How sweet it is to be back Ellisfam! It’s been a whole God damned month since I’ve written one of these because I’ve been so busy re-decorating your old room at your mom’s house into an S&M playhouse. It’s great, I’m using all your old posters as jizz mats and your pillowcases are now masks for that beast you called mommy. Today’s show started off with a little chat about dinosaurs, God and body hair. Ellis was talking about how people shaving their body hair to look sexy is a sign of superior evolution, and upon researching the topic, Tully found that ancient Greeks way before Jesus were into shaving their pubes. Except in those days, they had to use arsenic and lye to burn it all off to get that baby smooth texture Jon Stamos is accustomed too. This spurned off into a little (Read:massive) discussion about the application of religion in society. More concisely, it was centered around how 60% of Americans believe everything in the bible to be 100% true in a literal sense.
As is usual with these conversations, Tully spoke up and verbally pimpslapped all comers with his own personal brand of intellect and logic. That guy could probably convince me that drinking water is a bad idea. Basically, science has a few centuries of actual, solid physical evidence on the origins of the universe, and that’s pretty hard to argue with. The fun part in this conversation was hearing Ellis get a little education on just how long the earth has been in existence. Tully asked him how long ago he thought dinosaurs were on the earth. Ellis answered about 5,000 years ago, to which Tully eventually revealed that no, in fact dinosaurs were around 65,000,000-230,000,000 years ago. WILD. The main point of argument that came up again and again was Noah’s ark and how it’s an impossible scenario that could never have happened. A guy named Noah even called in to say he never built an ark and that the story is full of shit, so there you go Christians, I believe you have some editing to get to, good day!
Some Hollywood news happened and a bunch of it was about famous people’s kids being all fucked up. I’m not getting into it here because I don’t care. Go check TMZ if you’re looking for the latest Bieber hat choice.
Nick Swardson was on the show today, and he burst in during a news story about a lawyer who went to a hotel in Vegas, got wasted and proclaimed he was going to “Napalm this hotel” and proceeded to do $100K worth of damage to the establishment. Including destruction of a book of Michelangelo’s(The famous artist, not the Turtle, you mongrel) that was being displayed in the lobby. Funny that a guy like Nick Swardson would show up during a story like this because he is no stranger to getting black out drunk and destroying hotel rooms. Ellis had to run off and get some steroids before he shriveled up, so Nick got a chance to plug his new show coming to FX that I can’t remember the name of because I am not professional at all. Nick said it’s about a bunch of guys who work for a video game company and he developed it with the producers of Grandma’s Boy but it is definitely not Grandma’s Boy but who knows. Ellis came back in and face pumped Nick before they sat down and got into probably the most racist thing against Asians done on radio in a long time. It was a game where everyone had to draw an Asian country out of a hat and do their best impersonation of what the di of alect would sound like. I won’t be able to do any of the impressions justice on here, so I suggest you go back and listen to it on demand because it was pretty great. At least it was pretty great until all the clips that they were using for the reveal of the dialect were women. And since none of the contestants in this game were women, of course no one was going to be able to get it right. So, in came Dom to spin the wheel for fucking up yet again. The wheel span, we all waited patiently on the edge of our seat and landed on ‘The Wet Will’, which is of course a wet willy from Will Pendarvis III. 45 years of cigarette smoke and strange women culminating onto a finger that hasn’t been washed in months stuck right into your ear. Well, as we know, Dom is a giant vagina and started dry heaving before Will ever even fingered him. Once the deed was done, the great Nick Swardson suggested that an addition should be made to the torture in that after the wet willy, the victim should be subjected to a fish hook. So back into the studio Dom came, about ready to vomit on everything. 45 years, ladies and gentleman, of cigarettes, butt wipings, nut scratchings, hair gellings and probably a few DNA samples of missing women directly into your mouth. Dom puked shortly after that as suspected and I imagine he tried to pray the bacteria out of his mouth, but that is a smear of fluid you will never be able to wash out.
The Dolphin(Will) came in today to defend Dolphin Rape. You see, Dolphins are abhorrent creatures that bully, beat and rape their Dolphin women. But the Dolphin says it is all consensual and the women wanted it. Some photographers came into the studio to take some pictures for Swinghouse with the owner of Swinghouse, Paul, in tow. The guys started jumping on them for interrupting the show and not coming in when they had people puking, or when Nick Swardson were there. Paul jumped in and started asking about those burnout marks inside the studio(That Ellis was responsible) and the blowjobs that have been had in the bathroom(Rawdog is responsible) and it turned out to be pretty funny. I think it would be kind of cool to hear from Paul a little more and get more of a history of the building that our favorite radio show goes down in every day.
Oh, God Damnit! I almost forgot about Ellis’ new chick. As you probably heard earlier in the week, Ellis has a new chick who is a super hot black chick and throughout the show today Ellis spoke on how he had to check her for wearing True Religion jeans. I don’t know what those are, but I’m positive they are a thing I have heard of before. I guess they are just jeans with extra flair on the ass or something. Also, he found out she is a smoker! Like Will!. Well, not exactly like Will, in the sense that his smokes his in front of frightened women bound to chairs in a moldy basement, and she only smokes a couple a day. But Ellis checked her on that too, and the guys found some studies that linked breast cancer to women who smoke and take birth control at the same time, so Ellis is going to scare her into quitting. A lot of people have been taking to IG and Twitter to tell Ellis what a mistake he made dumping Katie and getting with this new chick, but he could care less. In the end, what he reveals on the radio is never even 2/3 of what is actually going on just for privacy sake, so I’m sure he had plenty of good reasons for whatever decision he makes. And ultimately, it’s none of our business. Katie is a super cool chick though, and I hope this new one gets on air soon so we can get a feel for her.
So that’s about it really. Like I said, it’s been about a month since I’ve done one of these and I suppose I’m a bit rusty, so I’m sorry if what you just read was utter shit. Too long of days at work, not long enough days home with the fam. Shit’s a little tough, but babbling on about this radio show really helps sometimes. Oh, I almost forgot to mention, when me and your mom were turning your childhood bedroom into a sex dungeon, I was dry humping your old stuffed animals into her box and she squirted onto a an old photo of you and her, I hope you didn’t want to keep it.