Day 2 of TJES in New York and we have got some HUGE news coming from the meeting that Jason had with SiriusXM execs today. I mean BIG, AWESOME GREAT FUCKING AMAZING NEWS!!!!!! The show is super gnarly now and everything is crazy good.

Me, when I heard the news.

Ellis was thinking about being a rapper, but when he raps inside his own head he’s got a vibe where he is always cappin’ N-Bombs. Problem is, he doesn’t actually cap N-Bombs and it would sound weird coming from a white Australian dude with tattoos to be dropping that kind of shit. Which is probably why there have only been one or two ultra successful white rappers. Because N-Bombs are the key to true hip-hop success. Ellis is wearing a sort of Islamic looking sweatshirt and got big ups from an Islamic looking dude walking down the street for it.

Remember how that chick called yesterday and said she wanted to come down and meet Ellis while he was in New York? Well Ellis decided he would be nice and say hi and make a fan happy. Bad idea, she made him wait an hour and a half outside and for some reason she couldn’t find a parking spot in midtown Manhattan and Ellis had to blow her off.

I feel like I’ve kind of blown over something here….Let me check my notes, I swear there was one important piece of information I’m failing to mention. Oh yeah! Ellis ordered a ton of food from room service last night to really celebrate a night by himself watching movies. He got chicken fingers, brownies and ice cream and a grilled cheese WITH bacon! Oh, that Ellis! Always eating food and stuff. And you know what else is crazy? Last night, Rawdog had the EXACT SAME DINNER!

Me, when I heard that Josh and Jason had the same dinner last night, on opposite coasts.

Alright, alright. The big news from Jason’s meeting today was that they got everything they asked for. Absolutely everything. There were a few things that Jason had to keep tight lipped for now, but the big announcement was that Tim Sabean will now be the boss of the Jason Ellis show. If you don’t know who he is, or don’t know that when someone’s name is highlighted in blue that it’s a link to learn more you fucking twat, Tim Sabean managed Howard Stern’s two channels and staff for a number of years and is always regarded as a guy who gets shit done. Tim’s involvement is particularly interesting for a number of reasons. One, he is a big time name with Sirius and radio in general from his long standing reputation on Howard’s show. Two, it was also recently announced that Sabean will be the new program director of Opie and Anthony. Ellis hinted at possibly having their own channel, a new studio (which he has been hinting at for weeks now) and possibly more staff to grease the squeakier wheels of the show (I.e. call screener, producer, Ellis not having to book guests via twitter). But as far as the O&A tie goes, it may end up that there is a joint channel there where replays are played on both, but that’s all speculation and we will find out sometime in the near future. And hey, maybe on down the road, TJES may get an after-show. If they do go that route, I think they should get a group of people who really love the show and are particularly awesome at finding creative and entertaining ways to relay all of the information presented in the show and compacting it into a very short space. Good luck finding that, though!

When Wilson was married, he would leave for work and tell his wife “I love you honey goodbye.” And she would reply “I love you too, and remember: You’re ugly and nobody likes you.” But she would say it in sort of a endearing and funny way that couple do. Wilson’s point was that if you say stuff like that to a person every day they can start believing it. Ellis doesn’t think so though, sometimes Katie will make him breakfast and he will say “Thanks, ya dumb whore.” But it’s cute and funny and shit when he says it so it’s ok. Also there was a poll in 1978 that said that 50% of men were interested in doing extreme sports like kayaking and skydiving and women were 25%. A similar poll was taken now and found that only 25% of men were interested in that and still 25% of women. They say this could be because of testosterone dropping or something I’m kind of losing what the whole thing was about but the meat of the conversation was this: If you were told towards the end of your life you could live 10 more years as a man, or 30 more years if you had a sex operation and turned into a woman, what would you do? Everyone said they would take the woman route and live a little longer and have a vag and wear dresses and scare their grandkids and shit. Not a bad idea if you ask me, maybe humanity will live a little longer if we have a bunch of hairy trannies running around in pantsuits…..I don’t know what that means just read on, fucker.

If you hear Josh doing the Sara voice in the next few days and calling himself JasonEllis Anderson, it’s because they did a thing where Josh used the voice machine and talked about sucking dick and getting all of his holes filled and it was pretty funny. He’s a little out of the loop being on the west coast, but in all honesty, he is probably having a better time getting blowjobs in Jason’s chair while he is gone. He is probably farting on everything Jason touches during the show. And it’s so hot in that studio, you know his balls are getting sweaty and you know he has to be wiping his greasy ball sweat on Ellis’ microphone.

Josh is celebrating the Jewish new year because they have been counting years longer than Christians but white people just sort of ignore anything before Jesus or anything brown skinned, so happy September 4th bitches. Tully and Cullen reminisced about Real New Year’s they have had in the past and it was riddled with pussy and cocaine and seducing sleeping chicks in bathtubs. Cullen, the old pussy hound he is used to land chicks out of his league with his old friend, Joe Cocaine. Joe Cocaine sounds like the biggest dick at every party I’ve ever been to.

Wilson made a “Name That Tune” style game where he played a Muzak version of popular songs and everyone had to guess what it was. The winning prize would be a very special session with Wilson Pendarvis where he will judge the winner’s butt. I only briefly mention this because the guys are going to make Wilson walk around judging butts at Ellismania now and that is a role that creepy bastard was born to play.

Lastly, a new signature segment “Dude, what’s the worst injury you’ve had while taking a shit.” To sum it up, a LOT of people pass out while taking shits! They crack their heads, wake up on the floor with shit all over them and it sounds like a bad time so don’t do it. One guy was taking a shit in the water and got stung by a Jellyfish.

Another guy started some shit at a bar and a fight spilled outside and while he was beating up a security guard he got hit by a car and shit his pants. You need to talk to your kids about poop. And another guy enema’d himself and unloaded on his girlfriends shower. Pooping is one of the most important things you will do in life and you need to make sure your poop is right. You need to let them know to be proud of each poop they take, knowing that that is hopefully the last they will ever see of the awful bastard who stretched out their anus momentarily. Might I offer up inventing a victory dance to do after every poop, complete with lifting the turd out of the toilet and spiking it back down in the bowl victoriously. Ok, I’m getting a little too loose and gross now so I’m going to go beddy bye now. Fuck off.

We are going to start off today’s recap exactly like TJES show started off today: With a massive shout out to motherfucking TOES! Toes, the stubby little fingers for hands that are responsible for balance, of which kooks wouldn’t be able to surf, skaters wouldn’t be able to skate and Jon Jones wouldn’t be able to knock bitches out. Ellis’ toes are doing alright these days, but he wants to give them a little TLC before he goes and gets a pedicure again. Kate Upton is super hot, but Tully and Ellis still aren’t impressed and think the only thing that could up her game would be if she had one glazed over stone dead eye. This sparked up a conversation about hot girls in school and how the hottest girl in school isn’t always the most beautiful. Sometimes they are only hot because they sprouted tits a little earlier than everyone else and high school guys are cuckoo for tits. Tully went to a concert last night where his friends country style band was playing even though he doesn’t like his type of music and his friend doesn’t like Retrofit. Anyway, Tully posted up with a drink and stared at hot chicks all night fulfilling the creepy dad position at the concert. He saw a group of hot chicks in little black dresses, and most of them were the blonde typical hot chicks and he wasn’t into them. But there was one angry looking Korean chick and Tully found that one to be the most attractive. Go figure eh? And no, I’m not saying Tully was scheming on bitches at a concert while his wife was away, he was just being creepy super dad and admiring from afar.

What is something someone would have to do to trick you into getting blown by them? I understand that is a hard question to wrap your head around, but that’s what Jason was asking. For instance, if Bob Barker burst into your house with a million dollars and 20 hot sluts, would you be too dazed from Barker’s entrance that you wouldn’t notice getting blown by the sluts? The winning scenario was if Barack Obama came up to you and said he needed to blow you for national security reasons, would you let him? (Brought to you by Tully). Well of course, you’d have to just for the story. Imagine one day you grandkid is working on a history assignment and asks you about Barack Obama and you reply: “Well, one time he took my entire schlong into his neck to protect this nation, so he’s alright with me.”

What makes someone choose to be a proctologist or an OBGYN? What about their own personal psyche makes them think they want to spend the rest of their lives being a hole doctor? Tully reckons they are just creepy and want to look at ruined vaginas and sick buttholes all day. The other two never really came up with any concrete reason for why they should. My feeling with hole doctors was always that they look at the demand for that particular field in certain areas and gauge what their salary could be and go from there. I think a few hundred thousand dollars a year is enough motivation to look at wrecked vaginas for just about any man.

Next, I’m pretty sure they did some get the clit off your box, but I missed all of it when my kid had to take a nap and my phone was indisposed. In 2007, Billabong was worth $3.5 Billion. Today, they are worth just about $0, filing for bankruptcy or something. This sort of thing happens though once your brand phases out of it’s cool phase and becomes more of a Target/Wal-Mart brand and people think it is lame.

This guy: Vulture Butt Water. He calls himself Vulture and shoots water out of his butt at parties for some reason. Seems like a good alternative for a clown.

Puppy Pregnancy Syndrome is where someone gets bit by a dog with rabies and somehow thinks they are pregnant with puppies and believe you are going to birth them out of your dick.

Ariel Helwani supposedly can’t ride a bike, but he might be able too, who knows.

PETA is a group of mental midgets, this time because they are protesting a Buffalo Wing eating contest, asking the organization putting on the event to not allow pregnant women to compete because one study said that eating chicken while pregnant with a boy can give your baby a small dick. At this point, PETA is basically the Westboro Baptist Church of animal rights groups. Their message has become so murky and clouded with the ridiculous and bizarre ways they choose to go public with their activism. They are less about being a group for the ethical treatment of animals, and more about being a group of celebrity clowns who occasionally show up mumbling some derisive bullshit that barely makes sense. Ellis summed it all up perfectly: When you go to a chicken and waffles place, just get the waffles. But sometimes, ya know, get the fucking chicken. Not all the time, but just a little chicken.

Ellis is going to a truck show this weekend, and he is taking the opportunity to get a little help for the Dog and his new Prius. Specifically, how he can get Divine 1 Customs to trick out his new little wind up car. Some of the better suggestions were to airbrush the car to make it look like you could see all of the mechanical parts on the inside of the car. Painting a mural of Thom Yorke having sex with a donkey. Maybe installing a system where everywhere he drives, the car makes Jetson’s sounds. This bit took up pretty much the last hour of the show, and there were so many good, and even more stupid suggestions that I can’t even think about re-capping it here. Check it out on demand or catch it on a best of one day.

Lastly, it is official and confirmed, Tera Patrick will be fighting the human windbag Sam Rubin at Ellismania: Pound for Pound. Worst case scenario, that douchebag gets the shit kicked out of him by MMA Sasquatch and he bites his tongue off so we don’t have to hear him talking over everyone ever again. Later folks, Tim bless you!

A what a day, but it’s just another day among days surrounded by even more days and what are words anyway? I’ve got a new favorite word: FIRED because the shithead who has been screwing up my work week by not showing up and throwing the whole work load on me is gone and now my dick is a little hard. Maybe I’m kind of a dick but fuuuuuuccckkkkk thattttt guyyyyyy.

Ellis opened the show talking about there are different ways you can make yourself die a little faster by doing rigorous shit to your organs and exercising hard. You don’t want to over pump your organs except for the ones that feel good. He brought up his dad’s drunk, fat friend Scottie who was always drunk and yelling BOOMSHAKALAKA and he lived in a little house out in the woods like the Hobbit. This lead into  a somewhat heated argument about life spans of Hobbits. Ellis was drilling Josh about how Hobbit’s die and Josh stumbled over some shit about Hobbit cancer, and Ellis said it was stupid. Josh brought up the good point that he was asking him about the nature of death with Hobbits and not wanting stupid answers. Most hobbits will just live for a long time but sometimes a troll comes for them and eats them.

Anyway, back to drunk ass Scottie, he once told Ellis about a time he did meth and shit and he was a crazy bastard who never took care of himself and he is still alive. But yet Jason’s dad wasn’t in the worst shape in the world and he died cycling up a hill. He wants to at some point in the future ride up that same hill when he is 53 to prove to himself he is in better shape physically and mentally than him at the same point. Somehow the conversation shifted over to Mexicans getting brain trauma playing soccer. Josh pointed out they hit the ball with their head and Jason jumped his shit saying there was no way that people got brain damage from heading a soccer ball. But then Tully looked it up and found the repetitive hits actually causes the brain damage, so BOOMSHAKALAKA for Josh. Which reminds me the only time I got KO’d playing soccer was during this tournament when my team wasn’t even playing and I was running around the playground and caught a parallel bar straight across the forehead and went out. Memories.

Tully went to another open house, which was a nice size and there were a few things that needed some work. Price tag: $1.5 million dollars. Which just made me happy to live in a place where I just bought a 1750 sq. foot house with a huge back/front yard and very little remodeling needed for $150,000. Boom! Rural!

Speaking of big purchases, great news! Josh has finally settled on buying a car! Bad news is that it’s a Toyota Prius C, and every caller under the sun called to tell him that car sucks. Tully found a Consumer Reports review of the car and they said it sucked really bad too. We all know though that Josh will just stick with whatever he wants, because WE ALL KNOW what Josh is trying to say to everyone by buying a Prius: That he is one of the superior, forward thinking people on the planet and he cares so much more than the guy in the SUV next to him. He needs to get a car with some flair, like a Prius painted like a fire truck and he can hang his head out of the window going WEE-OO-WEE-OO-WEE-OO. Or a Zamboni. That shit will be badass riding through the streets of Hollywood.

More big news, Ellis is going to be getting a Suzuki bike from Carey Hart’s sponsor and he is going to be part of the team! No more Kawasaki for him, which is going to be a tough conversation to have with Tiger who is a Kawasaki nutjob. I like to think one day Tiger will get sponsored by Kawasaki and cross every finish line with a big middle finger to Old Man Ellis in the crowd. It makes sense for Ellis to make the jump though, because Carey is his friend and he likes everyone at Suzuki and it also means he’s going to get CHADA REED GEAR! FUCK YEAH MOTO! Almost can’t contain myself. Woo moving on.

A recent study found that more successful people like small boobs and poor people like big boobs. And hungry people like bigger boobs than people who aren’t hungry and supposedly that says they want the boobs to be their mommy feeding them or some shit. Some German guy broke onto the German government plane and had a one man party, spraying the fire hydrant around and generally trashing the thing. Red Dragons, or Wolfknives or whatever the fuck we are saying these days.

Doug Benson was on the show for a brief period today, too short if you ask me. They talked about the documentary Blackfish which is about whales at Sea World and how shitty they treat them. A guy called in to say how he got tongued by a whale once. Cool story bro. They got into a new segment where people call in for advice and 2 people in the room have to answer him, one being a good cop, the other being the bad cop. SO a guy called in about how this girl gave him herpes and then they broke up, and he slept with another girl and got gonorrhea,  and then the chick who gave him herpes wants to get back together. His question was whether or not he should get back with herpes chick to give her gonorrhea as well, making him the most vindictive shit ever and it’s kind of awesome. Another guy called in because he and his girlfriend were going to college and are trying the long distance relationship thing. Lucky for him, the guys and Doug Benson were there to tell him she is going to be taking the biggest dick she could find one week into it and then she’d call you and be like “I just think we need to experience life while we are young, and it’s nothing against you” FUCKING BITCH WHORE……Moving on. Rounding out the segment, Ellis is really bad at good cop, Josh is bad at good cop, Tully and Doug are awesome at both. And before Doug Benson had to leave……PIZZA BURGERS!

I want you inside me. Hard.

Avenged Sevenfold was in the studio as well today, making two major guests on the show in one day, making up for weeks of nothing and diminishing everyone’s time on the show. They have a new album out next Tuesday called Hail To The King, and I’ve always loved those guys so you should too. They talked about some beef they have had with old school metal bands although they wouldn’t say who. And how there was drama with a guy from Megadeth because their bass tech was doing a sound check while Megadeth was performing. All I know is I saw A7X live once and they started the show by hanging a guy from the rafters and he just swayed there side to side while they played the first song and it was awesome so I like those dudes.

A7X left with about 14 minutes left in the show so there wasn’t a whole lot left to cover here. What can I say, a whole lot of show to cram into 4 hours means even more to cram into 1300 words, so really if you don’t like it you can suck my ass or check it out on demand. I’m not even sure you are real. Do you even read this? Do you just scroll to see pictures? Well SORRY I’m not heavier on photos, bitch. Why don’t you go fuck yourself huh? HUH?????? HELLO????

If I could paraphrase the modern philosopher Christopher Ashton Kutcher, Opportunity looks a lot like work, and you have to work to get sexy and be successful, so go out there and work your ass off and get sexy like Kelso!

My show notes are written on my hand because I was driving home for 2 hours at 630 so I apologize if something doesn’t make any sense whatsoever because my hands got sweaty and I ate some pizza and I can’t quite make out what some of it says. This recap will basically be like a watching a blind man painting a mural with his own feces, and you are my canvas.

So Ellis started talking about how he woke up early and went to go train, and he stopped at the pier to take a free poopy and he saw a guy there screaming insecurities at the ocean, and thought that could be some sweet therapy. I like to yell at the wild too, whenever I see your mom’s bush I make sure to scream “I AM TOO EASILY PERSUADED BY THE PROSPECT OF A WARM VAGINA!” More talk about the Tshirt contest, which ends tonight, so if this is your only warning you are shit out of luck. It is on Facebook.com/Ellismania though so copy and paste that shit because I’m not linking to anything tonight. Might not even recap the whole show. Might just take a shit on the floor and wait for my wife to step in it. Bottom line: Learn the internet, bitch.

Ellismania finally has a name! Drumroll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ellismania 9: Pound for Pound will be live at The Hard Rock October 12th. Thank you Dingo for uttering that epic idiocy. All seems to be getting handled awesomely and Ellis is trying to hook up some fights with possibly PLG and Eddie Wall I think. Rawdog might be fighting Nick Swardson but he needs to watch out for the Swardson Poopie Soaker attack if he loses because that guy likes to smear poop on people.

Dominic Monaghan is a dude from Lost and Lord of The Rings and he sent a bunch of texts to a chick saying how rich and successful he was and how much of a diseased skanky whore he was. Ellis totally called douche on him, but my impression of the story was that the chick was omitting all of her side of the conversation and trying to make it look like the famous guy was being a dick for no reason and she is going to get her “Sydney Leathers” day in the sun because she is nobody and the best thing that ever happened to her is a tertiary character from Lost insulted her in text form once.

Bruce Willis says he doesn’t want to do action movies anymore because explosions are played out or some shit. Fair enough, Die Hard, Die Hard 2, Die Hard 3, Die Harderer etc, Red, Red 2, Expendables 2. But he’s being a douche about it so stop listening to his dickishness.

We’ve done stuff with Rawdog, we’ve done stuff with Tully and now it’s time to do stuff with Ellis! Ellis isn’t too sure how to do stuff with computers but he sure as shit has some ideas about cars and boats and stuff. Woo! Recap. I pretty much didn’t catch the rest of the show because I got home and there were three chicks in my house talking about penises and orgasms and banging and I’m far more interested in that than this.

Follow Miesha Tate on Twitter if you have that.

How is relationship with your dick? Are you partners in crime, respected associates or arch enemies? A man’s life is often defined by the rapport that he has with his penis. You make a lot of big decisions with your dick, and it’s best for everyone to be on good terms when you decide to thrust yourselves out into the world. Jason has an ugly rivalry with his penis and it’s gotten him into more trouble than it’s got him out of for sure. That being said, Jason went to the doctor and got everything checked out and his dick is in perfect health. Which could be a bad thing considering all the havoc that thing can crop up. And the doctor was really thorough, checking inside of his bum and rolled back ol’ Ronnie for him to give a good going over.  Tully’s dick isn’t looking so hot these days, he’s still got that burning sensation when he pees and the general itching. He got his lab results back and they couldn’t find a fucking thing wrong with him, so he has to deal with the itchy burning feeling while he (and certainly all of us) waits on the test results. Tully was puzzling over his own relationship with his dick as he is well over a year into fatherhood now, and things just aren’t the same. Essentially, him and his dick just aren’t as great of friends as they used to be. Now that he has seen how his dick is capable of creating life, they just seem more like business associates and maybe don’t talk as much as they should. (Relevance)

Oh gurrrrllll

Skeletor is a weird looking motherfucker, he’s all skeleton head and muscles and latent homosexuality. Josh researched the mythos of He-Man and that shit is overly complicated but the jest of it is that Skeletor is a closeted homosexual who is in love with He-Man and has to get into He-Man’s closet to gain some ancient power. The kicker here is that all of He-Man’s powers lie within his sword. His long, hard pulsating sword. He-Man in a nutshell.

You know who sucks? Chris Brown. That dude is a bitch who beats up chicks and Rihanna is a dumb skank who runs back to them. Jason doesn’t want to mention them at all anymore and I have no problem not writing about them. So if you want to listen to the whole 30 some odd minute conversation on abusive relationships and Hollywood mind control and some other shit, get it on demand because that shit is too serious for a recap who just outlined He-man’s homo-erotic mythology.

A new game on the show today: Pendarvis reads off two movies and the guys have to muse about what the movie would be about if they collided in a Hollywood executive’s coked out mind. An example would be if Frankenstein met Top Gun, and then all of the pilots die in a fiery plane crash and they create a new pilot from all of their old parts but he is a terrible pilot who is afraid of flying so he freaks out and smashes people when they try to get him in the plane. I can’t rattle off all of the different ones they did but it will definitely be on a best of. Until then let’s picture if Romper Stomper met Magic Mike. And then Matthew Mcconaughey has to run through the streets in a G-string beating the shit out of people and teabagging their unconscious bodies.

Tully’s cat scratched his baby but he totally understands why. He tried to say that it wasn’t his cat because they inherited him when they moved into where they are. But let’s face it, the cat hit his kid and he said it was ok, it’s his cat. Most people want to live between the ages of 80-100 which is not surprising at all. Sylvester Stallone tweeted that Bruce Willis was out of Expendables 3 because he was greedy and lazy, and he is being replaced with Harrison Ford who is totally up to taking a break from getting drunk and stoned in his underwear all day. Also going to joining the cast are Wesley Snipes, Mila Jovovich, Jackie Chan and Nicolas Cage. Well, at least now they’ll be able to reference a few more shitty action movies for a cheap laugh.

Throughout the show, Gabe Ruediger was texting Ellis wanting to add rules to their fight at Ellismania 9 on Oct. 12th to which tickets are on sale now. Gabe wants to add clinching knee strike into the fight so “It’ll make it more exciting” (translation: so he has a better chance of winning on points) but Ellis isn’t having it. The clinch will just make for a hug fest, which we all know is saved for the after party. Gabe babbled on about how he still felt sketchy about the last fight with the whole deal about the different gloves and even went as far to say he wasn’t so sure Ellis didn’t have plaster in his gloves which is such bullshit. So this time around they are both going to have their hands wrapped ringside so everyone can see. Which brings us to the fact that Ellismania needs a name to put on the posters. So they turned it to the phones and twitter to find something good. Some of the highlights were Ellismania 9: Some Ting Wong, Ellismania 9: Rise of the Lycans, Ellismania 9: Or Whatever  and the possible winner and of course the greatest one of all Ellismania 9: No You Are!

Towards the end of the show, a guy called the show to tell Jason that his friend Ryan who was also a big fan of the show died a few days ago from an accidental gunshot wound. Ryan was a 24 year old Wolfknife known as Cumillionaire. I didn’t know him but I saw a few tweets of people who did and Jason even remembered how he made it rain on Malice during “The Reckoning” and it sounds like he was a solid dude. RIP Ryan, Ellisfam and Wolfknives salute you!

FInally, let’s end on a positive note and think about what it would be like if Armageddon met your Mom. A giant asteroid is heading towards earth and there is no way to stop it. Affleck, Willis and Buscemi all failed in their drilling expo and the apocalypse is nearing. However, a hero approaches and your mom spreads her greasy cankles up to her armpits and swallows that asteroid whole with her gaping vag where it was lost forever in the black hole between her thighs.