It’s the Birthday show Ya’ll! Oh Jesus Christ, I just typed that. Oh well fuck it, I’m not an edit posts kind of guy. You can all just step into my stream of consciousness and bask in mental excrement. And you’ll like it! You sick, dirty little fuck you WANT my excrement (Extra-Mint, in Ellis language check out the Ellis-English Dictionary) all over your mind’s chest. Ok, that’s all I have for shit metaphors for the time being. As I said, it’s Jason Ellis’ birthday today, today being 10/11, but Friday was the on air celebration of our beloved radio warlord. A lot of people (Will) put in a lot of work to make this a special day for Jason (Will saw an opportunity to win Jason’s affection) and many friends of the show stopped by and/or made baked goods to pay tribute to Young Wing. First off, a piece of production from what had to be the Jingleberries (Please make more songs, guys. We all miss your work dearly.) that bitPimps provided.
Right off the bat there was a flurry of birthday gifts. Tully got Ellis some cigars to help get him started on his new go-around as a cigar smoker. Hot Dog got him some weird oversized old lady card that said ‘Happy Birthday, Jason’ but might as well have said ‘Fuck you, you piece of trash.’ Hot Dog apologized and hinted that there were more gifts coming. The first celebrity to chime in on the phones was Joanna Angel, who is currently in Germany looking in dee hoooollle. Her show on Sirius is going well, she recounted a story about a caller who said his mom was really good at barbecuing and she was also really hot. So naturally, he wanted to know what Joanna would do to his mother sexually. Joanna hung up on the guy, but really what she should have done is told him to call 1-855-ELLIS-41 because he probably would have gotten the VIP line. Just about the time Joanna hung up, Will (presumably sweating from his neediness to be accepted) wheeled in a giant cake shaped like
a middle finger a cock with 3 balls, no wait it actually was a middle finger. Middle finger of a dwarf if you ask me.
SPEAKING OF DWARFS: A little person and his normal sized fiancé went into a restaurant for lunch or dinner, and sat down and did not find it nearly as funny as I did when the waitress brought him menus and a cup of crayons. I think you’ve got to just lean into that one, Tyrion. Color all over the table, knock your water over and ask for a sippy cup, shit your pants maybe. But, hey, the dude is like 3 feet tall banging the equivalent of an Amazon woman to him, his life isn’t bad enough to get pissed at some crayons. SPEAKING OF GETTING PISSED OVER LITTLE SHIT(See what I did there?): Tully went to dinner with his wife and some friends and ordered himself a patty melt, otherwise known as the best way to eat like a child and order like an adult. As part of the child-like experience of ordering a grilled cheese with a burger goes, Tully likes his Patty Melts cut. So when they set down an uncut (And therefore unclean) patty melt before him, Tully politely asked if the waiter could take the sandwich BACK FROM WHENCE IT CAME AND BRING IT BACK WHEN YOU’VE DONE IT RIGHT! Not really, he just asked them to cut it for him. Almost immediately the waiter was like “Sorry sir, I can’t do that. The Chef is really particular about it..” blah blah blah and Tully was like, “Are you joking me…” blah blah blah. Long story short:
Tully raped an innocent waiter. asked for a knife so he could cut his own patty melt. Whew, glad we cut our way through that Godfather-esque storyline in a timely fashion. These things get wordy. It sounds like the Chef/owner was one of those super cunty dudes who won’t serve things a certain way because they think it makes their restaurant more high end than it really is, and Tully had to cut his own sandwich. The big takeaway from all of this was a new idea for a 1-hour show where Tully goes on and argues/admonishes people he deals with in the service industry. Just the other day he had to fire his gardener, right there could have been an hour of Tully yelling at a Mexican radio gold!
Get your tickets to Tour de Horse for Sat. Oct. 25th at the Gramercy Theater in New York here. They also mentioned a contest where you could win tickets but I never saw it. In addition to the show there will be Cricket and live fights for Ellismania 9.5.
Before the first in-house guests came in, the guys solicited you, the listener, for your best mash-ups of horrible farts and loud orgasms. I can’t really put into words what happened to the show for the next five minutes, but just try and imagine your worst beer and bratwurst hangover morning fart on a loop while yer mum makes those “Fun wrestling” sounds she always makes when her “Friends” come over.
Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood appeared for the birthday show! Homo-erotic tensions began to peak and the interview was off! First, Dr. Drew is totally cool with you using marijuana as long as you do it legally. They talked about how to deal with your kid doing drugs when they get to that age and what you should tell them. And of course they talked about the school girl crush Drew has on Ellis and how much jealous rage it fills Catherwood with. The dudes hung out, they talked, it was good fun. Then the mega guest arrived.
Slash arrived to wish Ellis a happy birthday and holy mother of fuck Slash is busy. Tully kept asking him about gigs he has done and things he is going to be doing and the guy is so fucking non-stop all the time he couldn’t remember which of the dozens of things Tully was talking about. Which of course makes it all the more cool that he stopped in to see Ellis. Follow him on Twitter to attempt to keep up with all of his goings on. There really isn’t a whole lot to recap here, the guys just caught up with each other, recounted some times they saw one another at supercross and how Ellis introduced him to Skin and Asphyxia. Slash had to go, then he stayed longer, and then Katie showed up just in time to start talking more shit. Like, the subject of shit, Katie wasn’t trash talking Slash. A battle rapper whose name I didn’t recognize and therefore didn’t write down lost his rap and much like my 2 year old, took a shit in front of everyone because he lost. Katie brought up a time that someone at a pizza parlor was rude to her (Maybe they didn’t cut her pizza correctly?) and someone she was with took a giant dump in the restaurant on her behalf. She said it wasn’t a full on log, but she still stared at the dude behind the counter like “Yep, that’s what you get.” Stepping on flaming bags of shit (Literal bags of shit on fire, not Perez Hilton) seems like a bad time. Even worse may be the act of putting shit into a bag and igniting it in front of someone’s house. Slash is pretty game with poop talk and he was giggling along like a 12 year old with the rest of us which speaks to how down to earth that dude is. Speaking of Dudes. Juder McDuder came in to wish Ellis a happy birthday, and dropped that Jude and Dingo will be doing a 1 hour show together on Thursday next week, which should be fucking great.
Slash is still here, and Hotdog came back in the studio with some ACTUAL EFFORT THIS TIME. He brought Ellis a card he made with his own two hands, featuring a picture of Ellis with wings playing guitar, and gave him some more cigars. Will came in (Obviously seeing that Hotdog was getting some good grace and wanted to piggy back his way in) and read off a special card to Ellis that called him old and gay and of course this had to be from Thomas Hayden Church. Oh yeah! And one of the highlights of the day was Dingo getting Kelly Osbourne herself to bake Jason a cake herself.
And finally, in another one of those moments I can hardly describe through printed words, Hotdog came into the studio to have voice altermacation sex with Katie. Somehow, some way, Hotdog got really good at pretending to have awful sex mixed with horrible flatulence. It truly was something that is completely worth listening to on demand. If you listen to nothing else this week, make it the last 10 minutes of this show because I was absolutely rolling.
90% of you didn’t make it to the end of this recap. To the 10%, you have the patience of a fucking saint.
Happy Birthday Jason, we all love and appreciate everything you do, even if a lot of the time we say we hate you and don’t like anything you do. So from all of us here at No You Are: