Much like Ellis has been doing over the last couple of days, this recap will be like shit in a bag.

Ever had the kind of stomach problems where you had to shit in a hat? Me either, I usually assume sick degenerates like Cumtard are the only ones that are reduced to scooping their own poo into a bag so the doctor can tell you if you have worms or something. Well add Jason “Cat AIDS” Ellis to that list of sickly bastards. He doesn’t really have cat AIDS, he does have some kind of feline disease called Gertrude or some shit I couldn’t hear it clearly. So he’s gotta take some stuff, see some folks and he will be back to normal poopies soon. In other Ellis medical news, the doctor cleared him for physical activity so he is ready to get back in the gym and stop being such a fatty fat fat. And also he got picked up to race UTV’s on a team, so woooo racing talk.

Short disclaimer before I continue, I was in and out on most of the show because the SiriusXM app is a steaming pile of shit on top of a anal cyst. So I will give you what I can, when I can, and you’ll like it because you are a dirty little bitch like that.

Still no Tully today, he is still suffering from EbolaSARSAIDSplague, and can barely get out of bed to wash his fever sweat soaked ass. Shout out to his infectious ass, get better soon, because Satan knows the show isn’t the same without him. Hail Satan.

In Tully’s place providing a wall for Ellis to bounce stuff off of is Christian Hand. They talk for an hour or so about straight razors and this company that makes battle axes and swords and shit. They are BaxterofCA on IG, and they shaved Jason’s head with a straight razor for a promo. Check them out if you like that old timey type of stuff. I checked it out, seemed cool enough if you’re into it.

After the break we came in with Katie and talk about how Bieber did some shit and paparazzi and blah blah blah. Maybe I’m just a bitter asshole, but maybe nobody outside of CA gives a fuck about the shit. CJH mentioned how Everlast wants to pay 3 paparazzi a million bucks a piece to follow that TMZ dude around making his life hell. Jason thinks having people following him around asking him offensive shit would be great, and he’d just start telling them how he was shitting in a bag earlier because he has cat AIDS. (Again, not cat AIDS, I just like cat AIDS).

After the break, Katie started off a fun segment about creepy dudes. Apparently, there is an ‘Other’ inbox of messages on Facebook, and one single dude had sent Katie over 200 messages about how they should be together, and he thinks she is just the bees knees. The messages did start to get a little creepy when he started calling her a double flusher for not responding and accepting his love. I should have written down a lot more of things that were said in his messages, but suffice it to say, fuck you. Christian checked his inbox and found a long, detailed post-breakup rant from his ex Adrianne Curry who once fucked him with a strap on. (foreallyshow.com). After the show shared their stories, the callers opened up with stories about dudes who tattooed their names on their chest, followed them home, hired drug dealers to burn down their house and of course broke into their house and left one single item on the porch, to let them know they were there. Ah, young love.

Finally, we got to play “What’s in My Ass” with Joanna Angel. We weren’t finding out what was in her ass, however. The recipient of all the glorious rectal torture was none other than Jason Ellis himself. Don’t ever say he isn’t a team player folks. The basic gist of the game is Ellis puts his hole up in the air with his face on the floor like a good little girl, and Joanna puts stuff near his bum and he has to guess what it is. Just a few things that were put onto his Brown Eye:

• A wet marshmallow
• A vibrating mouse cat toy
• Toilet Brush
• Tooth Brush
• Hair Brush (Pattern?)
• Meal Worms (Holy shit.)
• Ice (mellow)
• Feather Duster (Gayyyyyyyyyyy)
• Shock Collar, cranked up to 10 and shocked his anus. (DING DING DING)

That was all good for a laugh. Joanna Angel has a radio show on Channel 791 on the Sirius XM “Works all the time 50% of the time” App on Tues from 1-2. Check it out, she talks about getting dudes off, and they have a lot of creepy callers. Your Mom is basically the OxyContin John of Vivid Radio.

Well, either the show ended or I stopped writing notes. Just kidding, after that it was final calls and just general bullshitting about this that and the other. To be honest, my heart just isn’t in the thing as much when Tully isn’t there. Ellis is good at firing off random topics, and Tully is the perfect man to catch them as they come and turn it into a deeper and more hilarious conversation. Nothing against the CJH, but Tully and Ellis have that rhythm that comes from all the years of talking to only each other, and it simply can’t be matched. Often what I see happen in these shows is Ellis’ brain set on random just fires off in every direction, never landing in just one place, so the show becomes this singularly long tapestry of conversations. It’s not the worst thing ever to listen to, but it sure is fucking hard to recount without typing one thousand words. Well, on that note, I’m at 990 now so it’s probably time to go. Go. Go. 1000.

Hey there. Here is the part where I introduce you to the recap, but yeah, nothing witty or funny is coming to mind, so fuuuuuuuckk you. On with the recapping.

A man named Crazy called the show early on, (Not Crazy Jerr, this was a point of contention) and he had a wicked case of hiccups, so Ellis shot him in hopes to fix that. Remember kids, if you or someone you love has the hiccups, get a bullet in them. Speaking of getting bullets in ya, Ellis has been kind of down lately, maybe because of the stress of negotiations coupled with being sick and not being able to work out because of his heart stuff. And when he gets down, the hard stuff in his childhood takes the front seat and fucks with his head. But he powers through and realizes that even the bad stuff shaped his life. And Ellis has the connection with other people who went through the same thing because they all have the same mindset. Tully agreed that a lot of the time, people who went through certain circumstances and situations, are sort of put in play for certain lifestyles. Whether that is as simple as being gay, or being into kinky shit, or just being into dark stuff, there isn’t anything wrong with any of that, but essentially your experiences or situations can push you a couple of steps in a certain direction. This is too serious. Bring on the racist jokes!

Tully’s mother in law is in town, and it’s making him realize just how much Japanese got leaked into his kid. She made breakfast for them this morning which consisted of rice wrapped in seaweed and tiny, whole fish. And she made a soup with tiny little fish in it too. What. The. Fuck. Haven’t these people learned about lucky charms? Who the fuck makes fish cereal???  But, the Littlest Tully digs on the Asian food, so what can you do?

So the ALS Ice Bucket challenge has been sweeping the nation and there really is no way to escape videos of people dumping water on themselves. The good news is that the ALS foundation has received $16 Million in donations vs. last year’s $50,000. So no matter how annoying it is to see it over and over, no matter how unoriginal and lame people trying to be original and cool are doing the videos, tough shit, it’s working. That’s not enough for Cumtard though, who says it’s jumped the shark, and is lame now. So he did not participate in dumping water on his head when challenged by the Champion of the World Butterballs. Instead, he just donated the $100 and fucked it off. This wasn’t enough for Jason because he supposedly told everyone in the green room to do it, and they all fucked it off. Ellis got pissed about the whole thing and yelled at everyone for a minute (Except for Tully, who got called out but is of course protected under contract and can’t be challenged for charity.). Will did the same as Kevin and donated the money and yada yada yada. Funny thing was, Ellis was challenged a few months ago by some moto dudes, but didn’t do it then because he wanted to do it bigger or something. Ellis made them both spin the wheel I’m assuming because they didn’t do what he said. Will had to eat anchovies while listening to Bon Jovi, which made him fake vomit and everyone laughed joyously. Kevin had to put Bengay under his armpits. It didn’t do anything. Later in the show, while Cumtard didn’t do the challenge, the Smartest Box in the World, AKA: Kevin’s balls ended up doing the challenge, and it was kind of funny. so….

There was a video of Mel Gibson talking about Robin Williams and a bunch of people think Mel is on coke. Ellis thinks that’s bullshit, that the dude looks great for a racist alcoholic psychopath. The video kind of boiled down to him touching his nose so everyone jumped on the cocaine train.

Kaleem is a boy with gigantic hands. He’s from India, which seems to be the part of the world where these kinds of things happen. Unfortunately for Hammer Fists, the Jason Ellis Show has a deep well of jokes for people with giant hands. Tully proposed he could come to America and star in insurance commercials alongside Dikembe Mutumbo blocking shots like a madman. He can use his hands, gripping stuff but really it’s more like he rests them on things. He could also be a god damn superhero if he swings one of those sledgehammers at someone’s dome. Ahhh the legend of MittenHands.

After the break, the guys had a segment that Cumtard put together of the most horrible rappers of Youtube. First Up 50 Tysonwho is a Youtube rapping sensation with autism. Can you believe the nerve of Cumtard? Trying to get Ellis and Tully to make fun of a dude with a genuine disability? Pretty fucked up if you ask me. I’d be willing to bet Cumtard went to tard school with this kid and got humiliated in a rap battle and this was his long game at getting back at him. Foiled once again, tard boy. The rest of the rappers in the segment were all horrible, but like 5 of them were all people who were on tosh.0 a couple of years ago so it wasn’t anything new if you’ve watched that show or been on the internet for an extended period of time. Names like: Froggy Fresh (Who was Krispy Kreme), The Why Must I Cry dude, the (Above) Average (Racist) Homeboy, and the Cold in the D chicks. Maybe I’m a negative asshole, but I thought it went on a little too long. The bad music thing never really does much for me, especially when some of the acts are intentionally being bad, or are so bad that it’s more annoying than funny. The hope here is that you can make fun of it enough to where you can make the segment funny, but it just didn’t do much for me.

Final calls were as final calls do. Not a whole lot of hits, but one guy did ask Tully and Ellis how they met. The boys regaled (One day I’m going to go back and see how many times I’ve used ‘regaled’, I bet it’s at least once per recap) us with the tale of how “There they were, and there was a hole, and a man is only a man and a man has needs as only a man can, and they bonded through the hole before they got to know each other and they exchanged fluids and became compatible for a 4 hour radio show format.”

A lady in Oregon set her husband on fire because he refused to not put weed killer on their lawn to protect their dogs. Fucking hippies.

Here’s a clown.

Cup the balls….Like THIS!

Good evening, bitches. We’ve got a doozy of a show to go over today. I’m sure a lot of you are here to find out all the juicy drama that happened towards the end of the show. I’ll get to that soon enough, but I’m a creature of habit, and I’m not gonna blow my load before start jacking off, I gotta go in order. So if all you want is to hear about contract negotiations, all you need to know is down there….no…lower….lower…..

Ellis opened up the show talking about a homeless lady he saw near the bus station this morning. Only this one had two kids with her, one as young as six years old, and it looked like they had slept there the night before. So Ellis gave her $20, and she gave him a story about how she needed $90 for a hotel for a night, because the shelters in LA wouldn’t take her and her kids in without California ID. I may be wrong here, but that sounds like an awful lot like bullshit if you ask me, but I looked up even a Motel 6 in Hollywood will run you about $85 a night, at least for a King size bed, so the amounts match up at least. Wilson came in and explained that he didn’t think providing the hotel room for the night would be much of a help for someone like that, because they are back on the street the next night. Ellis seemed to trust the lady, he could see that she had at least gotten where she is in part by drugs, but she seemed clean. I did a quick search on the internets and didn’t find any homeless shelters in LA that required any ID, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true, but it sounds like bullshit. If you’re wondering why I did further research on something twice in one recap, it’s because I’m sober. Yeah, I know, it’s a fucking travesty. But we all have homeless people around and as a general rule of thumb, it’s best to give them things (i.e. clothes, blankets, food, shoes etc.) but giving money is a lazy way to ease your conscience, so naturally that’s what we do. Anyone else depressed yet?

Annnnnd scene.

So Ellis tweeted something last night about needing a producer. Naturally, people started assuming Kevin had been fired for something or other and the show was out a producer. Jason assured everyone that wasn’t the case, and Kevin is still around.  In case you were wondering, Hot Dog’s Fuck/Marry/Kill for people on the show is as follows: Fuck Jetta because he could overwhelm him, sexually. Kill Kevin because he would make cool squealing sounds, and marry Tully because he is smarter than Ellis and could take better care of him. Ellis would be a passionate love, but a fast and loose life is not what the Hot Dog needs.

Victoria Bitter is a beer from Australia. Ellis looked back fondly on memories of the super manly commercials he remembered from his childhood. Jude and Tully watched the commercial and confirmed it was filled with more dripping with as much homoeroticism as Freddy Mercury’s mustache. Jude is cool, check out Foreally Show , @Shit_Toboggan turned me onto it and I’ve been all over that lately.

Ok, let’s see: Sharks, Shark rules, World’s Greatest Wednesday: What’s the greatest job for Ellis which they never got to finish, and Tully and Ellis watched and reviewed ‘Cobra’ , a 1986 piece of shit starring Sylvester Stallone. It’s filled with every cheesy action bullshit you’d expect from the guy who made so many other cheesy pieces of shit. Sometimes a movie gets so bad that it actually starts to get good again. This one does that, and then gets bad all over again. Fun Fact by Tully: This was the original script they asked Stallone to write for Beverly Hills Cop.

Aubrey Marcus called in today, and he is back from doing drugs in the jungle again. He had a bad trip where he thought he was going to die, but then saw something that turned it positive and yay for drugs. The interesting part of this whole segment was when Aubrey was talking about how when outside forces are trying to stop you from reaching your goals, and achieving your full potential you have to take a stand and…..HOLY SHIT THIS PARALELLS ELLIS AND THE CONTRACTS AND LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

So Ellis is really pissed about how these contract negotiations have gone. It started off with someone telling him he was getting his own channel, where he controls the music and the content. Then they said there was a misunderstanding and he couldn’t have that. Then they told him that, yes, they did tell him that but now none of that is on the table for him. So he went from getting everything he ever wanted, to basically having the exact same thing he has now, and oh yeah, someone is doing a morning show in your studio. The kicker here was that someone contacted him to let him know he can’t have anything he wanted during the break, and it killed all the momentum of the show, so the guys said fuck it, and went home. Tully seemed to maintain that the show would be back tomorrow to kind of piece things together, but honestly, I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t show up. Ellis was pissed, and was talking about how maybe they won’t have a show anymore, and they’d have to move on to something else. Naturally, this pissed Ellisfam THE. FUCK. OFF. Not at Ellis, but at shit-ass Sirius for fucking with our show, Almost immediately, Twitter started exploding with people tweeting SiriusXM saying how they will cancel their subscriptions if Ellis is no longer on their airwaves. And really, what else would you need Sirius for? There isn’t shit else, but I digress. I had a whole ‘Fuck Sirius’ speech mapped out in my head, and it was pretty awesome, but then Ellis tweeted:

Jason Ellis‏@EllisMate 4h

No 1 needs to hold hands on this shit. It’s getting sorted. Poorly handled to say the least but handled it will be! Pissed not quitting.

Where the fuck to even start, Ellisfam? After my first listen to the first hour of TJES today, I only had a few notes and they didn’t fit together to make any sort of cohesive conversation. Upon my second listen, yeah, the conversation switched focus more than your mom in a gangbang. So I’m not even going to try to make sense of it, I’m just gonna present it to you how I wrote it down:

Katie partied with her friends last night, and starting to party at 1:30 is odd. Ellis has coffee moisturizer and moisturizer models are liars. Halle Berry cries on penis on camera really well. Christopher Meloni can act circles around Ice T, even if Meloni played two people in the same scene, and one of them had a fake mustache on. Ice T can’t run. Tom Cruise probably can’t run a whole lot, just a few short bursts while filming. But Hulk Hogan can’t run because he has big pythons and his legs have been neglected. Russel Crowe hasn’t been in anything good in a long time and he’s fat and Noah sucks. That’s your first hour, fuck off.

Remember how Jetta doesn’t know classic rock? The guys brought him in to finish off yesterday’s segment where we see what bands Jetta doesn’t know. I’m a little mixed on this one. Yeah, it’s funny how much he doesn’t know, but these aren’t necessarily songs everyone has heard, I seriously hadn’t heard a bunch of them before in my life. That being said, I still knew who most of them were, even not ever hearing them. Some of the more offensive guesses to Ellis, Tully and Christian were: Thinking ZZ Top was Bruce Springsteen, not knowing one song was Elvis, thought the Doors were Pink Floyd and only knew INXS because they had that reality show contest. Alright, my real opinion on a lot of these: Go fuck yourself, it’s not that good. Elvis may have started the rock and roll game, but seriously, fuck Elvis. That’s like saying Pistol Pete Marovich is a legendary basketball player, and he is, but Dwyane Wade would break his fucking ankles 9 times out of 10. I can’t stand Bruce Springsteen either. Or the Doors. Or INXS, and I can say “Yeah, thanks for paving the way” but I don’t necessarily think these guys are required listening to appreciate music any more. The dog collar on Jetta is funny because he hates it, the banter is funnier than hell, and Jetta’s guessed are hilariously offensive to the three music snobs but the whole thing kind of comes off as a bunch of old men saying “Back in my day” over and over. Ellis did have one legendary line during this which made me spit water onto my steering wheel and it was: “Anytime you hear that voice, it’s Jim Morrisson and the Doors. And if it sounds more plugged in than that, it’s Danzig.” BOOM! Ellis nails it. Danzig sucks too.

Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a bitch fight, where Bloom took a swing at Bieber and missed, and then Bieber posted a picture of Bloom’s wife or girlfriend on IG….Just….Really who gives a flying fuck? The guys played a clip from TMZ of a dude explaining the whole convoluted, middle school-style chain of events and all I could think was: If I had to work for TMZ and take an interest in this stuff, I would be drawing rough sketches on clever ways of killing myself every day after work. Can you imagine reaching the pinnacle of your potential as a journalist and you are talking about the goings-on of Justin Bieber, Orlando Bloom and their non-fight over some vapid model chick and pretending like it’s an interesting story? Even worse, imagine you put that out and you knew millions of people ate that shit up because they are even dumber than you. Can we re-visit that scenario the show talked about like a year ago where you put up a sign that says “meet Kloe Kardashian” and everyone who walks in just gets murdered? It should be that way with click-bait bullshit TMZ shit. Any story you click on immediately turns your computer or phone into a mini-nuke and blows your ass away. Fucking non story bullshit assholes. Fuck you.

Jaden Smith MOTHER FUCKER WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THESE SHITHEAD MOTHERFUCKERS AHDFJA;SOIHF P9NYUHQRC[OWQ IJFPOIUWH CNFPIBOGWTQYXRN[MIHWGYFUXB;NCFBOPNAXWUFCLBANU; ULBSNFCMHN SGUPNFM

Me, every time they talk a long time about Hollywood News.

A promise of World’s greatest Wednesday may save us from all of this celebrity tard talk. Back from the break and no, the topic is World’s greatest Rich but Useless celebrity. So I heard a bunch of names I had never heard, which apparently are reality stars. Ya know, this made me feel really good about how little I watch that bullshit. Anyway here is your top 10 5.

• #4 (Tie) Honey Boo-Boo’s mom, Jaden Smith, Shaq
• #3 (Tie) Pauly D(Jersey Shore), Sarah Palin, K-Fed
• #2 Yoko Ono
• #1 Running away with the competition by 25 votes, our very own, Dingo.

Ellis and Tully seemed a little baffled by Dingo being the runaway favorite for most useless celebrity, only being slightly vindicated by the “What exactly does he do?” joke that seemed to run away from them. Well, from one of the dudes who suggested Dingo (Pretty sure @SharkChucker suggested it too) let me break it down: I have no idea what Dingo does besides be friends with famous people and wear and promote clothes they make or distribute. He’s just a brand plugging machine, who occasionally makes radio gold because he isn’t paying attention to what’s happening around him because he is on his phone trying to plug brands or talk to more famous people about brands he can plug. He’s an accidental genius sometimes on the show, and he makes me laugh, but if you want to know the answer as to why the fans overwhelmingly selected him for WGW: Most Useless Celebrity, there it is from years of watching the collective groan of my Twitter feed every Monday.

I don’t really have much else for today. The guys brought Wilson in to cut some lines for a new segment which is “Shit Will/Jada Smith’s kid’s say” and it was pretty funny because he is made uneasy by coloreds. I’m going to close out the recap with an exchange between Ellis and Tully, which I think perfectly represents the show for anyone who accidentally happens upon this site without knowing TJES.

Ellis: “I don’t trust skinny black people”

Tully: “That’s provocative”

Ellis: “Wait, it turns you on?”

Tully: “No, not sexually provocative.”

Ellis: “Oh.”

Well hello there, you beautiful bastards. I’ve got a bit of good news and a bit of bad news. I seem to have misplaced my notes somewhere, so I’m gonna have to free style this one. The good news is: Not a lot of anything happened on the show today so I think as long as my typing stays ahead of my beer drinking, we’ll have ourselves a coherent discussion. Breaks my heart a little bit to think I may have misplaced those notes somewhere though….Someone is going to stare at a piece of paper trying to understand what “Honey Diaper Baby Tard” means….And you, my friend will find out later in this recap!

First topic up today was about as gentlemanly as a conversation as I’ve heard on the Jason Ellis show. Ellis got a new straight razor from a place that custom makes things of that nature, and I would tell you what it was now if I had of written it down. But I didn’t. It’s super cool and him and Katie sliced each other because they are out of their balls. Katie has a friend who knows how to do a proper straight razor shave though, and is going to teach Katie how to do it. This snowballed into a conversation about making basically a man-spa-salon. Imagine a place where you can get a straight razor shave from a topless chick, get a tattoo from a topless chick, drink a 3 finger scotch served to you by a topless chick and finally get your pubes properly manicured by a topless chick. Sounds like a sweet afternoon, really. All of the real old-timey misogyny shit just compressed into one single room is not a bad thing at all, in my book. They talked about this for awhile. And then they stopped.

Cue boners.

Christmas Abbott came on the show today and she is just wonderful. They talked about Crossfit for like an hour which was boring as shit. But she is just wonderful and can do no wrong in my eyes. Since I lost my notes, I’m going to leave you with the photographic summation of how Twitter feels about Crossfit talk on TJES.

Shove your Crossfit talk up your ass.

Just to straighten this back out. Jesus Christ.

Christmas stuck around for a while as Sam Tripoli came on the show once again to stammer out predictably lame jokes and try to plug himself into being famous. I don’t really care much for him, but Ellis likes him I guess and he is basically a pitching machine for Tully to verbally abuse, so just half fuck that guy. Anyway, a very odd thing happened next, even by Jason Ellis Show standards. Occasionally this show takes strange turns intro territory previously never thought of by any human alive, and you have to ask yourself: “What in the actual fuck am I listening to?” Today was one of those days……

You listen to this show. Remember that. This is where you are with your life.

So, stay with me here: Cumtard put on a diaper, filled it with honey and put the speech jammer app for the last 2 hours of the show. To really sum it up, Sam and Ellis started talking about basically nothing, and then Christmas, who was still there, would be like “Umm, guys? Yeah this dude is eating the honey out of his diaper.” and hilarity would ensue. I like Christmas. I hate Tripoli. Now, I am going to try something new. This new thing may blossom into a whole other thing entirely after, or it may crash and burn miserably. But we are going to try it. In honor of Cumtard, who is probably doing irreconcilable damage to his brain using the speech jammer, here is a speech jammer recap of the last hour of The Jason Ellis Show.