Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/10/14

Posted on June 11, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Holy fuck, just as I wrote the title for this post, I realized that if you add up the last four digits of today’s date, it equals six, which means all you need to do is put another 6 at the end and you can make today Satanic and sacrifice a goat on your balcony after work and maybe your upstairs neighbors will get the god damn point and clean up their busted kiddie pool from the back yard so the landlord can stop posting notices to all the tenants not to leave trash lying around!!! Math is good, it can make any day a gift to our dark lord and master. Speaking of darkness, it’s time to listen to a man who claims to be black due to a minor percentage of his bloodline being Fijian, Jason Ellis!!! Today, the show got rolling with how fucked up kids need role models in the form of adults who were fucked up kids but are not quite as much anymore, cause when you used to be a fucked up kid with sorta shitty parents, but you grow up to be alright, it kinda behooves you to pass that along so that everybody’s not a total shithead generation after generation. Ellis, I think, is feeling good about those times when he does say the right thing on the show and somebody treats themselves and their offspring a little better. Jude stopped by, and if you’ve read Hyena or listened to the Foreally Show, you would know that he could definitely chime in on this subject. After discussing how Jude’s intro needs to be condensed into a simple description as a black white guy who hates the system regardless of how much he’s benefited from it, Tully asked Jude about Ellis’ thoughts on talking to kids with shitty parents, and as much as Jude wants the rest of the world to crumble under it’s own stupidity, he’s totally down to be a role model to kids. The guys kicked around ideas for how they would go about telling kids that shit ain’t always gonna be as fucked up as they think, and it sounded like a good bunch of stuff swirling around the room. The guys talked about their fucked up parents and hard living for a while, as most of us can probably do for hours on end, given the opportunity. It all boiled down to giving up the teddy bear and finding something to do with your hands that’ll keep you showing up and answering to somebody for something, otherwise you’ll have endless free time to fuck your life up. The guys talked a while about how poor people and rich people raise their kids differently and a lot of it has to do with the stress of not knowing if you’re gonna keep a roof over your head, and the calmness of knowing you’ve got nothing but time to focus on your family. Jude made the point of reminding everybody that wealth is almost impossible to get without being born with it, cause ‘Murrica. Jude and Ellis talked a while longer about the ridiculous shit that used to come spilling out of their dad’s mouths, which I took to heart cause I had years of that shit myself and it’s mentally taxing but I can laugh about it when I repeat it to other people. After talking a while about alcoholic parents and AMC’s Mad Men (returning this fall!) the guys switched to talking about how New York’s public transit system really contributes to alcoholism, but doesn’t help anybody in a game of hockey. Then there was more general talk about hockey and team sports in general, which I don’t follow any of so it all flew over my head like an Amazon Prime drone delivering a 5lb bag of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears to somebody committing a gastrointestinal prank against their frat bros (Google the product reviews, a biblical plague inside of someone’s bowels makes them a writer far and above the caliber of those of us here at NYA). There was more talk of influencing the kids though skateboarding or Muay Thai, but it’s all gonna have to wait until Ellis is off the blood thinners cause it’s not good for him to be getting cut right now. Jason has finally given up the quest to complete the OSbourne family guest appearances, as he’s sick of not getting any feedback from Kelly Osbourne on twitter so he unfollowed her. Probably means nothing to anyone else, but for somebody who loves Ozzy so much, it had to be hard for him to do. In other news tough, Chael Sonnen is not gonna be allowed to participate in UFC 175 due to the new rules regarding testosterone replacement therapy! But don’t feel bad Chael, I got a bunch of credit car processors that could do to have their heads kicked into a fine slurry simply so that I can get things done during the day without having to waste so much time and high blood pressure on telling these people what biblical plagues I will visit upon them with an improbably large penis and the spinal remains of their children. The guys took a break to regroup and play some old school Prince Of Darkness in honor of his daughter not ever coming on the show.

The guys came back to talk to Michelle Waterson, the @karatehottieMMA on twitter female MMA fighter who has been known to bounce back from a pregnancy and fight professionally in less than a years time. Michelle and the guys talked for a while about the struggles of parenting and still trying to be a professional fighter. Michelle gave birth at home with no drugs in the water, and while I would normally automatically dismiss this as someone just being a god damn hipster and praying that they get sucked under a truck on their fixie bike, this lady could probably snap into me like a slim jim, and she’s also been on American Ninja Warrior, so even if I think it’s true, I’d never say it to her face. There was more talk about fighting and moving from one of the other organizations all the way up to the UFC someday. Michelle has also been known to dabble in a bit of modeling and stunt work, most notably MacGruber (yep, that movie that the obscene cum noises came from that the guys like playing so much). Michelle also was on Bully Beatdown that one time, so of course it had to be asked if Mayhem tried to get a piece of it, cause she is Asian, and we all know Mayhem (Allstate!). The folks all talked for a while about how to control your kids’ behavior by feeding them the right foods and keeping sugar to a minimum. With the last few minutes they had Michelle on the phone, they drafted her to be a future sideline fighter at an upcoming EllisMania, which would make it a lot more interesting, seeing as a 105lb lady kicking random people in the face would be a fantastic sight and adds greatly to the comedic value. Have you heard that Bill Gates (the anti-poon-tang) is investing millions and millions in trying to develop the next generation condom, so that men won’t be so lazy about using them and keep making idiot babies for MTV shows and passing around the herps? Well, you’ll be delighted to know that one of the ideas that has been sent his way is the very same rubber undies that the guys were talking about yesterday afternoon! The only problem is, your average guy is gonna sweat in them and develop some pretty mean athlete’s wang. Plus, the condom part is kinda screw on and seems like just a bad idea all around. There’s a show in Australia called Bogan Hunters (on channel 7Mate, yes 7Mate) and it’s a reality show about hanging out with metal heads or something of the sort, and of course Tully had an episode primed up to give us all an inside look at how Australian heshers party. Now, most reality TV is pretty well scripted, and I can certainly detect elements of this in the audio, and as you might expect, everything was just as Australian as you could possibly expect and alcohol was flowing like urine from a Betsy Wetsy doll with a medicine ball on it’s stomach. Jason was generous enough to pause the audio and translate some of the slang so that all of us would know what “pulling a root” means, or what a “slab” is. Cumtard interjected that it was similar to Jersey Shore, but Jason equated it more to Hoarders, both of which make me despise humanity, however Bogan Hunters was a pretty friendly exchange and Australians are cut off from the world, so they gladly accept any and all who arrive on their shores to break the monotony of looking at the same bunch of Australians from birth to death. Tully remembers when he had to put his foot down on the beer selection at his wedding and it turned into him basically telling his mom to get some fucking culture and try new things. This all got kicked off by the conversation about how many different kinds of beers there are at an average 7Eleven in this day and age. I’m surprised that with Tully having actually been to Japan, that he’s never been into a Japanese 7Eleven. According to a news article I read, the coffee there is superior quality to anything you can get at Starbucks, the food is restaurant quality and not just the same rotisserie crap they have here, you can buy hard liquor and interrnational plane tickets, and pay your college tuition, ALL AT A FUCKING SEVEN ELEVEN!!! TELL ME I’M STILL IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH BITCH, I FUCKING DARE YOU!!! LEAVE YA MOTHER FUCKIN HOUSE AND LEARN YOU SUMPIN!!! *ahem* so the guys talked beer for a while, as well as Doritos and how Monster Energy might as well just powder up that energy blend and make some Monster Breakfast Doritos that the kids can freebase out of a light bulb. There were more ideas for the cross promotions that Monster could do, like Monster Milk, or crystal methamphetamine! WILSON stopped in for a bit because there were Wolfknife names to give out, and we salute all the newest members of the ranks: Dick Jackoff, Wolf Nugget, Lick Dickson, The Lone Boner, The Other Lone Boner, Escargot-Nads, Cunt Succubus, Gringo Starr, Rigor Morty Freedman, and Insecure Vag. After all that, the guys took a breather to get over the Monster and Doritos cereal that Tully crushed up like a handful of oxycodone and railed up off of the desk.

The boys came back from break and after pounding out 20 pushups, Tully let us all in on a little secret: he headbutted a security gaurd after he took a piss yesterday during a break. Put the fucker on his ass and just kept strolling, cause THAT IS WHO THE FUCK MICHAEL TULLY IS BITCH! Then there was some talk about Game Of Thrones, which I didn’t watch cause there just seems to be a certain cheese factor to it and I find myself far more entertained by other things on most Sunday evenings. Mickey Avalon is being sued by his maid because she allegedly electrocuted herself on his poorly maintained oven. Most of the case is because he didn’t provide workers comp, which would be fair if Mickey Avalon lived somewhere that was worth providing workers comp for you cleaning lady, if you even had one at all. Buck Angel (FTM transsexual porn star that’s manlier than most of the people you probably know) is getting a divorce from his long time wife and trying to get $2,000 a month in spousal support from the wife cause fuck it, somebody’s gotta pull it off for us eventually. All that Hollywood news means nothing though, cause the real story is that Joanna Angel is in studio to put stuff on a blindfolded Kevin Kraft’s balls. You may remember the last time she came by to do this, and Kevin produced one of the greatest metal high notes in all of history when Joanna put worms on his balls. Joanna and the guys threw around ideas for new movies (porno and otherwise), as well as just some run of the mill jaw jacking amongst friends. They all traded stories about the adventures that came about in making The Woodsman and how Joanna tried to use that movie in a reel for her own acting career and her agent told her that just wouldn’t fly cause what the fuck is The Woodsman? And that was all well and good, but it’s not the reason Joanna’s in the studio today. For today’s episode of the Smartest Box In The World, the mystery substances were some random porn star’s semen, duct tape, sandpaper, a cactus, barbecue tongs, Jetta’s tongue (not really, it was a pig tongue, but they kept the gag going cause Kevin’s reaction was priceless), a shock collar, a feather duster, pubes (which required Jetta to break out the dustbuster for some extra torture), worms (again, but a different kind from last time), an unusually sharp and grabby feeder mouse, and finally itching powder cause it wasn’t enough that cum, cactus thorns and mouse claws are all irritants, so why not grind some irritant chemicals into the wounds? The guys gave the Tard a chance to go clean up and took another break to assess the psychological state that would make a person want to participate in such a hilarious form of torture.

In the last half hour, Joanna and the boys discussed the lamest thing that’s ever made them cry. Joanna got a little teary eyed watching Orange Is The New Black, but was quickly outdone by Tully crying explaining a Morrissey concert to his wife. However, not one to be overtaken, Joanna recalled a time when she cried watching a Motley Crue concert, cause seeing an aging hair metal singer who killed someone in a drunk driving accident literally hit the wall musically just has to be a traumatic experience. The guys took some calls about the lamest thing everybody’s cried about but that was quickly derailed by the fact that nobody was calling. Tully found a news study in which male face bones have evolved to absorb punches, so fellas, if you punch somebody in the face it’s not doing as much damage as you think. Stick to body shots, well placed you can shut down the liver and put a mother fucker on the floor instantly. A few folks called in to tell their stories about the lame shit they cried about and nobody bothered answering the phones, so Joanna and the guys just started talking about music and movies that are really sad, like that Johnny Cash cover of Hurt, which I can no longer listen to cause it got ridiculously over played and I kind of preferred the original anyway, but I can see why that might make someone tear up. Tully howenver, took the opportunity to be Tully and perform a posthumous character assassination of Johnny Cash’s last few albums and cover songs and let everyone know that Rick Rubin was the one really pulling the strings. So, phone calls, sad stuff, one guy had a cat that he got right after 9/11 and it died and he cried when he lost the phone where he took all the pictures of the cat, but then he found the phone again so that was lame. Joanna once cried after banging somebody and letting things get weird cause when you’re a girl you don’t always make complete sense in all the things you do. Another guy called in to tell everybody about how he cried like a little bitch over the movie Dumb and Dumber during the scene when they sold the dead bird to the blind kid. Twitter rose up like a torrential wave of bullshit over Tully’s remarks on Johnny Cash, and much as the internet does, it got everything wrong and blew the whole thing out of proportion, and then the townspeople rejoiced when Tully agreed to go to rehab for his musical taste. Someone else called in to tell us all about how he cried over some techno music after he let a hot girl convince him to take ecstasy cause GOD DAMMIT THE CRESCENDOS MOTHER FUCKER!!! Joanna once cried when she didn’t have a good breakfast of Monster and Doritos and late in the day she went to brunch with some folks but GOD DAMMIT THEY STOPPED SERVING BREAKFAST BEFORE NOON AND SHE DIDN’T GET THERE UNTIL 1PM!!! IT’S A CRIME I TELL YOU!!! WHO WILL CRUSH THIS WOMAN A BAG OF DORITOS AND POUR MUSCLE MONSTER STRAWBERRY ENERGY SHAKE ON IT FOR HER?!?!?!???! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! *ahem* So anyways, a few people cried watching Dogg: The Bounty Hunter and Extreme Makeover Home Edition, one guy called in to say he cries every time he listens to Pearl Jam, and Ken Block’s personal mechanic cried watching the car he built win the world rally cross championship, which is at least understandable. And that was pretty much it, so next time you cry watching My Little Pony, just know that it’s perfectly alright to masturbate using the tears as lube.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/3/14

Posted on June 3, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Have you ever had one of those days when you were really busy and you know that when you get off work it’s gonna be impossible to find a parking space and a few thousand shitheads are gonna be clogging up every inch of free space in your neighborhood for no good reason? That’s right folks, it’s Primary Election day here in California, and if finagling my giant Dodge truck in between a Prius and a driveway wasn’t difficult enough already, I gotta run down the street and risk spontaneous human combustion as I enter the neighborhood church where my polling place is and continue to take part in a corporate sham called the voting process, where the candidates have openly admitted in the information mailed to me by the state of California that “CUSTOMER SERVICE IS NUMBER 1!!!!!” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!??!? THEY AT LEAST USED TO TRY AND HIDE THAT SHIT BUT COME THE FUCK ON, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL ME NOT TO SHOW UP WITHOUT MY WALLET!!! Luckily, there’s Canada, and I will be shooting my loads on her fertile soil soon enough. Also, I’ve got the entire series of “Transmetropolitan”, a comic about government corruption exposed by a psychotic, drug-addicted journalist in a future much worse but not so different from the world we live in today, and if I could be adopted by a fictional character, it would be that guy. He throws grenades off his balcony, assaults federal agents with a bowel disruptor, and simply cannot leave the word “fuck” out of everything he does. But today, let us enjoy the audio spectacle which is the Jason Ellis show, as he reminds us that there is a happiness in one’s own stupidity, as long as you’re smart enough to know when it is happening. Today’s show got started with a little discussion about how badly Bruce Lee would whoop the shit out of most people, even today. Basically, you gotta make your point as a person as best you possibly can, because life is fleeting and politicians are becoming more like McDonald’s cashiers every mother fucking day. Jason has been avoiding the scale because he’s still recovering from having a laser probed into his heart by way of the groin, but he’s really excited to get back to training so he can be the best one vs. ten fighter in all of history. That is, of course, if his ankles will allow it. Tully has never been able to stay at any exact weight, but he has been able to stay within his target healthy weight give or take 7 lbs. Although, him and his wife both got sloppy as fuck cause they both like food and when you’re in a relationship, you’ll cosign just about anything for some sweet poon tang. Hatebean got called in to record more new material, and in a perfect return to form, it made no sense and gives me more reason to fear for Cumtard’s safety come EllisMania 10. Also, his inner southerner came out and he left no one out of it except the master race. He tried to cover his ass, but even Jetta heard it, so it had to have happened. Cumtard scrambled to replay the audio so that he could possibly usurp Will’s throne as SiriusXM’s only 72 hour a day employee, but Jude stepped in to ease the tension while that was being cued up. Will and Jude were having a conversation about how people smell, and oddly enough Jude has identified that trannies have their own particular scent, due to the hormones they take, but you can only notice it when they’ve been sweating. Basically, they smell like onions and butt, according to the guy in the know. Jude also used to offend the strippers at the titty bar he worked at cause he wore rubber gloves when he wiped down the pole. The guys kicked around the idea of the best way to remove jizz moppers from the job market by replacing them with a high powered, wet-dry Roomba type machine, and it does sound like a viable way to cut the overhead at your local jack off booth and return qualified workers to the talent pool for better opportunities. Jude thought somehow that they were talking about training insects to do the job, but he’s been known to snort special K and blast Supertramp for hours on end, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he just misheard something. Speaking of mishearing things, the guys played back the audio of Hatebean defaming the black community, and I heard it too, but he insists that he was talking about licking someone’s face. WILSON is sticking to his guns though, he’s basically so anti-racist, that he’s just like all those self loathing closeted gay people who yell the F-word out the window when they’re driving by then whisper “I love you” once they’re out of earshot. Considering that WILSON and Cumtard have the most ambiguous bromance in all existence, it is looking more and more like Kevin is gonna make a play to become “power-top” in the relationship. Jude is gonna be attending this role reversal session, but he’s not gonna be fighting, cause if Jason has his way, Jude would be fighting a gay Mexican tranny, and while he made that work the one time when he caught one breaking into his house, it would be a sad day for his career if he couldn’t finish the job in a crowd setting. He can however, officiate over Tully and Shoebox’s “sports entertainment” match that will be happening at this event, which I am looking forward to more and more, and god dammit somebody needs to make a highlight reel of all of these fucking things and sell it on VHS in the 99 cent bin at 7-Eleven. Hatebean will be performing as well, and I know that there’s some black people who will be there, so keep your eyes out for Pendarvis getting his ass beat once in a controlled setting, and once more at the Circle Bar, post-performance. The guys worked out some of the logistics of the tensome fight, and no matter how it lands, it’s gonna be a good time. Ellis floated the idea of having an event on a pirate ship and they kicked around a few ideas on how to make it make some slight amount of sense, while still having full nude strippers and alcohol and some sort of full contact sport in international waters. There were some ideas like making people walk the plank and then have to get dressed in drag after the life boats fish them out of the water, and some other stuff like that. the folks took some calls on things and stuff, as is sometimes known to happen, people offered free or reduced price goods and services for whatever hare-brained scheme Ellis is struck by on any given day, and a few people called in with stupid questions and stuff, the guys kicked around more pirate party ideas that sound more and more like a high school event but with full frontal and an open bar and violence, cause all three of those together never caused a problem anytime in recorded history. Jason keeps mentioning some giant Coca-Cola ball from some advertisement that as far as I know does not exist, and suggesting to have people do things to it on a pirate ship. Surrounded by liquor and naked ladies. Let’s stew on all that for a while and listen to a song that the Beatles covered by Charles Manson, that I personally liked better when Motley Crue covered it twenty years later.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS YA FUCKS!!! J-Lo is allegedly banging some dude whose last name is Smart and all of Jenny’s people are sick of answering questions about the guy, but the real news is that the guy is probably keeping a tranny on the side. Well, you heard it here first, some more shit that is basically just appeasing someone’s ego and giving stupid people attention without properly citing that they’re stupid and deserve to be ridiculed. While we’re on the topic of people who need to be ridiculed for their inferior mental capacities, in the neighborhood near my work, the street directly in front of my shop is a 90 minute zone, and there is one 90 minute zone parking space directly around the corner. Now, just beyond that 90 minute space is one more big parking spot and then a driveway. I show up early enough in the day that that space is almost without fail, completely empty and free for use by whoever shows up to claim it, and I have used it almost every day for the better part of 4 years with absolutely no problems at all, unless I forget that it’s street sweeping day. It has been a faithful and glorious parking spot, directly around the corner from work so I can quickly retreat to my vehicle in inclement weather and make a speedy retreat from the near criminal amount of time I spend dealing with the public at large. I almost want to hang some needlepoint at that space, it feels so much like home. A nicely embroidered Dodge Ram logo, or something of the sort. Anyways, for the past, oh, maybe 8 months or so, we have not seen hide nor hair of a metermaid anywhere in the neighborhood, at all, and I mean not a single one, even on street sweeping day, or when some cocksucker refused to pay us and abandoned his car for a month right outside the building. In the last couple days, the city of Albany, California has started trying to solve their understaffing problem by hiring some new metermaids, and we know this because we see them driving around and spot those telltale chalk marks they leave on the tires so they can tell who’s been parked in the same place for too long. Now, as I stated before, I’m always parked in a legal spot. It hasn’t been rezoned and they’re waiting on a new sign to put up, or any other kind of bullshit like that, it’s a legal spot. And today, this cock smoking piece of shit in his little Euro-midget fully enclosed utility scooter comes trotting through the neighborhood and marks every single car on the block I’m parked on. Surely one would think, “OK, they’re new, they can see the sign and see that the 90 minute zone is just that one spot” but nay sir, you would be a fool, for you should know that doubting the stupidity of your public servants is akin to believing that Jesus Christ visited a convicted con artist in Utah and told him to start a religion based off of some gold tablets that only he could read. That’s right folks, this waste of valuable organs that could certainly be put to better use not a mere five miles away from me at Children’s Hospital Of Oakland as donor parts for some poor cancer ridden 6 year old, gave me a god damn parking ticket for exceeding the 90 minute limit. They couldn’t even give me the respect of a fix-it ticket for the expired tags I’ve got on there, which I have current ones for, I just haven’t felt like putting them on. No, this fucking floater in the gene pool just reinforced my belief that we could get real police work done if we would just fire all the metermaids and start making beat cops give out parking tickets. It would humble our cops by reminding them that they really should be doing the shit work, cause that’s what the job should be about, and it would save our cities and counties countless amounts of money in wasted time and worthless employees. And as a fringe benefit, the type of brain trust that isn’t qualified for anything better than being a metermaid will be unemployed and starve to death, thus reviving the natural mechanism known as evolution. DID I MENTION IT’S FUCKING VOTING DAY AND MY NEIGHBORHOOD DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH PARKING AS IT IS?!?!??! AAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAA!!! But anyways, back to the show. So J-Lo has a soft spot for some freaky mother fuckers, and all things considered, at least it’s not children or pets, so fuck it. Now that that’s out of the way, TJ Dillashaw is in studio to talk fighting with Ellis and Tully, and surely enough that’s what he did! I’m not gonna bore you with the details, cause you’re all probably sick of me after that metermaid rant (KILL THEM! NEXT ONE YOU SEE, BASH HIS FUCKING SKULL IN) but if you’re into hearing about the sport of MMA, there was plenty to listen to and form opinions about in the whole back and forth between TJ and Ellis. The Teej also brought along some guy named Duane, and he contributed where necessary. They also revisited that one guy that Ellis spotted hanging around the cage yelling “YOU GO CREEEHHHZZEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!” You know, that weird Asian guy decked out like a 1980’s coke dealer. Master Chong, I believe his name was. Anyways, the guys talked EllisMania for a little while, possibly to draft more pro talent to randomly punch the unlucky volunteers who can’t put the bong down long enough to think it through before they sign the release forms at this glorious event. So, they talked more fighting and random stuff for a while, and that was all well and good. Then Tully suggested that TJ should hit the punch pad, and gods be damned, The Dilla to the mothafuckin Shaw got right up there with the best of them scoring a respectable 72, but then on the 4th try he put down an indisputable 84, taking 1st place over Jason on the wall of mother fuckers hitting the punch pad. Oh, and that Asian coke dealer MMA coach is named Master Thong, but with a hard T sound. After all that, the guys gave a fond farewell and cranked up some Rose Tattoo and regrouped for the next visitor.

So, if I haven’t said anything bad about the church today, strap yourselves in for this one. A youth ministry in Alabama put up a billboard to advertise their after school group and it contained the quote “He alone who owns the youth, gains the future” and the reason this quote is such a problem, is that it’s from Adolf Hitler. And the billboard clearly credits him, with a picture of five blond southern children. Now, it’s important to note, just for the sake of being historically accurate, that Hitler hated religion, so in his own time, he never would have endorsed a chuch using his material for advertising purpose. It’s also important to remember that Christ was Jewish, so quoting a guy that tried to have the jews exterminated is, to say the least, in poor taste. And of course, let us not forget that “Jesus” is not the new “YOLO” and that just cause you meant well doesn’t mean you’re not dumber than a bag of hammers and shouldn’t be allowed to leave your house without a permission slip, let alone get a job where you promote ideas to the public. That said, MADCHILD is in the house today, and as a fan of his work I could not be more excited. For those who don’t know some of the back story, Madchild grew up in Vancouver with David and Sluggo Boyce of the Red Dragons, so Jason got to know him when he lived up that way many years ago. Madchild gave a quick recap of his rise and fall with drugs and shitty friends, you know, the kind of thing that comes with being any kind of rising star in the music industry. He’s clean now though, and they don’t stop him at the border when he tries to come do a show in the US, which is awesome cause him and Swollen Members are a great time live. The guys bantered a bit in regards to Jason’s head tattoo and Madchild’s face tattoos, cause it’s worth really getting an answer to that question, so they called in the interns to judge it, and aside from the way that Madchild was dressed, all dapper and toned down and shit, it is probably a bit more frightening to talk to a guy with battleaxes on his cheek. In a nod to that horrible freestyle session from a few weeks ago, Jason tried to coerce the new interns, who are not yet named, who I shall now refer to as thing one and two, into a freestyle battle against Madchild and that was fucking atrocious, but not for Mad cause he kind of does this type of thing for a living. After watching thing one’s abortion slither down his leg, we heard from thing two and it was equally as traumatic as watching a pack of ferrets devour a senior citizen. Madchild sounded fairly amused with it, and then he got to make two grown men go get him a Red Bull, and that just feels great. Jason noticed that Madchild is a pretty fit mother fucker, and it turned to a line of questioning that both revealed that Mad can pull down just about any piece of tail he wants, and that he’s got all the fans to thank for the 10,000 mile snail trail he’s been sliming all the way across America and Canada. Somehow, this turned the conversation towards inducting Mad into Horse Force, where he would tote around a giant .357 Magnum like Dirty Harry and freestyle bitches into his apartment any time of day or night. Madchild was talking about the tour he’s taking on with Swollen at the moment and Tully couldn’t help but keep shooting radio interviewer eyes at him and Jason kept asking absurd questions that kept everything lighthearted and jocular. The guys talked massive orgies and lighting rednecks on fire at gas stations for a while, and the guys took a listen to the new single by Swollen Members called “cock blocker” and it was a real treat. Then the music dropped out and the mics were still hot (as far as I know, it sounded like an abrupt end and the crew were all mid sentence talking about Jason’s gold teeth) and that’s when Tully decided to throw down the gauntlet and challenge Madchold to fight him at EllisMania, and he respectfully lifted the gauntlet, filled it with Krystal and poured it on a stripper’s titties (which means he accepted). Ellis tried to get Mad to hit the punch pad, but he declined on the grounds that he may look fit, but one superfoord drink doesn;t counter a pack a day smoking habit. All that said though, it’s gonna be a fucking good show come october or september or whenever it happens. Jude stepped back in the studio real quick to give his two cents on the Madchild/Tully throwdown, and Jude was very clear in letting everybody know that Tully does not give a fraction of a fuck and will fuck shit up like O.J. got convicted twice. And if all that isn’t enough, Madchild actually will perform at EllisMania this time, not like last year when he got held up at the border and couldn’t make it to Vegas. The guys reveled in the glory of what is sure to be a fucking incredible weekend in just a few months, and also suggested having Dave and Sluggo Boyce fight eachother, which sounds like another epic match up, if only most of the fans could actually tell them apart in person (I’m looking at you Faceplant, yeah you). The guys took one more quick breather to firm up details and talk shit about eachother’s moms to really get the competitive juices flowing, and the fans all fangasmed all over each other on twitter for a few minutes.

In case you didn’t catch it, Jason was on HLN with Dr. Drew on Tuesday night. He got a little heads up on what some of the topics were going to be this time, like the Family Dollar employee who tried to mace a kid with Febreeze, but to be fair the kids were shoplifting and smoking while pregnant (my god, the banjos are deafening on this one). Tully and Ellis watched a video of this exchange and couldn’t help but notice that someone yelled out “WORLDSTAR!” which, in and of itself, just goes to show where society’s heading. It really boils down to the fact that fighting is bad, and it’s especially bad when one idiot makes it something that an otherwise intelligent person can’t get out of, but when two idiots fight there’s really no loss to the rest of the world. Tully and Ellis talked for a while about how scared Michael should be to fight Madchild, and how the only thing he has to fear is Will winning against Cumtard and having to watch some live avant garde gay porn. The guys discussed some more tactics for how to make a good appearance, like ranking all the female guests based on appearance. There was more news about shitty people being shitty, like a teacher harassing someone’s daughter over some flat out stupid shit. Or that guy who wanted to fight to the death with a court appointed officer over a parking ticket. There was some more discussion about the many ins and outs of this next EllisMania, like wheel of doom fight, and people having to battle rap and all sorts of shit like that. My god, it’s shaping up to be a fantastic event. There were final calls and stuff, and that went as expected. That is to say, a call screener could cleanup really nicely if that’s ALL they had to do there, instead of making the producers split the job while they’re already busy with other stuff. All that aside though, the fans have some fucked up ideas in terms of which male cartoon characters they would marry. Just look at the crowd though, it makes enough sense. J2 called in to remind everyone that it’s been 15 years since he was paralyzed by a spinal cord injury, but that kind of shit should only slow you down if you’re a massive vag. After all that was done, the final calls devolved into a bunch of guys talking cartoons and there was no one there to shut them up with pudding. But Tully had some good points about fucking Scrooge McDuck.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/27/14

Posted on May 28, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Holy fuck, they should make every weekend a three day weekend. I got so much masturba-…uh, housework done. It was just the free time I needed to soil two huge piles of clean clothes with my seme-…ummm, fold, I meant fold, not soil. I also was able to wash down my grimey ass stove with a layer of hot jizz. Not a typo. No corrections. I busted a can of spray on the stove. Welcome to Oakland, bitch. Anyways, it’s almost that magical time of the day when Faction stops letting shitty pop music get mixed in with their punk, metal and hip-hop, and Jason Ellis takes over to be all Australian and shit. Today’s show got started with talk about how having a huge cock should be something that people admire personally. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a big public thing, but if you happen to get into porn, well then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Dingo was in the studio today, being the Dingo, as he’s known to do. He was at some EDC thing in New York over the weekend and if I cared at all about techno music I would have paid attention. Jude also was hanging out today and the guys talked beards and haircuts and how some proper grooming can take years off of your face. Unless you go for the beard implants, then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Tully broke it all down as an equation of how long people are trying to stay in the cool game nowadays, and how they’re all trying too god damn hard and just cause you know how to make a martini with an egg doesn’t mean your saggy balls are worth anybody’s time. The guys listened to some audio of Dingo talking to Cullen about his attempt last week at doing interviews at Street League for the show and how the audio sucked and Jason was a little too harsh about it. Jason apologized, and explained that @shit_toboggan could see lots of the fans on twitter sounded pretty bored with the whole thing, so it maybe wasn’t as much of a success as he was hoping for. Jude made sure to tell Dingo not to suck so bad at interviewing people and to check his god damn sound levels like he’s got some fucking idea what he’s doing and maybe the second try will be a little better. All joking aside though, Ellis, Jude and Tully shared a few war stories of fucked up remote sessions of years past and how it’s not always the host’s fault. Jude once had a porn star taste test his semen on air and forgot to turn on the microphones, but luckily it was against the rules of radio so #Allegedly it didn’t happen. This made Ellis recant that time he tried drinking his piss to try and be like Leo Machida, and he went into great detail about the distinct tang and self loathing that human urine creates when ingested orally. Jason is still healing from his heart surgery last week. He went to take a piss the other day and his stomach was abnormally swollen and he had bruises all around where the doctors went in through his groin to do stuff to his ticker. Jude let us all know that he’s pretty much perfected his ass washing technique, just gotta get some Irish Spring and a washcloth and don’t let anybody know how deep you fist yourself with that washcloth cause it could jeopardize your career in the hip hop industry. The guys talked for a while about ways to market Junkie Piss Popsicles, and all the different ways you could cross promote other cheap last resort ways to get high, like Syzzurp-sicles. And before we get too far off topic, styrofoam really does hold in the cold better than plastic Solo cups. Tully decided to scroll through Dingo’s Instagram photos to see if they could guess who he knows that drinks a lot of syzzurp, and while Dingo wouldn’t necessarily sell them out, there were some guesses that would certainly be believable to the average man with a decent grasp on pop culture. This was a perfect segue for Jude and Dingo to criticize Jason’s nose and give suggestions on how he should fix his mangled honker. After some discussion of plastic surgery, Ellis started thinking that if hair implants don’t work, it may be time to start investing in wigs. Jude gave his two cents on how people who get laser hair removal around the giblets are probably doing the world a disservice when they get older cause that’s when people are more likely to be inspecting that whole area. But on the plus side, America has won the war against crabs. No, not the ones from New England, I mean the ones that crawl on your nuts and fuck up a perfectly good set of sheets while making you itch so god damn hard you’ll rip your scrotum off if it would just make the pain stop. Jude started getting hot and bothered talking about Princess Leia in her slave outfit at Jabba’s Palace, which is when Ellis broke the news that he’s gonna get a dungeon so that he can consensually sexually abuse people. Dingo completely misunderstood what Jason meant by dungeon and started imagining a place with outside access to order a pizza, DirecTV and an Xbox. Like an in-law cottage or something off the back of someone’s house. Jude remembers one time when he went to a BDSM bar and came across a lady who was unnaturally tall but it turns out she just had a guy who would follow her around and lay down for her to stand on everywhere she went. That said, foreallyshow.com and the new release of Hyena should be out in a few months, so get the fuck on it. Tully tried to drive around the city giving out burgers but all the homeless people were on vacation and also his wife shut him the fuck down. Also, he tried to give one to a gay prostitute but his wife didn’t want a gay Mexican hooker following them home begging for scraps. The guys took some calls and stuff. There was some talk about a Grenade/Wolfknives crossover product of some sort, then Dingo brought up a picture Katie put on Instagram of a fake penis tattoo on her foot that Kelly Osbourne saw. Somebody has been obsessively tweeting a petition to save the rhinos at Ellis and Dingo and the guys talked for a while about how stupid it is to drive an entire species out of existence just cause you think that rhino horn is gonna give you a stronger erection. The guys all aired out the massively overgrown pubes adorning their hippie vags and had an environmental awareness session to remind the human race that it really is our fault for everything, and it’s kind of true except for the few who try to make a difference. Tully found a news story about the guy who invented Soylent (which will surely cause him a lawsuit for plagiarizing the name of the famous Charlton Heston movie) and how it would be good for the world as a whole if more people could climb on board with the whole “drink all of your meals in a slightly semen-like concoction that an overworked programmer came up with because he couldn’t be bothered to go grocery shopping and cook properly” train. Fucking nutrients and shit. Remember when I mentioned Ellis’ swollen stomach? Well apparently he’s also had apocalyptic flatulence for the last few days. Chicken-egg, something like that, but all the same he’s a model rocket engine waiting for a light. While we all laugh to ourselves about other people’s intestinal disfunctions, let’s have some awesome world to remind us that heaven has naked bitches and chocolate everywhere and a pretty sweet ramp.

MOTO NEWS YA BEE-YIE-ITCH!!! Some guys rode some dirtbikes at Glen Helen over the weekend, and a good time was had by all. The guys talked about how much people in TV need to maybe give it a rest, like Oprah Winfrey and that god damn Lindsay Lohan show that really doesn’t give any important information or solve any problems or exist for any reason other than existing. Somebody sent in a sweet little RC car ramp for Jason to jump those cars that Ken Block gave him. In particular today, the ramps were used as a testing session for a future wheel of doom loser who would have to lie down the long way between the launch and landing and see if the cars could clear it. With Cumtard being the show’s whipping post for now and probably all time, he was the one to get in the hot seat to see if these miniature machines can fly as hard and far as they are assumed to be able to. After a few rough runs in practice, with coming up short and front flips and smashing the fuck out of Dingo’s knee and all kinds of other mishaps, Kevin finally got in place to make his attempt not to lose a testicle for the show, and in true tard fashion he decided to guard his face instead, but luckily for him the car got right over him with no great catastrophes. The guys talked for a bit about the UFC fights that happened this weekend and that one guy who kept fighting despite his ankle being shattered and not just kept fighting but KICKED SOME FUCKIN’ ASS!!! There was more MMA talk as there tends to be whenever the topic comes up. I went out for dinner last night and wound up watching a few minutes of MMA with some folks over outrageously overpriced burgers and a milkshake that ended up being more calories than I’m used to but absolutely delicious and satisfying at the same time. So there’s that, fighting and red meat. As much as I talk about leaving America, I did partake in two of our oldest pastimes. That said, the guys decided to take a break which was promptly derailed by malfunctioning equipment at SiriusXM in which they fucked up a Beatles song, and a bumper, and then a Machine Head song, but in the end it sorted itself out.

HAVE YOU BEEN TO HATEBEAN.COM?!?!?! It basically just links to the one HateBean shirt on Ellis’ website, but before that, you can read some incredible slack-jawed engrish that will surely put a smile on your face. Before you do that though, Doug Benson came by the studio to hang out for a while. They talked accents and how Jason can occasionally turn his off when he needs it and Dingo tried to be an American but it was like a New York Jew from the 23rd layer of hell. Jason told the story of how he was talking to a friend from the motherland and was really shook by just how Australian he was. Doug noticed that there was a box of kleenex, a bottle of purell, and a blu-ray copy of the Korean version of the movie Old Boy, and that brought up the question have you ever jerked off with purell? And if so, how bad does it sting? Dougs answer was yes, and I didn’t start smoking weed till 28 when I was a comic on the road. While Jason was cleaning up the shelf he couldn’t help but notice that there was other weird crap on their like nuts, dental floss, a timer, and all kinds of other chotchkies that apparently didn’t get the memo that there would be no chotchkies in the new studio. The guys talked for a bit about how purell is a steaming load of commercialist fear mongering and how WILSON needs to stop napping on the torture couch and get himself a real apartment, even though he’s never gonna be there cause he works 72 hours a day. The boys talked psychology and how it’s really stupid that there’s a guy who can give you a reference to the guy who’s gonna give you the actual treatment, and how the guy who gives you the treatment could at least pretend to be a little more interested in performing some sort of treatment on another person’s mental state so they don’t have sleepwalking murder episodes. A psychological professional called in to explain the difference between all the psychological professionals and what their different ranks mean and it made enough sense, aside from the fact that no one can figure out which one gets to say when you can stop dumping medication in your face. Doug got called out for being really friendly with the porn community, but still complaining that he’s not getting laid often enough, and he responded by demanding a lie detector test. Basically, he wants his blow jobs to have some feeling behind them, and not just a love of sucking dick or crystal meth or proving someone’s dad right. And fuck what you heard, comedians don’t have groupies. The group basically settled the whole matter by coming up with a game where Doug tears through a slew of hot ladies and the world holds up their hands for for him to high five at his leisure. And if that fails, Bonnie Rotten and Ronda Rousey get to fight for the Benson dick. Or maybe Doug can just plow through a whole bunch of his fans, cause they’re great people in his eyes and he loves hanging out with them, so if they happen to want to blow him, he’s pretty much got the pick of the litter. Doug told a few stories about getting kicked out of hotels for smoking weed in the rooms, and swimming with sharks, and how to cook up the best romantic getaway for him to share a bongload with the victor of the “Win Doug Benson’s Semen” death match that will almost surely be part of EllisMania 10. There was some talk about what celebrities would be best to invite onto Doug’s YouTube show “Getting Doug With High” and there have been some memorable ones, like David Cross and Eric Andre, but some of the suggestions floated were for the likes of Nick Swardson (who probably wouldn’t because he drinks too much to smoke weed) and Joe Rogan (who probably wouldn’t cause he tends to run his own performance more than anything else). The guys took a break so Doug could get some water and Cheetos, then came back with a game for Doug to join in with.

Don’t forget, unsigned bands still happens from time to time, and might be happening again soon, so send your shit in to submittoellis@gmail.com and you might get a week of unsolicited airplay between noon and 4PM on a satellite radio station. Someone sent in a burnout video of a guy who had purple smoke tires, which I have seen and they are a hilarious addition to any burnout video or drift compilation. I know Kumho Tire makes red, yellow, and blue, but I haven’t seen the purple ones. There’s a couple other companies that make them too, but only for select wheel sizes, so if you feel like adding to these YouTube sensations of rubber shredding destruction, order yourself a pair and fire up the go-pro. That said, IT’S TIME FOR ELLIS JEOPARDY!!! As is par for the course, it’s hilarious to hear a dyslexic Australian try to describe things for other people to figure out, especially when one of the people is a career pothead and another one is an Australian who always seems a bit off track with what’s going on in his immediate vicinity, unless it’s something radical. Frogs are lubey, Doug wants Bonnie Rotten to taste the golden spray, Tully is a pot smoker bordering on addict levels, Whitney Houston is still dead but was wasted like a mother fucker all the way, Dingo can’t keep his dick out of frogs, Chong is constantly cock-blocking Cheech, Yoda is more grey than green but still pretty green, XXX: State Of The Union would have been impossible cause Ice Cube doesn’t have the arm span to jump off a building and grab a helicopter, The Breakfast Club was a classic but it really did bomb for a good reason before it reached cult classic status, Jaws really didn’t need any sequels but when has that ever stopped Hollywood from letting them happen, Bill Murray has jungle fever, and there were no final calls cause Tony Hawk was live and Jeopardy took the whole final hour. Now go stick it so far up your ass you can blow your nose with it.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/6/14

Posted on May 6, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Holy fuck, I was so wrapped up in giving the show ideas for the wheel of doom, I almost forgot it was my day to shit all over the keyboard and call it art… I mean, RECAP THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!!! Hey dude-bros and chick-bitches, how’s it goin’? Good? Shut up, I don’t care, cause it’s time for the Wing to break us off some good times to enjoy our respective lunches/drives home to. The show started with a new sound drop from the movie Red Dragon, cause it just needs to be. Also Jude was in studio, and since that’s never a bad time, well then good on ya. The guys talked movies for a quick minute, mostly cause Jude didn’t know about Red Dragon and all the sequels/prequels of the silence of the lambs franchise. Jason wondered if Jodie Foster is one of those lesbians that goes all natural or if she shaves her ass hair, and after some discussion, it was determined that she probably keeps it as clean as all of Southern California. Jude has a habit of dunking ladies faces in his armpit when he’s plowing them so that they get a good whiff of pheremones and remember the experience the next time they cum. Also, Italian guys have been known to wipe a handkerchief under their balls then wear it in their front pocket, as a way of attracting the opposite (or same, cause y’know, Europe) sex. It all revolves around making sure you know how to approach the subject of stank with your loved ones. Some people can take a little constructive criticism, but other people need to be told that you can’t afford to reupholster the couch every time you guys have company just so you’ll stop getting letters from the city about the biohazard living under your roof. This brought the conversation aroound to how everybody’s balls have a different scent, very similar to that of hairless cats, but just as unique as every snowflake. But it could never trump the theoretical horrors that could be lurking in every vagina. Jude told some stories about ladies that he banged, and I kind of missed most of it cause there was pizza in front of me that I had to start processing into poo, but there was banter and it was good. This all stopped for a minute when Tully announced that one of his wife’s friends listens to the show, so let’s keep it clean and not bring up vaginal disgustingness. But fuck all that, cause before Jude runs off, it’s time for Ellis Jeopardy! And some apologies from Jude to Cumtard for staring deep into his girlfriend’s holes on his show yesterday, he didn’t realize it was already claimed. That said, the guys got jeopardy underway and it was hilarious as always cause of Jason’s odd, disjointed descriptions of things, and the hilarious buzzers that each of the contestants get. Jude won, surprisingly enough, but that didn’t deflect from the guys talking about Cumtard’s girlfriend and the Foreally show, which I have listened to every episode of and it is fucking hilarious. The guys talked for a bit about holistic healers and animal whisperers and I can just bisect all of this and tell you that I was hanging out drinking with a “psychic” while she was off the clock, and she admitted that it really is a load of shit. Jason keeps having problems with his Porsche picking up nails in the tires and Porsche trying to sell him new tires like he’s got liquid rubber spilling out of his dick. Let’s all stew on that mental image and listen to a little target practice.

So, have you ever taken your kids to the circus? I went years ago, but that’s back when the animals got legitimately beaten and they didn’t have all these obnoxious French people doing synchronized trapeze or some shit. But anyways, the reason this was brought up is because Tully found a video of a bunch of acrobats basically getting dick slapped by Jesus from high up on top of the American Flag while he was polishing off a Big Mac. That’s what you get for doing away with the bearded lady shooting ping pong balls out of her vag. Jason and Tully talked for a while about the best look for a bearded lady, which got a little too complicated for a whole bunch of talk about someone you’re not gonna be trying to wife up. Jason was checking out a house that he might be buying, and him and Katie noticed that the real estate agent had the most ridonkulous booty that either of them had ever seen on such a short, skinny lady. Jason started talking about a movie he saw about some guy who started a cult and got all his followers to commit suicide, much like Jonestown. This prompted the guys to start talking about how to make a really bitchin’ cult that wouldn’t necessarily have to be all about killing yourself or cutting your nuts off so the head of it will let you stay married to your significant other. The guys took some phone calls about cults and how they’re really fucked up and you should avoid them at all costs, especially the ones with lots of members…like Christianity. And then there was some talk about post WW2 economic prosperity and pimps and the later parts of the industrial revolution, it was kind of hard to string together cause work was really slow and that pizza had me falling asleep at my desk (hey, it takes a lot of energy to turn pizza into poo). But it all came around to how the baby boomers were the first generation to be just entitled enough to think they had it made by not conforming and it was a colossal failure cause hippies are stupid, and the next generation which brought punk rock with it were kind of the same, only a lot more nihilistic and anti-everything than pro-everything. Hardcore didn’t like that analogy, and I think Tully might be missing a certain amount of historical context of some of those things, but he brought it all together with the talk they were having about cults and how it’s basically people who have it pretty good who now have the free time to try new shit and cults are just big groups of people on the same wavelength at the same time. Namely, that they should become eunuchs and sell their children for sex to their benevolent leader and then partake in a mass suicide to secure their place on the ass end of an intergalactic semen. However, there’s money and sweet ass orgies to be had in a cult, so Jason and Tully kicked around the idea of starting their own, complete with pole dancing and any kind of wheeled machine that runs on nitromethane that is available for public purchase. There were some phone calls about cults and people who know cult members and such, and it sounds like cults are fucking shitty. Except for all those guys who were walking around with rolls of quarters in their socks, getting ready to go all Charles Bronson on some fuckin’ aliens and joyride a space ship all the way to your anus (not a typo). There were some more phone calls about cults, and Jason is very happy with some beanie that Tully had made for him that sticks to his head like a fresh sheet of grip tape when he hasn’t shaved his dome for a few days. Long story short, let’s just pray to Monster Energy and go skate and destroy. It seems like a much simpler happier way to live. We’ll even let the longboard guys come hang out, cause shredding a pool isn’t for everybody, some people just gotta bomb hills, and there doesn’t have to be any malice between them. Tully floated the idea for a new reality show that would pit the best of the best of your hillbilly militias versus an army special forces unit and see who can win a full force game of paintball. Jason played some bizarre sound effect he had found on YouTube as a way to try and get callers to guess so they could win some free shit, and I can only describe this sound as something similar to your average cartoon vulture fucking your average cartoon elephant, but in fact it was two lynx talking to eachother. Who knew? So, with that out of the way, the guys got back to talking about kicking a bitch in the cunt, in the form of song, and we all took a few minutes to collect ourselves for what would be next.

The guys came back and decided it would be a good idea tp introduce themselves properly and respectfully to the newest subscribers of faction, and they did so by playing audio of Jim Jones preaching to his congregation of insane followers. Let’s just say, if it was in German, it would have sounded really similar to another guy from sometime in, oh, I don’t know, the 1930s. Luckily Charles Manson never had that particular silver tongue, he just had to invite people over for orgies with chicks who had crazy STD’s, which in it’s own way is probably the single greatest weapon ever developed. It would seriously minimize a lot of civilian deaths and debilitate a population. Cumtard bought balloons for his girlfriend, so the guys had to take a few minutes to discuss how this is probably the most dateable he’s ever gonna be, so he better make the best of it and get all he can out of the lady he’s smashing right now. Cumtard shat in the hat (poet and I didn’t know it) to get his sample off to the doctor so that they could figure out what the fuck is wrong with him, other than the fact that he’s in his thirties and still watches the original Ninja Turtles and poops in a plastic fireman’s hat to send it to a doctor because he has diarrhea for weeks at a time. The guys couldn’t help but talk about feces for a while after this, cause you really can make all the jokes in the world somehow come back to the topic of bodily waste. In the midst of this, it was discovered that someone rearranged the buttons and the Cumtard butt-chugging buttons were removed, for no clear reason at all, and a witch hunt would need to be performed to find them. In honor of Kevin making his first solid horse chips in several weeks, the guys decided to make him put on a shock collar and huff a bunch of helium to produce some interesting new screams. He also sang his signature tune “AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH FUCK!!!!! Sk8r BoiAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! AAAAHHHHHOOOOOOWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!” and the townspeople rejoiced. He also did a pretty awesome rendition of “Mother” by Danzig, and the guys put it in the works to have “electric helium guy” be a permanent contestant on the dating game, should they ever decide to do it again. Then Cumtard did an electric helium rendition of “Hits from the bong” by Cypress Hill, and if B-Real heard it, he would laugh, and then probably kick him in the dick just one time, on principle. Like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the guys put out a call for suggestions for new things to put on the wheel of doom, and they discussed some of the better suggestions, like getting a “YOLO” tattoo in henna somewhere really visible, like the forehead. There was also drinking coffee that was made with Cumtard’s underwear as a filter, chewing a flavored condom and blowing a bubble, eat anchovies while listening to Bon Jovi, make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with your dick then eat it, get blindfolded and try to ID everyone’s feet by their own particular stank, memorize the lyrics to a Coldplay song then sing it, Bengay your armpits, toilet spelunking, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause the guys have stuff to do, like MMA news! Junior Dos Santos fucked up his hand and won’t be able to fight in his next bout, so the main event just got a lot lamer for whatever was gonna be happening in Brazil. There was some more drama about this event from the previous main event between Chael Sonnen and Wanderlei Silva, but it’s kind of up in the air what all the details are, so we’ll just skip that until all the facts come in. Plus, I wasn’t paying that close attention and may have gotten one or more of those names wrong. There was more talk about The Ultimate Fighter and whether or not they may be in China, or Brazil, and whether Chung Li or Blanka may be competing in the next season. In better news though, Vitor Belfort is gonna replace testosterone therapy with prayer, cause really, when has that not ever solved any of the world’s problems? The guys kicked around the idea for a cheater league of MMA fighters that would all be on TRT or roids or crystal meth, and I think that would be awesome, like bumfights but it’s people with money. They talked boxing for a while too, cause there was that Mayweather fight this weekend, and that was apparently a big deal to a lot of folks. The guys watched a video of what allegedly happened to Wanderlei Silva in Brazil that might have caused his back injury that took him out of that one fight, and from the outside looking in, I could certainly believe that it’s a lot of drama I wouldn’t want to be a part of.

SCIENCE!!! It keeps telling us important shit that some people refuse to believe, because they don’t grasp the concept that just because they don’t like something doesn’t mean that it’s not an absolute proven fact. But in this particular case, what science has found is that there’s an insect where the lady has a penis and the man has a vagina, and they moved to the Castro District of San Francisco and opened a really gay donut shop that has great krullers, but you will have to try and evade a guy in short shorts and roller skates trying to get your number. This brought up the question of what if this was the way it was all across humanity, and it might be cool for a “Freaky Friday” kind of movie, but it would probably get old, or weird, in a relatively short amount of time, cause if there’s one thing Craigslist has taught me, it’s that people are getting really restless when it comes to new things to try sexually. Of course, the question had to come up, what would porn be like if the organs were reversed? Would guys want to see ladies with 19 inch inverted uteri? Or would we want something a little more reasonable, like ladies generally do? And would guys get PMS? Would we lose the ability to parallel park and get ready to leave the house in five minutes or less? What about that whole “$0.70 on the dollar” thing that’s been keeping me from starving to death for the last 12 years? Would the “Women, Am I Right?” segment all of a sudden become way less interesting cause guys are the ones flipping out and throwing shovels at people? Would “The View” turn from a morning stitch and bitch into a sensible news program? WOULD THE WORD BITCH STILL RETAIN IT’S WONDERFUL ENTERTAINING DEFINITION IN THE MIRRIAM-WEBSTER ENGLISH DICTIONARY?!?!!?!!?! Tully is definitely more concerned about this than anybody, cause Linsanity has recently started having bad dreams and being scared of the dark, to which I would advise him to play Iron Maiden’s “Fear Of The Dark” over and over and over until Linsanity learns to enjoy the darkness, cause it’s necessary for Satanic rituals and criminal activity. Some parents got ornery with a flight attendant cause she was trying to get their daughter, who was getting pounded out in the bathroom, to calm down cause other people couldn’t hear the in flight safety instructions. But hey, what would have happened if she was the one with the dick smashing out some guys man-vag? WOULD THE PARENTS HAVE EVEN GOTTEN INVOLVED?!?!?!?! IT AIN’T THEIR DAUGHTER GETTING BROKE OPEN IN AN AIRPLANE LAVATORY!!! It’s a question that we’ll probably never get an answer to. The guys talked about the new cast of Star Wars for a bit, and how Yoda may have been a supreme Jedi master, but the force couldn’t fix his legs, so maybe it’s not as all powerful as James Earl Jones would like us to believe. The guys were gonna try and skype with some folks, but skype is a dishonest cunt and the production budget of the Jason Ellis Show can’t be stretched far enough to have a permanent IT guy. There were some final calls and stuff, and with Hardcore on the phones, we were able to weed out a lot of the shit that would normally get through and make Jason want to rip the phone out of the wall. Don’t forget, if you want to be in the biggest loser fight at EM10, you’re running out of time to become a big fat fuck and then lose the weight, so get on a philly cheese steak milk shake and start using lard in your morning coffee.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/25/14

Posted on March 25, 2014 by shit_toboggan

It’s another one of those wonderful days where somehow I am the center of everyone’s universe and they all have way fewer problems than they think but they still won’t take responsibility for any of them and there’s this mysterious liquid that may or may not be rain falling from the sky and the fax machine is a cunt and so is your mum and the system continues to fuck us all in the ass just a little bit harder with a handful of rusty brake shavings as lube, but all of that means nothing cause it’s almost lunch time and the Jason Ellis show is on! And it started with some lovely music for destruction and mayhem, the mighty Machine Head! Who I enjoy just as much as Tony Sly and the late great Oderus Urungus! #YeahThatsAStabAtYouEmilyButItsAllInGoodFun Anyways, the show today got underway with Jason telling us all how it’s just ridiculous that there isn’t a gaggle of ladies lined up to provide some good clean audio for the current “chicks with kettle bells sounding like they might be enjoying some dick” intro the show has been using for the last couple months. I was finishing off a sandwhich, so I missed the finer points of this conversation, but there was some talk about cleaning your asshole and WILSON was brought into the studio to once again be outed for being incredibly creepy around anything with tits and a naughty vag. If you were at the book signing this past weekend at the new San Diego Harley Davidson dealership, you probably met Tiger and Devin and contributed to their best weekend ever, as they told Andrea they had. While we’re on the topic of Jason’s kids, Tully got to thinking of how he would feel if someone tried to buy Linsanity for a billion dollars. Admittedly, he would consider it, but would always say no. But he’ll hear your offers. But always say no. But he won’t turn you away at the door. Just sayin’ folks. If you want a McGook baby, there’s a guy who will entertain offers. Somehow WILSON went way to far and brought the conversation around to shitting on children or porn stars, and it all just fell apart after that. With all that done though, the guys let everyone know that you can leave video messages on Skype for the talent show on Friday, or read the lines for the intro and maybe get immortalized on radio for twenty seconds once a day for a couple weeks. Jude stopped by to let the guys know that a billion dollars is a great offer cause in other parts of the word your parents could trade you off for a goat or a basket of seeds or some shit. Jude did some reminiscing on his days at the Jenny Jones show when they had an episode called “too fat to wear that” and another time when a lady claimed she had a third nipple but then got caught in a lie and the producers sent her ass home on a Greyhound and told her not to come back. Jason got to sit in between tapings of Good Day LA and there was some talk show where a 14 year old girl with a ridiculous underbite got pregnant and was yelling at her parents or some such shit like that which was probably sensational afternoon TV for the stay at home absentee parent in all of us. Jude recalled all the times when the Jenny Jones crew went out to recruit guests and they would redecorate people’s houses and give them dental work and shit just to try and make them more like the everyman rather than the link that refuses to stay missing. Jason retold a story about when he was in Panama and somebody told him that whenever a rich guy builds a nice house, the locals would steal all the drywall, faucets and wiring out of the place before anybody had a chance to move in. Just goes to show you, in the third world, wealth isn’t celebrated quite the same way as it is here, and the movies are all probably correct in the way they portray it, like in Fast and Furious 5! That’s right folks, Vin Diesel will steal your shit in a stolen, modified police version Dodge Charger if your bank account gets too big for your britches. Jude almost got in a fight at the movie theater during the Wolf of Wall Street, but had to dial it back cause it was Christmas morning and he was with his mom, but shit wouldn’t have rolled like that if the situation was different. Seriously folks, Jude’s mom can’t be around to keep him from stomping on your throat all the time, learn how to turn your phone off. The guys all talked for a while about the military industrial complex and how some people are prewired to go off and kill shit, but you can’t complain if you signed up for it and now the VA isn’t doing anything for you. Come on, we all know a belligerent homeless ‘Nam vet, what the fuck else can you expect? Springsteen wrote a song called “Born in the USA”, ever wonder what that shit’s about? Just sayin, you’re never gonna grow up to be the next Jonah Hill if you get your legs blown off for the Bush family to make a slightly better markup on crude oil. The guys talked a bit about imaginary friends and how they’re not always gonna bring up repressed memories that you should know abut, sometimes they’re just gonna put a bug in your ear to go all “Son Of Sam” around the streets of New York. Jude talked for a while about how fast food workers really do hate you as much as they hate showing up to work at their soul crushing minimum wage anti-potential jobs everyday. Bah-dant-dant-DANT-DANT!!! I’m resigned to failure! Great new jingle, McDonalds, now fucking pay me already. Ain’t like I don’t have a 4 pound tumor of undigested fries wedged against my pancreas from all the years I was a delivery driver and ate that crap all the time. The guys dissected the fizzled career of the girl from that movie “Just One Of The Guys” and it’s pretty clear that if she’s not a lesbian, she’s at least gotta be an alcoholic by now, cause the wall has certainly been hit by that woman and her job. Don’t forget to check out Jude on the Foreally show, and also boycott his show so that he can get a better job on a different station. Or not, everything doesn’t need to be a “cause” to start making drama about.

So, have you ever seen a white guy in blackface? How about a black guy in whiteface? Now, I’ve seen Birth of a Nation (it was for a film studies class in high school, relax), but Nick Cannon has recently put out an album called “white people party music” and one of the publicity photos he made for it is himself in whiteface. Now, blackface is bad because it was used to perpetuate stereotypes and as a tool for propaganda, since no one would ever hire a black person for any purpose at all back in the day and it only made since to rub charcoal all over some honky’s face and make him do the jitterbug, however us cracka’ ass cracka’s can’t really get too offended at whiteface cause we enslaved an entire race of people for 400 years and then perpetuated a government system which continues to bar them from real opportunities even to this day, so when somebody hashtags #GoodCredit #CreamCheese, I’m honestly not offended. Nobody gave Dave Chappelle any shit for all the times he put on whiteface for characters on The Chappelle show. Remember folks, there’s racism that’s all in good fun, and then there’s cultural subjugation, and the two are very different and it’s worth learning a thing or two about history and the people you’re making jokes to if you’re gonna say certain things that might cause a rift with your audience. As far as Nick Cannon goes, I could honestly give a fuck what that guy does, I’ve never really liked any of his work, so if MTV2 ever runs out of reruns of Wild’n Out to cram into a Saturday afternoon, it’s not gonna hurt my couch potatoing for a god damn second. Besides, not all white people have good credit. I can’t even get a fucking Discover card, and I’ve never had one red cent of credit or debt to my name and I’ve been a taxpayer with an uninterrupted full time job for almost 15 years, so suck it, Cannon. Butt fuck all that shit, cause it’s time for another amazing round of TARD THAT TUNE!!! AKA THE BEST GOD DAMN SET OF RINGTONES THAT I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO DOWNLOAD OFF OF SOUNDCLOUD WHENEVER HARDCORE GETS OFF HIS ASS AND UPLOADS IT!!! OR MAYBE IT’S JETTA’S JOB, I’M NOT REALLY SURE!!! MAYBE TULLY SQUEEZES IT IN BETWEEN TRAIN TRACK PLAYTIME WITH LINSANITY WHEN HE’S NOT TAKING BIDS ON OWNERSHIP OF HIS OFFSPRING!!! Much like the last time, I can’t possibly relate the awesomeness of this segment in words, but I can give you track list of everything that got tarded this week, and the list is as follows:

The B52’s – Rock Lobster

ZZ Top – La Grange

Daniel Powter – Bad Day (I had almost forgotten this song existed and was quite happy about that, thanks and go fuck yourself, Kevin!!!)

Alice In Chains – The Rooster

C&C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat

Dire Straits – Money For Nothing

Gary Numan – Cars

Snap – Rhythm Is A Dancer

Rod Stewart – Young Hearts

Tears For Fears – Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Steppenwolf – Magic Carpet Ride

And finally, for absolutely no good reason at all, the theme song from Sanford and Son

While the rest of us started plotting Kevin’s murder for bringing back so many musical atrocities that should have stayed buried in the sands of time, the guys put the call out for the audience to call in for a new segment called “What’s wrong with you?” in which you can presumably call in and let the listening audience know about all your issues, physical, psychological, sexual, dietary, whatever may be really wrong with you. Tully, for example, can hold a grudge from beyond the grave, even if you forget that you ever met him. Will, on the other hand, is a treasure trove of neuroses and imperfections, so after a break, let’s dig into him for a bit.

Pat Barry is no longer fighting in the UFC, but he has taken it upon himself to become a vigilante firefighter/nightclub bouncer. But nevermind that, WILSON is a sloppy fucking hemorrhoid stain on the taint region of humanity’s tighty whiteys, and the guys took some time to explore that, as well as ask the callers their opinions on WILSON and themselves. The first caller was a guy who is a self proclaimed nymphomaniac who saw some shit in the Navy that would turn an average mother fucker white, and not that Nick Cannon white, I’m talking Ghostbusters 2 white. Next guy called in to let the guys know that there’s a local radio station in Toronto that does this same bit, and also that he fucks his own belly button. After that was a guy who has horrible self esteem and tries way too hard to please all his family and friends, and they’re not doing a whole lot to try and stop him, like a pack of good little codependents and enablers. Next guy called in to tell the story of one time when he got in a brawl with his dad and fucked him up like a gang territory fight, but he kind of asked for it by being such a shitty abusive dad. Another guy caught his wife sexting his neighbor, so he went out to the strip club and tossed a dancer’s salad for a cool minute and will probably do it again cause the relationship is pretty much over. Next guy who called in said too many people fall in love with him, which wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t a smooth sensual Latin mother fucker. I understand, Manny, I understand, you’re from central/south America, you’re a desirable commodity. After the guys scared off Manny with their unwelcome advances, a guy called in to tell the guys that his wife got him a doll a few years back to help with his depression, he’s now gone completely apeshit and owns over 300 dolls, complete with tea parties and makeovers and all the shit that might be done with them by a five year old girl, and here’s the kicker, x-rated doll photo sessions. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, guys, you’re probably not as fucked up as you think. Next caller was short, fat, bald and lived in his parent’s basement. Maybe not the doll guy, but certainly worth a segment called “What’s Wrong With You?” After that poor bastard was a guy who admittedly has a really small penis when it’s flaccid, but after the guys found out it’s slightly above average when hard the guys let him know to use it more often and stop complaining about problems that he doesn’t actually have. Next up was a 22 year old guy who doesn’t have a driver’s license, and not cause of the environment or living in the city, but just cause he’s afraid of driving. Go karts, dude, go karts. You’ll be fine. NEXT CALLER moved to Florida to be with a chick, only to get sick of her and move back to be with his first lady, and now he’s getting sick of her, and it’s been like this for a long ass time. He’s just a guy who’s in love with falling in love, much like The Mowgli’s, who I’m sure would be happy to drag him along on their next tour cause they really are some of the friendliest guys ever. Next guy called to ask if it was OK that his wife asked him to piss inside her vag while they were fucking, and while it may not be dangerous per se, it is still weird as all fuck. Next one down the line was a guy who hallucinates monsters all the time, basically anything in his peripheral vision turns into some sort of creature from beyond. Next guy called in to say that he just can’t get off without a well placed finger in the ass, and it’s causing some problems trying to keep a long term relationship. Then we heard from a guy who is a self proclaimed judgmental asshole, kind of like me, a total nice guy who just hates a massive percentage of the population. Another person called in to let the guys know that he’s basically skirting the line between being a transvestite and getting some gender reassignment procedures underway. This call culminated in Tully inventing the “dick-clit”, a sexual move for everyone who wants to know what it would be like to have lesbian sex, sort of. The next caller keeps loaning money to his relatives, and they can’t stop asking for it wither. Next one on the phone says that every time he moves in to a new apartment, he get’s a visit from the Gordon’s fish stick mascot. Just one time, not like a haunting, but it always happens just one time per new residence. Tully had a similar experience, every so often Aunt Jemima appears masturbating at the foot of his bed. Mmmmm pancakes. Next up was a guy who said he’s just never happy, so the guys recommended he follow WILSON on Instagram and learn how to appreciate what he’s got. The guys decided to quit while they were ahead at this point, cause the fans are obviously more fucked up than they have time to get through in one afternoon.

So tomorrow Juliana Pena is coming back on the show, so if you liked hearing her last time, get ready for another hit off that glass dick of female MMA fighters. Tully found some new music from Corey Feldman, and if “Ascension Millennium” didn’t satisfy your boner for absolute shite that a washed up child star is only cranking out to desperately cling to fame now that his hetero life mate died from a drug overdose, well the new video and the song that goes with it is an equal if not greater example of how some people really need to fuck off into obscurity like the kid that played Anakin Skywalker in the first Star Wars prequel. It’s fair to note that he’s essentially fellating the essence directly from Michael Jackson’s corpse to try and add some style and class to this song, however that kid with cancer who took him to court for sexual assault seems to have gotten it all (ever notice how weak that cancer got the longer that court case went on? Just sayin, folks…). The guys discussed for a while whether or not Corey’s Angels are hanging out voluntarily or if they’re victims of the international sex trade, or if he is possibly the ringleader in some sort of “have hot bitches hanging around to boost your self esteem” type of business. A former roommate of one of Corey’s Angels called in to give the guys a little info on the whole thing, apparently it actually is some real live polyamorous shit going down at the Feldman house, so I guess the joke’s on all of us. Or not, I don’t need 8 ladies PMSing around me all the time and having a Feldman haircut sounds like a god damn nightmare, and from the outside looking in it still looks like a pretty crazy relationship between two or more crazy fucking people. Another guy called in to tell the guys about when his band opened for Corey at some show and it was some of the most ridiculous shit ever and now Tully has volunteered Death!Death!Die! to do a show with him. Tully also found a new track from Metallica that they did for a Dio tribute album, and much like their track “Mercyful Fate” which was several Mercyful Fate covers all strung together, they’ve pretty much done it again in the same vein, only this time in tribute to the Holy Diver himself, the late great RJD. The guys discussed Metallica for a bit and how most bands who’ve been at it as long as they have probably isn’t gonna pound out all the same style and energy of stuff that drove them to stardom in the first place. There were some final calls and stuff, and it wasn’t the same kind of absolute shit that it has been in the past, so good for the audience for beating back the throngs of listener idiocy that drives our dear friend Jetta crazy every single day. The power of Odin and Corey Feldmen compels me, and may the Flying Spaghetti Monster be with you all.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Rude Jude

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/10/14

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/3/14

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/27/14

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/6/14

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/25/14