Hey there. Here is the part where I introduce you to the recap, but yeah, nothing witty or funny is coming to mind, so fuuuuuuuckk you. On with the recapping.
A man named Crazy called the show early on, (Not Crazy Jerr, this was a point of contention) and he had a wicked case of hiccups, so Ellis shot him in hopes to fix that. Remember kids, if you or someone you love has the hiccups, get a bullet in them. Speaking of getting bullets in ya, Ellis has been kind of down lately, maybe because of the stress of negotiations coupled with being sick and not being able to work out because of his heart stuff. And when he gets down, the hard stuff in his childhood takes the front seat and fucks with his head. But he powers through and realizes that even the bad stuff shaped his life. And Ellis has the connection with other people who went through the same thing because they all have the same mindset. Tully agreed that a lot of the time, people who went through certain circumstances and situations, are sort of put in play for certain lifestyles. Whether that is as simple as being gay, or being into kinky shit, or just being into dark stuff, there isn’t anything wrong with any of that, but essentially your experiences or situations can push you a couple of steps in a certain direction. This is too serious. Bring on the racist jokes!
Tully’s mother in law is in town, and it’s making him realize just how much Japanese got leaked into his kid. She made breakfast for them this morning which consisted of rice wrapped in seaweed and tiny, whole fish. And she made a soup with tiny little fish in it too. What. The. Fuck. Haven’t these people learned about lucky charms? Who the fuck makes fish cereal??? But, the Littlest Tully digs on the Asian food, so what can you do?
So the ALS Ice Bucket challenge has been sweeping the nation and there really is no way to escape videos of people dumping water on themselves. The good news is that the ALS foundation has received $16 Million in donations vs. last year’s $50,000. So no matter how annoying it is to see it over and over, no matter how unoriginal and lame people trying to be original and cool are doing the videos, tough shit, it’s working. That’s not enough for Cumtard though, who says it’s jumped the shark, and is lame now. So he did not participate in dumping water on his head when challenged by the Champion of the World Butterballs. Instead, he just donated the $100 and fucked it off. This wasn’t enough for Jason because he supposedly told everyone in the green room to do it, and they all fucked it off. Ellis got pissed about the whole thing and yelled at everyone for a minute (Except for Tully, who got called out but is of course protected under contract and can’t be challenged for charity.). Will did the same as Kevin and donated the money and yada yada yada. Funny thing was, Ellis was challenged a few months ago by some moto dudes, but didn’t do it then because he wanted to do it bigger or something. Ellis made them both spin the wheel I’m assuming because they didn’t do what he said. Will had to eat anchovies while listening to Bon Jovi, which made him fake vomit and everyone laughed joyously. Kevin had to put Bengay under his armpits. It didn’t do anything. Later in the show, while Cumtard didn’t do the challenge, the Smartest Box in the World, AKA: Kevin’s balls ended up doing the challenge, and it was kind of funny. so….
There was a video of Mel Gibson talking about Robin Williams and a bunch of people think Mel is on coke. Ellis thinks that’s bullshit, that the dude looks great for a racist alcoholic psychopath. The video kind of boiled down to him touching his nose so everyone jumped on the cocaine train.
Kaleem is a boy with gigantic hands. He’s from India, which seems to be the part of the world where these kinds of things happen. Unfortunately for Hammer Fists, the Jason Ellis Show has a deep well of jokes for people with giant hands. Tully proposed he could come to America and star in insurance commercials alongside Dikembe Mutumbo blocking shots like a madman. He can use his hands, gripping stuff but really it’s more like he rests them on things. He could also be a god damn superhero if he swings one of those sledgehammers at someone’s dome. Ahhh the legend of MittenHands.
After the break, the guys had a segment that Cumtard put together of the most horrible rappers of Youtube. First Up 50 Tysonwho is a Youtube rapping sensation with autism. Can you believe the nerve of Cumtard? Trying to get Ellis and Tully to make fun of a dude with a genuine disability? Pretty fucked up if you ask me. I’d be willing to bet Cumtard went to tard school with this kid and got humiliated in a rap battle and this was his long game at getting back at him. Foiled once again, tard boy. The rest of the rappers in the segment were all horrible, but like 5 of them were all people who were on tosh.0 a couple of years ago so it wasn’t anything new if you’ve watched that show or been on the internet for an extended period of time. Names like: Froggy Fresh (Who was Krispy Kreme), The Why Must I Cry dude, the (Above) Average (Racist) Homeboy, and the Cold in the D chicks. Maybe I’m a negative asshole, but I thought it went on a little too long. The bad music thing never really does much for me, especially when some of the acts are intentionally being bad, or are so bad that it’s more annoying than funny. The hope here is that you can make fun of it enough to where you can make the segment funny, but it just didn’t do much for me.
Final calls were as final calls do. Not a whole lot of hits, but one guy did ask Tully and Ellis how they met. The boys regaled (One day I’m going to go back and see how many times I’ve used ‘regaled’, I bet it’s at least once per recap) us with the tale of how “There they were, and there was a hole, and a man is only a man and a man has needs as only a man can, and they bonded through the hole before they got to know each other and they exchanged fluids and became compatible for a 4 hour radio show format.”
A lady in Oregon set her husband on fire because he refused to not put weed killer on their lawn to protect their dogs. Fucking hippies.
Here’s a clown.