting and how it’s different when you’re an adult but it never hurts to know how to snap a crackhead in half, especially if you’re girlfriend’s around to see it, cause that’ll give her a massive lady boner. The guys talked about the new video for Talk Shit Get Shot cause TMZ had a problem with Body Count making a music video with a shitload of white people, but the real story was that the casting was thrown together in way too short a time and all they could get was honkies, plus Ice T is a pretty fair skinned black person, so it’s not a black on white crime thing. But it all boils down to Ice T hating those internet tough guy bloggers who talk all kinds of head about shit from a completely one sided perspective over some shit that’s just one small minority opinion on something that really isn’t that important in the grand scheme of things. And as a person who complains on the internet regularly, I can see his angle. Ice and the boys talked for a while about the ins and outs of dealing with fame journalists (paprazzi) and how no matter how worthless and disgusting they are as people, they mostly act that way cause they’re spiteful so if you treat them with a little dignity and courtesy, they’re a lot less likely to go out of their way to fuck up your day constantly. Tully was at the beach with Linsanity this weekend and saw the paparazzi stalking Gwen Stefani’s kids AGAIN, which made him think that maybe she’s calling them to let them know where she’s gonna be. The guys talked a while about how Ice doesn’t have to turn in his hood pass for playing a cop on TV cause all of his friends know who he is and the only people talking shit were people who didn’t know him before the fact. Old ladies think he’s a hero, and his charity is continuing to be Ice T and staying out of the ghetto. The guys played a cut off the new Body Count record and let Ice get back to whatever surely more important stuff he had to do in LA that day. But before they let him leave, he had to play his band’s cover of Institutionalized by Suicidal Tendencies and that shit was cut off by the Sirius/XM on demand player, but I’m sure I can find it on YouTube when I get the chance. I caught the first couple drum beats, it sounded pretty good. Definitely worth my time.

GO TO ONNIT.COM and enter a contest to get a free motorcycle! It’s for charity and Onnit does good things SO FUCK YOUR PROBLEMS JUST DO IT!!! Check your tits and balls for lumps too, cause cancer is a mother fucker! And if you have both tits and balls, well there’s probably a lucrative career in porn for you! Tully let a nice black lady fondle his balls to check for lumps and said it was a fantastic experience AND he didn’t have cancer!!! I’m sure the Dave Matthews band live performance in the background certainly made it a much more relaxing environment. Jason was listening to some lady he heard at the pride parade while he was in the shower and said it’s way more annoying when water is splashing on you than it is when everybody’s drunk and sun-stroked and FAAAAAAbulous. Tully found a video of a guy surfing a fucking massive wave and getting shitwhipped straight into the ocean cause that’s what happens when you’re not incredibly high level in the surfing world and take on a wave you probably shouldn’t. He came back to it again though, and got it handled on the second try, did even better than some fuckwit on a jet ski. There’s another video of a 10 year old skate prodigy going full tard at the Venice beach skate park and fucking himself up transitioning through the bowls or something like that. But hey, none of that is as dangerous as crystal meth, especially if you’re in Florida, and you get so high that you think someone is an alien and decide to start stalking them with an unregistered gun and talking crazy shit loud enough for someone to hear it and call the cops on you for being crazy and high on meth. He also said he was “a big deal” and had 100,000 Asian flowers, or something like that cause meth. Speaking of meth, it’s time for the Etsy game!!! Where Jason finds disturbing, kitschy gifts for his girlfriend and the rest of us think of more reasons to murder hipsters!!! Some of the fine goods the guys were able to find in the deep dark recesses of the Etsy this week were a flame patterned barbecue apron with a full on cock, balls and pubes (only $30!), a handmade life size replica of the hydraulic loader suit from the movie “Aliens” with working but not fully functional hydraulics (made entirely out of garbage and spare parts, a mere $1,600!!!), a 100% vegan cat fur suit (which seems fucking impossible to me, but you can own it for a scant $715 and it seems that a big part of the price is the realism factor of it!!!), a hoarder doll house cause in this day and age why the fuck not? (IT CAN BE YOURS FOR ONE EASY BUT RIDICULOUS PAYMENT OF $400), a painting made of vomited ink on three different canvasses (and what better price to pay for hazardous waste than $250?!?!?!?), a doll’s head bar of soap (for the one time only price of $10), a magical mystery box which could include jeweled beetle wings, porcupine quills, blown out bird eggs, rodent bones, shark teeth, Jesus Christ’s fossilized testicles, just basically a lot of animal parts and crap she found in the woods (no declared value for any of the possible contents, but you could either get a great deal or be completely fleeced by buying this box for $30), extra large buffalo scrotum for making baby toys or candy dishes out of (all at an outrageous deal of $32.95), a heart shaped locket filled with breast milk for the fucked up mother in all of us (at a mere $28), a leather sex mask with droopy dog eyes (a bargain at twice the price of $239), a gray fox’s FACE!!! no skull or other components included (for the doorbuster price of $7.95), and finally, a fossilized prehistoric turd from an unknown animal, very possibly a dinosaur (AT THE BIBLICALLY LOW PRICE OF $10,000) and once more, let it be known that idiots with money are a wide open market for stupid things that other people don’t want.

AUSSIE NEWS YA FUCKIN’ CUNTS!!! Apparently, Australians just can’t stop pissing into their own mouths, so much so that they’ve taken to creatively calling it “bubbling” and it is taking the nation by storm. Just proof that when you live in an isolated country, you will run out of things to do and sometimes creativity will take a turn for the worse. People are even doing it in public at rock festivals and skate parks all across the land. As common as it is though, most of the people still think it’s fucking weird and gross (as they should), they just aren’t doing much about it. Tully saw a book called the “Worst Case Scenario Handbook” and it describes some plausible solutions to when shit goes really bad, like surviving a plain crash miles away from any kind of help, or how to do a J-turn and ram a car out of your way, shit like that. This brought up the question of who would Hot Dog eat if he was trapped in the studio for months and everybody else was dead? Nate said that Kevin would be the first, even though he has head cysts. Kevin would try to win him over with belly rubs and such before hand, but that would not protect him from being barbecued in an empty oil drum for the enjoyment of the Faction staff on casual Friday. The guys agreed, and after EM10, Cumtard will be ground into marshmallowy sausages and the fans are all invited for beer and tard-brats in the parking lot of the SiriusXM high rise in downtown LA. Tully floated a few more of these worst case scenarios to see what the guys might do in unusual circumstances, like what would you do to survive an elephant stampede? Jason would make it a point to get the fuck out of the way, as most people should, Tully would try to climb a tree which is actually one of the suggestions the book made cause the elephants would be trying to avoid them, and Hot Dog would also try to get the fuck out of the way but somehow when he suggests it he sounds like an idiot. Luckily though, if an elephant finds your corpse they will have the decency to bury you. Next, how do you stop a car with no brakes? First obvious answer is the “EMERGENCY BRAKE” as most every vehicle is equipped with, just try not to swing it too hard or you’ll roll it. Tully would try coasting it to a stop, but if your brakes are out it’s probably not the best plan cause you wouldn’t know you’re brakes were out unless you were trying to stop, so in that case he would just turf it and let the car go were it wants to. Hot Dog would try downshifting if it were possible on that particular vehicle, and if that doesn’t help then just turf it, a la Michael Tully. Next, what would you do if the elevator you’re riding in just started falling? Ellis would knock out Hot Dog and use his carcass for padding, Tully would try to time a jump like some shitty action movie and we would all laugh at his funeral, and Hot Dog would do a hand stand cause he does not value his own survival. Here’s one, how would you escape from a boa constrictor? Conventional wisdom is that you don’t and become tasty snake treats, or rip the fucker’s head off if at all possible. There were more of these, and probably final calls and stuff, but I fell asleep watching the shittiest movie ever and got too busy at work this morning to listen to the last 20 minutes of the show, but luckily it’s almost time for another one so whatever I missed today shall be made up for in spades!

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/17/14

Posted on June 17, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just buried in my little paperwork hovel, listening to an endless string of time wasting phone calls and giving price estimates for shit that I could never afford while consoling others about their problems in comparison to mine. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!!! TURN DOWN WHATEVER FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO YOU’RE WATCHING, I’M TALKING TO SOMEBODY!!! FUCK YOU DON’T CALL BACK!!! I SHALL VISIT A SUFFERING UPON YOU THAT WOULD MAKE AUSCHWEITZ LOOK LIKE A NURSERY SCHOOL!!!!! So, yeah, that’s how I’m doing today. I also took a shit that I simply cannot trust the size of. It was way too much work and discomfort for how small it was. But fuck me, right, how are you? YOU READY FOR THE ELLIS SHOW?!?!?!?! Well, I hope you caught it live, because the recap is very close second, but still only second. Today’s show got started with some dead air and then some talk about how Orange Is The New Black is kinda stupid, and since I’ve never seen it, it just looks trendy and boring to me, but Donna from That 70’s Show is in it, so if nothing else, eye candy. This basically boiled down to a lot of talk about how trendy shit gets trendy then pointless. Jude was in studio to talk sound bites and how he’s given the show way too many memorable phrases for the Jingleberries not to have a whole page of buttons for him. Somehow, this boiled down to talk about Mike Metzger and people thinking other people are racist. Jude tried to relate his experience with racism and how it’s pretty common in just about every different group, but white people get treated a bit worse cause we actually enslaved several different groups on many different occasions and (especially in America) white is a pretty broad spectrum of people, so it’s not like it’s all the Brits or the Irish or the French, it’s just north versus south of the equator (PS native Americans are still on reservations cause white people are just fantastic like that). Fat Mike from NOFX said it best: Everyone’s a little bit racist. So there, problem solved, problem staying solved, rangers lead the way. There was more talk about racism and I just have to say that human beings are universally shitty in one way or another, every last god damn one of them, even the ones I like, it’s all just levels and when you have enough positives in my book, I’ll be decent to you, and if you don’t then I can leave pretty much any situation I need to in order to avoid you. It’s the great thing about free will and adulthood, personal fucking choice. There was more arguing and Ellis seemed really passionate about it, Jude tried to divert the subject and explain the double standard and how a certain amount of other people’s stupidity just needs to be ignored, but that just kind of brought the excitement level back up to the forefront of the conversation. Some guy (from Alabama) called in to say a certain amount of it is just what you experience and it’s not always just telling yourself not to be a dick. But then he said he hated Don Cheadle because he got robbed by a black guy and didn’t trust any of them for a bunch of years. Long story short, Jude’s point of view, lead by example, Ellis’ point of view, fuck all of them. They’re kinda both right, and both wrong. The world is a shitty place, and harden the fuck up. Two sides of an equally feces covered coin that is worth less than the metal it was minted from. Maybe that’s my own nihilism speaking, but it’s an opinion, which is like an asshole, and I stay away from everybody else’s unless I have a really good reason to be there, cause despite the fact that I’m not a germophobe, I’m weird and I get incredibly freaked out by the thought of poo, like when you’re watching porn and there’s that very slight brown mark on a girl’s ass cheeks when the dude fucking her slips out and has to line it back up again to continue rearranging her internal organs. IT JUST FUCKS UP THE ENTIRE THING FOR ME AND I HAVE TO START MASTURBATING ALL OVER AGAIN FROM SCRATCH, OKAY?!?!!?!?!!?! The guys switched to talking about the class divide and that’s really more of the issue when it comes to institutionalized racism, and I hate those people who love to tell you money is the root of all that kills, they have never been poor they will never know the joy of a welfare Christmas, I WILL BUY YOU A GARDEN WHERE YOUR FLOWERS CAN BLOOM!! I WILL BUY YOU THAT BIG HOUSE!!! PERFECT SSHHIIIINNYY AND NEEEEEWWW!!!! Yes, I’m a 90’s kid. But fuck all of that last slew of nonsense, Hyena, the rebirth (remix? I mean, he does work at a hip hop station), September, pre-order that shit. And listen to the Foreally show. And let’s all just try and be better to each other cause some people take it way more personally than others. ‘Kay? ‘Kay………….Kay took my baby awaaayyy, they took her away, AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!! Delirium, coupled with a decent lunch and a bloodshart brewing. The fumes in this shop gave the last guy lung cancer, I think they just make me lose brain cells. Which is fine with me, cause for the last thirty minutes I’ve been running through my vast personal knowledge of automotive lubricants in my head for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON at all, and this kind of knowledge drives me a little insane, and yet I relish it, cause it makes me good at my real job, just not the part that requires me to deal with everybody else’s problems and listen to their bullshit and be whined at because goods and services cost money and we won’t take trades of shitty macrame art and are constantly risking our own personal safety lifting their 3-ton hoarder cars up in the air to determine how quickly they need to be trading it in for a skateboard and a healthy dose of get off your ass and do something. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER IS OUT OF A COMA!!! For the most part, as far as we are told by the media, so that’s great. Long live The Stig. Let’s just take a moment to think about everything that’s happened so far today, and remember that no matter how bad you have it, at least you’re not a hipster. Those people suck.

ON DEMAND!!! It’s pretty much the only way I can finish these recaps!!! SIRIUSXM!!! Quality product. The web player and phone app, eh, not their finest attempt, but the content is fucking fantastic. #ShoutOut to the Backbone, Bryan fucking Cullen. Jason noticed that his twitter seems to be shitty about giving him notifications when people say/ask/harass/call him a fag/aggressive cock sucking/demand things from him, so the guys got to work trying to figure it out. Cumtard has never had that problem, and neither has Tully, so just off the bat they were able to determine it’s probably something to do with Jason’s phone app for twitter (I use Tweedle for android, you can make your own color scheme for it and it doesn’t give you fifty fucking columns of bullshit you wouldn’t even use on the computer, and it’s FREEEEEE!!!!) so they started trying to diagnose whether it was the app itself or just Ellis fault for buying an iPhone (*cough* inferior closed source technology *cough cough*). While they were doing that, Tully found a story about how people in Alabama are finally allowed to have oral and anal sex and don’t have to be wedded to do it, cause the state supreme court finally turned over whatever ridiculous hillbilly superstitious law they had on the books that previously made those a crime. WILSON came in to verify that he has tasted the sweetest fruits of carnal sin under the pseudonym “Phil” and that it was good. The guys discussed their feelings on their kids marrying a “beard” sometime in the future, and Tully has met a few of those couples and there’s a select few that seem to have it pretty good when they do that, and they make the flimsiest bridges, but the most Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous tacos. WILSON suggested that Jason’s twitter problems might be that he’s got his response page set to only people he follows, but Jason dismissed this as nonsense cause he’s not a technophile and probably didn’t realize he set it that way. But fuck all that, cause the guys turned to twitter and the phones to see who out there just can’t do stuff that other normal people can do, like pouring water out of a pitcher, or changing your own oil, or getting the center of an envelope lined up just right to get the address down on it. And there were some doozies, people out there don’t know how to do lots of stuff. Cumtard can’t keep his shoes tied for some reason or another. He’ll triple knot therm, but no matter what, they come untied in a few small steps. Jason can’t do carnival games, but that’s fine cause carnies are basically the gypsies of America and should not be trusted. Tully can’t butter toast unless it’s already kind of liquid. Ellis can’t open plastic bags very well. He also can’t manage remembering that 30 days hath September, April June and November, and all the rest have 31, except for February alone and that has 28 days clear and 29 on each leap year. The guys turned to the phones and got a guy who can’t negotiate swiping his credit card the right direction anytime he tries to use it. One guy on twitter can’t chew gum, but worse than that, Mike in Canada and Michael Tully both can’t do a respectable job opening a carton of milk. A lot of folks can’t snap their fingers or whistle. One lady couldn’t use an electric can opener to save her life (#AmIRight). One guy cut the tip of his pinky finger off on multiple occasions just trying to chop garlic. Some guy couldn’t parallel park and that’s just bullshit. A guy called in to say that he can’t pee when he’s sitting down to take a shit, cause we all needed to hear that this afternoon, but some of his friends stand up to wipe, so there’s that. Some guys can’t do gift wrapping, or put the straw through a Capri Sun without squeezing half of it out. One lady said she can’t use saran wrap cause it sticks to her fingers. Jetta has shy bowels, as does Ellis. One dude can’t open up a fruit cup without spilling out the syrup, and that wouldn’t be a huge deal if he didn’t work at an elementary school. Somebody on twitter can’t brush his teeth without making a huge mess of toothpaste everywhere. One guy called in to tell the guuys that, for the fucking life of him, he can’t open a tube of Pillsbury biscuits withouth them exploding all over his kitchen. Happy birthday Thomas Haden Church. Danny’s brother can’t walk in flip-flops, and some lady can’t fold fitted sheets (which I just kind of half-ass and get into a squarish shape, and since I live alone, fuck everybody) Someone called in to say he can’t drink from a big mouth glass with crushed ice in it, cause he’s essentially a humongous toddler. The next caller told the guys he can’t get off without catching a finger in the booty from his old lady. A couple people on twitter said that they absolutely cannot make themselves burp, when the situation calls for it. Jason has been getting spontaneous boners ever since he stopped his anxiety medication. Someone else on twitter said that he can’t open a bag of chips without exploding the bag so he has to use scissors, and someone else can’t peel a banana without biting the top off first. There was another caller who couldn’t keep AM and PM straight, but if I had to take a guess I’d be inclined to believe he’s an alcoholic. A lady called in to report multiple injuries sustained from trying to take off a sports bra, so bad in fact that she’s had reconstructive surgery for soft tissue damage. Can’t take the cotton ball out of a pill bottle, opening tamper safe seals on things, taking flight on massive hot air balloon hands, can’t open Kraft singles, can’t peel an orange without juicing it, can’t use scissors, can’t take a shit without showering afterwards, can’t pronounce “statistics” or “adirondak”, can’t piss in public, can’t brush your teeth without gagging yourself and throwing up, all of these are things that average people have trouble with, even though they shouldn’t. And you wonder why I complain about humanity all the time?

YOU SIR, ARE A MORON with special guest Anahita Sedaghatfar, the really attractive defense lawyer who sometimes makes appearances on Dr. Drew On Call with Jason. According to her, all persian girls are gonna claim their virginity until marriage, but they’re probably hiding some special tricks that they’ve picked up in their travels of penis. But that’s beside the point, cause today, You Sir, Are a Moron is gonna be extra interesting cause Anahita is there to constantly present the defense attorney’s point of view on stuff. Up first, should parents have a set amount of time they’re allowed to leave a baby in a car? Well, every doctor will tell you no, and that you’re an unfit parent, but of course being a parent is hard work and unloading your kid just to pump gas or put change in the meter is a pain in the ass, so for the sake of real world situations, it’s probably not a big deal. Next, was justice served for OJ Simpson? Well, facts and logic dictate that no, no it was not, but he did get arrested for trying to steal a bunch of his own memorabilia, and the rest of us are paying the price for one of his Dream Team Lawyer’s daughters, who got famous off some black dick and now won’t get the fuck off of every TV channel and magazine cover. Next, what would you do if you saw someone slap their kid in the face in public? Now first, of course, you gotta at least WANT to hit that fucker back, but it’s important to know the whole situation and be aware of your surroundings so that you don’t lash out in uncalled for ways out in the world, but of course, a 3 year old would have to be some kind of Omen child to really warrant that kind of treatment, so stomping a dude out in the milk aisle is probably the right thing to do. Tully on the other hand, has been informed by his kid’s pediatrician that he should be spanking the hell out of Linsanity at every possible turn, else he may rise up more powerful than Michael could ever imagine and will usurp his kingdom of a fully paid off Honda Civic and co-host position at a popular afternoon talk radio show. Next, are black people better at sports? And the short answer is yes, due to genetic culturing during the slave days, however there’s a lot of things we’re calling “sports” nowadays that really don’t require much physical superiority over anyone else, so just for the sake of nomenclature, the playing field has been pretty much leveled. Next, should ladies shave their asses? Yes. If you disagree, well you’re just fucking weird. NEXT QUESTION are you obligated to fulfill your partner’s sexual needs as long as they aren’t dangerous or against the law? Well, fucking someone who’s on fire probably isn’t a good idea, but then again there’s probably laws against arson. That said though, it’s only an obligation if there’s legal paperwork drawn up, otherwise it’s just a matter of what everybody involved is comfortable with. And if you’re not comfortable with inflating a pool raft inside someone’s asshole while they sing the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge, well then it’s time to go out and find yourself somebody who likes your own particular brand of strange. Next, when is an acceptable time for a man to lay hands on a woman in anger? And really the only time is protecting yourself or your loved ones from immediate harm or death, but Anahita disagrees with this, but she is wrong and obviously has never had a guy protect her from getting knocked out in public (which is surprising, cause nobody likes lawyers, so it seems like it’s bound to happen or already have happened). Should prostitution be legal? Well, it works well in Amsterdam, but Anahita does not agree with that, under the pretenses that it’s a bad example in our modern, evolved society that still clings to archaic belief structures and institutionalized xenophobia. Somehow, she got on the tangent of how pot should also remain illegal, even though she’s OK with it and has a lot of her facts about the new Colorado weed legalization wrong, as well as about the actual substance itself, but hey, not her field of expertise. I could tell her how to get fucked up sideways in a matter of minutes, but if I needed to beat a speeding ticket, I’d be the one asking questions. Next, should polygamy be legal? And my answer is, only if you’re not doing it as part of a religion. That one guy who claimed it as part of the Mormon faith, then married off a bunch of underage girls, and molested a bunch of kids, and robbed the welfare system for millions of dollars to single mothers, and kept a bunch of people hostage in his mountain compound, that guy wasn’t OK. Folks from out where I live, who just like to mix it up, and have the same friends with benefits as their wife does, shouldn’t be a problem for anybody. It isn’t one for me. And finally, at what age should kids be given condoms at school? To which the logical answer is, flood the entire south with them from kindergarten to 15 years into the workforce. Immersion therapy, the rest of us got the message a long time ago. Let’s take a few minutes to simmer on all that, and get back to it.

You may be shocked to learn that people on social media were OUTRAGED that a little girl who got mauled by a pit bull and is kind of disfigured from it, got kicked out of a KFC because some other customer couldn’t continue eating due to this girl’s appearance. KFC, of course, will not really suffer in the long run cause fast food is the new “too big to fail” banking system, but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who thinks the whiny customer should have just shut the fuck up and kept their opinion to themselves. A team of researchers used Wikipedia to try and figure out who the most important person in the world was, and you may be surprised to learn that the current pope is only number three, but (according to some formula that requires Wikipedia and a bunch of external web links) Frank Sinatra is number fucking one!!! It’s nice to know that the new crop hasn’t taken over yet with all their stupid bullshit and worthless human beings parading around as celebrities instead of underutilized organ farms. Starfish are liquifying themselves in Vancouver cause they’re probably just fucking sick of existing, as most seaborne creatures seem like they are. But on the plus side, it probably makes a fantastic organic lube, plus you can watch the limbs crawl away in terror as the central core dissolves. A law firm in Massachusetts that was really well known for forclosing on people’s houses, just got foreclosed on!!! CAN YA FEEL ME VAGINA!!! Tully was reading about the school district in Newark, NJ and apparently it’s a shithole out there to the point where sometimes the only books in the classroom are comics, and while it’s a great hobby and they have some true artistic value, there’s a lot of good information that they just don’t have. The guys took some final calls, and as much as I love you all, I got shit to do today, so I’m snapping this one off before it turns into a bloodshart.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/10/14

Posted on June 11, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Holy fuck, just as I wrote the title for this post, I realized that if you add up the last four digits of today’s date, it equals six, which means all you need to do is put another 6 at the end and you can make today Satanic and sacrifice a goat on your balcony after work and maybe your upstairs neighbors will get the god damn point and clean up their busted kiddie pool from the back yard so the landlord can stop posting notices to all the tenants not to leave trash lying around!!! Math is good, it can make any day a gift to our dark lord and master. Speaking of darkness, it’s time to listen to a man who claims to be black due to a minor percentage of his bloodline being Fijian, Jason Ellis!!! Today, the show got rolling with how fucked up kids need role models in the form of adults who were fucked up kids but are not quite as much anymore, cause when you used to be a fucked up kid with sorta shitty parents, but you grow up to be alright, it kinda behooves you to pass that along so that everybody’s not a total shithead generation after generation. Ellis, I think, is feeling good about those times when he does say the right thing on the show and somebody treats themselves and their offspring a little better. Jude stopped by, and if you’ve read Hyena or listened to the Foreally Show, you would know that he could definitely chime in on this subject. After discussing how Jude’s intro needs to be condensed into a simple description as a black white guy who hates the system regardless of how much he’s benefited from it, Tully asked Jude about Ellis’ thoughts on talking to kids with shitty parents, and as much as Jude wants the rest of the world to crumble under it’s own stupidity, he’s totally down to be a role model to kids. The guys kicked around ideas for how they would go about telling kids that shit ain’t always gonna be as fucked up as they think, and it sounded like a good bunch of stuff swirling around the room. The guys talked about their fucked up parents and hard living for a while, as most of us can probably do for hours on end, given the opportunity. It all boiled down to giving up the teddy bear and finding something to do with your hands that’ll keep you showing up and answering to somebody for something, otherwise you’ll have endless free time to fuck your life up. The guys talked a while about how poor people and rich people raise their kids differently and a lot of it has to do with the stress of not knowing if you’re gonna keep a roof over your head, and the calmness of knowing you’ve got nothing but time to focus on your family. Jude made the point of reminding everybody that wealth is almost impossible to get without being born with it, cause ‘Murrica. Jude and Ellis talked a while longer about the ridiculous shit that used to come spilling out of their dad’s mouths, which I took to heart cause I had years of that shit myself and it’s mentally taxing but I can laugh about it when I repeat it to other people. After talking a while about alcoholic parents and AMC’s Mad Men (returning this fall!) the guys switched to talking about how New York’s public transit system really contributes to alcoholism, but doesn’t help anybody in a game of hockey. Then there was more general talk about hockey and team sports in general, which I don’t follow any of so it all flew over my head like an Amazon Prime drone delivering a 5lb bag of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears to somebody committing a gastrointestinal prank against their frat bros (Google the product reviews, a biblical plague inside of someone’s bowels makes them a writer far and above the caliber of those of us here at NYA). There was more talk of influencing the kids though skateboarding or Muay Thai, but it’s all gonna have to wait until Ellis is off the blood thinners cause it’s not good for him to be getting cut right now. Jason has finally given up the quest to complete the OSbourne family guest appearances, as he’s sick of not getting any feedback from Kelly Osbourne on twitter so he unfollowed her. Probably means nothing to anyone else, but for somebody who loves Ozzy so much, it had to be hard for him to do. In other news tough, Chael Sonnen is not gonna be allowed to participate in UFC 175 due to the new rules regarding testosterone replacement therapy! But don’t feel bad Chael, I got a bunch of credit car processors that could do to have their heads kicked into a fine slurry simply so that I can get things done during the day without having to waste so much time and high blood pressure on telling these people what biblical plagues I will visit upon them with an improbably large penis and the spinal remains of their children. The guys took a break to regroup and play some old school Prince Of Darkness in honor of his daughter not ever coming on the show.

The guys came back to talk to Michelle Waterson, the @karatehottieMMA on twitter female MMA fighter who has been known to bounce back from a pregnancy and fight professionally in less than a years time. Michelle and the guys talked for a while about the struggles of parenting and still trying to be a professional fighter. Michelle gave birth at home with no drugs in the water, and while I would normally automatically dismiss this as someone just being a god damn hipster and praying that they get sucked under a truck on their fixie bike, this lady could probably snap into me like a slim jim, and she’s also been on American Ninja Warrior, so even if I think it’s true, I’d never say it to her face. There was more talk about fighting and moving from one of the other organizations all the way up to the UFC someday. Michelle has also been known to dabble in a bit of modeling and stunt work, most notably MacGruber (yep, that movie that the obscene cum noises came from that the guys like playing so much). Michelle also was on Bully Beatdown that one time, so of course it had to be asked if Mayhem tried to get a piece of it, cause she is Asian, and we all know Mayhem (Allstate!). The folks all talked for a while about how to control your kids’ behavior by feeding them the right foods and keeping sugar to a minimum. With the last few minutes they had Michelle on the phone, they drafted her to be a future sideline fighter at an upcoming EllisMania, which would make it a lot more interesting, seeing as a 105lb lady kicking random people in the face would be a fantastic sight and adds greatly to the comedic value. Have you heard that Bill Gates (the anti-poon-tang) is investing millions and millions in trying to develop the next generation condom, so that men won’t be so lazy about using them and keep making idiot babies for MTV shows and passing around the herps? Well, you’ll be delighted to know that one of the ideas that has been sent his way is the very same rubber undies that the guys were talking about yesterday afternoon! The only problem is, your average guy is gonna sweat in them and develop some pretty mean athlete’s wang. Plus, the condom part is kinda screw on and seems like just a bad idea all around. There’s a show in Australia called Bogan Hunters (on channel 7Mate, yes 7Mate) and it’s a reality show about hanging out with metal heads or something of the sort, and of course Tully had an episode primed up to give us all an inside look at how Australian heshers party. Now, most reality TV is pretty well scripted, and I can certainly detect elements of this in the audio, and as you might expect, everything was just as Australian as you could possibly expect and alcohol was flowing like urine from a Betsy Wetsy doll with a medicine ball on it’s stomach. Jason was generous enough to pause the audio and translate some of the slang so that all of us would know what “pulling a root” means, or what a “slab” is. Cumtard interjected that it was similar to Jersey Shore, but Jason equated it more to Hoarders, both of which make me despise humanity, however Bogan Hunters was a pretty friendly exchange and Australians are cut off from the world, so they gladly accept any and all who arrive on their shores to break the monotony of looking at the same bunch of Australians from birth to death. Tully remembers when he had to put his foot down on the beer selection at his wedding and it turned into him basically telling his mom to get some fucking culture and try new things. This all got kicked off by the conversation about how many different kinds of beers there are at an average 7Eleven in this day and age. I’m surprised that with Tully having actually been to Japan, that he’s never been into a Japanese 7Eleven. According to a news article I read, the coffee there is superior quality to anything you can get at Starbucks, the food is restaurant quality and not just the same rotisserie crap they have here, you can buy hard liquor and interrnational plane tickets, and pay your college tuition, ALL AT A FUCKING SEVEN ELEVEN!!! TELL ME I’M STILL IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH BITCH, I FUCKING DARE YOU!!! LEAVE YA MOTHER FUCKIN HOUSE AND LEARN YOU SUMPIN!!! *ahem* so the guys talked beer for a while, as well as Doritos and how Monster Energy might as well just powder up that energy blend and make some Monster Breakfast Doritos that the kids can freebase out of a light bulb. There were more ideas for the cross promotions that Monster could do, like Monster Milk, or crystal methamphetamine! WILSON stopped in for a bit because there were Wolfknife names to give out, and we salute all the newest members of the ranks: Dick Jackoff, Wolf Nugget, Lick Dickson, The Lone Boner, The Other Lone Boner, Escargot-Nads, Cunt Succubus, Gringo Starr, Rigor Morty Freedman, and Insecure Vag. After all that, the guys took a breather to get over the Monster and Doritos cereal that Tully crushed up like a handful of oxycodone and railed up off of the desk.

The boys came back from break and after pounding out 20 pushups, Tully let us all in on a little secret: he headbutted a security gaurd after he took a piss yesterday during a break. Put the fucker on his ass and just kept strolling, cause THAT IS WHO THE FUCK MICHAEL TULLY IS BITCH! Then there was some talk about Game Of Thrones, which I didn’t watch cause there just seems to be a certain cheese factor to it and I find myself far more entertained by other things on most Sunday evenings. Mickey Avalon is being sued by his maid because she allegedly electrocuted herself on his poorly maintained oven. Most of the case is because he didn’t provide workers comp, which would be fair if Mickey Avalon lived somewhere that was worth providing workers comp for you cleaning lady, if you even had one at all. Buck Angel (FTM transsexual porn star that’s manlier than most of the people you probably know) is getting a divorce from his long time wife and trying to get $2,000 a month in spousal support from the wife cause fuck it, somebody’s gotta pull it off for us eventually. All that Hollywood news means nothing though, cause the real story is that Joanna Angel is in studio to put stuff on a blindfolded Kevin Kraft’s balls. You may remember the last time she came by to do this, and Kevin produced one of the greatest metal high notes in all of history when Joanna put worms on his balls. Joanna and the guys threw around ideas for new movies (porno and otherwise), as well as just some run of the mill jaw jacking amongst friends. They all traded stories about the adventures that came about in making The Woodsman and how Joanna tried to use that movie in a reel for her own acting career and her agent told her that just wouldn’t fly cause what the fuck is The Woodsman? And that was all well and good, but it’s not the reason Joanna’s in the studio today. For today’s episode of the Smartest Box In The World, the mystery substances were some random porn star’s semen, duct tape, sandpaper, a cactus, barbecue tongs, Jetta’s tongue (not really, it was a pig tongue, but they kept the gag going cause Kevin’s reaction was priceless), a shock collar, a feather duster, pubes (which required Jetta to break out the dustbuster for some extra torture), worms (again, but a different kind from last time), an unusually sharp and grabby feeder mouse, and finally itching powder cause it wasn’t enough that cum, cactus thorns and mouse claws are all irritants, so why not grind some irritant chemicals into the wounds? The guys gave the Tard a chance to go clean up and took another break to assess the psychological state that would make a person want to participate in such a hilarious form of torture.

In the last half hour, Joanna and the boys discussed the lamest thing that’s ever made them cry. Joanna got a little teary eyed watching Orange Is The New Black, but was quickly outdone by Tully crying explaining a Morrissey concert to his wife. However, not one to be overtaken, Joanna recalled a time when she cried watching a Motley Crue concert, cause seeing an aging hair metal singer who killed someone in a drunk driving accident literally hit the wall musically just has to be a traumatic experience. The guys took some calls about the lamest thing everybody’s cried about but that was quickly derailed by the fact that nobody was calling. Tully found a news study in which male face bones have evolved to absorb punches, so fellas, if you punch somebody in the face it’s not doing as much damage as you think. Stick to body shots, well placed you can shut down the liver and put a mother fucker on the floor instantly. A few folks called in to tell their stories about the lame shit they cried about and nobody bothered answering the phones, so Joanna and the guys just started talking about music and movies that are really sad, like that Johnny Cash cover of Hurt, which I can no longer listen to cause it got ridiculously over played and I kind of preferred the original anyway, but I can see why that might make someone tear up. Tully howenver, took the opportunity to be Tully and perform a posthumous character assassination of Johnny Cash’s last few albums and cover songs and let everyone know that Rick Rubin was the one really pulling the strings. So, phone calls, sad stuff, one guy had a cat that he got right after 9/11 and it died and he cried when he lost the phone where he took all the pictures of the cat, but then he found the phone again so that was lame. Joanna once cried after banging somebody and letting things get weird cause when you’re a girl you don’t always make complete sense in all the things you do. Another guy called in to tell everybody about how he cried like a little bitch over the movie Dumb and Dumber during the scene when they sold the dead bird to the blind kid. Twitter rose up like a torrential wave of bullshit over Tully’s remarks on Johnny Cash, and much as the internet does, it got everything wrong and blew the whole thing out of proportion, and then the townspeople rejoiced when Tully agreed to go to rehab for his musical taste. Someone else called in to tell us all about how he cried over some techno music after he let a hot girl convince him to take ecstasy cause GOD DAMMIT THE CRESCENDOS MOTHER FUCKER!!! Joanna once cried when she didn’t have a good breakfast of Monster and Doritos and late in the day she went to brunch with some folks but GOD DAMMIT THEY STOPPED SERVING BREAKFAST BEFORE NOON AND SHE DIDN’T GET THERE UNTIL 1PM!!! IT’S A CRIME I TELL YOU!!! WHO WILL CRUSH THIS WOMAN A BAG OF DORITOS AND POUR MUSCLE MONSTER STRAWBERRY ENERGY SHAKE ON IT FOR HER?!?!?!???! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! *ahem* So anyways, a few people cried watching Dogg: The Bounty Hunter and Extreme Makeover Home Edition, one guy called in to say he cries every time he listens to Pearl Jam, and Ken Block’s personal mechanic cried watching the car he built win the world rally cross championship, which is at least understandable. And that was pretty much it, so next time you cry watching My Little Pony, just know that it’s perfectly alright to masturbate using the tears as lube.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/3/14

Posted on June 3, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Have you ever had one of those days when you were really busy and you know that when you get off work it’s gonna be impossible to find a parking space and a few thousand shitheads are gonna be clogging up every inch of free space in your neighborhood for no good reason? That’s right folks, it’s Primary Election day here in California, and if finagling my giant Dodge truck in between a Prius and a driveway wasn’t difficult enough already, I gotta run down the street and risk spontaneous human combustion as I enter the neighborhood church where my polling place is and continue to take part in a corporate sham called the voting process, where the candidates have openly admitted in the information mailed to me by the state of California that “CUSTOMER SERVICE IS NUMBER 1!!!!!” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!??!? THEY AT LEAST USED TO TRY AND HIDE THAT SHIT BUT COME THE FUCK ON, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL ME NOT TO SHOW UP WITHOUT MY WALLET!!! Luckily, there’s Canada, and I will be shooting my loads on her fertile soil soon enough. Also, I’ve got the entire series of “Transmetropolitan”, a comic about government corruption exposed by a psychotic, drug-addicted journalist in a future much worse but not so different from the world we live in today, and if I could be adopted by a fictional character, it would be that guy. He throws grenades off his balcony, assaults federal agents with a bowel disruptor, and simply cannot leave the word “fuck” out of everything he does. But today, let us enjoy the audio spectacle which is the Jason Ellis show, as he reminds us that there is a happiness in one’s own stupidity, as long as you’re smart enough to know when it is happening. Today’s show got started with a little discussion about how badly Bruce Lee would whoop the shit out of most people, even today. Basically, you gotta make your point as a person as best you possibly can, because life is fleeting and politicians are becoming more like McDonald’s cashiers every mother fucking day. Jason has been avoiding the scale because he’s still recovering from having a laser probed into his heart by way of the groin, but he’s really excited to get back to training so he can be the best one vs. ten fighter in all of history. That is, of course, if his ankles will allow it. Tully has never been able to stay at any exact weight, but he has been able to stay within his target healthy weight give or take 7 lbs. Although, him and his wife both got sloppy as fuck cause they both like food and when you’re in a relationship, you’ll cosign just about anything for some sweet poon tang. Hatebean got called in to record more new material, and in a perfect return to form, it made no sense and gives me more reason to fear for Cumtard’s safety come EllisMania 10. Also, his inner southerner came out and he left no one out of it except the master race. He tried to cover his ass, but even Jetta heard it, so it had to have happened. Cumtard scrambled to replay the audio so that he could possibly usurp Will’s throne as SiriusXM’s only 72 hour a day employee, but Jude stepped in to ease the tension while that was being cued up. Will and Jude were having a conversation about how people smell, and oddly enough Jude has identified that trannies have their own particular scent, due to the hormones they take, but you can only notice it when they’ve been sweating. Basically, they smell like onions and butt, according to the guy in the know. Jude also used to offend the strippers at the titty bar he worked at cause he wore rubber gloves when he wiped down the pole. The guys kicked around the idea of the best way to remove jizz moppers from the job market by replacing them with a high powered, wet-dry Roomba type machine, and it does sound like a viable way to cut the overhead at your local jack off booth and return qualified workers to the talent pool for better opportunities. Jude thought somehow that they were talking about training insects to do the job, but he’s been known to snort special K and blast Supertramp for hours on end, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he just misheard something. Speaking of mishearing things, the guys played back the audio of Hatebean defaming the black community, and I heard it too, but he insists that he was talking about licking someone’s face. WILSON is sticking to his guns though, he’s basically so anti-racist, that he’s just like all those self loathing closeted gay people who yell the F-word out the window when they’re driving by then whisper “I love you” once they’re out of earshot. Considering that WILSON and Cumtard have the most ambiguous bromance in all existence, it is looking more and more like Kevin is gonna make a play to become “power-top” in the relationship. Jude is gonna be attending this role reversal session, but he’s not gonna be fighting, cause if Jason has his way, Jude would be fighting a gay Mexican tranny, and while he made that work the one time when he caught one breaking into his house, it would be a sad day for his career if he couldn’t finish the job in a crowd setting. He can however, officiate over Tully and Shoebox’s “sports entertainment” match that will be happening at this event, which I am looking forward to more and more, and god dammit somebody needs to make a highlight reel of all of these fucking things and sell it on VHS in the 99 cent bin at 7-Eleven. Hatebean will be performing as well, and I know that there’s some black people who will be there, so keep your eyes out for Pendarvis getting his ass beat once in a controlled setting, and once more at the Circle Bar, post-performance. The guys worked out some of the logistics of the tensome fight, and no matter how it lands, it’s gonna be a good time. Ellis floated the idea of having an event on a pirate ship and they kicked around a few ideas on how to make it make some slight amount of sense, while still having full nude strippers and alcohol and some sort of full contact sport in international waters. There were some ideas like making people walk the plank and then have to get dressed in drag after the life boats fish them out of the water, and some other stuff like that. the folks took some calls on things and stuff, as is sometimes known to happen, people offered free or reduced price goods and services for whatever hare-brained scheme Ellis is struck by on any given day, and a few people called in with stupid questions and stuff, the guys kicked around more pirate party ideas that sound more and more like a high school event but with full frontal and an open bar and violence, cause all three of those together never caused a problem anytime in recorded history. Jason keeps mentioning some giant Coca-Cola ball from some advertisement that as far as I know does not exist, and suggesting to have people do things to it on a pirate ship. Surrounded by liquor and naked ladies. Let’s stew on all that for a while and listen to a song that the Beatles covered by Charles Manson, that I personally liked better when Motley Crue covered it twenty years later.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS YA FUCKS!!! J-Lo is allegedly banging some dude whose last name is Smart and all of Jenny’s people are sick of answering questions about the guy, but the real news is that the guy is probably keeping a tranny on the side. Well, you heard it here first, some more shit that is basically just appeasing someone’s ego and giving stupid people attention without properly citing that they’re stupid and deserve to be ridiculed. While we’re on the topic of people who need to be ridiculed for their inferior mental capacities, in the neighborhood near my work, the street directly in front of my shop is a 90 minute zone, and there is one 90 minute zone parking space directly around the corner. Now, just beyond that 90 minute space is one more big parking spot and then a driveway. I show up early enough in the day that that space is almost without fail, completely empty and free for use by whoever shows up to claim it, and I have used it almost every day for the better part of 4 years with absolutely no problems at all, unless I forget that it’s street sweeping day. It has been a faithful and glorious parking spot, directly around the corner from work so I can quickly retreat to my vehicle in inclement weather and make a speedy retreat from the near criminal amount of time I spend dealing with the public at large. I almost want to hang some needlepoint at that space, it feels so much like home. A nicely embroidered Dodge Ram logo, or something of the sort. Anyways, for the past, oh, maybe 8 months or so, we have not seen hide nor hair of a metermaid anywhere in the neighborhood, at all, and I mean not a single one, even on street sweeping day, or when some cocksucker refused to pay us and abandoned his car for a month right outside the building. In the last couple days, the city of Albany, California has started trying to solve their understaffing problem by hiring some new metermaids, and we know this because we see them driving around and spot those telltale chalk marks they leave on the tires so they can tell who’s been parked in the same place for too long. Now, as I stated before, I’m always parked in a legal spot. It hasn’t been rezoned and they’re waiting on a new sign to put up, or any other kind of bullshit like that, it’s a legal spot. And today, this cock smoking piece of shit in his little Euro-midget fully enclosed utility scooter comes trotting through the neighborhood and marks every single car on the block I’m parked on. Surely one would think, “OK, they’re new, they can see the sign and see that the 90 minute zone is just that one spot” but nay sir, you would be a fool, for you should know that doubting the stupidity of your public servants is akin to believing that Jesus Christ visited a convicted con artist in Utah and told him to start a religion based off of some gold tablets that only he could read. That’s right folks, this waste of valuable organs that could certainly be put to better use not a mere five miles away from me at Children’s Hospital Of Oakland as donor parts for some poor cancer ridden 6 year old, gave me a god damn parking ticket for exceeding the 90 minute limit. They couldn’t even give me the respect of a fix-it ticket for the expired tags I’ve got on there, which I have current ones for, I just haven’t felt like putting them on. No, this fucking floater in the gene pool just reinforced my belief that we could get real police work done if we would just fire all the metermaids and start making beat cops give out parking tickets. It would humble our cops by reminding them that they really should be doing the shit work, cause that’s what the job should be about, and it would save our cities and counties countless amounts of money in wasted time and worthless employees. And as a fringe benefit, the type of brain trust that isn’t qualified for anything better than being a metermaid will be unemployed and starve to death, thus reviving the natural mechanism known as evolution. DID I MENTION IT’S FUCKING VOTING DAY AND MY NEIGHBORHOOD DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH PARKING AS IT IS?!?!??! AAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAA!!! But anyways, back to the show. So J-Lo has a soft spot for some freaky mother fuckers, and all things considered, at least it’s not children or pets, so fuck it. Now that that’s out of the way, TJ Dillashaw is in studio to talk fighting with Ellis and Tully, and surely enough that’s what he did! I’m not gonna bore you with the details, cause you’re all probably sick of me after that metermaid rant (KILL THEM! NEXT ONE YOU SEE, BASH HIS FUCKING SKULL IN) but if you’re into hearing about the sport of MMA, there was plenty to listen to and form opinions about in the whole back and forth between TJ and Ellis. The Teej also brought along some guy named Duane, and he contributed where necessary. They also revisited that one guy that Ellis spotted hanging around the cage yelling “YOU GO CREEEHHHZZEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!” You know, that weird Asian guy decked out like a 1980’s coke dealer. Master Chong, I believe his name was. Anyways, the guys talked EllisMania for a little while, possibly to draft more pro talent to randomly punch the unlucky volunteers who can’t put the bong down long enough to think it through before they sign the release forms at this glorious event. So, they talked more fighting and random stuff for a while, and that was all well and good. Then Tully suggested that TJ should hit the punch pad, and gods be damned, The Dilla to the mothafuckin Shaw got right up there with the best of them scoring a respectable 72, but then on the 4th try he put down an indisputable 84, taking 1st place over Jason on the wall of mother fuckers hitting the punch pad. Oh, and that Asian coke dealer MMA coach is named Master Thong, but with a hard T sound. After all that, the guys gave a fond farewell and cranked up some Rose Tattoo and regrouped for the next visitor.

So, if I haven’t said anything bad about the church today, strap yourselves in for this one. A youth ministry in Alabama put up a billboard to advertise their after school group and it contained the quote “He alone who owns the youth, gains the future” and the reason this quote is such a problem, is that it’s from Adolf Hitler. And the billboard clearly credits him, with a picture of five blond southern children. Now, it’s important to note, just for the sake of being historically accurate, that Hitler hated religion, so in his own time, he never would have endorsed a chuch using his material for advertising purpose. It’s also important to remember that Christ was Jewish, so quoting a guy that tried to have the jews exterminated is, to say the least, in poor taste. And of course, let us not forget that “Jesus” is not the new “YOLO” and that just cause you meant well doesn’t mean you’re not dumber than a bag of hammers and shouldn’t be allowed to leave your house without a permission slip, let alone get a job where you promote ideas to the public. That said, MADCHILD is in the house today, and as a fan of his work I could not be more excited. For those who don’t know some of the back story, Madchild grew up in Vancouver with David and Sluggo Boyce of the Red Dragons, so Jason got to know him when he lived up that way many years ago. Madchild gave a quick recap of his rise and fall with drugs and shitty friends, you know, the kind of thing that comes with being any kind of rising star in the music industry. He’s clean now though, and they don’t stop him at the border when he tries to come do a show in the US, which is awesome cause him and Swollen Members are a great time live. The guys bantered a bit in regards to Jason’s head tattoo and Madchild’s face tattoos, cause it’s worth really getting an answer to that question, so they called in the interns to judge it, and aside from the way that Madchild was dressed, all dapper and toned down and shit, it is probably a bit more frightening to talk to a guy with battleaxes on his cheek. In a nod to that horrible freestyle session from a few weeks ago, Jason tried to coerce the new interns, who are not yet named, who I shall now refer to as thing one and two, into a freestyle battle against Madchild and that was fucking atrocious, but not for Mad cause he kind of does this type of thing for a living. After watching thing one’s abortion slither down his leg, we heard from thing two and it was equally as traumatic as watching a pack of ferrets devour a senior citizen. Madchild sounded fairly amused with it, and then he got to make two grown men go get him a Red Bull, and that just feels great. Jason noticed that Madchild is a pretty fit mother fucker, and it turned to a line of questioning that both revealed that Mad can pull down just about any piece of tail he wants, and that he’s got all the fans to thank for the 10,000 mile snail trail he’s been sliming all the way across America and Canada. Somehow, this turned the conversation towards inducting Mad into Horse Force, where he would tote around a giant .357 Magnum like Dirty Harry and freestyle bitches into his apartment any time of day or night. Madchild was talking about the tour he’s taking on with Swollen at the moment and Tully couldn’t help but keep shooting radio interviewer eyes at him and Jason kept asking absurd questions that kept everything lighthearted and jocular. The guys talked massive orgies and lighting rednecks on fire at gas stations for a while, and the guys took a listen to the new single by Swollen Members called “cock blocker” and it was a real treat. Then the music dropped out and the mics were still hot (as far as I know, it sounded like an abrupt end and the crew were all mid sentence talking about Jason’s gold teeth) and that’s when Tully decided to throw down the gauntlet and challenge Madchold to fight him at EllisMania, and he respectfully lifted the gauntlet, filled it with Krystal and poured it on a stripper’s titties (which means he accepted). Ellis tried to get Mad to hit the punch pad, but he declined on the grounds that he may look fit, but one superfoord drink doesn;t counter a pack a day smoking habit. All that said though, it’s gonna be a fucking good show come october or september or whenever it happens. Jude stepped back in the studio real quick to give his two cents on the Madchild/Tully throwdown, and Jude was very clear in letting everybody know that Tully does not give a fraction of a fuck and will fuck shit up like O.J. got convicted twice. And if all that isn’t enough, Madchild actually will perform at EllisMania this time, not like last year when he got held up at the border and couldn’t make it to Vegas. The guys reveled in the glory of what is sure to be a fucking incredible weekend in just a few months, and also suggested having Dave and Sluggo Boyce fight eachother, which sounds like another epic match up, if only most of the fans could actually tell them apart in person (I’m looking at you Faceplant, yeah you). The guys took one more quick breather to firm up details and talk shit about eachother’s moms to really get the competitive juices flowing, and the fans all fangasmed all over each other on twitter for a few minutes.

In case you didn’t catch it, Jason was on HLN with Dr. Drew on Tuesday night. He got a little heads up on what some of the topics were going to be this time, like the Family Dollar employee who tried to mace a kid with Febreeze, but to be fair the kids were shoplifting and smoking while pregnant (my god, the banjos are deafening on this one). Tully and Ellis watched a video of this exchange and couldn’t help but notice that someone yelled out “WORLDSTAR!” which, in and of itself, just goes to show where society’s heading. It really boils down to the fact that fighting is bad, and it’s especially bad when one idiot makes it something that an otherwise intelligent person can’t get out of, but when two idiots fight there’s really no loss to the rest of the world. Tully and Ellis talked for a while about how scared Michael should be to fight Madchild, and how the only thing he has to fear is Will winning against Cumtard and having to watch some live avant garde gay porn. The guys discussed some more tactics for how to make a good appearance, like ranking all the female guests based on appearance. There was more news about shitty people being shitty, like a teacher harassing someone’s daughter over some flat out stupid shit. Or that guy who wanted to fight to the death with a court appointed officer over a parking ticket. There was some more discussion about the many ins and outs of this next EllisMania, like wheel of doom fight, and people having to battle rap and all sorts of shit like that. My god, it’s shaping up to be a fantastic event. There were final calls and stuff, and that went as expected. That is to say, a call screener could cleanup really nicely if that’s ALL they had to do there, instead of making the producers split the job while they’re already busy with other stuff. All that aside though, the fans have some fucked up ideas in terms of which male cartoon characters they would marry. Just look at the crowd though, it makes enough sense. J2 called in to remind everyone that it’s been 15 years since he was paralyzed by a spinal cord injury, but that kind of shit should only slow you down if you’re a massive vag. After all that was done, the final calls devolved into a bunch of guys talking cartoons and there was no one there to shut them up with pudding. But Tully had some good points about fucking Scrooge McDuck.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

No You Are

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