AMERICA MOTHERFUCKER!

HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Hello and welcome to another Wednesday recap of TJES, make sure you limber up first, so I don’t tear you upon entry. Ellis opened the show talking about how he takes less risks with his body now that he has kids. Like, he won’t necessarily go off on a super high jump on a motorcycle anymore because he’s gotta make sure he doesn’t die and shit. Tully has never been much of a thrill seeker but still, he gets what Jason is saying. His kid is going through a similar phase where he is all about self preservation. In other words, Tully is raising a pussy. Kids go through phases of being pussies and being maniacal psychopaths hell bent on spending every other weekend in the ER. Speaking of Linsanity, the real Linsanity (the Asian basketball player. Ya know, the one.) just got traded from one team to another and I never give two shits about basketball. Apparently he is in LA now so Dingo will be dropping molly with him and wearing his clothing line by next weekend.

Everyone panic! Radio fans armed with pictures of poop are coming!

Hey, are you tired of hearing about that one dude got fired for saying shit on Twitter and also his fans hate Ellis? ME EITHER!!!! Cumtard dramatically warned Ellis that today was the day that a bunch of O&A fans were going to bomb the phone lines with whatever the hell they could do. Honestly, it would be a welcome change from some of the dumb fucks who call the show to say how much they love the show. Anyway, for whatever reason, the O&A fans are directing their anger at having lost one of their dudes on Ellis. And Ellis gets it, he just doesn’t care. And neither do I. I’m a fan of both, and I still don’t give a shit. Moving on.

Ellis injured the FUCK out of Katie’s vagina. Apparently he busted up the back wall and….Ok Ellis doesn’t understand anatomy of vaginas too well, but a wrecking ball doesn’t know shit about architecture, but it knows how to fuck that shit up, bro. Anyway, she had to go to the hospital and she has to sit on a heating pad until it heals or something. Speaking of broken vaginas, remember that girl who called in last week to say Cumtard was her ultimate sexual fantasy? Her name is Kourtney, and she actually flew in from Texas today to get her some of that sweet milky tard tard penis. She is 4’11” , under 90 lbs and is thrifty as shit. She works as an executive assistant, and went on and on about how kick ass she is at getting killer deals on plane tickets, meals and it sort of sounded like she could do Kevin’s job a lot better than he does. So this teeny tiny little chick pops into the studio and is all like “Ok, can we bang now?” Tully said they should go bang in the green room while they did the show, and she was like “Ok.” Ellis shut it down though. She booked her own hotel before she came to town and guess what? It’s right across the street from Kevin……like RIGHT across the street. We may have to come to terms with the fact that Cumtard may die tonight. He’ll probably die inside of a girl who weighs less than my kettle bells. And if he doesn’t die, we all know how well girlfriends around the show go. Briar, Karla, Alexa, that one homeless Mexican chick who listened to emo music.

Think this recap has been a little wordy? Me too. What this recap needs is a segment that is really difficult to recap so that I can go to bed quicker. Cue World’s Greatest Wednesday! It’s been a while, so if you don’t know, the fans and the cast of the show figure out what the World’s Greatest ______ is once and for all. So first up, to find a topic. We need celebrities, check. And then we need hate fucking. Now who should be doing the hate fucking? Cue WWF Legend and all American hero, Hacksaw Jim Duggan! 2×4 swinging, American flag waving Jim Duggan violently putting the dick to a celebrity you hate in a hostile manner. These are always awesome conversations, and best to listen to yourself, so here is the final list, and the winners:

• Dave Matthew’s band while the fans watch (Winner)
• The Edge
• Janice Dickinson
• Kim Jong Un
• Dave Grohl/Courtney Love and give it to Dave harder, but shoot the load on Courtney
• Tim Allen, Dressed as The Santa Clause
• Guy Fieri
• Yoko Ono
• Alec Baldwin
• David Blaine
• UFC fighter Conor McGregor
• Piers Morgan

Lube your ass pussy, Dave

Bert Kreischer is a dude. He is a comedian dude who I’ve gone 27 years without hearing a word about him and then all of a sudden He’s in my ear hole every time I flip on the radio or listen to a podcast. Supposedly the movie Van Wilder was loosely based on him, because Rolling Stone labeled him a the #1 Party man (Andrew W.K. is pissed right now) in America a long ass time ago. Ellis had no idea who he was at first either, and Bert seemed a little stand offish because Ellis has zero tact when he is trying to get to know a guest. (i.e. “Why are you famous” “Why do you have tv shows” which is funny to us, but comes off dickish sometimes). Like usual, within a few moments, Bert settled in and they traded stories about breaking bones, getting beat up, doing drugs, huffing paint. You know, the usual. Bert is a little dark, says when he does cocaine he sees his six year old self in the mirror staring back at him. So Tully told him the next time he sees that, he should just kill the kid. He was a pretty cool dude, and everyone was picking on each other by the end of the interview so I think he’ll come back. Go to BertBertBert.com to learn more.

SubmitToEllis@gmail.com to send in your terrible unsigned bands.

OfficialJasonEllis.com

Later assholes.

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN! Today is a very special recap because today, ladies and gentleman, is the return of the DRUNKEN WEDNESDAY RECAP! CHEERS! I barely heard all of the show and some of it is a little fuzzy. But I have half-assed notes and a can-do attitude so let’s do this shit!

Alien isn’t really that scary upon a second viewing because back in those days, special effects, much like my childhood, amounted to basically lube and rubber masks. Ellis is thinking about getting fake hair as a goof for a while because he wants to see people’s reaction to it on Drew’s show. (Tuesdays and Thursday nights on HLN by the way. I saw a few people on Twitter asking, so here is our public service, you fucks) So the debate became what style should he get? Bitpimps had some thoughts. That dude works really hard for someone who gets nothing back from the show. Reach around for you. Ellis wondered what it would be like if he had black people hair. But a white dude with a fro might be un-becoming of a dude with tattoos. Those people’s hair always invites suspicion from normal white……ABORT ABORT!!!! SIRIUSXM WARNING!!!! ABORT ABORT!!!

Ellis follows Miley Cyrus on IG and was talking about how he liked a video she posted of her singing which was pretty cool. Tully started to bring it up, but the internet sucks because of Will and the FUCKING GOVERNMENT COCK FUCK. So to fill time, our future leaders, China pretty much refuse to give two shits about what Round Eye thinks of them killing Rhino’s and shit for dick-enhancing powders that don’t actually work. They are pretty much going to…..Miley Cyrus videos are up! She is kind of high and belting out “Wrecking Ball” in a pretty funny way. Tully comments on how the tongue thing became her deal. I thought about how her tongue thing perfectly reflects the curvature of my ball sack. So yeah, as long as China doesn’t come over here and kill our jail bait pop stars, we are gonna be ok is what I took from this segment.

So, I know not a lot of people care about the Anthony Cumia Firing thing, but I listen to them, so I’ll indulge this for a moment. Ellis has been getting hate mail because a lot of O&A fans somehow feel compelled to point blame for their hero’s firing on Ellis. Obviously it’s a bunch of misplaced anger because of the recent rivalry which I won’t get into. But some people went as far as saying Ellis was in cahoots with SiriusXM to get Anthony fired, which is god damned mother fucking retarded. And even O&A would have to agree with that. Anyway, as a fan of both shows, I can say: It has nothing to do with this show, or this site, so this is the last I will speak of it.

So there was a study about people being cool in high school vs. how their lives were ten years later. And the results were that the cool kid’s lives sucked and the nerdy kid’s lives were awesome. Anyway, Ellis talked a bit about how he was bullied when he was in school. I don’t know, I never saw the classic bully situations in high school where the jock beat up the nerds. But then again, we did offer a class to get your tractor license, so maybe it was a different landscape.

The guys decided to hit golf balls at Cumtard’s testicle balls for a while. Hot Dog the Magnificent Intern Of Marvelous Talent’s revealed he was a varsity golfer in high school , so he was plucked to tee off on Cumtard’s balls. They whacked his balls and smacked his balls. Then they threw the speech jammer on him and made him talk like Fabio while they bashed his balls. All I have to say about this is that Kevin sort of sounded like Hitler cumming from anal punishment while he was getting hit. Catch that on demand.

Meth and bulldozers are a bad idea because ya know, meth and bulldozers. A dude name Steve Sims came on the show. I had never heard of him before, but he is basically an extreme concierge for rich people. When I say rich people I mean, taking a shit in a toilet with gold flakes in the water rich people. He finds ways to make people’s wildest dreams come true, for the right price. He’s an Englishman, which means he is a headbutting psychopath. He actually rides moto and boxes at legends, he was a cool fucking dude. You could tell he wasn’t really familiar with the show’s humor, so it took a bit of catching on as it usually does, but he was laughing and cracking jokes so it was a good interview. A few examples of things he has done were: Getting a client to sing on stage with Journey, organizing lunches with celebrities and a few other things. My fucking notes seriously read like this:

• Makes stuff happen
• Makes BIG stuff happen

Like I’m supposed to remember details from that? What fucking homo would think that would get him details? Jesus Christ I’m fucking retarded. Anyway, he doesn’t take on pricks as clients, so none of you will be able to murder a midget over a stripper dressed as Santa Claus. A lot of people called in with different situations and ideas of what Steve could do and a good barometer is that if you want a bunch of hot bitches on a yacht to pretend like they like you and possibly blow you, it’s gonna cost $30-$50K.

I don’t remember the last hour of the show. And I don’t remember giving a fuck what you think? So I think It’s time you just give me a break. Maybe take some responsibility for finding out what happened on the show yourself! Maybe I’m not your fucking nanny who has to tell you everything that happened! Yeah! I’m talking to you Will Pendarvis! Maybe pay attention to the show when it happens instead of taking the easy way out and reading this shit every day. FUCK THE GOVERNMENT IM OUT!

Hello and welcome to the Wednesday recap of TJES. We’ve got birds, drugs, smelly feet and dick punches for you today so sit back and open your mind hole, and let me come inside you.

Birds are terrifying monsters who kind of got fucked in the evolutionary lottery when they didn’t grow to be 30 feet tall. Had they of been 30 foot tall winged morons with liquid shits, man would be living in constant fear of being eaten or being instantly drowned by a Nickelodeon-style shit bombing. Eagles are about the closest thing that come to a threat, and they are all but extinct, so fuck them. According to a caller, eagles have a 400 PSI grip so they probably give terrible hand jobs. They are sometimes known for ripping out their prey’s spines and eating them once they die. Ellis can relate to that, because that’s one thing he has always fantasized about: ripping out something’s spine and murdering it. I can completely understand the homicidal rage fantasies, as I’ve thought the same thing before. And Tully says as long as you don’t act on those urges, you’re probably going to be OK in the long run. Back to 30 foot birds: Now, if birds did somehow grow to be 30 feet tall, they would most likely pose a nuisance to mankind, sure. Much like having to look at homeless people every time I leave Wal-mart is a nuisance. Tully and Ellis pondered whether or not if given control of these 30 foot beasts, could homeless people take over the world? The answer is no, absolutely not. They are homeless because they aren’t good at stuff, and they’d ruin their best shot at ruling the world over a $20 bottle of gin.

Ellis was on Dr. Drew last night. There were stories about this, and stories about that. He is becoming the resident poop and dick story guy, and he is totally comfortable with that. Plus having a bunch of smart, hot chicks climb on you and flirt with you can’t be half bad either. Again, I haven’t been watching any of the appearances because news shows with a bunch of talking heads arguing with each other gives my rage monster a throbbing hard on. But if you’re interested: Drew on Call is on HLN, Jason is on Tuesdays and Thursdays and the show is on at like 7 East or something.

How much are you on social media? Chances are if you found this article, you found it through Twitter or Facebook. The guys talked a bit about how having everything on your phone can potentially start to ruin your life bit by bit. Maybe when you first got it, you would check email, maybe facebook, twitter or play a game a couple of times a day. Then you start checking it more and more, until eventually you are staring down every few minutes just to refresh and see the same shit you saw a second ago. Tully said he had been thinking about how a person might really benefit from quitting social media for a while, and experience life the way you are supposed to. A girl named Chelsea called the show and told the guys that she quit social media a year or so ago, and has never felt better. The reason being, is that she felt she was growing envious of other people’s lives and the things they were sharing on Facebook. I think I speak for everyone when I say WELL LA DEE FUCKING DA CHELSEA. LOOK WHO THINKS THEY ARE BETTER THAN EVERYONE BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T TAILK TO ANYONE ON THE INTERNET ANYMORE. EAT POO CHELSEA! EAT POO! I can say that because she’ll never read this from under her self imposed rock.

You know about DMT right? Well if not, it’s a psychedelic drug found in Ayahuasca that Aubrey from Onnit is always talking about. Well, DMT: The Spirit Molecule is a documentary all about it, and the director, Mitch Schultz and Steve, the Australian guy who takes drugs were on the show today. Ellis tried talking himself into doing DMT once again, and is still having the same anxiety he’s had about it since Aubrey came back from Peru. Mitch and Steve were nice enough dudes, they just didn’t have much to really add to the conversation that anyone who has heard the conversation before has heard. I listen to Joe Rogan all the time, so I’ve heard the discussion a dozen times. They talked about how you need to go into a trip with intention rather than as a party thing, and if you know psychedelics, you already know that. Anyways, I didn’t particularly care for the interview, so naturally, I took to twitter to see if I was alone:

Branden‏@CrackerStacker6 4h

Ok, what’s everyone’s general take on the DMT guys? #MakeMyRecapEasy

• 中 Queen of the Fam 中‏@azkellie 3h

  @CrackerStacker6 stop trying to convince me drugs are cool. #cmonareyouchicken #justdoit

Hey assholes, glad you got sad and lonely enough to bring yourself before us, yet again to read about the show we probably all listened too just a few short hours ago. HOLY SHIT! You remember when Ellis told us about the car wreck he was in today? Ok, so this is easier if I pretend you listened to nothing. Ellis was in a car wreck today. Nothing major, but some asshole stopped short on him and he bumped him or something and fucked up the Porsche. THE PORSCHE. Anyway, it was determined it was the other dude’s fault, but you know insurance companies, they will ram that deductible dick directly into your dumb ass. Speaking of sentences with too many D’s in it: Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show the other day and they played some clips from it where Ellis licked Anahita Sedaminophen’s box. Not her vagina box, her Brady Bunch/Hollywood Squares box that they put all the talking heads into. She’s gonna be going to Go Karts next Friday too so that should be cool. Ellis had a couple one liners on the show that garnered some positive reviews from people who watch that show. I didn’t watch it because I never remember to DVR it, but you should remember to watch it because he is going to be on there every Tuesday and Thursday as a replacement for that one red head chick. She sucked.

Anyways, Jason and Katie are going camping this weekend to scout out spots that don’t suck so they can bring the kids and not having to worry about the spot being full of suck. Tully  went to Trampoline World with the kid. He showed his kid how to bounce off the walls and dunk on a 10 foot rim, but little Linsanity couldn’t have given less of a fuck about his Dad’s assisted prowess. Asshole. Katie is becoming a better kickboxer these days, and Ellis is into it. But he tried to film her yesterday and she jumped his shit because he was distracting her from her work. Which means he may have created a monster. Which may be a bad idea when you think about how she is the kind of chick who incorporates pain into sex, and you are teaching her how to throw kicks and punches professionally. Or, you’re into it. I’m not a real man, do what the fuck you want. Speaking of chicks beating up dudes with boners, Kevin came in and they kind of recapped his torture on Monday at the hands of Skin. He’s got some war wounds and he admitted he was getting really pissed off at the repetitive pain in the same spot. Tully says he could see how if that were happening to him, his initial knee jerk reaction would be to deck her in the face. He wouldn’t do it of course, but ya know….He’d wanna smack a bitch. Kevin and Ellis disagreed, but I’m on board with that. I once broke a cupboard because I bashed my head on the sharp corner and the pain woke up the rage monster.

Kevin  broke up with his pornstar girlfriend. He says its because he couldn’t help but get hung up on the porn thing. They realized they were getting serious so that kind of freaked him out. He had to defend himself to Ellis a little bit because Ellis thinks him telling her that it’s because of porn was hurtful and that’s not right. Kevin was up front about his feelings and came right out and said it was his own insecurities and he feels like a dick and he still really likes her. I was leaning more to Kevin’s side at first, because I don’t think I could date a porn chick, but we are talking about a dude who had pot smoke blown up his butt and has had multiple things placed on his balls so he could guess what they are, so he doesn’t really have the moral high ground. Meh, whatever. Kevin seemed pretty bummed out so It feels weird to speculate on shit. Let’s talk about squirrels jacking off.

Squirrels jack off. A lot. And they have their very own special way of doing it by humping the fuck out of a tree. Horses masturbate by rubbing their gigantic horse dicks on the ground and by humping posts. You’ve got to be hard up as hell to hump a post. Horse owners need to get the things a pocket pussy or something. I hear your mom is in talks to have her cavernous twat molded for one that might fight. Oh? Dolphins fuck fish heads which is gangster as all fuck. Dolphins are fucking psychos. But probably most evil of all creatures, Penguins are known to gang rape women(penguins), babies (penguins) and dead bodies(doesn’t matter when they are dead, squishy is squishy).

In a retarded Voltron of news media, Dog/Pot/Cock News included a dog who bit the dick of his owner, and when the cops showed up to the scene, they found a massive hash oil operation which may or may not be legal.

Unsigned bands was pretty uneventful, aside from Ellismania MVP champion of the world, Butterballs sending in a band he hasn’t been in in a while. They sort of sounded like Zebrahead to me, which isn’t an insult from me at all. The overall winner though was a band called The Regulators which sounded like a much more polished Hatebean, singing songs about being “Down by the river”/”Man with a shadow” and if you know nothing about the show, you still know that songs are always better when they happen down by the river.

Tully read off a Cosmo article that basically told women they can stop shaving, burp fart and grow dicks and men won’t notice as long as they give them orgasms. Ellis is a bit of a fruit with some things, but he gave a good lashing to the spirit of which the article was meant. Ladies, if you stop giving a shit about leaving some mystery with your men, then whatever shred of humanity he has left hanging on will disappear. You don’t really want to have farting contests with your dude and then have him go down on you do you? Unless that’s your thing I guess. In which case, please leave me your number in the comments.

Will Pendarvis decided to interview the new exciting intern, Hot Dog, so that the listeners could get to know him a little better. Some of the more exciting points about this riveting young man:

• He has caught a lot of stuff at concerts
• Used to work at a Chicken Holocause manufacturer
• Has a 2003 Camry
• Almost fell through a sky light one time.
• Went to Alaska once on a cruise.
• Cooked Hot dogs at a stadium and was voted vendor of the month.

Listen, Pendarvis, maybe the next time you want to interview an intern, you need to leave it to the pros. Or maybe Hot Dog is a boring asshole, but that could be what we love about him.

Jesus Christ, I have to remember to write less notes so I can write less recap. The Don’t Die segment was “What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done to a vehicle” Where we (And apparently somebody that Tully knows was listening and very well may be getting into some shit for saying this on air) learned that Tully was responsible for totaling the family Saturn back in the day. I don’t have much else to add to this, but I wanted it down for the record just in case said person reads this site as well. Hi Mrs. Tully!

Holy fucking afternoon motherfuckers. Look at me getting this shit done before nightfall. It’s a new day my friends, a new day. Just kidding, I just decided to do this instead of go pick up my kid from daycare. Bow to your lame, scumbag God!

And also bow to you sexual degenerate God, Jason Ellis. Tully said how nice it was to be sitting across from a sexual degenerate every day, and Jason seemed a little offended at first, and a bit confused. Tully then explained what it was all about and how Chuck Liddell may secretly be a sexual degenerate but you’d be a fool to ask him. The guys hypothesized what Mick Mars of Motley Crue fame might have gotten up to in his heavy degenerate days. How long did it take for him to get jaded enough to fist a man? One album? Two albums? How long before he woke up next to an ashamed looking goat with wobbly legs? The rest of us may never know how deep that rabbit hole goes.

Tully Bro’d down with his kid the other night while his wife went out and got shit faced which is the hallmark of any healthy parents. One person to hold down the fort and let the kid believe everything is normal, while the other goes and tries to forget their life is over and nothing will be good ever again.

Ellis wants a grand entrance into the studio. Maybe have the interns sprinkle flowers over him in the elevator. Maybe wear a cape a ‘la James Brown. The best idea that came out of it was getting Hot Dog to follow him into the elevator dressed as an Ewok and sing the songs of the Ewoks in a crowded elevator.

Ellis was on Dr. Drew last night, and rehashed the story about the 8 year old who was abused by a guy, and the guy went to jail, got out of jail and then a member of the family killed him. Jason completely agrees with the decision to kill the guy and Dr. Drew thought he maybe didn’t really feel that way. Nope. There may be a more rational way to go about dealing with the situation of somebody molested your kids, like calling the police and reporting it. But…..No. Just kill the fucker and go to jail if you have to. It’s very strange how we like to see ourselves as evolved and rational beings, but every now and then, out of necessity, we devolve and have to tap into that primal, murderous rage, because oddly enough: It’s the right thing to do. These people may be sick, or mentally scarred, but ultimately, they are broken and can’t ever be trusted to operate in society where they can do more harm and create more assholes like them. To quote Ellis “If you molest my kid, I’m gonna make you die.” I’m totally with Jason on this one. If someone ever touches my kid, you can bet I’m painting a masterpiece of brutality, and making it a tough fucking for the clean up crews. And then I’ll call Ellis to……

Get. The. Cock. Off. Your. Chest. More of the usual fare here, a dude got blown by a Native American tranny, and she wanted him to talk dirty to him while she was blowing him and he busted out the old classic “You like getting fucked by the white man??” line. I wonder if a single tear dropped down her cheek as he booted her out onto the highway. A very evil and smart lady drugged her mother in law because she was such a bitch. Risky move, but it’s got quite a high reward so, pick your timing wisely.

Dolphins. We all know them as the murderous sexual predators of the sea that they are. And they may be moving in on your lady. A british lady has opened up about how she openly had a sexual relationship with a dolphin. She was a trainer, and the dolphin took a liking too her, rubbing up on her, humping her leg and hurting her a little bit from the thrusters. She continuously tried to fend him off, until she finally gave in and jerked the little guy off. She jerked the dolphin off for a time, and then one day when the dude had to be transferred, he died shortly after. More than likely of a broken heart. Ah, your mom. She’ll jerk off anything. The show dolphin came into the studio to shed a little light on the conversation. He’s a little bummed that Jason doesn’t want to have sex with him. But Jason reckons he could get Katie to jerk him off and the dolphin is pumped on that. So when is ok to jerk off a dog? You’ve got to have a medical reason (for the dog, not because you have anxiety (Or are Dingo)) for giving the little fella a release. The conversation tail spinned into if Tiger asked Ellis to jerk him off when he was 18, and Ellis would have to tell him he is gay and probably needs therapy because why are you asking your dad to jerk you off. Holy shit I’m sorry. I’m listening to this live and it’s going off the rails fast as fuck. MOVING ON.

Tard that Tune made it’s return, and this time around, Cumtard has added the Helium factor into his conglomerations. So for the purposes of this recap, I’m going to call the segment Tard That Tune: Even Tarder. That’s my jokes for this segment. It’s not very easy to recap and I’m not very ambitious. Googly Boo!

Ellis was on Doug Benson’s wed show “Getting Doug With High” today, and left the show early. It’s live right now as I write this, but might be gone by the time I finish it.  People get high on there. Jason is gonna get high on there and then go on the red carpet for something?

Ellis leaves and Tully is left to man the phones and take out the rest of the show. The topic is “What is the dumbest thing you have ever done while high” The clear winner above and beyond was the guy who called in to tell the story about how him and his friends accidentally left incense burning and his buddy’s house burned to the ground. He won a UFC code.

Let’s see… Well that’s about it. Remember, to always wash that extra warm section of your asshole, it’s always the stinkiest and requires a little extra attention.