Mongrels and fucktards of all ages! Welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of The Jason Ellis Show. I’m typing this up in my new Wolfknives t-shirt that I received today as a part of my Wolfknives prize pack I won courtesy of @That_Ellisfam and @NoYouAre_RDS in a contest where I proved just how much faster I can Google than everyone else. Nana-nana fuck you. Kneel before Wolfknife Shitman Fuckmeington! Yeah, I don’t really get it either. But the good news is that I may take up skating for the first time in my life now that I have a sweet ass deck and I’ll probably injure myself to where I’ll be bed-ridden for a while. Shout out to the No You Are guys, I may become much more available to cover y’all in the near future.

I missed the first 45 minutes of the show, but I gathered that the guys shot off on a topic based on this story (NSFW video) of a trained dancer and acrobat with a ?uestlove-style afro attacking women in a San Francisco subway station. The conversation that spawned on the show was about how everybody was just walking past and watching as the dude was attacking women and rubbing his wang all over them. What the fuck, people? More specifically, what the fuck, DUDES? Tons of dudes just walking by and not doing a damn thing besides one station attendant who was trying to keep him separated. Jason said that if a guy sees that shit going down, it is his duty to step in and crack that guy in the face as many times as it takes to put him down. Why is the world filled with such pussies these days? Well, basically the population is split into people who step forward into a situation like that and those who back away, and the world needs more people who will step forward, as the video clearly illustrates.

Like I said, I missed a bunch of the beginning of the show and I just ad-libbed all that shit above because I am Shitman Fuckmeington and fuck you I do what I want. moving on. In Aussie news, Prime Minister Huge tits is campaigning in the land where the toilets spin the other way. And along the campaign trail, her opponents put together some charity dinner event and named it in such a way as to imply that she has small boobs and a huge red box. Looks like all of the funny Australians are either on American radio or FX. Donatella Versaci looks like one of the dolls that Sid kid from Toy Story stitched together and melted in his barbecue:

Would you bang that occasionally to be taken care of for the rest of your life? I’d say sign my ass up, I can work with that. Jason and Tully were in agreement that being a “kept man” would totally be worth slamming your dong into that leather wallet of a vagina for the rest of your life. You’d get to work on anything you liked, travel anywhere in the world and all you would have to do is deal with friction burns on your dick and take extra hot showers every morning. Being the hopeless moron romantic that he is, Josh said he couldn’t do it. Said he couldn’t get past the fact he would be with someone he didn’t love and wanted to start a family in the next four years. Let me repeat that in case you are skimming: Ideally, Josh would like to start a family within the next four years. Fuckin’ A, right? So if, ideally Josh were to be working towards that goal, he would already be seeing that girl right now. So if it holds true, Josh’s kids will be 5’3”, bearded little jews with huge areolas. Josh also slacked off on his workout this morning when he couldn’t remember how many reps he did, which is apparently essential for the specific workout he was doing. Well, Jason reamed him for it a while and hopefully he got Operation Roid-Dog back on track.

Apparently the kids are into licking eyeballs these days, ya know, for sex stuff. The problem with this is that the eyeballs are very absorbent to bacteria and the mouth is full shit that will fuck up yo eyeballs son! Which is what a bunch of chicks found out in some school somewhere where they had a breakout of pinkeye because of the practice. My notes here read “Minty Fresh BJ’s” which I can only take to mean that the guys decided that BJ Penn should bathe himself in Scope so he can smell like THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN!!!!

A guy referred to as Fuck-You-Will and Failed Actor Soundgarden Mark came in to play a game today. The game being let’s make a deal, where they had to answer questions and then they either opened an envelope or a box and the contents was either awesome or terrible. The outcome was one guy had to wear vibrating panties, one of them got prizes and one of them got pumped by Rawdog in what could be the best Vine video I’ve seen thus far. It was a funny bit and those dudes seemed pretty cool, so yay everyone’s happy.

You know who wasn’t happy? Dom, upon learning he was playing Shock Pictionary for the last hour of the show. I was happy, because Dom getting shocked makes Jason happy. And when Jason is happy about shocking an unhappy Dom, Shitman Fuckmeington only has to write a couple of sentences to sum up an hour of show. For some reason, after the game a bunch of people called in to offer suggestions about the shock collars (I call them Shock Callers HAHAHA) but yeah they were all stupid so fuck it.

Earlier in the show the guys did some news about Kanye West and how he was saying a bunch of outlandish shit like he usually does. Tully brought up an interesting point at the time, that the shit that Kanye spracks off with is kind of cool because nobody says it quite like he does. He is a talented mother fucker and he isn’t afraid to speak up about it, not unlike a certain radio host that brought you to this page in the first place, so Tully changed my mind and I’m totally on board with this. Of course, a caller had to bitch about too much Hollywood News here which tells me that guy doesn’t know how to change the fucking station and he can shove it up his ass if he doesn’t like it.

Would you rather fuck a Canadian or a Mexican? Tully would rather fuck a Canadian, surprisingly because he thinks the Canadians have better odds at being hot. Racist. The conversation circled back around to the banging old chicks for money. Tully asked Josh if he would go around the world banging ugly or lame chicks for $100 a pop for a good goin over. Josh said he wouldn’t do it, and I agree, because $100 is fucking insulting for my penis. $100 makes you just a cheap gigolo.

I’m really trying to think of a good closing joke here, but it’s fucking late and I’ve gotta get up early in the morning, so you can take your need for a strong closing joke, spit it into a rag and shove it up your ass for a week. Once it’s good and moldy and festering with flaky shit chips, you pull it out and breathe in the fumes as you suckle on it’s moist leavings. Fuck you, I sort of tried. Shitman Fuckmeington, Out!

How sweet it is to be back Ellisfam! It’s been a whole God damned month since I’ve written one of these because I’ve been so busy re-decorating your old room at your mom’s house into an S&M playhouse. It’s great, I’m using all your old posters as jizz mats and your pillowcases are now masks for that beast you called mommy. Today’s show started off with a little chat about dinosaurs, God and body hair. Ellis was talking about how people shaving their body hair to look sexy is a sign of superior evolution, and upon researching the topic, Tully found that ancient Greeks way before Jesus were into shaving their pubes. Except in those days, they had to use arsenic and lye to burn it all off to get that baby smooth texture Jon Stamos is accustomed too. This spurned off into a little (Read:massive) discussion about the application of religion in society. More concisely, it was centered around how 60% of Americans believe everything in the bible to be 100% true in a literal sense.

As is usual with these conversations, Tully spoke up and verbally pimpslapped all comers with his own personal brand of intellect and logic. That guy could probably convince me that drinking water is a bad idea. Basically, science has a few centuries of actual, solid physical evidence on the origins of the universe, and that’s pretty hard to argue with. The fun part in this conversation was hearing Ellis get a little education on just how long the earth has been in existence. Tully asked him how long ago he thought dinosaurs were on the earth. Ellis answered about 5,000 years ago, to which Tully eventually revealed that no, in fact dinosaurs were around 65,000,000-230,000,000 years ago. WILD. The main point of argument that came up again and again was Noah’s ark and how it’s an impossible scenario that could never have happened. A guy named Noah even called in to say he never built an ark and that the story is full of shit, so there you go Christians, I believe you have some editing to get to, good day!

Some Hollywood news happened and a bunch of it was about famous people’s kids being all fucked up. I’m not getting into it here because I don’t care. Go check TMZ if you’re looking for the latest Bieber hat choice.

Nick Swardson was on the show today, and he burst in during a news story about a lawyer who went to a hotel in Vegas, got wasted and proclaimed he was going to “Napalm this hotel” and proceeded to do $100K worth of damage to the establishment. Including destruction of a book of Michelangelo’s(The famous artist, not the Turtle, you mongrel) that was being displayed in the lobby. Funny that a guy like Nick Swardson would show up during a story like this because he is no stranger to getting black out drunk and destroying hotel rooms. Ellis had to run off and get some steroids before he shriveled up, so Nick got a chance to plug his new show coming to FX that I can’t remember the name of because I am not professional at all. Nick said it’s about a bunch of guys who work for a video game company and he developed it with the producers of Grandma’s Boy but it is definitely not Grandma’s Boy but who knows. Ellis came back in and face pumped Nick before they sat down and got into probably the most racist thing against Asians done on radio in a long time. It was a game where everyone had to draw an Asian country out of a hat and do their best impersonation of what the di of alect would sound like. I won’t be able to do any of the impressions justice on here, so I suggest you go back and listen to it on demand because it was pretty great. At least it was pretty great until all the clips that they were using for the reveal of the dialect were women. And since none of the contestants in this game were women, of course no one was going to be able to get it right. So, in came Dom to spin the wheel for fucking up yet again. The wheel span, we all waited patiently on the edge of our seat and landed on ‘The Wet Will’, which is of course a wet willy from Will Pendarvis III. 45 years of cigarette smoke and strange women culminating onto a finger that hasn’t been washed in months stuck right into your ear. Well, as we know, Dom is a giant vagina and started dry heaving before Will ever even fingered him. Once the deed was done, the great Nick Swardson suggested that an addition should be made to the torture in that after the wet willy, the victim should be subjected to a fish hook. So back into the studio Dom came, about ready to vomit on everything. 45 years, ladies and gentleman, of cigarettes, butt wipings, nut scratchings, hair gellings and probably a few DNA samples of missing women directly into your mouth. Dom puked shortly after that as suspected and I imagine he tried to pray the bacteria out of his mouth, but that is a smear of fluid you will never be able to wash out.

The Dolphin(Will) came in today to defend Dolphin Rape. You see, Dolphins are abhorrent creatures that bully, beat and rape their Dolphin women. But the Dolphin says it is all consensual and the women wanted it. Some photographers came into the studio to take some pictures for Swinghouse with the owner of Swinghouse, Paul,  in tow. The guys started jumping on them for interrupting the show and not coming in when they had people puking, or when Nick Swardson were there. Paul jumped in and started asking about those burnout marks inside the studio(That Ellis was responsible) and the blowjobs that have been had in the bathroom(Rawdog is responsible) and it turned out to be pretty funny. I think it would be kind of cool to hear from Paul a little more and get more of a history of the building that our favorite radio show goes down in every day.

Oh, God Damnit! I almost forgot about Ellis’ new chick. As you probably heard earlier in the week, Ellis has a new chick who is a super hot black chick and throughout the show today Ellis spoke on how he had to check her for wearing True Religion jeans. I don’t know what those are, but I’m positive they are a thing I have heard of before. I guess they are just jeans with extra flair on the ass or something. Also, he found out she is a smoker! Like Will!. Well, not exactly like Will, in the sense that his smokes his in front of frightened women bound to chairs in a moldy basement, and she only smokes a couple a day. But Ellis checked her on that too, and the guys found some studies that linked breast cancer to women who smoke and take birth control at the same time, so Ellis is going to scare her into quitting. A lot of people have been taking to IG and Twitter to tell Ellis what a mistake he made dumping Katie and getting with this new chick, but he could care less. In the end, what he reveals on the radio is never even 2/3 of what is actually going on just for privacy sake, so I’m sure he had plenty of good reasons for whatever decision he makes. And ultimately, it’s none of our business. Katie is a super cool chick though, and I hope this new one gets on air soon so we can get a feel for her.

So that’s about it really. Like I said, it’s been about a month since I’ve done one of these and I suppose I’m a bit rusty, so I’m sorry if what you just read was utter shit. Too long of days at work, not long enough days home with the fam. Shit’s a little tough, but babbling on about this radio show really helps sometimes. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, when me and your mom were turning your childhood bedroom into a sex dungeon, I was dry humping your old stuffed animals into her box and she squirted onto a an old photo of you and her, I hope you didn’t want to keep it.

Happy Wednesday, you filthy mongrels. You’ve clicked on a link that led you to my words and I hope Hooked on Phonics worked for you because we got some shit to get into. Today Jason opened up the show talking about how happy he is with his new gym and all the cool MMA training he gets to do there. He is the most skilled in the classes, so he isn’t getting rocked 4 times a day and he found out the place (Legends I think he said) is right down the street from his house so that fucking rules. Additionally, he gets to train with about 15 people in the gym, which motivates the shit out of him to push it as far as he can, rather than by himself where he takes breaks whenever he gasses. Which makes sense, because when I’m banging your mom, I always ejaculate right as I feel it coming on. But when there are 15 other dudes there I suck it up and give that old hag all I’ve got.

Good news for all of you people whiny enough to bitch about there being no replays, but too cheap to get On-Demand: Ellis replays will be playing on Faction weekdays from 9-11AM Eastern. And what’s more is that it won’t just be a Best Of with interviews you’ve heard a hundred times, it will be a compilation of highlights from the show the day before. So we can all change our tampon now and breath a sigh of relief.

The story everyone has been talking about for the last few days is, of course, the three kidnapped girls in Cleveland that a neighbor named Charles Ramsey rescued when he heard one of the girls screaming. Ramsey apparently was even offered a $25,000 reward and turned it down saying if there was a reward they should just give it to those girls. Red Dragons a million times to that dude. Turns out the girls had been impregnated and had kids while being held in the basement by the sick fucks holding them there. Reports are even saying that there had been several other pregnancies and the cops found the remains of the infants in the back yard. Naturally this turned the discussion into what possible torture these motherfuckers deserve, and really there isn’t much you could do that wouldn’t be appropriate. One of the best suggested on the show was tying the dudes up and letting the girls wail on them with sticks and shit until they felt like that was enough. But really, what you could do is: Tie their hands and feet to ropes attached to the ceiling in floor (upside down or not is irrelevant) and start slowly chiseling away at their bones. Start with the shins because you have a good flat surface to work with. With a dull knife, flay open the skin and start chipping away on the center of the bone. You will get a few good craters going pretty quickly and eventually you will get a good hairline split up the entire bone. Good, you’re done there for now. Now what you want to do is cauterize that with a red hot piece of metal. Find yourself a sharper but serrated knife and place it gently below the knee cap where the skin is kinda soft. Then rake that shit back and forth until the whole thing pops off and you’ve got yourself one whole knee cap, friend. We’ve spent too much time on the legs now, turn your attention to the eyelids and, with a pair of fingernail clippers, pinch those fuckers off and feed them to him. You get the idea, these fuckers need to pay and not be sent to prison for life where they get hot meals and a bed to sleep on for the rest of their life. These girls’ lives will never be that easy again, why should theirs?

Oh shit, we gotta make this funny again don’t we? In the most Australian act ever performed, a 16-year-old Aussie threw half of a Vegemite sandwich at Prime Minister Huge Tits. At the time, she was speaking about lowering the voting age from 18 to 16, so I guess she got her answer. Rawdog just couldn’t shut up about the PM’s boobs and it got super distracting. Dude bangs one chubby pornstar with huge cans and he’s like a junkie lookin for a fix. By the way, the Dog is going out on another date with that chick and this time he is probably going to get laid, which means he will probably break a hip because she is going to eat him alive. Anyway, the whole voting thing steered the conversation towards Josh saying he was a lot dumber 10 years ago when he was 17. And Tully asking him if 10 years from now he will realize how dumb he is at 27. If Ellis had his own Storage Wars type show, he would make it so when whoever bought the unit opened the door, he’d be in there fucking their mom. Hard.

Remember that time Dom put on the shock collar? Well if you liked that, there was 45 minutes more of it today! I really appreciate when they do stuff like this, because it makes my job re-capping these things really fucking easy. The game was Shocking Movie Quotes, and Dom, being the good sport he is strapped on the collar, read movie quotes and they guys had to guess what movie it was. Jason had the remote, and I never knew you could evoke such happiness through the radio before. It was like Christmas morning for Australians. Dom would scream and choke out movie quotes and the guys just wouldn’t say the right answer, so Dom got shocked for 45 minutes. This one had the people of Twitter a bit divided. Some hated it and thought Dom’s screams were annoying, and others loved the shit out of it. Personally, I was rolling on the floor laughing the whole time, and there will be some sweet ass buttons coming in the next few days from it.

Hollywood news was much like any other Hollywood news segment. Some celebrities did some shit, Justin Beiber did something that any young, super famous dude with seemingly unlimited funds would do, and rappers got arrested. There were a couple notable ones that spun off other topics, like how Snoop Dogg(I will not say Lion) admitted he used to be an actual pimp. Tully said that it was a really stupid move to say that at this point in his career, and he shouldn’t be proud of it, which was pretty much the general consensus. Madonna sold a painting for some ungodly amount of money and gave it all to her charity that helps kids in Afghanistan. This sparked an argument between Jason and Josh about Madonna’s true intentions when she adopted those kids all those years ago. Jason saying she did it to help a poor orphan kid and Josh saying she swooped in, snatched up the kid and disappeard in a cloud of American cash. Whether she did that or not, the kid is obviously living a much better life in one of Madonna’s mansions rather than a mud hut in Malawi, so she’s doing some good. That Soul Surfer chick with one arm is getting engaged and her fiancee went off on a Jesus/God rant on his blog about how God blah blah blah blah and they are so in love because of God’s blobbity bloop. Tully swooped in and brought up a conversation he had with Mrs. Tully about how much more individualized christianity/western world is than other religions/regions. Take China for instance(No, please take it?), everyone there doesn’t give a shit about expressing themselves and doesn’t have a need to personalize everything they do, and it works out for them. But with the western world, everyone has to find a way to make it all about themselves, and how God love THEM because THEY live THEIR life through God. Basically, Christians be selfish, yo.

Eva Longoria maids shit. That was a note I wrote myself while listening, but for the life of me I can’t remember what the hell that was about, so I’m going to close this edition of the NYA re-cap with pure speculation as to what that may entail. Eva Longoria lives a very good life. She was/is in movies and TV, was married to a pro basketball player and still has a rocking body to boot. Eva gets done with a busy day doing photo shoots, comes home and notices a turd just inside the door way. She kneels down and sniffs it, and confirms it is human, and begins looking for her maid to come clean it up. However, she doesn’t get far before she notices another small turd sitting on the lavish stairwell leading to her bedroom. Again, she bends down and this one is a little fresher than the last, she can feel a bit of heat coming off of it still. The shit had just been shat. In full Desperate Housewives panic mode, she bursts through the french doors into her bedroom and sees her maid squatting over Tony Parker and laying a crisp mud baby on his chest. Eva, now enraged, grabs the closest blunt object, a feather duster the maid had left on the floor by the door. She begins flailing it wildly at Tony and the maid and smears shit everywhere along the room. And that my friends, is how you get shit on your feather duster.

Look, I had no idea where I was going with that when I started, so I apologize if you took that entire journey only to have the image of Eva Longoria flailing a feather duster covered in fecal matter at Tony Parker and a maid. I really need to start writing better notes I guess, and I’ll make it up to you. I promise, this time it’s different. You’re the only one for me, baby, and I know I’m not perfect but I can try.

The end?

Greetings fellow mongrels! And welcome to the Wednesday Re-cap of the Jason Ellis                                                                                                                                           Rawdog’s mom beef                                                            so Jason wants to duke it out                                          jiu-jitsu                                                                                       Ellis is gonna get all oiled up and get creepy so Rawdog looks better                                                                                                                                                                                             Josh                                                         until he farted a hand carved ice ball out of his ass. Well that’s it for today, your mom’s a

Sirius, Am I Right?

Just kidding mongrels. The above paragraph is a somewhat greatly exaggerated depiction of what a lot of people experienced from SiriusXM’s sattelite feed on today’s show. TJES was basically like having a really good jackoff session and just when you have forgotten how sad and dumb you are and are just going for the moment, a cat jumps onto your lap and takes the edge off of your boner. No worries though, you gotta look on the bright side and think: I wouldn’t be so pissed if I didn’t love this show as much. Admittedly though, some parts of the show were missed. And since I can’t possibly re-cap what I did not witness, I’m going to pepper in some nonsense for the bits I didn’t catch.

Ellis is getting all squared away to train at one of the Gracie Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu gyms in his new neighborhood. He’s going to be starting out as a blue belt, and roll around putting balls in his face for a good ten years to get his black belt. Then there was some discussion about degrees of black belts and how coral belts are higher than that, and red belts are the grand master of them all in BJJ. Brendan Schaub is trying to get Ellis in training with him, but Ellis’ schedule is pretty jacked up because of the show and the kids and stuff. But because Brendan is a pretty sweet dude, he’s gonna shift some stuff around and get into the gym with Ellis whenever he can. He’s either a really nice guy or wants to fold Ellis up like a pretzel and kick his ass. This got the conversation centered onto the Dog, and about how he should be taking Deer Antler Extract to beef himself up and get into MMA and just wrestle bitches into his bed. Aubrey(who is a dude by the way) from Onnit  called in a bit to clear up the Deer shit and said the extract isn’t really what is supplying the boost in the supplements, but it’s the combination of all the other shit in the compound that does the trick. Either way TJES, and all of it’s fans want to see a lean, bruiser version of Rawdog and get him to stop being such a little manboy all the time. Jason said they need to get Rawdog’s mom in on the show so they can finally square off for ownership of Josh once and for all. That would be a more anticipated showdown than Jon Jones vs. Anderson Silva, with epic implications. And when Ellis wins the day(Presumably concluding with Jason hoisting Rawdog’s Mom by her genital area) Jason is going to oil himself up and get weird on the streets of Hollywood so Josh can look like more of a man and get some strange.

…..ladies

More MMA stuff, Jake Ellenberger wants to beat the crap out of Jason too and is probably going to come on the show next week. I’m really digging the fact that there are more fighters on the show lately, they tend to be no bullshit types of guys as a general rule. But more than Ellenberger, Rawdog had to undergo an MMA gauntlet quiz, I’m assuming because John Cena Chael Sonnen got TKO’d by Jon Jones this last weekend. The gauntlet consisted of Josh performing some physical task(Punch machine, burpees, kettle bell exercises and Rocky style sit-ups with a slap to the belly), and had to answer questions (about who was the champion in each UFC weight class) in between rounds. As you can imagine, Josh was pretty gassed out after the first bunch of rounds and failed to name Dominick Cruz, Benson Henderson, ANDERSON SILVA, Jose Aldo and GSP. Hearing the little bugger getting frazzled and out of breath was quite a treat though.

Hollywood news: Lil’ Wayne had another seizure but he’s fine. Lindsay Lohan is super duper pinky promising to go to rehab, but not the court appointed one because they won’t let her smoke. Fair enough, I say. As long as she gets her ass back into ‘Mean Girls’ shape I don’t give a shit what she does to get there. Catherine Zeta Jones is checking into rehab because she’s having a heavy period. Andy Dick got kicked off of Dancing With The Stars and is apparently dating a chick in the most “Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?” move of the year. Beyonce apparently has a pretty crazy rider she supplies to every venue she performs at. Such requirements include $900 in titanium straws, Alkaline water kept at 21 degrees, GIVE ME THE BEAT BOYS AND FREE MY SOUL, I WANNA GET LOST IN YOUR ROCK AND ROLL AND DRIFT AWAY, a hand carved ice ball to sooth her throat after performing, off white walls in every room she has to stay in, a new toilet seat and red toilet paper so she can ignore the blood in her poo she gets from all the grunting she does on stage.

This started a whole conversation on what kinds of crazy shit D!D!D! should put into their riders. Things like making someone go get seven slices of pizza from seven different pizza places, a printed version of wikipedia, SUPACALIFRADGALISTICEXPIALADOCIOUS.

The Drifter came up with a new game where he names a sexual position from the kama sutra and the guys would have to guess what they thought it would look like. I didn’t hear a lot of this one, and not because the player was cutting out. Mostly because it was stupid, Jason didn’t like it and we all just moved on with our day.

Women, Am I Right? A woman was speeding down a highway when police began following her, attempting to pull her over. The woman then dialed 911 and told the dispatcher to tell the cop to get off of her ass. She then MISSISSIPPI QUEEN, YEAH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 80-year-old swallowed a $5K diamond, but it’s ok because she had an asshole doctor appointment the next day, so he got to fish it out. I don’t know about you, but I bet some 10-year old in an African mine is not feeling so bad about his life now. A drunk woman ran over a cop that was posted up at a random breathalyzer checkpoint. A psycho woman was a bit peeved that her ex-husband didn’t invite her to his birthday party, so naturally she stormed into the place and attacked him with a meat cleaver, a knife, a frying pan and a sledgehammer. I was shocked she wasn’t able to actually murder him, considering even Downzig could have lucked his way into a kill with that arsenal. But then again, she was a woman. Am I Right?

Australia is becoming more and more known for gigantic titties (WOOO!!!). But not because of implants, because of fat chicks (awwww). Yes, bra manufacturers are coming out with K-cup bras for big sloppy titted sheilas and you know who couldn’t be happier? Aussie dudes. If you got big floppy mammaries, they don’t care about the rest of ya. Rawdog has always been a fan of big titties and areolas because he feels a deep connection to his mom every time he tweaks a nipple. Jason commanded Dom to get some large-breasted individuals in the studio so that he and Josh could caress and romance the titties and see who has better skills with the breasticles. But really, who really loses there in that situation? Michael Tully.

Rawdog and Katie are still set to fight in Ellismania 9, Oct. 12. Ellis may have come up with a way to make the fight way more interesting though. He is thinking he should drug both Katie and Josh and pack rolls of quarters into their gloves so they are just slobbering messing throwing bombs at each other. Here in my town they just call that Trailer Park Tuesdays, but it would be a sweet idea if the fight went down that way.

In closing, I just gotta tell you guys about my struggles as of late. I’ve been feeling backed up and living has become a bit uncomfortable lately. It’s just this empty but heavy feeling I’ve been dragging in the pit of my stomach for a few days now. No matter how hard I’ve tried to HTFU and push it, I just haven’t been able to break the barrier and really let loose for a while now. So I called your mom, and she did the old “reverse gag reflex” on my colon and I blasted venomous sewage from the pits of my intestines all over her face. Dingle berries were torn loose by the gale-force winds blasting from my rectum, peppering her face like BB’s and cascading all over her saggy tits (that YOU ruined) like Plinko chips. I walked out of that Denny’s bathroom a new man with a new lease on life, and it’s all thanks to that slut.

Peace, Bitches.

It’s Friday so I’m gonna have to ask you to stop giving fucks away like your mom at the farmer’s market. You know who really doesn’t give a fuck? Diseases and pharmacies. In fact, they systematically double teamed Ellis this morning making him about an hour late to the show. So we listened to Tully and Rawdog talk a bit about this massive tournament of guitar riffs that I guess they have been talking about for a couple months now. And today we will finally get to the bottom of what is the World’s Greatest Guitar Riff! And Slash is going to be here today! Fuck yeah! Woo, let’s do this! Tully mused a little on if some classic rock is famous just for being famous. I can see his point too with some bands, like Deep Purple. Yeah, nobody had heard shit like that before, but say that Smoke On The Water came out today, it’d just get played on Octane for a few weeks and be sort of meh. Yeah, I said it. Come at me, bitch. 

What the fuck do people in a pharmacy do anyway? They held up the wing for a while and he finally showed up. Ellis has been sick as I mentioned and has been nursing his AIDS by watching old TV shows and it turned the conversation to iconic role models. Are there any left? All the kids have to look up to these days are the Kardashian whore beasts, Jersey Shore mutants and Lindsay Lohan mutant whore beasts. Ellis almost got into a fight in traffic today, and the guy threatened to pull a gun on him, so Ellis wisely backed off. Something I learned a long time ago is that people need to chill the fuck out when they are in traffic. Rage-passing people and cutting them off out of spite only leads to shitty situations and you don’t really get much out of anything. The guys hashed this out through the course of the show and unless you and the other dude are gonna park and go somewhere else and fight, it’s not worth it. But if you do get into a fight, just get super loud and say some shit like “OH YEAH? WELL HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST? HE’S A PRETTY BIG FUCKING DEAL, YOU WANNA READ THIS PAMPHLET HERE AND SAVE YOUR MORTAL SOUL, BITCH?”

Rawdog has his 10 year high school reunion coming up, and that is fucking exciting for a number of reasons. One, he has a chance to tag some of those bitches he’s been spanking it to on Facebook. Two, he has no chance at banging one of those chicks so Ellis is gonna get a porn star to go with him and make him look all badass. I think they should revisit the idea they had for getting Josh to ask out Burger Chick. Have Benji Madden and Slash walk in before him, Slash will lay down some salty licks and Benji will belt out some panty droppin’ vocals and in walks Rawdog through a wall of doves. Bam! But yeah, the porn star thing is probably what’s going to happen so that is gonna be sweet, maybe he’ll get himself a handjob. Rawdog wouldn’t come right out and say it, but what he really wants is to take Joanna as his date. Then when Tully and Ellis called him out on wanting to bang Joanna he said the ultimate friend zone motto: “It would be weird, we are too good of friends.” Haha, yeah keep telling yourself that, Dog.

Ellis started talking about how he was listening to Shannon Gunz earlier this week and she sounded awesome as ever. The music she played on Faction, though, sucked rancid balls. A caller said that he heard a band called C2C the other day and they were pretty rad. Josh read a description of the band and cracked a joke and ol’ Pendarvis came charging into the studio to defend his little tree fort. Will said Rawdog was being snarky about c2c and called Rawdog a suck-up and he is always just agreeing with Tully and Ellis to avoid confrontation, once again proving Will Pendarvis doesn’t listen to the show. So they pulled up a song from C2C and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard, and Tully thought it sounded like Daft Punk re-made Moby and Fatboy Slim’s love child’s album. They figured out that the song Ellis heard the Gunz playing was El Hefe’s(NOFX) band, Implants. I thought they were OK but I liked it better when Rise Against did it with less vagina. OH!

Hollywood News: Willie Nelson is 80 motherfucking years old today, and he is still smoking weed and touring his ass off. Happy birthday you weird old hippie hillibilly thing. Gwyneth Paltrow didn’t wear underwear under her dress, and apparently there was a mad dash to get her razors because she had to shave her crazy-hairy bush. Brad and Angelina’s neighbors are pussy fart shitheads and complained about them riding their dirtbikes on their private beach. Fuck those people.

Slash finally arrived on the show! That can mean only one thing! It is time, to finally finish this Greatest Riff Tournament once and for all! What better way to end this 2 month marathon of debates and quarrels and voting than with one of the greatest guitar legends ever and the master behind one of the top 8 picks? Fuck yeah let’s do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YEAHHH!!!

YEAH!!!

 

So after a little catching up between Ellis and Slash, they finally get to showing Slash the list, and Slash isn’t happy with the list. He starts rambling off a whole bunch of other riffs, and the guys explained they have narrowed it down to only a few, and these 8 are the ones they got. Ok, Slash is cool with that, and off we go. Until Sweet Child O’ Mine comes on, and Slash said it was unfair for him to vote on any of them against his own since he didn’t want there to be any bias. Well even after they slammed through a few of them, they decided that the Greatest Riff could not be decided today.

So, today is not the day to decide what the greatest riff is, but we can still talk to Slash about all the shit he is doing because he never stops. We heard about his new movie coming out with his own production company. We heard some new music off of the new album, and we got to hear about calzones. Then, out of fucking nowhere the Sirius app goes and takes a massive shit on itself. The kind of shit where you don’t even see it coming until it’s on it’s way out of your asshole. You try to run to the toilet but you know it’s too late. Shout out to Sirius and all of their fine, not-clunky-heaps-of-shit products they produce. Apparently they heard all of the racial and anti-Semitic things I was yelling into my phone because my feed came back and all was well. But by then I sort of lost what they were talking about, and I really got into the Friday spirit and stopped giving a fuck. Much like I’m about to do right now, in fact!

So here’s to hoping you all enjoy your weekend, try not to get anyone pregnant, get set on fire, jam any square-shaped objects into circle-shaped orifices or get date raped by a man in a Gwar t-shirt and volleyball shorts.