Welcome to Wednesday bitches, NYA coming at you live. We are inside your mind, and we are fucking it. Today’s show was brought to you by human anatomy, a lot of time spent on testicles, vaginas, extra nipples and buttholes. Mark Wahlberg apparently has a third nipple, which could be a mole, but might be a nipple. It’s cool though because he says he would never get rid of it because it’s his favorite and he loves that nip.

I named them Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

Ellis started ranting about how stupid American Idol is and how everyone on there isn’t a real musician and just wants an easy road to fame. I tend to agree there, considering I can only name two people who have ever won that contest. You really gotta get heavy into drugs and make some grungy shit if you wanna make it big in my opinion. Speaking of shit music, Ellis played some bit that Jimmy Kimmel did the other day where they went around interviewing people at Coachella. The bit being that they asked people about made up bands and everyone acted like they knew who they were, and it’s funny because hipsters love to know about bands that you don’t to seem cool. Tully sort of sniffed the rat out though, and speculated that the video sort of looked like they asked people about real bands, filmed their answers and then dubbed over her original questions to make the video funny. Kind of like the time somebody dubbed a bunch of racist shit in Stephen Hawking’s voice and made him sound like a on old slave master. Tully started slamming Portugal for basically being the little bastard of Europe that it really is.  Basically, any country that colonizes on another continent, and then the country you colonized becomes better than your original country, you suck ass. Looking at you, United Kingdom. Tully retracted his entire argument when Rawdog found that Nuno Bettencourt ( Awesome guitar player from Extreme that Tully gets wet for) is in fact, Portugese.

COCK NEWS: A chinese woman squeezed a man’s balls so hard that he went into shock and died. If you thought you had heard this story before, it’s because you have, and the show reported it a year ago when it happened. Rawdog just misread the story and saw that the woman’s trial is starting today. Someone who drives the Mars Rover for NASA got bored and decided to draw a big cock and balls on Mars, so shout out to that American Hero. The callers really took cock news and ran with it today, calling in with stories about getting their balls bitten by everything from dogs to babies. Also how you can measure your balls, or tits or cock by just standing on a scale, and then standing on it again, but this time have someone hold your balls up and calculate the difference. Rawdog, with his new found fondness of sharing way too much, revealed his balls are about the size of Silly Putty eggs. A caller said he once saw his grandpa’s balls. Balls, balls, balls ladies and gentleman. Nothing but balls.

I like to paint my balls to look like beach balls and have them bounced around at concerts.

There was a bit of conversation about the philosophy in Fight Club. No, not the one where you beat the shit out of Jared Leto, although I endorse that fully. The part where you give up your possessions and how that can be freeing. Tully says he loves his shit and wouldn’t give it up. Rawdog said he likes the idea of giving up your shit. Ellis says he wants to bang a cancer patient who just wants to loan out her vagina a few more times before she kicks it. Back to anatomy: Some dude got a spear in his face and just walked that shit off. A guy had his ear bitten off and then whisked away to Chicago. The guys inspected the video of Will’s vagina getting torn up on Ellismania.com . Also highlighted in the video is how good Rawdog is at missing layups. Anyway, to kind of round out some time

HOLLYWOOD NEWS:

People magazine decided to insult everyone in America and name Gwyneth Paltrow as America’s #1 most beautiful woman. Which, to me, says everyone go see Iron Man 3 this summer, thank the movie studio for throwing enough money at People mag to put Coldplay’s top groupie on the top of the list. Lauryn Hill decided that white people can listen to her music again, because she has to pay a bunch of fines for tax evasion or some shit. Kim Kardashian is in the part of her pregnancy scheme where she pretends she is super unhappy about how fat she is getting and tells people to tell the media she is concerned her weight won’t come off after. Once she squeezes out what might be Kanye’s baby she’ll make a bunch of money off of Weight Watchers like Jessica Simpson did. And then she will drop too much weight too fast and go into cardiac arrest and die and we can look forward to her $30 million funeral. One of the guys from Ace of Base is a Nazi now. Hugh Jackman didn’t know he was gonna have a close-up in Les Miserable, so he got Tony Robbins to pump him up with that huge face confidence.

Josh brought in a game where he sped up some song clips, and it didn’t really go over well. Ellis hated it, but said the next time they do it the clips need to be longer. So they made Dom come in to present his latest audio of him walking around Hollywood asking questions. Then they kicked his ass out of the studio and made him call to present this game as “The Drifter” instead, much better. Basically, Dom interviewed chicks and asked them a series of questions and then the guys had to guess how many people they had slept with. Overall the game consisted of Dom asking 18 year old girls how many people they have slept with in his creepy Drifter voice. The whole thing could have been 10x better if he had of been arrested and beaten by unruly pedestrians instead. Ellis didn’t believe Dom used the Drifter voice to all these girls and accused him of pulling a Kimmel and dubbing over it with the voice afterwards. Probably isn’t true because I heard a couple of the girls laughing and one even said he was creepy. That may not be real evidence, because Dom looks like every extra in Dances With Wolves and who knows if he was strapped with his paintball gun.

RIP Lil’ Bane. Fun while it lasted.

Final calls happened. It really was a thing. Nothing notable though. So here I am, rounding out this re-cap with a whole lot of nothing. This one is on you, shitheads. I gotta listen to the show and take notes, and I’m certainly not going to re-cap every dick weed who calls in to make some stupid joke. Like that guy who had the story about how he saw Rawdog at the porn shop and got Rawdog to blow them through a glory hole. Way to go, that guy. It was probably hilarious when you thought of it, I’m sure. I bash on the morons who call the show a lot, but I can honestly say that without morons, who would we make fun of? You are like how when shit decomposes into the soil and becomes fuel for things more useful like plants and trees. So I guess keep calling the show then, it’s you pieces of composted shit all condensed together that really keeps this world afloat.

Congratulations, you’ve learned how to click a link leading you to a web page . Must be feeling pretty God damned good about yourself now, eh? It’s Wednesday on The Jason Ellis Show, just like it is for the rest of the world, except maybe for some Indian tribes who are still holding on to it being Bear Star or some shit. Either way, we have a lot of radio that can be jammed down into very few words today. It is a very special Wednesday, as it is Katie’s (@Underwearwolf) Birthday, clocking in at the big ol’ 30.

Happy Birthday, you old woman.

Ellis’ therapist is awesome, and is getting him amped to do all sorts of new stuff with his kids and his little makeshift family he has going on. Ellis is getting way better at reading, and was reading books with his daughter. What surprised him was he could actually read all of the words in front of him and he was stoked on that. I have been operating under the assumption that he would never have the ability to read these, so now I’ve got to hope he never feels the need to click on this shit and lambaste(read that fucker) me for anything I’ve said.

Language is a fucked up thing. Right now, you are reading this and understanding the language I’m writing this. But some dude from Japan who stumbled on this site looking for giant snail porn is confused as all fuck (I’ll explain the snail later). The guys talked about different languages and what they learned in their lives. Josh wanted to learn spanish instead of hebrew, because he is such a Hollywood Jew. Tully learned French so he could smash box. Josh also had to go to traffic court again, and the most challenging thing for him seemed to be the elevator. Rawdog was driving with an expired registration, but the really great thing about his trip was the conspiracy theories he heard were gems. Somebody was blabbing on about how everyone who was in line was either black or Latinos and there weren’t any white people there and the man is keeping them down Wahhh wahh bullshit. Never mind the fact that the whitest man in the world was in earshot of them.

The guys brain stormed on a possible future event where they would try out different sports as a competition, possibly with fans or celebrities. Things like 2-on-2 basketball, hacky sack, cricket and other made up sports. Seems like it would be a good side show for an Ellismania or a mini-Ellismania. Looking forward to that happening one day.

Your Mom’s taking the “All Natural” douching a little too far.

Today was a really special Wednesday because it was the return of World’s Greatest Wednesday! Ahh, I could almost hear the boners popping up through twitter as the words came out of Jason’s mouth. Today’s journey continued on yesterday’s conversations about giant African snails, and we strove to find out what is the World’s Greatest Way to Humiliate A Snail. If ever there were a topic to really bring out the nature of Ellisfam, apparently it is how to torture and humiliate armored slugs. Seriously, after today’s show I am pretty damn sure we have some serial killers listening to the show. The winners will be revealed on tomorrows show, but some of the highlights I can remember were:

• Plastering Offspring stickers on the shells
• Making them drunk drive
• Dunking over them and posterizing them
• Tie helium balloons to them and float them in the air
• Make a Snail Messiah, betray him and crucify him.
• Super Soaker filled with salt water

Fuck, there were a lot more than that. About 21 total I think. Probably should have wrote them down… I could always look through twitter and see some of the suggestions on there…

Adam Carolla was on the show today. They talked about radio and comedy, and how stand-up is more like being a magician instead of a warlock. You can pull off the tricks, but you don’t possess any real magic, because you plan it all out ahead of time. Carolla has trained in boxing a lot in his life and can throw down when need be. He told some stories about a time on Spring Break when he was drunk and wandering through other people’s beach houses. He wandered into one, looking for a beer, you know and the phone rang. Well, he picked it up and the dude on the other end got all pissy because he was calling a chick and said he was coming over to kick his ass. Adam Carolla is no pussy, so he said “Alright, I’ll be here.” So the guys came over, and they went outside and Carolla KO’d both of them. Red Dragons. And then another time, where some chick he was trying to get away from was talking shit and saying he hit her, so these 5 dudes all threatened to kick his ass. He said, alright, but he’ll only fight one of them. When he kicked that dude’s ass, he got smacked in the back of the knee with a baseball bat and had a bottle broken over his shoulder. The other four guys (at this point, we can just refer to them as pussies) jumped him and eventually overwhelmed him and beat him up, but not too bad, because as I mentioned, they were pussies. The baseball bat guy especially, because he was trying to take out Carolla’s bum knee he had just had surgery on. Anyway, some time passes and a friend of Carolla’s started knocking on his door when he was trying to finger blast a girl. Carolla answers the door, and his friend had the baseball bat pussy in a headlock, presenting him to Carolla. Carolla spared the man, though and apparently he flies planes now or some shit.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS: Rick Ross got dumped by Reebok for some line he had in one of his probably awful songs about date raping a chick. Serves him right. Russel Brand tried getting Tom Cruise for Scientology, but Cruise didn’t take the bait. Justing Bieber sl;dgpwouengewifvnsl;ivjsdmvegfvksjvemsc. Donald Trumps wife moisturizes their 7-year-old son with caviar moisturizer every night, and that kid needs to move out immediately if he wants to be saved. He needs to ditch his life and become a slum dog as soon as possible so that he can retain some sort of credibility for the rest of his life. Seriously, just live in the tunnels underneath New York and rise back up as a bad ass one man tin-drum band. I’d buy that dude’s record. Paul Hogan is filing a report to get 34 million dollars that was stolen from him by his financial advisor. With that 34 million I imagine he is going to buy the biggest barby you could throw an insane amount of shrimp on. Or he could buy a knife so large that you would never be able to doubt that it indeed, was a knife.

Dom had a new game today, and it was pretty fucking great to listen to. It took a bit of tweaking, but I’ll get to that. The basic rules of the game were to play a small audio clip of a Metallica song and the guys had to guess what James Hetfield was saying. What the guys were actually able to hear and attempt to translate was pretty fucking funny, and I never realized how inaudible some of Hetfield’s lyrics were. Things took a turn for Lil’ Bane when he put a clip on the CD that actually was not Metallica. I don’t know how new some of you are to the show, but you DO NOT fuck up something on Jason’s show when it comes to Metallica, because he is a massive fucking Metallica fan. So, bring on the shock collar! This is where the segment got fucking hysterical, because Dom’s reaction to getting shocked is possibly the greatest sound your radio can make. He flops all over, screams and slams into the wall all while staying in character as Lil’ Bane and saying “Mon.” I just want to pause a second and say how happy Dom’s Lil’ Bane character makes me. He never needs to be reminded to stay in character and while it seemed so lame at first, it is unexpectedly one of the funniest things I have heard on the show, ever. People can hate on the dude all they want, but the dude has drive, puts out a shit ton of effort and books guests like crazy.

Final calls was only about 15 minutes, but Tully pondered if it would be OK if he got a “Brown Pride” tattoo because even though he isn’t Messican, he is really proud of them and how far they have come. Mexicans really are proud of their shitty cars, and Ellis wants to live more like a Mexican because they seem happier with things that are shitty. I can just see the hydraulics on the THC Porsche now.

There has been a lot of snail talk lately on the show, and on this re-cap. I remember one time when I met a snail while I was walking up my driveway, I picked him up and tossed him over the fence into the backyard. The next day, I came home and found that the snail was still dead in the backyard because that is a dumb fucking joke and so is this one. Screw you, I’m tired asshole. You expected a snail trail joke about your mom? You’d like that wouldn’t you? Well everyone knows your mom leaves a snail trail wherever she goes. Every now and again she slimes her fat ass past enough dirt and dog shit and the friction rolls it all together and it festers and eventually the bacteria molds and grows enough to crawl away and start it’s own life and here you are reading this.

Hola bitcholas! Welcome to another Wednesday re-cap. Today was one of those special kind of days on the Jason Ellis Show. I can’t quite put my finger on what was so great about it exactly, but if I thought hard enough I’d probably be able to come up with something. Oh right! Josh mentioned early in the show he woke up with a little bit of a sore throat, and he might be getting sick. So Jason and Tully said “goodbye” and made his diseased ass leave before he got everyone else sick. Thems the rules, dog. Rule of thumb should be: don’t be a dumbass.

A lot of business talk to start off the Dog-less show. Ellis explained a little more (without naming names) about how he has been cutting back his spending and people who work for him that do pretty meaningless shit. Basically he doesn’t need the guy that finds the guy that can do something Ellis wants to put together because that gets spendy and he wants to be more in charge of his funds and whatnot. This spiraled into talk of how some big stars get a business manager that is a friend or a relative and end up getting ripped off for millions. In the end, it’s worth your time and money to have anyone who is handling your money’s work checked every now and then to make sure you don’t get ripped off. To be clear here, Ellis hasn’t been ripped off or anything, he is just trying to scale back a bit on his lifestyle and the shit he doesn’t need. But, if you wouldn’t mind, go sign up to Ellismania.com and give the Wing some cash motherfucker.

Ellis brought up a caller from yesterday that went on craigslist to have a little bit of harmless gay sex, but when he showed up at the other dude’s house the cops were there busting him for meth. Basically, the guy had to fess up to wanting to have a little gay sex and wasn’t involved in the meth. I like to think he said something like: “Hey man, I don’t want any meth, I’m just here for the cornholing.” Oh, you don’t remember that call? Neither did Tully. When they asked Will about it, they found out he wasn’t even listening to what they were talking about, and neither was Dom. Finally they figured out it wasn’t even from the show, it was from Loveline, that Ellis was on last night and didn’t get home until 2AM because he got lost downtown in the Porsche that was overheating and almost out of gas. Pro tip: Don’t ever run out of gas in your Porsche in downtown Hollywood. Ellis said he was getting more comfortable being on other people’s shows and didn’t feel like he had to be as over-the-top as he was when he was first starting out. Perfect example of Ellis being over-the-top was the time he had a phoner on O&A when Jim Jefferies was on. If you don’t know, Ellis called in to O&A on a day Jefferies was on and Ellis was being that over-the-top, loud guy talking over everyone trying to be as funny as possible, and Jim Jefferies called him out on it after Jason hung up. This made a very small little riff between the two and it never really amounted to anything, but still there was some bad blood between the two. Personally, I was a little bummed when I heard the whole chain of events because I think both Jason and Jim are fucking hysterical. Ellis said he couldn’t even remember what Jim said about him anymore and he was over it, essentially.

Poor, stupid Dom. He needs to get broken of some of his terrestrial radio tendencies. He keeps bringing ideas in that are tired old gimmicks from shit radio and he needs to have it tortured out of him. He is learning though, and I’d imagine warming up to the TJES ways would take time for anyone coming from terrestrial. In any case, the guys developed an idea where they have 6 envelopes, each containing a different sort of punishment for when someone on the show fucks up really bad. Some of the winning suggestions from callers and Twitter were: Having to wear really long press on nails for the day, sucking Will’s toe for 60 seconds, running into Shade45 and yelling an N-Bomb with a hard “er” into the mic, being the Swinghouse bathroom attendant and having paintballs shot at their bare ass. During this segment, we got to know a little more about Dom including: He has never licked a girl’s ass, he has dreadlocks coming out of his B-hole because he has never trimmed down there and he never shuts up about icy hot.

Hollywood News: Matt Damon looks like a cancer patient when he is bald, Carson Daly is moving up into Jimmy Fallon’s late night spot because he is the only other choice but Alec Baldwin may be in the running for one of those spots, which could be cool. Alan Thicke’s mother-in-law is being accused of arranging the brutal murder of her husband, Lindsay Lohan blah blah coke whore rehab blah, and Will Pendarvis took pictures of Tom Cruise’s space ship from his movie. Short and sweet Hollywood News today with nobody getting blasted for bringing up a stupid story where nobody did anything. (Thanks for getting AIDS, Rawdog)

Google Auto-complete game! You remember this game, where they type in a short phrase and everyone has to guess what the top 3-4 Google autocomplete responses are. Today’s contestants were Ellis, Tully and a pretty sweet dude named Ron who works building subway tunnels in NYC, and will probably die long before it is ever completed in 2060. I’ll keep this quick:

Is it healthy to eat my…..1)Boogers 2)Period (Why waste a good period?) 3)Scabs

I’m Pregnant and…1)I know it 2)Can’t Poop 3)Sick

Canada is…1)Better than US (HA!) 2)America’s Hat 3)a Country (Barely)

Is it a sin to…1) Be gay 2)Drink 3)Kill bugs 4)smoke weed

I just Slept with…1)My Ex Husband 2)My best friend 3)My Ex wife 4) My son(Seriously shouldn’t this basically just automatically detonate your monitor into your skull?)

Holy shit this game went on forever….1) I don’t want to type the rest of these out 2) I won’t type the rest of these out. 3) Fuck you and the PigRat that birthed you.

Montana finally legalized gay sex you guys! WOO! That reminds me, Jason rammed his bare head into Dom’s sack for some reason I never fully understood but didn’t question. Ellis said he didn’t feel any junk hit his head and suspect Dom was cheating and tucked it back so he wouldn’t get hurt. I think he has a much more dastardly secret than that. Someone needs to yank this dude’s pants down and see what sort of shady shenanigans is going on in his crotch region. Dude may be a Cylon.

Final calls weren’t much of a thing. Mostly, Ellis and Tully announced that Ellis’ new book will be advice from Ellis himself and I just said Ellis 4 times in one sentence. Basically, he is going to put together a guide for people on how to live, how to dress, take care of your body, deal with family issues etc. Should be a pretty sweet book since he has some pretty unique takes on things whether you agree or not.

That’s about it really. Damn, the show goes by so much smoother without that little bastard stuttering nervously through a response to a simple question. But in the end, the show probably wouldn’t be as much fun without our little Jewish punching bag, and so for that I hope he gets better so we can all thrash him live on the radio again. Not unlike how I buy neosporin for your mom’s ass so I can go back and tear it open again!

Hola, bitchola, welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of the Jason Ellis Show. I’d like to say I’m going to be gentle, but I’ll be honest, I’m gonna jam it in before you’re ready and tear some seams.

Step into my fucking lair!

The boys have a new bell in the studio for anyone to ring whenever a really bad joke is told, so Rawdog is probably going to have the thing hanging around his neck before the end of the week. Tully didn’t want to do “Women, Am I Right?” two days in a row, but damn ladies, you really forced his hand. Some fat white chick had a near-death experience and claimed to smell God. My guess is it was the Taco Bell XXL grilled stuffed burrito she had tucked in her cleavage for safe keeping, but who’s to say that’s not what God smells like. This made Ellis think he should have his own near death experience so that he could see/smell God and figure out what the big deal is. In other news, a 20-year-old woman posted an ad on Craigslist seeking someone to abuse and/or maim her. She eventually found a taker, and the guy beat her up like she wanted. Afterwards, she called the cops and said she had been beaten and raped by a guy. The fuck right? In any case, the cops figured out she was full of shit and just wanted the story so people would feel bad for her.

Is the world losing it’s long standing traditions and culture? It feels like as the world becomes more globally connected through internet and air travel, we are all starting to meld into one single culture. Gone will be the days of secret Asian remedies, and in with Ecstasy and Daft Punk every night! Synthetic drugs were a recurring topic on the show today. The problems with things like synthetic weed or other drugs is that you could actually have a heart attack and die. A caller called in to say that panic attacks and heart attacks were essentially the same thing, making him the biggest dumbass to call the show today. The drug topic did spawn into a good conversation about when to talk to your kids about drugs and how honest you should be. Old man Tully thinks he is going to be a huge hypocrite and not let little Linsanity chase the dragon and party like he did. Ellis says he will be up front and honest if they ask about it, because there is no way he could lie to them. Snook did almost rat him out saying he has a hookah in his bedroom, but it turns out she was just talking about this bong Katie has on her nightstand as a joke. Kinnnnd of missing the point there dude. After that, there was a lot of callers about synthetic drugs, beating drug tests and then a lot of callers calling to reiterate everything that was said before. Glad we have those dudes out there who want to pound the last 20 minutes of the show into our brain so we don’t forget. Woof.

Magic Johnson’s son is GAYYYYYYYYYYYY. No I don’t mean that as an insult, he is just soooooo gay, and he made his first public appearance with his boyfriend recently. Gays in sports was briefly discussed, and about how gays in professional sports is becoming an every day topic these days. Every day it seems someone else comes out and says that they are either for or against homosexuals in the professional leagues. Really though, there is no way you can stop it, gays are becoming more and more accepted, and the mind set of the people is leaning more towards acceptance of the gays and religous types might as well just give up and suck it. You can’t stop it now, Jesus!

Uriah Hall is currently the biggest badass on The Ultimate Fighter, knocking out his last two opponents in terrifying fashion. Ellis says he is a definite contender for the belt when he wins the tournament. Another winner of a caller said that Bubba the Menace fractured three bones in his face in the fight. Ellis had no idea what he was talking about and probably thought the guy was a Blubber Army guy making a joke. The guy he was talking about was Bubba McDaniels who was on the receiving end of Hall’s thunderpunch. Ignoring the Chris Weidman possibility, that means we are looking at a potential KO artist fight Anderson Silva. But, with all the talks of superfights and movie careers, by then who knows if Anderson will even be fighting anymore. None of this was actually discussed on the show, I just don’t give a shit about moto or skating and I’ll be goddamned if I’m not going to go in depth on the sport I like, so fuck you.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS: Jay Leno announced he is retiring but he is a boring ass old person Ellis doesn’t care about. He will be replaced with a boring ass Jimmy Fallon which Ellis also doesn’t care about. DJ Kloo, who likes to let everyone know it’s his mix on the song by screaming his name at you every 5 seconds over the lyrics got popped for driving with a suspended license and having 3 pills wrapped up in tin foil. Lame. Lamar Odom and Fat Shit Kardashian will not be discussed beyond this sentence. More Bieber “life on the skids” bullshit, which is becoming more frequent than Lindsay Lohan stealing stuff and giving handjobs. Hey, do you want to make a fast and easy $84K? Sue John Travolta for sexual harassment, which is all the craze. Dude keeps rubbing up on other guys, so you should get in while the gettin is good. Prince hates the internet and thinks it’s a brainless tool that just throws numbers around in your mind. So he had all videos on Vine that had his music in the background taken down. I really hope that guy has surveillance videos with audio in his house and an untrustworthy maid that wants to sell them off to the world, because he is bat shit crazy(This term will be used again later on).

The basketball coach at Rutger’s was fired for throwing basketballs at player’s heads and calling them faggots. Valid argument, but maybe more kids need balls thrown at their heads so they don’t grow up all getting trophies and being pansies. Guys who place so much stock in their lives on a sports team that it has a negative effect on those around them need to hang themselves.

Sebastian Bach visited the show today! I’m not going to go too in-depth on this, but suffice it to say, the dude is fucking awesome. There were a lot of laughs and I reccomend you go back and listen, but here are some highlights: Sebastian said he is shocked nobody who has gone bald has tattooed hair on the top of their head. Funny you should say that Bach! One crazy motherfucker has, and he is sitting right in god damn front of you! When Bach is performing in Canada, he says he legally has to translate from English to French and started popping off some examples. Seriously Canada, these are the reasons we hate you. Trailer Park Boys is a show Sebastian regularly guest stars on and holy shit did we not hear the end of it from the callers. I’ve never seen the show, but Tully and Ellis said it was pretty funny so I’ll have to give it a shot. The conversation started to move towards the March Madness Greatest Riff contest, and Sebastian had a couple suggestions. The one I’m thinking of in particular was Hatebreed, which caused me to go into a violent laughing fit in which I vomited all over my baby. Sebastian said the same thing everyone says: That Jamey Jasta is a cool dude and should be on the show, and Ellis even showed signs of giving in. I’m still not a Hatebreed fan, nor do I think I ever will be, but I am really excited about that interview if it ever happens now that we’ve all had this build up. They got into the march madness bracket and it was a cluttered fucking mess I could hardly make sense of, so instead of giving you all the songs here you go: Led Zeppelin- Whole Lotta Love moves on to the Elite 8. Oh yeah, it was Bach’s birthday (As well as @mike_in_canada, Poutine for that dude)and will dropped some cake. Dom came in with some game and it was really stupid and poorly thought out, so he got kicked in the nuts really hard by Tully. Shame on you, Dom.

Bat’s give eachother oral sex, and Ellis reckons he’d go down on a 5’2” bat if given the chance. Upon further pondering, that’s probably not a wise idea seeing as bats are just rats with wings and a giant rat with wing’s vagina has to smell like the folds under the folds of your Mom’s gunt. Male cheerleaders bang the cheerleaders all the time, and it always works best when they say “Look, I’m just here to fuck y’all and throw you in the air, none of that flowers and candy bullshit.”

I hate to be the one to break the bad news to you, but you are adopted and no adoptive parents will ever love you as much as the biological parents that didn’t want you. Just kidding, the bad news is that there won’t be an Ellismania this year. No details or anything on why, but it’s probably got something to do with what was pissing Jason off last week about people doing stuff on his behalf. But cheer up, pal. It could be worse, you could have an ear infection. But when you go to the doctor, he tells you it’s not an ear infection, but a small new species of mold that is growing inside of your head. And then you go home and tell your mom the bad news when you noticed she’s washing your pillowcase. You ask her “Why mommy? Why are you washing my pillowcases?” and she replies “Sorry son, your uncle taught me how to squirt last week and we didn’t have any towels, so we used these instead.”

I’m off to bed now, sleep tight Ellisfam.

Evening shit suckers, stop rolling those turds around in bread crumbs and making shit burgers and read this shit about some radio shit and shit. Is it a good day to be you? Every day is a good day to be Jason Ellis. Well, maybe not. Most days anyway. Lots of radio talk to start off the show today. Mostly about how Howard Stern made a sweeping judgement of no more block parties for anyone on the staff because he is tired of hearing about it. I’m sure there is more to it than that, but as TJES sees it, those guys are just trying to make some money on the side and give their families a life. But, Howard has built his kingdom. And he has the final say when it comes to what people from his show do when they are using the fame they got from being on his show in the first place. Ellis said he could never see himself doing that to anyone who worked for him, and started to ponder what he was going to be like 20 years down the road. His best guess was he’d be on the radio wearing a wife beater, overalls, have a ZZ Top beard and have his entire face tattooed. The guys talked a bit about K-Roq and how Ellis met one of the guys who worked there and how the guy was saying whoever let Ellis ramble on about how shitty the bands were when he was a DJ was a ballsy motherfucker. For those of you who don’t know, Ellis got his start by being a regular DJ playing songs, but after he played something like the Offspring, he would tell the audience how shitty Offspring was and how stupid everyone who was a fan of them was for liking them. And the ballsy motherfucker who let him do it? William Pendarvis III. Balls of steel and shins of pearl, that’s the guy who gave Ellis the shot at being what we have today.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS: Sean Penn’s son, Hopper, is in a bit of shit for dropping N bombs and F bombs at a paparazzi. But, after all, his name is Hopper so we all probably could have guessed the dude had rage in him. Eva Mendez tested out her dog’s shock collar and took it all the way up to 10 before she used it, so it may not be a huge stretch for her to be in a Shockingly Hot Chick Fight at Ellismania. John Hamm(Mad Men) apparently doesn’t like wearing underwear, and his penis become a bit of an internet sensation. Remember that story about how Jared Leto said a fan sent him an ear? Yeah, me either, but as you would expect, it’s not real. To me, that guy was most likeable when his face was making contact with Edward Norton’s fist in Fight Club. Bar Rafaeli is an Israeli draft dodger, and Madonna is a ridiculously rich whore who should pay off Dionne Warwick’s bankruptcy. Kanye West is releasing a new album entitled “I Am God” so that dude seems like he has mellowed out a bit. Also, he is reportedly naming his and Kardashian’s baby “North.” North West. North West. Jason believes that when somebody comes up with such a fucking stupid and cruel name, the family really needs to step up and tell those morons that naming your baby Northwest is proof you shouldn’t be allowed to have babies at all.

The Jingleberries made this site famous again, this time the ladies were made famous. Shout out to the Jingleberries again for giving us all a little bit of a boner.

The one and only CHAD REED was on the show today. They talked about moto, injuries, moto injuries and generally just shot the shit. Remember when Ryan Villapoto said he could hear Chad Reed panic revving right before the crash that ended last year’s season? Chad Reed says he always does that. Just to let them know he’s there. What a fucking badass am I right? It’s like his very own Jaws theme music letting them know the Reed is on their ass. Guess what else? He eats at Outback Steakhouse all the time because they are always close to the tracks, and hey, get a little taste of home while you’re at it. Chad Reed doesn’t fuck around, ladies and gentleman. Proof? He once played a $5K wager on a shuffleboard game with Super Agent to the Stars Steve Astephen. He got down about $40K before he won his way back, because Astephen alllllways fucks up in the end.

Ellis wants to make it a goal to find and support new metal bands. No, I didn’t misspell “Nu Metal” bands, so don’t jerk off just yet System of a Down fans. He wants to get someone there start and be the Will Pendarvis to the band’s Jason Ellis. MOTHERFUCKER WE ALMOST GOT OUT OF THIS SHOW WITHOUT NMT. Ugh. Here we go. General wanking motion to @shit_toboggan for getting to skip out this week, I’ll take the leftovers this time motherfucker. RAPID FIRE BITCHES.

Swollen Members: Pretty awesome, fast paced rap that should be done.

Clutch: Not a terrible song, and inspired Ellis to want to play harmonica, but instead of playing, spit whiskey through it and make fireballs.

Arianna Grande: Woof.

Yelawolf: More Yelawolf for people who like Yelawolf. Not this guy. Seriously, “Don’t make me go pop the trunk?” That’s a general statement, sir. You could just be selling me girl scout cookies, in which case, I really want you to pop the trunk. You could also have actual girl scouts in there, which makes me not want you to open it.

Limp Bizkit: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA is it 1999????

Anthrax: with a pretty sweet “Jailbreak” cover.

Lil’ Wayne: Again, don’t like it, and neither did anyone else on the show.

Snoop Lion: As Tully put it: It was a bad idea, but you give him the benefit of a doubt and listen, and then confirm that yes, it was a terrible Idea.

Depeche Mode: Still gay.

Justin Timberlake: Damn, that dude’s got talent. Not a huge fan of that type of music but I’ll admit I bobbed my head.

Sevendust: Here, the God’s shined down on us and the MP3 was corrupt and wouldn’t play. THANK YOU JEEBUS! But NO! Ellis had to blame it on Josh and run him through an MMA gauntlet because Jason wanted to hear Sevendust soooo bad. Dude, take it as a sign that you don’t need to hear Sevendust’s new album! But, during the gauntlet, Josh hit the punching machine and got a 33, 35 and 55. 55???? Holy shit! Katie better watch out, because he throws two of those hammers at once! Anyway, after Jason got done torturing him, Anal Gay Lewis came through and brought Sevendust in for everyone to hear annnnnnd it sucked balls.

Pick of the Week: Some Norwegian metal band Josh likes. Not the worst thing he’s picked but all I can picture with Scandinavian metal bands is golden pigtails and wooden clogs, so it ruins it for me.

SHARK NEWS: Holy hell I swear I get Shark News no matter what day I do this. There was a story about a guy who killed his girlfriend, ran to the beach and threatened to kill himself in a standoff with police. Bad news for him, sharks swimming in the water and he ran like a little bitch into the cop’s arms. Also, a shark with two heads was found in the belly of another shark. Which, is strangely how the world found Abby and Brittany too.

Bill Gates is offering a God-awful amount of money to anyone who can come up with a condom that doesn’t suck. Rawdog admitted that one time, he was fooling around with a chick, and while he was trying to open and put the condom on, he lost his will to bang. And by that I mean he went limp. Oh, you knew what I meant? Fuck you, smartass. The remedy for that, Jason says, is to tell her to suck it while you struggle with the wrapper. Or, you know, do a God damned pushup once in a while because the shit is made of tin foil and is easy as shit to open.

Final Calls: I’m going to round this re-cap out with a small request of each and every (4) of you that are reading this. If you call the show around 4PM, you should know by now that Jason just let’s the callers ride the last minute and a half of the show out. So maybe when you call in around that time, you have something better than just “Hey man, you guys are awesome and shit and I listen every day.” You have an audience of (allegedly) millions of people and you are just wasting everyone’s fucking time. Some of us are calling in frantically trying to get in to actually do something funny, like say, read a passage of the Bible in an increasingly orgasmic tone. Would that not be funnier and more satisfying to people than your annoying bullshit? Well, we’ll never fuckin’ know now will we? Because your stupid ass has to call in and say what 30 other fuckin’ people during the show already said just so you can hear your tone deaf fuckin’ voice on the air when you hang up. For a few months now, Jason has given whoever calls in the chance to get on and say whatever the hell they feel like saying, and God Damnit those things should be funny. So do me a favor and just don’t dial in around that time unless you have something interesting/funny to say. Even the guy who just sang along with the outro music was WAY better than all of you combined. So shove it up you ass, queef monster, and wait until tomorrow.