Where the fuck to even start, Ellisfam? After my first listen to the first hour of TJES today, I only had a few notes and they didn’t fit together to make any sort of cohesive conversation. Upon my second listen, yeah, the conversation switched focus more than your mom in a gangbang. So I’m not even going to try to make sense of it, I’m just gonna present it to you how I wrote it down:
Katie partied with her friends last night, and starting to party at 1:30 is odd. Ellis has coffee moisturizer and moisturizer models are liars. Halle Berry cries on penis on camera really well. Christopher Meloni can act circles around Ice T, even if Meloni played two people in the same scene, and one of them had a fake mustache on. Ice T can’t run. Tom Cruise probably can’t run a whole lot, just a few short bursts while filming. But Hulk Hogan can’t run because he has big pythons and his legs have been neglected. Russel Crowe hasn’t been in anything good in a long time and he’s fat and Noah sucks. That’s your first hour, fuck off.
Remember how Jetta doesn’t know classic rock? The guys brought him in to finish off yesterday’s segment where we see what bands Jetta doesn’t know. I’m a little mixed on this one. Yeah, it’s funny how much he doesn’t know, but these aren’t necessarily songs everyone has heard, I seriously hadn’t heard a bunch of them before in my life. That being said, I still knew who most of them were, even not ever hearing them. Some of the more offensive guesses to Ellis, Tully and Christian were: Thinking ZZ Top was Bruce Springsteen, not knowing one song was Elvis, thought the Doors were Pink Floyd and only knew INXS because they had that reality show contest. Alright, my real opinion on a lot of these: Go fuck yourself, it’s not that good. Elvis may have started the rock and roll game, but seriously, fuck Elvis. That’s like saying Pistol Pete Marovich is a legendary basketball player, and he is, but Dwyane Wade would break his fucking ankles 9 times out of 10. I can’t stand Bruce Springsteen either. Or the Doors. Or INXS, and I can say “Yeah, thanks for paving the way” but I don’t necessarily think these guys are required listening to appreciate music any more. The dog collar on Jetta is funny because he hates it, the banter is funnier than hell, and Jetta’s guessed are hilariously offensive to the three music snobs but the whole thing kind of comes off as a bunch of old men saying “Back in my day” over and over. Ellis did have one legendary line during this which made me spit water onto my steering wheel and it was: “Anytime you hear that voice, it’s Jim Morrisson and the Doors. And if it sounds more plugged in than that, it’s Danzig.” BOOM! Ellis nails it. Danzig sucks too.
Orlando Bloom and Justin Bieber got into a bitch fight, where Bloom took a swing at Bieber and missed, and then Bieber posted a picture of Bloom’s wife or girlfriend on IG….Just….Really who gives a flying fuck? The guys played a clip from TMZ of a dude explaining the whole convoluted, middle school-style chain of events and all I could think was: If I had to work for TMZ and take an interest in this stuff, I would be drawing rough sketches on clever ways of killing myself every day after work. Can you imagine reaching the pinnacle of your potential as a journalist and you are talking about the goings-on of Justin Bieber, Orlando Bloom and their non-fight over some vapid model chick and pretending like it’s an interesting story? Even worse, imagine you put that out and you knew millions of people ate that shit up because they are even dumber than you. Can we re-visit that scenario the show talked about like a year ago where you put up a sign that says “meet Kloe Kardashian” and everyone who walks in just gets murdered? It should be that way with click-bait bullshit TMZ shit. Any story you click on immediately turns your computer or phone into a mini-nuke and blows your ass away. Fucking non story bullshit assholes. Fuck you.
Jaden Smith MOTHER FUCKER WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THESE SHITHEAD MOTHERFUCKERS AHDFJA;SOIHF P9NYUHQRC[OWQ IJFPOIUWH CNFPIBOGWTQYXRN[MIHWGYFUXB;NCFBOPNAXWUFCLBANU; ULBSNFCMHN SGUPNFM
A promise of World’s greatest Wednesday may save us from all of this celebrity tard talk. Back from the break and no, the topic is World’s greatest Rich but Useless celebrity. So I heard a bunch of names I had never heard, which apparently are reality stars. Ya know, this made me feel really good about how little I watch that bullshit. Anyway here is your top
- #4 (Tie) Honey Boo-Boo’s mom, Jaden Smith, Shaq
- #3 (Tie) Pauly D(Jersey Shore), Sarah Palin, K-Fed
- #2 Yoko Ono
- #1 Running away with the competition by 25 votes, our very own, Dingo.
Ellis and Tully seemed a little baffled by Dingo being the runaway favorite for most useless celebrity, only being slightly vindicated by the “What exactly does he do?” joke that seemed to run away from them. Well, from one of the dudes who suggested Dingo (Pretty sure @SharkChucker suggested it too) let me break it down: I have no idea what Dingo does besides be friends with famous people and wear and promote clothes they make or distribute. He’s just a brand plugging machine, who occasionally makes radio gold because he isn’t paying attention to what’s happening around him because he is on his phone trying to plug brands or talk to more famous people about brands he can plug. He’s an accidental genius sometimes on the show, and he makes me laugh, but if you want to know the answer as to why the fans overwhelmingly selected him for WGW: Most Useless Celebrity, there it is from years of watching the collective groan of my Twitter feed every Monday.
I don’t really have much else for today. The guys brought Wilson in to cut some lines for a new segment which is “Shit Will/Jada Smith’s kid’s say” and it was pretty funny because he is made uneasy by coloreds. I’m going to close out the recap with an exchange between Ellis and Tully, which I think perfectly represents the show for anyone who accidentally happens upon this site without knowing TJES.
Ellis: “I don’t trust skinny black people”
Tully: “That’s provocative”
Ellis: “Wait, it turns you on?”
Tully: “No, not sexually provocative.”