Monthly Archives: December 2013

Show Recap for Friday, 12/13/2013

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So am I the only one that doesn’t like the new intro? Personally I’d rather they bring back the Pantera intro, that motherfucker would get me amped as fuck! Hey, Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s TV show again. He doesn’t think the co-host lady likes him even though they are text buddies and pass on funny cat memes to each other. Ellis had a good time and Drew thinks he would be a good co-host instead of the other lady because she just talks about cats and baby back shits. Good times were had. Tully also had a good time when he almost lost his friends kid. Hope that lady doesn’t read these recaps! Hahaha nobody reads these! Except Jillian Barbarie, she reads every single one during her morning poop. They talked more about Ellis’s appearance and the topics discussed but thanks to the miracle of science and technology I have a short clip from Dr. Drew’s show for you. The new Death Death Die album is still in the top five metal albums in America and Canada, but for some reason the songs aren’t being played on Sirius’s metal channels, I guess the songs are just way too awesome for them. With the massive success of the album the guys completely forgot to celebrate, and what better way to celebrate than with opium. Santa_DanceTully has never done opium but wishes he had and I’m pretty sure I’m on it because I could swear that Will just said The Wall Street Journal is going to do a piece on Jason. Happy Opposite Day. Even crazier than Ellis being in The a Wall Street Journal, Will is going to start doing yoga. Can’t wait to see him in those sexy stretchy pants. In case you want to see a moronic rich white woman be racist without even realizing it I give you the Megan Kellie Santa is white video.

Breaking MMA News, GSP is retiring so now some other dude is gonna fight the other dude. Something about Dana saying he’s got plenty of money and Ariel Hawanee was mentioned a bunch. I guess he was a dick or something during an interview. The sign language dude from the Mandela funeral is a raping, thieving, breaking, kidnapping, and attempted murdering crazy son of a bitch. Plus I heard that he doesn’t even know sign language. How dare you sir!

Kevin came in after the break and talked about how he’s getting back in shape and his workout schedule. He usually does shit that’s one step above walking the mall with old ladies but once he used a personal trainer, because it was free, and she made him do some Insanity Workout type shit and three minutes in he ran to the bathroom and puked. Ellis gave him a bit of a pep talk and told him to work out with him and Katie so he can get rid of his fat squishy man titties. Did you hear the one about a dude that got busted because he posted a bunch of guns and shit he stole on Instagram and the police got a warrant and busted him? It’s hilarious. Game time, Ellis and Kevin were head to head in a battle of wits and knowledge but a single wrong answer will warrant a leg kick from Mike Jasper (Ellis) and @colleenfights (Kevin). Ellis had to answer comic book based questions while Cumtard had to answer MMA questions. I’m not sure who got more questions correct but I definitely know who won, the listeners.

Here is a breakdown of the Women Am I Right segment: In Virginia a 71 year old woman hit a deer and the deer went flying and hit another woman that was jogging. Two women left The Shake Yo Booty Club, went back to house to rub cookies together, tried to wake bf for threesome, he said no, she stabbed him in the eye. Florida woman got pissed at bf after his dog are her weed so she stabbed him but claims he walked into the knife several times. Woman who was fired got busted stealing from ex bosses home. A NYC man went on three dates with a phylisophical editor and she slammed him on FB and made a blog saying he’s the most awesome man alive. Woman charged by Supreme Court for chemical warfare. Debbie and Steve Woods, lie detector. Woman runs over bf after break up caught on security camera. Woman fights man at octoberfest and tries to eat his face on video. Woman gets stuck jumping building to building video. The cotton ball diet video. And finally, the vaginal knitting video. That’s gonna be one nasty smelling scarf. Graham crackers were originally created to keep people from waxing the wood way back in the day. Now they are a delicious addition to chocolate and marshmallows. Final calls brought us bad connections, bad phones, bad stories, bad questions, just bad callers period. Speaking of periods, tell yer mum I said hi and I’ll see her in seven to nine days, OH!the-shining-elevator-blood-o

Show Recap for Thursday, 12/12/2013

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Feed your obsession…

People tend to be super addicted to their phones, this is something we all know, but are you so addicted to your phone that you don’t notice there’s a mirror in your bathroom across from the porcelain pee-hole until you’re pooping without having that magic rectangle in your hands? Why am I asking this extremely gross question (because yeah, I’m a girl and I think it’s gross that people sit on the potty and play on their phones)?!?!?!?! Well, this morning Ellis was sitting on the throne taking care of business, when he noticed that there was a mirror across from him so he could see what his face looked like while pooping (I’m dry heaving over here) and do you know what? There’s a big freaking scar across his forehead that he forgot about!! The scar itself is a relic of a tragic (not really) dumpster accident, and Ellis is glad that he has a scar there ’cause he’s getting old and what better way to face getting old than with a face full of scars? Um…there is no way better. He’s probably going to be getting another scar soon, since he’s getting the lump growing on his temple hacked off. But that’s cool, cause, hey, scars. Scars are great, they tell stories, they make you more interesting to look at, and chicks dig scars, man. And yeah, Ellis really did open up the show talking about shit and getting old, how tomorrow is not looking as good as yesterday, and he doesn’t want his body to fall to shit. He’s waiting for old guy ass to set in, but at the same time he really wants to avoid old saggy guy ass for as long as possible. He probably has that shit on lock considering how much he exercises, though he didn’t exercise this morning, but rest assured he’ll be reppin squats like a mother fucker tomorrow. Tully chimes in saying that while you can’t really get around looking older, you can prevent yourself from turning into a puddle of flesh, and Ellis probably is doing better than the guys from Kids in the Hall who look like monsters in their photoshoots….even after applying make up.

Hey!!!! What the fuck is wrong with the TV? You know, the tv that we can’t see anyway? There’s something wrong with it and it’s really distracting Ellis and having no effect whatsoever on Tully since he didn’t notice that it keeps flashing off an on. Ellis tries yelling at Jetta and whomever else he sets his sights on about this, because it’s way beyond the ‘trying to work the kinks’ out of the new studio and is getting more into ‘this shit is just never going to all work at the same time’ territory. Will comes in and it turns out that there is something wrong with the cable, that it isn’t only the tv in their studio, and no- it isn’t a cable issue in the greater Los Angeles area, but localized to the SiriusXM studios somewhere near Hollywood. The tv gets turned off, for really turned off, and the problem is solved. Tully thinks that maybe the studio has already hit its peak in terms of pristine functionality, but at least they are on the air and we can all hear them. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear them since you are reading this to find out what happened…but…you know what I mean, stop being a bitch. :D Ellis really wants everything to work and be at its best because he wants everything to be good for the fans. It’s always all about the fans for him. He wants to be bigger and better constantly and TJES is not a place to sit idly by and be complacent. The formula is working out, he’s an accidental genius and Tully is an actual genius, in terms of radio show hosting, and he’s gonna keep pecking at the big guys in charge so that they aren’t forgotten about. Because, where is the Jason Ellis Channel? Not the one on the app…the one on SiriusXM? But whatever, it’ll happen, and Ellis and Tully are both happy to say that they really like working for SiriusXM (apply whatever level of sarcastic filter you desire to that statement).

Someone (@thegooser) sent Tully a link to an article which was a collection of the 31 best things that Kanye West has said in the year 2013, prompting Tully and Ellis to engage in conversation about the great West, who gets spoken about too much as it is and they are feeding the machine that is already bursting at the seams. Basically….Kanye West is a fucking dick asshole joke of a person who thinks that he is a god (and I’m sorry if you disagree with me and think he’s awesome) and goes about saying how awesome and god-like and egotistical he is and that it’s justified because he needs to be egotistical as a part of his artistic process. Tully is surprised that he read a bunch of dickish things that Kanye said and didn’t then see him as even more of a dick, but found insight into the kind of person that Kanye is and the force that drives him. I do agree with Tully and the parallels that he draws between Ellis and Kanye and how they both need to set the bar high for themselves so they can feel driven enough to try and make leaps and bounds over the bar…but I also have a great dislike for Kanye West and for anyone who thinks that they are better than other people. Yes, Kanye has done some great (?) things musically, but I do some great things in bed and you don’t hear me saying that I’m a goddess who needs to be treated as such by whomever I’m getting on my knees for… Whatever. Ellis and Tully do reach the conclusion that Kanye is, in fact, a dick, but they have a new understanding of the kind of dick that he is. And no, Kanye, Kim Kardashian is not one of the top 10 most beautiful women of all time. In fact, a good friend from the State of the Biggest Dicks (real ones, not personality ones…) assures me that she is not even top 50 in North Dakota.

Dunnn dunnn da-da-da-dunnnn….breaking news!!!! The bid to hang out with Ellis on charitybuzz.com is up to $13,000!! Holy shit!!! That’s insane!!!! It really is amazing and tops what the bid was last year, which was made by now good friend of the show Betsey, and Ellis wants to know if he’s winning. But, more importantly, he and Tully are really happy that they get to be a part of something that helps people- in this case, starving people. WhyHunger is gonna get over $13,000 and feed a whole bunch of starving children here in the US, all because Ellis is King of the West and that’s basically a bargain when you really think about it. What is Ellis going/willing to do with the highest bidder? Whatever they want. Sex? Hang? Whipping? You call the shots Mysterious Money Man/Woman who has bucks to blow (but not really blow cause, you know, charity) to hang out with Jason Ellis. Congrats. I’m really jealous. He humped me for free. Just sayin. And yes, Ellis had the highest bid.

The newly instituted rules and regulations for the Ellis brood have been working!!! Woooooooooo!!! Parenting Win!!! In case you, like the guy who calls in, missed what these new magical parenting tricks being implemented are it is as simple as laying out the rules, alerting the kiddies of the consequences to the broken rules (before they are broken), giving two warnings before consequences are enacted, and sticking to your guns with the consequences if and when the time comes. Ellis says that he is so happy with the way that it is working out, and Devin told him that she really enjoys that Daddy isn’t yelling all of the time. Everybody is happier, the kids aren’t pushing the boundaries because they don’t want to lose skateboards and ice cream and dolls, and that makes life just so much better. This weekend they will be going moto-ing and horseback riding, and Ellis thinks that if Devin enjoys the outing this weekend he may have the whole moto thing clinched with her, which would be awesome.

Tully had a great morning with the Little Dude which began with the Dude waking up at 4 in the morning and getting brought into bed with mommy and daddy with ChooChoo (Thomas the Tank) on the tv until everyone passed out again. Tully awoke a second time feeling refreshed (the kind of refreshed where, for a minute, you’re scared that you’re late for something) and found that it was 7:30 and the Dude and wifey were still sleeping. He got to wake up, stretch, and have a cup of coffee to himself before Little Dude awoke again. He tackle cuddled him, had a baby hand shoved in his mouth, and got to relax and have cuddles and appreciate that it was moments like this that are really what life is about. Awwwwwww. No sarcasm. Just heart swelling girlie awwww. Tully also informs us that Little Dude is no longer a baby (a glorified blob) and is definitely just the littlest kind of human there is now, because he looks like a person with normal, albeit tiny, proportions. He talks about the differences between Daddy play and Mommy play and how mommies and daddies play different roles (but equally important) in babies lives. Daddies drag toddlers around and play fight and make mommies nervous, which is something that often doesn’t occur to mommies, and he feels kind of bad for single moms out there doing it on their own. Ellis talks about how he does enjoy the whole shared parenting act from the perspective of being a 50/50 parent and not having the kiddies all of the time. It gives both him and his ex time to do their own thing and clear their minds, which is great, because missing the kiddies kind of helps you appreciate the time you have with them even more and get more excited to do things with them. Tully says that he does envy Ellis’ ability to have his own time, and also says that when the Little Dude gets a little older he’s sure he’ll be calling upon Ellis for advice and some of his newly acquired parenting skills.

It’s time for Ellis to spin the wheel because he lost his sorta bet with Tully about Tully receiving nudes from 10 separate females over the course of the show the other day (and I am really very surprised Hubbs did not send him my tata’s) and Ellis is gonna spin the wheel because he’s a man and a deals a deal. Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody know-soh it stopped on #6. What is number 6, you ask? Ellis has to get farted on. Where is Kevin Kraft when you need him? Oh, apparently he’ll be around later, so, never fear!!!

Who’s Jordan Graham? Why does Ellis want to know? Well, he wants to know because he is going to (has already been, at this point) be on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and Jordan Graham is a topic to be discussed. So…who is she? Because, yes, Jordan is a she…and she is that girl who pushed her husband of 8 days off the side of a cliff and didn’t tell anyone about it for a while. Why does Dr. Drew want Ellis to talk about this? Because he prolly wants Ellis to say she’s ugly, or stupid, or he deserved it and stir the pot a bit because that right there is what we like to call good entertainment. Or Dr. Drew wants him to get stabbed. While they are talking about this, good old Wilson peeks his head in to inform everybody that the bride turned widow (at a rather impressive turnover rate) has plead guilty to Murder 2, which Ellis succinctly sums up as, so she admitted that she pushed him off the cliff and murdered him, but she didn’t really mean to. So, she’s gonna go to jail. And yeah, Tully is right, murderers should totally be harvested for their organs, because how bad are they really gonna need them in jail? Tully brings up the fact that a lot of women (am I right?) approach the whole marriage thing badly and fall into the trap of getting all caught up in the perfect wedding day and don’t focus enough on the ensuing marriage. It’s an issue because the wedding only lasts a day, and most likely it will not go off without a hitch, and a marriage lasts a lifetime…ish. A lot of women think that marriage is going to change something and make them happy, and fail to realize that marriage doesn’t magically make people happy. Marriage isn’t gonna turn your boyfriend/fiance person into a whole new and improved version of that person. It’s not gonna transform you into another person either. You’re still the same people living to all the same bullshit that was there before so you shouldn’t expect a ring and piece of paper to be a big game changer. Other topics that may be broached with Dr. Drew tonight include that 16 year old who only got probation for essentially murdering four people in a drunk driving accident because he was rich and had lawyers who successfully argued that he suffered from affluenza and therefore was too rich to know his consequences have actions. What’s the best way to show this kid that his actions have consequences? Obviously it’s not to punish him like any other fucking person would be punished in this situation, but to put him on probation. Tully says that he doesn’t think the kid is a monster because it’s hard to define a 16 year old’s entire character based on one bad decision, but doesn’t think it’s right that he was rich enough to get out of jail time. Ellis agrees- you fucking kill someone, you need to go to jail. Because yeah, this kid needs to go to juvie and learn a lesson, not go to a cushy rehab and be told that he has a problem and it isn’t his fault. Four people are dead. Their families lives are altered forever, and someone has to pay the piper. Please let there be an ensuing civil suit. There’s an update on Amanda Bynes who had a lovely descent into the crazy shithouse over the past year. She is out of rehab and is back living with her parents after losing her shit, being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and getting some treatment. She is on the road to recovery, interested in starting a career in fashion, and that’s just great because she seems like a delightful person to be stuck in a revolving door with. People are getting abducted in some town somewhere near to where Jetta is from and Ellis was trying hard to read the name by himself, but Jetta ruined it after being told not to ruin it and got yelled at a bit for being a moron. In all the sounding out and googling to try and figure out what is going on with this news story…Tully can’t figure out who is getting abducted or why, and neither can anyone else, but Vanessa’s hair looked great today.

Ellis takes this opportunity to talk some smack on the Samsung Galaxy phones and the little watches that sometimes go with them. Will says the watch is a useless toy, but then says that it does let him know what’s going on with his schedule, such as alerting him to the fact that guest Greg Fitzsimmons is in the studio today. Ellis thinks the iPhone is superior because he is an iPhone user and generally all iPhone users think that. He takes a call from a girl named Angel and asks her if when she goes out on a first date with a guy and he pulls out a Galaxy does the guy in question get knocked down a peg. After a moment of thinking Angel says that yeah, a guy loses points when he pulls out a Galaxy instead of an iPhone. I’m pretty sure the sound of twitter exploding was heard ’round the world and many wondered why, and the phone lines lit up at the good old Jason Ellis Show studio. Yeah, the Android vs. iPhone debate is probably taken more seriously and argued more vehemently than Republican vs Democrats, and that is a sad sad fact of our culture. Girls with Galaxy phones call, girls with iPhones call, guys with Galaxy phones call, and everyone weighs in about which is the better phone, even though that’s not what Ellis was asking. He was asking which phone girls think are cooler. I am going to call bullshit on the caller who said her Galaxy fits in her lady sized pants pocket. Total bullshit. My iPhone, which is smaller, does not fit in any of my pockets, especially not the front ones. And seriously, if you judge a person based on their phone…go seek professional help or go get sterilized, because you are a part of the problem and we don’t need your progeny.

After the break the guys are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. And I am going to apologize to you now, because it was painful for me to sit through this next hour of show where they caught up on random bullshit and swapped random stories and Ellis was super excited, but, to men, it was like listening to a couple of guys who sort of knew each other but weren’t great friends catching up on whatever random tidbits of their lives occurred since they last awkwardly caught up with one another. I was tuned in and I swear to all that is Bunnies that I took four and a half fucking pages of notes during the hour or so that they talked…and guys…I got nothing. Hubbs put it this way, “Yeah, they talked a lot, and it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. There was some funny stuff in there.” Agreed. They talked about rap, rock and roll (Rolling Stones vs Beatles vs ACDC), bad tempers, being passionate, ex wifey beating Ellis up, right wing assholes, and podcasts. Feel free to hate me for not getting into the nitty gritty detail here, but that’s all I’m giving you, tweet me your hate @jennimazky if you feel the need, or request pics of the 4 1/2 pages of notes I took. You can enlarge them on your computer or zoom in on your phone…I have immaculate fucking handwriting.

Before final calls Tully rejoins the show with an article about an Indianapolis man who was arrested for coptering his cock at two random ladies, who he also may have been trying to abduct, that some lovely listener (FUCKING ME BITCHES) sent his way knowing that Ellis and Co are big fans of the act of swinging their cocks around copter style. And then the person who won the Why Hunger charity auction called the show!!! His name is Justin and he donated over $13,000 to hang with Ellis and feed starving kids. Good on you, Justin!!!!!!!!!! When asked what he wants to do with Ellis he responds that he wants to take Ellis and his fam to a Kings game, which is really wonderful, but I think he’s not getting the fact that Ellis wants to do something for him after he spent $13,000 to hang out with him….which buys a lot of candy bars. Whatever they wind up doing, I am certain that we will hear about it, because Ellis lives his life on the radio. Another round of applause for Justin and his vat of awesomesauce. Wilson has the new intro Ellis requested which was pieced together with soundbytes from yesterday’s show courtesy of Angie Stevenson, her sister and her friend, as well as Will, and Ellis likes it, but it’s not quite there. I’m sure that will be worked on and it will be pristine before we know it. A guy named Sean who has a baby face and wants to be a cop in Cali drops by the studio and Ellis and Tully make pig jokes at him while they can still do it without getting arrested. Kevin Kraft is woefully devoid of flatulence and it looks like Ellis will have to wait until tomorrow to be farted on, because if Kevin goes for it today, in all likelihood, he will get sharted on. And before it’s time for someone to not die, Tully shares that the man who was doing fake sign language for 3 hours are Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has been identified, but still no one is really sure how this guy got the gig. The guy does, in fact, know how to sign, however he reports suffering from a schizophrenic break and hallucinations of angels during his time and that’s why he was signing nonsense. No one is sure how this man got the security clearance required to stand right next to not only our president, but basically all the fucking world leaders, because the people who hired him have vanished into thin air. Oooooookaaaaaaaayyy. Who’s trying not to die? His name is Jerry and no, he is not going to do a recap of the show (good move, Jerry, good move) but he is going to sing a jaunty little tune about his, and everyone’s favorite wookie Chewbacca, on the hunt for intergalactic nookie. Well played.

Things we learned on the show today:

Tully may be getting older, but his feet still look great

Tully is attractive to black women

Ellis always tries to be thankful to the little people…until he gets angry with them

There’s a new Wolfknife Military Hoodie that is super sweet

Betsey sent Ellis the biggest chocolate bar he has ever seen

Ellis can’t touch his own back because his biceps are huuuuuuuuge

You can scare a pack of wolves away with Megadeath’s music

Tully & Ellis relate more to cats than to abductors

Fuck you if you’re trying to get Ellis to look at ‘the bright side’ of things

Different Cultures prefer different sized phones

Ellis’ face falls off if he doesn’t get enough sleep

Greg Fitzsimmons has a bad temper

Revenge is the sweetest thing next to pussy- Tupac- who then was murdered

Ellis has no savings in the bank

Greg Fitzsimmons plays ice hockey, paddle tennis, golf, and beach volleyball

Comedians and writers getting high and bouncing a ball over a net does not constitute a sport

Ellis needs a podcast

New Yorker’s secret to longevity- don’t make eye contact

Ellis follows a certain etiquette when sending a dick pic to the people he bests

Final callers: don’t ask Ellis what he’s up to…you know what he’s up to

Susan Boyle has Aspergers and the voice of an Angel

Tully has to go see Santa

 

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 12/11/2013

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oooh_slam

BOOM! First paragraph and I’m killing it! Or not.

Welcome to Wednesday, welcome to this thing, and it is indeed a thing. Lets put you in the right mood before we start. First off, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently menstruating. How am I doing so far? Good. Secondly, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently married to Wilson. Am I right? Good. Finally, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently still reading this. I knew it! Okay, now we’re ready to begin. Ellis learned something new today, he be all like “oooooooohhh” instead of just being like “yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh” and that’s going to change the face of your face and the button bar’s face. Some caller said he rolled his car while listening to the show, a couple of tense moments as we didn’t hear from the caller – we all thought he was dead, but then a miracle happened! He remembered he called into the show and then he spoke! AMAZING! SCIENCE! WIENERS! Dingo’s not here today, but he kind of is because he knows what everybody is doing at all times. Tully went to have drinks last night with an old pal, after three drinks he began to question what the fuck he was doing – I call it having a good time. ~Kid Rock He doesn’t know what else to do when just hanging out. He refuses to meet anyone for a coffee after dark, which I fully agree with, that’s a negative Ghostrider. Tully might have also cracked a mystery puzzling the entire world, Ryan Seacrest may indeed be gay. Ellis had a meeting last night with a production company about TV shows, I assume TV shows he’ll never be given a chance to be in, even if they are his own. They talked about the idea of Ellis Mini-Moto Mania, mixed with a TUF style elimination set of rounds. So now that’s the show they’re going to pitch and Tully will now be a part of since he thought of the good part.

sign_language

Sign language ain’t so hard.

You know Nelson Mandela died, right? Yeah, well, some dude pretending to use sign language during the memorial was there. Not doing anything even remotely close to sign language. This guy is basically going around trolling services with his fake sign language, and for that, I salute you Mr. Big Fat Phony Sign Languager Guy. Tully’s had enough being condemned to a chair by the man, he tested out his idea of pacing around the studio while talking. Manny Pacquiáo might be broke as shit, which would make sense because he’s a Filipino and as we all saw from that typhoon, the entire country lives in metal shacks. While waiting for some big wieners and some hot buns, they killed some time by handing out a few Wolfknives names to new members. To properly do this, Ellis joined Tully in pacing around the studio, which I supported by pacing around my office while writing this – thank you technology and legs and you too feet! Metallica became the first band in the history of the world to play on every continent on Earth, even Antarctica.

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Wait. We’re talking about hot dogs?

Finally. WIENERS! Angie Stevenson, her sister, and one of her hot friends came in bearing gifts, the gift of wieners. She runs a wiener truck that makes the claim “The biggest wieners and the hottest buns” so we shall see if they live up to the hype. You may also remember her from the Taintstick video Apple Juice, or maybe you know her from her porn days as Angie Savage – you dirty little masturbator. Side note, Ellis has boinked Angie, allegedly of course. She says they’re trying to make it wholesome brand, which I suppose shaking your tits and ass at sixteen-year-old and overloading on the sexual innuendos could be considered wholesome. This is ‘MURICA, damn it! So without further tits ado, the guys had the wiener girls and wiener boy (Wilson) help make an intro for the show. It was a little painful to hear one of the chicks try to stammer out words, but Wilson’s bits really smoothed out the rough edges, especially his German gaping voice. Then we went to break so everyone could fill their wholes with some meaty wieners and relish in the deliciousness of a premium tube of meat by products.

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Leaving the wiener bit behind.

We came back with some news about a drunk driver whose lawyer successfully got his client off. To something. I don’t know. Christian Hand is in studio, which makes sense because it gave him a chance to run into hot chicks. But he also has some Grammy nominations, none of which include Death! Death! Die! So who is up for a Grammy this year? I don’t fuckin’ care, go check it out for yourself, ya lazy fucker! I will tell you this though, it’s no wonder I don’t give a shit about the Grammy’s, because every track they played (with the except of a few) was fucking terrible. I don’t know why people listen to this shit, much less vote on it. Also, Tully has an inner eleven-year-old girl inside of him. Hey, some church members were actin’ a fool, if you can believe that. Who could play Ozzy in a movie about Ozzy / Black Sabbath? Mel Gibson? Glenn Danzig? Bert McCracken? Kelly Osbourne? Who knows.

An Australian fisherman was fishing, as you’d expect, he dropped his beer in the river, fished it out and drank it. Yeah, he got sick as fuck with a large mass of shit protruding from his stomach. He had surgery to have it removed, which left him with an even larger bulging stomach, so another surgery was done. Guess what? That bulging stomach shit came back, he had surgery again and it just keeps coming back. Ah, that’s a piss’a mate. Remember how Dingo was pissed off at that hack Beacher from Beacher’s Madhouse? Turns out he snubbed the Dings when Miley invited him into the club, the Dinger wasn’t allowed in, mate. That’s cause for war in La La Land. Black people are jealous of white people because tattoo colors show up better are us crackers. White people are jealous of black people because they’re better at damn near every sport and they just tend to look way cooler no matter what they’re wearing. Did you know Shoebox pulled a Church of Haden when he saved a man’s life, choking on a chicken bone, by giving him the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody knew, because hero’s don’t go around flaunting their heroics. Sounds like Death! Death! Die! playing at a club after the AVN’s might not happen because of shady motherfuckers who are all shady and shit, but nothing is 100% yet. And that, my friends, is today’s show and today’s wienercap. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse accidentally runs into a few things, shits on the floor, and then leaves. OH!

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What does my face look like when I cum?

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 12/10/13

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I just cut my wrist… in the process of fixing one of the light fixtures at work. Cause hey, what goes better with but fucking than a little blood? I’ll tell you what, nerve agents and carbon monoxide, that shit makes it an experience! Speaking of which, it’s time for the Jason Ellis show! The show started off today with some fucking Ozzy, then some fucking Pantera, then some fucking D!D!D! singing about how Rob Dyrdek is the perfect combination of pro skater and Hollywood schill. Then Jason started talking about how sometimes, you’ve gotta blow up somebody’s mind, and you can do so without laying a single finger on them, or using the F-word, or some such shit. There was also some talk about how TV sucks and isn’t funny nowadays, but Jack Black could fix it. Tully is of the opinion that there are too many people coming to LA to be the next big reality star and that’s why the talent pool has so many turds floating in it. Long story short, if you’re trying to become a successful standup comic, you’re probably never gonna have money for a hotel and a hooker, but you might be able to afford one or the other. But if you’ve got some natural talent, and don’t play the victim card when you’re off the clock, you should be OK. The guys talked about comedy for a while and how just about anyone could go out and do t least a couple good shows if they kept at it long enough. Sure, some people are good at it naturally, but if you hang around long enough you’ll pick up a few things and learn how to coax a chuckle out of a few drunk yokels. Ellis is very confident in Tully’s abilities as a comic, even though Tully doesn’t think he could remember a ten minute routine but could pull off a good one with the assistance of a teleprompter. Tully is starting to grow a mustache and it’s starting to look a little intimidating, which is a good look on him, cause people need to start fearing smart people again instead of cosigning the massive percentage of idiots that make up the population today. Mike is confident in his looks, although you catty bitches on twitter and instagram never tell him how much you want his unborn children all over your face and tits. This led Tully to put out the call for any female fans who are in the mood to do so to send in naked photos, and just from the people I follow on twitter, I can confirm that at least a few popped up in tully@siriusxm.com’s inbox. Jason wagered that if he got ten pictures in his email, Tully would spin the wheel of doom, and vice versa if the quota wasn’t met. The guys took a second look at the wheel of doom and the many consequences on it and Wilson has quite a few places on the wheel that would be absolutely terrifying for anyone who would have to endure them. Some guy named Steve sent in a picture of his shit, and he can go fuck himself. Ellis is going to be doing a live broadcast from the Agenda trade show in Long Beach. Agenda is a get together for all the action sports brands and since Ellis is a pretty high ranking official in the action sports world, there’s absolutely no reason for him not to attend. Tully has decided that if he ever catches Linsanity doing drugs, he’s gonna give him and his friends a freebie the first time, and even be a cool enough dad to provide tacos, but the second time it’s gonna be the holocaust part 2 and they’re all gonna pray for the gas chamber. The guys were watching some TV show about people buying haunted houses and gay guys redecorating or some such shit, and it sounds hilarious as all fuck if it weren’t for the reality TV factor. And these aren’t cool hauntings like Casper taking people on adventures and shit, they’re all fucked up and driving people insane and fucking up the haunted restaurant’s bottom line like a pack of feral bitches. The guys talked for a bit about all the minutiae of life and holding grudges and patting yourself on the back no matter how trivial the accomplishment. There was some talk about how they’re both starting to show their age and it’s not as fun as it sounds most of the time but they wouldn’t have battle scars without some awesome fucking stories. The golden years would be the perfect time to take up video games though, not when you’re young and actually give a shit and have unlimited potential to waste, but when you’re past you’re prime and nobody would look twice for you if you hadn’t just shoved a grenade up their ass in Call Of Duty 28: Out of Retirement. Jason noticed that the Sirius/XM twitter never hypes his show and after this long it’s probably a shitty move on their part not to, besides there’s some interesting stuff that happens on the show, like Bone Thugs and Cumtard sniffing people’s balls. They rectified this swiftly by announcing that Greg Fitzsimmons will be on Thursday afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!! But not with that much bravado, basically drop all the exclamation points and it’s a direct quote. The guys suggested that the way we start ringing in the new year is to take the one celebrity that everyone’s the sickest of, and rocket them into outer space similar to a public spanking, but more like when the Amish excommunicate somebody. I for one would actually start celebrating holidays again knowing that I could get all my least favorite examples of humanity fired out of an oversized t-shirt cannon into the upper atmosphere. The logistics of the greatest game show ever created by man were discussed for a while, like holding the victim in a panda cage so they can’t try and get out of it or fuck with the guards, plus everybody loves pandas, and letting the next spaceman do all the drugs they want, no questions asked. It all sounds like something that should be coming next fall on NBC and god dammit I would buy that shit on Blu-ray season after season after season.

 

Somebody told Ellis that the Esquire network exists and that he should be a part of it, even though they took over G4 which used to be fucking awesome and now it’s a steaming pyle and yes, I did spell that correctly, because a pyle is an especially painful and engorged hemorrhoid. Ellis shouldn’t go on there cause he’s not trying to be Robin Thicke and that’s just fine. They have a show called knife fight, but it’s just some cooking bullshit. Bob Levy seems to think that somebody’s trying to start some beef with him and Jason, but it’s all a load of shit. Once again, the internet is the most amazing thing in the world, just ask all those Ukrainian girls who want my 32″ dick and all the money I made working from home! Somebody seems to think that Opie is gonna give Ellis a show on his channel, but that’s also a load of shit, cause the internet is the greatest invention of all time, just ask the throngs of lonely housewives who always get a long lasting powerful erection served up from my loins! The guys talked a while about Ron and Fez and how Fez may be on his way out of radio and he’s also having some rough shit going in normal life, and since I could bash a radio show I’ve never listened to but I’m not a complete prick, I’ll just reserve any judgement and hope that guy has a better go at everything tomorrow. The guys debuted anew segment today called “How bad does she want it?” cause sometimes, you need to be told really clearly so nobody ends up getting the cops called on them and also so you can get your dick wet and not feel like a runner up the next morning. Will came in to record a fresh intro for the Jingleberries to turn into the next great “Pendarvis is weird and probably has unauthorized porn on his phone and a monthly membership at the spank booth downtown” sound byte. Just this much of the segment was fucking classic, but the bit itself was pretty good too. Tully read news stories about famous women and how badly they probably needed some dick at one time or another. Powerful women, like Jackie Onasses, who probably didn’t want it in the later years simply because the Kennedys probably sold her to that Greek guy, or Meryl Streep who honestly terrifies me to think of getting banged and now I’m going to go hang myself so that I can sleep tonight, or Princess Diana who probably had lots of European adventures where the sex was romantic and involved as many people as there are countries on the continent, or Yoko Ono who needs to get strangled with some dick so there’s never another album and she can’t break up any more classic bands, or Martina Navartelova who can get a spellcheck off these nuts and probably would toss salad harder than Yoko in the heyday but also turned out a whole gang of female tennis players, or Prime Minister Huge Tits (whose real name s completely inconsequential cause it’s Julia Guillard) who definitely needs the most obscene pounding available to the developed world, or Hillary Clinton who is probably dying of thirst for dick cause Bill ain’t fitting the bill and she isn’t dead yet so she’ll never stop working for it, and finally Shakira, who might be a sex object on the pop charts but is probably not more unusually horny than any other lady out there but will be when she’s Meryl Streep’s age.

 

Jason’s cat Prince, the evil bald pussy, stopped by the studio to hang out and express his hatred of the entire world, as most cats and freshly shaven vaginas do. Prince seems to be having a pretty good day, imagining pissing all over Tully’s unborn child, abandoning children, cumming on someone’s decaying body, hanging out in the dark, tongue-punching his fart-box, and other things that can be genuinely fulfilling to members of the feline species. Tully found a story of a guy who dresses up as a dog and is also fuck ugly like puke on my dick, and Prince nominated him to be shot into space on new years eve. There was also a story about that crazy Russian bathtub heroin called Krokodil, specifically a girl in Mexico who injected it into her genitals and is now decaying from the vagina on outward, which is pleasing to Prince because nobody gets to upstage the evil bald pussy. People across the globe are naming their babies “Cheese” which makes me want to vote this hairless cat for president so we can start getting a handle on this kind of bullshit. And just for the sake of doing it, go Google cat semen and look at a picture of a churro. And in the last bit of news that Prince sat in for, Macauley Culkin has started a pizza/Velvet Underground tribute band and from the sound of it, it’s not the slightest bit obvious that he may have been a regular heroin user for a little bit. Quick segue, EllisManiaCross is in the planning stages and the guys talked about it for a while. Jason is really pumped on the idea and it’s sounding more and more like something I’d like to see. The guys kicked around ideas for some of the obstacles that might be included, such as MMA fighters and hockey players and footballers knocking people over in the turns, and Tony Hawk throwing water and flour at you, and teamwork, and jumps and pools and all kinds of other shit too. The callers got their turn to pitch ideas, along with suggestions from twitter. Some of the more noteworthy suggestions were for things like shitloads of bubbles, Will Pendarvis throwing beans at people, rodeo performers getting involved, firing tennis balls with a hockey stick, circuit training with hot ladies, a railroad crossing gate, t-shirt cannons, throwing fish at people, punching bags with go-pro’s on them, paintball, tar-and-feathering, Wayne Gretzky kicking people in the dick, remote control helicopters, Tully’s mom, bowling pins, and at least 45 other ideas that were fucking terrible. Tully found some piece of information that says that the weather in Alberta, Canada is just as bad as it is on Mars, which is proof that humans could live on Mars, provided they had a 24 hour hockey network and lots of beer. Some Canadians called in to reinforce that it is fucking cold in Alberta, but they have male syrup and Tim Horton’s, so they’ll be OK. The guys took phone calls on cold weather for a bit, no matter how much it seems they didn’t want to cause really who gives a fuck how cold it is? Tully looked through his email to see if any ladies had sent him naked photos, and it seems that there were a few submissions, but from first appearances it looks like a lot of guys sent stuff in. there were a couple more suggestions for EllisManiaCross that were alright. Also, people are so cold that men are growing tits, which is proof that you should all stop using aerosol products and destroying our ozone layer. There was a litle bit of talk about the UFC cause Jonny “Bones” Jones had to postpone a fight. Also, Shane Del Rosario passed away at 30 of a heart attack. Some dude called to say that texting is actually safer than using hands free when driving, and my answer to this problem would be to stop putting shitty convenience features in every car and bring it back to the days when cars actually needed to be driven. In Japan, the sales of adult diapers are surpassing baby diapers, and not all of them are used for some weird fetish, it’s to the point now where Japanese people just aren’t reproducing like they used to, so if you’re planning on buying a new Corolla or Civic, you better get on that shit while there’s still a country to make them. Tully confirmed that there’s a shitload of naked men photos in his email and it’s probably Jason’s fault. A guy called in from prison and of course the conversation went to butt town pretty quickly. The final calls rolled in like a turd across the living room floor from a naked toddler, as is known to happen sometimes. Tully shared some more of the pics he got in his email and it sounds like there’s some terrifying shit that he’s gonna have to explain to somebody eventually. That one recap guy who needs to know his recap role called in to give a quick rundown of the show and CUE BRUCE LEE MUSIC!!! On a plus note though, shout out to recap dude for 90 days off all the shit, glad to hear you’re doing better.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/9/2013

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too_much_caffeine

It’s Monday, get excited!

Yo. I’m bitPimps and this is how post a fuckin’ re-cap. Why the fuck is every other fuckin’ word outta my fuckin’ mouth a fuckin’ fuck word? Because I’m fuckin’ learning how to be a fuckin’ man from this fuckin’ guy. But fuckin’ seriously. Welcome to fuckin’ Monday’s show. STOP IT! Sorry. My man training is becoming a bit of a habit. Ellis has been humbled. Sometimes he thinks he’s not scared of stuff and that we’re all a bunch of pussies. But he likes stretching, vitamins, and not getting hurt and having to go to the hospital – it scares him a little. Friday he ate some pastries, Saturday he ate more pastries and went to ride moto with some dudes (and moto dudes are gnarly), and Sunday was pay the price day. He couldn’t jump anything because he was afraid he was gonna eat shit, so this made him feel shitty because moto dudes just go for it and make it look easy. The moto dudes even tried to make the jump safer for Ellis, but he talked himself out of all of it and never did hit the jump. However, he’s determined to go back and hit that jump like a sick cunt and not eat shit. Dingo knows literally everybody, including famous people, rich people, and people more powerful than Shaq. He knows so many people that 2014 is already looking like a stand-out year for TJES, because Dingo will get them in as long as they’re more powerful than Shaq. Dingo takes what he does very seriously, but nobody actually knows what the hell he does. He doesn’t snowboard anymore. He used to announce snowboarding, but not so much anymore. He pitched the Danny & Dingo show, but not anymore. Dingo. He just is. Dingo and Jetta are one item away from dressing up exactly like each other, so expect some early morning phone calls between the two for coordination purposes. But sometimes Dingo sticks out like a fart in an elevator when he’s in Australia because he’s more American, and Tully sticks out like a turd in a punch bowl when he’s in New Jersey because he’s not an orange skinned guido.

mma_news

MMA news? Wilson has you covered!

Remember how last week people suggested the show watch Call of the Wildman Turtleboy? Surprise! It sucked. It was about a busted lamp at grandma’s, a cave, and Turtleboy’s pet raccoon. So Friday Night Fights were on Friday, if you can imagine that. Dingo was too busy chatting it up with Gerard Butler and didn’t see any of it, but Kenda Perez did and she called into the show to talk about it and how massive of a head Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva has. Tully was a bit confused when the announcers said Mark Hunt looked in phenomenal shape because he looks like he’s one Baconator on a pretzel bun away from a bedridden life. Shogun looked like he wanted to murder James Te Huna, and pretty much did by knocking him out. After Kenda, Wilson came in (his pants, OH!) to record a new MMA News button for the show. Katie also came in (not like that, it takes her longer. OH! OH! OH! Nope, not there.) to help pitch ideas and say a few things for the button. What was Dingo’s contribution? Pound for pound and karate chop! Bravo, you ledge! Everyone went around the room adding their contributions to what will no doubtedly be the most sought after MMA News button in the land.

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I’m about to chivalry all over your face!

Something like 63% of Americans agree that chivalry is alive and well. And I’d have to say that in some shape, way, or form, it is – for the most part. Supposedly 1 in 7 men will offer their seat on the bus or train to a woman. I’m guessing those are for the hot women, not the slobs. Supposedly 1 in 3 men say they never assist mothers with infant / toddlers in strollers. You know this is because nobody wants to be around a screaming brat for any longer than they to be. Supposedly 1 in 5 men say they will regularly pull out a chair for women. I assume this is strictly for practical joke purposes. 82% of women surveyed said they would prefer to pay on dates. Yeah, right. Who the fuck are you trying to kid? Supposedly 89% of women said they would not accept help carrying their own bags. You’re just asking to get mugged at that point, right? Women want to be treated as equals, so of course some of the old-fashioned chivalry would not happen in today’s world. Is there even a need to throw your cape down over a puddle for a woman to walk on? Not if you live anywhere near a society. And if you don’t, you’re living subsistence life style so the woman is used to getting dirty. All this is about being a gentleman. And if you’re not one, you’re probably partly responsible for Honey Boo Boo. But chicks, you could be partly responsible too if you’re just a pure piece of trash who can’t even respect herself. Paris Hilton’s brother Lindsay Lohan’s friend dad party Dingo and I just shat my poop out. And that about does it for today’s re-cap. I sure do hope you enjoyed it, because I made it myself, slaved over it for hours, making just right, thinking of all your favorite things. So… Why’d the semen cross the road? I wore the wrong pair of socks. OH!

This has nothing to do with the re-cap, I just thought it was impressive as fuck.