“Contrary to what you may assume, I am not a pessimist but an indifferentist- that is, I don’t make the mistake of thinking that the… cosmos… gives a damn one way or the the other about the especial wants and ultimate welfare of mosquitoes, rats, lice, dogs, men, horses, pterodactyls, trees, fungi, dodos, or other forms of biological energy.”
― H.P. Lovecraft
God gives you nothing. This is important to remember, so as to not become an asshole. Or something like that. Today was one of those days where I didn’t pay a whole lot of attention to what was said in the beginning because it didn’t sound a whole lot like anything I should cover. Kit Cope is in studio to help guide Ellis on a trip down STD memory lane. Ellis recalled the two STD’s he got from your mom after he got divorced. He didn’t even bang the slag, she just put her mouth on it and gave him one of the ones you can get rid of. Which of course means she had a diseased dick in her mouth reallllly fucking recently. It’s all good now though, Jason’s dick is doing great presumably after a few good cocktails (pun fully intended). Jason should probably do a “Scared Straight: STD edition for kids” where he goes around describing in great detail the things his dick has been through to pre-teens and keep them from fucking around too early.
After the dick talk, Ellis and Kit talked about Ellis’ fatness/sadness/junkie cycle and how he is finally breaking out of it. He doesn’t want to train for a fight, he doesn’t need to cut weight and he doesn’t have as much stress on him as he had before. He just wants to eat healthy, learn some jiu-jitsu, punch people in the face and start to feel good. And if he wants to have a beer a couple of times a week? Fuck it! Fuck you! Judgmental bitch, get the fuck gone! He didn’t say that but I think it was implied. Some talk about Thailand and Thai fighters and the fake Thai fighting camps that are set up over there for white boys who want to go have a Thai fight. They have you come in for a couple of days and learn how to Thai fight, then they give you a real Thai fight against a withered used-to-be-a-Thai Fighter and you Thai fight him and win your Thai fight and you are now a Thai fighter.
Up next HD;OA yff basd( ERROR: THE SIRIUSXM APP IS A GIANT HEAP OF MONKEY SHIT FLUNG AGAINST A WALL AND SET ON FIRE. PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELF)
Sooooo the next hour wasn’t heard by me, at least. I put out my feelers on twitter but all I got back was crickets so fuck that hour, fuck you, fuck Biff Tannen. When my app came back, I felt like I had barged in on some sad, depraved anonymous meeting where people were spilling their deepest, darkest secrets about abuse and neglect early in their childhood. Which of course could only mean one thing! GET. THE. COCK. OFF YOUR CHEST!!!!!!
Here’s a round up of this week’s calls, which were pretty tame by the segment’s standards:
- A guy peed in the spot water goes in a hotel ice machine
- A dude with a gambling problem lost $14K. Today. But it’s ok because he can recover in like two months because he is single without kids. Call back when you are disfigured in a fire, guy.
- A guy picked up a cougar at a bar, got back to her place and realized it was his friend’s mom. Couldn’t get it up after he saw that, so he’s a pussy.
- A guy and his friends cut the cables to the only cell tower in his town and it toppled and smashed a building.
- A 30 year old lady had never seen porn before and she got off while her husband was out of town watching internet porn. Fucking adorable.
- A dude banged a chick, and her cat was sleeping on the bed. He is allergic to cats, so he sneezed which caused him to vomit on her and the cat. They then showered and banged again. Boom! tough actin tinactin.
- Some lowly slut cheated on her husband who was overseas serving in the military.
- One guy slept with his teacher in high school. (Who the fuck hasn’t?)
- And of course our obligatory sexual abuse story: A guy was convinced by a neighbor boy when he was really young to give him a blowjob.
“In every man’s heart there is a devil, but we do not know the man as bad until the devil is roused.”
JAMES OLIVER CURWOOD, “The Case of Beauvais,” Back to God’s Country and Other Stories
And alas a great mystery was unfolded upon the airwaves today, good readers. As any regular reader of this site knows, we here at NYA have been outspoken about our suspicions the personal life of a one Will Pendarvis III. For those of you who are not familiar with WP3’s (Thanks Chucker) shady behavior: He won’t let anyone see where he lives “because he doesn’t want it to be a joke on the air”, he carries around a police scanner in his backpack, he carries a backpack, he never sleeps and has been known to follow women home, flashing his headlights at them and making them cry…for fun. Well today, TJES would finally get to the bottom of this foul, flatulent scum’s private life whether he liked it or not with a WGW: Why doesn’t Will want anyone to see where he lives? Right off the bat the phone lines sparked up with murderer, meth dealer, adult baby, gay roommate. All of which had solid arguments behind them, and I didn’t hear a single good argument against them coming from WP3. Is he an eccentric Millionaire? Does he collect Nazi paraphernalia? Does he have a replica studio in his house where he pretends to be the host and has two corpses to be Jason and Tully? Is he really just three midgets inside a fleshy robot machine? The answer may shock you….HERE IS THE TOP 10!
10. His house is filled with model trains and he has a special Conductor’s outfit and special Choo-Choo hat.
9. He runs a meth lab.
8. He still lives with his parents.
7. He lives with a 70 year old sugar mama as a “Kept man”
6. He lives across from Ellis and spies on him through a telescope every night.
5. It’s where he goes to smoke now.
4. He is a murderer and has tons of bodies underneath his house.
3. He is a hoarder and is hoarder tons of bodies underneath his house.
2. He lives his home life as an adult baby.
1. And the one we are all going to run with for the next several years and the one that Will simply could not even say “No” to: He still lives with his ex-wife who makes his life miserable and steps on his dignity every waking moment of his life!!!!!!
There you have it folks! WP3 is not a murderer, a secret Batman, a dog-napper or a pyromaniac setting LA on fire. No sir. And it makes perfect sense too. Kit, Jason and Tully all broke it down where Will is always in the neighborhood where she lives, she still owns his favorite car even through she has crashed two others. He never sleeps because she won’t allow it, and he constantly wants to kill himself. Sounds like we’ve cracked the case gentleman. Will isn’t dangerous, he’s just really, really sad. Unless…unless that’s what he wants us to think. What if he planted that caller, what if he went along with the conversation and let everyone think he lives with his ex wife so he could keep murdering….Mother of god…