2013

Posted on June 10, 2013 by bitPimps 中

No matter how fugly you are, somebody loves you!

The calendar say’s it is Monday, but who really knows – it’s all made up and you’re still implanted in the Matrix – shooting hot wads out of your moist dick. Also, if you’be been following the news at all, go ahead and say hello to the NSA, they’re already very familiar with you and your antics. Wankers and Wankettes might soon be on TJES street team, handing out stickers and shit – but probably not, because they both suck. So actually, don’t even bother looking for that at all. Character is better than looks, because if you have character, bitches can look past your hideously, grotesquely flawed features. The Gracie’s will not only teach you jiu-jitsu, they’ll teach you life lessons – that’s right, you can earn your black belt in life and rub your balls all up in life’s face! Why do people consider the 1950’s the “golden age” and the best time in America? Is it because they are racists? Why was Happy Days such a big hit? And why isn’t now considered the best time in America? Nobody ever shot hot wads in the 50’s, but they sure as fuck do now. Dave England, of Jackass fame, called in to give his 2 shits on the subject, but Ellis didn’t believe it was really him. Welp, looks like it really was him, whoops! Speaking of the 1950’s, here’s a masturbation PSA from 1975, where Ricky’s mom catches him masturbating. Rawdog went to LA’s gay pride festival over the weekend, he saw a dude on all fours in a dog mask, barking at another dude on all fours. You probably can’t appreciate the image that sentence creates in your mind, but it’s going to have to do because Rawdog didn’t take a picture or video of it. But, never fear, Ellis was there for 6 seconds and saw a firetruck full of gay dudes. And guess what? He made a Vine of it so you don’t have to wonder what that might look like. You know what’s better than McDonald’s french fries? Oreo cookies, liquor, and blow jobs.

No, this wasn’t meant for Rawdog.

Hollywood news time, kids! Kobe Bryant and his mom said something to each other, the rapper 2 Chainz crew are cockroaches, Justin Bieber’s fucking stupid, Erin Brockovich drunk on a boat and stuff, Burger Ellis has turned into a woman, Russell Brand can’t talk no more, Amy Schumer might overeat, and John Malkovich is really a super hero. And there you have it, your in-depth coverage of Hollywood news as brought to you by the leader’s in Hollywood news! MMA news time, childrens! Fabricio Werdum submitted Antônio Rodrigo Nogueira by yelling “your mom” jokes at him (according to Rawdog). Thiago Silva defeated Rafael “Teijao” Cavalcante, I think in a more manly fashion and not be yelling loudly at his opponent. Mark Hunt underwent surgery for the infected hematoma in his leg after his loss to Junior dos Santos. BJ Penn wants to come back as a lightweight while Dana White wants him to quit, because gosh darn it, Dana cares. Also, the “BJ” in BJ Penn’s name doesn’t stand for any of the following: Baby Jesus, Blow Job, Baby Job, Black Jew, Brazzer’s Job, or Beef Jerky. Now you know.

Yes, this was meant for Rawdog.

Aubrey Marcus from OnnIt™ was on the show after the break to talk about Tully’s parking ticket that he got today and to help get Rawdog even more ripped than he already is, and to get him on a healthier eating regiment. Aubrey was warned about how Rawdog thinks about food, but he was still blown away at what Rawdog likes and dislikes when it comes to food. But the fun didn’t stop there, he was introduced to Rawdog’s pill taking technique, or anti-pill taking technique, as he witnessed a miracle in studio when Rawdog tried to swallow a pill and it mysteriously ended up back in the water bottle and not down his gullet. He had originally brought in 14 pills that Rawdog was going to be taking, but after finding out about his “small throat”, he revealed a powdered version of another supplement that tastes like plastic watermelon – right up Rawdog’s alley! Waka Flocka Flame ate someone’s baby, or saved someone’s life and broke up their marriage, or something like that. I don’t really know, it kind of went in one ear and out the other, so here he is recording his backup vocals, it’s so bad it’s funny.

The WNBA is as American as…

Tully knows someone who was so into Bryan Adams that they would travel the country going to his shows, and he wasn’t talking about @mike_in_canada, which defies logic – there can only be one. Nothing counts when it comes to the WNBA, those games didn’t even happen, according to Tully. They are worthless and not real and he’d be more interested in seeing a woman in professional baseball than the women in the WNBA just throwing a basketball over and over at a net and never making a basket. This stirred up a bit of a frenzy as if chumming shark infested waters, but that’s Tully (hilarious) and he defended his position until the bitter end. Which reminds me of a story. A nun was walking through the park when a man jumped out, pulled her into the bushes and raped her. After he was through, he asked her what she was going to say in confession. She said, “I’m going to tell the truth. A man jumped out, pulled me into the bushes and raped me twice – unless you’re too tired.” OH!

Straight Talk With Anal Gay-Lewis (aka Anthony Sandoval)

Posted on June 10, 2013 by bitPimps 中

The @NoYouAre_RDS crew had an opportunity to have a Q & A session with Anthony Sandoval (aka: Anal Gay-Lewis, @AntASandoval), an intern for The Jason Ellis Show, a few questions to help get to know him better. By definition, interns don’t last long and the show has gone through many of them. This marks the first intern that NYA has bothered to get to know, and here’s what we chose to ask.

You clearly have been more brazen than most interns in the recent month or so, why is that? Is that you trying to be “in line” with the show, you being a little frustrated, or what?
It’s a bit of both. As an intern and a fan of TJES I definitely want to provide entertainment and leave my mark on the show as previous interns have done. But when I fail to do my job effectively I feel like I have let the show down and I am wasting their time, so I get frustrated for not doing my job. I’m guilty of trying too hard is all. Things have been getting easier for me and I’m being put in charge of a lot more important things so I feel more useful and less frustrated. The most important thing to do when working with Ellis and the crew is to give them space to do their thing and assist them when called upon to do so, do not try to force your whacky ideas onto the crew and instead send them over to Dom, if the idea flops he’ll get yelled at for it and it’ll be hilarious on the air. Entertainment and contribution? Check and check.

Could you see the guys letting you come back to the show from time to time? Would you want to come out of the closet on the show?
I would hope so. I really want to do my best to be a source of entertainment on the show and be somewhat memorable. I learned a lot about what to expect, how to react, and how to carry myself on the show. I would certainly volunteer myself for fan contests to come into the studio and do stunts for prizes, and If Ellis wants me to fight in an EllisMania I would certainly do that too. Needless to say the next 3 months will be easier for me as opposed to my first 3 months. Needless to say the next 3 months will be easier for me as opposed to my first 3 months. If called upon to do so I will come out as a gay 6’3” man-boy.

You’ve become quite the Top Dog among the interns, how do you plan on readjusting to real life when you won’t be any more important than the white speck atop chicken shit?
The whole “Head Intern” thing was given to me by Will because he wanted Jetta and Team Punishment to know what they had to do on the first day rather than constantly ask Will things like how to throw away a box (an actual Team Punishment question). I didn’t have an “Anal Gay Lewis” to answer my questions show me the ropes and list the things that I should and shouldn’t do so I wouldn’t fuck up as much. I had Fruitler…but he just sat around and kept bragging about the recent show at the Whiskey A Go-Go he went to and how much he and his friends love to get fucked up every night, so I was pretty much by myself. For my future my experience being an intern at SiriusXM and for the best show on Satellite will definitely look great on my resume so I’ll probably get a job in broadcasting in San Francisco or some smaller market, I applied for a few jobs with SiriusXM too so we’ll see. As for the chicken shit part of the question…At least I’ll be the TOP speck on the pile! WOOOOO!

During your time on the show so far, what has been your most memorable experience? Funniest bit you’ve heard?
The Tiger Box Rehearsal. Me singing Danzig’s “Twist of Cain” while getting groped by four women? No fucking contest. The Funniest bit I have ever listened to was Dom’s Shocking Movie Lines who could forget the classic movie line as interpreted by Dom. “I feel the neeeeeed the neeed for sp-p-p-eeeeeeeeeeeeeed! ah fuck my spine it’s shocking my spine!” -Dom

Why do you hate Tully so much?
Apparently getting Tully a medium coffee instead of a small is the ultimate “Fuck You” when it comes to intern-show staff etiquette my bad Bro-ham! I don’t hate him personally, off the air he is the nicest guy I have ever met. Even when he tries to be a dick he would say things like “Excuse me would you please get lost for a few minutes?” there is no being mad at the guy. He’s fantastic on the air too! C’mon his razor-sharp wit, flawless logic, and bottom-less store of references are certainly things to be envious of, but not things to hate him for. Anybody who hates Tully for being smart obviously likes to drink wine.

Do you feel like the brand of humor on the show has in any way affected how you approach writing jokes for your stand-up career?
Their more direct approach to humor is certainly good for both radio and stand-up. While more long form stuff would only work for a captive audience at say…the Jambalaya in Arcata (a recent venue I performed at on 5-28-13….not bragging) they would be more likely to listen to a story about how Taco Bell is for masochists who love diarrhea, rather than a radio audience does not have the attention span for that. Doing comedy on the radio is waaaaaay different than being on a stage. I could try to do more short jokes with better pay off at the end but I’m still very much used to doing long form stories. Keep in mind I’m a beginner at stand-up (1 and a half years total) so I’m supposed to suck at it, no one can become George Carlin overnight unless you’ve bitten by a Resurrected George Carlin lycanthrope then by laws of nature when a full moon rises you do in fact become Geroge Carlin overnight! I will say that bombing on the air while millions of people were listening definitely made performing on stage in front of a few people for 10 minutes much easier. Thanks?

A while back the guys asked what order they would be in for the world’s greatest pterodactyl. Which two would get the hands and who would get the mouth in your perfect pterodactyl with the Jason Ellis show crew?
Rawdog would be the mouth and Ellis and Tully would be the wings. In order for the Pterodactyl to even achieve flight and survive it would need two strong wings (Ellis, and Tully) and while Rawdog is not very intimidating it’s perfect because he would lure his prey into a false sense of security then eat his prey while it was too busy laughing at his giant bush baby eyes.

Thanks for reading and stay Anal!
Anal Gay Lewis
Spring 2013/Summer 2013 Intern for The Jason Ellis Show, 6’3″ Weirdo, and CEO of “40 Minute Chicken Sandwhich Productions” (does not exist)

Shout out to Anthony for taking the time to answer our questions and for being such a good sport about it! Wish him good luck with his stand-up comedy and with his next adventures in life. In case you want to hear more about his internship from his own words, see his post on the SiriusXM Intern Blog.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/3/2013

Posted on June 3, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Your face now that Ellis back.

Welcome back you 4 or 5 other people! The longest 2 weeks wait of your lives is over now that TJES is back in action. We tried to keep you entertained with a massive contest, so hopefully that helped you get your fix. But now it’s time to get back to business as usual and see what happened on the show today. It’s like fucking an old horse for Ellis, he’s just gonna stick it right back in that horse socket and ride like he knows how. He’s also part Samurai, he is not any more Brazilian however, it didn’t fit into his schedule during the break. Dingo went to the outback for a little over a week and had some big news about Prime Minister Huge-Tits is touring and has had no less than 2 sandwiches thrown at her. Why sandwiches? I guess because she’s touring schools, and kids have sandwiches, and special kids like Rawdog, have “sammies”. Which begs the question, what’s the deal with school kids in Australia being into politics? Am I right?

Meet the new Rawdog!

Rawdog is looking for spas, specifically for a “couples massage” that he and that chick Karla, with the big areolas can go to together. Get this though, that other chick that had mushrooms to party with and never offered him any? Yeah, she likes Rawdog and they slept together, then all 3 of them went out to dinner and the 2 chicks made out with each other! WHAT. IN. THE. BLUE. FUCK?! In 2 weeks he’s banging to 2 bitches at the same time and swinging a three way? Champion! Ellis met somebody during the break as well, one that he was totally skeptical of, but it seems to be on the up and up so far. Tiger has become full on into moto now, while Snook has pretty much retired from moto. And his ex-wife has broken up with her boyfriend, so overall – the past two weeks have been amazing! Except for Tully, who did not get a new girlfriend, did not go to Australia, and did not make-out with multiple chicks. Instead, he went to the zoo and watched a bunch of chimps eat their own shit. Poor Tully. This spawn some discussion at length about eating shit, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around Rawdog being a god damned pimp now, so just let that marinade in your head for awhile instead of shit eating talk.

Becoming a trash can isn’t normal. But on meth it is.

In crystal meth history news, Nazi’s were all on meth. They pretty much invented a precursor to meth and used it as a war drug and administered something like 35 million doses of it to the troops, including Hitler. Many of the soldiers had created suicide or died of heart failures because they were so wigged out. Speaking of Nazi’s, TJES gained 2 new interns today, one is 19 and the other is 23 and believe it or not, both are into music and radio, and one of them was on college radio – like PimpDog. The 19 year-old refers to people older than him as “kids” which is just as stupid as it sounds, and the other one tried to crack a joke, and we all heard how well that went with the last intern, Anthony (aka Anal Gay-Lewis). Sounds like Anthony has become the king of the interns as he’s already took it upon himself to tell the new interns to make sure the talent is well hydrated and to gaze into Ellis’ eyes with a look of longing. The interns were asked what they like about the show. Both agreed they liked that the word “fuck” was mentioned so many times, and they also like Ellis’ catch phrase “fuck yeah” – that apparently nobody in the world knew was his catch phrase, except them. Somehow, this led us into Amanda Bynes and how she looks like Andy Milonakis if he were to get into CrossFit training.

Rawdog when he gets to read Justin Bieber’s name!

In case you missed it Friday, Little Miss Ellis Show winner @johnnywaffels had his fucking apartment burn down, he and his girlfriend are safe, but needed a place to stay and some help. Some kick ass EllisFam were able to come to their aid and help with what they could, so shout out to all them. Thankfully, both are alright and most of their import items were saved. TJES show replays will be starting up tomorrow morning, 6AM West coast time, and with that – Will brought in some promotional items he had order over a year ago – Jason Ellis jizz rags / bar towels! Hollywood news time and Justin Bieber was mentioned again for he and his friends speeding through the neighborhood in his Ferrari. In one of the incidences, Justin Bieber was chased by Keyshawn Johnson (in his Prius), who blocked his car in while Justin ran inside the house and wouldn’t come out. Handling it like a big boy, hiding and calling mom. Apparently his neighbors are banding together and plan to stop paying their home owner’s association fees in order to get something done about Bieb’s & friends. Michael Douglas says he got throat cancer from licking Catherine Zeta-Jone’s toxic box and also says the cure to his cancer was to continue licking her HPV pouch. Scott Weiland was kicked out of Stone Template Pilots again and replaced with Chester Bennington of Linkin Park fame. And completely out of left field, Brad Pitt is set to star in a video game called Dark Void. He says so many people hate him because he doesn’t remember people, saying he’s face blind. Ray Manzarek, keyboardist of The Doors died recently on May 20th and according to Rawdog, he was the cool one from the band. Philip Seymour Hoffman said he just got out of rehab for heroin and pills, he had been clean for 23 years, started doing drugs for a week or so and decided he better get his ass into rehab before he started to become a real life version of his character Scotty J from Boogie Nights. Adam Levine got in a little trouble when he was heard off camera saying, “I hate this country.” Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are having a girl, fully grown, in a band, and with an eating disorder – or so one might suspect.

The new interns came back in for their rendition of Amanda Bynes news. They were quizzed by the guys about the news and basically presented all news items related to her in the past several months. But enough about them, we’ll get to know them more some other time. Welp, too bad. I made the mistake of installing a new battery backup unit after this weekends tornados and it caused me to miss the remaining 30-45 minutes of the show. But whatever, you’ve got all the important and most of the unimportant details. Basically, all that isn’t in this recap is some final calls and some discussions that weren’t nearly as important as Rawdog slinging cream on 2 different chicks – at the same time! Also, I think I might have broken a rib or two late last week, so I’m all mad over here. Have yourself a good night and you stay classy EllisFam. Speaking of classy, here’s fucking Tupac with fucking Kiss.

Fuck you, I’m out!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/15/2013

Posted on May 15, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Who’s more annoying? This European man or Dom? NYA presents, you make the call!

Hello, my name is bitPimps and I’ll be your captain today. We’ll be cruising at an altitude of fuck your mother, our travel time is whenever we fucking get there, so sit back, relax, and whip your tits out. Sounds like Tully’s wife is a champion swearer. She likes dropping the F bomb around the house like some oil rig worker… on an oil rig and stuff. Burger Ellis has a shitting problem, like a bad one. He shit on his own ass, leg, and it got on Big Daddy Jayce Cakes’ fresh out of the package shirt! Dom got a bit of a ass chewing today for being 2 weeks late with some props for the punishment envelopes and for having excuses worse than what a 6 year-old could make up. He said it was because he’s working on getting a budget for the mostly free things on his list, and waiting on Sirius for a whopping $150 bucks. I’ll have to admit, emailing corporate for $150 looks pretty fucking dumb, but what the hell do I know. If you had to get a skin graft on your nose, where would you want the skin harvested from your body to re-create your nose? Rawdog chooses ass, Ellis chooses the inside of his leg, and I’m choosing the bottom of my foot because that sounds gnarly.

Stop eyeballing me, son!

Will came in with a jolly “hi” and to play some “you sir, are a moron” and have a few yuks. What is the minimum amount of showers a person can take in a week and it be acceptable? Maybe not so surprisingly, Rawdog thinks you can get away with a shower every other day, and he’s got the ball stink to prove it. What about spray tans? Everyone seems to be in agreement that the sun is better, men should never do it, and women can get away with a touch-up here and there. But that shit better be in small amounts and good enough that people don’t know it’s spray-on tan. Of the seven deadly sins, which is the worst? Who the fuck knows, none of them agreed. What is the best way to get out of a speeding ticket? Be apologetic and polite. If you had to get rid of a dead body, who on the show staff would you call? Everybody chose Ellis, without hesitation. And who is the last person associated with the show that you’d call to help get rid of a dead body? Once again, without hesitation, everyone agreed Rawdog – you’re better off just calling the police. Do you ever feel bad about killing an insect? Rawdog says no. Ellis has before. And Tully doesn’t just doesn’t give a shit. What is the most uncool musical instrument? Easy, a harp, and of course Rawdog had an “awesome” song ready to listen to. What’s the sexiest piece of clothing a woman can wear? Boy shorts & my dick. What country has the worst food? Rawdog doesn’t like Mexican food, Ellis doesn’t like fast food. But let’s just any place that serves raw squid and shit like that. What is the world’s most annoying sound? Ellis says Dom, just him existing. Rawdog says nails on a chalkboard. Tully says the sound of people eating. What is the most annoying accent? German, Canadian, and that super twangy Asian accent. Who is the creepiest celebrity in history? Charlie Sheen took the prize, with R. Kelly and Hugh Hefner as close runner’s up.

David Bowie is pleased to hear this.

In odd things to fuck news, some dude in Sweden was found dead because he tried fucking a hornets nest. Some dude from South Dakota was arrested for masturbating in someone’s backyard, and they found tapes of him fucking traffic signs. Some dude in England was arrested after people saw him having sex with a post lamp. And to top it all off, some dude in Hong Kong was fucking a hole in a metal park bench, he got his dick stuck and had to be rescued. They tried to use needles to drain the blood from his still erect dick, it didn’t work so they had to cut away parts of the bench to get this crazy bench fucker to the hospital. Hollywood news time, Tupac hologram has been shot! Nah, just kidding. That was a Tully joke. This years Rock The bells festival will feature Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Eazy-E holograms, word on the streets is there will be a cease fire between the holograms. Andy Dick and Jennifer Gimenez have been dating for a couple months and she swears he is not gay, even though he admitted on the show that he was dating guys exclusively previous to his current relationship. A Taylor Swift fan was arrested after swimming up to her Rhode Island beach house, actually about a mile away from her house, but whatever – he got arrested. Kim Kardashian bought Kayne and $750k Lamborghini, and then the electric gate at her house closed on the car before it could be delivered. Neener-neener-neener! Jaden Smith doesn’t want an emancipation from his parents, he’ll live there until he’s old enough to buy his own house, which I’m guessing he’s waiting to turn 16 for. Angelina Jolie said she will now have her ovaries removed as a precautionary measure, making her one step closer to a Terminator. Rod Stewart said steroids made his pee-pee shrink, no word on what’s up with his face though. Metallica, taking a page out of Katy Perry’s playbook, has a 3D movie coming out called “Through the Never.” It’s part concert film, part movie, and all out fucking ~~metal~~ stupid. Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine donated $70M for a new USC academy, leaving one to wonder if the Dr. Dre wing of the dorms will be like Compton.

Better recognize, bitch!

Hey, are you fat? Good news, just eat insects and you’ll be A-Okay! Ladies and gentleman, we have started our decent, please get on your knees, open your mouth, and stare up at me with a look of longing. Anal Gay-Lewis, who is a sultry 21 years-old, got given a test of how much 90’s knowledge he had. Turns out, more than anyone thought! Although he didn’t know what group/s Eazy-E was in, or what Milli Vanilli is most famous for, he did know who Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez was and most of the other questions. With this knowledge, it landed him the producer spot and quickly began to bark orders for Dom to go get him an iced coffee and pizza. And just as quickly as he became producer, he was then fired and set back to intern status after not listening, at all really, to Ellis. This pretty much led us into final calls and few other tiny morsels, but nothing all that noteworthy. But, before you de-board the plane, make sure you pick up all your fucking shit and shit, because my drunk ass will be banging the shit out of the hot stewardess that’s been flirting with all flight and I don’t want any interruptions! So now, I’ll leave you with this little bit of knowledge. How do you know when a girl is too young? When you have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/13/2013

Posted on May 13, 2013 by bitPimps 中

No really, did you miss me? Is Dom dumb? Think you got a shot with Katie?

OMG! I missed you guise! Did you miss me? I missed you lots. No, I missed you more. Aww. Did you know that the average person knows somebody that knows Ellis – really, clinical research from the the Dummy Dom Institute of Completely Wrong Facts says so. That makes everyone 2 degrees seperated from Ellis, therefore beating out Kevin Bacon and his measly 6 degrees. Dingo was born to meet the Bacon, and that’s just one of the many things that make him a sick cunt. The brought Chad Reed out of the woodwork to make a ledge of a tweet about Dingo & Ellis. Ellis went to see his pal Jake Ellenberger fight with some chick he knows from Twitter, and he thinks he might have mistaken her for someone else. Get out your tissues, either for tears or to clean up your jizz pile, Ellis & Katie are no longer going out, they’re friends and such, but they’re not exclusively fucking other people with each other. Or however you wanna put it. It took all of 60 seconds for Dom to put a call on hold where the caller wanted to ask why they broke up, and as you might expect, that call never got taken. DUH! Rawdog went to his 10 year high school reunion over the weekend, he did not get laid, get his dick sucked, or titty fucked. He went solo, the hot chicks were still hot and still didn’t really talk to him just like 10 years ago. Some chick did know that Josh was in radio however, he asked her how she knew and turns out she’s friends with Dingo’s girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend. I can’t keep track of everyone’s goddamned love life, for fuck sakes! Anyway, he basically just had a single conversation on repeat, “I’m a co-host on radio now and still live in LA.” Oh, and also, TJES will be on staycation all next week, so plan your life accordingly!

Ryan Gosling is so upset, he won’t eat his cereal.

In “you’re on the wrong fuckin turf, buddy” some dude in Africa went running after an elephant and got trampled, and in other elephant trampling news, a poacher got trampled to death by the elephant he was trying to shoot. This provided a perfect segway into Hollywood news! Jessica Simpson (elephant) is mad at Nick Lachey (poacher) for saying that he doesn’t have to play grab-ass under the table during Thanksgiving with Joe Simpson (elephant’s father) – referring to rumors about Joe being gay. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West rumor mill is abuzz with something or another about him not being part of the family as much as he should, and didn’t open a fucking door for her once, yada, yada, yada. SNL cast member Seth Meyers will be taking over Jimmy Fallon’s spot on “Late Night” while Fallon looks like he’ll be taking over Jay Leno’s spot on the “Tonight Show” and nobody gives a shit because only old people watch that shit. Disney’s in trouble for trying to trademark a fucking holiday, sweet baby Jesus, you gotta be a bigger douche than Apple to try and trademark a holiday. Vin Diesel says that because he said “Hi guys, I love you.” on Facebook, he made Facebook what it is – which is to say, I giant steaming pile of turd. Oh, and OJ Simpson is still in jail and it’s not looking like he’s going to be getting out anytime soon.

Sex toys? Yea, she’s 5; 10″ and can lift your 140 pound ass in the air while sucking you off!

Fan of the show and Little Miss Ellis contestant, Perry, brought in 2 new machines today. A wheel of doom – a spinning wheel similar to old carnival games with interchangeable punishments for each slot. And, a dick punching machine that Ellis can push from his chair and it punches Rawdog in the dick, in his chair! Sounds like everyone is jazzed about it, except of course Rawdog and his balls. It’s now legal to smoke marijuana in Washington (the state) and bus drivers now use the “lost and found” method for people who forget their weed or pipes on their buses. I had to take a call and missed something, but I came back in as they were talking about while jerking off, you get to smell vagina. What. The. Fuck? Well, here’s a review of this horrible product. Then something about a pigtail butt plug, It’s in the shape of a curly fry, you know, for all you butt plug enthusiasts that have been wanting a coil spring from a fucking Buick in their ass. Then I got another phone call and still wasn’t exactly sure where this bit was heading. Oh, wait. Sounds like Tully is reading the “what other customer’s purchased” feature on Amazon. Anyway, another sexual toy related to the previous products was “the cone”, which is basically like a squished down traffic cone for your asshole stretching needs. Then there’s the “enema simulator”, which is basically a rubber ass that you can practice giving an enema to. So. Hot. In. Thurr. There’s an Obama dildo for all your executive decision sexual desires. And then the “solar powered vibrator” which is supposedly great for camping! The “ohmibod” sex toy plugs into your iPhone and vibrates to the beat of the song you’re listening to and is a hipster’s wet dream. The “artificial hymen” is yet another sex toy, I assume it’s marketed towards pedophiles or similarly creepy motherfuckers that enjoy being bathed in blood while fucking. Now the creme de la creme of sex toys, the “area 51 love doll” where you bang out an alien. I want to believe! Then we have the “gates of hell male chastity device” that is like 5 rings for your cock and balls, it looks as stupid as it sounds. The “whodini” is a locking steel cock chastity that looks like an oversized faucet head from the Acme company in Looney Tunes cartoons. Anyway, you can read about most of these and more.

I don’t have anything for this. Just look at it.

In generational insanity news, grandma, mom, toddler, & baby all walked down the streets completely naked of Charolette, North Carolina and caused a traffic jam. You know how Asian men can’t grow good facial hair? Well guess what? Now they can get mustache transplants that will make Tom Selleck get emotional! Apparently the Lord told them to do this. Then it was time for unsigned bands. That usually turns out worse than NMT so I didn’t bother taking notes on any of that. The guys did say that one or two of them weren’t that bad, and I don’t know if I agree with the ones they liked, but that sounds about right – one or two were alright. Oh, and one of the songs was called “EllisMate” and was by an ex-pro skater the Ellis actually knows. It was basically full of this guy dropping names of various people and Ellis related words as much as possible with a few fuck ups littered in. Rawdog got his ass chewed for multiple mispronunciations and generally fucking up the English language on a regular bases. Dingo got reprimanded for dropping the “cunt” word a little too much today, and Ellis got called on how much he wants to see chicks’ insides, but not in a weird way, only if they wanna show it to him. Oh, and we got another Ellisism gem today, “Don’t put your eggs in this fucking basket.” Wut? Anyway, we’ve all got our own little intricacies that make us who we are, and that’s cool. Like when I make jokes out of subjects that might be considered taboo, which I try not to do too much. Just not today. I’ll start tomorrow. Maybe. But you’ll never know because I’m not scheduled to re-cap tomorrow’s show, you’ll just have to trust me. What does a gay guy and a tumbleweed have in common? They blow and blow until they get stuck on a fence in Wyoming. OH!

No You Are

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/10/2013

Straight Talk With Anal Gay-Lewis (aka Anthony Sandoval)

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/3/2013

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/15/2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/13/2013