Monthly Archives: August 2013

Show Re-cap for Friday 8/30/2013

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It’s almost over, especially if you’re on the east coast, or if I posted this recap late, like usual, which I did. Fuck you, don’t judge me and my masterful skills of procrastination. Ellis found out from his doctor that he should probably be using alcohol swabs to clean his steroid testosterone injection site so he doesn’t get an infection. Ellis doesn’t give a shit but doctor Wilson concurs. While Tully’s chick and baby were in mid flight to Japan some robin-thicke-grabs-fans-ass-vmas-2013-after-party dude stood up and wanted to get off the plane, he returned his tray to it’s upright and locked position and got his bag out of the overhead and was ready to leave, right here, over the ocean. The situation never really got crazy but nerve wracking to say the least. I say they should have let him get off though, save somebody else the trouble of dealing with his crazy ass. Robin Thick got caught trying to give a rectal exam to a fan while they took a photo, he claims that it wasn’t what it appears to be but it appears to me that he could tell you if her cervix was dilated! They talked about a very important issue, hangovers, and the best thing to do to prevent them is drink a couple bottles of Pedialyte before bed and have a few glasses of water throughout the night, if your drunk sloppy ass can remember. Are the best things in life really free? Yes, kinda, but they don’t cost money. That is until you have to buy penicillin or that special shampoo to get rid of crabs. A dude called in and talked a little about being a trucker and how they make pretty good money and have a lot of alone time to think to your self and jack off while driving 65 miles and hour across the country hauling beer on a bet with a sheriff and his retarded nephew chasing you and your buddy with a sweet stache distracting all the cops because you have a long way to go and a short time to get there so I’m eastbound and just watch ol Bandit run. THBBB (The Huntington Beach Bad Boy) said something about not being cheap on the things that come between you and the earth, like shoes, mattresses, tires, hookers, etc. It makes sense, don’t want to hurt your feet or something, I really have no fucking clue so moving on to Rawdog’s camping trip to Big Sur. He said it was muy bonito as he stood on the vistas, gazing at the bosque and touching his pequeno pene.3ocyofEllis thinks that the reporter on E news, Juliana Ratshit, is a super bitch with her bitchy Skeletor face and she used to fuck Sal Masacala out of interviews. Her and some other douche canoes twerked on stage or something. Which brought the realization that watching the news is stupid, everything you need to know you can find out in two minutes with the new wondrous invention called, The Internet. Then they started reinventing the wheel, the torture wheel, some of the “prizes” are a little old for the current staff situation. Some of the new prizes are The Dirty Will, Lick The Carpet, Country Time, and Eat Shit. Sounds like good times to come.

For this next part just pretend it’s still Friday and you haven’t seen any fights yet. 

UFC 164 is this weekend for all you 5%ers. Henderson benderson is fighting Some “Showtime” Dude! And there is many other exciting fights that are on Foz Sports 1 and then the main card on PPV. I highly suggest you tune in this weekend because it wil be download (3)awesome, wink wink. In Baseball news, Ellis doesn’t know shit about baseball and neither do I. They watched more fight videos for Ellismania 9 and at this point the blind folded shock collar fight is full but they are still looking for people for the musical chairs fight. Send your 3 minute video in to radiofightclub@ellismania.com, or fightclub@ellismania.com, I cant remember which one so just send it to both. Rawdog bought an impressions “how to” book. I don’t know why, Josh is a master impressionist and doesn’t need a dime store book to help him, the man needs no help. According to science poor people are stupid mainly because of stress, and stupidity, and not having money, and not being smart enough to make money, that’s why they are poor and that is the circle of life.
They came back from break and started looking at a menagerie of couches sent in from bitPimps for the studio. He didn’t really send them in, he tweeted pictures of them you silly fucker. Ellis likes the idea of a skateboard couch because it’s made out of skateboards and it wouldn’t be too comfortable because he doesn’t want mother fuckers taking naps and shit while they’re trying to do radio. Then they said something about Hollywood people splitting up and Clint Eastwood kicks ass. Tully told the story of how he got kicked out of a bar dressed in a Santa costume drunk on tequila and yelling at the bartender that his bar

Grease fires have never been more metal!

Grease fires have never been more metal!

will fail because he is short, in case you forgot how awesome Tully is. You know who else is awesome? Ozzy. Ozzy was making a bacon sandwich and started a small grease fire and the fire brigade got alerted and got to visit Ozzy at his house because making bacon with fire is metal. Do you want to watch a video of Sir Patrick Stewart? Of course you do because he is fucking awesome. A dude shot a grey wolf in Kentucky, the only Grey Wolf to be found in Kentucky in over 100 years. Good job Kentucky, that wolf attack prevention program is working great! Speaking of wolves in Kentucky, a Chupacabra has been found in Texas by some lady that says it was eating the throats out of her chickens. The only other account of a mysterious creature sucking the throats out of cocks was at yer house, they called the creature Yer Mum-acabra, OH!

Show Re-cap for Thursday 8/29/2013

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This recap was written by Jenni Mazki. She took advantage of the opportunity to write a recap for NoYouAre, the same opportunity that is open to everybondy in the EllisFam. If you would like to write for NoYouAre just contact @bitPimps or @Az_RedDragon and they will tell you how. Head Dragons!

 Be happy- don’t be pasty! Not only will you be one among the beautiful and happy tan society but people will like you more. In fact, maybe you should go and spend 10,000 hours outside working on your tan and be just as happy and likable as the happiest naturally tan person whom everyone likes. Or something like that. Personally, I advise copious amounts of sunscreen over this 10k tan session to try and minimize overall sun damage. Just make sure you aren’t albino, because no one will trust you as far as they can throw you. Also don’t be NBA player Blake Griffin for the same reason, and Tully is certain he can’t get Griffin off the ground.
TJES opened to a seeming stream of random consciousness starting with the opening monologue from Ellis speaking about how tan people are more likable than the more pasty skinned (though you’re excused if you’re naturally pale and just not too glued to the boob tube to go outside). And no, Raw Dog, Canadians aren’t pale- they get their snow glow on.

However, just in time for school, we’ve learned that Raw Dog skipped a grade (maybe or maybe not for parental bragging rights), was strangled during a play date with an 8 year old future sociopath, and a few months really makes a difference in the physical attributes of developing teenagers. Raw Dog slipped under the radar (because PTSD is a bitch), while Tully was always on the small side of the scale due to his July birthday, and Ellis was mildly blown away by the entire conversation as he dropped out in the 7th grade- but he didn’t care about being cool…he cared about just trying to stay alive. Hopefully someone really does create a campaign letting kids know that things really do get better after the raging hormone mind fuck that is school, that life doesn’t end because you fail a class or don’t ask the girl to prom, and there is more important shit in life.

This all was interspersed with the 10,000 hour conversation- that despite lack of natural talent, if you work at something for 10,000 hours you can be just as good as the person with all the God-given talent who puts in that same work. Ellis is a firm believer that hard work and persistence gets you where you wanna be in life, and it goes right along with his ’you control your own destiny’ mind set.

Some Ellismania 9 talk! Some videos of potential fighters for the shock collar fight seem to include Screaming Hymen and Highlands Drifter. Mike Jasper will have a chainsaw…it will not be a real chainsaw, because it’s the Hard Rock Hotel, not the Thunder Dome. However, the Hard Rock has already marqueed the big event. The pre-party on Friday is at the new club Vinyl, and there are rumors of EM9 giveaways like free tickets, room upgrades, a motorcycle, and other TJES swag (I said swag, I know, try not to hate on me too hard). Also…Tera Patrick vs. Sam Rubin in…outfits? I see awesome potential here.

Will there be tickets to the Jason Ellis Circus featuring Jason Ellis the traveling Lion Abuser? I would pay money to watch Ellis whip the shit out of a lion trapped in the back of his Mad Max-esque escape vehicle while cops tried unsuccessfully to capture him. I don’t watch tv, but sounds like anything wayyyyyy better then the scripted unreal reality shows that are played all day every day. Special guest appearance by Raw Dog, the Surly Drinking Clown, because clowns weren’t previously creepy enough.

Wilson, the out of the problem gambler closet, spoke often in a segment about (10,000 hours!!) gambling. Yes, he has a system, but he also gets tons of free shit and has only lost thousands of dollars a time or two. A true addict has his system down. The guys mostly agree (except Wilson who may have been itching throughout the conversation and looking around for slots) that they would rather spend gambling money on more substantial materialistic things, so that as least they would have something to show for the money that they were spending.

Danny Brown, if you are listening, or reading, or maybe you are listening to someone read this, you were aware that you were getting head on stage, you’re lying when you say that you didn’t realize what was happening. Be honest, you were high, very high…and you’re lying.

Now, it’s time for the origins of those famous/cliche sayings that have been around forever and no one knows where they came from. Lets nip it in the butt. Bite the bullet because you’re gonna murder yourself (or you might be a Revolutionary War era soldier who needs amputation), the cat has your tongue because of random violent cat attacks on men calling little girls bitches, people in the 1500s were dirty and threw their kids out with the bathwater because men knew about the dangers of water and the monsters within, and Raw Dog believes that he would be a medieval wizard (even though his iPhone would no longer work and he would be as dumb as the rest).

Detroit had to close down one of their McDonalds due to the fact the workers were on strike because they can’t live on minimum wage. We all know minimum wage is a joke and McD’s and other soul sucking chains can afford to pay their workers more, but they won’t because it’s less money for their pockets. They proved to their employees that even with 2 jobs, their wages are unlivable, and maybe we should all be boycotting fast food chains. But Raw Dog will still probably eat it all. Raising the minimum wage for fast food super chains would be the lesbian scissor kick cookie tickle of economic stimulation, but are there macroeconomic repercussions we mathletes can’t foresee? All I know is that I was making 13 dollars an hour at an office job and I couldn’t afford to eat food and my apartment had two rooms that had no door and cost almost a thousand dollars a month (and was considered a steal). Ellis proposed, for all those living the single life, going out to get furry clothes and learning to live in the bush, cause that shit is free, and then you can just steal you a wife- caveman style. Agreed.

If The Jason Ellis Show hosts ruled the world, or at least were the triumvirate of Presidents in charge of America, they would start off their first presidential campaign by unleashing hell with common sense in the year of hilarious terror. As presidents they plan on weeding out the undesirables among us mighty Americans through a series of clever ruses booby trapped to do away with those who respond. Instead of Mount Rushmore, they would be featured on Mount Kushmore, which would probably go down in history as the most bad ass monument in the world. Among those who must die are drivers of the new Bacon car by Ford (because bacon is apparently so over and if you dip your bacon in chocolate get over yourself!!!!), Khloe Kardashian lovers, pedophiles, crackheads, murderers, people who are morbidly obese, people who watch too much television (bc let’s face it, obviously they’re obviously pasty on top of it), people on welfare who also buy drugs, people ordering from QVC, smokers, cock fighters and dog fighters, and possibly Raw Dog if he successfully creates pneumatic tubes to replace highways. From what they listed, it seems I would survive the initial purge and live to see FreeWorld, the Annual Burning Man Bloodbath, and their State of the Union. I’m sure Ellis would also have no more problems arranging Ellis Moto-Mania.

Other tidbits worthy of note are:

If you listen to the Jason Ellis Show on demand, Sunday’s ’Best of’ shows at 3pmand 9pm eastern are actually chock full of extra hilarity goodies care of Cullen, and are 4 to 5 hours long.

Rude Jude has a block on the new Jason Ellis Channel on Saturday at 6pm eastern.

Don’t hoard gold if you’re anticipating the end of the world. Everlast will laugh at you, and you will have no future children to pass it to because you will be dead as you can’t eat or drink gold (without painful consequences, at least).

The guys at On It may be Ellis’ personal hit squad, he received a very heavy head in a box from them.

We may one day see Ellis with a Jack Nicholson receding hairline haircut with the added bonus of a wolf face.

August 29, 2013 would have been Michael Jackson’s 55th birthday.

Blood is thicker than water for the exact opposite reason that you think.

The Loch Ness looks like it has seaweed in it.

Jason Ellis for president.

Do what Tully says and visit PatriotGuard.org

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 8/28/2013

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We are going to start off today’s recap exactly like TJES show started off today: With a massive shout out to motherfucking TOES! Toes, the stubby little fingers for hands that are responsible for balance, of which kooks wouldn’t be able to surf, skaters wouldn’t be able to skate and Jon Jones wouldn’t be able to knock bitches out. Ellis’ toes are doing alright these days, but he wants to give them a little TLC before he goes and gets a pedicure again. Kate Upton is super hot, but Tully and Ellis still aren’t impressed and think the only thing that could up her game would be if she had one glazed over stone dead eye. This sparked up a conversation about hot girls in school and how the hottest girl in school isn’t always the most beautiful. Sometimes they are only hot because they sprouted tits a little earlier than everyone else and high school guys are cuckoo for tits. Tully went to a concert last night where his friends country style band was playing even though he doesn’t like his type of music and his friend doesn’t like Retrofit. Anyway, Tully posted up with a drink and stared at hot chicks all night fulfilling the creepy dad position at the concert. He saw a group of hot chicks in little black dresses, and most of them were the blonde typical hot chicks and he wasn’t into them. But there was one angry looking Korean chick and Tully found that one to be the most attractive. Go figure eh? And no, I’m not saying Tully was scheming on bitches at a concert while his wife was away, he was just being creepy super dad and admiring from afar.

What is something someone would have to do to trick you into getting blown by them? I understand that is a hard question to wrap your head around, but that’s what Jason was asking. For instance, if Bob Barker burst into your house with a million dollars and 20 hot sluts, would you be too dazed from Barker’s entrance that you wouldn’t notice getting blown by the sluts? The winning scenario was if Barack Obama came up to you and said he needed to blow you for national security reasons, would you let him? (Brought to you by Tully). Well of course, you’d have to just for the story. Imagine one day you grandkid is working on a history assignment and asks you about Barack Obama and you reply: “Well, one time he took my entire schlong into his neck to protect this nation, so he’s alright with me.”

What makes someone choose to be a proctologist or an OBGYN? What about their own personal psyche makes them think they want to spend the rest of their lives being a hole doctor? Tully reckons they are just creepy and want to look at ruined vaginas and sick buttholes all day. The other two never really came up with any concrete reason for why they should. My feeling with hole doctors was always that they look at the demand for that particular field in certain areas and gauge what their salary could be and go from there. I think a few hundred thousand dollars a year is enough motivation to look at wrecked vaginas for just about any man.

Next, I’m pretty sure they did some get the clit off your box, but I missed all of it when my kid had to take a nap and my phone was indisposed. In 2007, Billabong was worth $3.5 Billion. Today, they are worth just about $0, filing for bankruptcy or something. This sort of thing happens though once your brand phases out of it’s cool phase and becomes more of a Target/Wal-Mart brand and people think it is lame.

This guy: Vulture Butt Water. He calls himself Vulture and shoots water out of his butt at parties for some reason. Seems like a good alternative for a clown.

Puppy Pregnancy Syndrome is where someone gets bit by a dog with rabies and somehow thinks they are pregnant with puppies and believe you are going to birth them out of your dick.

Ariel Helwani supposedly can’t ride a bike, but he might be able too, who knows.

PETA is a group of mental midgets, this time because they are protesting a Buffalo Wing eating contest, asking the organization putting on the event to not allow pregnant women to compete because one study said that eating chicken while pregnant with a boy can give your baby a small dick. At this point, PETA is basically the Westboro Baptist Church of animal rights groups. Their message has become so murky and clouded with the ridiculous and bizarre ways they choose to go public with their activism. They are less about being a group for the ethical treatment of animals, and more about being a group of celebrity clowns who occasionally show up mumbling some derisive bullshit that barely makes sense. Ellis summed it all up perfectly: When you go to a chicken and waffles place, just get the waffles. But sometimes, ya know, get the fucking chicken. Not all the time, but just a little chicken.

Ellis is going to a truck show this weekend, and he is taking the opportunity to get a little help for the Dog and his new Prius. Specifically, how he can get Divine 1 Customs to trick out his new little wind up car. Some of the better suggestions were to airbrush the car to make it look like you could see all of the mechanical parts on the inside of the car. Painting a mural of Thom Yorke having sex with a donkey. Maybe installing a system where everywhere he drives, the car makes Jetson’s sounds. This bit took up pretty much the last hour of the show, and there were so many good, and even more stupid suggestions that I can’t even think about re-capping it here. Check it out on demand or catch it on a best of one day.

Lastly, it is official and confirmed, Tera Patrick will be fighting the human windbag Sam Rubin at Ellismania: Pound for Pound. Worst case scenario, that douchebag gets the shit kicked out of him by MMA Sasquatch and he bites his tongue off so we don’t have to hear him talking over everyone ever again. Later folks, Tim bless you!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/27/2013

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you-are-what-you-eat

Tim has real life problems.

It’s Tuesday with Tim! Today is also New Tim Tuesday, but we’ll get to that later, I’m sure of it. It’s a beautiful day today Tims! Ellis’ heart jumped out of his butt twice yesterday, but he just wants to see his kids grow up. He also doesn’t eat cheese that much. Ellis also thinks he’ll never stop going to therapy, because he has to keep opening doors like Early Grayce in Kalifornia. And it’s psychosomatic because you can tell yourself you’re gonna fucking turd your pants and viola, you fucking turd your pants. You can give yourself panic attacks or you can make yourself sick, or you can make yourself better, it’s all in attitude. And an attitude of gratitude is not just a platitude. Ellis got hooked up at the A7X concert last night, he saw Tim Cobb and his new girlfriend and then seen the Tim brothers, and a bunch of other famous Tims. One thing that Ellis and Tully share? They both have had a song with guy, just them, another man, and a song. Tully got a little choked up after his wife and son left him. To go to a funeral in Japan, I mean. She’s coming back though, so it’s all good. But as a father, Tim can totally understand. First you think, “kick ass, freedom!” and then you think “shit, whose gonna help me take care of this ankle biter?” Whose the best rap/rock band that isn’t Rage Against the Machine? Fuck if I know, I was asking you.

shit-shit-shit

This man found out what happens when you sit on Tim’s toilet.

Some dude intentionally ate a fucking toe, it’s called a “sourtoe” or some shit and it’s in a shot of whiskey. And that, boys and girls is where we get the phrase “toe up from the floor up.” Actually, that’s probably not true, come to think of it, I’m certain it’s not true. Everlast is in the studio and he has a new album out today and you don’t, but Tim does. For New Tim Tuesday, we first heard Everlast’s “Sad Girl”, named after a Mexican chick from the movie American Me. We got to hear about how Everlast can be angry person at times, but most of the time, he’s chill like Tim. Rawdog got railed on by the guys and callers to the show about how his Prius sucks and he’s not doing shit for the environment with it, and that he’s no where near as friendly to the environment than your average Canadian. And all I got to say about that is the average Canadian isn’t 1/10th of your average Tim, but they already know that because they buy Tim’s coffee as atonement.

smoking_child_male

When Tim smokes, cigarettes get cancer.

A new restaurant has opened up called Hospitalis, everything is served by nurses, food looks like tongues and shit, and you have the option to be tied up in a straight jacket fed by a nurse. I have no idea who this is supposed to appeal to, but hey, maybe that’s just me and Tims across the world. Appropriately enough, while we’re being told this story, Grant Cobb is finishing tattooing Ellis’ head. While the tattoo gun is buzzing along in the background, the guys started quizzing Ellis to see if he could answer anything while getting his head ink. More New Tim Tuesday, Avenged Sevenfold’s new album is out today as well, it’s called “Hail to the Tim” and we heard portions of 3 different tracks and then M. Shadows called in to ask why Ellis and his boys didn’t come and hang after the show last night. Goodie Mob and Bob Dylan had shit come out today as did Eminem, but it wasn’t anything to Tim about so fuck it. There were some more tools that had their shitty shit come out too, but I can’t remember who or what they were so you’re just going to have to let that portion of your life go for good. Tim say’s he’s sorry about that. Grant will be collaborating with Ellis on an EllisMania 9 t-shirt, so they kicked around some ideas, none of which included Tim. Now, a question for you. Did you ever blow bubbles as a kid? Good. Because he’s back in town and wants your number. TIM!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/26/2013

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bubble_pipe

Get your thinking cap on, today’s full of thoughts!

It’s Monday, and god damn it, my name is not Tim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But hey, listen. I mean, read. Fuck it, listen and read at the same time. Ever try that? It’s pretty hard to do and comprehend what you’re reading while you’re listening. Seriously. David Blaine tried that shit once and that’s why he seems a little fucktarded in the dome. A better you than the you, you expected is always a pleasant surprise, it can be a bit confusing, but still. Ellis knows Ricky Carmichael (aka The GOAT), he spoke to him and everything. Why is The Offspring in your mom’s ass? We all know you can’t rely on a shit rope, that shit rope is gonna break, and speaking of which, Wilson is like the weatherman. Tully was at an Israeli wedding last night, and wrote down a quote from the groom’s drunken mother. She called her son her, “United Steak of America, I’m sorry, I’m hungry.” Tully recounted his ordeal Friday and his wife’s grandma. They did a short recap of what happened on Friday’s show for Tully, which included Almart. That quickly turned into cool places that get shit-kicked outta business by big chain stores. What does heaven look like to you? What picture would Jesus give you to help you interpret what heaven looks like? Rawdog? God sends him a picture of the Apple store, though he thinks Superman would greet him into The Justice League. Ellis? He wants pizza Jesus because he doesn’t like people telling him what to do, but he doesn’t mind pizza telling him what to do. Tully? He had some serious logic and it was kind of dark and depressing, fitting right in with the streak of evil that lives inside Tully.

come_to_me

Send in your videos, promise, it’ll be okay!

Prostitution has always been legal in Switzerland, did you know that? Did you know about Swiss cheese, Swiss army knives, and Swatch watches? Good. Moving on then. In Zurich, there has been a problem with street walkers, so they built them their own little whore boxes to do their whore work in. Low and behold, Wilson will be going to Amsterdam and then Zurich – make of that what you will. We heard the rest of the t-shirt design winners and none of them included any of mine, so all you people are dead to me. Do you hear me? Dead to me (not Tim)! Ellis is still trying to convince Tera Patrick to box Sam Rubin, a drunk, trash talking, Sam Rubin.  Other potential fighters were discussed, such as @Shanwize1, whose fight last year won fight of the night awards. But if she wants to fight, it sounds like she’s going to have to do the leg work to find an opponent because @FaceplantLauren has a jacked up back. And there’s a lot of open spots still for fighters, so don’t be scurred and make a 3 minute video of you punching a bag, a pillow, the air, whatever and send it in to fightclub@ellismania.com.

tuna_cum_sandwich

What is it about the Richmond’s and eating cum?

Fucking MTV VMAs talk time, you knew it was going to happen, and now here it is – rearing it’s ugly head. Miley Cyrus’ ass was the hot topic for pretty much everyone across the globe. Who cares. What I found more interesting was that apparently Alan Thicke’s son (Robin) is someone with a varying degree of significance to stupid kids? I had no idea. I still don’t even know what he does or why, all I know is Alan played Jason Seaver in Growing Pains. Coolio is auctioning off his entire music catalog, which consists of 8 albums over 19 years, so he can raise the skrilla so he can… become a chef. That’s right, he wants to be line cook at Denny’s or some shit. Nobody told him the only reason “Cooking With Coolio” was semi-successful was because it was hilarious to see a rapper with a cook book? Surprise! Rawdog’s sister (Gabi) also wants to be a chef and she cook chicken and shit. I assume “shit” is slang for crack and that she’s giving up her gangster rap career to follow her dreams. Here’s to wishing you all the best, Gabi. Fat Joe is going to the slammer for not paying taxes on a million dollars of income. Not paying taxes is so fucking gangster. Did you know rich people get really good stuff as compared to poor people? Yeah, me too. Did you know Rawdog took everyone’s advice, shit on it, and then bought a Prius? He also thinks he could get $1k for his old BMW, so if you’re into shitty cars that smell like McNuggets, bust out that mason jar of change and it could be yours!

A bunch of college chicks in Australia took pictures of their vagina in an effort to curb the vaginal plastic surgery rage going on down under (HEYOH) and it pretty much backfired because (lips for days) people that saw (lots of hair) the photo were freaked out (defects), so much so (oh god) that the school (kill it with fire) wouldn’t run the ad in the school’s newspaper. This spawned a shitload of pussy talk from callers, and as you can imagine, it was incredible insightful and nobody made any jokes or derogatory remarks what-so-ever. Just remember, you came from one, so you better watch the lip (HEYOH) or things could get hairy (HEYOH) real quick. Reeking I mean speak of which, I remember one time I went to the doctors office, and while in the waiting room I spotted your mom. “Can I smell your pussy?” I asked. “No! How dare you!” she said. So I responded, “It must be your feet then.” OH!

so_happy_for_you

No, really. I mean it.