Monthly Archives: June 2012

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 6/12/2012

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Hulk banging a cement truck

Yeaaaaaa motherfuckers. Tuesday, what can we say about Tuesday? Not a lot I suppose. I prefer not to talk about it. Dingo and Jude were on the show, and a dingo did in fact steal that one bitches baby, I think. It doesn’t matter if you blow Hulk or get fucked by Hulk, you’re gonna die because he’s going to get all up in (and completely go through) dem guts, aight. Rawdog may be forced to wear a bikini in his fight at Ellismania. That Sam Ruben dude from KTLA called in to the show and he still wants to send Ellis on press junkets to interview movie stars and shit. He had a bunch of helpful tips for interviewing these stars and such. The dopest part of all that talk? Ellis may get to interview Salma Hayek, she’s hot as hell, and I’d straight up ruin my life just to get all up on Salma.

Or maybe not so much

Surprise, surprise, CougarLife is a scam, because you have to keep buying credits to talk to fake cougar bitches. Who’da thunk it? Age 14 Tully, being the stud he is, broke up with his girlfriend and recorded it so he and his friend could listen and laugh about it. OH BURN, BITCH! Ellis went to the spa, some chick in the street asked him if that was parking for the spa. He goes into the spa, nobody is there and then suddenly a worker was giving a tour to this chick he saw in the parking lot. She comes into the room he’s in, sits down and starts talking to him, saying that Ellis reminds her of her brother. He was trying to teach her how to swim and shit, she left to go get a facial and said she’s going to start coming there at the same time he does. Sounds like she’s trying get with Ellis, but she probably could have skipped the whole “you remind me of my brother” line. Cool story bro.

Everything is going to be fine.

I had to pick my kid up after work because my wife got to go to the fucking horse track with her work like some kind of old ass, degenerate, gambling addict. That shit ain’t fair, I wanna go too! Anyway, so the last thing I heard was about a Mormon, who was married to a woman, but was gay and sexually attracted to men, but thought it would be a sin if he actually had sex with a man. What a conundrum that guys life must be. Next thing I knew, Tully was describing (rather sensually) an imaginary omelet he was cooking, to a caller. Doesn’t sound like I missed much, because I did hear another caller say he was impressed with Rawdog for kissing chicks and impressed with Ellis for not ending the show early today because of all the shitty callers. Speaking of shitty, I’ve got a craptastic joke about your Asian mother. Do you know why she has such squinty eyes? Because atomic bombs are pretty bright. OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 6/11/2012

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It’s Monday

How-do my fine young cannibal folk? It’s Monday, nobody likey Monday unless it’s their first day of vacation, but even then – Monday’s just an asshole so it can still suck a herpes infested dick. And just so you know, I could use a picture of a herpes infected dick, but I won’t do that to you, not today at least – today you get Bugs Bunny in prison. We all know this next fact, but the Swinghouse studio is falling apart. It seems like every week there’s a new fiasco in that shitheep, and today was something to do with the voice altermication machine, according to Slick Shins Willy (that’s right, I’m using a new name for Shiney Shins Pendarvis for today) it was a bypass button that should have been checked prior to the show, but wasn’t. See? Slick Shins Willy does come to the rescue for fans as well as the talent. Ellis took a half black shit today so he’s thinking he might have internal bleeding, my initial diagnosis is maybe he’s shitting out evil, because evil is typically black in the movies. Ellis wants to shave off his beard now because the person he grew it for (I assume Katie) hates him (according to him) so he wants it off his face.

Get rid of your cock breath!

Today is make-out party day with hot chicks, they’re quickly trying to find a third chick to participate because one of the original girls set to appear missed her flight because she got roofied. Red Dragons!? One of the chicks coming in is Alexis Ford (@alexisford), a Penthouse Pet of The Month, and the same chick from New York whose button is her talking about “the loads coming down”, meaning the load in her butt. A caller chimed in to say that he’s seen her suck dick and so maybe they should think twice about making out with her, but as Tully said, your mom has sucked a dick and you still kiss her. Plus, they make after dick mints, so it’s all good. The other chick, which was kind of a surprise to the listeners until she came in for her turn in the contest, was Sparky (@Sparky_Fett)! Yes, the one and only chick that Rawdog banged twice with one condom! RawDerp, knowing he’s supposed to make-out with hot chicks today, decided it would be a good idea to not take a fucking shower today – but he did go to the dentist this morning and shaved his facial hair (as did Ellis) so I guess that’s about the best one could hope for.

Alexis’s boobs just about fell out.

For the contest, Rawdog will be known as “Fisty LaRue” and Ellis will be known as “Acockolypse Now” and during this segment, the chicks are blindfolded and have to guess who they are making out with. Alexis kissed Fisty LaRue first and immediately afterwards said “I hope contestant #2 is better”, ouch. Her initial reaction was “the first guy had bigger lips, he didn’t use any tongue at first – like he was nervous or something, and he needs some more work”. Acockolypse Now was next, afterwards she said “he had soft lips, a nice wet mouth, was more passionate, and he used more tongue. He was good, but felt he didn’t give it his all.” After these criticisms from Alexis, the guys went in for another round to see if their make-out techniques had improved. Afterwards, she said kissing Fisty LaRue reminded her of making out in highschool, while she said Acockolypse Now gave her exactly what she wanted. So overall, it sounds like Ellis won that first round.

Sparky could turn Kermit into gaping.

Next to come in blindfolded was Sparky. After kissing Fisty LaRue, she immediately knew who she was kissing, as she’s kissed him before. Her constructive criticism was that he should use a little more tongue, but also said that he had gotten better since their last encounter. Oh, and she grabbed his balls while she was making out with him!  Obviously Ellis was next, she said she liked that he started off slow, and he was very sensual, but she said it seemed like it also lacked passion – I guess like he didn’t go for it more. After criticisms, they went for a second round. For Fisty LaRue, she said it was better, but she still wanted more dedication. So she kissed him for a third time, like the way she wants to be kissed. On Acockolypse Now’s second attempt, not to be outdone by Fisty, she said it was perfect and she was a little speechless afterwards. I think there might have been some slightly illegal touching in there, but you show me in the rule book where it says not pussy patting.

Rawdog getting a kissy in public?

RawDog went out on another date this weekend and started making out with the chick while they were at the bar. He doesn’t really remember much because by that point he had a few drinks, but he thinks she made the first move, however he did go for a titty grab while at the bar and she brushed his hand away. No word yet on if after the girl left, he stopped by a fast food bathroom to whack off. The Pacquiao vs Bradley fight was this weekend, supposedly everyone who knows what they are talking about said Pacquiao won, but the judges disagreed and gave the win to Bradley, oh and boxing is corrupt like politicians are… uh, corrupt. Fuck, that was witty.

Breaking news, Grant “Bubble Tits” Cobb has retired from his illustrious boxing career at Ellismania, therefore the interim musical chair champion (@Butterballs_EM6) get’s his belt back. Spots were also getting chosen today for the musical chair fight, there doesn’t seem to be any shortage of people who want in. Penguins full on practice necrophilia, which is odd because you’d think a dead penguin’s holes would be frozen shut, but hey, what do I know. It’s not like I work for National Geographic or watched Happy Feet 3. Actually, I do know this… You’re mom got dressed up like Cinderella once and do you know what happened when she got to the ball? She gagged. OH!

Your mom has the classiest pictures hanging in her stall in the barn.

If You Could Ask My Wife One More Question, What Would It Be?

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Here is another round of asking my wife shit. As some of you may remember, I previously asked all you mofo’s “If You Could Ask My Wife One Question, What Would It Be?” and everyone really seemed to like it, even my wife – and she’s no fun. Just kidding honey, (but not really) the questions and answers were pretty funny last time, so let’s see how this round turned out. And as before, I let her pick the questions she wanted to answer and didn’t alter anything.

@CptnSparky: how old is @bitchPimps?

@bitchPimps: Lets just say bitchPimps robbed the cradle.

Brought to you by, CougarLife.com!

@steveanonymus2: take his fucking account away from him lol

@bitchPimps: Noway. Then we’d actually have to talk and spend time together and shit.

Where would I find the time to post smut?

‏@CptnSparky: If it were to go down, who would join you two, if a celebrity would join you in bed for a threesome? #OutOfLine #IKnow

@bitchPimps: Couldn’t we just make it a foursome, one for me and one for him?

Could we do it in separate rooms? I don’t want to be anywhere near Paul Walker.

‏@CptnSparky: Have you ever attempted any of @EllisMate‘s ‘reverse’ sexual positions? i.e. reverse chicken wing bowl, ect..,

@bitchPimps: I may not be up on the latest sex lingo but I’m pretty sure a reverse chicken wing bowl is not in my near future.

Looks like it’s going down prison style!

‏@CptnSparky: Have you witnessed @bitpimps do any illegal shit?

@bitchPimps: Oh yes. I had the great pleasure of hitting up the ATM at 4am to get money to bail him out of jail. Ah, memories.

That was some bullshit too!

‏@bwstrangler: ok back to that magical night in that sketchy hotel room, what was it that got things Hot and heavy? #Part1

@bitchPimps: My mouth and his bit.

I was gonna say when Jackie Gleason appeared in the movie.

@CptnSparky: what is a guilty pleasure of @bitPimps music wise, that he loves but would probably rather no one else knew?

@bitchPimps: I do remember having a conversation with him one time about Madonna.

Look, that was back when she was do-able.

‏@tank_yanker: what’s the weirdest, most disgusting thing you’ve ever caught him doing? #TopFive #IfYouCantDecide

@bitchPimps: Wow, you just want me to list one? Honestly, he doesn’t hide the disgusting things he does. He does that shit right out in the open. Should we talk about him playing with and being so proud of the 4 inch nipple hair he had or the cutting of his toenails on my back porch?

Dead sexy. I’m a lady killer!

‏@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite position?

@bitchPimps: Sitting.

I forget the name of the position, but I like when you’re shutting the fuck up. HEYOH!

‏@mrsjessliv: Name 3 things that make you horny.

@bitchPimps: A clean house, laundry done and my fucking car washed.

I’ve done all that shit before, she’s lying.

‏@mrsjessliv: Does toothpaste or cough drops irritate you vag? #Random #IHateIt

@bitchPimps: What the fuck kind of question is that?

She’s married to a bubble wrap strangler, go figure. lol

‏@CptnSparky: Have you ever encorporated a little strip tease into an evening of seduction at home with @bitPimps?

@bitchPimps: Hell no, we’d be so busy laughing there would be no boner.

We did bang while she was doing a Splash Dance routine once!

‏@CptnSparky: Has Twitter had a positive or negative effect on your relationship?
@bitchPimps: If he’s happy, I’m happy.

Lies! Outright lies! You’re not happy unless I’m miserable.

‏@CptnSparky: How do you feel about Canadians, in general?

@bitchPimps: I love them! That’s my homeland bitch!  Ok, they talk a little funny.

Pft! Pshhh! A little?

‏@bwstrangler: Do u feel like u posses the strength to rip out a mans testical? Have u ever urinated in the back of a cop car?
@bitchPimps: Absolutely and Absolutely not.

Take a walk on the wild side, add that one to the bucket list.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: If you woke up as a dude, would you jack off, pee on something, or do the helicopter in front of @bitPimps?

@bitchPimps: I would immediately fondle my wife’s boobs.

I like your style.

‏@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite scary movie?

@bitchPimps: I’m a huge chickenshit. I don’t like scary movies.

Verified. She also cries at commercials.

@bwstrangler: U have the chance to date master P’s son, some jerseyshore dickhead, or some shitbag named Jeremy, who do u pick? #FuckINeedCable

@bitchPimps: Nice choices. I think I’d rather play a game of Kill, Fuck, Marry.

I hope you’d kill the jerseyshore dickhead.

‏@Truk_Norris: Is it true that @bitPimps #LovesTheCock

@bitchPimps: Only his own.

My cock is pretty fuckin’ awesome.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: Is @bitPimps allowed to go to Ellis Mania with me next year? #BetterAskTheBoss #Pleeaaaasssseeee

@bitchPimps: He’s a big boy, he can make that decision all on his own. The real question is, would he want to go with you?

You have no idea what you just agreed to.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: If @bitPimps nuts were really nuts what kind of nuts would they be?

@bitchPimps: Are there real nuts that big?

BOOM!

‏@mrsjessliv: What’s your favorite nickname for your vag? Does Bit call it something special? #JuiceBox #CreamPie #Swamp

@bitchPimps: bitvag.

I’m a gentleman, I usually call it a gash.

‏@mrsjessliv: How do you feel about anal sex?

@bitchPimps: NO. Simple.

You can scream and cry all you want, that just makes it hotter!

‏@itswillbitches: if your pink taco aka vagina was a real taco, would it be a soft, hard or doritos taco?

@bitchPimps: Holy shit dude, if there is seriously someone out there that could compare their vag to a hard or doritos taco, they’ve got serious problems.

So… soft taco?

‏@itswillbitches: if you chose a life of crime, what would be your path chosen? (mob, drugs, fraud, hooker etc.)

@bitchPimps: Assassin. Wait, make that a very hot, sexy assassin.

I’d give you your first contract, a hit on the entire Offspring band.

‏@mrsjessliv: What’s more funny… Chest or vag farts? #IPreferChest

@bitchPimps: WTF is a chest fart? My boobs must not be big enough.

Christmas is coming up!

‏@mrsjessliv: spit or swallow? #DependsWhatHeDrinksHuh?

@bitchPimps: Never waste a good thing.

‘Atta girl!

‏@itswillbitches: if you were held hostage and your captors were to rape you with an animal, would you choose a mouse, snake or horse?

@bitchPimps: Wait, is bitPimps sharing our bedroom fantasies again?

I swear, I only mentioned it once, and that was in passing!

‏@mrsjessliv: Beatles or Stones?

@bitchPimps: Both.

Tom Cruise.

‏@itswillbitches: what flavour of cake would you most prefer to be eaten out of your vag?

@bitchPimps: There would be no cake. bitPimps doesn’t have a sweet tooth.

Fuck a bunch of candy, gangster.

‏@itswillbitches: out of all the soda flavours available, which do you think would be the bully, the emo, the jock and the nerd?

@bitchPimps: Pespi. It has multiple personalities.

Why the fuck are we talking about soda?

‏@mrsjessliv: How did you meet the man of your dreams? And how did Bit steal you away?

@bitchPimps: When you can’t have Paul Walker you settle for second best.

You know I could beat the life outta that little bitch.

‏@itswillbitches: if you were at a disney theme park, whom would be the first character that you would hug?

@bitchPimps: Could we invite Buggs Bunny? Don’t really have a fav Disney character.

I’d go for the one with the biggest tits.

‏@itswillbitches: would you rather be bit by a swarm of mosquitoes nonstop 4 a week, a giant spider 4 a day or bit’s dad 4 3 hours?

@bitchPimps: OMG. And yet another fucked up image of my father in-law. Thanks.

HAHAHAA! That’s awesome.

‏@itswillbitches: do you prefer to use ketchup or catsup?

@bitchPimps: Ketchup, the way normal fucking people say it.

Yea man, down with catsup! Fuck the man!

‏@itswillbitches: do you know how awesome it is to lay down in the middle of a street? #drugquestion

@bitchPimps: As a matter of fact, I do.

You know how awesome it is to be tripping on ‘shrooms and going to the cereal isle of the grocery store? Let me tell you, really fucking awesome!

‏@AZ_RedDragon: Can you touch your toes without bending your knees? Better have your camera ready! #GreatViewFromTheTop

@bitchPimps: Is that your way of asking if I’m fat??  And yes, I can.

Big deal, so can I. You ain’t so special!

‏@Truk_Norris: Have you ever gaped @bitPimps with your lady fist?

@bitchPimps: Wow.

I know, right? That was an great time! I had no idea a chair leg would fit.

@bwstrangler: If u had one song to take a shot and or have a drink too what is that song?

@bitchPimps: Anything by Jack Johnson or Maroon 5. Depends on what drink I’m on.

That has to be the gayest possible answer.

‏@AZ_RedDragon: Do you get annoyed with @bitPimps obsession with the show as much as my wife does?

@bitchPimps: Not really annoyed, just uninterested.

You liked when callers had to sing to R. Kelly’s Ignition.

And that’s a wrap folks! Give yourselves a round of applause. And give me all your lovin’, ZZ Top style! Until next time.