Have you ever heard one of those songs that makes you want to kick a belligerent old woman in the head as hard as you can just to see how far you can make her carcass fly? Well chances are you will today, but I’m probably getting ahead of myself. That’s what happens when I start writing while I’m still hungry, and your mom’s box sounds like a pretty tasty lunch to me. Anyways, the show started with Jason telling us about how sometimes shit is tough to figure out. Like whether to go to the gym or get ice cream, or whether to shoot a shitty driver in the face or shoot a load on your passenger’s face. Jason finally got his car registered, but on the downside Kawasaki is asking for their bike back, but on the plus side Ellis is getting another bike one way or another. Tully had to ask the question of when the fuck automakers will do the throwback thing correctly. I personally have to agree that the new Camaro and Mustang don’t fucking count and are kind of blasphemous. Then he showed how little he knows about cars by claiming that the Volkswagen Beetle is from the early 1970’s. Rawdog wants a hybrid Model T and that proves he has no idea what “bad investment” means. Jason is kind of still kicking himself in the balls over some drama that’s happening between him and Katie. He’s getting in better with Andrea though, the two are staying friends very well and that’s what’s best for the kids. The guys talked relationships and had a bleeding vagina puppet show for a while recanting the woes of their former loves. Much like myself and probably all of you, someone has fucked us over very aggressively and we probably passed it on to someone else, but you just gotta power through and smash out a couple sluts and then take some time off and then go back to being awesome. Jason kind of floated the idea that maybe gay guys would be easier to just pound through without all the drama, and while that may be totally true, it could still end up being a total pain in the ass AAOOOOoohhhh!!! Basically, if we could all just take a cue from Bill Cosby, the world could start turning around for the better. Jason read a Yahoo.com prediction about UFC 161 and had some questions about just WHO THE FUCK DO THE PEOPLE AT YAHOO THINK THEY ARE MAKING THESE KINDS OF RIDICULOUS INSINUATIONS ABOUT SPORTS THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT?!?!?!?! The guys talked MMA for a little while at this point, and couldn’t help but mention that Dana White is gonna be on the show later, so if anybody has more information than fucking Yahoo, it would probably be him. We got a clue as to a new segment involving Black Sabbath and physical abuse right before the break, and to keep us on our toes Jason played some of the new album during the first break and we can all only imagine what horrors await in the next hour, probably something that is gonna fuck up Rawdog’s day more than anyone else’s.
So, guys, it’s time for Get The Cock Off Your Chest, and if you’ve got a phallus placed somewhere on the upper half of your torso, this is the show that will let you remove it without having to admit to your buddies that you handled a cock and have them ridicule you mercilessly until you drink yourself to death from the shame. Right, let’s get to it! First we heard a news story though about a guy who was golfing with a few friends and lost his cool over the score and decided to smash a five iron over his buddies arm and then stabbed his other buddy with the broken off end. And to think, I went out to see a band called Five Iron Frenzy on Saturday night, who the fuck would have figured, right? AAOOOoohh!!! Anyways, the first caller told us about a time when he pounded out his dad’s girlfriend’s snatch and kicked her to the curb a month after his dad died. Next guy told us about when he broke up with his girlfriend and knocked up the random ho bag he rebounded with, then he got back together with his ex and doesn’t spend no time with the baby. After that we heard the story of a guy who went to his friends house when they were kids and licked his butt hole and sure enough the dude grew up gay, and now that guys dad hates him for giving his son the gay. Next up we heard about a guy who went to his friends house and got a blow job from his girlfriend and shot his wad in the dude’s coffee. After that the next caller told us that he got paranoid about his wife cheating on him and he turned into a total stalker, and even though she totally was fucking someone else, he felt creepy and lame about it. Next we got to hear about a guy who was dating a girl back in high school and while he was waiting for a ride with her mom after school, he actually banged her mom. No bullshit, this is not a NoYouAre running joke, homeboy actually fucked that ladies mom. Next caller told us about when he was tag teaming his buddies girlfriend and the morning after he went downstairs to get some breakfast and sure enough the dog started licking his balls. Seriously folks, the public finds a new way to let me down every god damn day. After that there was a caller who told us a story about one of his buddies who would get ridiculously fucktarded drunk and become a complete asshole, so some of the guys decided they’d turn the tables on him and piss in his beer. Sure enough, dude chugged it, swallowed it right down, didn’t throw up and somehow got his ass kicked by some other dude’s dad (The story kind of lost me at this point too, speak more clearly please, Canadian alcoholics). Up next was a guy who was banging a girl on his pal’s boat after a whole fuck ton of drinking and shot a load in her mouth, which she spit back up into a big 2 gallon water jug on the boat. Ellis cut this call off for some reason, probably cause bitches who spit are lame, swallow it or take it on the chin, ya fucking prude, but for the love of Christ and all my free time on the weekends do not let me impregnate you. Next we got to hear from a dude who is having some serious problems holding back his urge to kill people. He was very rational and methodical about it, but all the same, he’s riding a razor’s edge of whether or not he should go out and start whittling away at the moldier bits of the population. After that was a guy who started dating a girl who wouldn’t blow him until they got married, and that story didn’t go anywhere and wasn’t much of a cock off the chest, but he got some decent advice about the whole relationship. Some dude on twitter got airtime when he told the guys a story of how he was fucking a married lady with three kids, and one day the husband came home early and caught them, so he got up and knocked that husband right the fuck OUT BIATCH!!! Like a motha fuckin’ BOSS SON!!! Anyways, the next call we heard was from a guy who was taking lots of painkillers for about 10 years and just needed to let everybody know he’s trying to stop. It turned into another advice call, but it worked out to be a pretty good “hey man go fix your fucking life” call. Next up there was a call from a guy who might have allegedly-not-for-certain-but-it’s-definitely-possible-I-know-I’m-not-a-doctor-but-I’ve-read-a-few-articles-can-you-feel-me-vagina-hey-do-you-know-where-I-can-get-a-great-steak gotten his buddy’s girlfriend pregnant. Long story short, he’s probably just being paranoid and no matter what she shouldn’t have been fucking around and taking unprotected loads. The next call was from somebody who dumped his girlfriend then went out to the casino and won a bunch of money and bought himself and his pal some cocaine and a couple hookers, then he went home and smashed the gash on the lady he just broke up with.. Not sure what’s really so bad about this story that he’d keep it a secret but I hope you feel better after sharing it, dude bro. After that we got a call from a dude who was dating a girl, they broke up for a good long while, got a call from her out of the blue on Valentine’s day and they went out and got wasted and he went back to her place and fucked her, on her boyfriend’s bed, with one of his rubbers. Pimp with a capital P double I M P. Next we heard from a dude who went out to find a wheelchair and stole it from a senior center for some kind of prank, and the dude needed to take a shit so he used the sink cause he didn’t want to get old people stink on him. I kind of missed some of this story, I have a job and it takes away from all the things I’d rather be doing. Finally, there was a guy who signed up for the army and one night before they shipped out him and some pals went out and smashed on some girl, all up in her ass and with a candlestick and she was holding her C-section scar together and shit. It was fucking metal, that’s why that story ended with Jason playing that new song by Newsted.
Hey, y’know what? It’s time for some fucktarded news!!! So, there’s a guy who worked at a bank and he fell asleep at his desk with his head on the keyboard and accidentally transferred $293 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS into some dudes bank account. The supervisor got fired for not even noticing the transfer, and I think the guy who fell asleep needs to be taken out front of the bank and paddled for about 20 minutes in front of a nice crowd of customers, cause that’s what you kind of have coming for a fuck up like that. The world’s biggest duck, in case you’re wondering, is about 3 feet. Not sure what that has to do with anything, but it was reported to the listeners, so we wanted to make sure you don’t miss out on important things like this. Of course this is a great segue to NEW MUSIC TUESDAY!!! And to start with we have three wonderful tracks from Black Fucking Sabbath. So go out and sacrifice a goat and pick yourself up a copy, it’s all the original members that aren’t dead back on record for the first time in years! After that was Robin Thicke, the son of the guy from Growing pains and it was kind of a great song to listen to while you hang yourself in a broom closet, but they sampled a decent song from the 70’s. Next we heard Boards of Canada and it was more of the same electronic shit that people keep declaring Jihad on Rawdog for playing. Next on the list was The Lonely Island and if you’re into nerdy comedy rap then go forth and enjoy, and don’t you dare crank that shit in your car anywhere near me or I’ll drag you out of your car and beat you to death in the middle of the street. Next we got a taste of the new Black Dahlia Murder, and new metal doesn’t interest me much, but god damn, that new Black Sabbath is on point, so go get a copy!!! And fuck the Black Dahlia Murder. Anyway, after that we heard Summoning, continuing the trend of blasphemy against the mighty Black Sabbath and invoking the rage of our dark lord Satan to the point of a thousand years of pestilence. Next we got a real surprise, a new song from the Goo Goo Dolls, and it was nowhere near as depressing as all their old stuff, but it got one of those pop back beats that makes all the rest of the new music out right now on top 40 stations sound like child molestation, so go back to the drawing board guys, Black Balloon was almost catchy and heartwarming and this shit ain’t getting on to any teen romantic comedy soundtrack. Coming in hot is a band called Surfer Blood, and they took it back to the old days when three chords and down strokes were all you needed to make good music, but then the singer kicked in and that was the turd in the bath water. Jimmy Eat World hasn’t fucked off to oblivion just yet, so while they’re hanging around why wouldn’t they put out another album full of music for thirteen year old girls to cut themselves to? Moving on, we got to hear Mister Mother Fuckin’ Esquire on his new mixtape that was not the worst thing I’ve ever heard, but nothing worth blowing up on your local radio station. After that was Prodigy and Alchemist and that was a step better than most of what we heard today, almost listenable really. Finally we got Rawdog’s pick of the week by a band called Death Heaven and it started off a little epic and then crescendoed in a bit of an argument over whether or not the dog got some doggy style from his girlfriend lately. Similar to times in the past, Rawdog is getting weird because he has a girlfriend, much like with Briar, and that Mexican lady he was dating a little while back who wanted to get the puppy and snowballed him, and probably a few other ones that I’m forgetting. And I don’t want to be a dick and pry on things that probably have nothing to do with me, but this is what Josh kind of does once he gets close to a lady. It gets old and the guys give him lots of shit for it, and it’s totally childish, but it also isn’t anybody’s business if he doesn’t want to make it their business. Besides, a lot of the fans hate his guts anyway, why do you want to hear how he’s fucking? I don’t care that much myself, just don’t feel like hearing an argument about it. Ellis’ mood at the end of this talk prompted another break, so that’s what we did. Hopefully Josh gets the clit off his box while we listen to more of the new Sabbath Album.
HOLLYWOOD FUCK YOUR WORTHLESS PEASANT LIFE NEWS!!! Joel Madden, good friend of the show, got kicked out of a hotel in Australia for having a little bit of pot in his room, but really, they’re only doing it for show and to promote the hotel to family tourists. Erin Brockovich got arrested for driving a boat drunk a few days ago, and it all started cause she was drunk and arguing with her husband. And since she’s one of those estrogenical types, of course she can’t parallel park and definitely not in a boat, so that’s why the fuzz got involved. Jessica Simpson is very possibly a fame whore, after she took a picture with some kid at a restaurant but then a doctored version of that pic was released with a different kid on it claiming to be the first glimpse of her new baby, and people think she’s in on the whole deal. I couldn’t give a fuck less really, I haven’t cared about her since the Dukes Of Hazzard movie. Kanye West is also a complete shithead, and when he started being asked questions by the paparazzi he started snapping at them. Sounds pretty normal to me, I would do the same thing. But he did recently make a statement that his god name is Yeezus, so yeah that happened and we all know he has no connection with reality so whatever. Speaking of Kanye, Jay-Z and Beyonce recently gave him and Kim a $13,000 crystal high chair for their little bundle of Armageddon that is soon to burst through Kim’s uterus at the speed of sound bringing an eternal rain of molten glass and darkness to the sun. Chad “Ochocinco like my fucking number isn’t eighty five and nobody in America might speak spanish” Johnson got arrested a little while back cause his wife burned the toast and he reacted accordingly and at his most recent hearing for a probation violation he slapped his lawyers ass, right there in the courtroom, and the judge said “FUCK YOU NO DEAL GO TO JAIL FOR A MONTH YOU DUMB FUCK” and the townspeople rejoiced. Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora are arguing with each other again and it may be cause Richie needs some rehab (again) and Bon Jovi would like to keep touring until his dick turns to fucking diamonds or some such shit and Richie understands that everything has to come to an end at some point or another. Pac Man Jones is going to the clink after he knocked out some lady at a night club, and the NFL is officially a non profit organization, so let’s all do our best to hurt that tax free bottom line everybody. Simon Cowell is a fucking tool and during a taping of Britain’s got talent, some lady started pelting him with eggs, so random lady I hope I meet you someday and I will totally buy you a beer. Pink grew her hair back out, except for the part that they’re extensions, but they still look good. Donald Trump’s twitter got hacked and I hope someone made his asshole sting something fierce. Johnny Depp is 50 today, which is definitely shocking to most of us, I just thought he was kind of ageless like Cher or Demi Moore’s unacceptably hairy vagina. Jane Lynch divorced her wife, so go out and get a piece ladies, she could be your lady Liberace but without any AIDS that any of us is aware of. And that pretty much wraps it up for the goings on in Tinsel town. We got more Black Sabbath talk, possibly guest starring Billy Crystal and the runner up Penthouse pet of the year, great movies you could remake with Jim Carey’s ass, and some other great ways to kill a well known star’s career. The guys tried Dom ass news with Herpes stroke face and it didn’t work so great with the cup strapped over his mouth so he was yelling shit and couldn’t breathe. Dom tried learning a new voice to make his news delivery more listenable and that was kind of entertaining. The Australia-maican was a decent touch. Then we found out that someone fucked up and there’s no batteries for the shock collars so no Dom Ass news. So the guys bullshitted with some of the callers, Jason is getting some WolfKnife jewelry made, and the Williams sisters challenged some dude who was a pretty good tennis player and he fucking whooped the shit out of both of them on the court while smiling and drinking beer. There were some final calls and some other stuff, it was all pretty decent. But before we all left, Dom came in and got electrocuted while he read interesting historical facts. And that actually was worth a chuckle. All of these bizarre historical facts however ended up being false, and Dom was properly abused for believing any of it. And that pretty much wrapped it all up.
I remember once when I spent a summer with my grandparents. It was the best summer ever for a lot of reasons, but most importantly were all the things I learned there. Like how to cook crystal meth and what AIDS lesions look like and how if you give a crackhead 25 cents, he will fight you to the death to suck that dick. Crackheads don’t want to be a complete drain on society people, let them earn it, they’re just as human as the rest of us, with all the same needs.
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,