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Big Fucking Mega Boat Review by Branden

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The story begins with our hero Skeet McRib, a Lebowski-esque hulk of a man, sitting and watching music videos with a bowl of cereal. His wild jew-fro, tattoos and painted fingernails suggest he has a secret. The secret is soon revealed that he is a lethal assassin who employs a group of ninjas to attempt to kick his ass every morning. To keep his skills sharp. He oozes manliness that seems to act as a pheromone for asian women.
Elsewhere, A bearded trillionaire jogs on a treadmill on his yacht. Seemingly an innocent exercise in good health at first, we then learn that this treadmill has a much more sinister purpose: to power and Malmorphanize his yacht into the evil Big Fucking Mega Boat.

Skeet McRib continues about his day, getting into his car pausing only to look at a picture of his best friend and lover, who we assume is passed because of the powerful emotion that comes over the face of this stone of a man. The audience’s heart sinks and you want to just reach out and punch him square in the dick. This powerful on screen moment is quickly interrupted by a malevolent looking bunny who jumps onto screen. You can see it in Skeet’s eyes that he has seen this bunny before. Skeet slams the accelerator and an epic car chase ensues that ends abruptly when Skeet outwits the bunny rabbit and bails out of his Porsche and lets it burst into flames as the rabbit follows and crashes his monster truck.

We cut to a priest, Radley Mancakes, standing in front of a church. There is regret in his eyes, as well as retribution. Skeet approaches and asks for Mancakes’ help. Skeet explains he is terrified of rabbits, and needs Radley’s help. Radley pulls out his big fucking mega gun and vows to help his dear friend, and we learn the dark past of the Mancake. However, Radley hears Skeet wrong and instead of hunting rabbits starts to hunt moose.
We cut to President Queefer Sutherland addressing the nation in a staunch and confident tone about the incoming threat of Big Fucking Mega Boat and assure the citizens that they have built their own Big Fucking Mega Boat and will deal with the problem…..His plan doesn’t work and the government’s boat was just not big or fucking enough to deal with the Big Fucking Mega Boat.

JägerBeard the pirate is lying washed up on a hollow sounding shore covered in vegetables. He looks like the kind of pirate that likes the taste of his own semen. Skeet approaches and Jäger Beard explains vegetables are his biggest fear.

Skeet has a flashback that reveals his lover to be Chad Kroeger. This is where the movie get out of hand in my opinion because the actor chosen to play Chad Kroeger is much too badass and manly to be Chad Kroeger. They say the devil is in the details, but Skeet and Chad share a passionate kiss and vow their love for one another right before Chad is mauled by a bunny rabbit. The movie pulled me back in here because I could totally see Kroeger getting killed by a bunny rabbit, along with his best friend Josh Koscheck.

The pieces fall together for Skeet a he realizes the BFMB uses your darkest fear against you. JägerBeard and Skeet decide to team up against the mega boat.
A fucking Moose, mate.

JägerBeard and Skeet speed through the water on high powered water machines, racing towards the BFMB. The BFMB senses the danger and fires vegetables and bunnies at the incoming threat, killing JägerBeard.

With his lame friend (who obviously didn’t care about helping the team out dead in the water) dead in the water Skeet boards the BFMB and infiltrates it’s lower levels. Skeet comes upon the sinister man from the beginning of the movie who reveals himself to be THE Pierce Johnson. Pierce and Skeet have a brief martial arts battle where the two come to a draw, knowing each other to be equals. Pierce reveals that he is not in fact the mastermind of the BFMB and the boat has a mind of its own.

Skeet emerges on the deck of the boat and seems victorious for some reason until he notices a small, but supple young breast in the waters. A big fucking tit rabbit emerges from the water and Skeet is forced to battle his biggest fear(message!). Skeet stabs the tit rabbit in the vagina and eats/tongue fucks the wound and thrusts his sword at the rabbit.
Dead Tit Rabbit. Chad Kroeger and JägerBeard are seen in the sky congratulating Skeet and letting him know it will be ok. JägerBeard sucks off Chad Kroeger with a feverish enthusiasm. Kroeger’s taken care of baby.
A fucking Moose mate. Cookie bomb. Moose.

That may have been longer than the script. Thanks for the laughs guys, hope I give you one or two.

Fuck your mother,

Branden (@CrackerStacker6)

Show Re-cap For Friday 10/5/2012

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Wanna learn to say words? You need to get accepted into college, son!

It’s Friday, your mom’s a cunt, Ellis did her, and Rawdog shit in her mouth. Tully’s out sick today, but more importantly, what the fuck is up with people eating bone marrow? Have you ever shit on the floor, just because you can? Other people have, because they’re fucked up in the brain. Ellis is getting Adrianne Curry to come on the show Tuesday, so you can look forward to that. Rawdog can’t pronounce French words for shit, which isn’t really surprising considering he fucks up his own native language on the daily. But really, who cares about other foreign languages? They all suck. No phones again for most of the show today, AT&T needs a good snowballing and get their shit together. Did you know Kid Rock was around for like 10 years before his first big hit broke? Yea, me neither. The Ellis children are lucky, Big Daddy Rape Cakes went out last night and bought them a 4-wheeler.

When Morpheus tells you, it’s time to listen up.

Katie, Cumtard, and Fletcher Dragge came onto the show today to help out since Tully is gone and there’s no phones. Ellis found a bunch of old CD’s that were his brother’s, Stevie, and inside were also some audio of the show before it was ever even really a show and he was basically a DJ playing songs for a long period of time and talking for just a few minutes. It was pretty funny to hear Ellis, he sounded way younger – and of course we didn’t get to hear much of it because he never likes listening to himself. If you think callers now days are bad, you should’ve heard the callers from back in the day – it almost makes you feel sorry for the callers. Katie’s more rad than I thought, she was talking about Ellis jizzing on Tully’s guitar while he’s playing it – because it make a different sound. Will watched Big Fucking Mega Boat last night and he said it made him feel like he was on acid and he laughed until he cried. Katie made a judgement call about Rawdog Teenage Jeff Goldblum, low and behold she was right, her assumption that Rawdog ZZ Top Testie doesn’t groom his package was true, it’s been months since he’s groomed down below.

Hello, this is dog. Fletcher, you got some crazy stories.

Ellis is still trying to get Rawdog to put the fleshlight in between his legs and Katie said she’d lick his fake cookie if he did it. The verdict? Nope, he’s still not going to do it. Fletcher told a story of a dude that hooked up with some chick, he wanted her to go home with him and her girlfriends were not having and wouldn’t let her go. Next day she wakes up with a rash on her face and goes to the doctor, doctor tells her to not move, he has to go call the cops. The rash on her face is from a certain type of disease that is caused by cannibalism. DAYUM! Some roadie dude for Pennywise, who has Hepatitis C and HIV, stabbed Fletcher in the foot with this pen, trying to freak him out like he had just given him the gift of death. DAYUM, DAYUM! Fletcher doesn’t like TMZ and Harvey Levin, so he see’s one of the TMZ dude’s with long blonde hair around his town and wearing a Pennywise shirt, so he comes up with an idea to grab a pair of scissors and go up to the dude and cut his precious locks. His friend talked him out of it, knowing that he’d get sued to shit, but he still wants to punch anyone who is associated with TMZ and Jared Leto.

Hate Cumtard as much as you want, but he’s a team player.

Tera Patrick came in to play tits I mean a game, everyone filled out a questionnaire and based on their answers, she selects the one she thinks would be the most datable. Hey, did you know her tits I mean dad is a wine maker? Did you know she used to tits I mean bang Everlast before she married that dirtball, Evan, from Biohazard? Anyway, let’s get back to the tits I mean game. After going through all the answers and tallying up the results, the winner originally was tits I mean Katie, but she got booted from competition, so it ended up being Fletcher. The prize was Tera Patrick’s fleshlight, but Cumtard looked so giddy and drunk that Fletcher presented the prize to him. Some Canadian’s worked their beady little eyes into the studio, they’re fans of the show and I guess just stopped by to say hi and get their copy of “I’m Awesome” signed by Ellis. Guess who finally tucked their junk and took a picture with a fleshlight pussy between their legs? Not Rawdog, but Cumtard! So I heard one time that your dad walked into your mom’s bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Your mom was lying in bed reading. You dad said, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” Your mom replied, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.” So you dad said, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.” OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/4/2012

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‘Murica! Fightin’, fuckin’, arrestin’, smokin’, snortin’, shootin’ All that cool shit.

It’s 10-4, good buddies! Breaker, breaker, we got an ass shaker at mile marker fuck you. Ellis has been teaching Katie how to do a somersault off the diving board and into the pool, apparently she’s pretty bad at them. You know how Travis Pastrana wanted to fight Dave Mirra? Yea, well, now Pastrana’s wife doesn’t want him to fight Mirra because she’s scared for Mirra. Tully was going to enter FMX at X-Games, but his wife didn’t want him to because she was scared he would embarrass Pastrana. As Tully says, excuses are like assholes, they are delicious. Ellis had to call the po-po yesterday, he was picking up Snook from school and some little drunk Mexican dude came up to him talking gibberish. Dude was sketchy and trying to talk gibberish to other parents and kids, Ellis called the cops and told them what was up, 2 hours later the cops call Ellis and essentially were like, “so, what were you saying again?” Rawdog thinks it’s because the police like to fuck with people and cherry pick calls, but Tully feels like they’re just busy fighting crime and shit. Also, there was some debate over whether Superman could impregnate a chick or the chick could even have the baby.

I’ve looked into the faces of Hell.

Some professional boxer came out of the closet and announced he was gay, and then he came on his trainer’s face. Okay, that last part was a complete lie, sorry ’bout that. People are now able to watch Big Fucking Mega Boat on EllisMania.com, so go check that out if you wish. Lightening Train got put on the spot today, he’s charged with not answering phone’s enough, not correctly, and not at the right times. He had to come into the studio and take calls while the guys were there to witness, right away he fucked up the first call, which was about the movie “Gummo” and Ellis eating spaghetti in a bathtub. Remember the conjoined twins that were talked about yesterday? Of course you do, allegedly there’s a picture of them blowing a dude, and yes, it is photoshopped. Sounds like Shoebox really hated Rawdog at first, everyone gets along now way better, but nobody really bothers to disagree with Shoebox anymore because they don’t feel the ensuing fight would be worth it. Tully says he treats each D!D!D! performance as his last, because it has potential to be the final one.

Time for the reverse awards, listeners got to help suggest potential award categories and even some nominees for this year’s categories. There are a bunch of categories and a bunch of nominees, I’m not going to list them all out. Voting isn’t done, so you can still vote for all that shit until at least tomorrow’s show if not over the weekend. While drilling your mom one day, she wanted to get freaky and asked me to strangler her. I wasn’t really into it at first, but curiosity got the best of me. That’s when I found out which organ in the female body remains warm after death. My cock. OH!

Whatever it is that you are saying, it means nothing!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 10/3/2012

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Young Rawdog playing the role of “The Kid” in his remake of Purple Rain

New Death! Death! Die! song before the show started today, called “In The Water” and it was a stone cold gas, my grandchildren. Ellis is ready to get his kids some motorized shit, like maybe a little 50 cc bike or a quad or something, he just has to find massive helmets for their massive domes. He wants them to be around moto, the outdoors, life, fires, animals, and nature and shit. I’m pretty sure all parents want their kids to enjoy being active outside in one way or another, I mean, except Rawdog’s parents apparently – because he can’t ride a bike. It’s hip to be square cool to be gay, and now people are waiting to see when kids will start pretending to be gay because it’s so cool, even though they are not gay – like how suburban white kids try to act all ghetto and gangster. Hey, are you into moisturizer and tight jeans, are you a metrosexual? Are you sure you don’t just want to watch soap suds flowing through the crack of a dude’s ass? DING!

Double rainbows make Wolfknives cry

We got to hear some Conjoined Twins-tallica, Double Rainbow-tallica, and I’m Gonna Cut Off My Mother’s Tits-tallica today – the consensus was that the overall best one was Double Rainbow-tallica. You know what all that spawned? Half a metric fuck ton of calls with the same two useless comments about the double rainbow dude, as well as other calls from bitch-ass ass-bitches with similarly shitty-poop poop-shit comments. Everyone on the show has seen the movie Death Becomes Her, but only Rawdog saw it in a weird way, it’s just the way he watches things… weirdly. Tully thinks I should start keeping track of how many times Rawdog complains because apparently I have nothing better to do. And he’s mostly correct, the problem is that I can only count to #FuckTully HAHAHAA! I’m a slayer of things that I make up and find funny but nobody else does! It’s a gift.

Somebody will be going to hell for this one, and it could be you

Hey, lucky us, we missed NMT yesterday. And that luck got ran the fuck over with a dump truck full of cancer and AIDs (otherwise known as CAIDs) when we got NMT on the show today. Rawdog did however throw us all for loop when he first stated that he was going to play a new Tragically Hip song, and instead he finally played a song from Tully’s album, Retrofit. But don’t let that fool you, Rawdog still hates Tully, Ellis, Will, the show, fruit, and all of us.

An impressively racist Canadian Mountie called into the show to share his super secret information on how he tends to racially profile people because of their color. It shouldn’t have surprised anyone listening, but I like to pretend there’s at least 1 person living under a rock that had their mind blown. Everyone would like to start smoking weed legally, which is nothing new, people have wanted this freedom for a long time. Hopefully we get to see it legalized in our lifetime, but I’m not holding my breath. I don’t trust people in general, much less the gubment.

An offer went out to Rawdog from some dude that supposedly works in corporate for McDonald’s. He’s offering Rawdog 1 year’s worth of free McDonald’s to take the fleshlight picture we’ve all been looking forward to for 2 days. If anything is going to convince Rawdog, I assume it’s 365 McNugget combo meals. Keep your fingers crossed. Just so you know, you’ll have to uncross your fingers at some point, because how else are you going to ram your fist into your mom’s cavernous pussy when she’s horny and has no other takers? OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 10/1/2012

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Rawdog’s general message to everyone during the weekends

It’s fucking October already? Next think you know, it’ll still be October – freaky, right? First up on the show today was Dingo, sans Momma Dingo, he was a few minutes late because he was busy creeping on the casting line-up for the hot chick agency next door. Sounds like he’s got an ingrown toenail growing, aka hammer time, which sucks. Ellis has a bunch of video and pictures to put up on EllisMania.com from his pool party, he just has to review it all before it starts going up. He had to kick some sky diver dude out of the party for being a dick side burn. He also might have broke his toe or something while he was trying a Triple Lindy, made famous by Thornton Melon. Rawdog was there, he got really high and forgot to send Dingo an iPhone recording of the Big Fucking Mega Boat movie that was screened at the pool party – which really means that he hates Dingo. Tully, the only clear thinking adult there, gave Ellis a record player and records as a housewarming gift.

Rawdog’s most likely candidate for his horse

Hey, Tully has a disease, it’s called Dupuytren’s Disease! Chalk that one up as something else Tully has and you don’t. The guys started planning to go on a horse ride, but alas, they have no rope – so now they’re planning on taking a boat ride. Speaking of boats, Dingo’s conspiracy theory is that the Titanic never sank, it was actually another boat that sank and was all about an insurance scam. Take that James Cameron! Everything is being automated these days, and sometimes that shit is awesome and sometimes it is not. There you go, solid, opinionated reporting is what we do here. Some dude that works at Avon Chateau Lake Louise wants Ellis and everyone to come up and do a show for all 6 of the oil sands workers up in Alberta. What is it with callers saying “I’m the guy in (insert state / province here), like Ellis is going to say, “oh yeah! Fuck, it’s been so long, how have you been?” What’s the deal with that, huh?

Your mom has shit in her coochie

Drew Barrymore shat out a child, Olive, with some art consultant dude. And just for the record, if Tully and his wife ever have a female child, it too will be named Olive. And they totally stole that idea from Drew, because they’re massive Drew Barrymore fans. Junk food eating game today, the guys can see what they’re eating (burgers, fries, & nuggets), but have no idea where it’s from, and they have to describe and rate it as they eat it – and then guess where it’s from. Cumtard came in with the results, sounds like Jack In The Box won the taste test, minus their nuggets that smelled like dirty socks. Staying true to form, Rawdog now hates everyone that has anything to do with the show because he likes a Paul F. Tompkins podcast way, way, better. Some Valerie chick who I assume is Ellis’ publicist popped on the show for a few minutes, she sounds like a pretty cool chick and surprise, I want to see her boobs and it sounds like Ellis wants to bone her. Two weeks from now, the show will be on vacation for 1 week, so don’t be surprised when you hear replays of the show in two weeks. Also, don’t be surprised if you start seeing wads of bloody toilet paper strewn about the house, instead of your typical feminine hygiene products, your mom has been stuffing her twat with toilet paper while she’s on her period. OH!