Hello and welcome to the first Wednesday recap of the new year. I hope my droning and awful recap makes you appreciate the people who do a great job on this site. Jason started the show talking about how he was thinking about getting a gun, but realized his awesome Onnit maces and bats would do some serious work on any intruder (provided the intruder didn’t have a gun). Tully had a different angle on weapons, he thinks that if you are going to get a weapon, you should take it account that the intruder may take it from you and then turn it on you. His solution is to lock yourself in your bedroom and tell them to take what they want, and hope they don’t rob you completely blind. I’m willing to give Tully more credit than that though, I think if someone broke into his house and he was wearing the right pair of heels, he could throw it at them hard enough to bruise them real bad. All hail, the Queen in the west.

God knows why, but Ellis did a photo shoot for The Wall Street Journal today. The boys talked a bit about the Agenda trade show. Ellis felt like he was back in school and a lot of people he wanted to see didn’t want to see him or stop by the show and it all felt really weird. The chicks were hot though, so that made the trip mostly worth while. Speaking of hot chicks, Tully is finding himself increasingly attracted to Ethiopian chicks because they are ridiculously skinny but they are packing DAT ASS, SON! Oh, speaking of guests on yesterday’s show, Cumtard got an email from a chick who wanted to be on the show named Debbie Cakes. Long story short, Kevin replied “Who is that?” thinking they were just snack cakes and then never got a reply. Well apparently Debbie Cakes is a rapper by the name of Lil’ Debbie and she runs with Creashawn and Riff Raff and Andy Milonakis, meaning she would probably be a good guest. There was some debate on whether or not Snack Cake rapper lady should have emailed him back but in the end, who gives a shit?

Travis Pastrana called in to talk about the travelling Nitro Circus, his concussions and sending cripples, couches and women off ramps and stuff. Ellis learned about a burrito vending machine, and later on Jetta ran to the machine to bring them back to the guys. Tully was sketchy on his Chorizo burrito and didn’t finish it, but Ellis was pumped on his chicken one. The very idea of a burrito vending machine is freaking amazing. Granted, as Tully pointed out, you are eating a microwave burrito but still the fact remains: Burrito vending machine.

Walt Disney wrote a letter to Meryl Streep saying he wouldn’t hire her dumb Jewish ass because women are stupid.

Shark news was largely about how the shark news intro kind of sucks, so Ellis made Will come in to do a new intro. Turns out being an angry shark is very therapeutic for Will, and he is probably going to get into shark cosplay as soon as he gets a girl he doesn’t have to drug and/or bludgeon with a cinderblock. The real shark news was Leonardo Dicaprio told a story on Ellen about one time he was in a cage feeding sharks and one got through the cage and chomped at him a bit, but it was probably bullshit.

Wolfknives names were handed out on air today for a handful of lucky new members. Unluckily, however, this is Wednesday, so if you were hoping I wrote any of them down you are going to be more disappointed than Cumtard’s family is about his existence.

Dennis Rodman story we’ve all heard. The guys talked about North Korea and how there are roving packs of naked feral children attacking people and stealing food. The kids don’t know how to speak any language and are completely cut off from society. Seriously, one of the most fucked up countries on Earth. And when that doughy, lumpy-headed sack of shit(Kim Jong Un) finally catches some shrapnel in his gut and bleeds out like the pig he is, we are going to learn so much more about this twisted little corner of the world.

Next up was a Shocking Movie Review with Kevin Kraft. In case you don’t know this segment, Kevin puts on a shock collar and attempts to review a new movie. The catch is that Tully puts together a list of words he can’t say during the review or else he gets shocked. Today’s movie was The Wolf of Wall Street starring Leonardo Dicaprio and Jonah Hill and directed by Martin Scorcese. The words he couldn’t say were: Money, stock, wall, street, wolf, Leonardo, Jonah, parties, drinking, Scorcese, movie, boat, cocaine, boobs, tits, hour, guy, champagne, or hair. Between the fits of howling and screaming, the Cumtard said it was a damn good movie though.

Google auto complete game was played, so if you like that segment check on demand, because it’s a hard one to recap. Juggalos are now considered a gang by the federal government, and it’s either a good thing or a bad thing depending on who you ask. But Jason and Tully eventually concluded it was a good thing, because if Juggalos are doing shit to get themselves arrested, then fuck them. To make matters worse, people wouldn’t stop calling about the God damn Juggalos, no matter how many times the guys tried to change the topic. And with that, Jason tried to turn final calls over to the listeners again and it just sort of ended. I don’t particularly care for any of the regular guys who recap the show, mostly because they do a better job than I do. Fuck you, guy. But those guys are better than the shitheads who don’t know what to do and just want to hear themselves on the radio. I’ve taken to calling it the Final Call Fizzle because I’m such a clever fucking douche. Speaking of not knowing how to come to a satisfying ending…

Let me just start this by letting you all know that I’m incredibly sore all over, and not from fucking your mom cause I got that ho on lock and she paid for a massage with a happy ending after I blasted out her vag. No, my kind of sore is from putting in real legitimate work, unlike this website where I am blessed with the opportunity to have brain diarrhea all over your face in almost complete anonymity. Oh, and a belated happy new year or Kwanzaa or whatever excuse you use to get raging drunk and eat too much and try to stab one of your relatives in December. Today is the SECOND all new Jason Ellis show of 2014 and it kicked off with Ellis and the boys reporting live from the Agenda trade show, where all the makers of action sports clothing and accessories meet up to hawk their wares like some old timey Arabian bazaar. If you don’t remember the story, Ellis once missed a trade show to stay in his hotel room all weekend doing cocaine with a guy that seemed like he was gonna either die from a heart attack or bust through a wall Kool-Aid man style because he “had to get out of there.” But today is a different story, cause the only booth Ellis has to work is the radio booth. However, since it’s in public, I’m guessing they’re not gonna be allowed to rip anybody’s nuts off with an RC car or make anybody get naked and abuse someone with a strap on, but I’ve never been to the Agenda show so maybe they’ll let it fly. Ellis started the show talking about how his ego probably runs a big part of his day, but at the same time, Tully is Queen of the West, so maybe it’s more common than everybody thinks. Right off the bat, Ellis noticed that there’s a good looking crowd at the trade show, and Tully has to agree. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show last night and met Anderson Cooper, who is apparently a gay man who burned his eyeballs. I don’t watch news, so I couldn’t verify this, but it seems to be a correct assessment of the situation. The Drew show is way more serious than Ellis, but he was able to weigh in on important subjects that are floating around the news, like that girl who’s brain dead after getting her tonsils removed, that the parents want to keep alive on the insurance company’s dime. Now, since I work in the auto industry, I know just how good it feels to fuck the insurance man in the ass with a broken shovel. However, there’s more layers to this story than my asinine jokes, so I’ll leave this to the people who are actually involved with it. Ellis spotted pro skateboarder Jay Thomas out in the crowd and gave him a shout out. There was also some old guy with a fuckload of tattoos walking around dressed as a cop. There was some talk about the history of this particular trade show and how hot bitches are really the greatest marketing tool in all of history. Ellis is learning things about politics from all his guest appearances on Dr. Drew’s show lately, and while I can’t stand the shit, it’s making the homo-mance between Ellis and Tully that much stronger, because Tully is getting more into moto from all the time he spends with Jason. Cumtard is officially an employee now, and came by to talk about how much it sucks to be out of a job and sell shit on eBay to survive, and it’s even worse when eBay sends you a bill for using their service a month after all your checks cleared and you have to start writing new ones. The guys ran down some of the names of people who are gonna be visiting the show while they’re at Agenda and it sounds like there’s gonna be some good back and forth between the Ellis Show crew and some industry insiders, as well as anybody in the food court next to the radio booth that wants to say hi and maybe get their titties slapped around for a couple minutes. While we all sit and ponder how nice that sounds, let’s have some Pantera and go break a bunch of shit for no reason.

AH MATE! IT’S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I HEARD ABOUT WHAT’S GOING ON IN AUSTRALIA!!! Luckily, Tully found a particularly good piece of Aussie News for us today. Police in Australia had to rescue a naked man who got stuck in a washing machine during a game of hide and seek. Yep, stuck in a washing machine. Like a fuckin’ BAUS! There were more hot chick sightings, and if there was somebody on scene who worked for creepshots.com, I’m sure they’re busy putting up all sorts of content right now as we speak. Apparently, it’s pretty easy to pull down a sweet piece of tang at a trade show too, so if you’re in the area, no need for chloroform and you can take the Camry instead of the panel van, IF ya know what I’m sayin’. Some dude started arguing live with Ellis about trying to get Jason sponsored by Metal Mullisha, but it was a load of shite, and Cumtard was reprimanded for not taking his position as producer/show security/whipping post/hand holder seriously enough. To counter that, Kevin erected a wall of chairs to try and keep the crowds at bay. Remy Stratton stopped by to shoot the shit with Jason and tell old war stories about skating and doing acid and breaking groupies off back in the day. Him and Ellis were bros way back when, so they had lots of good times to look back on about dropping into the same bowl and shooting hairy eyeballs at each other from opposite sides of the ramp. Remy has kids now, so he can’t rage like he used to, and Ellis knows this all too well from cranking out two of his own. Remy fucked up his back a while ago too, so now he’s vice president of the Volcom skate division and gets to have a normal job doing marketing stuff and whatever else it is that the guy who’s VP of skateboarding at Volcom does. Ellis softly shit a brick after Remy told him that Volcom is no longer sponsoring motocross at all, NOT EVEN POTO!!! But it’s OK, cause that means they can focus on the core of the business, which is shiftless kids who want to hang out in the sun and do things that cause them to get in fights with rent-a-cops. There was some talk about doing naked tranny skateboard demos for advertising purposes, and I’m sure somebody’s really into that, but the rest of us probably need to crank up some Akka Dakka and try to get the image out of our head so we can continue being productive with our day.

HEY DO YOU SMOKE LOTS OF WEED?!?!?!?! Then you probably wanna hear some pot news!!! As we all know, it’s totally legal to smoke weed in Colorado now, well that uppity cunt Nancy Grace seems to think that this is gonna make the baby Jesus have a hissy fit and he won’t come back and rapture all the good Aryans back up to heaven away from the sodomites, communists and intelligent persons, so she’s making it her personal mission to get it made illegal again. And since I’m calling out white ladies that need to make good use of national blowjob day and keep their fucking mouths shut unless they’re sliding a 17 inch cock into it, Fuck you too Ann Coulter. Just cause (LOL NO WINKY FACE DEVIL HORNS BITCHWHATMAKESYOUTHINKIWONTFUCKINGCUTYOU). The guys took some phone calls, one guy said he gets sunburns on his eyes all the time and the cops are always trying to search him for that plant that brown people like to smoke that gives them the kind of superpowers that will prevent the OBVIOUSLY superior members of the American people from maintaining political and economic control. And since we’re talking other cultures, we can’t leave out Satanists. Specifically, in Oklahoma, the Satanic church has filed a request to be allowed to erect a “Buddy Satan” statue in front of a government building, right next to a statue of the ten commandments, and I for one am backing this harder than Bill Clinton loves cankles. Oh, and this particular Satan statue doubles as a public bench, so pregnant ladies and the elderly have a place to rest on the way from the far end of the parking lot to the state offices when they’re filing for a building permit or whatever the hell our government is supposed to be doing at these regional state offices. Ellis spotted an Asian lady with a fantastic ass wandering around at the trade show and I gently high fived my computer speakers, desperately hoping it made it’s way there so he could understand how much I appreciate being told about these kinds of things. There were more hot chick sightings, and a really terrible Mr. T impression, but all in all it was the guys just riffing. There was Asian lesbian lady, and tattooed lady with the pregnant friend, and pretty much every other possibility in between. There was even a white girl with an ass that could explode a pair of toughskins. So, basically if you couldn’t make it to Agenda, you missed out on some really good ogling. Even Tully, with his wonderful uninterested wife and awesome diluted Japanese baby, could not help but watch the hormones flow out on the sales floor. I’m just gonna let you all go snap one off while Slayer gently crushes your skulls.

WANNA HEAR ABOUT SHARKS MOTHER FUCKERS!!?!?!?!?! I GOT SHARKS FOR YOU!!! A government research firm in western Australia has recently put a bunch of sharks on twitter. But of course, none of them are as entertaining as @SharkPeople could be if they would just get over that whole “hurricane Sandy ended” thing and start using that account again. But I’m sure they have some pretty terrifying Vine videos. There was some more people watching and character assassination of hot lady’s bathroom habits, cause I guess that’s just how the afternoon is gonna play out. Blake Henderson from that show Workaholics stopped by to hang out for a bit and chat with the guys about making funny TV shows and how you too can be a successful pothead if you do it Juuuuuuuuuuust right. Blake gave a little back story on how he got into show business by making stupid internet videos that happened to be hilarious. The guys discussed making a grappling hook/tethered long range weapon out of one’s genitalia and how hilarious it would be to randomly lasso people with your dick, especially if you just took a piss and there was still a little bit left in the pipes to spritz your victim in the face with. Blake had to tell on himself and admit to his family and the world that he and his girlfriend are kinda hitched and got a youngster on the way. He also is the second person to stop by the show to day who’s suffered a back injury. A couple years ago, Blake was playing a fucking intense game of beer pong and exploded his spine, but he was still walking around afterwards, so it was a very Australian approach to the situation. Cumtard cam in to play a game where the winner got to mangle his hair however they like. The game was basically a trivia quiz about how weird and sad Cumtard’s life is and Blake was at a slight disadvantage just from the fact that he isn’t around the Tard very often, but when all was said and done, Kevin has led a very depressing, stupid life, but it’s all turning around for the better nowadays, and Blake didn’t get a single question right, so the winner was Ellis and he got to break out the clippers and was gracious enough to let Blake use some scissors and they fucked up Cumtard’s head piece like it was 1986 all over again. And according to everyone participating, Kevin’s hair is like cat hair full of product and dander. But a good time was had by all, so that’s what’s really important. There was some more crowd watching and just when the guys thought they had spotted the worst dressed guy in the building, they realized it was Chad Muska, and Muska kills so there should be no more talk about how he looks like a really stylish middle eastern young adult. The guys took a few minutes for some Hollywood news, I’ll do a quick summary for you. Steven Segal is running for mayor in some Arizona town cause politics needs more waist-high spin kicks. Also, Clay Aiken is running for the senate, and considering that nobody else there is doing a god damn thing then why the fuck not? Evander Hollyfield was on Celebrity Big Brother and had some choice words about the gays, but then again he’s been punched in the head for most of his life, so it’s not impossible that things aren’t firing off normally for him. That one guy from Duck Dynasty is gonna be allowed back on TV to continue making white people look bad, like we didn’t have enough help with that as it is. Shia LeBouf is a commercial whore and apologizing for things that aren’t even his fault cause he just wants people to keep looking at him so he doesn’t have to look at himself. Tully wants him dead and I’d pay double to see them fight at EllisMania 10. 50 Cent is about to get sued for filming Rick Ross’ ex girlfriend fucking some other guy and posting the video online. The sequel to Paul Blart Mall Cop is definitely going to happen, and Jason has not been contacted about it but would be happy to reprise his role as Prancer and go all action sports extreme criminal on some shit. There was a bunch more crowd watching and now, apparently, everyone looks like Blossom, better known as Soleil Moon-Frye, or the greatest pair of tits to ever appear on Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Cameron Diaz wrote a book that makes some claims that pubes are wonderful and everybody should grow a big old British hedge row across they’re vag that an American would have to design a plow tip for their tanks to mow through so that the underside isn’t vulnerable to gunfire from hidden Nazi troops as the hedges lift the tank off the ground (This is actually a piece of historical fact. I had a teacher in third grade whose dad was the inventor of just such a device that turned the tide of the defense campaign in England during world war II. Just an interesting tidbit for you, now back to cunt jokes). Cameron Diaz also thinks growing pubes is a good idea cause it adds a layer of support so that your pussy lips don’t sag too much as gravity does it’s job on you over the years. And finally Madonna Instagrammed a picture of her 13 year old son pounding a handle of gin like a muthafuckin P DOUBLE I M P NYUGGA!!! Jason and Tully contemplated the many things that Madonna probably does with her well aged and incredibly distended vagina lips, and it’s very likely that it’s a parental disciplinary tool that gets the god damn message across that homework should be done before TV and that your room is gonna get cleaned. The guys turned to the phones for final calls and it was some of the usual slew of people asking for advice and poor cellular reception, but that one guy who recaps the show live called in, and as a person who takes a lot of time doing it and doesn’t sound like someone who spends too much time in their mom’s basement, I want this man dead. Or at least severely beaten. Or maybe just go egg his car. Something to get the message across that NYA is already doing a better job than he is and to get a different gimmick if he’s gonna keep calling in.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,