A “Dude, Am I Slut?” segment from 2010, where, Chris reveals she got finger blasted at the bar by her manager, and then banged on the A/C unit outside. Next, Wendy’s husband of 8 years wants her to sleep with her “ex” and wants to watch, she also says her ex has a bigger dick than her husband. Wendy also sounds… familiar. I don’t know.
The real payoff? Ellis and Rawdog want to cum on your shit.
No. Yeah! That’s totally art. You did a… umm… good!
Hello my pretties! It’s big daddy bitPimps filling in for that one dude that plays with Triscuits all day long, CrackerStacker6. Time to get it up ya! Everyone got their art on last night (or maybe this morning if you’re name is Jetta), Ellis painted some shit with his dumb fingers, Tully glued some shit with his dumb fingers, Will smoked with his dumb fingers, Jetta stroked his ding-a-ling with his dumb fingers, & Cumtard fingered his dumb butt with his dumb fingers. This is all allegedly of course. Not everybody can produce art, just because you wiped a booger on a wall, doesn’t make you an artist, it makes you a disgusting child. Anyway, everyone did a self-portrait. Tully’s was a collage that featured his cannon dick. Cumtard did a sketch, but of course he’s color blind and used a red pen for part of it. Will drew triangles to represent hair on his chin, even though he has no hair on his chin or shin. Jetta made a little flip book style so the viewer of his masterpiece can change his shoes and such. Ellis painted a Jewish wolfman wearing a yarmulke with a head tattoo. I assume they will be showing these renditions to Justin Bua, an artist that will be on today’s show. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night, and now they want him to do Dr. Drew’s podcast too to fill in for Adam Carolla. All this after he just filled in for Psycho Mike on Loveline. Dude’s been gettin’ busy with Dr. Drew – if you catch my drift. Alec Baldwin was arrested for riding his bike the wrong way, fucking rebel. There was talk about maybe doing a show at night and recording it and playing some time in the morning. This was all talk that including an actual “Ellis Channel” (The Baby?) where Tully could do a night show, Jude could do a show, etc. Sounds like contract negotiations are looking pretty good. You can take a picture with your Wolfknives membership and then tweet the show a song you want in rotation for a day! Everyone discussed possible names for the new channel, it was a real hoot.
Georges St. Pierre AND a Kickboxer remake you say?
The show is looking for a man or woman (let’s face it, it’s gonna be a man) that can build a ramp for Ken Block RC cars to jump 6′ at a low height. Or in other words, 2 bricks and a piece of plywood. Hey, you can see Ellis when he races this weekend on livetrackfeed.com. MMA News, Georges St. Pierre is said to be in a remake of the movie Kickboxer, but he’s not playing JCVD and also nobody cares. Brock Lesnar called Dana White to ask if he would call Pat Barry and tell him to retire. He may also have asked Dana if he could call Bisping to find out where to get a good steak, allegedly. Justin Bua came in bearing a gift, a painting – of something, I’m not sure what it was. Anyway, he’s doing some kind of show for the UFC, he’s been a longtime fan and used to call up Art Davie and pretend to be a reporter just so he could pick his brain. He says that MMA fighting is a lot like art for him, saying, “You and your canvas, one on one.” ~ Kid Rock. He gave a painting to Anderson Silva and it made him cry like a little bitch. So besides being an artist and bringing in a painting, he brought in a bottle of water called “raw water” and swears it tastes better than you know, plain old water water. It’s not his water, it’s just a water he really likes. Did I mention he also makes superfood drink mix stuff called Immortal Machine with some infomercial dude named David Wolfe? Well I just did. Did I mention he’s vegan? Did I also mention he raises his daughter as vegan? Well I just did that too. Go me! He also said Cumtard has a woman-like mouth in real life, as opposed to his self portrait.
Is anyone still reading this? I don’t blame you.
Next up, “What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life?” segment. Callers inundated us with their stories of some of the stupidest things they’ve done. Several were good enough to win themselves some Red Dragons gear. If you get a chance, give it a listen – because I’m not recapping all that, especially about the guy that shot his girlfriend / wife. Total accident. I will tell you about one of them though. Tully was with Cullen, celebrating his birthday. Both got really drunk, Tully went to bed and Cullen ended up having to puke. The next morning, Cullen told Tully about him throwing up, said he went to the bathroom puked, but it was cool because he cleaned it all up. Turns out Cullen passed out on the bathroom floor, Tully’s mom woke up at 5 AM to get ready for work & found Cullen passed out on the floor. Tully’s dad had to carry him to the couch and Tully’s mom cleaned up Cullen’s puke. Tada! In fire news, it sounds like the Four Seasons is on fire in San Diego. I take it you can find some… hot room deals! Or maybe it’s just that someone got… fired! At least it didn’t… spark much debate! HEYOH! I’m sure this is all old news to Wilson and his police scanner.
Dingogram!
What’s up with Monday sucking so much ball gravy? Getting real tired of your shit, Monday. Happy late Mother’s Day to all the baby mamma’s out there. Hope you had a good day, because it’s back to your normal bullshit now. So you might still be something when you’re dead. I mean, that’s not confirmed, there’s some investigation and science that needs to happen, but it might be true. Ellis is going to find out soon enough when he has his heart surgery, then goes to Peru, and then trips on ayahuasca. Aubrey’s done it, Joe’s done it, and they’re smart and still here and functioning. I think this might be the first subject on the show that Dingo hasn’t pretended to be an expert on, so I think we all might need to trip balls a few more times just so Dingo has to do more psychedelics just to catch up to the rest of the world. Not to be mean of course, just to rub it in, in a friendly manner. He’s ready to go to Peru and take a mind trip with Ellis, Tully however, is not. Speaking of Dingo, he went to Malibu or some shit this weekend and saw a bunch of famous people like the handsome John C. Reilly. Dingo will also be going to Street League and Ellis will not. Dingo says he would be willing to try and get interviews for the show, which is cool, but Dingo has let Ellis down before so let’s not get too overly excited just yet. Dingo also has been going to Vegas to be in Lil Jon’s video or some shit and pouring champagne on motherfuckers and passing out shots. He’s been doing it for years so he’s totally unimpressed. OVER IT. He misses his cues, he fucks up and sprays champagne at the wrong time, he falls off the stage sometimes. He don’t give a shit. He’s in Lil Jon’s video, what does he think about it? Big whoop. Here’s a link to the “official” video that Dingo is not in and here’s a link to the other video that Dingo is in. (around the 2:28 mark) According to Tully (and The Source “Dingo”), Lil Jon is a really nice guy. And that may be true, but this is without a doubt the most I’ve ever discussed Lil Jon and that makes me feel weird – so it’s time to move on.
I’m in the bathroom with Kenda.
Is finger banging and old lady like putting eye cream on a set of old wrinkly eye lids? Do animals lick each other’s genitals? Tully & Dingo say no, Ellis says yes, so then Dingo says yes. As it turns out, bats suck bat dick, or at least the lick bat dick. Tig McPickles is getting into some shit at school, not listening, saying his dad would kick another kid’s dads ass, etc. Papa Fifty is almost dead or likely to die sooner rather than later, he also has his own Instagram now. So UFC was this past weekend and Tully lost his bet, because he put his money on the Brazilian bitch, who of course lost. Looks like he’ll be spinning the Wheel of Doom. Kenda called in to talk about her titties and how much she desires them to be sucked on – just kidding – it was MMA News. Kenda lives in a condo with a community pool, she’s sitting by the pool now, waiting for someone to come suckle her teets – just kidding – she’s in the bathroom of the community pool taking a dump – just kidding – she’s in there so she can talk while her phone is plugged in to her ass – just kidding – it’s plugged into the wall. She recently had a wet dream about Ellis – just kidding – it was a dry dream, but Ellis was in it. Michael Sam got drafted into the NFL as the 249th pick by the Rams, if you remember, he’s the openly gay football player from Missouri. He cried and kissed his boyfriend and as you might have guessed, some people took issue with that.
Coming in hard with some factual shit.
Tully stepped up to spin the Wheel of Doom, he landed on “Spanked by Will” and he has to fart, or possibly shit, and piss, so he has no idea how this is going to go. To get things setup, Tully pulls down his pants (underwear on), bends over Will’s good knee, and gets spanked so he learns his lesson. Learns it real good. Now everyone wants boner inducing spanks from Will. Time for a history game between Ellis and Dingo as hosted by Mike “My Ass Is Kind of Stingy” Tully. Who was Machiavelli? He was a drug running in the 1400’s who invented pizza, rode horses with a saddle, and started the movement of separating Sicilian and Italians. Who was Mussolini? Another Italian, a general, started a revolution when he invented the dumpling during a war with the world for the second time, and was executed for his evil empire against pastries and music. AIDs, it jumped from monkeys to humans because the junky monkeys shared needles, then someone cut a monkey, fuck it, cut it up, sliced them selves because the Slap-Chop™ had not been invented yet, and then under cooked the HIV monkey and BAM! You just got the AIDs. Why did Muhammed Ali refuse to be drafted into the war? He was Muslim and said that’s bullshit and then served some time for that shit and there ya go. There was a Rocky Marciano movie, what the fuck do you wanna know about him? He used to do shows, people hired him to do stand-up at bars, and he drank a lot, fucked a carrot and that’s how we got stuck with Carrot Top. Dingo was born, in a world, in 1986. But that’s also when the Russians got nuclearized by Chernobyl, fish got 3 eyes, bitches got 7 tits, and there was all kinds of fucked up shit, all the Gernobyly people got died unless they escaped to LA to block Ellis’ driveway. Right around the same time, Maria Shriver married Schwarzenegger, created a nice little family, stopped blowing Arnie, she turned bitter, he turned bitter, she fucked herself, he fucked the maid. That or she’s the freaky one and wanted him to fuck maids, get them pregnant, and call him a pussy while she rubs one out in the corner. William Shakespeare wrote plays, worked for French people and shit, and if it wasn’t for him there would be no Spielberg. The Red Baron is a dog or a chicken who loves also loves chicken and flies a dog house with wings, he was a Nazi and killed mad people and children, also his pizza is complete shit. Charlie Chaplin was a famous entertainer, his house is now a Russian restaurant run by Australians, he owned more property than anyone else in LA, and was very dark and would do creepy shit to women, he was a real loose unit, and Hitler stole his mustache. Abraham Lincoln was huge, he invented a car, he was a dark human being, he tried to free the blacks with commandments but with more important shit, he wrote a bunch of shit down that said “this is what’s up” and changed the game. Democrats shot him because they knew Obamacare was coming. The Civil War, what was so civil about it anyway? It happened on the east coast, red coats versus blue coats, no motherfuckers thought of wearing camouflage, nobody knew how to step out of the way of shit that can kill you, they were pretty fucked up. We watched Mel Gibson’s son die because of some cocksuckers, and if it wasn’t for Colonel Gibson, we’d all be eating French bread, all over a racist confederate Texas flag while eating blacks, which is crazy because blacks fought each other to see who could get eaten first. Dingo remembers North, South, East, West by reciting a cute little phrase, “Never Eat Soggy Weetbix”, so maybe that will help you to remember the four major points on the compass too! And there you have it, hopefully everyone learned something.
I’ll get off your toilet for a measly $6k.
Mr. T won’t get off the toilet for less than $100k or some shit, so let’s see what it takes to get some other celebrities off the shitter. Jose Canseco got paid $100k (?) for his last celebrity boxing thing. How much to get Carmen Electra to show up at a party? $100k. How much to get Huge Jackman to show up to your shithole? $250k. How much to get Puffy to show up and shut up? $500k. Pauly Shore? $30k, buuuuddy. Wendy Williams? $10k. Drake? $1M James Earl Jones? $1M. Chelsea Handler? $100k to show up, $150k to bang her. Cher? $1.5M to show up, $0.75 to eat her out. Mötley Crüe? $150k. Khloé Kardashian? $150k + $100k in food. Slayer? $30k. Avril Lavigne? $350k, no touching. Conversation turned to ayahuasca again and we got calls from listener’s who knew a guy who knew a guy who saw a guy at a truck stop who told about a guy that knew a sherman who puked and shit himself and talked to dead people who didn’t drink coffee. It was a real eye opener – just kidding – it was fucktarded. We heard about some stupid bitch in Edmonton who attacked a dude on a subway in Edmonton, of course it’s a fucking world star video. This was a perfect lead into final calls – sadly nobody dropped a “world star son, world star, world star, world star” until they got shot. And that, my friends, wraps this baby up nice and neat like a turd with a bow on it. Enjoy it. Love it. Make out with it. Peel your banana to the left, peel your banana to the right, peel your banana and uh, take a bite! YAY!
March 7th, 2014 turned out to be a pretty important day. It was the birth of an epic honky rap battle between The Jason Ellis Show cast & crew that I’m calling “Half Mile”.
It consists of a short rap battle battle between: Ellis, Tully, Wilson, Cumtard, Jetta, & Hardcore for the chance to be named “Saltine of the Earth”. There were two rounds. First round, everyone battled. The two worst (as voted on by callers) would then be sent to the second round. In this round, the two whitest people would battle one another for supremacy of the whitest white devil of them all. Based solely on their horrific rap skills. So let’s listen to how it all played out.
Elimination Round + The Final Round
Cumtard when the beezin’ really kicks in.
Yo, yo, yo! Wazzup my n-bombs? Just kidding, I doubt any of you are Norwegian. That’d be kinda funny if Norwegians were all thugged out and shooty & stabby, while black people liked cold weather and cross country skiing. Anyway, enough about the stupid things that plague my mind, let’s see what we had for a show today. We don’t know fish, because we don’t get to hang out with them long enough. Even with scuba tanks, it’s still not long enough to really get to know the fish and the fish to get to know us. Ellis is obviously a massive fan of the supercross, but fuck The Offspring. Remember that whole Faction Board of Directors thing? The results are in, but none of us get to know about any of it – so I’m calling bullshit. There’s no directors. There’s no board. I’m not even sure there’s a Faction. Plus, this website doesn’t even exist, this isn’t even a recap either. Ellis saw Thomas Haden Church’s Castaway movie, called Whitewash. In the movie, he accidentally kills a man during a drunken night joyride, I assume on his snowplow. He hides the body then disappears into the woods. Dingo saw some documentary on mass suicide and it wasn’t about Jonestown. Is Dingo planning something? I’m not saying he is, I’m just sayin you might wanna stay on your toes around him. Will watch a TV show about Fargo or some shit. Tully was the only person on Earth who watch the Mayweather fight. What does Katie call blonde-headed bimbos? Shit pigs. Also, she totally boinked Jared Leto, but don’t say anything. Apparently she’s been working lately and Ellis hates it because he misses her. You wanna know what Aussie’s call a beer? A tinny. Know what a slab is? It’s a case of beer. Do you really even care? Of course you don’t. Jetta is looking like shit today, wearing wrinkled clothes, having a “blah” attitude, and being high as fuck while on the job. Shout out to Dirty Sean & the boys! Cumtard felt left out so he tried to get all beezy by trying out the latest trend among the kids, beezin’. Beezin’ didn’t work and Cumtard did not end up pooping in the hat the doctor gave him, even though he’s had diarrhea again this morning. He also failed at using his boner as a towel rack. The dude that played Deebo in the movie Friday drives a Bentley and you know Dingo can vouch for that shit because Dingo knows everyone. Drugs and shark tattoos of a shark eating a man were two other short topics, not at the same time though.
That pinky ring from Kelly?
You got any suggestions for the wheel of doom? Tweet those ideas to the show. Ellis was looking for electronic drum kits, Devin already found a little rhythm and Tiger just goes apeshit like Animal from The Muppets. Tully got checked by TJ Lavin for one of his comments during the show last week. Dingo got gifted a little pinky ring from noted shit pig, Kelly Osbourne. I’m not sayin’ they’re fucking, I’m just sayin’ ewww. Dingo tells us that the delay in Kanye & Ditch Pig’s wedding is because they’re hammering out a prenupt, because he makes a lot of money but also spends a lot of money. Segue into Bakerfield police investigated cummy pubic hair cupcakes some chick made for all the bullies at her school. Jude’s currently looking at Cumtard’s porn girlfriend’s snatch in his studio, which isn’t really breaking news for Jude, Cumtard, or that porn chick’s snatch. By the way, Cumtard is okay with all this. Ellis is trying to be nicer to callers because of this supposed Board of Directors thing saying people want him to be nicer. Today’s Cinco de Mayo, celebrating tequila, tacos, and cheap labor. A caller swears there is a penis fertility test for Cumtard to take to help cure his lazy boner. First he has to do some marathon masturbation in a 16-hour span and then pull his nuts out as far as he can or something. I can’t see how scientific this could be, but I’m backing the idea for Cumtard to do because his dick is gonna be ground up hamburger after 16 hours of whackin’ it.
Travis when someone gets hurt at Pastranaland.
One of Dingo’s friends came in for a visit, Trevor Jacob. He’s a snowboarder, Olympian, in Nitro Circus, and probably has more accolades that I’m not mentioning. He actually met Ellis when he was 6-years-old and Ellis had broken a world record. He went up to Ellis to get an autograph but didn’t have anything for him to sign, so Ellis took off one of the DC shoes he was currently wearing, signed the shoe, and gave it to Trevor. The two reminisced about the past, talked about how they’re both pretty crazy, making dumb decisions, taking some bad spills, and also talked a little about what he’s doing now and plans for the future. They watched a video of Trevor almost dying at Pastranaland and a video of him doing the first double backflip on a skateboard. Dude had to have anal surgery for a broken tailbone too. That’s surgery going through the butthole. A widened butthole. With tools and shit. So many innuendos, too little time. Ever seen a goblin shark? Well now you have. You act like your parents because of you choice of pants. Wait, no. You act like your parents because of your genes jeans. And that’s why you’re a bitch-ass ass-bitch, because you look like your mother wearing mom jeans that go above your belly button and you got that bitch pouch mid-zipper. OH!