#TheAwesomeGuideToLife Just keep tweeting it…we’ll get it trending. If you don’t do it…I might not love you anymore. Just sayin.

Ellis opens up the show today with some crazy cat meow trippy background going on, because why the hell not, and he’s been thinking about how easy it is for him to do radio. Seriously. He shouldn’t be allowed to drive, but he doesn’t think that there’s any harm in him being allowed to do a radio show. He’s also gonna go ahead and call bullshit on animals that people say can talk, like whales and dogs, and things like that, because they can’t really talk, guys. Yeah they make all sorts of weird noise and faces and we like to think that they are talking to each other and to us, but they aren’t. They’re animals. They’re dumb. Dogs are gonna be happy when you give them food not because they were asking you for food, but because they’re dogs and they’re dumb and they’ll eat that motherfucking food even if they aren’t hungry and they’ll get fat and dumb(er) and shit. Well…my dog won’t eat if he isn’t hungry…but I’m weird and thereby so is he. And when it comes to whales and them talking to each other, no they don’t! Whales are super dumb! They get themselves into crazy situations where they wind up on beaches and die because they can’t get back off by themselves. Ellis starts wondering if whales beach themselves because they are depressed because all of their whale-talking isn’t working to attract a fe-whale to bone (see what I did there?) and they just want to end their life…but no, probably not, because Tully says that you have to be intelligent to know that you suck and be depressed about your life enough to want to kill yourself and end up a beached whale. It would be cool to see whales jumping in real life though. Like…really real life, not on television…and Ellis wonders where you can go to see something like that? The Antarctic? The Arctic? Turns out that you can see whales jump around in both of those places, but you can’t see Penguins in the Arctic and you can’t see Santa in the Antarctic- they are mutually exclusive fuckers. So that means, as Tully says, that Santa has never seen a penguin, and no penguins have ever seen Santa. That’s kinda sad. But what would penguins even think of Santa? Are they colorblind? Would they just think that he’s some big, disformed, albino penguin? Hmmmm…

This somehow turns into Tully saying that he kind of misses chasing girls around aka ‘The Hunt’. He’s met girls who seemed mysterious and smart, but they really just knew when to not open their mouths to reveal that they were dumb as rocks, but that illusion was shattered at one point where one of these chicks got high and then it was just kind of funny. Oh weed…evening the playing field in the past, present, and for years to come. But Tully misses chasing girls around and flirting and kissing and all of that nonsense, probably because he’s married and doesn’t remember how shitty so much of it really is, but he is quick to say that he definitely doesn’t miss it enough to ditch his current lifestyle of being a hubby and a daddy to go and spend his nights getting drunk and chasing tail. Good save, Tully, good save. Ellis talks about how he is allowed to flirt (because Katie is awesome and really is the perfect woman for him) but he usually doesn’t take the flirting all that far because it just isn’t worth it. In the end, they also have to keep in mind that chasing girls now would be different than chasing girls then because now the girls are all older and shit (because they aren’t creepy and aren’t going to go out and chase 20 year olds) and that’s a game changer.

Ellis posted a new video to Ellismania.com last night, of him going off of a ramp and getting shit-whipped. He says that he had about an 80% chance of making it, but then he didn’t, and got knocked the fuck out. He was having fun right up until the lights went out, which is the important thing, and the only reason that he was there was because it was his home ramp (even though it wasn’t the same ramp anymore and was just in the same spot) and he was mostly out of the skating game at that point, but he was on the tour because he was still a fun guy to be around. On the plus side, after being knocked out he woke up in the hospital to a nurse giving his balls a nice warm sponge bath. For the win.

Ellis was on Frank DeCaro’s radio show this morning talking about his book with Frank and Doria. Tully asks Jason what it was like and Ellis gives the wonderful description that the Frank DeCaro show is a lot like The Jason Ellis Show, just more gay. Which really, is a glowing review when you think about it, because Ellis has no hate for gay people. He did say that he felt that it was the best interview that he did for his book, The Awesome Guide to Life, so far because Frank already knows him (which probably means all that bullshitty small talk was over with pretty quick) and because it’s on satellite radio they could have a real conversation about it. On terrestrial radio the subtitle of the book gets bleeped out…and that’s just lame as fuck if you ask me. Or Ellis. I’m sure that he thinks that’s lame as well. Tully and Ellis start talking about Frank DeCaro and how he’s really sort of a 70 year old man in a slightly younger man’s body because he’s into tons of old fashioned shit and owns cookbooks written by celebrities that neither Ellis or Tully have really ever heard of. Tully, however, does think that he’s a lot like Frank because he tends to have, what he calls, the Entertainment Taste of a Gay Man. Why? Well, maybe because when he went to put on Bob the Builder for DudeMan this morning so he could catch a couple extra winks, his DVR was simultaneously recording Frasier and The Golden Girls. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Ellis then starts pressing a bunch of buttons and we hear songs, kitty meows (that may or may not be CumTard), and after hitting a button containing Andy Dick, Tully mentions that Mr. Dick is going to be doing a cameo for Sharknado 2 along with a shit ton of other celebrities who want to cash in, and is also going to be starring Mark McGrath. Killer Karaoke is going to be premiering tomorrow, so Tully makes the suggestion that they should DVR it on the studio’s TV since they have the capability of doing that, but CumTard shows up to shoot that idea down. Why? Because the board needs to be reconfigured to handle this new DVR power and at this point they’d only be able to either see or hear what was going on. Will is the only person who knows how to configure the board and he’s on the phone. CumTard keeps telling Tully that the DVR is good to go and Tully asks, “how can you say it’s ready to go, but we can’t use it?” and the crickets start chirping because there is no equivocating that question. That’s okay though, because Will puts his call on hold to ask Tully what he wants accomplished and without missing a beat tells Tully that it will not be a problem to get it worked out in time for Killer Karaoke’s premiere. Hi-five Wilson, for making things happen.

Tully tells Ellis that The Awesome Guide to Life seems to be doing well, and Ellis mentions that he wants people to take cool pics with the book so that he can retweet them like Jude is doing with Hyena, because that’s a really good idea. This is where Ellis actually mentions that the interview that he did with Frank DeCaro was the best one, but it fit better two paragraphs ago, and then they start talking about how the gay community seems to be more up to date with how people talk which is why Frank wasn’t offended by the shit that Ellis said in the book, and that the regular media is just way too uptight about all of this shit. Tully goes off on a mini rant about ‘traditional media’ and how they are a bunch of robots who all look the same and act the same and wear the same clothes and have the same views to establish some false sense of normality that they preach to people and make everyone watching them want to emulate their standard of normal so as to not be considered ‘weird’ and how the tide is currently turning due to the internet and everyone’s ability to directly interact with one another and go, “hey wait, everyone is really fucking weird”. But there are still people who are trying to hold on to that traditional media way of life and picture of normality which is where some of the backlash for AG2L comes from, because Ellis talks like he talks and says shit and dick and chick and whatever, but the ‘weird’ out there has the numbers to really make this a fight. Plus, everyone should remember that the mainstream media- the news shows, the late night shows, they are mostly geared toward the 50+ community who have only known this ‘standard of normal’ (that doesn’t actually exist) and yeah…fuck normal. They take some calls and Caller Aaron is mad that his friend lies about cross dressing while high on Crystal Meth and Ellis and Tully think that Aaron should be more concerned about the whole Crystal Meth part of that sentence. Caller Louie (and his wife) call because they’re having a debate about the sexual preferences of people who cross dress and Ellis and Tully lay down the wisdom that cross-dressing doesn’t make you guy, having sex with someone of the same sex is probably more what makes you gay (the wife won the debate). A couple other callers call about things that make you gay or mean you’re gay and then Caller Curtis calls. Caller Curtis is a first time caller and first time show listener who decided to give TJES a listen after hearing Ellis on the Frank DeCaro show this morning. He is a gay man and imparts the following wisdom to Ellis, Tully, and all of us listeners: being gay isn’t what you do, it’s who you are inside. Boom. Claps for Curtis. Caller Bob asks Ellis how many drag shows he’s been to, and Ellis has been to one in America, a bunch in Australia, and he went to the Tranny Awards over the weekend. The caller thinks that this is funny and Ellis shoots him off. Ellis says that he doesn’t mind drag shows, but he doesn’t like it when they fake sing, but Tully would probably be all over that so long as they don’t suck. A caller then calls and asks if a person in prison has sex with other dudes because he’s in prison and has no other options is gay…and it really depends…and Tully doesn’t have a solid answer. He regales us with a short tale about when he was in a long dry spell and he would get drunk and go on Craigslist for casual encounters because he was so desperate for beave, but in that time he never considered going to a gay bar where he probably could have gotten laid for sure. Prison sex happens, but Tully doesn’t really get it.

Back from the break (and yeah…all of that shit went on before the first break…this was not a show of many breaks) there’s a guest on the phone! Who is it? It’s Patrick ‘Durkin’ Cummins. If you don’t know who that is, don’t feel bad because I had no fucking idea either, but he is the guy who is currently slated to fight on the card in UFC 170 against Daniel Cormier after an injury knocked out Rashad Evans. Cummins is 4-0 but has no UFC fights under his belt. Ellis tells him that he is about to be a super star and then asks what he was doing prior to getting signed to the UFC a couple of days ago. Cummins tells Ellis how he was working two jobs as a Barista (he can make a heart out of your espresso, adorable) and as a Security Guard. Even if Cummins doesn’t win the fight against Cormier he will remain in the UFC as he has signed a multi-fight deal, but if you ask Cummins, he will tell you that he is going to win. He’ll also tell you that he’s fought/sparred with Cormier before and in that scrap he dropped him on his head and made him cry. Cummins feels that he has the cardio that Cormier doesn’t and while Cormier might be able to take him in a four minute fight, a fifteen minute UFC event is where Cummins is going to come out on top. He says a couple of times that he has nothing to lose, but Ellis points out that he has everything to gain and Cormier has a lot to lose, so it might motivate him to rip Cummins’ head off. Cummins also points out that Cormier has a lot more weight to cut than he does, and that he previously (Olympics) has had trouble cutting weight and he has to cut even more weight here. All in all, Cummins comes off as a determined but very affable guy, and I sort of hope he wins because he reminds me of my friend Dr. Marc who is like a big muscley puppy. Tully tells Cummins that he will be putting thousands of dollars that he doesn’t have on him to win so, you know, no pressure. You can follow Patrick Cummins on twitter if you want @officialdurkin, and you know that you do, in fact, want.

Off the phone, Will is instagramming himself with The Awesome Guide to Life, which is something that you should get on doing. Taking pics with the book, I mean, not being Will in their studio…because Ellis wants to retweet those pics!!! Speaking of The Awesome Guide to Life, Tully is started to get less fake angry and more real angry over the negative reviews coming from females in regard to the book. Why? Because it’s increasingly apparent after reading GQ’s article that these women aren’t even actually reading the book. They are being spoon fed random sentences and reacting out of context, which is just…bullshit. Although, as Tully points out to Ellis, being on GQ’s radar kind of means that you’re making it. Ellis says that he isn’t offended by people who are offended by him, because he gets it. He’s an asshole. He doesn’t sugar coat things. He is trying to be more understandable to women (of women?) but he’s doing it for himself, not for his critics or anyone else. We all know where I stand on this one. Tully points out that the book sort of allows readers to live vicariously through him, and it’s impossible that some of the people reviewing the book have actually read it because it is ridiculously apparent that this is a humorous book from an extreme guy living an extreme lifestyle. He is not telling everyone to go out and sleep with strippers and prostitutes. Get over yourselves negative reviewers. The Awesome Guide to Life is in the #1 slot on two separate Amazon lists though…so…wooo!!!! And ELLIS NEEDS MORE PICS WITH THE BOOK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?!?!?! Oh wait, there’s one of the book next to an Ellismate tattoo, who’s that from? It’s from Jenni. Boom. Yeah…I just recapped Ellis mumbling my name. Tully said Hubbs’ tattoo was sweet. DoubleBoom.

Time for some Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack- Billy Ray Virus, President Death, Mr. Chick, Spreewell Menses, Captain Banana Trousers, Emergency Tits, Mr. FuzzyBottom, Mrs. BottomFuzz, Phil Myassin (With Dicks), The Polish Dinosaur, The Black Asian, JohnnyJohnny FuckFuck, Heavy Fingering, Neck Toddler, Napalm Turd, I Eat People, The Fart Whisperer, Fuck My Face, Frozen Shitknife III, and the Fifth Metallica. These were some epic fucking names and I almost didn’t get them all because I was laughing so hard. Captain Banana Trousers!!!!!! Amazeballs.

Back from the second break Tully reminds us all that he and Ellis are doing one of those Reddit AMA (Ask Me Anything) sessions tomorrow (Thursday 2/20/14) starting a 9:30AM Pacific Time, which is 12:30PM Eastern Time, and if you’re somewhere in between…add or subtract an hour as needed. The book is out. It’s real. It’s happening. I don’t know much about AMA’s, but with the anything goes questions, I’m sure it will be super interesting. There was supposed to be a game starting straight back from the break, but they aren’t ready because all of the contestants aren’t there, so CumTard gets his Bummy face kicked out of the studio for now. Ellis and Tully play a video shot by a dad who is sitting in his car and watching kids fall on patches of ice. Tully makes a couple of jokes about not knowing what the white stuff is because he’s a dick and he thinks 50 degrees is cold. It was 45 degrees out in New York today and I was like “Oh my fucking God, thank you for making it warm outside!” The dad doesn’t try and warn anyone about the ice, nor do the kids who are also standing around watching it happen also, and yeah, we’re all a bunch of assholes, because I saw that video and it was funny as hell. Ellis brings up Ronda Rousey and how her father killed himself when she was 8 and how it’s really tempting to think about how that affected her and maybe attributed to her current personality, but her mother was also a Judo Olympian famous for her arm-bars, so maybe Ronda was always going to be insanetastic (yeah, I won’t insult a bitch who can kill me). Tully asks what if she’s too good and there is truly no one who can even come close to beat her? Every great fighter needs a good rival, right? What if Miesha Tate is the best of the rest? Ellis thinks that there has to be someone out there who can beat her and Miesha did give her a pretty good run the second time around, just like there’s someone who can beat Anderson Silva- although apparently Anderson Silva can beat himself (Oh! Too soon? I don’t care! That was all Hubbs and I died laughing). CumTard came up with a short video of a little Russian girl walking on ice for the first time…since they’re just looking for ways to take up time until the game is a go, and all you hear is the girl crunching along on the ice until whack! Her head hits the ground. Ouch. In other news, the UFC and Dana White are talking about uniforms becoming a thing. Some people are having a shit fit over it, but Ellis and Tully are okay with it. Whatever. Lastly (at least for the purposes of this recap) archeologists (probably) have recently unearthed a 200 year old douche! Exciting, right? It was made out of an unidentified mammal bone and was found in Manhattan in the original city hall grounds/ruins/whathaveyou and they’re thinking that they basically uncovered the aftermath of a pretty bitching party because douches were the contraception of choice back in the day and it was found among empty bottles of booze and food containers. WooHoo!

Time for the game! Which is Smell! That! Dick! Wait…what? Well…seems like CumTard is going to do some CumTarded dick sniffing while wearing a Borat style unitard where his own junk is half falling out, much to the chagrin of Tully and Ellis. CumTard sniffs 3 anonymous dicks and tries to place their race…and he is correct. He squeals a couple of times and gets scared about dick hitting his face, but he accurately identifies a white dick, a Spanish dick, and some sort of dip (because there was no third dick available). The dick’s belong to Joanna Angel’s boyfriend who I only know by his twitter handle @the_small_hands and Foxxy @Foxxy702. They hang out in the studio for a while and talk some shop, including confirming that if CumTard had to have sex with any of the dick contestants it would, indeed, be Foxxy. There is some accusations of CumTard being a raging homophobe thrown out by Ellis, but Foxxy comes to CumTard’s defense and says that she doesn’t believe that because they are buds. They talk about CumTard needing to get his style together a little bit more, and Ellis tells him that he needs to stop wearing clothes that are too big on him to try and hide his fat because that just makes him look fatter. They all agree that he should look into dressing like Wimpy from the Popeye cartoons who would gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today. Ellis asks Foxxy if she thinks that calling Trannies ‘Tranny’ is offensive, and she says that she doesn’t find it offensive, but she knows that some people do take it negatively, although she doesn’t understand why. They talk about Ellis going to the Tranny awards and Foxxy informs Ellis that the older guys who just wear a dress and lipstick and don’t go all out are considered more cross dressers or transvestites as opposed to being Trannies because it’s something they do for a special occasion and it isn’t the life that they live.

Back from the third break, Tully lets us all know that Friday is Chad Reed day!!! All listeners are invited to join in on the celebration by writing poems about good old Chad Reed. You can call in the show on Friday and try and get on air to read your poem, or you can write a poem to email to SubmitToEllis@gmail.com and have it read on the air for you. Make them good ones, guys!!!! It’s going to be a hell of a day!!! Then Will is in the studio for some sort of reason and sees CumTard half in his unitard and says how he was trying to avoid seeing him in the whole unitard because, I’m sure, he has seen enough frightening things in his lifetime. But, Tully shows him the pic of CumTard unitarding around with the book and Will asks that he ‘take it away’.

And then my Sirius App died. I feel like I really can’t be that mad at it, because it did a hell of a lot better this week than it did last week (thank goodness). I sent a tweet out to the tweeterverse asking what happened in approx. the last 20 minutes of the show and I was told by the one, the only AZ_RedDragon “Ummmm, after I was rockin my balls off to Danzig, they did some shit, it was funny, then final calls, not so funny #MyAppDiedToo”. So…there you go :)

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s not Christmas, it’s The Jason Ellis Show

The hunt is better than the kill

Will Pendarvis is really just an incarnation of Joe Cocker

There are so many reasons not to do meth

A Normal person knows what they want and are able to get it without sabotaging themselves and hurting other people, according to Tully

If you find your son wearing a dress and masturbating to his own reflection, you might want to keep an eye on his Facebook page

Buffalo Bill shit is abducting fat chicks, starving them until they’re skinny, and making clothes out of their skin- for the record

The second you (a guy) pinpoints the ‘hot guy’, you’re probably gay

No gay man wants to have sex with a guy in an Affliction shirt

Ellis and Tully are ahead of their time

Cary Hart and Chad Reed both had back surgery today

Children are savages

Look out for Booze and Douching- the new song from HateBean

Tully got to use real shampoo this morning but only has a banana for a snack

The media is distracting you with Shia LeBouf and Obamacare because they don’t want the truth to get out about Surf Rage

Farts say more words than Dolphins

CumTard thinks he has the body of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. He doesn’t. He has the body of Master Splinter.

There should be more Trannies at the Golden Globes, because then the Golden Globes would be interesting.

Tweet your Awesome Guide To Life pics to Ellis @Ellismate he will be picking a pic of the week every week and the person who took that pic is gonna get hooked up

Go buy Awesome Guide to Life if you haven’t done it already! It’s amazing! I finished it yesterday and you’ll be hearing my thoughts on it soon!!!!