How is relationship with your dick? Are you partners in crime, respected associates or arch enemies? A man’s life is often defined by the rapport that he has with his penis. You make a lot of big decisions with your dick, and it’s best for everyone to be on good terms when you decide to thrust yourselves out into the world. Jason has an ugly rivalry with his penis and it’s gotten him into more trouble than it’s got him out of for sure. That being said, Jason went to the doctor and got everything checked out and his dick is in perfect health. Which could be a bad thing considering all the havoc that thing can crop up. And the doctor was really thorough, checking inside of his bum and rolled back ol’ Ronnie for him to give a good going over. Tully’s dick isn’t looking so hot these days, he’s still got that burning sensation when he pees and the general itching. He got his lab results back and they couldn’t find a fucking thing wrong with him, so he has to deal with the itchy burning feeling while he (and certainly all of us) waits on the test results. Tully was puzzling over his own relationship with his dick as he is well over a year into fatherhood now, and things just aren’t the same. Essentially, him and his dick just aren’t as great of friends as they used to be. Now that he has seen how his dick is capable of creating life, they just seem more like business associates and maybe don’t talk as much as they should. (Relevance)
Oh gurrrrllll
Skeletor is a weird looking motherfucker, he’s all skeleton head and muscles and latent homosexuality. Josh researched the mythos of He-Man and that shit is overly complicated but the jest of it is that Skeletor is a closeted homosexual who is in love with He-Man and has to get into He-Man’s closet to gain some ancient power. The kicker here is that all of He-Man’s powers lie within his sword. His long, hard pulsating sword. He-Man in a nutshell.
You know who sucks? Chris Brown. That dude is a bitch who beats up chicks and Rihanna is a dumb skank who runs back to them. Jason doesn’t want to mention them at all anymore and I have no problem not writing about them. So if you want to listen to the whole 30 some odd minute conversation on abusive relationships and Hollywood mind control and some other shit, get it on demand because that shit is too serious for a recap who just outlined He-man’s homo-erotic mythology.
A new game on the show today: Pendarvis reads off two movies and the guys have to muse about what the movie would be about if they collided in a Hollywood executive’s coked out mind. An example would be if Frankenstein met Top Gun, and then all of the pilots die in a fiery plane crash and they create a new pilot from all of their old parts but he is a terrible pilot who is afraid of flying so he freaks out and smashes people when they try to get him in the plane. I can’t rattle off all of the different ones they did but it will definitely be on a best of. Until then let’s picture if Romper Stomper met Magic Mike. And then Matthew Mcconaughey has to run through the streets in a G-string beating the shit out of people and teabagging their unconscious bodies.
Tully’s cat scratched his baby but he totally understands why. He tried to say that it wasn’t his cat because they inherited him when they moved into where they are. But let’s face it, the cat hit his kid and he said it was ok, it’s his cat. Most people want to live between the ages of 80-100 which is not surprising at all. Sylvester Stallone tweeted that Bruce Willis was out of Expendables 3 because he was greedy and lazy, and he is being replaced with Harrison Ford who is totally up to taking a break from getting drunk and stoned in his underwear all day. Also going to joining the cast are Wesley Snipes, Mila Jovovich, Jackie Chan and Nicolas Cage. Well, at least now they’ll be able to reference a few more shitty action movies for a cheap laugh.
Throughout the show, Gabe Ruediger was texting Ellis wanting to add rules to their fight at Ellismania 9 on Oct. 12th to which tickets are on sale now. Gabe wants to add clinching knee strike into the fight so “It’ll make it more exciting” (translation: so he has a better chance of winning on points) but Ellis isn’t having it. The clinch will just make for a hug fest, which we all know is saved for the after party. Gabe babbled on about how he still felt sketchy about the last fight with the whole deal about the different gloves and even went as far to say he wasn’t so sure Ellis didn’t have plaster in his gloves which is such bullshit. So this time around they are both going to have their hands wrapped ringside so everyone can see. Which brings us to the fact that Ellismania needs a name to put on the posters. So they turned it to the phones and twitter to find something good. Some of the highlights were Ellismania 9: Some Ting Wong, Ellismania 9: Rise of the Lycans, Ellismania 9: Or Whatever and the possible winner and of course the greatest one of all Ellismania 9: No You Are!
Towards the end of the show, a guy called the show to tell Jason that his friend Ryan who was also a big fan of the show died a few days ago from an accidental gunshot wound. Ryan was a 24 year old Wolfknife known as Cumillionaire. I didn’t know him but I saw a few tweets of people who did and Jason even remembered how he made it rain on Malice during “The Reckoning” and it sounds like he was a solid dude. RIP Ryan, Ellisfam and Wolfknives salute you!
FInally, let’s end on a positive note and think about what it would be like if Armageddon met your Mom. A giant asteroid is heading towards earth and there is no way to stop it. Affleck, Willis and Buscemi all failed in their drilling expo and the apocalypse is nearing. However, a hero approaches and your mom spreads her greasy cankles up to her armpits and swallows that asteroid whole with her gaping vag where it was lost forever in the black hole between her thighs.