Monthly Archives: October 2012

Show Re-cap For Friday 10/26/2012

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When its friday, and your not giving a fuck, how fast do you drive?  Fast enough to fly by some dude, have him chase you down and yell “What’s Up Bitch?”  Ellis did, and just stared the dude down until he left, Red Dragons!  So he drives a little fast in his new bad ass Thomas Hayden Church approved Porsche, fuck off.  Except Tully reminded him, and us all, the point that you may not just kill yourself, but you may kill others.  Thanks Tully!  We all know Ellis is a professional driver, and Rawdog can’t drive for shit, so I ask you who’s more of a risk?  Old people is correct!  Fucking old people should take buses every where, like a mobile old folks home.  Also, drunks should now have to in their own Drink Drive lane, and if you can handle your booz more than the average Joe, you can get a Black Card Drivers License and bang mad whores! Of course all this is just leading up to the day we start having no traffic lights or stop signs.  When that happens, Ellis will never drive his car again and Rawdog’s gonna lock himself in the bathroom with a helmet and never go outside again.  Fucking Rawdog may be onto something this time, well with the helmet and when he told us that Canada has 4 nuclear bombs.  Thats nice when compared to the US having over 100, and Australia having none mate.  Of course, it only takes one to fucking ruin your fucking day, helmet or not!

 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! 

 

In Hollywood News, Justin Timberlake is going to make one of his friends do 100 hours of community service, what a dick.  The dude, not JT, is a dick for making some wedding video with some homeless dude in pretty poor taste.  You know who else is a dick, the lead singer for Foster the People, and Prince spotted it.  While Prince was preforming a small show, the lead man for Foster the People was using his cellphone, and we all know how Prince is with anyone even looking at him let alone snap a picture, so he had security boot the Foster dude out of the show, despite his pleas of innocence.  Red Dragons to you Prince!  Do you think we could get about 100 EllisFam to show up to a Prince show, and simultaneously all pull out our cell phones and fucking blow his mind?  You know what blows Ellis and Katie’s minds?  The new LEGEND OF CONAN movie muthafucka’s!  This news was so legendary that Ellis has to call Katie to give her the news live on air.  Heres the catch, Arnold is also going to pair back up with Danny Devito to remake Twins…..only its Triplets this time, and with Eddie Murphy.  Yeah so the new Conan movie should be pretty fucking sick. Sick enough to convince Ellis he’s gotta do steroids, and Rawdog too!  Ellis was doubting his chances of landing Arnold on his show, but Cumtard, Tully and Rawdog seemed more optimistic.  I mean if Covino and Rich can get him, then Ellis has to have a shot, right?

 

Thats Jew-elery hunter to you!

So if you like pepsi over coke, your an idiot.  And if you drink pepsi with a yellow cap, your a jew.  And if I say ‘your a jew’, thats racist, but if I say ‘he’s a jew’ is perfectly cool.  Did you follow all that?  Tully did, and he’s onto the whole Lord of the Rings being all racist and shit.  Smeagol’s kinda like a jew chasing the ring around and all.  Gollum is named after “Golem” the jew monster!  Sounds to me like Lord of the rings is more jewish that Josh himself, well since he doesn’t even know, let alone celelbrate all the jewish holidays as Ellis found out.  Rawdog defended himself  by saying theres so fucking many Jewish holidays that its hard to remember them all.  Ellis wasn’t buying it, but after a phone call to the jewiest of them all, the illustrious Shuli who comfirmed jews even have a holiday for building a hut, Ellis kinda backed off on Trust Fund Baby.  Shuli also told us that technically jewish people aren’t supppose to work or do shit on Fridays.  Kinda gives Who Gives a Fuck Fridays a whole knew meaning!

 

Women need the hoop the be lowered cause they fucking suck at basketball, says the coach of the UConn Huskies.  Dudes right, I mean would you at least be more willing to watch the WNBA if chics were just dunking on each other like Shaq?  Would you be more willing to watch it if they were all naked and Jackie Chan-ing each other all over the court?  I rest my case!  Ellis made a case for Shaq Diesel to be a host on America’s Got Talent, and Tully made a better point with reminding us Blue Chips was about Shaq’s only decent movie.  Just cause the guy can’t hit a free throw to save his life, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be decent next to Howard Stern.  Speaking of TV hosts, Simon Cowell is on the prowl, allegedly banging the shit out of Carmen Electra.  Fuck yeah Simon!  I mean really, other than banging the shit out of ’em, what are women good for?  How about 87 gallons of breast milk, a ride on a manatee, and a snatch to hide your meth pipe….Woman, Am I Right?   You know what Wilt Chamberlain and Andre the Giant are good for?  Check it out………………….

  Arnold wasn’t hitting the roids that hard for the 2nd Conan movie

 

Some dude called on with serious IBS.  Serious enough he was taking morphine to ease the daily pain he experiences.  I never knew the shit could get that bad!  Either way though, this dude was seriously stoned.  Ellis talked to him, and tried to help him see his life in a better way, and go seek rehab.  I hope that dude goes!  I also hope this other caller goes too, somewhere way far away from his wife since she not only won’t fuck the dude almost 3 years after having a child, but she freaks out on him if he jerks off as well.  This pissed Tully off to no end, and caused Ellis to suggest either AshleyMadison.com or taking a shit on her chest and leaving.  Ellis even said it wasn’t as bad as this when his first wife was smashing plates over his head.  But it’s not all just the ladies not giving it up, some dudes are lame asses too apparently.  Not Ellis or Tully of course, and well Rawdog, he’s just an animal.  If your one of those dudes, and you need to please your lady, take the advice of Ellis and try some Pool Lube with your lady.  If you one of us fans of the show, then you may want to check out the last hour, as Tully revealed some more old clips from around 2007-2008.  A bunch of cool shit here to go back and check out, from an Army dude busting a load while shooting at the enemy, to Deegan doing burnouts in the studio, to the 1st ever Dude is it Gay?  This was shit from back when Ellis had a myspace account.  I used to have a myspace account, in fact thats how I first met your mother and I’ve been fucking her ever since, OH!

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/25/2012

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So its the last time you have to give a fuck this week and all you need to do is go back and listen to todays show.  You know its a Fucking Classic by the intro and by Ellis admiting he’s not the smartest man in the world.  He was smart enough to con Cumtard into testing Nair hair removal on his ballsac, but we’ll get to that later since Cumtard had to run and buy the shit first, and thats why he isn’t the producer of the show.  Anyways, lets get to RawDogs dream of receiving oral from Prometheus, how fucking creepy is that? Not as creepy as Ellis chasing his kids around the house in a wig as their “other mommy” and freaking poor Tiggy and Snookie out. Oh that reminded Tully  about some male/female couple he saw this weekend battling over who was the mommy, for real!  This got the show started on if its worse to have a weird straight parent, or a weird gay parent?  Not that gay is weird, but on top of being weird they are gay.  We didn’t find the answer out to that, but we did find out a few big names that have struggled with such a task, like one of the dudes that directed The Matrix and Cloud Atlas, the singer from Against Me, and and of course legendary rocker Dave Mustaine.  Whatever the situation is, Tullys cool if his wife wants to be a dude.  Eiffel Tower and all man thats his best friend.  Its just the potential Barry White voice that comes with the hormones that freaks him out the most.

Hi kids, mommies home!

 

LTIFOOYMWIFH, which means Laugh Til I Fall Out Of Your Mom While Im Fucking Her….you had to be there!  Whoever was their at the studios before the show is into some creepy shit.  Tully came across some legal pad with a To-Do list on it that was left behind in the studio.  What was on it? Shit like “Buy fuck pinata” and “DVR Boston Legal”, sick right!  Well we never found out what a fuck pinata is, and we don’t give a fuck about Boston Anal, but we did get a new sweet website out of the deal (Only if your 18 of course).  We did find out that yesterdays trial producer Valerie left behind some perfect audio for pranking your friends.  Don’t believe me, just ask Sluggo or Katie, both of whom were put up to the task.  Sluggo wasn’t phased one bit, but Katie on the other hand may have been a little flustered by the whole deal.  She ended up calling back and scaring Rawdog half to death with a few N-bombs that were all out of love.  Speaking of N-bombs I love, Obama was on the Jay Leno show and it was a hoot.  He shared tales of driving a Chevy Volt and how he isn’t allowed a cellphone, hilarious shit.  Meanwhile Axl Rose was on the Jimmy Kimmel show and he really showed up.  Axl has a Halloween tree that he uses to mind fuck other kids in the neighborhood, kinda cool.  Check out either of those two videos if you’d like, but you must check out and vote for this years 2012 Reverse Awards.  One note on this years awards, Joe Simpson (Nominee for “Least Rapey Celebrity Father”) has filed for divorce after allegedly coming out of the closet to his family, in case that changes your mind in any way.  Nothing changes when it comes to  how much fibromyalgia sucks, and how difficult it is to spell.  Morgellons is another disease that is both hard to spell and fucking sucks, but is it even real?  Tully told us something that isn’t real, well over exaggerated at least, Japanese dudes don’t all sniff school girl panties purchased at a near by vending machine.  Man that Tully is one polite muther fucker, unlike the 10% of celebrities that tweet or instagram while taking a shit.  Celebrities like Queen Latifah, Naughty By Nature, Michael Tully, The Fugees all of whom of from the shitty great state of New Jersey…………and then the “Coolest Man In The World” walked into the studio:

Rawdog, RZA and Jason Ellis – RED DRAGONS!

 

Fuck yeah thats the RZA!  He stopped by to promote his new movie that comes out November 2nd, The Man With The Iron Fists.  RZA has been working on his comedy and staying of the pot ninja, oh and this movie since 2006.  He’s pumped, Ellis Tully and Rawdog are pumped, the soundtrack is on steroids, get it up ya!  Russell Crowe is in the movie, but unfortunately his band didn’t make the cut for the soundtrack.  Crowedog had to study the late Ol’ Dirty Bastard for his role in the movie which is odd and intriguing.  Enough about the movie, whats good with the RZA?  He’s been laying off the weed like I said, especially the Cali shit.  Not when he’s with Snoop Lion though, you never turn down a doobie from the Dog Father!  Apparently Method Man hasn’t turned down a doobie, blunt, or even a seed since who knows when, Tical!  Did you know Ellis met RZA back in the day in Australia?  Yeah, RZA didn’t either, but Ellis said he was a cool dude back then, and still is.  The RZA called Rawdog a “Scientist” and made his fucking week!  I personally suggest going back and listening to this interview if you get a chance.

 

Don’t look too long or you’ll catch a ‘contact fag’

Oh yeah, Cumtard!  He finally got back with the Nair, the regular shit and the shit specifically for men.  But since Ellis didn’t want to catch contact fag, Cumtard had to cut a whole in a box for his balls to poke through.  So after a heated battle of shit fucking with Jizz Cult, Cumtard was ready and the “Smartest Box In The World” was born….and it was downhill from there.  Cumtard applied some regular nair to one nut, and the for men shit to the other and let it sit for a while. It took a little bit of time, and only a little bit of pain, for Cumtard to tell us the ‘for men’ is a little lighter of the ball sting.  Thats some good shit to know.  So is the fact this former NY cop is off the streets, after being arrested for plotting to kidnap, rape, murder, and eat women.  This reminded Ellis n Tully it was ok for one to eat the other in a pinch to survive, and Rawdog couldn’t do shit about it really.  Rawdog probably couldn’t do shit with a wild turkey if he had to catch one either, but this didn’t stop Ellis from wondering how sweet it would look on Ellis Mania if he tried.  You could say it may have a chance to be the best video of all time huh?  Well good luck beating the current #1 video on EllisMania.com, “Oh Fuck Red Dragons!”.  Speaking of which, Im off to get your mom to scream the same thing right now!

Show Re-cap For Wednesday 10/24/2012

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Time to stretch the fingers and pound out my first re-cap after the break. Ariel Helwani (@arielhelwani) is the dude that interviewed Jason “Mayhem” Miller when he “acted” crazy. Well he interviewed Mayhem again and this time Jason explained that he was in character and that he pulled a prank on Ariel. Either way Mayhem doesn’t seem like his usual crazy self. This is a different kind of crazy. Ellis wants to help but he thinks that Mayhem needs to hit bottom to fully accept it. On a lighter note, after being on the radio for 4 hours, Ellis finds it hard to have conversations with other people and is worried about becoming the creepy radio guy. If I do anything for 4 hours chances are I don’t want to do it more. Except buttchugging, there’s always room for buttchugging, literally. Is Ellis been more negative than usual? Nope, he’s actually about the same, he seems to go through phases of negative then mellow. According so some, he just needs more Kit Cope in his life. Okay according to Kit he does but according to his legs they are fine without more Kit. Ellis said that he is still realing from divorce, mainly with his time with his kids but things are getting better. Jude graced us with his urban presence and told about his appearance on Ricki Lake (a favor for his home girl/producer) talking about his bathroom attendant job and letting dudes rent them for blow and well, blow. If ya know what I mean. He had to share the stage with some dumb ass bartender, slash failed actor, slash douche canoe. If you weren’t keeping up you might have missed the subtle segways that lead to chaffed nipples, racist movies, shitty black movies, and the difference between good and bad skin heads. Here’s a hint, look for the swastika head tattoos or the blood of minorities on their hands, its all in the subtleties.

You can now vote for the 2nd annual Reverse Awards! And remember, vote now and vote often. New producer Valerie came into the studio today. She is Jason’s friend from way back who doesn’t want to bang him, which is probably why they are still friends. We learned a lot about Valerie today. Important bits of information like, dudes shouldn’t use LOL or emoticons, Valerie will give you her number unless your a bum, she won’t jack you off in the middle of the day for fixing her car, blow jobs don’t get her wet, she is a selfish masturbator, she doesn’t like huge dicks ( because she’s little), she was with little wiener dude who was nice guy but too embarassed to slip her the cocktail weenie,  and she has assburgers syndrom a little so don’t get upset when she laughs after you tell her about your tiny package. Tully brought in some Japanese butthole cakes that tasted like seaweed which explains why the Japanese are all so skinny, I wouldn’t eat anything either if it all looked and tasted like ass.

Valerie and Jason shared some Jake Brown stories. Tales of DJ Blackout on a party bus, that he requested, pissing everywhere with his one friend, the time he got kicked out of EllisMania, snuck back in to finish DJing, and then his adventures pub crawling through Hollywood with his pants around his ankles partying with EllisFam. And who could forget the time he kicked out windows at a party, ahhh good times. A girl called in who lost her virginity to Ellis in ’98 and she said it was his accent that got her all hot and bothered. From all of us here at noyouare, a celebratory chest bump for the Wing!

In medical news, sugar makes you dumb or some shit, I can’t remember. Carbonated beverages give girls strokes but not dudes so that sucks for the ladies. In everyday celebrity bullshit,  Magic Johnson is getting sued by his liquorice squeezing assistant who can’t get a god damn turkey sandwich on time, Chris Brown gets pulled over for doing something stupid as usual, and Fifty Cent got t-boned by some chick having a stroke

Don’t forget the taint region!

because she can’t put down the fucking soda. Then there was some political talk that I zoned out on which then brought us to Final Calls. Final Calls were quite educational today, for instance, don’t Nair your balls, it burns like a thousand blowtorches upon your taint, instead shave them like a man, in the mirror, with one leg up on the counter. Don’t do drugs but if you do consult a physician to make sure you can handle it, or just say fuck it and drink lots of water, you only live once. If your trying to lose weight keep at it, just like yer mum, she recently lost 15 pounds after the load that was impacted in her colon fell out, OH!

Ellis living with Valerie in Malibu – 2/1/2010 (History)

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Today #Ellisfam got introduced to the new producer-in-training, Valerie. Full name: Valerie Michaels, she runs a PR company that works with many pro skateboarders and has worked for the UFC.

Valerie in studio – 10/24/12

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As Jason mentioned, prior to the Ellis family moving to Beverly Hills, he was sleeping in his truck then got invited to stay at Valerie’s Malibu house for a little while. Let’s listen back.

Living with Valerie – 2/1/10

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Show Re-cap For Tuesday 10/23/2012

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It’s Tuesday, and is there a Heaven for the EllisFam?  Some random preacher dude was telling Ellis, before the show, some shit about the Ultimate Real of heaven.  How everyone would be the funniest ever, and know everyone better than they did before, and have legendary licks just like Jimi Hendrix.  Bullshit!  Would be more like hell for Chad Reed if everyone could handle a Kawasaki like ol’ 22!  Tully thinks the world is culturally imperialistic for thinking their region specific religion is better than anyone elses, well with the internet giving us access to all walks of life.  He was also on Steam Pipe Alley back in the day, but thats a whole other story!  Back to Jesus, so if Heavens so freaking sweet, why don’t we off ourselves and go right now?  Cause fucking Oxford said suicide don’t get you into heaven, oh and God wants you to grapple with cancer for a few before your ready, nice to know!  If you were ever curious the difference between the new and old testaments, think of it like the difference between 311 and Danzig.  Also, make sure to not get TJ Lavin started on all this religious talk since Jesus causes hangovers. Remember kids, Pro Satan and Pro Forgiven! And as far as Rawdogs concerned, “Just don’t mess with the Jews and your ok!”

 

You can’t see him, but this guy is pointing to Tully. Show business is a mother fucker!

Axl Rose was at the Bridge School Benefit preforming acoustically with GNR.  She’s still got it!  After watching this video, Ellis compared it to Honey Boo Boo for others, a train wreck you can’t look away from.  He honestly thinks someone killed Axl, replaced him, and were watching this new shitty Axl.  Tully thinks its just the Marlboro Reds catching up to him, but #fucktully right.  Backbone called in to confirm the stories of random people being paid royally, to be on call for weeks to months at a time, in case Axl decided he was ready to record Chinese Democracy….which only took like 20 years and 17 million bucks to complete.  Cullen also said he recently saw Slash play with Myles Kennedy and they were shredding like the ledges they are!  Speaking of shredding, there is plenty of it in the 2012 Reverse Awards.

Contestants Brittany and Abby for this year’s “Person With the Least Amount of Heads” Award

Rawdog went through this years categories again, and they discussed and finalized the contestants.  Rawdog will post a site for us soon……….So keep your eyes open on twitter, and here, for the link to the website so you can vote for who you think is this years “Most Human Looking” or “Least Rapey Father”!  Oh yeah, don’t forget that Tim McGraw still hates the show – #TruckYeah

 

 

So some dude in New Jersey bit his finger off, after being transported between the hospital and lock up a few times, while high on PCP.  Meanwhile, these two other guys got naked, sacrificed some birds, set their house on fire, and put a shotgun barrel to the chest of a police officer….and only one of them died.  Sounds like cult activity to me, a Jizz Cult perhaps?  Speaking of Jizz Cult, we finally got to use his New Music Tuesday intro.  You know, the one that started all of this intro madness.  It took a while, and an unnecessary conference call, but we got to hear the pay off we’ve all been waiting for.  All this just giving way to Josh and his 2 week back up of Audio Ejaculate all over your earballs!  Tons of shit here to go back and check out, 12 artists in all, a really swell time.  Ellis is having a swell time on Hollywood Uncensored recently, even though he was getting ragged on for being so old and still wearing hats n shit.  But you know the Wing is comfortable with himself and is doing his thing, so fuck off.  You know who’s not comfortable, old baseball managers in those tight ass uniforms with their gunts pouring out of their stretch pants.  Could you imaging Phil Jackson rocking a Lakers warmup set on the sideline?  Old People, am I right?

 

Really dude – Can’t skip the shake and extra large fries once in a while?

 

Since Tully’s still on his vacation away from his family, he’s been staying up late and got to go get some RoRos Chicken.  What he hasn’t been doing is participating in the Fantasy Slut League that some Bay Area high school kids were running, until they got busted of course.  He has however been dreaming of dressing like Professor Moneybags from Monopoly.  Ellis suggested he makes it rain in the strip club if he did such a thing.  Speaking of making it rain, think you can make it rain laughter with your stand up routine?  Email your shit to ellisparodies@gmail.com and you can get reviewed live on the show like Jeff Judd did today.  Rawdog thinks he can, and almost had a bet lined up with Tully and Ellis to see who could do the best 5 minute routine.  Rawdog suggested they do their shit in a club, and the crowd’s applause can decide who won.  Tully had a different idea, to still do their 5 minute routine, but on the Ellis Show….and loser has to preform the same routine in some random comedy club in the ghetto.  Nothing got finalized but maybe more on this in the future.  Apparently Rawdog had no idea he has done a live set once before at the Pink Taco back in Ellis Mania 4, Classic!  He does remember that he wants to do acid at some point in his life, but Tully suggested to do really good shrooms instead.  They all agree whichever drug you do, watch VideoDrome while doing it.  Of course Rawdog would hate this movie, since he hates anything with old special effects.  The Matrix blows if you watch it now, since its so old and outdated.  He also thinks older cartoons are better because they have less visually, but are still as good as todays with their better writing and jokes.  Sufferin’ Succotash! (See it’s not funny people).  Don’t worry, Butterballs stopped by to save the day, and hooked his junk up to the RC Car to give the old tug and pull.  This isn’t his first dance with such obstacles  since he once did the Disco Balls challenge.  That guy has so much heart, but not as much as your mom….she never stops gaping and buttchugging, a true competi-whore!