Monthly Archives: February 2014

A Bitch’s Opinion on The Awesome Guide To Life

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Here’s the deal- I’m a girl (woman/female/lady/bitch please feel free to use whichever, because I basically don’t care) and I am a listener of The Jason Ellis Show. I also write for the wonderful fansite, No You Are, which is where you’re reading this now- in case you got lost. I’ve been pretty excited for The Awesome Guide to Life to be released and I finished it in one sitting because I’m weird like that. I loved it. Straight up loved it- especially the end. If you haven’t gotten there yet, I don’t intend to spoil it for you, but I found it so uplifting. So motivating. But…I have a problem.

The problem I’m having is with the slew of negative reviews coming from my fellow females (and I’m personally cringing as I label them ‘fellows’ but genetics are what they are) which are centered solely around one chapter, “How To Be A Chick”. The derision is aimed at his referencing females as ‘girls’ as opposed to ‘women’, his opinion on how girls talk, how girls dress, how girls handle themselves, how girls handle dicks, you know…anything that he says about women in the space of 13 pages. I could quip, I could make fun of these reviewers for their bad jokes or misplaced defensiveness, or hate on them for the underhanded stabs they take at Ellis’ character without knowing a thing about him, but I’m trying to be the better person here, and I’m just going to give you my honest opinion instead.

First off- I’m not sure if any of these lady reviewers got the memo…but this book isn’t exactly supposed to be taken seriously. Or maybe I was the only one who got the memo and it was a prank to make me look bad, but…I laughed a lot reading this. I mean, yeah, I found this in the ‘Self-Improvement’ section of the bookstore, but everyone knows this is rather satirical, right? Yeah, the bare bones of the text are meant as a loose guide on how to live a better life, but it is not a literal suggestion of everything that you should do in life. Yes, there is a chapter on picking up strippers and prostitutes, but that chapter also says that it isn’t for everyone. Yes, there is a chapter on how to party which talks about taking drugs, but that chapter tells you that drugs are bad and dangerous and aren’t for everyone. Do I need to go on, or are you catching what I’m throwing?

Secondly- Jason Ellis is not hating on…anyone. Ugh…lie…he’s hating on people who are choosing to not live their life to the fullest. Yes, he makes comments about fat people being stupid, because it disappoints him that people become sedentary, become comfortable, and give up. No one’s yelling at the man for calling smokers disgusting. Why? Because smoking fucking kills you. Guess what? So does being obese. Ellis is urging readers to take better care of themselves, take responsibility for their health, and informing them that there is hope and a way to change. Don’t be a pile of shit- start jogging now. That reaction from the Houston Press Blogger really got me- she made a big deal of mentioning that she shouldn’t jog for cardiovascular health or for it feeling good but so she doesn’t turn into a bag of shit. And I’m over here like, “Yeah, well, jogging is good for your heart, good for stress, and all that…so it definitely sounds like it helps you to not be a bag of shit, now doesn’t it?”

Third- I’m sure that these reviews have been done with reactionary purposes in mind (to get people talking about their blog/website/etc) as they blatantly ignore or gloss over any of the irrefutable positive aspects of the book. But Jenni, how can there possibly be something positive in a book written by a chauvinist, ego-maniacal, homophobe? I hate you, if you really think that, but those are some of the words being used to describe the author, so I thought I’d throw them out there. This book spends a lot of time telling guys to not be dicks to ladies, to take responsibility for themselves, their relationships, to be good fathers and partners (even after a divorce, if it happens), and that you are in control of your life so you better do something good with it. He tells the readers that they can accomplish great things by putting in the time and effort, because he came from nothing. Nothing. He lived through terrible shit and didn’t throw himself a pity party…he made something out of himself, and he wants to tell people that if he can do it, so can they. Yeah, he’s a dick.

Now…How To Be A Chick. It’s the big hot button right now…and I don’t know what to really say about it. How about, you’re welcome ladies, for getting pure, unfiltered insight into the male mind? I don’t know if it’s because I love someone who expresses himself just as bluntly as Ellis tends to and I’m used to it, or if it’s because I am familiar with the concept of subtext, but I wasn’t offended in the least by this chapter. Again, it probably helps that I read the rest of the book where he talks about always being nice to women, leaving them love notes, buying them flowers because you love them and not because it’s Valentine’s day, and always being a gentleman, but I see no harm in him expressing to women that yeah, sex sells, but a guy would rather have a hint of cleavage then a full on nip-slip waiting to happen, that guys will notice your feet so keep that in mind around pedicure time, and yeah, you should probably take care of yourself if you want to live for a long time. He wrote one chapter on how to be a chick…he wrote the rest of the goddamn book about how not to be a shitbag, loser, guy who will never have sex. Ladies, we kind of got off easy here. And so far as him being a chauvinist, or a pig, or anti-feminist or whatever…how about this to think about- he said the same shit to us that he said to the men, treated us no different, and didn’t sugar coat it because we have boobies. He treated us equally. So stop bitching about it.

I listen to The Jason Ellis Show damn near every day. The show has helped me through some of the worst times in my adult life. I talk to hundreds, if not thousands, of fellow fans. He has helped people with drug addictions, with depression, with their weight- he genuinely wants people to be healthy and happy. He is a supporter of gay rights, a friend to many classes of people that most people of any notoriety tend to treat with kid gloves if not outright ignore them, and he thinks women are awesome, beautiful, and should be treated with the utmost respect. Okay, he is really rough around the edges- but, as he said himself- he was born with a kind heart. If you’re not in on the joke, take some time and listen to his radio show on SiriusXM. There’s a 30 day free trial on the website…you can listen to him for a month for free. Maybe actually go back and read the book, and the first one for that matter, and come back here and tell me your mind hasn’t been changed.

 

Hate me for my opinion? Feel free to tweet me @jennimazky on twitter.

 

 

Show Recap for Wednesday 2/19/2014

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#TheAwesomeGuideToLife Just keep tweeting it…we’ll get it trending. If you don’t do it…I might not love you anymore. Just sayin.

Ellis opens up the show today with some crazy cat meow trippy background going on, because why the hell not, and he’s been thinking about how easy it is for him to do radio. Seriously. He shouldn’t be allowed to drive, but he doesn’t think that there’s any harm in him being allowed to do a radio show. He’s also gonna go ahead and call bullshit on animals that people say can talk, like whales and dogs, and things like that, because they can’t really talk, guys. Yeah they make all sorts of weird noise and faces and we like to think that they are talking to each other and to us, but they aren’t. They’re animals. They’re dumb. Dogs are gonna be happy when you give them food not because they were asking you for food, but because they’re dogs and they’re dumb and they’ll eat that motherfucking food even if they aren’t hungry and they’ll get fat and dumb(er) and shit. Well…my dog won’t eat if he isn’t hungry…but I’m weird and thereby so is he. And when it comes to whales and them talking to each other, no they don’t! Whales are super dumb! They get themselves into crazy situations where they wind up on beaches and die because they can’t get back off by themselves. Ellis starts wondering if whales beach themselves because they are depressed because all of their whale-talking isn’t working to attract a fe-whale to bone (see what I did there?) and they just want to end their life…but no, probably not, because Tully says that you have to be intelligent to know that you suck and be depressed about your life enough to want to kill yourself and end up a beached whale. It would be cool to see whales jumping in real life though. Like…really real life, not on television…and Ellis wonders where you can go to see something like that? The Antarctic? The Arctic? Turns out that you can see whales jump around in both of those places, but you can’t see Penguins in the Arctic and you can’t see Santa in the Antarctic- they are mutually exclusive fuckers. So that means, as Tully says, that Santa has never seen a penguin, and no penguins have ever seen Santa. That’s kinda sad. But what would penguins even think of Santa? Are they colorblind? Would they just think that he’s some big, disformed, albino penguin? Hmmmm…

This somehow turns into Tully saying that he kind of misses chasing girls around aka ‘The Hunt’. He’s met girls who seemed mysterious and smart, but they really just knew when to not open their mouths to reveal that they were dumb as rocks, but that illusion was shattered at one point where one of these chicks got high and then it was just kind of funny. Oh weed…evening the playing field in the past, present, and for years to come. But Tully misses chasing girls around and flirting and kissing and all of that nonsense, probably because he’s married and doesn’t remember how shitty so much of it really is, but he is quick to say that he definitely doesn’t miss it enough to ditch his current lifestyle of being a hubby and a daddy to go and spend his nights getting drunk and chasing tail. Good save, Tully, good save. Ellis talks about how he is allowed to flirt (because Katie is awesome and really is the perfect woman for him) but he usually doesn’t take the flirting all that far because it just isn’t worth it. In the end, they also have to keep in mind that chasing girls now would be different than chasing girls then because now the girls are all older and shit (because they aren’t creepy and aren’t going to go out and chase 20 year olds) and that’s a game changer.

Ellis posted a new video to Ellismania.com last night, of him going off of a ramp and getting shit-whipped. He says that he had about an 80% chance of making it, but then he didn’t, and got knocked the fuck out. He was having fun right up until the lights went out, which is the important thing, and the only reason that he was there was because it was his home ramp (even though it wasn’t the same ramp anymore and was just in the same spot) and he was mostly out of the skating game at that point, but he was on the tour because he was still a fun guy to be around. On the plus side, after being knocked out he woke up in the hospital to a nurse giving his balls a nice warm sponge bath. For the win.

Ellis was on Frank DeCaro’s radio show this morning talking about his book with Frank and Doria. Tully asks Jason what it was like and Ellis gives the wonderful description that the Frank DeCaro show is a lot like The Jason Ellis Show, just more gay. Which really, is a glowing review when you think about it, because Ellis has no hate for gay people. He did say that he felt that it was the best interview that he did for his book, The Awesome Guide to Life, so far because Frank already knows him (which probably means all that bullshitty small talk was over with pretty quick) and because it’s on satellite radio they could have a real conversation about it. On terrestrial radio the subtitle of the book gets bleeped out…and that’s just lame as fuck if you ask me. Or Ellis. I’m sure that he thinks that’s lame as well. Tully and Ellis start talking about Frank DeCaro and how he’s really sort of a 70 year old man in a slightly younger man’s body because he’s into tons of old fashioned shit and owns cookbooks written by celebrities that neither Ellis or Tully have really ever heard of. Tully, however, does think that he’s a lot like Frank because he tends to have, what he calls, the Entertainment Taste of a Gay Man. Why? Well, maybe because when he went to put on Bob the Builder for DudeMan this morning so he could catch a couple extra winks, his DVR was simultaneously recording Frasier and The Golden Girls. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ellis then starts pressing a bunch of buttons and we hear songs, kitty meows (that may or may not be CumTard), and after hitting a button containing Andy Dick, Tully mentions that Mr. Dick is going to be doing a cameo for Sharknado 2 along with a shit ton of other celebrities who want to cash in, and is also going to be starring Mark McGrath. Killer Karaoke is going to be premiering tomorrow, so Tully makes the suggestion that they should DVR it on the studio’s TV since they have the capability of doing that, but CumTard shows up to shoot that idea down. Why? Because the board needs to be reconfigured to handle this new DVR power and at this point they’d only be able to either see or hear what was going on. Will is the only person who knows how to configure the board and he’s on the phone. CumTard keeps telling Tully that the DVR is good to go and Tully asks, “how can you say it’s ready to go, but we can’t use it?” and the crickets start chirping because there is no equivocating that question. That’s okay though, because Will puts his call on hold to ask Tully what he wants accomplished and without missing a beat tells Tully that it will not be a problem to get it worked out in time for Killer Karaoke’s premiere. Hi-five Wilson, for making things happen.

Tully tells Ellis that The Awesome Guide to Life seems to be doing well, and Ellis mentions that he wants people to take cool pics with the book so that he can retweet them like Jude is doing with Hyena, because that’s a really good idea. This is where Ellis actually mentions that the interview that he did with Frank DeCaro was the best one, but it fit better two paragraphs ago, and then they start talking about how the gay community seems to be more up to date with how people talk which is why Frank wasn’t offended by the shit that Ellis said in the book, and that the regular media is just way too uptight about all of this shit. Tully goes off on a mini rant about ‘traditional media’ and how they are a bunch of robots who all look the same and act the same and wear the same clothes and have the same views to establish some false sense of normality that they preach to people and make everyone watching them want to emulate their standard of normal so as to not be considered ‘weird’ and how the tide is currently turning due to the internet and everyone’s ability to directly interact with one another and go, “hey wait, everyone is really fucking weird”. But there are still people who are trying to hold on to that traditional media way of life and picture of normality which is where some of the backlash for AG2L comes from, because Ellis talks like he talks and says shit and dick and chick and whatever, but the ‘weird’ out there has the numbers to really make this a fight. Plus, everyone should remember that the mainstream media- the news shows, the late night shows, they are mostly geared toward the 50+ community who have only known this ‘standard of normal’ (that doesn’t actually exist) and yeah…fuck normal. They take some calls and Caller Aaron is mad that his friend lies about cross dressing while high on Crystal Meth and Ellis and Tully think that Aaron should be more concerned about the whole Crystal Meth part of that sentence. Caller Louie (and his wife) call because they’re having a debate about the sexual preferences of people who cross dress and Ellis and Tully lay down the wisdom that cross-dressing doesn’t make you guy, having sex with someone of the same sex is probably more what makes you gay (the wife won the debate). A couple other callers call about things that make you gay or mean you’re gay and then Caller Curtis calls. Caller Curtis is a first time caller and first time show listener who decided to give TJES a listen after hearing Ellis on the Frank DeCaro show this morning. He is a gay man and imparts the following wisdom to Ellis, Tully, and all of us listeners: being gay isn’t what you do, it’s who you are inside. Boom. Claps for Curtis. Caller Bob asks Ellis how many drag shows he’s been to, and Ellis has been to one in America, a bunch in Australia, and he went to the Tranny Awards over the weekend. The caller thinks that this is funny and Ellis shoots him off. Ellis says that he doesn’t mind drag shows, but he doesn’t like it when they fake sing, but Tully would probably be all over that so long as they don’t suck. A caller then calls and asks if a person in prison has sex with other dudes because he’s in prison and has no other options is gay…and it really depends…and Tully doesn’t have a solid answer. He regales us with a short tale about when he was in a long dry spell and he would get drunk and go on Craigslist for casual encounters because he was so desperate for beave, but in that time he never considered going to a gay bar where he probably could have gotten laid for sure. Prison sex happens, but Tully doesn’t really get it.

Back from the break (and yeah…all of that shit went on before the first break…this was not a show of many breaks) there’s a guest on the phone! Who is it? It’s Patrick ‘Durkin’ Cummins. If you don’t know who that is, don’t feel bad because I had no fucking idea either, but he is the guy who is currently slated to fight on the card in UFC 170 against Daniel Cormier after an injury knocked out Rashad Evans. Cummins is 4-0 but has no UFC fights under his belt. Ellis tells him that he is about to be a super star and then asks what he was doing prior to getting signed to the UFC a couple of days ago. Cummins tells Ellis how he was working two jobs as a Barista (he can make a heart out of your espresso, adorable) and as a Security Guard. Even if Cummins doesn’t win the fight against Cormier he will remain in the UFC as he has signed a multi-fight deal, but if you ask Cummins, he will tell you that he is going to win. He’ll also tell you that he’s fought/sparred with Cormier before and in that scrap he dropped him on his head and made him cry. Cummins feels that he has the cardio that Cormier doesn’t and while Cormier might be able to take him in a four minute fight, a fifteen minute UFC event is where Cummins is going to come out on top. He says a couple of times that he has nothing to lose, but Ellis points out that he has everything to gain and Cormier has a lot to lose, so it might motivate him to rip Cummins’ head off. Cummins also points out that Cormier has a lot more weight to cut than he does, and that he previously (Olympics) has had trouble cutting weight and he has to cut even more weight here. All in all, Cummins comes off as a determined but very affable guy, and I sort of hope he wins because he reminds me of my friend Dr. Marc who is like a big muscley puppy. Tully tells Cummins that he will be putting thousands of dollars that he doesn’t have on him to win so, you know, no pressure. You can follow Patrick Cummins on twitter if you want @officialdurkin, and you know that you do, in fact, want.

Off the phone, Will is instagramming himself with The Awesome Guide to Life, which is something that you should get on doing. Taking pics with the book, I mean, not being Will in their studio…because Ellis wants to retweet those pics!!! Speaking of The Awesome Guide to Life, Tully is started to get less fake angry and more real angry over the negative reviews coming from females in regard to the book. Why? Because it’s increasingly apparent after reading GQ’s article that these women aren’t even actually reading the book. They are being spoon fed random sentences and reacting out of context, which is just…bullshit. Although, as Tully points out to Ellis, being on GQ’s radar kind of means that you’re making it. Ellis says that he isn’t offended by people who are offended by him, because he gets it. He’s an asshole. He doesn’t sugar coat things. He is trying to be more understandable to women (of women?) but he’s doing it for himself, not for his critics or anyone else. We all know where I stand on this one. Tully points out that the book sort of allows readers to live vicariously through him, and it’s impossible that some of the people reviewing the book have actually read it because it is ridiculously apparent that this is a humorous book from an extreme guy living an extreme lifestyle. He is not telling everyone to go out and sleep with strippers and prostitutes. Get over yourselves negative reviewers. The Awesome Guide to Life is in the #1 slot on two separate Amazon lists though…so…wooo!!!! And ELLIS NEEDS MORE PICS WITH THE BOOK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!?!?! Oh wait, there’s one of the book next to an Ellismate tattoo, who’s that from? It’s from Jenni. Boom. Yeah…I just recapped Ellis mumbling my name. Tully said Hubbs’ tattoo was sweet. DoubleBoom.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack- Billy Ray Virus, President Death, Mr. Chick, Spreewell Menses, Captain Banana Trousers, Emergency Tits, Mr. FuzzyBottom, Mrs. BottomFuzz, Phil Myassin (With Dicks), The Polish Dinosaur, The Black Asian, JohnnyJohnny FuckFuck, Heavy Fingering, Neck Toddler, Napalm Turd, I Eat People, The Fart Whisperer, Fuck My Face, Frozen Shitknife III, and the Fifth Metallica. These were some epic fucking names and I almost didn’t get them all because I was laughing so hard. Captain Banana Trousers!!!!!! Amazeballs.

Back from the second break Tully reminds us all that he and Ellis are doing one of those Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) sessions tomorrow (Thursday 2/20/14) starting a 9:30AM Pacific Time, which is 12:30PM Eastern Time, and if you’re somewhere in between…add or subtract an hour as needed. The book is out. It’s real. It’s happening. I don’t know much about AMA’s, but with the anything goes questions, I’m sure it will be super interesting. There was supposed to be a game starting straight back from the break, but they aren’t ready because all of the contestants aren’t there, so CumTard gets his Bummy face kicked out of the studio for now. Ellis and Tully play a video shot by a dad who is sitting in his car and watching kids fall on patches of ice. Tully makes a couple of jokes about not knowing what the white stuff is because he’s a dick and he thinks 50 degrees is cold. It was 45 degrees out in New York today and I was like “Oh my fucking God, thank you for making it warm outside!” The dad doesn’t try and warn anyone about the ice, nor do the kids who are also standing around watching it happen also, and yeah, we’re all a bunch of assholes, because I saw that video and it was funny as hell. Ellis brings up Ronda Rousey and how her father killed himself when she was 8 and how it’s really tempting to think about how that affected her and maybe attributed to her current personality, but her mother was also a Judo Olympian famous for her arm-bars, so maybe Ronda was always going to be insanetastic (yeah, I won’t insult a bitch who can kill me). Tully asks what if she’s too good and there is truly no one who can even come close to beat her? Every great fighter needs a good rival, right? What if Miesha Tate is the best of the rest? Ellis thinks that there has to be someone out there who can beat her and Miesha did give her a pretty good run the second time around, just like there’s someone who can beat Anderson Silva- although apparently Anderson Silva can beat himself (Oh! Too soon? I don’t care! That was all Hubbs and I died laughing). CumTard came up with a short video of a little Russian girl walking on ice for the first time…since they’re just looking for ways to take up time until the game is a go, and all you hear is the girl crunching along on the ice until whack! Her head hits the ground. Ouch. In other news, the UFC and Dana White are talking about uniforms becoming a thing. Some people are having a shit fit over it, but Ellis and Tully are okay with it. Whatever. Lastly (at least for the purposes of this recap) archeologists (probably) have recently unearthed a 200 year old douche! Exciting, right? It was made out of an unidentified mammal bone and was found in Manhattan in the original city hall grounds/ruins/whathaveyou and they’re thinking that they basically uncovered the aftermath of a pretty bitching party because douches were the contraception of choice back in the day and it was found among empty bottles of booze and food containers. WooHoo!

Time for the game! Which is Smell! That! Dick! Wait…what? Well…seems like CumTard is going to do some CumTarded dick sniffing while wearing a Borat style unitard where his own junk is half falling out, much to the chagrin of Tully and Ellis. CumTard sniffs 3 anonymous dicks and tries to place their race…and he is correct. He squeals a couple of times and gets scared about dick hitting his face, but he accurately identifies a white dick, a Spanish dick, and some sort of dip (because there was no third dick available). The dick’s belong to Joanna Angel’s boyfriend who I only know by his twitter handle @the_small_hands and Foxxy @Foxxy702. They hang out in the studio for a while and talk some shop, including confirming that if CumTard had to have sex with any of the dick contestants it would, indeed, be Foxxy. There is some accusations of CumTard being a raging homophobe thrown out by Ellis, but Foxxy comes to CumTard’s defense and says that she doesn’t believe that because they are buds. They talk about CumTard needing to get his style together a little bit more, and Ellis tells him that he needs to stop wearing clothes that are too big on him to try and hide his fat because that just makes him look fatter. They all agree that he should look into dressing like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons who would gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today. Ellis asks Foxxy if she thinks that calling Trannies ‘Tranny’ is offensive, and she says that she doesn’t find it offensive, but she knows that some people do take it negatively, although she doesn’t understand why. They talk about Ellis going to the Tranny awards and Foxxy informs Ellis that the older guys who just wear a dress and lipstick and don’t go all out are considered more cross dressers or transvestites as opposed to being Trannies because it’s something they do for a special occasion and it isn’t the life that they live.

Back from the third break, Tully lets us all know that Friday is Chad Reed day!!! All listeners are invited to join in on the celebration by writing poems about good old Chad Reed. You can call in the show on Friday and try and get on air to read your poem, or you can write a poem to email to SubmitToEllis@gmail.com and have it read on the air for you. Make them good ones, guys!!!! It’s going to be a hell of a day!!! Then Will is in the studio for some sort of reason and sees CumTard half in his unitard and says how he was trying to avoid seeing him in the whole unitard because, I’m sure, he has seen enough frightening things in his lifetime. But, Tully shows him the pic of CumTard unitarding around with the book and Will asks that he ‘take it away’.

And then my Sirius App died. I feel like I really can’t be that mad at it, because it did a hell of a lot better this week than it did last week (thank goodness). I sent a tweet out to the tweeterverse asking what happened in approx. the last 20 minutes of the show and I was told by the one, the only AZ_RedDragon “Ummmm, after I was rockin my balls off to Danzig, they did some shit, it was funny, then final calls, not so funny #MyAppDiedToo”. So…there you go :)

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s not Christmas, it’s The Jason Ellis Show

The hunt is better than the kill

Will Pendarvis is really just an incarnation of Joe Cocker

There are so many reasons not to do meth

A Normal person knows what they want and are able to get it without sabotaging themselves and hurting other people, according to Tully

If you find your son wearing a dress and masturbating to his own reflection, you might want to keep an eye on his Facebook page

Buffalo Bill shit is abducting fat chicks, starving them until they’re skinny, and making clothes out of their skin- for the record

The second you (a guy) pinpoints the ‘hot guy’, you’re probably gay

No gay man wants to have sex with a guy in an Affliction shirt

Ellis and Tully are ahead of their time

Cary Hart and Chad Reed both had back surgery today

Children are savages

Look out for Booze and Douching- the new song from HateBean

Tully got to use real shampoo this morning but only has a banana for a snack

The media is distracting you with Shia LeBouf and Obamacare because they don’t want the truth to get out about Surf Rage

Farts say more words than Dolphins

CumTard thinks he has the body of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He doesn’t. He has the body of Master Splinter.

There should be more Trannies at the Golden Globes, because then the Golden Globes would be interesting.

Tweet your Awesome Guide To Life pics to Ellis @Ellismate he will be picking a pic of the week every week and the person who took that pic is gonna get hooked up

Go buy Awesome Guide to Life if you haven’t done it already! It’s amazing! I finished it yesterday and you’ll be hearing my thoughts on it soon!!!!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 2/18/14

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If there’s one sound I hate, it’s the sound of people with no appointment who didn’t call to ask ahead if we’ve got time coming in the front door at my work, interrupting a conversation I’m already having with another customer, talking like they’re a regular ass customer even though we’ve never worked on their shit before, acting like I need to drop fucking everything to fix whatever the fuck they got going on, not letting me get a word in edgewise, telling me all the shit they’ve never had a problem with, not getting to the fucking point when I ask them what their car is doing and not having the decency to tell me your fucking name cause I’m supposed to just magically know who the fuck you think you are. That sound makes me want to torque a kitten’s head clean off, just to prove the point that you need to get your attitude under control before you start making my day that much more difficult for no legitimate fucking reason. I refer you to the Screeching Weasel song “Beginningless Vacation” to properly express my sentiments on this kind of behavior. Luckily, that shit came and went and now I can focus on things that actually brighten my day, like The Jason Ellis Show! Today’s show started, very appropriately, with a little ditty by Elvis Costello about writing a book, and if you don’t get the joke it’s cause Ellis’ new book “The Awesome Guide to Life” came out today, so go get a copy of that shit, if all else fails you can use it as a door stop so the kids don’t bust in while you’re slamming your way through thousands of incredibly morally loose women!!! And then he played The Beatles’ “Paperback Writer”!!! IT JUST DOESN’T GET ANY PUNNIER THAN THAT, DAD!!! IT REALLY FUCKING DOESN’T!!! GOD DAMMIT DAD HOW ABOUT YOU WATCH SOMETHING BRITISH AND TRY TO HONE THAT WIT JUST A FUCKING TOUCH, YOU’RE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! Then Ellis started talking about how our Presidents are all murderers and every last one except Jimmy Carter should be tried and hung, and maybe Jimmy Carter too, just not for murder. There was some more talk about the book and how last time Jason signed a bunch of books husband/wife writer team stopped by the publishing warehouse and got kicked in the teeth by the fact that a dyslexic Australian skateboarder is signing 1000 books and people actually want them. Jason’s gonna be taking his medicine show on the road doing interviews and stuff and pissing off more Texan bloggers who don’t know how to take a joke and make assumptions about what other people really think. Tully and Jason talked a while about the book and what’s in it, but without too much detail so there were no spoilers for all of us that haven’t read it yet. There was more marketing and interview chatter which was very hard for me to pay attention to because there were loud noises and customers in my shop and I was pounding out a bacon cheeseburger like a donkey fucking a watermelon. But it sounds like it’s off to a good start. Jason is gonna be on Adam Carolla’s podcast and Loveline to promote the hell out of it. Andrea recently started going back to school and it was supposed to make for more time for Jason to spend with the kids, but the timing of it is so terrible that he’s actually gonna be seeing them way less, but it’s gonna work out in it’s own way. Luckily, this shit is only gonna be a one week festival of self-help humor bullshit, so the wing is gonna be at his nest with no concerns really soon. Luckily, Dr. Drew has a really trustworthy boner, so if Katie needs to babysit and he shows up, it’s a no harm no foul situation. Jude stopped by to talk parenting and fucking the babysitter, and I was cracked out on the Foreally show all weekend, so this is a very welcome addition to the show for me. Jude is confident that his daughter is gonna be a square, straight laced kid, almost the complete polar opposite of him, and he’s actually as happy about that as a parent could be. They got into some of the deeper effects of how the personalities may be different, but the character flaws are all gonna be the same when it comes to the guys their daughter is gonna date. Jude is even gonna bring it to the level of how your dad farts and how your daughter is gonna gravitate to that familiar stank and rhythm. Tully has found that part of this is true because his sister and his mom are like twins separated at birth even though they’re a generation apart from each other. It really goes to show you that so many people really do grow up to be and/or fuck their parents. The guys talked books and stuff again, cause Jude dropped his book Hyena a little while ago. Then Jude gave a shout out to the official vagina of NoYouAre, the one and only Jenni Mazowiesky, cause she stopped by his show to hang out the other day and it was a great time for everybody. This got the discussion turned to how you make a logo to market yourself with, like Jason with the Wolfknives and all the RDS stuff he endorses. Jude has also been working out with ropes and kettlebells and shit and it’s been working great for him, so it’s great to know he’s got the cardio to handle all that ketamine. Ha also let Jason know that he still uses cashmere socks to jerk off with, when a silk scarf is unavailable. Using his drawls use to be the standard move, but Jude’s cum is too acidic for a simple pair of tightey-whitey’s to handle. Basically, everything in Jude’s house is covered in jizz at any given time, so if you’re there for a visit, y’know, BYOB or whatever you need to do. A doctor called in to chime in on the whole cumming-in-socks habit, and basically everyone has fungal spores on their feet and socks, so unless they’re oven sterilized, you shouldn’t be jerking into socks or cleaning your dick off with a pair of them. Then Jude propositioned him for a hook-up on some painkillers and the dude maybe knew a dude and they traded pager numbers to handle some shit later. A guy called in to share his experience with athlete’s wang cause back in high school he banged out the campus harlot and hadn’t yet learned about the wonders of tough actin’ Tinactin. Jude only switched to socks cause condoms smell funny and he used to have something known as a fuck egg, which is not as mysterious as you think, it’s pretty much a stretchy latex egg that you beat your dick to pieces inside of. The guys read some of the reviews and Jude found out there were a lot more variations to these eggs than he was aware of before, so maybe it’s time to take a second run with them. Jason went to the tranny awards over the weekend and (SHOCKING) there was a whole fuckload of tranny porn stars and such hanging around and getting awards for things and it sounds like everybody had a great time. Ellis was seated at a table with Jenna Jameson, who has continued her recent run of fucking whacknoodles insanity that all the tabloids are talking about, like talking mad shit on Tito and getting topless on her website so that her webmaster will give her a new password. There was some talk about all the different styles of trannies and how Jude didn’t even realize that Foxxy had a dick when he met her at EllisMania 8 and was eyeballing that shit all night. Just as Jude was leaving, a delivery of flowers came in for Jason and Tully from Betsy, the only fan who is organized and can get things done when Ellis doesn’t really ask for/need it. Of course, aside from all the gender bending adventures that Jason had, there was also a UFC this weekend, and after Metallica cranks it up to eleven on your massive clit penis, we’ll get to talking about it.

 

Our old friend Kenda Perez called in, with special guest GPS voice, to discuss the fights that went down over the weekend. Also, Dominic Cruz was on conference call with them, so that added to the festivities. Jason and Dominic have a bet going that if Jason can land a punch on the Dominator, then Cruz is gonna have to get Jason’s name tattooed on his ass by some monster energy promo girl, and vice versa if Jason can’t do it. After getting that out of the way, there was a bunch of talk about MMA and fight techniques and what white people didn’t get punched in the face that should have and I didn’t watch any of it cause I camped in front of my Playstation with the Foreally show on blast for two and a half days straight, so I have no opinion, but it sounds like the only thing the UFC was missing this weekend is white people getting punched in the face. But luckily, we all know that Kenda slept in nothing but an EllisMate T-shirt and has been pretty much living in her new Red Dragons hoodie, so if you know all the designs it really easy to imagine that draped over her willing, powerless body, just waiting for you to snap one off across her grille like a creepy BDSM good morning victimization kind of thing. There was supercross this weekend too, and Chad Reed participated, so it’s good to see his injuries from the last one haven’t slowed him down too much, but it was a tough one for him, so he may be rethinking finishing out the season or taking a few races off to recuperate. The guys took some phone calls and people chimed in to say that the books are getting delivered on time, unlike the debut Death!Death!Die! album.There’s a video floating around the internet of Ken Block rolling his rally car right at the most crucial part of the season, costing him a season championship. Basically, after pounding out a few wins, there was a fucked up high spot in the road under some weeds that they wouldn’t have been able to see and it flipped his car ass over tea kettle, almost taking his spotter’s arm off and generally turning one 650HP Ford Fiesta into a one-ton heap of scrap metal. It sounds like more of a failure on the part of the track inspectors who forgot to mention where the road narrowed and this god damn car flipping hump in the dirt was. And as a true testament of how little Ken gives a fuck, once the car landed right side up again, he actually tried to restart the engine and take off, not realizing that a lot of the most important parts were strewn across the countryside, including the wheels, which are usually quite important when trying to win a race or make an object move across a generally flat surface. Wilson got called in to explain why the hell he insists on adding music to the logs for Jason to use based on completely arbitrary circumstances and very inconsequential tidbits of information from recent things Jason has been doing. Basically, Pendarvis is a cunt hair away from finding a great reason, that doesn’t really exist, to slip some Dave Matthews band in after a segment about someone wrecking a car or having sex with a mule.

 

Thursday is gonna be jam packed for the wing, he’s gonna be doing a Q&A on Reddit, and the radio show, and Loveline and a whole gang of shit too. But that’s nothing compared to Tully who’s gonna have a wife who’s doing a no sugar or wheat or processed or fun or tasty or nutritional or fulfilling diet and it’s almost like having a chick with rampant PMS, only that she could have a particularly bad round of PMS during her self induced PMS, so it’s almost like when you punch a bull and don’t run away fast enough. The guys talked a while about all the frontier medicine and ten dollar per ounce bullshit organic products that are simply nothing but someone’s inflated opinion about people who like science, capitalizing on the well paid and poorly informed masses who think that riding a fixie bike at 12 MPH in the far left lane of a three lane expressway is gonna save the environment, not considering that every car that’s backing up behind them is polluting three times as much and burning way more gas at low RPM in first gear waiting for this lycra clad post-revolutionary to get the fuck off the road and get behind the counter at Kinko’s where he fucking belongs. But enough about all that, cause Dana White is on the phone to talk some more UFC with the boys. Considering that he’s the president of that organization, he seems to know quite a bit about all the fighters and events, so it was refreshing to hear a well informed voice speaking about the subject. Recently, Dana pulled down a barrista who was in the process of being fired from working the drive-thru window when Dana called to let him know he’s got bigger and better things to work for and that he should tell his boss that venti doesn’t even mean twenty in Italian and that Starbucks can gargle some load with their fucking disgusting diarrhea water coffee, and that everyone behind the counter should probably listen to the MMA fighter who could snap all of them in half when he’s saying he’s got a really good reason to need to take a phone call at work. After Dana excused himself to go continue mobbing up more fighters for his semi-legal but wholly entertaining organization, Jason asked the fans to make sure that every tweet for the next day or so could include #TheAwesomeGuideToLife or #AwesomeGuideToLife or whatever the fuck they settled on for the hashtag. But failing that haswhtag trending all over the world, Jason asked a bunch of friends like Tony Hawk and Rob Dyrdek to give a shout when they can, but didn’t ask Carey Hart cause he’s getting back surgery and it would be a little tasteless to go asking for favors from somebody’s possible deathbed. But not nearly as bad as the interpreters at the UFC, that shit is like trying to make a four year old read Siddhartha in front of a room full of Nobel Lauriates. The guys kicked around more MMA talk for a while and stuff, and that was probably great for all the folks with opinions on it. So, last week Jetta declared that 90% of the fans are idiots, and while that may be sort of true, so the guys called him into the studio to remind him that it’s not that god damn difficult to make sure the talent has water to drink while they’re talking for four hours. He also can’t keep a microphone next to his face properly when trying to respond to the many accusations that he’s now left himself open to by ostracizing the fans. Ellis and Tully cooked up a game for Jetta to play so that he can back up his claims about the caller’s intelligence and see if he’s really that fucking smart and special. First question, who was the fourth President of the USA? Jetta’s answer was compared to three callers who answered that it was either Grover Cleveland, John Quincy Adams or Jeff, uh fucking, David, and Jetta’s answer was Andrew Jackson, and nobody was correct but doesn’t single out Jetta as being superior to anybody just yet. Next question was how many cups are in a gallon? And for a guy who deals in quarts and pints and gallons all day the way I do, it was a simple mathematical equation for me, but the callers said it was either 32, 16 or 24, and Jetta answered 16, proving that one out of three callers and Jetta were correct. Next question, who won last year’s Stanley Cup? The callers estimated it was either The Bruins, the L.A. Kings or someone else that I didn’t hear, and Jetta answered the Detroit Red Wings, and none of them were correct, especially since the L.A. Kings are a basketball team but Ellis let that one slide cause it was a really cute sounding lady that gave that answer. It was the Chicago Blackhawks, in case you’re wondering, and since I’m planning to move to Canada I should probably start taking in some of this kind of info on the off chance it can prevent me from getting deported back to Oakland or some backward ass farming community in Europe somewhere that my ancestors are from. NEXT QUESTION!!! What war was the backdrop for the TV show M.A.S.H.? The callers suggested Vietnam, Vietnam, and Vietnam, and Jetta answered Vietnam as well, but if you ever actually paid some god damned attention while you were watching that show, you would know that it was KOREA!!! And as an interesting sidenote, the Korean war only lasted about 2 and a half years, but the show M.A.S.H. lasted for almost eleven, just goes to show you that Hollywood will keep whipping the carcass as long as the ratings are good. Next question, how much does Jason’s penis weigh? The callers guessed that it was either 6 pounds soft, 3.7 pounds, or 100 pounds and Jetta answered one ounce, and even though 6 pounds was correct, Jason decided to mail a book to the guy who said 100 pounds cause it is nice to have one’s ego stroked from time to time. The next question for Jetta and the fans was what is the second amendment to the US constitution? The callers said it was either the right to bear arms, the right to bear arms, or the right to bear arms, and Jetta was correct in writing down the same answer as all those three dudes. Next muthafuckin’ question, party people, NAME THE CAPITOL OF EITHER NORTH OR SOUTH DAKOTA!!! The answers given by the callers were Dakota, Bear-fox, and Pierre and Jetta was so shook by the question that he didn’t even bother to answer, making the one guy who answered Pierre correct on this particular occasion. Next dose of party trivia, who is the rime Minister of Canada? The callers answered that it was either Sasquatch, Santa Claus or Steven Harper, all of which trumped Jetta’s answer of Rob Ford, the crack smoking obese alcoholic mayor of Toronto (who I fully intend to party with if it guarantees me a Canadian green card, plus I just want to see a ridiculously fat guy spun out of his balls in a perfectly friendly setting, cause I never got to meet Chris Farley and hat was probably a great show to be around). Jetta, proving his tardedness once again, was trumped by the answer of Steven Harper, whose name I’m almost guaranteed to forget even though I might need to know it when I move to Canada, unless that whole Rob Ford citizenship-for-yayo arrangement works out for me. Next question, who is the current points leader in supercross? The callers suggested it was either Ryan Villapoto, Jason Ellis, or what’s that again? Jetta answered Villapoto, but unfortunately nobody was correct because the real leader for this season was never revealed but I’m sure people who are paying attenton know who it is and that’s what’s really important. Next question, what are the colors of the Australian flag? Callers surmised that they were either “I hope I know by the time they put me on the air”, red white and blue, or red white and blue, and Jetta answered blue and white which earned him a spin of the wheel of doom. Jetta bowed out to the fact that maybe his original estimate of 90% may have been a bit high on the caller-to-idiot ratio. That will not protect him from emotional abuse at the hands of his employers and customers though, and rightly so, cause it doesn’t pay to be a twat. To be fair though, the intern Hardcore doesn’t know what the Australian flag looks like either and has no interest in traveling the world, so at least he’s got a good excuse. After busting Jetta’s balls a little while longer, Jetta apologized to the audience and the guys let him go back to the phones to continue being abused by the clientele. As an olive branch to the EllisFam, Jetta volunteered to give a foot massage to the grodiest set of feet that can get an afternoon off work to come down to the studio and transmit some athlete’s wang to Jetta’s hands.

 

HOLLYWOOD NEWS TIME FUCKERS!!! The race for worst song of 2014 is in full swing as Billy Ray Cyrus has re-recorded “Achey-Breakey hearty” this time with guest vocals from someone claiming to be Dionne Warwick’s son and a backbeat that is just unacceptable and quite frankly if you need any more proof that country is dead, you should probably be fucking executed yourself cause you’re fucking up the gene pool. Same with white girls that have no ass who feel the need to twerk and decided to do so on the new Billy Ray Cyrus video! Also, Sharknado 2 is in the process of being filmed, and one of the stars is friend of the show Mark McGrath. Also, Jason almost got blackballed into talking about George Zimmerman on Dr. Drew On Call, but the producers there were reasonable enough to understand his view on it and let him sit that segment out. Long story short, it wouldn’t hurt the media’s bottom line to have some god damn dignity and quality control with the content they put out. Somebody called in to suggest that Jason should try out for Sharknado 2 and although it would be great publicity for the Awesome Guide to Life, there’s really no legitimate reason that should happen. The Sharknado franchise has jumped the Sharknado, in my personal opinion. Axl Rose’s ex wife recently had a photo shoot with her two sons and some of the images really make it look like the mom is in a love triangle with her two sons. And in case it wasn’t shockingly obvious, Ellen Page is a taco bumper, and not just cause it’s trendy, she’s team V all the way. Barbara Walters is 84 years old and shrinking fast. She also told her “The View” co-hosts about her vibrator which is making yesterday’s lunch rise back up in my throat, so let’s move on. And Shia LeBouf is making a terrible attempt at retiring from public life cause Hardcore the intern did a little recon on him and found an art exhibit with himself as the subject, where he will sit across from you at a table with a paper bag over his head and you can do whatever you want to his semi-conscious body as he just sits there and cries. Hardcore got an Instagram video of his experience at this exhibit. He even got to watch the Bouf eat a Hershey’s kiss under a paper bag. So, pretty much safe to say that LeBouf is pretty much the next Corey Feldman and/or Haim. The guys turned to the phones to finish out the show and it was a lot less ridiculous than normal, so that’s good. If you haven’t gotten your hands on a copy of the Awesome Guide to Life yet, you should swing by Barnes and Noble and get a dog up ya. Some guy called in to ask Jason his queef experience and we’ve all seen the Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat, so we know exactly what a queef is and it really doesn’t require that much conversation. Tully found a news story about a snake handler priest who was recently killed after suffering several poisonous snake bites, because not getting bitten doesn’t mean that god likes you, it means that you’ve gotten lucky and haven’t pissed off the snake in a good long time. There were some more phone calls and stuff, and that was all fine and dandy and shit. The guys had to cut it short though, cause Tony Hawk’s Demolition Radio was live and somehow that was preventing Tony from helping promote Jason’s new book.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Meeting My Man Crush- Diary of a Fangirl

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This is the worst pic of me ever...but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

This is the worst pic of me ever…but Hubbs and Jude are amazing

It’s been a couple of days since I got to go to SiriusXM in Manhattan and hang out with Rude Jude and to be completely honest…I am still in complete superhappygiddysillybitch mode and am currently spending my days half spaced out reliving the entire experience. From declaring him my #mcm to finding out he was in The City (because that’s what we call it in New York- it’s The City, not New York City) to the DM sesh that held the invite of a lifetime to trudging through the gray slurpee (that’s all Jude btw) that Manhattan is in a snow storm, being on The All Out Show, and hanging with Jude and Hubbs afterward…it was one of the best nights of my life!! No exaggeration. I know of precious few other situations where I could have freezing, soaking wet feet for 8 hours and not even think about being cranky over it.

Where to begin?!?!?!?! In proper story-telling style, and in order to fill in the blanks for those of you who may have not been following the saga (wtf is wrong with you for not examining my life under a microscope, by the way), I will start from the beginning. I was born in 1987…just kidding, really bad joke, I know, but see above re: superhappygiddysillybitch mode.

I first realized I had a crush on Jude over the summer. I didn’t think of it as any big thing, because I like to think of myself as a grown up and everything…but then Jack the Cunt was premiered on TJES and I was basically done for. Or so I thought. Thennnn…I found out Mr. Jude Angelini penned a book by the name of Hyena, which I read (allegedly 4 times to date), and I was truly done for. I smile like an idiot every Tuesday when he is on the show, which makes Hubbs look at me like I am either slightly insane or acting more weird than usual. Imagine my glee when I got an email about NYA doing an interview with new author Rude Jude. I squealed, emailed everyone that I had a crush on him, and went to sleep hoping I would wake up with interview worthy questions. The following monday I bit the bullet and made him my Man Crush Monday on Instagram. He noticed. Then, about two weeks later, he was flying out to New York to do some promoting for Hyena, and that’s where the adventure really begins.

well...this is awkward

well…this is awkward

I nearly exploded last Monday when he told me that I was “more than welcome” to come by the show. That may not even accurately describe my reaction, but I’m trying to play it cool over here, which is something that I suck at. I talked it over with Hubbs, trying to see if it would be possible with work and all (people’s heat likes to break a lot when it snows…and then they get all twitchy about freezing to death) but we decided that, Fuck It, this isn’t something that happens every day and we were going to make it work. I told Jude that I would love to come, he told me that Hubbs was absolutely invited to hang as well, and we figured out the best day and time. I spent Monday through Wendesday night pestering Hubbs that we HAD to leave work EXACTLY on time because, of course, we were getting hit by a snow storm on Thursday and there was NO WAY we were going to be late. No. Way.

such a geek

such a geek

So, yeah…we were late. Super late. I spent the entire morning cursing every snow flake that fell (they weren’t even flakes…they were full on balls…snowman sized balls falling from the fucking sky), double checking the train schedule for delays (because driving to The City at that point was out of the question) and reminding Hubbs that we had to leave EXACTLY ON TIME!!!! I really don’t know how he puts up with my OCD sometimes- the man is a saint. We left work exactly on time.

I'm smiling like an idiot...and so is he (for him)

I’m smiling like an idiot…and so is he (for him)

But the train was delayed. And then it was converted into a local train instead of an express train. SiriusXM is only about 15 blocks from Penn Station, which is nothing, so we hauled ass through calf-deep puddles of dirty, slushy, frozen snow/water grossness and made it there in decent time. I was pretty sure that they wouldn’t let me in the building with my soaking wet feet, but they didn’t spend too much time looking at my feet. I think they were rather distracted by the giant bodyguard that I had along with me. SiriusXM is in a posh building that doesn’t boast the fact that there is a studio inside of it at all, and the lobby just has a handful of guards who stare daggers at you while you walk to the security desk. It was easier getting backstage in Carnegie Hall. They let us upstairs eventually, where we were waylaid by another guy behind a desk, but after some phone calls and DM’s and me checking the time about 7 thousand times, Jude came out to get us.

It. Was. Awesome. He said hi and we all shook hands and he led us back to Shade45’s studio, which is a glass walled high tech wonderdome ensconsed by a dark burgandy purplish curtain. We said hi to Lord Sear and Jude asked why we didn’t have New York accents since we were from New York, but seemed more satisfied that the more we talked the more he could hear it. Hubbs talked to Jude and Sear about the equipment while I sat in awe and wanted to pinch myself because, holy shit, this was really happening. He asked about how I got started with No You Are, and asked about my Filterlessness blog and thanked us for coming down. When it was time for them to get back on air Jude pushed my seat toward the mic pointed to the headphones and told me to “get ready”. I almost pissed myself. Secret time- I’m charming and fearless as fuck on social media, but I’m a fluffy bunny in real life. I don’t talk a lot in front of people I don’t know and I was about to go on air.

holy crap...nervous!!

holy crap…nervous!!

It was a whirlwind. It went so fast and so slow at the same time. We talked about No You Are, my blog, sex, how scary Hubbs looks, sex, sex, and more sex. Needless to say…my daddy will NEVER hear that audio. Ever. I didn’t even want to hear it because I hate the sound of my own voice. Off-air Jude talked about Hyena, about how he spends his days on Twitter and Instagram doing everything that he can to promote the shit out of it, and how he was going to hook up with a hot foreign porn chick later that night. Awesome.

After the show ended he asked what we were up to, if we were gonna hang around in The City at all, and recommended that if we wanted a good Italian spot for dinner we should check out the Olive Garden. Apparently, he loves that joke. We told him we were gonna hang around and have some fun because, why not, and he said he’d walk around with us for a while. First he took us to see Cullen, but Cullen wasn’t there anymore, and Jude told Hubbs to sit in his seat and take a picture to send to him.

Hubbs at Cullen's desk

Hubbs at Cullen’s desk

We laughed about it and I pointed out a rad RDS sticker on the side of his desk, which made Jude ask, “What’s with the Red Dragons thing?” Hubbs told him to ask Ellis, but Jude thought it was disrespectful that he didn’t know anything about it. And he hasn’t read ‘I’m Awesome’. Hubbs explained the whole ‘Red Dragons thing’ and…I didn’t talk much. I think I had my fill on the air. Hubbs, however, didn’t want to be on air all that much, but is a social butterfly so while we walked through Manhattan he and Jude talked about his voice “It’s from smoking too many cigarettes and acid reflux”, riding crotch rockets (Jude doesn’t but Hubbs was trying to convince him to try it out), the gray slurpee that the streets were, promoting Hyena, Ellisfam, how Hubbs and I met and how long we’ve been together, the Bub, everything. Jude talked about deciding to self publish because he didn’t want his book to be changed due to its content in order to please a big publisher and I actually chimed in to say that overall it was a smart idea because publishers care about marketability and a books ability to sell, and with Hyena selling out three times so far on Amazon he’s proving that he has selling power. It then occurred to Jude to ask why we hadn’t brought a copy of Hyena to be signed by him…and well…we hadn’t received our Valentine’s editions (because we ordered 2 so we didn’t have to share- can you feel the love?) and because I’m slightly moronic when I’m a bag of nerves and when I was cleaning out my bag before catching the train I left Hyena in the truck. But, for me, I just have a good reason to bug him in the future. Oh, by the way, if you follow Hyena and Jude as closely as I do, you may know that there were supposed to be three new stories in the Valentine’s Edition and they aren’t there. Jude told me when I said we had ordered the V-day copies because I was excited for the new stories that there were some technical difficulties and he wasn’t able to upload them, which is sad, but…honestly…I’m a writer (I want nothing more in life than to achieve some measure of writing success) and buying two more copies of a book that I already own to support another writer is nbd to me.

Jude for President

Jude for President

We parted ways with Jude downtown after Hubbs gave him a couple ideas of places to go with the chick he was meeting. Jude and Hubbs did that bro hug thing where you’re shaking hands, hi-fiving, and hugging all at once (and I’ll never understand it…just hug…no homo) and Jude gave me a hug and we all told each other that meeting each other was awesome. It still seems crazy how excited Jude really seemed to meet Hubbs and I, and the whole night and experience has left me with the impression that, like Ellis, he is a man who cares about his fans and is truly thankful for them. He even told me that he doesn’t hate on his Instagram doppleganger- so long as that motherfucker promotes Hyena. He loves Ellis, he loves Ellisfam, and he gave Hubbs a night that we will never forget.

So Blurry...sorrynotsorry

So Blurry…sorrynotsorry

Hubbs and I stayed in The City for a few hours afterward, and I won’t bore you with the details because…yeesh…this was long…but I will tell you that when we went to dinner at a wonderful hole in the wall restaurant known only as ‘BBQ- The Original’ the people at the table next to us were talking about the All Out Show. Boom.

Big thanks to Rude Jude and Lord Sear for the good time!!!! It was amazing!!!

 

P.S. At least this nonsense went over sooooooooo much better than when I met Ellis a couple of years ago. My brobro was kind enough to remind me of that meeting yesterday (which is necessary since I was mostly too drunk to remember that Ellis humped me for a full half-minute before I realized it was him…only to turn and say I had thought he was Hubbs…and omg your show is awesome and I love Joe)