If you’re not familiar, 中Jersey Mike中 (@jerseymike334) made quite a few parody songs for TJES, most (if not all) have been featured on the show – some are still in use on the show to this day. And he was kind enough to send them over to us so we could share them with the rest of you! Enjoy, this guy made some legendary shit – show him some love!
How-do my fine young cannibal folk? It’s Monday, nobody likey Monday unless it’s their first day of vacation, but even then – Monday’s just an asshole so it can still suck a herpes infested dick. And just so you know, I could use a picture of a herpes infected dick, but I won’t do that to you, not today at least – today you get Bugs Bunny in prison. We all know this next fact, but the Swinghouse studio is falling apart. It seems like every week there’s a new fiasco in that shitheep, and today was something to do with the voice altermication machine, according to Slick Shins Willy (that’s right, I’m using a new name for Shiney Shins Pendarvis for today) it was a bypass button that should have been checked prior to the show, but wasn’t. See? Slick Shins Willy does come to the rescue for fans as well as the talent. Ellis took a half black shit today so he’s thinking he might have internal bleeding, my initial diagnosis is maybe he’s shitting out evil, because evil is typically black in the movies. Ellis wants to shave off his beard now because the person he grew it for (I assume Katie) hates him (according to him) so he wants it off his face.
Today is make-out party day with hot chicks, they’re quickly trying to find a third chick to participate because one of the original girls set to appear missed her flight because she got roofied. Red Dragons!? One of the chicks coming in is Alexis Ford (@alexisford), a Penthouse Pet of The Month, and the same chick from New York whose button is her talking about “the loads coming down”, meaning the load in her butt. A caller chimed in to say that he’s seen her suck dick and so maybe they should think twice about making out with her, but as Tully said, your mom has sucked a dick and you still kiss her. Plus, they make after dick mints, so it’s all good. The other chick, which was kind of a surprise to the listeners until she came in for her turn in the contest, was Sparky (@Sparky_Fett)! Yes, the one and only chick that Rawdog banged twice with one condom! RawDerp, knowing he’s supposed to make-out with hot chicks today, decided it would be a good idea to not take a fucking shower today – but he did go to the dentist this morning and shaved his facial hair (as did Ellis) so I guess that’s about the best one could hope for.
For the contest, Rawdog will be known as “Fisty LaRue” and Ellis will be known as “Acockolypse Now” and during this segment, the chicks are blindfolded and have to guess who they are making out with. Alexis kissed Fisty LaRue first and immediately afterwards said “I hope contestant #2 is better”, ouch. Her initial reaction was “the first guy had bigger lips, he didn’t use any tongue at first – like he was nervous or something, and he needs some more work”. Acockolypse Now was next, afterwards she said “he had soft lips, a nice wet mouth, was more passionate, and he used more tongue. He was good, but felt he didn’t give it his all.” After these criticisms from Alexis, the guys went in for another round to see if their make-out techniques had improved. Afterwards, she said kissing Fisty LaRue reminded her of making out in highschool, while she said Acockolypse Now gave her exactly what she wanted. So overall, it sounds like Ellis won that first round.
Next to come in blindfolded was Sparky. After kissing Fisty LaRue, she immediately knew who she was kissing, as she’s kissed him before. Her constructive criticism was that he should use a little more tongue, but also said that he had gotten better since their last encounter. Oh, and she grabbed his balls while she was making out with him! Obviously Ellis was next, she said she liked that he started off slow, and he was very sensual, but she said it seemed like it also lacked passion – I guess like he didn’t go for it more. After criticisms, they went for a second round. For Fisty LaRue, she said it was better, but she still wanted more dedication. So she kissed him for a third time, like the way she wants to be kissed. On Acockolypse Now’s second attempt, not to be outdone by Fisty, she said it was perfect and she was a little speechless afterwards. I think there might have been some slightly illegal touching in there, but you show me in the rule book where it says not pussy patting.
RawDog went out on another date this weekend and started making out with the chick while they were at the bar. He doesn’t really remember much because by that point he had a few drinks, but he thinks she made the first move, however he did go for a titty grab while at the bar and she brushed his hand away. No word yet on if after the girl left, he stopped by a fast food bathroom to whack off. The Pacquiao vs Bradley fight was this weekend, supposedly everyone who knows what they are talking about said Pacquiao won, but the judges disagreed and gave the win to Bradley, oh and boxing is corrupt like politicians are… uh, corrupt. Fuck, that was witty.
Breaking news, Grant “Bubble Tits” Cobb has retired from his illustrious boxing career at Ellismania, therefore the interim musical chair champion (@Butterballs_EM6) get’s his belt back. Spots were also getting chosen today for the musical chair fight, there doesn’t seem to be any shortage of people who want in. Penguins full on practice necrophilia, which is odd because you’d think a dead penguin’s holes would be frozen shut, but hey, what do I know. It’s not like I work for National Geographic or watched Happy Feet 3. Actually, I do know this… You’re mom got dressed up like Cinderella once and do you know what happened when she got to the ball? She gagged. OH!
Today was a great show! It’s Rawdog’s (@RadioTFB) birthday today, he turned 26 – 13 in the pants. It’s also Rude Judesday, so he stopped by and got introduced to the Eskibro (What is the Eskibro?), via Rawdog. His maid also accidentally threw away some of his ketamine. Rude Jude’s (@rude_jude) female persona, Stephanie, loves sucking cocks after listening to Dave Mathews. She also has 3 different babies with 4 different men. So she fits right in with Rachel and Sarah. Sarah doesn’t have any babies, she has an open tab at the abortion clinic, which is totally fucking gangster.
There’s a new phone number to the show: 855-ELLIS-41 (855-355-4741)
Jude noticed Ellis was more stabbed up than usual, and Ellis apparently went to town last night. He says he was listening to Danzig and cutting himself up. Ellis also says his 10-some dream is back alive now. Jude and Ellis both think Minnie Driver is hot, however, she fucked Criss Angel – plus she’s English – so by law, she has a big head and annoying accent.
- A pimp cup filled with Jager
- A bag of McDonald’s Nuggets with all their different sauces
- A birthday cake
- Sparky (@Sparky_Fett) showed up! She brought some of her own presents:
- A Burning Angel magazine with very revealing shots of herself
- 24 condoms
- A pimp coat & hat
I have a feeling Rawdog might be getting laid tonight, possibly even anal since they did some good old fashion missionary last time. Sparky certainly talked a lot about anal while she was on the show today, as well as about double penetration, milk enemas, etc.
Nick Swardson (@NickSwardson) also stopped by! He did some chocolate cake bumps with Sparky. Everlast (@OGEverlast) called in and said he was on the way with a bottle of whiskey and a Doobie Brothers album for Rawdog (listen to Rawdog and Everlast doing Long Train Running), but he had to take his mom’s dog to the hospital. At any rate, he called in to wish Rawdog a happy birthday and he might take him for a ride in his whip sometime.
There was talk about the recent Christina Aguilera photos where it looks like she might have menstrual blood coming down her leg. Google it if you want, I’m not linking to that damnation. This brought out a bunch of bleeder chicks talking about their periods. It would seem some of these girls bleed profusely at times – think like a Quentin Tarantino film. Anyways, that’s enough about bloody axe gashes.
Download (link to MP3)
Download (link to MP3)