No matter how fugly you are, somebody loves you!
The calendar say’s it is Monday, but who really knows – it’s all made up and you’re still implanted in the Matrix – shooting hot wads out of your moist dick. Also, if you’be been following the news at all, go ahead and say hello to the NSA, they’re already very familiar with you and your antics. Wankers and Wankettes might soon be on TJES street team, handing out stickers and shit – but probably not, because they both suck. So actually, don’t even bother looking for that at all. Character is better than looks, because if you have character, bitches can look past your hideously, grotesquely flawed features. The Gracie’s will not only teach you jiu-jitsu, they’ll teach you life lessons – that’s right, you can earn your black belt in life and rub your balls all up in life’s face! Why do people consider the 1950’s the “golden age” and the best time in America? Is it because they are racists? Why was Happy Days such a big hit? And why isn’t now considered the best time in America? Nobody ever shot hot wads in the 50’s, but they sure as fuck do now. Dave England, of Jackass fame, called in to give his 2 shits on the subject, but Ellis didn’t believe it was really him. Welp, looks like it really was him, whoops! Speaking of the 1950’s, here’s a masturbation PSA from 1975, where Ricky’s mom catches him masturbating. Rawdog went to LA’s gay pride festival over the weekend, he saw a dude on all fours in a dog mask, barking at another dude on all fours. You probably can’t appreciate the image that sentence creates in your mind, but it’s going to have to do because Rawdog didn’t take a picture or video of it. But, never fear, Ellis was there for 6 seconds and saw a firetruck full of gay dudes. And guess what? He made a Vine of it so you don’t have to wonder what that might look like. You know what’s better than McDonald’s french fries? Oreo cookies, liquor, and blow jobs.
No, this wasn’t meant for Rawdog.
Hollywood news time, kids! Kobe Bryant and his mom said something to each other, the rapper 2 Chainz crew are cockroaches, Justin Bieber’s fucking stupid, Erin Brockovich drunk on a boat and stuff, Burger Ellis has turned into a woman, Russell Brand can’t talk no more, Amy Schumer might overeat, and John Malkovich is really a super hero. And there you have it, your in-depth coverage of Hollywood news as brought to you by the leader’s in Hollywood news! MMA news time, childrens! Fabricio Werdum submitted Antônio Rodrigo Nogueira by yelling “your mom” jokes at him (according to Rawdog). Thiago Silva defeated Rafael “Teijao” Cavalcante, I think in a more manly fashion and not be yelling loudly at his opponent. Mark Hunt underwent surgery for the infected hematoma in his leg after his loss to Junior dos Santos. BJ Penn wants to come back as a lightweight while Dana White wants him to quit, because gosh darn it, Dana cares. Also, the “BJ” in BJ Penn’s name doesn’t stand for any of the following: Baby Jesus, Blow Job, Baby Job, Black Jew, Brazzer’s Job, or Beef Jerky. Now you know.
Yes, this was meant for Rawdog.
Aubrey Marcus from OnnIt™ was on the show after the break to talk about Tully’s parking ticket that he got today and to help get Rawdog even more ripped than he already is, and to get him on a healthier eating regiment. Aubrey was warned about how Rawdog thinks about food, but he was still blown away at what Rawdog likes and dislikes when it comes to food. But the fun didn’t stop there, he was introduced to Rawdog’s pill taking technique, or anti-pill taking technique, as he witnessed a miracle in studio when Rawdog tried to swallow a pill and it mysteriously ended up back in the water bottle and not down his gullet. He had originally brought in 14 pills that Rawdog was going to be taking, but after finding out about his “small throat”, he revealed a powdered version of another supplement that tastes like plastic watermelon – right up Rawdog’s alley! Waka Flocka Flame ate someone’s baby, or saved someone’s life and broke up their marriage, or something like that. I don’t really know, it kind of went in one ear and out the other, so here he is recording his backup vocals, it’s so bad it’s funny.
The WNBA is as American as…
Tully knows someone who was so into Bryan Adams that they would travel the country going to his shows, and he wasn’t talking about @mike_in_canada, which defies logic – there can only be one. Nothing counts when it comes to the WNBA, those games didn’t even happen, according to Tully. They are worthless and not real and he’d be more interested in seeing a woman in professional baseball than the women in the WNBA just throwing a basketball over and over at a net and never making a basket. This stirred up a bit of a frenzy as if chumming shark infested waters, but that’s Tully (hilarious) and he defended his position until the bitter end. Which reminds me of a story. A nun was walking through the park when a man jumped out, pulled her into the bushes and raped her. After he was through, he asked her what she was going to say in confession. She said, “I’m going to tell the truth. A man jumped out, pulled me into the bushes and raped me twice – unless you’re too tired.” OH!