Show Re-cap for Wednesday 10/15/2014

Evening bitches, it’s me once again. I’m filling in for…wait, fuck I’m not filling in for anyone today, it’s my actual day, fuck yeah! I will be filling in for Az_RedDragon on Friday though because he is in Messico cohabitating with Messicans. Speaking of Friday, TJES will be in Vegas on Friday at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vinyl if any of the stalker types want to go try and rub some Tully Dick in person. Now, I’m pressed for time so I have to apologize, but we are doing a bullet point re-cap today. Continue reading

Show Re-cap for Friday 10/10/2014

hFA872364It’s the Birthday show Ya’ll! Oh Jesus Christ, I just typed that. Oh well fuck it, I’m not an edit posts kind of guy. You can all just step into my stream of consciousness and bask in mental excrement. And you’ll like it! You sick, dirty little fuck you WANT my excrement (Extra-Mint, in Ellis language check out the Ellis-English Dictionary) all over your mind’s chest. Ok, that’s all I have for shit metaphors for the time being. As I said, it’s Jason Ellis’ birthday today, today being 10/11, but Friday was the on air celebration of our beloved radio warlord. A lot of people (Will) put in a lot of work to make this a special day for Jason (Will saw an opportunity to win Jason’s affection) and many friends of the show stopped by and/or made baked goods to pay tribute to Young Wing. First off, a piece of production from what had to be the Jingleberries (Please make more songs, guys. We all miss your work dearly.) that bitPimps provided. Continue reading

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 10/1/2014

“Contrary to what you may assume, I am not a pessimist but an indifferentist- that is, I don’t make the mistake of thinking that the… cosmos… gives a damn one way or the the other about the especial wants and ultimate welfare of mosquitoes, rats, lice, dogs, men, horses, pterodactyls, trees, fungi, dodos, or other forms of biological energy.”
H.P. Lovecraft

 

God gives you nothing. This is important to remember, so as to not become an asshole. Or something like that. Today was one of those days where I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to what was said in the beginning because it didn’t sound a whole lot like anything I should cover. Kit Cope is in studio to help guide Ellis on a trip down STD memory lane. Ellis recalled the two STD’s he got from your mom after he got divorced. He didn’t even bang the slag, she just put her mouth on it and gave him one of the ones you can get rid of. Which of course means she had a diseased dick in her mouth reallllly fucking recently. It’s all good now though, Jason’s dick is doing great presumably after a few good cocktails (pun fully intended). Jason should probably do a “Scared Straight: STD edition for kids” where he goes around describing in great detail the things his dick has been through to pre-teens and keep them from fucking around too early.

Std-1

After the dick talk, Ellis and Kit talked about Ellis’ fatness/sadness/junkie cycle and how he is finally breaking out of it. He doesn’t want to train for a fight, he doesn’t need to cut weight and he doesn’t have as much stress on him as he had before. He just wants to eat healthy, learn some jiu-jitsu, punch people in the face and start to feel good. And if he wants to have a beer a couple of times a week? Fuck it! Fuck you! Judgmental bitch, get the fuck gone! He didn’t say that but I think it was implied. Some talk about Thailand and Thai fighters and the fake Thai fighting camps that are set up over there for white boys who want to go have a Thai fight. They have you come in for a couple of days and learn how to Thai fight, then they give you a real Thai fight against a withered used-to-be-a-Thai Fighter and you Thai fight him and win your Thai fight and you are now a Thai fighter.

Tie Fighter

Tie Fighter

Thai Fighter in the Tie Fighter

Thai Fighter in the Tie Fighter

 Up next HD;OA yff basd( ERROR: THE SIRIUSXM APP IS A GIANT HEAP OF MONKEY SHIT FLUNG AGAINST A WALL AND SET ON FIRE. PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELF)

Scott Greenstein, apparently.

Scott Greenstein, apparently.

Sooooo the next hour wasn’t heard by me, at least. I put out my feelers on twitter but all I got back was crickets so fuck that hour, fuck you, fuck Biff Tannen. When my app came back, I felt like I had barged in on some sad, depraved anonymous meeting where people were spilling their deepest, darkest secrets about abuse and neglect early in their childhood. Which of course could only mean one thing! GET. THE. COCK. OFF YOUR CHEST!!!!!!

Unfathomable sadness and guilt, bitches!

Unfathomable sadness and guilt, bitches!

 Here’s a round up of this week’s calls, which were pretty tame by the segment’s standards:

  • A guy peed in the spot water goes in a hotel ice machine
  • A dude with a gambling problem lost $14K. Today. But it’s ok because he can recover in like two months because he is single without kids. Call back when you are disfigured in a fire, guy.
  • A guy picked up a cougar at a bar, got back to her place and realized it was his friend’s mom. Couldn’t get it up after he saw that, so he’s a pussy.
  • A guy and his friends cut the cables to the only cell tower in his town and it toppled and smashed a building.
  • A 30 year old lady had never seen porn before and she got off while her husband was out of town watching internet porn. Fucking adorable.
  • A dude banged a chick, and her cat was sleeping on the bed. He is allergic to cats, so he sneezed which caused him to vomit on her and the cat. They then showered and banged again. Boom! tough actin tinactin.
  • Some lowly slut cheated on her husband who was overseas serving in the military.
  • One guy slept with his teacher in high school. (Who the fuck hasn’t?)
  • And of course our obligatory sexual abuse story: A guy was convinced by a neighbor boy when he was really young to give him a blowjob.
Just let that guilt go and run down your leg like...oh.

Just let that guilt go and run down your leg like…oh.

“In every man’s heart there is a devil, but we do not know the man as bad until the devil is roused.”

JAMES OLIVER CURWOOD, “The Case of Beauvais,” Back to God’s Country and Other Stories

 

And alas a great mystery was unfolded upon the airwaves today, good readers. As any regular reader of this site knows, we here at NYA have been outspoken about our suspicions the personal life of a one Will Pendarvis III. For those of you who are not familiar with WP3’s (Thanks Chucker) shady behavior: He won’t let anyone see where he lives “because he doesn’t want it to be a joke on the air”, he carries around a police scanner in his backpack, he carries a backpack, he never sleeps and has been known to follow women home, flashing his headlights at them and making them cry…for fun. Well today, TJES would finally get to the bottom of this foul, flatulent scum’s private life whether he liked it or not with a WGW: Why doesn’t Will want anyone to see where he lives? Right off the bat the phone lines sparked up with murderer, meth dealer, adult baby, gay roommate. All of which had solid arguments behind them, and I didn’t hear a single good argument against them coming from WP3. Is he an eccentric Millionaire? Does he collect Nazi paraphernalia? Does he have a replica studio in his house where he pretends to be the host and has two corpses to be Jason and Tully? Is he really just three midgets inside a fleshy robot machine? The answer may shock you….HERE IS THE TOP 10!

10. His house is filled with model trains and he has a special Conductor’s outfit and special Choo-Choo hat.

9. He runs a meth lab.

8. He still lives with his parents.

7. He lives with a 70 year old sugar mama as a “Kept man”

6. He lives across from Ellis and spies on him through a telescope every night.

5. It’s where he goes to smoke now.

4. He is a murderer and has tons of bodies underneath his house.

3. He is a hoarder and is hoarder tons of bodies underneath his house.

2. He lives his home life as an adult baby.

1. And the one we are all going to run with for the next several years and the one that Will simply could not even say “No” to: He still lives with his ex-wife who makes his life miserable and steps on his dignity every waking moment of his life!!!!!!

original

There you have it folks! WP3 is not a murderer, a secret Batman, a dog-napper or a pyromaniac setting LA on fire. No sir. And it makes perfect sense too. Kit, Jason and Tully all broke it down where Will is always in the neighborhood where she lives, she still owns his favorite car even through she has crashed two others. He never sleeps because she won’t allow it, and he constantly wants to kill himself. Sounds like we’ve cracked the case gentleman. Will isn’t dangerous, he’s just really, really sad. Unless…unless that’s what he wants us to think. What if he planted that caller, what if he went along with the conversation and let everyone think he lives with his ex wife so he could keep murdering….Mother of god…

Dickbutt

 

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

Show Re-cap for Friday 9/26/2014

3yu048099yuHoly fuck do I love doing Friday recaps. Listen to the show whenever the fuck I want, write this bullshit whenever I want, and most importantly of all: I can get as wasted as I want because I don’t have to go to work tomorrow. Woo! On that note, I’ve already finished my first beer at this point so this should be a gooder. Additionally, this was kind of cool because I haven’t been able to listen to the show in like a week because I got in a wreck a few weeks ago and my radio was fucked up. So I will be drunk as well as having no reference for current events.

Follow me!

Follow me!

Bit of a rocky start to the show. Just as Ellis began to speak, there was a fuzzy sound accompanying his voice, which he immediately pointed out and began throwing his verbal dick against faces. Now, normally when Ellis hears these sounds, the rest of us can’t hear it and just think he’s out of his mind and/or being a whiny little bitch. This time, however, everyone heard the noise and Ellis decided to take a break until it got fixed. Hey, so maybe he isn’t such a picky shit bird after all? Anyway, he came back and they talked for a while with the sound cutting in or out while the technicians worked on it. Eventually it fizzled out and we got on with the show, but the main takeaway here is that Ellis isn’t imagining sounds to yell at people, so that’s cool.

They talked about the UFC that’s happening right this very moment, so I don’t really feel like I need to talk about it at all. If you like the UFC, you are watching that shit or finding out about it later. The fact that beer number 3 just went down has nothing to do with this.

Ellis is doing Transcendental Meditation this weekend, presumably to fully become Sirius’ next Howard Stern. Tully has always wanted to have an out of body experience through meditation, which is funny because I’ve always wanted an In-Tully’s-Body experience. Ba dum psh. Oh, and Cumtard took a week off, he isn’t fired. I haven’t listened to the show lately, so apparently this was a thing people were worried about.

I forget why, but the guys decided to watch a Pro Wrestling video featuring The Undertaker vs. Jeff Hardy in a no holds barred Ladder Match. Ellis blasted how the Undertaker looks like a fat, rapey uncle, and how he would give a little extra jump into the steel steps when the 200 lb Hardy threw him into the steel steps. Tully pointed out the only times where they seemed to have real injuries were not when a ladder supposedly hit them in the face, but they accidentally bumped their ass on stuff. Again, I don’t know why they decided to watch this, but moral of the story: UFC has real hits to the face, WWE doesn’t and pearl jam wants their shirt back.

Ellis wants to develop a cigar/cognac habit because that’s an awesome idea for people who make money from their voice. But seriously, he wants to develop at least one distinguished, manly habit and that’s a pretty cool sounding one. A bunch of people called about cigar choices and I don’t remember a fuck load of any of it. Speaking of manly: Tully wept like a baby when Derek Jeter ended his final game at Yankee Stadium like every 10 year old in his back yard pretends he is doing by hitting a walk-off RBI to win the game. It was fucking inspirational as shit, and you are dead inside if you didn’t at least feel a twinge of goosebumps when you hear the story. Again, I’m trailing off here, but Tully is a giant pussy and we should mock him.

Have you ever thought about where Will lives? I try not to, but Jason point blank asked him why nobody has ever seen where he lives. And well, his answer was…..fucking creepy. He said he didn’t want anyone to see where he lives because he didn’t want anything coming up on the air, which begs the question: The fuck is there to make fun of about where he lives? Does he live in a whorehouse? Is it a shared communal space of people who make their own deodorant? Under a bridge? On top of a massive grave of women who have gone missing over the last several years? Once again, Will danced around the questions like Michael motherfucking Flatley and skated off the air without answering a god damn thing. I’d like to take a moment and apologize to @SharkChucker : He mostly glosses over these for the pictures, and I haven’t been doing that too much because I’m getting increasingly inebriated and googling pictures is hard. I’m gonna rectify this right meow.

titties-are-out

Machine_gun_cat

 

giphy

Pesci

ashlee1okhardcores-scene3yu048099yuboobsPoopyThanks for reading, Chucker. So a guy felt a little funny after eating some sushi, and went to the doctor and found out that much like your mom’s anus, he was riddled with tapeworms. Not SharkChuckers mom. Well, maybe. Moving on. Steve-O and Geoff Rowley are going to be on the show. Not today, but next week. So fuck off.

The OG Little Miss Ellis @mighty_boognish came on the show briefly. Although he didn’t say much, it was nice to hear a champion’s champion and see what he’s up to. He works for the people that make G-Pens and that is a hell of a way to do what you love and love what you do. Shout out to that dude, he fills out a grass skirt nicely.

Next up was You Sir, Are a Moron, and I think the guys forgot how to play? Or maybe whoever wrote the topics didn’t exactly know what they were doing and/or were too busy murdering unsuspecting co-eds to pay attention. Wow, that sentence makes me sound like an asshole, and I probably am but what I mean is this: The topics weren’t really polarizing, and came across as hypotheticals,  which makes for weak debates, broseph. Hilarious as fuck, it was, but a debate it was not. Here is a round-up, with my delightful commentary:

Would you give CPR to a dying homeless man?

Ellis: Yes, of course, everyone deserves to live.

Tully: No.

Me: Fuck that shit, one less dude I have to feel bad about not giving money to.

What’s more important: Safety or Freedom?

Ellis: Freedom to be safer? my notes make no sense.

Tully: Freedom, because people over exaggerate the threats on their safety all too often.

Me: Get away from me.

What’s the most awesome thing you’ve ever seen?

Ellis: Katie’s ass.

Tully: Katie’s ass.

Me: Katie hitting a sleeping man with a used tampon. Also, her ass.

Yup.

Yup.

If you could learn a new skill what would it be?

Ellis: Tax Evasion.

Tully: Speaking Japanese so his wife’s family doesn’t hate him.

Me: Writing recaps.

Anything you wished you had invented?

Ellis: The 900, but he probably would have died from all of the extra drugs and pussy after hitting said 900.

Tully: Vaginal Sex.

Me: Good fucking answer, Tully.

Point in life you Considered yourself an adult?

Ellis: No.

Tully: Having sunglasses that show his reflection and all of his gray hairs.

Me: Probably when I get my first real heart attack,

What would be the best part about being a woman?

Ellis: Fingering.

Tully: Vibrators.

Me: Slapping people in the face with bloody tampons.

Conspiracy most likely to be true?
Ellis: JFK

Tully: JFK

Me: Your mom’s kegel strength.

 

And that was that. The rest of the show (Like an hour) was kind of a WGW about who is the most fuckable old man in the world. Lot’s of weird suggestions and a lot of dumb suggestions, and the most offensive suggestion was that I gave two shits. So there you are, Fuck you, it’s Saturday, I’m gonna see if I’m too drunk to spank it to that bloody tampon thing.

Show Recap for Wednesday 9/10/2014

Good morning Vietnaaaaamm! Wait, no that isn’t it. BANGARANG! No, that’s not it either. Oh Captain my Captain? Nah. What I’m trying to get at here is Robin Williams is still dead. And I’m achy and annoyed at the SiriusXM app for putting me in time warp mode today, so I skipped around a lot and therefore, may not get it all. But hey, good for me because I am sore as fuck and I feel like a whiny little bitch tonight so the sooner I get this done, the sooner I go to bed. Let’s just hope I relay what I need to before the beer catches up with me and I throw you verbal middle fingers you can’t do anything about because it’s the internet. Whatcha gonna do fuckboy??? Huh?? Huh? Jesus, maybe it’s my period. Fuck it, let’s get on with it.

 

Last night, Ellis went to the Ultimate Fighter Season whateverthefuck premier event and hob knobbed it with a ton of famous people, but he wanted Tully to guess who, which is the worst fucking thing a person can do, but The King and Queen found a way to make it entertaining. Ellis said the big person he met was the Phil Collins of Basketball, to which Tully answered John Stockton and God damnit if he isn’t right. So Ellis had to  re-calibrate. Ok, so the Prince of basketball: Dennis Rodamn. Fuck, not him either, ok fuck it, Ellis met Gary “The Glove” Payton of legendary NBA fame. Gary Motherfucking Payton and Ellis talked for a while about how NBA just doesn’t have the same soul that it did when Gary Motherfucking Payton was playing. I have to agree, NBA sucks balls these days. Gary may even be coming on the show sometime so we have that to look forward to. You know who won’t be coming on the show anytime soon? Ronda Rousey. Ellis met her last night and he thinks he totally fucked it up. Justin Bua introduced them and for some reason the first thing Ellis said was “You should come on my show” which Ronda probably hears a thousand times a day and probably put Ellis in the same category as all of those people. She was cool about it and said “Talk to my publicist” but Ellis didn’t get a good vibe off it and thinks he fucked it up. This spawned a conversation about when celebrities get to the pinnacle of their careers and create an aura about them whenever they get in a room and everyone wants a piece. Sort of like when your mom drops her panties at a gangbang. Except your mom is hideous. Oh fuck it, I’m tired, you shut up.

Tully saw Guardians of the Galaxy and thinks you should too. Also, Hollywood has booked up the next six years with superhero movies and are beating the dead horse like it’s a mouthy NFL wife.

A caller asked Tully if he ever feels guilty about seeing titties and stuff at work, being a happily married man and all. Tully says no, his wife is pretty cool and understanding about his job, and she trusts him because when the fuck could Tully ever do anything wrong anyway? The dude is (Now at least) the most eligible bachelor ever. He could be shitting on a girls neck and just about anyone would believe his totally reasonable explanation.

Digiorno pizza had a pretty funny Twitter snafoo. The hashtage #WhyIStayed was trending, in relation to Ray Rice’s wife staying with him even though he knocked her the fuck out. And Digiorno tweeted “Because they had pizza #WhyIStayed” and they caught a bunch of shit. They obviously didn’t understand what the hashtag meant, and spent the good part of yesterday apologizing to people who told them it was inappropriate on Twitter.

Jesse Ventura is a twat. Remember Ellis was on his podcast? We got to hear a snippet of the conversation, and Jesse was looking for an argument when he asked if Ellis thought MMA fighters were tougher than Pro Wrestlers. Ellis dogged on him pretty good about their fake pretend time fight stuff. I’d say go listen to the rest of the podcast, but don’t give that tool any more reasons to keep talking. The guys broke down the Chris Kyle situation, which if you don’t know: Chris Kyle alleged in his book that he punched Ventura because he said Navy SEALS deserve to lose a few men because of the people they killed in Iraq. So Ventura is suing Chris Kyle, but then Kyle dies, and Ventura continued the lawsuit and sued his widow. Real class act, you see? A caller tried making the argument that Jesse just wanted his name cleared, but if that were he case, he wouldn’t be trying to get $1.4 Million from a widow, and he would just try to get the stuff in the book changed. But hey, like I said, he’s a twat who should just hang himself already.

Christian showed up and they talked the cricket game they are having in New York in October. Christian is now going to be heading up a team opposing Ellis and then they said a bunch of other words about Cricket I didn’t understand.

And here we arrive at the shitty SiriusXM app. The guys started playing one of those games where you go around the room where one person says a word, the next person says another, and everyone makes a funny sentence and we all laugh. All I heard was something about Ass Titties and Children. So that’s all I have for you. I’m gonna go crawl into a beer and hope this fever sweats itself out. Fuck off.