Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/19/14

Posted on August 19, 2014 by shit_toboggan

I just renewed my truck insurance and health insurance and god damn if it didn’t feel like a barbed stone cock just got aggressively forced into my rectum. I mean, I’m going to the land of free health care and I doubt a California minimum policy from GEICO is gonna cover me in another country. Somebody bring me that fucking British gecko, I got some god damn questions I need answered. That pig ain’t gonna be no help, but if you wanna chop him up and make me a BLT you can hunt him down too. And whatever animal’s paw print they used for the Kaiser Permanente logo, BRING ME ALL THE MASCOTS!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH YOUR CORPORATE POLICIES AND YOUR ANIMAL REPRESENTATIVES SHOULD BE TRAINED TO HELP ME!!! While I wait for a veritable Noah’s menagerie of fortune 500 figureheads, I figure now would be a good time to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a mighty thunderous fart (from me) and some talk of bugs eating poo inside the human body and how next time that happens, Tully is fully allowed to take the reigns. Jason went to the doctor yesterday because he’s had a rumbly in his tumbly for a while now and he’s old enough to know that tempting fate is a luxury reserved for the young and stupid. Luckily though, the symptoms haven’t included diarrhea so it was no problem over the weekend at the UTV race. So, the doctor gave Ellis some stuff to clean himself out, but if it doesn’t work, he’s gonna have to do like Cumtard did that one time and shit in a plastic cowboy hat and have the scientists analyze it. Tully has had to shop for a new doctor cause Dr. Creepy won’t take his phone calls anymore, strangely enough, starting the day after they started calling him Dr. Creepy on the air, but he has a few things saved up to get poked and fingered and swabbed in the near future. Jude came in to hang out with the guys in his “gave up on life” look, which includes swim trunks and a plain t-shirt over some boat shoes. Jason went on the Jesse Ventura podcast and couldn’t help but call out the guy with the minigun in “Predator” on not knowing that pro wrestling is a lot less work than a legitimate sport like MMA or Playstation 3. Jude and Jason are both on a “fuck the world” kick right now cause really, a guy was able to raise $20,000 to make fucking potato salad on KickStarter, so what the fuck should I be amped about? The guys talked McDonalds for a bit cause they know they all have a particular menu item they routinely get, and it speaks volumes about a persons status in the world of pedophilia. Tully saw a video of a guy smoking McDonald’s french fries, and this quickly turned to drafting Jetta to toke up on some potato and wood pulp goodness. Jason told Jude about his experience racing this weekend and how he was kicking way more ass than normal and that’s always a nice feeling in your guts, not like bugs eating your poo. Jude told the guys he can’t even drive a stickshift, which makes sense cause American cars are huge in Detroit and they’re notorious for not making a manual transmission version of just about anything. Jude went antiquing at the flea market this weekend, which is far less gangster than off road mini truck racing, but he WAS fucked up on muscle relaxers, and he’s an amazingly white mother fucker, so it actually kinda worked. The guys talked about how cleaning when you’re high is usually not a good sign, even though your apartment is gonna be fucking SPOTLESS!!! Somehow, the story of Jude buying some crystal liquor glasses turned into a lesson about the Freemasons and how a collection of old rich Christians have put a magical Jew into power over everything. Luckily though, Zach Galifinakis has nothing to do with them, so when Hangover 6 comes out, it’s still OK to watch it without feeling like a traitor to free thought or anything like that. Ellis got caught saying “bullshit” in front of his kids this weekend, but Jude was able to calm him down by letting him know that the more you cuss in front of your children, the more they’ll rebel against you and turn into upstanding young citizens. Jason also went to El Compadres for dinner with the kids and somebody was using foul language really loud and as Jason was leaving he got a text from Blasko saying it was his friends and that they’re sorry for tainting the youth and will wait until they’re in junior high and developing their own personalities before they take that honor. The guys talked parenting for a while cause they’re all dad’s except for Jude who’s a fuckin’ Champiooooooonnnnnn but still sees his daughter. Tully’s kid is gonna be a track star someday and Tiger Ellis is gonna be wrecking shit at the dirt bike track like Return Of The Yard Sale: Electric Boogaloo. But that shit doesn’t matter so much cause Jude’s book Hyena is dropping on the 23rd and if you got the first sun, there’s gonna be more of it in the new version and if you didn’t get it on the first run, you can suck a dick, then learn to read and go buy it! And if you have a huge clit, Jude will not turn you away. Just don’t be a massive cunt. Some people called in to talk about cursing in front of your kids and whether or not it’ll make your kids shitty or if it’s really kind of a moot point. I for one, have noticed that kids are idiots, and idiots latch onto things really easily, so if you think it’s something an idiot shouldn’t be trusted to do safely and correctly, keep it the fuck away from them. Jude had to step out to do his regular gig, but he did let us know that next Monday, we’re gonna hear Tully on the Foreally show! Which is fucking awesome for all of us who love some Foreally, like me, and a bunch of other people who work here. And remember folks, vomiting stops people from rioting, so if you’re shopping for home defense accessories, an industrial drum of ipecac and a bunch of Super Soakers is a great idea.

MOTO NEWS WITH A BIG FAT DICK FO YA MOTHAFUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! In the 450’s at Indiana this weekend, it was muddy and there was racing and Ryan Dungey got cock-blocked like a priest at an all boys military school. I mean, Josh Grant for fuck’s sake. Josh Grant. Like many times when I have no idea what I’m talking about and just feel like being a dick, I’m sure Dungey is feeling the pain without any help from the public and will try harder next time. Now, I didn’t watch any of it, but the guys talked moto for a while longer and sounded like they knew what they were talking about better than I would. Jason would be enjoying moto some more on his own time if it weren’t for the fact that he had to give his bike back to Suzuki, and also he has a turd brewing that would suffocate a moose. There was some MMA talk which I also only vaguely paid attention to, but it sounds like it was good watching for the weekend. Tully has found himself more racist against the English than he used to be, mostly because of Jason Ellis and the UFC. There was talk of how Josh Koscheck is an announcer now because when you get punched and kicked in the head that severely for that amount of time, it’s a shitty move to lay somebody off. Tully suggested that Affliction should do an endorsement deal where they find people with out of date looks and give them makeovers with new Affliction gear, AND AT THE SAME TIME redesign Affliction gear to not look so shitty. But hey, none of that’s important cause WOMEN!!! AM I RIGHT?!?!?! A guy in Oklahoma is in the process of divorcing his wife and since he’s worth a few billion dollars, the courts are trying to figure out if he earned it legit or if he did some crooked shit, and that’s important cause his future ex-cunt is trying to get half of it. That’s right, half of 17 billion fucking dollars. Another lady in New Mexico was living with another lady and was dating that lady’s brother, and the siblings found out that the first lady was having sex with their dog on a regular basis. Now, after she admitted it, the brother broke up with her, and one night they were all having dinner together (cause the spirit of forgiveness is pretty similar to idiocy in some particular cases) and the brother and sister noticed that the water they were drinking with their meal had…sort of a tint to it, but didn’t stop drinking it, and had a funny taste, but didn’t stop drinking it, and it was only after dog fucker kept encouraging them to eat that it started to seem like a murder plot, WHICH IT WAS! Cause dog fucker put rubbing alcohol in their water and toilet cleaner in the food cause HOW DARE YOU BREAK UP WITH DOG FUCKER?!?!??! DOG FUCKER BREAKS UP WITH YOU!!! A CNN reporter was at the US embassy in Baghdad and got picked up for being drunk and disorderly and apologized for telling emergency workers “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?!?!” while attempting to bite paramedics who (in a fit of reverse Darwinism) were trying to keep this lady from wandering into traffic or being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. A lady in Albany, New York stole a python from a local pet store, slung it around her neck like a scarf, and drove her prius into the side of a fire station cause apparently the subway doesn’t run anywhere that a person might actually want to go around there. A woman in Scotland went to the doctor cause she was losing weight and couldn’t stop shitting herself, and the doctor found a ten year old sex toy stuck in her vag. Hey, at least it wasn’t a toilet baby, am I right? A chick in Eerie, Pennsylvania was trying to rescue a cat from a tree, and ended up getting stuck there herself because some people don’t understand that nature will fucking handle itself and when that cat wants to come down it will, it doesn’t need your moronic attempts at help in which you do yourself more harm in the process. And finally, a woman in Indiana was driving home after eating a burger and got a message from god that she should let go of the wheel (which makes me think that’s a tasty fucking burger) and the second she let go of the wheel she rear ended a guy on a Harley and the bitch kept rolling like she didn’t just fire a guy across three lanes of traffic and narrowly missed running over his head, but took a nice digger over the guy’s midsection. And to make matters worse, she stuck to the story after the cops showed up. A guy who was stationed in Baghdad with that CNN lady said that she’s always been fucking nuts, but then again she’s also been reporting live from Baghdad for about a decade. The guys took a break cause that much estrogen can make anybody need a snack, and I need to take a piss.

Let’s all wish Everlast a happy birthday, belated as it might be, cause he’s a good dude and it’s nice to be appreciated. You should also donate to cystic fibrosis research cause that would be a huge help to him and his daughter. After that though, you should get the cock off your chest, cause Brock Lesnar is now in the WWE and that’s a lot of cock to get off of a person’s chest. To start things off, Tully found a story about a 50-something year old Scottish guy who died with a vibrator in his ass cause he got it stuck and decided not to go to the hospital for five days, because today’s cock off you chest should hopefully be a sexual one. Any of your dark, weird fetish shit that your mother would disown you for, that’s what Tully wants to hear about. WILSON had to do 8 hours of community service and pay a $600 fine for littering (sexy littering). One caller said he pisses in the sink on a really regular basis, and not just at his own house. Next caller let the guys know that when he was in high school, his dad married a fine ass younger lady and one night while him and the stepmom were sitting around the house drinking, one thing led to another and they ended up fucking BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE, the son didn’t do a great job disposing of evidence, so even though the stepmom didn’t sell him out the dad still thought she was cheating with somebody and divorced her ass. Next we heard from a guy who was having group sex with another couple and felt a little stubble around his dick during a blowjob and when he hit the lights it was his buddy going down on him, not one of the ladies. After that we heard from a guy who also accidentally got blown by a dude at a porn shop jerk off booth when he stuck his dick through the glory hole and now he’s become kind of a regular patron of the glory holes. After that we heard from a lady who broke up with her boyfriend and started banging his best friend while she was on her period (LAAAAAAAMMEEE I’ve done that, it’s called being in your early twenties). Next we got a call from a guy who would routinely jerk off or blow his friend in his sleep, to completion. It gets weirder though, cause apparently the friend is as queer as a three dollar bill, but only in his sleep cause at times he would reciprocate, in his sleep. Next caller let his friend stroke him to completion when he was pretty young because his friend convinced him they had to do it as practice for when they start having to worry about girls. Next guy who called went out partying one night with some friends and his sister and after getting blackout drunk and not knowing what happened, he woke up naked, next to his sister. Yep, his sister. Next caller was a guy who had sex with his friend’s bride to be on a pretty regular basis and she knows all the same people and it’s a whole family thing and game of telephone bullshit. After that was a guy who was in a dispute with his girlfriend in the process of breaking up with her, and he had to break into her mom’s house to steal his dog back. Next was a guy who routinely hocks loogies in his boss’ slurpees and wipes his ass sweat in the dude’s respirator filter. After that was a dude who had a terrible phone connection but was able to let Hot Dog the call screener know that he illegally buried tons of fracking chemicals. Next was a guy who was fucking his girlfriend and his dog started licking his balls AND HE SWEARS IT’S A TRUE STORY but he doesn’t want to tell his girlfriend cause he kinda enjoyed it and didn’t try to stop the whole thing. Next we heard from a guy who was dating a virgin who didn’t want to fuck until marriage so he banged her best friend on her birthday. Then there was a dude who got his beer stolen in the high school locker room so he pissed in the dude’s shampoo. After that we heard from a bartender who banged a married lady who was going through a divorce and might have made a baby with her but he can’t be sure cause he doesn’t remember if he shot a load or not. Finally, we heard from a fellow who kept his old phone in his bathroom for playing sudoku on the john, but also had it set up as a motion detector camera so that he can record his wife fiddling the bean when she takes a bath. Voyeurism!!! The guys invited WILSON back in to give more details on his littering arrest, cause that shit is the kind of thing that only happens to black people in the 1950’s, and definitely not a white guy in a progressive state like ours in this day and age. The guys discussed for a while whether secretly filming your partner in their most self-intimate moments is a bad thing, and basically as long as it’s someone really close to you it shouldn’t be a big deal, but definitely not OK to do to your buddies or your sister. Shitting would be less of a problem to film than masturbating, so that opens up your options a bit, but still, just be sure you and whoever you’re filming are open and honest about your logs. So, back to Pendarvis getting racially profiled by a shitty cop, the reason he got a ticket for littering was because he tore up a receipt in a fit of modern day paranoia and somehow that enormously pissed off the cop that saw him doing it so he got a fine and community service for being an unreasonably nervous citizen of the digital age. And in a live performance that was probably missed by everyone, Wilson Pendarvis the Third was cleaning up trash on the sidewalks of Hollywood all day on Saturday. The guys tried to find some angle where this ticket actually makes sense not to resist, but given the way police have been acting lately, I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to poke the bear without a well appointed “us taxpayers won’t be taking your bullshit” type mob backing me up, which is hard to find cause the kind of people who would fight cops in the street usually aren’t taxpayers. There was more talk of how this particular cop is probably just pissed cause shit isn’t working out like all those action movies he’s been indoctrinated with and he’s THIS FUCKING CLOSE to being suspended for numerous citizen complaints, so he was probably just being a dick because the universe keeps kicking him in the balls and he unwittingly invites it by acting like an asshole. A lawyer called in to tell Pendarvis that he’s a bitch for not tacking that ticket and bitch slapping the officer with it, because it really is the most frivolous and pointless waste of public funds to continue employing that fucktard and it should be made as clear and public as possible. Another cop called in to tell him that he only got the ticket for having a shitty faux-hawk and googly eyes. Cumtard stepped in to tell the guys that when he got his jaywalking tickets he went to court on one of them and he got it thrown out cause even the cops know that some shit is too petty to bother showing up to court for and all they’re hoping is that you’re a bitch who won’t bother knowing your rights and making it a drain on others for cops to be idiots and not solve real crimes. Hot Dog never has to deal with the cops cause he’s too doughy and lovable, so it’s hard to consider him a menace to anything for jaywalking or tossing a cigarette butt. A male nurse in Croatia has been collecting the cocks of the dead for quite a while now, and was finally sussed out by the cops and is gonna have to… do something about it, cause postmortem castration is a shitty thing to do. Cumtard insisted that he’s heard of this happening here in the developed world but he can’t find a YouTube link so the jury is still out on it. The guys took some final calls as they’re known to do, and it was friendly and not fucking stupid, as they’re known to be. Oxycottin John called in too, and he’s doing good, so shout the mother fuck out. And now, I have to get back to my real job, insulting telemarketers until they kill themselves and wrangling cats.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/12/14

Posted on August 12, 2014 by shit_toboggan

CLERICAL WORK ALL DAY BITCHES!!! FUCKIN’ FILING AND COLLATING AND SERVICE REMINDERS AND ALL THAT CRISPY OFFICE SHIT WE MOTHAFUCKAS DO BEEYOTCH!!! It’s a good way to look back through the year and find out how many typos I made though, so it’s not all bad. Luckily, the most awesome background noise ever exists and it’s the Jason Ellis show! Today kicked off with Ellis reminding us that his balls are still SMMOOOOOOOOOOOTH as eggs, despite the mileage on them. As we in the auto industry have known for years, proper maintenance is key to getting the most out of your investment. It’s good to keep track of how your boner reacts to different stimuli, cause diet and exercise can affect so many different parts of how your body functions. He’s also dreading the day that he walks out of his bedroom in his pajamas and has to explain to Linsanity what an erection is. Jason was washing Devin’s hair the other day and his incredibly bald penis was noticed and traumatizing. Jude was still glad that Jason got the wax though, cause it was his idea. The guys talked for a while about murkins and the history and popularity of fake pubes. Jason and Jude chatted for a bit about the contract negotiations and how Jason is flying to New York tonight to talk to the big guns tomorrow about it. The guys discussed the new show “How Big is your Dick” with Dingo, and how there may not be much substance to it, but you can really separate the wheat from the chaff. They also recapped their own experiences with their own penises while I sat at my desk, angrily fellating a burrito, questioning the ebb and flow of everything that happens in the world. The guys put out an open call to the ladies who listen to the show to ask what they talk about with their friends in terms of swallowing a cock or if the guy they’re with can’t make them cum, but that didn’t really pan out as much as they probably were hoping, but a male ER nurse called in and apparently all the ladies in triage are some grimy bitches and will sell out any mother fucker they meet, just cause they can. The guys got wind of an ice cream social happening in the lobby of the building where their studio is, and Jude was planning to head down there to try and pull down some strange wool cause it’s never a bad time when that happens. Also, it’s the Sirius/XM company barbecue today, which seems really impractical to try and do in a downtown LA high rise office building, but apparently it’s a thing and everybody in the green room is putting back ribs like pork was about to go out of business. Jason saw the new movie “Lucy” and it was a tremendous pile of shit, but Morgan Freeman was electrifying as always and Scarlet Johanssen is a treat to watch prancing around in tight clothing, so definitely worth bootlegging. Jude told a story about one time when he was fucked up on ketamine watching a documentary about prostitutes and all of a sudden started hallucinating that his mom was a whore and he had a half-black brother, but luckily it was just the drugs talking. This got the guys to talking about those poor souls who attempted/seriously considered aborting their kids and at some point they start saying stuff like “I love you” and then things get weird. They also talked about exit strategy for a cheating relationship and how if you start fucking someone else, the smart thing to do is actually lie about it and break up with them for a totally bullshit reason just so you’re not fucking up their life cause you’ve got problems being monogamous. One guy called in to talk about his parents confessing to their entire church they planned to abort him, with him there, when he was like 13, cause they’re the best parents ever, if you’re into that sort of mind fucking. Jude has plans to give a guy a ride for drugs tonight cause sometimes your dealer doesn’t want to meet you at the train station, especially to move a lot of weight. Jason was on Dr. Drew On Call last night and talking about Robin Williams and the whole War Machine/Christy Mack thing and shit got intense cause the corpse hasn’t had a chance to cool and the authorities haven’t picked up War Machine to sort his internal organs out. And of course, Jenna Jameson had to step in to give her two cents on porn stars getting beat up by MMA fighters, and in her own inebriated haze she didn’t make much of a point other than that her 15 minutes are over. She also made it a point to sort of silently call out Tito Ortiz to try and get him hemmed up for some shit he had nothing to do with. Luckily though, she was so obviously perkin’ on some kind of shit that her bovine feces was completely transparent, like a pane of immaculately clean glass. The guys took a break so that Jude could get to his day job and the Jason and Tully could go get some barbecue before it ran out and forced them to roast Hot Dog over a burning garbage can.

To bring back talk about Robin Williams’ death for a minute and how much humanity needs a culling of the herd, in honor of Shark Week, a fuck ton of restaurants are claiming to add shark to their menu, cause sharks!!! Fuck you, it does have plenty to do with Robin Williams because he wanted to give us all a little bit of magic, despite the fact that he clearly saw all the shit wrong with us and the world we’ve made for ourselves. In other news, Jason brought back the Imperial Death March when WILSON walked in to talk to him about his plans for the next day or two. It’s probably gonna be a best of tomorrow, cause The Wing has a fucking busy day of showing up at 5 in the morning and generally threatening the management to honor their original deal or their suffering will be legendary, even in hell. Tully suggested trying to recreate the Anthony Cumia firing debacle just to see if he could spin it into something hilarious. The guys discussed with WILSON how Jason could manage his time effectively to do the meeting, and a 2 1/2 hour show and have a nap and make it to the airport in time to get back home, but it all sounds like heavy weather, New York traffic, LA traffic, and the world famous New York subway C.H.U.D’s are gonna be doing their best to keep it from going smoothly. Oxycottin John called in to remind Ellis that he could just do the meeting and take the rest of the day off to go do something fun, like go to a dungeon, or eat at Hooter’s. Seems like Ellis is gonna sort out all of that completely on the fly and we’ll find out tomorrow whether he does a short show or cruises alphabet city for a place to pour candle wax on somebody. The guys took a few suggestions from the callers and there were some half decent ones right up until some guy suggested dinner and a trip to the sex museum. Hot Dog suggested that Ellis ask Dingo to fly out and have lunch with him and Diddy after the meeting, except that he may have been stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and have no concept of what Dingo is actually doing or if he can get ahold of Diddy that easily. One caller suggested a Wolfknife meeting, but it’s a little too up in the air to plan anything on that short of notice. Tully watched Sharknado 2 and gave his recap of it, cause it’s Shark Week, and as terrible as it sounds, I still have no interest in sacrificing an hour and a half of my life to see it, but if you’re looking for a masterpiece of nonsense on film, I highly recommend Manos: The Hands Of Fate. A friend of mine showed it to me and it is quite possibly the worst movie ever made and that’s what makes it awesome. The guys took a break to polish off the Tard seat cause Kevin has another treat cooked up for everybody.

In Coonan MacGrubee news, Jason knows a lady who thinks she’s having sex with him but doesn’t have a DNA sample to prove it, but he also seems to be getting a big head over his newfound popularity in the UFC, based on some comments he made at a press conference recently. Then again, a bunch of people who never heard of him think he’s the shit right now, so it’s understandable that he might be feeling like his dick is way bigger than what he normally believes it to be. Hopefully, all the super Irish smack talk won’t turn into a recreation of my performance at EllisMania 8, but only pay-per-view will tell. There was some more talk about UFC stuff and Jason got cold feet about going to New York cause of the shitty weather reports and not having anything to do in the afternoon there, but his spirits were lifted when Cumtard came in to reprise his trademark musical segment, Tard That Tune!!! The tracks Kevin covered this time around were as follows:

1. Rage Against The Machine – Down Rodeo

2. Something I never heard and they didn’t say the name but it sounded like shit so I don’t care.

3. Owner Of A Lonely Heart by whoever the hell wrote that pile of shit.

4. Sugar Ray – Every Morning

5. Guns N Roses – Welcome To The Jungle (the audio of which was used to leave offensive messages on several people’s voicemail, and then was used to make a button)

6. Something else that I couldn’t identify and they didn’t say the name of

7. War – Cisco Kid

8. Sir-Mix-A-Lot – Baby Got Back

9. Wham! – Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go

10. Led Zeppelin – Black Dog

11. Katy Perry – Dark Horse

12. And finally, that one 80’s song with the saxophone solo that refuses to die that I learned today was called Baker Street.

Upon finishing this segment, the guys found out that there’s a lot of songs that Kevin tries and don’t make the cut, so they told him to crawl his ass in the dumpster and fish them out cause that shit has to be amazing. After that, the guys took a break to polish the Tard chair because the Tard sat in it and that’s always a good reason to clean off the furniture.

The guys came back from break to talk about all the hot meat and nuts they were shoving in their mouths while the music was playing, and for Jason to take a fat rail of caffeine off the fizzy head of a can of Monster. Then they talked dinosaurs and shit for a while and how wooly mammoths were probably the only animals that can pull of the whole “tusk” look. There was talk of Pompeii and how everybody probably died ther not from hot lava, but from the most destructive planetary fart ever which released a blast of 600 degree terraforming fury all over those ancient simpletons. Last time Tully was in Japan, he rode a train through Hiroshima and so the guys talked about the A-bomb for a while and how as soon as meth cooks figure out the formula, the South is fucked. In a vain effort to drum up more Canadian listeners, the guys put out a call to Canadians to see if they could find a person from each province to see if they could guess the highest ranked Google search terms. While they were waiting for Canadians to invent the telephone, Tully played a PSA from 1980’s Canada starring an alien named “Ass-Star” reminding everybody that “Only smoking can prevent bleach-drinking children from raping strangers in a forest fire” cause apparently that was a real problem back then and it needed to be drilled into their heads that it was a real situation that the public needed to get under control. The first Canadian, an Albertan, got on the phone to guess some of the most searched terms and he got oil fields/pipelines and then the string that connected the two soup cans broke and reception was lost. Another guy from Nova Scotia guessed where to find a job, but he was wrong because murder, assassination and torture are all really big there in the Scosh right now. Next we got a guy from Saskatchewan who guessed that people on the internet are way int the Sask Rough Riders, but he was wrong because Saskatoonies are still way into NNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCKELBBBBBAAAACCCCKKKKK, green poop, ice fishing, dubstep, bestiality, fisting and beavers (hopefully none of them in conjunction with each other cause that makes me not want to go to Canada anymore). A lady from British Colombia guessed that her fellow BC residents are constantly Googling weed cause it’s so common and it wasn’t cause stoners aren’t that proactive about anything, but they love MDMA, booze, gin, MDMA (again), hangover cures, breat reduction, feces and dominatrixes. A guy from Ontario where I’m headed guessed that the most common searches were election and bilingualism, and was pretty close cause conservative/liberal party and Steve Harper (their village shaman) were top searches, along with Drake, Justin Bieber, the word “hoser”, escort service, black jokes, “how to murder”, Ashley Madison, Asian Jokes, and autopsy photos. A dude from Quebec called in to act French and better than everybody even though the Canadians hate the French as well, and he guessed that people are searching for Ashley Madison, but it seems to be a localized thing in Ontario cause in Quebec people are looking for answers about masturbation, deep web (whatever the fuck that is), Limp Bizkit, golden shower, the mafia and of course poutine (you had to know that was going to be there). Another guy in New Brunswick thought that his fellow citizens were looking for info on abortions or police shootings, but the most common questions were about crossfit, maple syrup, deep throating, lesbian porn, amateur porn, and theft. A fellow from Manitoba guessed that people were looking to learn about Slurpees and murder, and he was wrong cause people there are looking for more to know about Rick Mercer (some dude who’s maybe a comedian or something), falafel, twerking, skateboarding, graffiti, rough sex, Stan (just the word Stan for no legitimate reason), overdose, poison and sniper. A guy from Newfoundland called in to guess that his neighbors were Googling boats but then he got into the local vernacular and shit got real weird so Tully just told us that Newfies are looking up hunting, anal sex, cocaine, vodka, hairy and BBW (combined, being the most common search items) and constipation. Nobody called from Prince Edward Island but they’re all checking to hear more about weed, penis, vagina, russia, depression, diarrhea, Shania Twain and being drunk. After a quick breather, the guys did some final calls and watched the video of a guy doing a burnout in a modified gas powered golf cart, and Jason talked about wanting to have a female boss that he could seduce for a raise. Ellis keeps throwing out the ideea of an everyday, high quality wear-about wig just for fucking with people or whatever and I can’t help but think of him going for the same thing from the Apple Juice music video thinking everybody else was liking it despit how obvious it would be that something is very VERY off in his appearance. There were some more suggestions about what Jason should do while he’s in New York and dirt racing and getting a rub and tug after an important business meeting and how Tim Silvia should hunt down that War Machine asshole, cause really, anybody but Dogg the Bounty Hunter, for the sake of the rest of us. One guy called to ask about hepatitis B like they would know about it, but the guys made it abundantly clear that if they were medical professionals, they probably wouldn’t have a dick and fart afternoon radio show.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/5/14

Posted on August 5, 2014 by shit_toboggan

WELCOME BACK FOLKS!!! IT’S THE SHIT SHOW THAT KEEPS ON FUCKING HERE IN MY OFFICE TODAY!!! Everything from a comeback on a major engine job, to another engine job that the customer is on the fence about, to a 93 year old man who decided to tow his old Peugeot in to have us see why smoke is pouring out of it. A Peugeot for fuck’s sake! It’s like the French Ford Pinto!!! But I digress, cause these things are all really inconsequential to the fact that it’s almost lunch time and time for me to get some Aussie in my afternoon with the Jason Ellis show. Today’s show got underway with a reminder to stay focused and learn a little Spanish cause it could come in handy some day. The crocodile hunter wears a swamp camo wetsuit, not sure it really has anything to do with anything, but he did. He could surf too, with jungle boots on. He may be interesting, but probably not that cool to hang out with except in small doses. Jude stepped in for a bit to talk with the guys about democracy and capitalism and I should just keep my mouth shut about both of those cause this could quickly turn from a recap into a manifesto. Tully’s main point on it had to do with how many TV stations we have in America cause of a massive “free market” of avenues by which a company can sling bullshit at the public, and in other countries they try to put a bit of a cap on that sort of behavior. But hey, as long as you keep consuming, they’ll keep cranking out iJesse or whatever fucktard spray the TV feels like producing all over your face at any given time. Jason noticed, along with Jude, that Mexican immigrants are probably the number one consumers of public parks, due to having large families and a knack for grilling anywhere they might be allowed. Tully hates the beach cause he’s Irish and there’s too many god damn people in LA and definitely too many at the fucking beach cause mother fuckers act like it’s the only place where water has ever met dirt. Jude is kind of on the same team as Tully, and it goes double for boats cause the sun reflecting off the water would basically turn him into lobster tortellini in a matter of hours. When Jason went to Panama last year, he got hooked up on a boat tour by some dude who lives “off the coast” (translation: outside your jurisdiction) and does lots of meth and tries to give pills and gourmet lunches to the tourists that employ him. Unfortunately, their chef is a fat sweaty Mexican cokehead who can’t manage a simple ceviche. It just reminded Jason of Jeremiah Johnson and living in the middle of nowhere and right when Jude mentioned his mom’s cabin, Jason remembered a dream e had about shooting endless ropes of jizm.This of course got the guys talking about wet dreams. One time, Jude was sleeping at someone else’s house and the bed they put him in belonged to a 4 year old girl and in the worst possible coincidence, he shot a load in his sleep. The guys talked some more about capitalism and how it only works if you get the fuck off your ass and go drop a deuce in Alaska so you can game the system for a lifetime pension for owning property there. Jason and Jude talked a bit more about moving to the wilderness and Tully shat on it like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. There was more talk of the beach cause the guys just couldn’t leave well enough alone with Tully and he doesn’t feel like cleansing his soul in raw sewage in the most polluted unnatural bodies of water on the west coast. Tully does seem to feed his personal hatred of humanity by watching the people at the beach, so hopefully having a child who demands beach vibes can keep him in his wonderful state of personality for years to come. Hot Dog peeked in to back Tully on his opinion that skin cancer and biohazardous ocean water is nowhere near as good as a kiddie pool full of margaritas with a TV nearby, and no one’s invited unless you invite them so if you feel like being naked, you don’t need to worry about David Hasselhoff telling you to cover your giblets. Sure, maybe you can’t surf in it, but you can drown out the incessant voices of rage that keep telling you to tear someone’s spine out and sodomize their children with it, like you get at the beach around spring break time. Jason is such a surfer that he could never imagine seeing a family at the beach only because the kid wanted to go and the parents are wishing that driving drunk wasn’t a bad idea so they could have brought a bigger handle of Seagram’s 7 with them. Tully delved into his home life and the fact that him and his wife probably own too much stuff that’s gray, gray furniture, gray clothes, gray cars, half-asian baby named gray, and all of that is probably why he hates sunshine and interacting with other members of the species. Jude likes having a lot of orange accents in his house and Tully is disgusted by it. Jason recapped his experience to Jude about getting waxed in studio yesterday and it sounds like everything is baby smooth and slightly swollen but otherwise perfectly happy with the results. The guys discussed who in the studio had the dirtiest asshole and the obvious answer was WILSON cause he’s just the kind of guy to shower with his pants on and not take off his t-shirt when he goes for a fap session. Will tried to deny it without giving any more in depth information, so it kind of confirms all our suspicions that the Hate Bean persona is not just an on-air character. The guys talked hip-hop for a bit and Jude reminded us all that he actually hates most of what it’s turned into these days, which I can’t really argue with cause autotune, Lil’ Wayne, MCA died, Flavor Of Love, MC Hammer’s reality show, et cetera. Jude sampled a few things for the guys and they seemed to like it for the most part, so it might not be all bad but I haven’t kept enough track of it all to know too much about it. The guys played a sample of a Die Antword song with some guy talking about aggressive man fucking and Jude seemed to appreciate it, even though I wish they would just stay in South Africa. There were some phone calls and stuff and the guys sampled some more songs that might be going into rotation on the show, like Cher’s “Believe”, which is sadly a modern classic and also the inspiration for every asshole that decided to use autotune. Jude stepped out to go do his show and the guys decided to play each other samples of the riffs they’ve cooked up for Horse Force which should sound surprisingly similar to Black Sabbath. Tully’s wouldn’t play from his iPhone for some reason, so they took a break to regroup and smash Steve Job’s crowning achievement of a mobile device in protest.

So, with all the talk of music, the guys put out a call to the fans for stuff they might want to play on the show or possible influences for Horse Force songs. Tully’s phone finally decided to play the riff he worked on and it is definitely a Sabbath riff for all intents and purposes. Remember that dildo that ICP gave to Kid Rock that he needed to give back to the court as part of a sexual harassment lawsuit? Well, he basically wrote back to the law firm that subpoenaed it that he doesn’t have it and you can go fuck yourselves, and while you’re at it, all your lawyer friends can fuck you too, and when you’re done with that, get fucked again, and then a little bit longer, and when THAT’S all over with, use the ocean of jizm from that endless fuck session as lube to slide yourselves into a missile casing and let the military fire you at Afghanistan or whatever other brown country we feel like subjugating this week. Cumtard saw the new “Gaurdians Of The Galaxy” movie this weekend, and the guys thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get another shocking movie review from him, this time with helium! After compiling the list of hot words, Cumtard told us all about the movie while being summarily tortured in a fashion only the Tard could abide by. Now, if you like hearing Kevin’s suffering, I must tell you that it really is better with a helium voice and the stipulation that he will be electrocuted for dancing or saying “please”. It surely loses some effect when you’re not watching it, but if you’ve seen Cumtard get electrocuted in person as I have, and you have an active imagination, it’s pretty easy to paint yourself a hilarious mental picture of just what’s going on when this happens. The sounds coming out of his mouth when he’s all heliumed up and being shocked are pretty fantastic, and while I can’t verify that there was dancing, I take it on good authority that he was cause they shocked him for it. Say, have you ever wondered about the bizarre genitalia of the animal kingdom? Cause the Jason Ellis show is here to educate you about it. The guys explored the many insane and religion-debunking marvels of animal fun bits, like the echidna, an Australian anteater type animal with a four headed cock! Or sharks and stingrays, who have barbs on their dicks, combining fucking and spear fishing like no other species on earth could. But wait, it gets worse, cause shark vaginas are a multipurpose organ containing all bits required for gestating eggs, urination and defecating! Flatworms have both male and female parts, but they will fight to the death to try and be the one to impregnate the other one first!!! Barnacles have the biggest cocks in all of the animal kingdom, a cock forty times their own length, like some sort of long rage semen harpoon. Octopi have detachable penises, CUE KING MISSILE! GOD DAMN I NEED TO RESTRING MY GUITAR, I EVEN HAVE AN ECHO PEDAL SO I CAN COVER THAT SONG PERFECTLY!!! There are insects which are known to have sex for 40 to 70 hours at a time and at some point their bodies will actually swap genitals cause the Christian god is a lie and our true lord and master is the great Satan!!! Enough about animal cocks though, cause over in New Jersey, an egg nog factory fucking exploded cause egg nog is apparently just too awesome to be contained in New Jersey. The guys talked for a bit about new offensive props to keep around the office (remember that giant black cock the size of a half gallon liquor bottle they used to have? I seent it, it was offensive. And hilarious) and they decided a huge rubber fist was probably a good contender. Since Cumtard is the guy most likely to bear the brunt of this object, the guys asked what he would most like to get hit by and a massive dick was exactly what he was hoping for, so that’s settled. The guys decided to take a break for Hot Dog to go get the massive cock and to get some phone callers lined up for a segment next up about the things you might not want the public to know about the place you work.

So, if you haven’t noticed lately, the show is very interested in the twitter accounts of Jaden and Willow Smith cause the shit they think up is just adorably terrifying, like a Hitler press conference about unicorns. After reading the insane ramblings of the Smith children, they decided to take a quick look at Willow Smith’s music video cause apparently there’s some lines in it about how she is the messiah or some such shit, cause people seem to have lost their appreciation for a good old fashioned assassination which I wouldn’t necessarily wish upon a teenager, but there’s some grown ups who cosign this kind of shit that should certainly get the fear of Satan put in them. They read some more of her Scientology inspired bullshit and those of us who don’t need anti-psychotics all had a good laugh. At this point, I feel like the Fresh Prince needs to exercise his pimp hand or something, cause this just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he might let fly. Where’s that kid from West Philly, yo? Break a mothafucka off something, god damn. But hey, nobody’s dunking their kid head first in a bucket of paint thinner, so who am I to judge? The guys talked for a while about how Jada Pinkett-Smith is probably some sort of succubus or undercover assassin or something like that, cause it just seems like she would be the least expected person to tackle you and rip your larynx out. The boys turned to the phones to ask the listeners what it might be that the management doesn’t want the public to know about their company. The first caller used to go pick up hookers to deliver for the oil field workers and the workers would in turn pass the cost along to the higher ups at the oil company by using a hot shot driver for a quick delivery. Next guy said that at another oil field, the guys used to bury evidence before environmental and safety inspectors would show up for normal inspections (tell me again how big oil isn’t all kinds of crooked?). Next guy was a fuel delivery driver and would KNOWINGLY MIX THE HIGH GRADE AND MID GRADE FUELS TO MAKE THE MID GRADE STUFF!!! But more importantly, sometimes one of the tanks would be full and they just put premium in all three. Luckily for you, the consumer, pretty much every gas station is a complete shit show, so chances are it doesn’t really matter much what you fill your tank with cause you’re likely not being charged the correct amount and that’s gotta pay off in your favor eventually! Next caller used to work for a car stereo place and at the particular shop he worked at, they would upsell all the top of the line equipment but install remanufactured units, which reminds me that assholes like this make every price shopping phone call I get a legitimate fit of paranoia about the industry I work in, cause some people are incompetent schyster assholes. Tully worked at a pretty high end restaurant, and as we all know, you don’t fuck with people that prepare your food, and that’s all I have to say about that. Next guy that called in worked on the upper level of the glass cieling of the oil industry and according to him, those mother fuckers are straight up scum, like this one time when a well exploded and the execs didn’t do shit but try to get one of the lower management folks to calculate up the bottom line for them (TELL ME AGAIN HOW BIG OIL ISN’T CROOKED AS FUCK!?!?!?!?!) Next caller worked at a tax prep agency and a lot of guys used to come in wasted and filthy and pissing themselves and basically, as long as nobody complained to the manager, nobody got fired. After that we heard from a guy who worked at a pizza shop and whenever they got an asshole customer they added extra oil to the dough to guarantee that the end user would have diarrhea. The guys talked for a while about how Jude Law is definitely going bald but he pulls it off really well and this got Ellis back to thinking about getting a wig so he can pretend to be John Travolta for a couple years just to fuck with everybody. Back to callers, next guy called to tell the guys about how he’s working underage and illegally for a fracking site and all the vehicles are unsafe to be on the road and he’s the one certifying them even though he isn’t old enough to get a license to drive, oh, and he’s handling hazardous materials all day too, cause big oil ain’t crooked as a tweaker’s cock or anything like that. Next caller worked at a car dealership where he got tapped by one of the service writers (my job) but had to reconsider because as part of the interview they asked him if he was comfortable intentionally lying to the customers to upsell shit that didn’t need to be done. On a personal note, I quit working at dealers after eight years, cause I like sleeping at night without being woken up by the night terrors of some old lady going homeless after paying $1100 in fluids that didn’t need to be done. Shout out to San Leandro Nissan Hyundai Kia, my last employer, I actually witnessed that on multiple occasions. There were more tales like this, leaking oil trucks that don’t get repaired, burying fracking chemicals, one guy called to say that at a cell phone repair shop he worked at, the technicians would routinely browse through any recovered data to see if there were nudes of the hot ladies that bring their phones in, but he got his one day when he found pictures of a girl getting HUMAN FECES rubbed all over her by her boyfriend like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. They also found some home made clown porn too, so it’s not all terrifying? Tully has noticed a whistling noise coming from his toilet but hasn’t wanted to bother the landlords because they’re really polite old people so he decided to set an Onnit kettlebell on top of the float valve cause that stops the noise for some reason. On that note, let’s ponder the weird noises in our homes that could be fixed by setting something heavy on them.

MMA NEWS YA FUCKS! Remember that brawl between John Jones and Daniel Cormier that broke out at the weigh ins? Well, the state of Nevada and the UFC aare looking into how they’re gonna penalize the two guys for acting so unprofessionally. Also, remember last week when that one guy who was gonna make a comeback ended up shooting himself? Well, there’s pics of the injury floating around the internet, and from what I’m told, it looks like a self inflicted gunshot wound. Jason was talking to Jeremy McGrath on instagram lately and is thinking of how to get a Polaris for some short course dirt track racing while combining the WolfKnife clothing line and EllisMania, cause he sure as fuck ain’t winning on speed and skill alone, so there’s gotta be some really eye-catching shit at the merch tent. The guys kicked off a round of Ellis Jeopardy with contestants Tully, Cumtard and Hot Dog. As is usually the case with Ellis Jeopardy, the clues would require a deep, intimate, almost intra-colonic relationship with Jason Ellis, the kind only his long time co-host might have, but were hilarious as always. Before all that though, we got a recap of Sharknado 2 and if I still did drugs, I gotta believe that shit would be on repeat on my DVD player 24 hours a day cause it sounds like the greatest compilation of stupid bullshit that has ever been burned onto celluloid. In an interesting turn of questions about Sharknado 2, we came to learn that Cumtard spent a bit of time in college smoking crack. He once smoked so much crack, he paralyzed his hands and set off the dorm building fire alarms. Amazing the things we learn talking about Rob Ford and a tropical storm made of giant predatory fish, isn’t it? So, Ellis Jeopardy, a laugh riot as usual and in a surprise upset, the winner was Cumtard! the guys took a quick break and came back with some final calls on things and stuf, where stuff and things were explained and mused about with Jason and Tully. And before you forget, if you want to suggest some music for the guys to maybe put in rotation or possible influences for Horse Force, DON’T FUCKING TWEET IT CAUSE IT’S JUST TOO GOD DAMN HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF but you can email your suggestions to submittoellis@gmail.com. There was talk of pirate radio (the movie and the geurilla media trend of the 1970’s), and Steve Coogan (who was awesome in another movie called 24 Hour Party People about the birth of club music and the rise and fall of the band New Order), exercising, testosterone replacement therapy, and some other shit that I was only half paying attention too, but is valid and deserves our attention because we’re all Satan’s children and he loves us equally.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/29/14

Posted on July 29, 2014 by shit_toboggan

So, Sunday night I went out to a show and got a burrito before it started and for the last three days I’ve been feeling like it’s gonna pass through me like a log flume the second I try to let out a fart. It’s almost getting painful. Like Jesus having explosive diarrhea on Adolf Hitler’s face painful. But that’s not important right now, cause I’m about to go get some Indian food and hunker down at my desk to write this Jason Ellis show recap for you! Today got rolling with Jason talking about being smooth and well lubricated,cause apparently machinery has a lot of similarities to gay erotica. The real point of the whole rant was that you’ve gotta stay moisturized so the man can’t get his mitts on you and fuck up your shit, or it’s better to stay lubed cause if someone’s gonna be fucking someone where they shit, one of the worst possible outcomes is anal tearing. Jude was in studio to cosign that, and ask what the hell Ellis is talking about with his new homemade coffee/coconut body wash. Apparently Katie’s friend makes it just for herself but decided to pass a bottle along to Ellis and company and he’s fallen in love with it like Michelle Bachmann’s husband loves cock. Jude talked about once when he got a Brazilian and the butthole was the least painful part of it, but the pain around the scrotum was worth it, cause the ladies love sucking a fresh clean dick. The guys talked a while about injuries and paramedics, and I guess in Australia, when you get picked up by an ambulance, they give you a heroin inhaler so you’ll stop being such a sick cunt and be a little more pliable. Sometime over the weekend which I must have missed, Ellis decided to give his phone number out to a bunch of fans and then laid drunk in a hammock taking phone calls from random folks just for the entertainment value of it. Tully lost a foot race to Tiger Ellis over the weekend, and totally by accident because Tully just went to take the baby for a walk so he wouldn’t shit in the house, and lo and behold the Ellis troupe were at the same park that Michael ended up at. The guys talked for a while about YouTube videos about babies getting shit whipped and walking away from it with no injuries. Jude had that happening in his neighborhood when he was growing up, pre-YouTube, where there was a white trash kid who was still in pampers but would jump off the roof of a moving car or get tossed off the back of his brother’s BMX just cause and not one god damn time did he ever land it but nobody got taken to the hospital. Jude floated the idea to Ellis to get Al Sharpton in studio while getting his balls and asshole waxed, but since he’s kinda hard to schedule for things like that, Jason decided porn stars may be easier to make happen. They also thought about doing cock-waxing-karaoke, which could be entertaining but remains to be seen until they actually pull the trigger and do it. Finally, the guys settled on the idea of reading Jayden Smith tweets with that one evil meowing Cumtard bed playing in the background and getting one’s dick waxed all together would be the most entertaining combination. The guys took a few calls on side jobs to pull while you’re getting aggressively manscaped, but none of them were too noteworthy. Tully has been working his way through all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old movies and somehow happened to stumble upon a workout album he did back in 1983, and there were a couple of sound bites that really sounded like the opening to gay porn, especially when Arnold is explaining proper workout technique with “It’s Raining Men” playing in the background. Coming back to the topic of pubes, somebody (who was actually me) sent Tully an article which posed the question, is it OK to use one of those communal hot air dryers at the gym to blow dry your pubes? Generally, the guys said it isn’t that big a deal, it just depends how much sexual gratification you’re achieving from the act, and how blatantly you’re advertising what you’re doing. The guys talked for a while about motion lotion and how the silicon stuff is great for straight jacking off, but it can dissolve certain kinds of sex toys, and how the THC lube is about as pointless as trying to use it for it’s intended purpose on Margaret Thatcher. If you haven’t got the news yet, presales for Jude’s book Hyean (the new and improved version, with more stories and nearly limitless production) are available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, SO FUCKING GET ONE!!! Jude and Ellis were also discussing show ideas for the hypothetical future Jason Ellis channel and Jude wants to incorporate the best parts of the Foreally Show episodes when Shoebox stops by for a regular gig. Jude had to go do his regular-not-sure-if-it’s-permanent-job and Jason needed a riff to compel him, so we got some Dyer’s Eve and I’m gonna need a few minutes to fix the desk and the window I just smashed.

Jason got a call from the guys at Globe Shoes, which couldn’t have been timed better cause Tully has conceded the fact that he can’t be trusted to pick his own wardrobe and as long as the pussy is still available, his wife is the one in charge, and Jason has some shoes that she would approve of although Michael would never pick them himself. Ellis has noticed that Katie is a pretty respectable influence on his style, but sometimes even she needs to tone it down or else he’ll be strolling around in Louboutin boots and wolf leggings with a Flavor-Flav style necklace, not necessarily a clock, but something of that nature. Tully is also looking at a new car sometime soon and wants to buy the douchiest thing practical for him to drive. But that’s secondary, cause I could go on forever, but Tully found more important things on the internet in the form of a YouTube channel called “kids react” in which some parent who’s not a vicarious fame whore, volunteers to have someone film their kids’ reactions to learning about current events and causes. First one we saw, was kids watching a video of two guys getting engeaged and some of the kids seemed like they just didn’t know what to think and the rest just basically didn’t seem to care cause children are usually considered pre-sexual beings and shouldn’t have a hell of a lot of an opinion about these kinds of things. Next up though, was two ladies getting engaged and again, it was pretty much the same reaction, just way better looking cause dudes are scummy and ladies are just fantastic. Then there were the kids watching actual videos of people getting married cause I guess it’s illegal or morally reprehensible to show them people committing suicide, even though it’s the exact same god damn thing. One kid they were watching though had really evil Satanic eyebrows, and they could tell from watching it that he would someday be arrested for attempting to perpetrate a fag-drag somewhere not far from a reasonably progressive city where the police actually do their jobs. There was small hope though when the interviewer asked if he thought people were born gay and he admitted it could be possible, so as long as Ken Ham doesn’t get his bullshit pointed anywhere close to this kid, he could turn out OK. This got the guys on the topic of being a good role model to your kids and not teaching them offensive shit like “Carlos Santana is the only contribution Puerto Ricans have ever made to society” and shit like that. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Oh, fuck me. Freddie Prinz Jr., the son of an actual actor by the same name, was on the show 24 with Kiefer Sutherland and has come forward to say that Kiefer is the least professional mother fucker in show business and a complete asshole outside of the business. Pretty much everyone else has said he’s full of shit, but since it was bad enough for him that he almost quit showbiz entirely, I’ll take that as meaning that “Boys And Girls” hasn’t had the residual pay he was hoping for and 24 didn’t solve any of the residual problems caused by it. DMX went on a roller coaster and got as DMX as he could get without smoking crack on webcam in front of his fans. THERE’S GONNA BE A NEW MAD MAX MOVIE!!! And the guys watched the trailer for it, and it includes Mel Gibson’s classic black 1974 Ford Falcon GTA (Australian Model) and of course a million other fucked of rat rods which will be inexplicably driving around in big block V8’s while complaining about the scarcity of gasoline. Jason Staham used to be a competitive high diver, back when he had hair and Guy Ritchie wasn’t an accomplished director. And Lil’ Wayne has started his own professional sports agency, with no clear goal or specific sport they manage/partake in, but he’s doing it all the same. Hollywood isn’t making any money this summer, probably cause we get more exposure to it than we want from shithead paparazzi than we do from the actual content they produce, the quality of which has been in sharp decline in recent years. The guys discussed the long term failings of Hollywood by giving a quick, spoiler session of The Expendables and as much as I appreciate the intent of that franchise, I think it’s safe to say that the shark has been jumped. Somehow, all this talk of The Expendables and the new Mad Max got Jason to the task of recapping the plot of one of the Lethal Weapon movies, and I’m not sure how that all ties together, but I guess it makes sense when you’re not surrounded by ringing phones and loud machinery that can occasionally drown out the point of a conversation. Tracy Morgan is still recovering from that bus crash last month, but he’s not dying and his lawyers are taking WalMart to the fucking cleaners, so maybe the legal system will come through for a black man with money in a positive way for a change, not like that one washed up football player serial killer guy, you know, Fruit Juice, or whatever his name was. The guys took a break after all that to get ready for a guest who was on the way and so that WILSON could catch a nooner with Cumtard before things get too busy in the green room for a bromantic tryst.

Did you know today is national tiger day? No, you can’t buy Jason’s son, but you can do something nice for tigers or otherwise just show your respect and support. Josh Todd from Buckcherry stopped by to hang with the guys for a while. I never liked Buckcherry a whole bunch, but they did a pretty good cover of that Dramarama song “Anything, Anything” and if you can pay proper tribute to a classic, you’ll earn a few points in my book. Josh told the guys some stories about his cocaine, meth, LSD and alcohol days and all the good times that come along with that kind of combination. Luckily though, he’s got almost 20 years off all of it and he’s an all around super dad and part time rock star these days, so it all works out in the end. Josh has a new EP coming out soon, but every free moment he has is at the go-kart track, and not those pussy electric ones, like a real deal, four-weel-brake kart. The guys talked karting for a while and all the weight classing and ins and outs of the league stuff and how pretty much any average Joe can get into it without having to build a half million dollar sponsored engineering experiment just to get some seat time and the officials keep it all as fair as possible. Josh is pretty enthusiastic about boxing like Jason too, so they shot the shit about that for a while (anyone else feel another possible future EllisMania contender coming on?). The guys decided to take the opportunity to bring back a game they haven’t played in a while, NAME THAT NIPPLE!!! If you don’t remember, it’s a guessing game where the folkls have to match the nipple picture to the famous name it’s attached to. The list goes as follows:

1. A young James Hetfield

2. Rob Halford’s pierced male mammary

3. M. Shadows

4. Danzig’s monstrous wolf titty

5. Tommy Lee

6. Slash

7. Bruce Dickinson’s even more terrifying wolf nipple

8. Axl Rose

9. Steven Tyler’s slightly haggard nipple of yesteryear

10. Jim Morrison

11. A young Bono

And last but not least,

12. Ozzy Osbourne

The guys played a track off the new EP “Fuck” in which every track has the word fuck in the title, which is certainly a great way to get my attention, and then Josh took a shot at the punch pad and landed himself a 56, putting him right up in the ranks with Mike Jasper, Juliana Pena and some other folks on the same scale. The guys bantered a bit more abour fighting and trying to clarify just how hard of a punch Josh landed and then took a breather to regroup for another game the guys had saved up.

MMA NEWS YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!!! Jason watched it and I didn’t and Tully read a bunch of news stories about it because Jason is dyslexic!!! But more specifically, Joe Riggs was gonna come out of retirement but accidentally shot himself in the hand and upper leg while cleaning his gun. Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz are also allegedly gonna be fighting, either in the octagon or somewhere on the east end of Stockton cause shit like that happens out there. Tully cooked up some chicken feet and the guys decided to have Cumtard fellate them like that one scene in Killer Joe where Juno Tilly is giving a drumstick a blow job for the amusement of a derranged Matthew McCaunaghey. Jetta came in to assist, but Tard kept taste testing the chicken feet cause he’s a lot more adventurous with food than all you assholes on twitter seem to think. Then Jetta started molesting Kevin’s face in the least disrespectful way possible, but some of the claws came off the foot in his throat so the gagging noises were still applied without needing any external audio support. The guys called Jetta back in after the face fucking to have him sit down and be informed that he’s a FUCKING DISGRACE OF A HUMAN BEING AND HIS PARENTS SHOULD HAVE STABBED HIM WITH A COAT HANGER WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE due to his lack of knowledge about classic rock, even the really well known stuff, and they included Hot Dog because NOBODY IS EXEMPT FROM RESPECTING THE GREATES RIFFS AND LYRICS IN ALL OF HISTORY!!! So, basically the last half hour was a bit of ridiculing the two newest employees for being born in a time when rock started going into death throes and the best we could offer to replace it was Limp Bizkit. Hot Dog proved himself to be quite a bit more knowledgable despite his age, so the guys stuck to making Jetta feel like shit for not knowing classic rock songs and for also driving a Jetta (cause if you own a German car and thought it would be practical, you have a really warped idea of practicality). The guys decide to introduce a shock collar to this affair because stupidity is supposed to be painful, and if mother nature doesn’t feel like enforcing that anymore, it’s up to us as the few humans with common sense to make sure the stupid are either ridiculed into acting appropriately or killed by their own poorly calculated deeds. Luckily, when this was all finished up, it made me want to put my foor so far up Jetta’s ass he could use his teeth to give me a pedicure after his remarks about The Clash. I was listening to the end of the show on demand, so there might have been more to this segment, or final calls, or someone screaming to start a race war, but all the same I enjoyed what I heard and typing out my unique take on it for all of you. And Iron Maiden doesn’t sound like the Crue, you fucking simpleton.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/22/14

Posted on July 22, 2014 by shit_toboggan

YA MISS ME FUCKERS?!??!!?! CAUSE I DIDN’T SEE ANY MENTION THAT IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY LAST WEDNESDAY!!! OR THAT I SUCCESSFULLY LANDED AN OLLIE BEFORE I TURNED THIRTY CAUSE I’M A FUCKING AGING NEVER-WAS SKATEBOARDER!!! DID YOU FORGET I WORKED HERE TOO??!?!?! TAKE MY DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!

Just kidding folks, you can keep talking with the dick in your mouth. I think it’s adorable.

Anyways, hello and thanks for visiting, I was off last week to spend some time with my family as a birthday present from my fantastic girlfriend who insisted I go on a fun trip before I come to Canada to spray my DNA all over her for the rest of time. I did a lot of walking around in Seattle and bought a fuckload of comics, and saw the new Planet of The Apes movie, which fully reinforces Jason Ellis’ belief that monkeys will one day conquer us, and if we treat them with a bit of dignity, they may not enslave us like that one time when Charlton Heston went to the future and found out that Soylent Green is made of humans. But enough about me, cause I’m here to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a whole lot of music cause I guess there was some fire that needed to be put out or that pesky sentient flying scrap of paper from the other day was back and required gawking or some such shit, but then the guys came on and started talking about how Jason was late cause he was coming from the Fighter and the Kid podcast with Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub, and that was a fun start to the day. What wasn’t a fun start to the day was driving in early morning LA traffic and having to deal with Los Angeleans who think they’re more important than everyone else and are allowed by the State Of California to legally operate multiple tonnage of mechanical equipment in public. A FedEx truck side swiped the Wing and spun out his truck and kept on rolling cause FedEx is a shitty organization and I’ve gotten more shipments late, damaged or missing from them than any other company, so it would make sense that their truckers are also incompetent and have no common courtesy like stopping when you might have killed somebody. The truck is pretty fucked too, whole bed side, the way Ellis tells it. There’s lots of construction going on too, so that’s slowing down traffic and reducing motorist IQ points at a staggering rate, so you can’t hold Jason completely responsible for being a few minutes behind. On the plus side though, Los Angeles is so fucked up pavement-wise that the world of Mad Max may come true in Southern California very soon! Rude Jude stopped in to hang out for a bit and rehash his experience kneeing the punch pad and sucking at it. There was some talk of how Frank DeCaro may be a middle aged gay Italian, but the Romans were conquering all kinds of shit with folks like him leading the way generation after generation, just look at Catholicism!!! The boys did a bit of jaw-jacking about the trucker incident this morning and how the guy was probably so desperate to keep his job that he was hoping nobody got the license plate so he wouldn’t get reported. This got us into the topic of snitching cause sometimes it’s the right thing to do, but you can be a dick like Tully was in elementary school and snitched on a kid for eating Doritos in the bathroom. Ellis fired off some ideas at Jude about what to do with his now fucked up Dodge Ram, and most of them were just ghetto enough for a younger Jude to appreciate, but not so much for the new improved well-groomed designer drug aficionado Jude. One idea that Jude could get behind though, is the sprint-slow-down workout that Ellis suggested to him a little while ago, and it was some rough shit for McDuder, but he pulled it off. Jude has noticed that as he’s getting older it’s getting a bit harder to bust a nut, but he found some herbal cock pills that are doing the trick splendidly. The guys discussed frontier medicine for letting loose a shot of jizz and how when Tully’s old, he’s gonna relish having a load that takes forever so he can laugh maniacally at his wife for being done before he is. There were some stories about extreme/premature ejaculation and how grown up ladies in Australia have no qualms about banging high school boys and feeding them and letting six unchecked loads in a row from the same penis land in their ovaries. One time, Jason banged a lady and she started crying after the fact, but being the guy he was back then, he just left. Jude on the other hand, loves it when a girl starts crying and will fuck them again, or for the first time, depending on the situation. This led to talk about “what the fuck is it with you emotional bitches always crying about shit, it’s only some dick!” and there were a few phone calls and tweets from ladies who have taken part in this kind of stuff. Jude once made a girl start crying when they tried out some rough play but forgot to pick a safe word. One guy called in to tell the guys that every time his wife cums, she cries, and after a whole bunch of years, it’s not such a bad thing because he knows he got the job done. Another guy called in to say that he doesn’t know when he’s been taken off hold, but the next guy said his wife actually stops breathing when he fucks her proper, which is as close to fucking someone to death as you can legally get and still call it an achievement. Another guy called in with a crying girlfriend story about how he had her riding his hog and all of a sudden he felt her tears dripping down on his chest. Next caller said she only cries from anal, which is understandable when you do it too rough. You gotta romance that butthole way more than that vagina, boys, just remember that. The guys talked a while about how you’ve really gotta be a friend to the chili ring, or else it just turns back into the shit locker and it’s way less fun for everybody. Another guy said his girl started crying and had to go run for some medicine or something. A GIRL called in to let the guys know that sometimes it’s not cause women are insane, sometimes they just cry because sex can be a beautiful, intimate moment of deep connection between two people, sharing both body and soul in an amazingly pleasurable experience, and then she went on to explain that she’s had years of psychological problems and that pretty much killed her entire argument. Time to get some Lou Reed up ya, and not that Lou-Tallica crap, we’ll be back ya cunt satchels.

Have you sent in your crappy demo for unsigned bands yet? If you haven’t yet, you can still fire that off to submittoellis@gmail.com and watch your life’s work get shat on by Cassette Coast!!! There’s still time!!! The guys talked about some of the features of SiriusXM online, like on demand and how many people are listening to it and tweeting shit at them from too long ago for anybody on the show to remember. It’s looking like there’s a lot more people now who can’t catch the whole show so they listen to it when it’s more convenient, like after I get home from work where I’ve been inundated with telemarketers and other people’s problems all day and have had to keep pausing the show, so much so that I’ve got 2 hours of delay built up and I have to finish a recap, so the on demand works really well for me on Tuesday. Or when I’m on vacation and not near my computer and out doing stuff all day, I can on demand it while I’m sleeping on a shitty air mattress at my aunt’s house. But that’s not important, cause it’s AUSSIE NEWS TIME!!! But first, the guys wanted to take some calls from ladies who might be interested in dating Hot Dog the Intern, so that they could have a dating game type thing or just listen to ladies throw their snatch smack in his face and see how he would react to it. One lady called in thinking she would be dating an actual hot dog, not Hot Dog The Intern, and god dammit if she didn’t hang up before the guys could get her on the air for a few minutes of radio idiot shaming gold. But, Aussie News, some lady who got elected to some government office, was getting questioned during an interview and made a clear proclamation that she loves a huge cock and doesn’t shave that pussy. So, back to Hot Dog getting some stank on the hang low, Three ladies called in to play the dating game and Hot Donna almost sounded like she had a voice changer on, but it turns out she was just 50 years old. Hot Dog started off the questions by asking one lady if she would put his big ass up on her shoulders so that he could catch some free picks or drumsticks and she said she’d help, but couldn’t guarantee that her lower back would handle the load of all that Hot Dog, BUT SHE COULD HANDLE HIS LOAD ON HER GRILLE!!! AAOOOHH!!!!! Next, Hot Dog asked Hot Donna how stretchy her vagina is, because he’s hung like a black man in Alabama pre-civil war! And she said she could probably handle it, maybe with a bit of finesse and lubrication, but there shouldn’t be any real major issues. He asked one of the other ladies the same question and she declared that she’s got the elasticity of a teenager, so no matter how girthy the dong, she can slip it in as smooth and comfortable as a fresh pair of socks. Hot Dog’s next question for her was whether or not she’d be OK with a guy who can blow himself, and she said that if nothing else, it’s a show worth telling your friends about so no bad blood between them thus far. Next question was for the first lady, Hot Dog wanted to know her opinion on back hair and she gave a reasonable answer that in small doses it’s acceptable, but Sasquatch is gonna have to wait in the car, unless he wants a naked shaving from her, in which case she’s happy to help. Hot Dog followed this up by asking the same lady how she would take it if he made her eat a turd, then waited for her to shit it out, then vomited it, then shot a load on it, if she would still love him after the experience. Her answer was that she wouldn’t necessarily volunteer for the act, but if you really love someone and want the deepest connection possible, there’s not much closer two people can get then vomit shit cum vomit cum shit vomit shit. Hot Donna was a bit more open minded to the scenario, which warrants wondering how badly she needs companionship, but then again, she’s Hot Donna, and considering Hot Dog’s next question, she’s certainly man enough to strap on a strap-on and peg the bejeezus out of his panda-like rectum. She’d even wear her tool belt and hard hat, cause she is in fact a construction worker. Next question for the other lady, would she be willing to let a friend tag in to finish off Hebrew National if she needed to give the pussy a rest from his Sears Tower sized doom spigot? And just like slut magic, in her own words, “The more the merrier.” Next question, if she was stuck on a desert island with his fleshy Tower Of Babel, what would she do with it? After watching him blow it (of course), she said she would give it a quick rinse in the ocean to clear up some of the throat scum, then attempt to swallow it whole, come hell or asphyxiation from laryngeal blockage. The other lady answered that she would make it a point to DIE of an acute addiction to rubbing her nipples all over his dick, forsaking the need for food, fire or shelter. Hot Donna said she would basically treat it like a purse sized dog that occasionally wants to ejaculate in her mouth, but she lost the game when she stated that there would be no anal. So sorry, Hot Donna, but some chick named Jennifer is gonna be climbing the skyscraper that Hot Dog is swinging around between his thighs. Tully found a video (from BitPimps) of a guy who made a how-to series on anal breathing and massage, and it sounds like the terrorist manifesto of a pedophile fart hammer fundamentalist. Just the way he said asshole and spoke about the tranquility of a baby’s asshole, it would make any decent cop murder the mother fucker on sight, not even for the principle, just cause you can see it in his eyes. And there was some extreme farting as well, which sounded like some of the old sound drops the fans sent in a couple years ago, but with the way this guy was doing his anal breathing, it flowed pretty seamlessly with the show. Then Jason played SunnO))) and we all could tell that there may be some embellishment in the background noise we were hearing over the narrative of breathing through one’s own ass. Then he broke out some beads and we all got to wondering how Google hasn’t taken this down from YouTube, but apparently there was some loosely medical connotation to the whole thing, so I guess it flies. The guys took a few minutes to contemplate suicide or locking their children inside for the rest of their lives to protect them from this monster, and also to set up whatever they were gonna do in the next hour.

You might not have known this, but there was a tree planted in memory of George Harrison in Los Angeles. You know, the backup guitarist of the Beatles? Well, in a feat that can only be called the act of a vengeful god, the tree was killed by beetles. Real life honest to Satan beetles. I’m not a religious man, but this just smacks of some kind of cosmic malice to me. I don’t even like the Beatles all that much, but the only way it could be more ironic is if Yoko was the one who introduced them to that tree as a new habitat. That’s not the most horrible thing that’s gonna happen today though, cause if you hadn’t caught it on twitter, it’s Cumtard’s birthday!!! And as punishment for his failed attempt at getting a male stripper for Tully’s birthday, this time the guys set him up with a proper one to come and slap his whang all over the Tard’s cranium and butthole. And that is his cosmic punishment for going to see Motley Crue last night, cause as awesome as a lot of their music was, Vince Neil can’t reproduce the notes that made them stars, and also killed a kid while driving drunk, so he should not be paid any further from live performances. Plus, didn’t the band all sue each other and declare their retirement at the end of last year? After Cumtard was done being sodomized with extreme prejudice, Jason and Tully made sure to properly ridicule Cumtard for his previous attempt at male strippers being brought in to embarrass the birthday boy, and did a quick inventory of what may or may not have gotten damaged during the aggressive display of dick-spinning interpretive dance that was performed in the studio. The guys talked about getting old and how Cumtard better find his Yoko before too much longer, or else he’s gonna turn into that kid from Clerks 2, endlessly talking about Jesus and Lord Of The Rings and Pussy Trolls (Google it, I can’t explain it well enough in this format, it needs to be witnessed). Tard has gone on a few dates but hasn’t been particularly amazed by anyone just yet, so there’s still more stalking to be done to find that one girl you wouldn’t leave alone no matter how many yards the court tells you is the minimum distance allowable from their house or place of business. Jason has recently come to the realization that he doesn’t want the type of friends that want to see his dick, and vice versa, cause there needs to be a point in his relationships where nobody needs to set their dick on anyone’s shoulder at a party. The guys put the question out to the fans asking what they think Jason’s channel should be called, on the far outside chance that SiriusXM gives him his own channel. There were some great suggestions, such as Ellistronics, Valhalla, Wolfknife Radio, The Baby, Master Of Puppies, Narcoleptic Narwhal, Barter Town, EllisFam, The Wolf Pack (which is completely fucked by the Hangover movie franchise), The Pube, Your Mum’s Fishtank, The Farthole, Future41, The Cave, Hail Satan, The Cockodile, The Rocktopus, The Glory Hole, Awesome World, The Wing, The Toe Cutter, Fromunda 41, Outback Maniac, The Tard, Radio Fight Club, Splooge Mountain, Will’s a Racist, 41 Jump Street, Sum 41, Cum 41, Ellis Island, 6 Pounds Of Sound, The Rape Room, Skull Fuck, Butt Town, Red Dragin Radio (which would be a copyright issue, but a respectable effort nonetheless), EllisNation, Los EllisEs, The Schism, Facti-OFF, Black Guys Wear Black, Ellis The Red, Against The Grain, Sausage Party, Massive Poopies, Blitzkrieg 41, The Didjeridoo, The Gas Chamber, Muska Kills, Bogan Brigade, The Cocktagon, The Goat, The Woodsman, The Gape, Horse Force, Welcome To Hellis, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause they were actually trying to take this a little bit seriously cause it is kinda big and permanent-ish, but I assure you, they were hilarious on twitter. Ellis’ contract officially expires tomorrow and he needs to sign the new one, but there may have been a mix-up in the most recent draft he was given and they’re trying to get it sorted out. The guys talked UFC for a bit after reading a quote from Dana White about how an insane Irish fighter reminds him of Ronda Rousey for some reason or another. Tim Silvia is a great friend of the show, and might be getting a shot at moving his way through the ranks of the UFC towards a title shot after fighting Dustin Porier. But that’s all speculation at this point, so let’s all drift away into Awesome World for a bit and regroup.

A Chinese art collector spent $39 million on an antique tea cup, cause I guess $20 grand for making potato salad on KickStarter wasn’t enough in the grand scheme of ridiculous spending at the hands of the public, but the real kicker is that this guy used his AmEx to make the purchase and it gained him a net profit of 422 million American Express Rewards points due to the overseas purchase and exchange rates and such, so basically he’s got airfare for life or enough food to balloon up to 7,500 pounds and starve an entire industrialized country to death, all on the rewards system from American Express. Don’t leave home without it!!! The guys played some clips of classic rock singers belting out their signature vocals, and the guys had to guess if they could still hit the notes live. First up was Robert Plant, and the guys unanimously agreed that there’s no way he’s still pumping out his signature high notes, and they were right, as demonstrated by a 2012 performance of Kashmir. After that was Meatloaf and hot patootie, bless my soul, he still has the pipes for rock and roll, despite the guys thinking he probably can’t cause of the testicular cancer and bitch tits thing we learned about in Fight Club. Next up we heard Loretta Lynn joining in with the Loaf, and she’s still got it as well. Next we got a taste of Vince Neil, who we’ve already confirmed can’t do it, but his public ridicule is still entertaining in small doses. After that was Roger Daltry and he can still bang it out, when he’s not high as fuck or phoning it in due to lack of interest. After that was David Lee Roth who refuses to give up the ghost on the tarnished legacy of Van Halen, post Van Hagar years. Then we heard one from the new lead singer of Journey, Stevie Engrish Superfan or whatever the fuck his name is, and if Steve Perry was dead, he’d be rocketing out of his grave towards the sun if he heard this. Next up was the ladies in Heart and despite growing up a bit, their voices have only matured like a fine whiskey, and if you had a bottle of some you could probably still get a dick spinning duet from the Wilson Sisters. After that we heard a selection from Axl Rose, still belting it out like his lungs are gonna fall out his rectum, but he doesn’t have the staying power to keep it going very long. Next we got a sampling of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie’s still got it, but everyone else in the band can fuck right off. Next down the line was Elton John and I guess the cure for every physical problem is gay sex cause as long as you don’t get the HIV you pretty much stay a champion forever. After that was A-Ha doing Take On Me and if this is how it sounded like in 2010, I’d say that jam is never gonna die. Finally, we got a taste of Steven Tyler doing dream on from 2013 and despite having throat surgery in 2007, when I saw them two weeks after, he was still pounding it out like it was 1976 all over again. The guys talked classic rock and rumors about our favorite stars for a bit, then brought the rest of the crew in to belt out some lines from their favorite classics. WILSON came in hot with a decent Meatloaf. Hot Dog dropped a fully terrifying rendition of Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus. Cumtard came in to fire off a bit of Fuel by Metallica, and basically live tarded the tune just with actual words instead of sound effects. Finally we heard Jetta’s best feeble attempt at giving us something from Thrice and since Thrice sucks I really can’t criticize his efforts on this one, but if he was covering any of the other songs it would have counted as a fail. Jason started giving Jetta shit for not being able to recite lyrics for good music the way the rest of the developed world can. Will got back on the microphone to show a true display of his singing abilities which he was holding back on before, and after some vocal pointers from the guys, he was like a younger Meatloaf incarnate, with his testicles still intact, just in the possession of his ex wife. There were some final calls and stuff and god dammit it’s close to show time and lunch time and I’ve been ignoring shit at work and we’re too busy for that this week, so when you’re done reading this go clean your room and cut me some firewood.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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