Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/29/14

Posted on July 29, 2014 by shit_toboggan

So, Sunday night I went out to a show and got a burrito before it started and for the last three days I’ve been feeling like it’s gonna pass through me like a log flume the second I try to let out a fart. It’s almost getting painful. Like Jesus having explosive diarrhea on Adolf Hitler’s face painful. But that’s not important right now, cause I’m about to go get some Indian food and hunker down at my desk to write this Jason Ellis show recap for you! Today got rolling with Jason talking about being smooth and well lubricated,cause apparently machinery has a lot of similarities to gay erotica. The real point of the whole rant was that you’ve gotta stay moisturized so the man can’t get his mitts on you and fuck up your shit, or it’s better to stay lubed cause if someone’s gonna be fucking someone where they shit, one of the worst possible outcomes is anal tearing. Jude was in studio to cosign that, and ask what the hell Ellis is talking about with his new homemade coffee/coconut body wash. Apparently Katie’s friend makes it just for herself but decided to pass a bottle along to Ellis and company and he’s fallen in love with it like Michelle Bachmann’s husband loves cock. Jude talked about once when he got a Brazilian and the butthole was the least painful part of it, but the pain around the scrotum was worth it, cause the ladies love sucking a fresh clean dick. The guys talked a while about injuries and paramedics, and I guess in Australia, when you get picked up by an ambulance, they give you a heroin inhaler so you’ll stop being such a sick cunt and be a little more pliable. Sometime over the weekend which I must have missed, Ellis decided to give his phone number out to a bunch of fans and then laid drunk in a hammock taking phone calls from random folks just for the entertainment value of it. Tully lost a foot race to Tiger Ellis over the weekend, and totally by accident because Tully just went to take the baby for a walk so he wouldn’t shit in the house, and lo and behold the Ellis troupe were at the same park that Michael ended up at. The guys talked for a while about YouTube videos about babies getting shit whipped and walking away from it with no injuries. Jude had that happening in his neighborhood when he was growing up, pre-YouTube, where there was a white trash kid who was still in pampers but would jump off the roof of a moving car or get tossed off the back of his brother’s BMX just cause and not one god damn time did he ever land it but nobody got taken to the hospital. Jude floated the idea to Ellis to get Al Sharpton in studio while getting his balls and asshole waxed, but since he’s kinda hard to schedule for things like that, Jason decided porn stars may be easier to make happen. They also thought about doing cock-waxing-karaoke, which could be entertaining but remains to be seen until they actually pull the trigger and do it. Finally, the guys settled on the idea of reading Jayden Smith tweets with that one evil meowing Cumtard bed playing in the background and getting one’s dick waxed all together would be the most entertaining combination. The guys took a few calls on side jobs to pull while you’re getting aggressively manscaped, but none of them were too noteworthy. Tully has been working his way through all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old movies and somehow happened to stumble upon a workout album he did back in 1983, and there were a couple of sound bites that really sounded like the opening to gay porn, especially when Arnold is explaining proper workout technique with “It’s Raining Men” playing in the background. Coming back to the topic of pubes, somebody (who was actually me) sent Tully an article which posed the question, is it OK to use one of those communal hot air dryers at the gym to blow dry your pubes? Generally, the guys said it isn’t that big a deal, it just depends how much sexual gratification you’re achieving from the act, and how blatantly you’re advertising what you’re doing. The guys talked for a while about motion lotion and how the silicon stuff is great for straight jacking off, but it can dissolve certain kinds of sex toys, and how the THC lube is about as pointless as trying to use it for it’s intended purpose on Margaret Thatcher. If you haven’t got the news yet, presales for Jude’s book Hyean (the new and improved version, with more stories and nearly limitless production) are available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, SO FUCKING GET ONE!!! Jude and Ellis were also discussing show ideas for the hypothetical future Jason Ellis channel and Jude wants to incorporate the best parts of the Foreally Show episodes when Shoebox stops by for a regular gig. Jude had to go do his regular-not-sure-if-it’s-permanent-job and Jason needed a riff to compel him, so we got some Dyer’s Eve and I’m gonna need a few minutes to fix the desk and the window I just smashed.

Jason got a call from the guys at Globe Shoes, which couldn’t have been timed better cause Tully has conceded the fact that he can’t be trusted to pick his own wardrobe and as long as the pussy is still available, his wife is the one in charge, and Jason has some shoes that she would approve of although Michael would never pick them himself. Ellis has noticed that Katie is a pretty respectable influence on his style, but sometimes even she needs to tone it down or else he’ll be strolling around in Louboutin boots and wolf leggings with a Flavor-Flav style necklace, not necessarily a clock, but something of that nature. Tully is also looking at a new car sometime soon and wants to buy the douchiest thing practical for him to drive. But that’s secondary, cause I could go on forever, but Tully found more important things on the internet in the form of a YouTube channel called “kids react” in which some parent who’s not a vicarious fame whore, volunteers to have someone film their kids’ reactions to learning about current events and causes. First one we saw, was kids watching a video of two guys getting engeaged and some of the kids seemed like they just didn’t know what to think and the rest just basically didn’t seem to care cause children are usually considered pre-sexual beings and shouldn’t have a hell of a lot of an opinion about these kinds of things. Next up though, was two ladies getting engaged and again, it was pretty much the same reaction, just way better looking cause dudes are scummy and ladies are just fantastic. Then there were the kids watching actual videos of people getting married cause I guess it’s illegal or morally reprehensible to show them people committing suicide, even though it’s the exact same god damn thing. One kid they were watching though had really evil Satanic eyebrows, and they could tell from watching it that he would someday be arrested for attempting to perpetrate a fag-drag somewhere not far from a reasonably progressive city where the police actually do their jobs. There was small hope though when the interviewer asked if he thought people were born gay and he admitted it could be possible, so as long as Ken Ham doesn’t get his bullshit pointed anywhere close to this kid, he could turn out OK. This got the guys on the topic of being a good role model to your kids and not teaching them offensive shit like “Carlos Santana is the only contribution Puerto Ricans have ever made to society” and shit like that. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Oh, fuck me. Freddie Prinz Jr., the son of an actual actor by the same name, was on the show 24 with Kiefer Sutherland and has come forward to say that Kiefer is the least professional mother fucker in show business and a complete asshole outside of the business. Pretty much everyone else has said he’s full of shit, but since it was bad enough for him that he almost quit showbiz entirely, I’ll take that as meaning that “Boys And Girls” hasn’t had the residual pay he was hoping for and 24 didn’t solve any of the residual problems caused by it. DMX went on a roller coaster and got as DMX as he could get without smoking crack on webcam in front of his fans. THERE’S GONNA BE A NEW MAD MAX MOVIE!!! And the guys watched the trailer for it, and it includes Mel Gibson’s classic black 1974 Ford Falcon GTA (Australian Model) and of course a million other fucked of rat rods which will be inexplicably driving around in big block V8’s while complaining about the scarcity of gasoline. Jason Staham used to be a competitive high diver, back when he had hair and Guy Ritchie wasn’t an accomplished director. And Lil’ Wayne has started his own professional sports agency, with no clear goal or specific sport they manage/partake in, but he’s doing it all the same. Hollywood isn’t making any money this summer, probably cause we get more exposure to it than we want from shithead paparazzi than we do from the actual content they produce, the quality of which has been in sharp decline in recent years. The guys discussed the long term failings of Hollywood by giving a quick, spoiler session of The Expendables and as much as I appreciate the intent of that franchise, I think it’s safe to say that the shark has been jumped. Somehow, all this talk of The Expendables and the new Mad Max got Jason to the task of recapping the plot of one of the Lethal Weapon movies, and I’m not sure how that all ties together, but I guess it makes sense when you’re not surrounded by ringing phones and loud machinery that can occasionally drown out the point of a conversation. Tracy Morgan is still recovering from that bus crash last month, but he’s not dying and his lawyers are taking WalMart to the fucking cleaners, so maybe the legal system will come through for a black man with money in a positive way for a change, not like that one washed up football player serial killer guy, you know, Fruit Juice, or whatever his name was. The guys took a break after all that to get ready for a guest who was on the way and so that WILSON could catch a nooner with Cumtard before things get too busy in the green room for a bromantic tryst.

Did you know today is national tiger day? No, you can’t buy Jason’s son, but you can do something nice for tigers or otherwise just show your respect and support. Josh Todd from Buckcherry stopped by to hang with the guys for a while. I never liked Buckcherry a whole bunch, but they did a pretty good cover of that Dramarama song “Anything, Anything” and if you can pay proper tribute to a classic, you’ll earn a few points in my book. Josh told the guys some stories about his cocaine, meth, LSD and alcohol days and all the good times that come along with that kind of combination. Luckily though, he’s got almost 20 years off all of it and he’s an all around super dad and part time rock star these days, so it all works out in the end. Josh has a new EP coming out soon, but every free moment he has is at the go-kart track, and not those pussy electric ones, like a real deal, four-weel-brake kart. The guys talked karting for a while and all the weight classing and ins and outs of the league stuff and how pretty much any average Joe can get into it without having to build a half million dollar sponsored engineering experiment just to get some seat time and the officials keep it all as fair as possible. Josh is pretty enthusiastic about boxing like Jason too, so they shot the shit about that for a while (anyone else feel another possible future EllisMania contender coming on?). The guys decided to take the opportunity to bring back a game they haven’t played in a while, NAME THAT NIPPLE!!! If you don’t remember, it’s a guessing game where the folkls have to match the nipple picture to the famous name it’s attached to. The list goes as follows:

1. A young James Hetfield

2. Rob Halford’s pierced male mammary

3. M. Shadows

4. Danzig’s monstrous wolf titty

5. Tommy Lee

6. Slash

7. Bruce Dickinson’s even more terrifying wolf nipple

8. Axl Rose

9. Steven Tyler’s slightly haggard nipple of yesteryear

10. Jim Morrison

11. A young Bono

And last but not least,

12. Ozzy Osbourne

The guys played a track off the new EP “Fuck” in which every track has the word fuck in the title, which is certainly a great way to get my attention, and then Josh took a shot at the punch pad and landed himself a 56, putting him right up in the ranks with Mike Jasper, Juliana Pena and some other folks on the same scale. The guys bantered a bit more abour fighting and trying to clarify just how hard of a punch Josh landed and then took a breather to regroup for another game the guys had saved up.

MMA NEWS YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!!! Jason watched it and I didn’t and Tully read a bunch of news stories about it because Jason is dyslexic!!! But more specifically, Joe Riggs was gonna come out of retirement but accidentally shot himself in the hand and upper leg while cleaning his gun. Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz are also allegedly gonna be fighting, either in the octagon or somewhere on the east end of Stockton cause shit like that happens out there. Tully cooked up some chicken feet and the guys decided to have Cumtard fellate them like that one scene in Killer Joe where Juno Tilly is giving a drumstick a blow job for the amusement of a derranged Matthew McCaunaghey. Jetta came in to assist, but Tard kept taste testing the chicken feet cause he’s a lot more adventurous with food than all you assholes on twitter seem to think. Then Jetta started molesting Kevin’s face in the least disrespectful way possible, but some of the claws came off the foot in his throat so the gagging noises were still applied without needing any external audio support. The guys called Jetta back in after the face fucking to have him sit down and be informed that he’s a FUCKING DISGRACE OF A HUMAN BEING AND HIS PARENTS SHOULD HAVE STABBED HIM WITH A COAT HANGER WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE due to his lack of knowledge about classic rock, even the really well known stuff, and they included Hot Dog because NOBODY IS EXEMPT FROM RESPECTING THE GREATES RIFFS AND LYRICS IN ALL OF HISTORY!!! So, basically the last half hour was a bit of ridiculing the two newest employees for being born in a time when rock started going into death throes and the best we could offer to replace it was Limp Bizkit. Hot Dog proved himself to be quite a bit more knowledgable despite his age, so the guys stuck to making Jetta feel like shit for not knowing classic rock songs and for also driving a Jetta (cause if you own a German car and thought it would be practical, you have a really warped idea of practicality). The guys decide to introduce a shock collar to this affair because stupidity is supposed to be painful, and if mother nature doesn’t feel like enforcing that anymore, it’s up to us as the few humans with common sense to make sure the stupid are either ridiculed into acting appropriately or killed by their own poorly calculated deeds. Luckily, when this was all finished up, it made me want to put my foor so far up Jetta’s ass he could use his teeth to give me a pedicure after his remarks about The Clash. I was listening to the end of the show on demand, so there might have been more to this segment, or final calls, or someone screaming to start a race war, but all the same I enjoyed what I heard and typing out my unique take on it for all of you. And Iron Maiden doesn’t sound like the Crue, you fucking simpleton.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/22/14

Posted on July 22, 2014 by shit_toboggan

YA MISS ME FUCKERS?!??!!?! CAUSE I DIDN’T SEE ANY MENTION THAT IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY LAST WEDNESDAY!!! OR THAT I SUCCESSFULLY LANDED AN OLLIE BEFORE I TURNED THIRTY CAUSE I’M A FUCKING AGING NEVER-WAS SKATEBOARDER!!! DID YOU FORGET I WORKED HERE TOO??!?!?! TAKE MY DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND ANSWER ME YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!

Just kidding folks, you can keep talking with the dick in your mouth. I think it’s adorable.

Anyways, hello and thanks for visiting, I was off last week to spend some time with my family as a birthday present from my fantastic girlfriend who insisted I go on a fun trip before I come to Canada to spray my DNA all over her for the rest of time. I did a lot of walking around in Seattle and bought a fuckload of comics, and saw the new Planet of The Apes movie, which fully reinforces Jason Ellis’ belief that monkeys will one day conquer us, and if we treat them with a bit of dignity, they may not enslave us like that one time when Charlton Heston went to the future and found out that Soylent Green is made of humans. But enough about me, cause I’m here to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a whole lot of music cause I guess there was some fire that needed to be put out or that pesky sentient flying scrap of paper from the other day was back and required gawking or some such shit, but then the guys came on and started talking about how Jason was late cause he was coming from the Fighter and the Kid podcast with Bryan Callen and Brendan Schaub, and that was a fun start to the day. What wasn’t a fun start to the day was driving in early morning LA traffic and having to deal with Los Angeleans who think they’re more important than everyone else and are allowed by the State Of California to legally operate multiple tonnage of mechanical equipment in public. A FedEx truck side swiped the Wing and spun out his truck and kept on rolling cause FedEx is a shitty organization and I’ve gotten more shipments late, damaged or missing from them than any other company, so it would make sense that their truckers are also incompetent and have no common courtesy like stopping when you might have killed somebody. The truck is pretty fucked too, whole bed side, the way Ellis tells it. There’s lots of construction going on too, so that’s slowing down traffic and reducing motorist IQ points at a staggering rate, so you can’t hold Jason completely responsible for being a few minutes behind. On the plus side though, Los Angeles is so fucked up pavement-wise that the world of Mad Max may come true in Southern California very soon! Rude Jude stopped in to hang out for a bit and rehash his experience kneeing the punch pad and sucking at it. There was some talk of how Frank DeCaro may be a middle aged gay Italian, but the Romans were conquering all kinds of shit with folks like him leading the way generation after generation, just look at Catholicism!!! The boys did a bit of jaw-jacking about the trucker incident this morning and how the guy was probably so desperate to keep his job that he was hoping nobody got the license plate so he wouldn’t get reported. This got us into the topic of snitching cause sometimes it’s the right thing to do, but you can be a dick like Tully was in elementary school and snitched on a kid for eating Doritos in the bathroom. Ellis fired off some ideas at Jude about what to do with his now fucked up Dodge Ram, and most of them were just ghetto enough for a younger Jude to appreciate, but not so much for the new improved well-groomed designer drug aficionado Jude. One idea that Jude could get behind though, is the sprint-slow-down workout that Ellis suggested to him a little while ago, and it was some rough shit for McDuder, but he pulled it off. Jude has noticed that as he’s getting older it’s getting a bit harder to bust a nut, but he found some herbal cock pills that are doing the trick splendidly. The guys discussed frontier medicine for letting loose a shot of jizz and how when Tully’s old, he’s gonna relish having a load that takes forever so he can laugh maniacally at his wife for being done before he is. There were some stories about extreme/premature ejaculation and how grown up ladies in Australia have no qualms about banging high school boys and feeding them and letting six unchecked loads in a row from the same penis land in their ovaries. One time, Jason banged a lady and she started crying after the fact, but being the guy he was back then, he just left. Jude on the other hand, loves it when a girl starts crying and will fuck them again, or for the first time, depending on the situation. This led to talk about “what the fuck is it with you emotional bitches always crying about shit, it’s only some dick!” and there were a few phone calls and tweets from ladies who have taken part in this kind of stuff. Jude once made a girl start crying when they tried out some rough play but forgot to pick a safe word. One guy called in to tell the guys that every time his wife cums, she cries, and after a whole bunch of years, it’s not such a bad thing because he knows he got the job done. Another guy called in to say that he doesn’t know when he’s been taken off hold, but the next guy said his wife actually stops breathing when he fucks her proper, which is as close to fucking someone to death as you can legally get and still call it an achievement. Another guy called in with a crying girlfriend story about how he had her riding his hog and all of a sudden he felt her tears dripping down on his chest. Next caller said she only cries from anal, which is understandable when you do it too rough. You gotta romance that butthole way more than that vagina, boys, just remember that. The guys talked a while about how you’ve really gotta be a friend to the chili ring, or else it just turns back into the shit locker and it’s way less fun for everybody. Another guy said his girl started crying and had to go run for some medicine or something. A GIRL called in to let the guys know that sometimes it’s not cause women are insane, sometimes they just cry because sex can be a beautiful, intimate moment of deep connection between two people, sharing both body and soul in an amazingly pleasurable experience, and then she went on to explain that she’s had years of psychological problems and that pretty much killed her entire argument. Time to get some Lou Reed up ya, and not that Lou-Tallica crap, we’ll be back ya cunt satchels.

Have you sent in your crappy demo for unsigned bands yet? If you haven’t yet, you can still fire that off to submittoellis@gmail.com and watch your life’s work get shat on by Cassette Coast!!! There’s still time!!! The guys talked about some of the features of SiriusXM online, like on demand and how many people are listening to it and tweeting shit at them from too long ago for anybody on the show to remember. It’s looking like there’s a lot more people now who can’t catch the whole show so they listen to it when it’s more convenient, like after I get home from work where I’ve been inundated with telemarketers and other people’s problems all day and have had to keep pausing the show, so much so that I’ve got 2 hours of delay built up and I have to finish a recap, so the on demand works really well for me on Tuesday. Or when I’m on vacation and not near my computer and out doing stuff all day, I can on demand it while I’m sleeping on a shitty air mattress at my aunt’s house. But that’s not important, cause it’s AUSSIE NEWS TIME!!! But first, the guys wanted to take some calls from ladies who might be interested in dating Hot Dog the Intern, so that they could have a dating game type thing or just listen to ladies throw their snatch smack in his face and see how he would react to it. One lady called in thinking she would be dating an actual hot dog, not Hot Dog The Intern, and god dammit if she didn’t hang up before the guys could get her on the air for a few minutes of radio idiot shaming gold. But, Aussie News, some lady who got elected to some government office, was getting questioned during an interview and made a clear proclamation that she loves a huge cock and doesn’t shave that pussy. So, back to Hot Dog getting some stank on the hang low, Three ladies called in to play the dating game and Hot Donna almost sounded like she had a voice changer on, but it turns out she was just 50 years old. Hot Dog started off the questions by asking one lady if she would put his big ass up on her shoulders so that he could catch some free picks or drumsticks and she said she’d help, but couldn’t guarantee that her lower back would handle the load of all that Hot Dog, BUT SHE COULD HANDLE HIS LOAD ON HER GRILLE!!! AAOOOHH!!!!! Next, Hot Dog asked Hot Donna how stretchy her vagina is, because he’s hung like a black man in Alabama pre-civil war! And she said she could probably handle it, maybe with a bit of finesse and lubrication, but there shouldn’t be any real major issues. He asked one of the other ladies the same question and she declared that she’s got the elasticity of a teenager, so no matter how girthy the dong, she can slip it in as smooth and comfortable as a fresh pair of socks. Hot Dog’s next question for her was whether or not she’d be OK with a guy who can blow himself, and she said that if nothing else, it’s a show worth telling your friends about so no bad blood between them thus far. Next question was for the first lady, Hot Dog wanted to know her opinion on back hair and she gave a reasonable answer that in small doses it’s acceptable, but Sasquatch is gonna have to wait in the car, unless he wants a naked shaving from her, in which case she’s happy to help. Hot Dog followed this up by asking the same lady how she would take it if he made her eat a turd, then waited for her to shit it out, then vomited it, then shot a load on it, if she would still love him after the experience. Her answer was that she wouldn’t necessarily volunteer for the act, but if you really love someone and want the deepest connection possible, there’s not much closer two people can get then vomit shit cum vomit cum shit vomit shit. Hot Donna was a bit more open minded to the scenario, which warrants wondering how badly she needs companionship, but then again, she’s Hot Donna, and considering Hot Dog’s next question, she’s certainly man enough to strap on a strap-on and peg the bejeezus out of his panda-like rectum. She’d even wear her tool belt and hard hat, cause she is in fact a construction worker. Next question for the other lady, would she be willing to let a friend tag in to finish off Hebrew National if she needed to give the pussy a rest from his Sears Tower sized doom spigot? And just like slut magic, in her own words, “The more the merrier.” Next question, if she was stuck on a desert island with his fleshy Tower Of Babel, what would she do with it? After watching him blow it (of course), she said she would give it a quick rinse in the ocean to clear up some of the throat scum, then attempt to swallow it whole, come hell or asphyxiation from laryngeal blockage. The other lady answered that she would make it a point to DIE of an acute addiction to rubbing her nipples all over his dick, forsaking the need for food, fire or shelter. Hot Donna said she would basically treat it like a purse sized dog that occasionally wants to ejaculate in her mouth, but she lost the game when she stated that there would be no anal. So sorry, Hot Donna, but some chick named Jennifer is gonna be climbing the skyscraper that Hot Dog is swinging around between his thighs. Tully found a video (from BitPimps) of a guy who made a how-to series on anal breathing and massage, and it sounds like the terrorist manifesto of a pedophile fart hammer fundamentalist. Just the way he said asshole and spoke about the tranquility of a baby’s asshole, it would make any decent cop murder the mother fucker on sight, not even for the principle, just cause you can see it in his eyes. And there was some extreme farting as well, which sounded like some of the old sound drops the fans sent in a couple years ago, but with the way this guy was doing his anal breathing, it flowed pretty seamlessly with the show. Then Jason played SunnO))) and we all could tell that there may be some embellishment in the background noise we were hearing over the narrative of breathing through one’s own ass. Then he broke out some beads and we all got to wondering how Google hasn’t taken this down from YouTube, but apparently there was some loosely medical connotation to the whole thing, so I guess it flies. The guys took a few minutes to contemplate suicide or locking their children inside for the rest of their lives to protect them from this monster, and also to set up whatever they were gonna do in the next hour.

You might not have known this, but there was a tree planted in memory of George Harrison in Los Angeles. You know, the backup guitarist of the Beatles? Well, in a feat that can only be called the act of a vengeful god, the tree was killed by beetles. Real life honest to Satan beetles. I’m not a religious man, but this just smacks of some kind of cosmic malice to me. I don’t even like the Beatles all that much, but the only way it could be more ironic is if Yoko was the one who introduced them to that tree as a new habitat. That’s not the most horrible thing that’s gonna happen today though, cause if you hadn’t caught it on twitter, it’s Cumtard’s birthday!!! And as punishment for his failed attempt at getting a male stripper for Tully’s birthday, this time the guys set him up with a proper one to come and slap his whang all over the Tard’s cranium and butthole. And that is his cosmic punishment for going to see Motley Crue last night, cause as awesome as a lot of their music was, Vince Neil can’t reproduce the notes that made them stars, and also killed a kid while driving drunk, so he should not be paid any further from live performances. Plus, didn’t the band all sue each other and declare their retirement at the end of last year? After Cumtard was done being sodomized with extreme prejudice, Jason and Tully made sure to properly ridicule Cumtard for his previous attempt at male strippers being brought in to embarrass the birthday boy, and did a quick inventory of what may or may not have gotten damaged during the aggressive display of dick-spinning interpretive dance that was performed in the studio. The guys talked about getting old and how Cumtard better find his Yoko before too much longer, or else he’s gonna turn into that kid from Clerks 2, endlessly talking about Jesus and Lord Of The Rings and Pussy Trolls (Google it, I can’t explain it well enough in this format, it needs to be witnessed). Tard has gone on a few dates but hasn’t been particularly amazed by anyone just yet, so there’s still more stalking to be done to find that one girl you wouldn’t leave alone no matter how many yards the court tells you is the minimum distance allowable from their house or place of business. Jason has recently come to the realization that he doesn’t want the type of friends that want to see his dick, and vice versa, cause there needs to be a point in his relationships where nobody needs to set their dick on anyone’s shoulder at a party. The guys put the question out to the fans asking what they think Jason’s channel should be called, on the far outside chance that SiriusXM gives him his own channel. There were some great suggestions, such as Ellistronics, Valhalla, Wolfknife Radio, The Baby, Master Of Puppies, Narcoleptic Narwhal, Barter Town, EllisFam, The Wolf Pack (which is completely fucked by the Hangover movie franchise), The Pube, Your Mum’s Fishtank, The Farthole, Future41, The Cave, Hail Satan, The Cockodile, The Rocktopus, The Glory Hole, Awesome World, The Wing, The Toe Cutter, Fromunda 41, Outback Maniac, The Tard, Radio Fight Club, Splooge Mountain, Will’s a Racist, 41 Jump Street, Sum 41, Cum 41, Ellis Island, 6 Pounds Of Sound, The Rape Room, Skull Fuck, Butt Town, Red Dragin Radio (which would be a copyright issue, but a respectable effort nonetheless), EllisNation, Los EllisEs, The Schism, Facti-OFF, Black Guys Wear Black, Ellis The Red, Against The Grain, Sausage Party, Massive Poopies, Blitzkrieg 41, The Didjeridoo, The Gas Chamber, Muska Kills, Bogan Brigade, The Cocktagon, The Goat, The Woodsman, The Gape, Horse Force, Welcome To Hellis, and many others that didn’t get mentioned cause they were actually trying to take this a little bit seriously cause it is kinda big and permanent-ish, but I assure you, they were hilarious on twitter. Ellis’ contract officially expires tomorrow and he needs to sign the new one, but there may have been a mix-up in the most recent draft he was given and they’re trying to get it sorted out. The guys talked UFC for a bit after reading a quote from Dana White about how an insane Irish fighter reminds him of Ronda Rousey for some reason or another. Tim Silvia is a great friend of the show, and might be getting a shot at moving his way through the ranks of the UFC towards a title shot after fighting Dustin Porier. But that’s all speculation at this point, so let’s all drift away into Awesome World for a bit and regroup.

A Chinese art collector spent $39 million on an antique tea cup, cause I guess $20 grand for making potato salad on KickStarter wasn’t enough in the grand scheme of ridiculous spending at the hands of the public, but the real kicker is that this guy used his AmEx to make the purchase and it gained him a net profit of 422 million American Express Rewards points due to the overseas purchase and exchange rates and such, so basically he’s got airfare for life or enough food to balloon up to 7,500 pounds and starve an entire industrialized country to death, all on the rewards system from American Express. Don’t leave home without it!!! The guys played some clips of classic rock singers belting out their signature vocals, and the guys had to guess if they could still hit the notes live. First up was Robert Plant, and the guys unanimously agreed that there’s no way he’s still pumping out his signature high notes, and they were right, as demonstrated by a 2012 performance of Kashmir. After that was Meatloaf and hot patootie, bless my soul, he still has the pipes for rock and roll, despite the guys thinking he probably can’t cause of the testicular cancer and bitch tits thing we learned about in Fight Club. Next up we heard Loretta Lynn joining in with the Loaf, and she’s still got it as well. Next we got a taste of Vince Neil, who we’ve already confirmed can’t do it, but his public ridicule is still entertaining in small doses. After that was Roger Daltry and he can still bang it out, when he’s not high as fuck or phoning it in due to lack of interest. After that was David Lee Roth who refuses to give up the ghost on the tarnished legacy of Van Halen, post Van Hagar years. Then we heard one from the new lead singer of Journey, Stevie Engrish Superfan or whatever the fuck his name is, and if Steve Perry was dead, he’d be rocketing out of his grave towards the sun if he heard this. Next up was the ladies in Heart and despite growing up a bit, their voices have only matured like a fine whiskey, and if you had a bottle of some you could probably still get a dick spinning duet from the Wilson Sisters. After that we heard a selection from Axl Rose, still belting it out like his lungs are gonna fall out his rectum, but he doesn’t have the staying power to keep it going very long. Next we got a sampling of Fleetwood Mac and Stevie’s still got it, but everyone else in the band can fuck right off. Next down the line was Elton John and I guess the cure for every physical problem is gay sex cause as long as you don’t get the HIV you pretty much stay a champion forever. After that was A-Ha doing Take On Me and if this is how it sounded like in 2010, I’d say that jam is never gonna die. Finally, we got a taste of Steven Tyler doing dream on from 2013 and despite having throat surgery in 2007, when I saw them two weeks after, he was still pounding it out like it was 1976 all over again. The guys talked classic rock and rumors about our favorite stars for a bit, then brought the rest of the crew in to belt out some lines from their favorite classics. WILSON came in hot with a decent Meatloaf. Hot Dog dropped a fully terrifying rendition of Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus. Cumtard came in to fire off a bit of Fuel by Metallica, and basically live tarded the tune just with actual words instead of sound effects. Finally we heard Jetta’s best feeble attempt at giving us something from Thrice and since Thrice sucks I really can’t criticize his efforts on this one, but if he was covering any of the other songs it would have counted as a fail. Jason started giving Jetta shit for not being able to recite lyrics for good music the way the rest of the developed world can. Will got back on the microphone to show a true display of his singing abilities which he was holding back on before, and after some vocal pointers from the guys, he was like a younger Meatloaf incarnate, with his testicles still intact, just in the possession of his ex wife. There were some final calls and stuff and god dammit it’s close to show time and lunch time and I’ve been ignoring shit at work and we’re too busy for that this week, so when you’re done reading this go clean your room and cut me some firewood.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/15/2014

Posted on July 15, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Cricket. Don’t even bother, we’re not meant to understand.

What’s up party people in the place to be? I know what you’re thinking. “There are pictures in this recap, that turd_sled guy doesn’t post pictures in his recap!” Well first of all, his name is shit_toboggan, and second off all, this is bitPimps filling in. Now that we have that out of the way, and you’re out on bail fresh outta jail, California dreamin’, lets see what the show had in store for us today. Oh. Wait. Before I forget, there have been more updates about Ellis’s contract – here’s what a little birdie told me. Ellis will indeed have his own channel, it’ll probably still be Faction 41 – but he will run the channel and answer only to Scott Greenstein. This channel will still play music & talk and have no commercials. Of course Tully & Wilson will still be there and a part of everything. If he is interested, Jude is welcomed to a show on Tuesdays. Ellis will have a bigger show budget, allowing for more remote shows from different locations. He also mentioned hiring a big time producer as of yet to be named. He went after Brent Hatley, but he was snatched up by Stern. So that’s pretty much it. Now, on to today’s show. Ellis stayed up too long and got in trouble. He and Mike both stayed up until 2 AM. Starting at 5 AM, police helicopters were flying over and shaking Tully’s house for 3 hours straight. No idea what that was all about, but he knows it wasn’t about OJ Simpson. Could it have been the 12 O’Clock Boys? Maybe. But probably not. Could it have been Fletcher Dragge from Pennywise? Maybe. But probably not. He’ll be on the show later today. But right now it’s time for Jude to come in. Jude always shows up a little to the radio party because he wants to give Ellis & Tully some breathing room. That and it makes him feel weird to go to parties early and empty handed. Ellis wants to have a cricket match with him and his friends and get the fans involved. They were talking about wickets and bowling and shit. I have no idea what bowling and a made up religion have to do with extra shittier baseball meets croquet, but there you have it. Shit looks like a fraternity initiation to me, and sounds racist as fuck to everyone except Australians, but what can ya do? Apparently cricket matches in Australia can last for days and people are there to get drunk as fuck and pretend to have some class. Guess they’ve never heard of polo or the other hoity toity, nose in the air, sports for the elite class. Cricket talk, racist cricket terminology continued until it evolved into what cops refer to different races as while on their walkie talkies. Thankfully, we have audio from Wilson’s last arrest to give us some insight.

Women, don’t get mad. You did this to yourselves.

Women, Am I Right? While in Afghanistan, a male soldier asked his girlfriend to watch his dog, so she promptly sold to someone else. 11% of UK women surveyed believe if they don’t kiss while fucking, they can’t get an STD. 55% think the pull-out method will save them from sexual diseases. 22% think they can’t get STDs if they’re on top. 14% think they couldn’t get an STD if they were in a relationship. A woman in Florida torched a man’s car after he refused to buy her McFlurry, thereby releasing her McFury. A woman in Alabama was arrested for shoplifting, cops found a bunch of stolen shit in a bag on the horse she stole to go steal more shit. A woman in Utah approached a drug dealer looking for crystal meth, turns out it was a cop – so she told the police officer it wasn’t for her, it was a birthday gift for her sister. A soft porn model, Sophie Dalzell, skipped probation meetings because she says her boobs are more important than the law. Some drunk Hungarian girl put her leg through a glass door. Some gross bitch outside a nightclub in Toronto was caught on camera shitting in her hand and throwing her poop like nothing is out of the ordinary. Some lady was caught on video making herself some coffee, she put some milk in the coffee, and then refilled the milk carton with her own breast milk. There was video of a group of girls fighting at Denny’s. Just go Google that shit, there are tons of those kinds of videos. We heard some garbage song shaking up the morning show world by Lindsey Stirling and played on Octane. Will likes checking on everyone, but he doesn’t like it when other people check on him. He’s still reluctant to let anyone go over to his apartment or even see where he lives. He says it’s embarrassing where he lives, how he lives, and of course the dead hookers he has stored in the linen closet. He also says he might let a chick come over, but he’ll never allow a meeting to be held there. He says it smells, he doesn’t have dishes or plants, and all he wants is a bed, a toilet, a shower, and a TV. He also claims the only things that are important to him are family, friends, the show, and his work. Yet none of his family or friends are allowed to ever see where he lives. Is he just hiding from his shame or is there something more SINISTER that he’s trying to hide? Be sure to watch the nightly news, you just might get your answer, or at the very least, keep your family SAFE! Tully has a mega crush on Yolandi Visser, the girl in Die Antwoord.

Ain’t nothing gonna kill your Yolandi boner like some ball cancer talk.

It’s halftime, everyone grab your tits and your nuts, do a quick check and let’s keep this… ball rolling. YEEAAAHHH!!! Fletcher is in studio now, his tits are always great and his balls are fine. He’s had an ultrasound on his balls because he found a lump right around the time Tom Green had ball cancer, so he went to the doctor to have them nuts checked. Ellis had a lump, he had it checked, he’s good. Tully has a cyst on his balls, he had it checked, he’s good. Fletcher talked about some of his fights and legendary drinking antics, which he says he’s cut out some of the hard stuff so he can live that whole peace & tranquility lifestyle. Ellis talked about how he ran into Fletcher one time carrying around a punch bowl full of alcohol. Punk Rock Sasquatch showed what a normal 12 ounce can looks like in his hand and defends his Pringles can drinking apparatus because he gets tired of always making drinks, so he needed a bigger cup. He talked about how Byron McMackin is hoarding all the free shit sponsor send to Pennywise, like Pabst, Red Bull, and GoPros. He could’ve used that GoPro when he almost died by bro’ing down with an elephant. The elephant basically used it’s trunk, head, & tusk to pick Fletcher up and toss him 15 feet across the room and into a wall. Drunk with a couple broken ribs and stitches in his hand, he did his job and played the show that night and went to the hospital the next day. Byron was freaking out and said he was going to quit the band, but he stayed for the show and warned that if he saw Fletcher drinking that night, he was gonna quit for sure. He also talked about how Pennywise always fights with one another for hours on end and how much he loves picking on Randy, and how Pennywise is just a big, dysfunctional family. Fletcher, just like B-Real has tons of crazy stories, but instead of them being all weed related, they’re all liters worth of vodka related.

The safer version of Fletcher.

Sony Records has signed an 8th grade heavy metal band called Unlocking The Truth to a $1.8 million dollar deal. Fletcher says they’re not going to see a dime after they hire a producer and pay for a shitty video, plus the one kid is already playing guitar better than Fletcher so there’s definitely no bias coming from his side of the table. More stories from the large man with a Doritos bag full of vodka. A caller asked about what went on back in the day in St. Louis where Pennywise was banned from what was then Riverport Amphiteater. Turns out there were two different instances that happened to contribute to their banishment. One was a mini-riot that Fishbone got blamed for, but it was Pennywise fans who started fighting with security to get closer to the stage. Pennywise warned the powers that be that their fans probably wouldn’t take too kindly to being stuck so far away from the band, and sure enough shit went down. On another occasion, a little promoter guy was wanting Pennywise to sell their shirts for more money so the promoters could make more money, Pennywise refused, and Fletcher may have allegedly spit on little promoter guy several times. Little promoter guy swung on Fletcher and hit him and then he was kicked out. He said bullshit, he wasn’t leaving & called the cops to press charges. The cops weren’t having it and ended escorting the entire band to the state line. Fletcher is also not allowed near the cockpit of any planes because he wants to do a barrel roll and nobody else is willing to let his big, crazy, convict-like drinking bag, ass take control of a plane. Basically, Fletcher is pretty fucking punk rock. We listened to some slowed down pop songs, which was alright. Cumtard got shocked while using the speech jammer, that was alright. Fletcher hit the punch pad and was disappointed in his numbers, but let’s face it, that punch pad is far from accurate. But that’s alright. And now this recap is over, that’s alright, alright, alright.

That’s what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/8/14

Posted on July 8, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Guess who’s back in the mother fuckin’ house? WIT A FAT DICK FO’ YA MOTHA FUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! That’s right folks, you couldn’t keep me away from this shit if you tried, unless I went on vacation next week and needed someone to cover me, or I got the kind of job that required more continuous involvement instead of spurts of attention between slow periods in the day. Luckily for you though, I get to give a glorious report on the events of the Jason Ellis Show’s second day back from vacation and after the quality programming we got yesterday, today better be fucking amazing or so help me god I will strangle a kitten and make Thai food with it’s entrails! Let’s get into it! So, today kicked off with Jason talking about how Khloe Kardashian has a radio show but none of it would be possible if Usher hadn’t stuffed his dick in Kim’s box. The rest of the staff were looking out the window at some construction going on and Jason and Tully had to rip into them for expressing their childlike wonder at men using big machines. Hot Dog showed up to work stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and the guys spent a few minutes on that. Medical marijuana doctors all seem like rub and tug parlors, according to Tully, but this is America and we keep sex out of all forms of media unless we think we can sell something to somebody with it. Some UFC fighter passed out while warming up for a fight over the weekend, probably because he’s 7 feet tall and gigantic people are really well known for having heart problems. There was some more UFC talk and stuff, and I was feasting on an avocado and cream cheese sandwich, so it all kind of slipped past me. Something about Michael Jordan and how all the hustle and drive in the world can’t replace a certain amount of talent. Cumtard still has cysts all over his head, but that doesn’t trump the cysts in Ronda Rousey’s fist that popped over the weekend. Jetta tried to film WILSON taking his pants off and Rude Jude was in studio to give a play by play of Pendarvis’ fucked up knee. Seriously though, Will’s knee is fucked up, which means we can probably stop talking shit on him being a vag at that basketball tournament the show had like 2 years ago. Jason gave WILSON some old skateboarder frontier medicine on how to ice down swollen joints, and it probably sank in, but WILSON is from the south so he’s probably got some tricks of his own. Jude asked Jason if he thought that WILSON might do some real irreversible damage to Cumtard and the answer was very vague so it’s very possible we’ll be watching an actual drunken street fight between two people with an 80 pound weight difference and no concern for getting arrested. Bruce Willis was in a commercial for Seagram’s wine coolers back in the day, and the reason we know this is cause Jude is a little high and when you’re a little high you remember shit that doesn’t have anything to do with anything but can make great conversation. One time back when Jason and Andrea were still married, an overweight girl’s titty popped out in front of them and the only way Ellis could get away with it was to say “Ewwwww” which is sometimes the correct answer even when your wife doesn’t keep your testicles in a Dolce & Gabana purse. Fabio is the least acceptable musician to have ever lived and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times for being allowed to record an album. Jude noticed that the beat really was on par with almost everything else from the late 80’s/early 90’s, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s Fabio and he sounds like a Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. In case you didn’t catch it on twitter and Instagram over the weekend, I’m back on instagram, and also Jason has been in contract talks with SiriusXM and it’s looking like he’s getting a little bit more favor in the company, so kudos for all the hard work. And you can see stupid pictures of me doing shit at shit.toboggan on the insta. Or you could do me a real favor and assassinate Mark Zuckerberg, either one. The guys finally got the audio of Bruce Willis whoring himself out for Seagram’s wine coolers and if that’s not 80’s enough, he had a full head of hair when it happened, and GOD DAMN IF IT ISN’T THE MOST EPIC EMBARRASSING SHIT YOU COULD EVER HAVE IMMORTALIZED ON THE INTERNET!!! AND HE SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF A BLACK GUY AND A DOG!!! AAAAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAAAAHAA!!!
If I had the free time at work, I would have cried a little. And to top it all off, he got fired as the Seagram’s spokesperson after he got arrested for drunk driving. But hey, at least he spawned two good looking daughters, one of whom insists on getting naked in public and is not offensive to the eyes when she does so, soooooo… Fuck yeah, Willis. Then they played one of his originals from “The Revenge Of Bruno” and it’s one of those music videos that takes us back to a time like when Paula Abdul danced on a staircase with someone dressed as a cat. Oh, to have been alive in a time when cocaine was non habit-forming. I imagine it must have been just like all of my favorite 80’s movies where nothing bad ever happened to anyone except stuffy rich people with no style. After hearing more of his music, the guys determined that Bruce Willis needs to open for Horse Force/Death!Death!Die!/Taintstick at the next EllisMania. Jude moved into a sweetly gentrified new apartment recently and is enjoying the shit out of it. That’s right, no more gay Mexican tweakers breaking in to rummage through his shit. The guys took a break to let Jude get back to his day job and get ready for a guest they had lined up, and I got to listen to the only song by the Beatles that was ever given a proper cover, and then some Machine Head to smash my head against the desk to.

Coors Light Canada had to apologize after an intersection got closed off due to some promotional stunt, and in a shocking display of Caniadianism, the townspeople accepted the apology, and everybody went out for Tim Horton’s and poutine afterwards. Amber Lyon stopped by to hang out with the guys today. If you don’t know who she is, WELCOME TO THE BABY SEAL CLUB!!! Amber is a journalist for some company which didn’t get mentioned in the meet and greet. The guys are really impressed with Amber because she doesn’t have a TV personality voice or act like the re-skinned cybernetic husk of Tom Brokaw. I for one don’t watch the news, cause it’s primarily lies or pointless distractions, and if I wanted all that, there’s still HBO, but if this lady was talking I would be less offended at the whole situation. Amber is on board with Aubrey from Onnit and all the other ayhuasca MMA extreme fitness Dolce diet crowd, and was nice enough to bring a piece for Ellis to get up himself when the time is appropriate. So, everybody talked psychedelics for a while and all the really fun mind expanding wall destroying times you can have on them, however it’s important to be careful, or much like an old friend of mine, you will get wrestled to the ground by the police in your own home and have a taser barb fired into your asshole while trying to carry a conversation with Jesus. So, Amber is an Emmy winner and made a documentary on some aspect of the ridiculous state that Americans leave the Middle East in every time we go to “visit” (by visit I mean pilfer natural resources and keep brown people under raps). She seemed to have a pretty good eye for what was going on around her and didn’t get shot by any of the fringe groups and got to expose the glaring hypocrisy of everything that the US has done in the middle east for a fuck ton of years, but y’know, in the name of freedom, not personal gain for the oil companies and weapons manufacturers we elected TWICE just a few years back. She also did a story on how it’s ridiculously easy to get medical grade heroin but in most states you’ll still go to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for getting caught with a dime bag of weed. So, all in all, not a hateable person in my opinion. Amber heard about that whole “bubbling” trend and had to ask Ellis about it and he kinda dodged telling her about that time he wanted to be Lyoto Machida, but did tell her about getting so drunk he passed out face down and woke up second away from crib death by way of nocturnal emission. There was some more ayhuasca talk and being a guy that hasn’t done drugs in a long time, it’s only slightly making me feel like I missed out on a good time, and kind of makes me want to tell Ellis to either go on a bender and get some new stories about it or just quit bringing it up. Amber suggested that Jason should try MDMA therapy cause she apparently doesn’t know he already tried that and that may be part of the cause for some of the spotty connections that go on in his head now. There was some more talk about how dropping acid is therapeutic, except when you catch a taser barb in your asshole, or when you’re the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous and you drop a bunch of acid to try and treat one of the outlying symptoms associated with being an alcoholic. Really, what I’m trying to say is, don’t do things that might get you a taser barb in the asshole. I just can’t find any reason why that might be something I would recommend. More psychedelics talk, and then some more, and more promoting hippie frontier medicine, and all kinds of other stuff that didn’t particularly pique my interest. But hey, somebody probably got a lot out of it, and the god damn world doesn’t revolve around me, so those are the two most important things to take away from the last hour. The guys watched some fottage of a news piece Amber did about ladies in mixed martial arts, and as those of us who have been listening for a while would know, Every opportunity for sexual inuendo was taken and beaten to death. And then they started talking about Wolf Blitzer for no discernable reason. But then Death!Death!Die! came to break up the pow wow so that we could move onto other more important things. Like farts and crib death.

Kit Cope relayed a video to the guys of a musical performance by KIevin Costner, and it was like they put “The Postman” in song and tried taking the show on the road, which would warrant me demanding that Kevin Costner be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Hopefully it wasn’t a cover song, cause I would triple the royalties if he butchered something I created like that. The guys talked for a while about just where in the shining blue fuck did Kevin Costner come from? The real answer is Lynwood, CA, but Jason still holdsa true that he was birthed at a Red Lobster during a Satanic rite that also produced the script for Robin Hood: Prince of thieves and Waterworld. Tully floated the idea that if McDonald’s started selling a $0.99 ribeye steak, nobody would ask any questions cause Outback would already have countered with their newest delicacy: Steak-on. That’s right, a steak made of bacon. Obesity is only a problem if you stop telling people it’s good for them. The boys discussed Mike Catherwood because at the go kart races last week he was looking fantastic, but they could see his former junkie/roid freak side come out on the track. This gave Jason the idea to bring in the Catherwood couple for counselling on the Jason Ellis show every so often cause sometimes fucking with other people’s healthy relationships for entertainment can be a good god damn time. Jason is trying to get a line in his contract that would bring about a FUCKING WORLD WIDE WOLFKNIVES GATHERING TOUR LIKE THE JUGGALOS BUT WITH ALL NATURAL GREEN DRINKS INSTEAD OF FAYGO AND A LOT LESS CRYSTAL METH!!!!!!!! And there’s gonna be some new Wolfknives gear coming out in the near future, even stuff for the ladies, so if you want a running joke about Vespas to drape over your titties, just keep your eyes on the Wolfknives online store! Tully recounted a theory that he’s heard about how lotto winners don’t usually end up as happier better people just cause they get a bunch of money and equated it to his own experiences with having a certain constant level of stress and how even if you solve a problem there’s always gonna be another one and we all die. Plus, a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and giving them large amounts of financial independence just magnifies all the shitty ideas they normally wouldn’t have been able to act on. Jason has been keeping in touch with his stepmom more often lately and they seem to be forming a much better bond than when he was a kid and the only thing they had in common were a couple relatives. The guys took some phone calls to get ideas on what Ellis should do in a hotel room with a bunch of fans and friends of the show and organize some stunts and games to have people do. Some of the suggestions were weed lube wrestling, animal bites with Donald Schultz, drunken stripper contest, and a serious delay in answering phones to get more ideas care of Hot Dog being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Whle they waited for Hebrew National to get up to speed with everybody who didn’t go to the same high school as Cumtard, Tully read us a news story about a girl in Ireland who went to some far off mystical resort where the bartender convinced this young lady to blow 24 dudes for a free drink and apparently there’s video floating around on the internet and I saw this news story on a couple sites, so it’s probably very true and does show that Europeans are just not as uptight about sex as we are and if it was consesual, it’s not a fucking problem for anybody. The ideas started flowing in for this super model party, first up was a vibrator hot potato relay race, then nude armwrestling, drunk obstacle course racing, Wet T-shirt contest with the new Wolfknives gear, ass-groping contest, anal bead tug-of-war, strip hi-low and the loser gets drawn on with body paint and sharpies, blindfolded drunken stripper miniature golf, strip sting pong, finger painting with your tits, 20 women independently ranking each other (cause bitches got no loyalty and stereotypes don’t fall out of the sky), pillow fight tournament and photo shoot, topless pogo sticking, pin-the-tail-on-the-Cumtard, what’s in my box/what’s on my tits (probably the latter cause lawyers are uptight cunts), strip limbo, and that was all they could handle for the day. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Madonna got excused from jury duty which is fucking fantastic cause I wouldn’t trust her to be a reasonable jury member in any capacity whatsoever. Wendy Williams is turning 50 and went on the Today Show to fulfill her dream of being a singer and it was nothing too special unless you’re the type to hang around the Today Show crowd being a hokey shithead who would be pumped as all fuck to watch Wendy Williams butcher a Diana Ross song. It was almost as bad as Kevin Costner, and she should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Pink Floyd is gonna release a new album this October and I didn’t think I could hate them any more than I already do, but that’s sure to change by year’s end. The guys talked Living Colour for a bit cause apparently Vernon Reed is like Jimi Hendrix reincarnated, but then they started talking Floyd again and I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention cause I already lived with hippies once and for where I’m at today, the less Floyd the better. Roy Horn, of getting mauled by a tiger and being a gay Vegas magician fame, is being sued by a guy for being creepy as fuck and making unwelcome sexual advances, which I have no trouble believeing at all cause just one Sigfried and Roy billboard is an unwelcome sexual advance. DMX is gonna get his wages garnished to cover child support cause a black man in America can never cautch a break. Sting’s kids are trying to cash their trust funds early cause apparently money is good. The guys talked a while about how the children of rich kids almost always grow up to be the most ungrateful pieces of shit on the planet. And finally, Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory is gonna come back from retirement/cancellation for a seventh season!!! And the townspeople rejoiced.

AUSSIE CUNTS!!! I mean NEWS!!! If you didn’t know, Aussie rules football has elements of American football and basketball and everybody’s getting beaten about the head and face as all sports should be played. What’s important about all that is that some Aussie sick cunt performed the first documented on-field choking of an opposing player and had to be pulled off by all the members of the other team AND HE WOULD HAVE PUT THE FUCKER OUT TOO IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!!! Jason is gonna be on Dr. Drew On Call again tonight, as he does regularly on Tuesdays and Thursdays nowadays. Some lady abandoned a baby on the subway which doesn’t surprise me cause a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and this is why unwed mothers in biblical times were stoned. Tully found some more audio of Fabio singing R&B songs in the early nineties and I WANT FABIO DEAD!!! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEDNESDAY, YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!! But why this is important is because Cumtard is gonna try and recreate the vocal stylings in his own tard-tastic way with the Fabio accent and the speech jammer app. It sounded exactly like Fabio, the Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. It was quite entertaining too, like an extreme parody of itself. It was all kinds of meta, let’s just say that. Tully reported on a story about a family up here in the bay area who hired a nanny on a no pay basis in exchange for free room and board in their house and after a few weeks of really great service, the nanny essentially refused all services and went bat shit fucking crazy and won’t leave the house and is making all sorts of ridiculous demands and if you do a little more research you’ll find out that these people are all fucking terrible and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Long story short, no contract illegal employee who’s barred from suing anyone in California because she’s got a record of suing absolutely everyone, hired by a family with a stay at home mom who can’t be bothered to take care of her own kids, everybody’s liable to go to jail or be fined excessively if they take it to court, but the family wants an A&E series on their experience cause “fuck me in the ass homie” is the correct answer, and what the townspeople should do is burn down the house with all occupants except the children locked inside. The guys discussed the logistics of having the nanny killed by crocodile assassin and all of the logistical problems that might come into play in this particular scenario, like how to testify in your own defense against accusations of hiring a guy with a crocodile to remove an illegal tenant. The guys took some final calls to hear everybody’s best impression of Fabio and that was a bit of a treat, and Tony Hawk was live today so the guys finished up right at 4 PM sharp cause Tony Hawk is GAWD.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/17/14

Posted on June 17, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just buried in my little paperwork hovel, listening to an endless string of time wasting phone calls and giving price estimates for shit that I could never afford while consoling others about their problems in comparison to mine. NOBODY PUTS BABY IN THE CORNER!!! TURN DOWN WHATEVER FUCKING YOUTUBE VIDEO YOU’RE WATCHING, I’M TALKING TO SOMEBODY!!! FUCK YOU DON’T CALL BACK!!! I SHALL VISIT A SUFFERING UPON YOU THAT WOULD MAKE AUSCHWEITZ LOOK LIKE A NURSERY SCHOOL!!!!! So, yeah, that’s how I’m doing today. I also took a shit that I simply cannot trust the size of. It was way too much work and discomfort for how small it was. But fuck me, right, how are you? YOU READY FOR THE ELLIS SHOW?!?!?!?! Well, I hope you caught it live, because the recap is very close second, but still only second. Today’s show got started with some dead air and then some talk about how Orange Is The New Black is kinda stupid, and since I’ve never seen it, it just looks trendy and boring to me, but Donna from That 70’s Show is in it, so if nothing else, eye candy. This basically boiled down to a lot of talk about how trendy shit gets trendy then pointless. Jude was in studio to talk sound bites and how he’s given the show way too many memorable phrases for the Jingleberries not to have a whole page of buttons for him. Somehow, this boiled down to talk about Mike Metzger and people thinking other people are racist. Jude tried to relate his experience with racism and how it’s pretty common in just about every different group, but white people get treated a bit worse cause we actually enslaved several different groups on many different occasions and (especially in America) white is a pretty broad spectrum of people, so it’s not like it’s all the Brits or the Irish or the French, it’s just north versus south of the equator (PS native Americans are still on reservations cause white people are just fantastic like that). Fat Mike from NOFX said it best: Everyone’s a little bit racist. So there, problem solved, problem staying solved, rangers lead the way. There was more talk about racism and I just have to say that human beings are universally shitty in one way or another, every last god damn one of them, even the ones I like, it’s all just levels and when you have enough positives in my book, I’ll be decent to you, and if you don’t then I can leave pretty much any situation I need to in order to avoid you. It’s the great thing about free will and adulthood, personal fucking choice. There was more arguing and Ellis seemed really passionate about it, Jude tried to divert the subject and explain the double standard and how a certain amount of other people’s stupidity just needs to be ignored, but that just kind of brought the excitement level back up to the forefront of the conversation. Some guy (from Alabama) called in to say a certain amount of it is just what you experience and it’s not always just telling yourself not to be a dick. But then he said he hated Don Cheadle because he got robbed by a black guy and didn’t trust any of them for a bunch of years. Long story short, Jude’s point of view, lead by example, Ellis’ point of view, fuck all of them. They’re kinda both right, and both wrong. The world is a shitty place, and harden the fuck up. Two sides of an equally feces covered coin that is worth less than the metal it was minted from. Maybe that’s my own nihilism speaking, but it’s an opinion, which is like an asshole, and I stay away from everybody else’s unless I have a really good reason to be there, cause despite the fact that I’m not a germophobe, I’m weird and I get incredibly freaked out by the thought of poo, like when you’re watching porn and there’s that very slight brown mark on a girl’s ass cheeks when the dude fucking her slips out and has to line it back up again to continue rearranging her internal organs. IT JUST FUCKS UP THE ENTIRE THING FOR ME AND I HAVE TO START MASTURBATING ALL OVER AGAIN FROM SCRATCH, OKAY?!?!!?!?!!?! The guys switched to talking about the class divide and that’s really more of the issue when it comes to institutionalized racism, and I hate those people who love to tell you money is the root of all that kills, they have never been poor they will never know the joy of a welfare Christmas, I WILL BUY YOU A GARDEN WHERE YOUR FLOWERS CAN BLOOM!! I WILL BUY YOU THAT BIG HOUSE!!! PERFECT SSHHIIIINNYY AND NEEEEEWWW!!!! Yes, I’m a 90’s kid. But fuck all of that last slew of nonsense, Hyena, the rebirth (remix? I mean, he does work at a hip hop station), September, pre-order that shit. And listen to the Foreally show. And let’s all just try and be better to each other cause some people take it way more personally than others. ‘Kay? ‘Kay………….Kay took my baby awaaayyy, they took her away, AWAY FROM MEEEEE!!! Delirium, coupled with a decent lunch and a bloodshart brewing. The fumes in this shop gave the last guy lung cancer, I think they just make me lose brain cells. Which is fine with me, cause for the last thirty minutes I’ve been running through my vast personal knowledge of automotive lubricants in my head for ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING REASON at all, and this kind of knowledge drives me a little insane, and yet I relish it, cause it makes me good at my real job, just not the part that requires me to deal with everybody else’s problems and listen to their bullshit and be whined at because goods and services cost money and we won’t take trades of shitty macrame art and are constantly risking our own personal safety lifting their 3-ton hoarder cars up in the air to determine how quickly they need to be trading it in for a skateboard and a healthy dose of get off your ass and do something. MICHAEL SCHUMACHER IS OUT OF A COMA!!! For the most part, as far as we are told by the media, so that’s great. Long live The Stig. Let’s just take a moment to think about everything that’s happened so far today, and remember that no matter how bad you have it, at least you’re not a hipster. Those people suck.

ON DEMAND!!! It’s pretty much the only way I can finish these recaps!!! SIRIUSXM!!! Quality product. The web player and phone app, eh, not their finest attempt, but the content is fucking fantastic. #ShoutOut to the Backbone, Bryan fucking Cullen. Jason noticed that his twitter seems to be shitty about giving him notifications when people say/ask/harass/call him a fag/aggressive cock sucking/demand things from him, so the guys got to work trying to figure it out. Cumtard has never had that problem, and neither has Tully, so just off the bat they were able to determine it’s probably something to do with Jason’s phone app for twitter (I use Tweedle for android, you can make your own color scheme for it and it doesn’t give you fifty fucking columns of bullshit you wouldn’t even use on the computer, and it’s FREEEEEE!!!!) so they started trying to diagnose whether it was the app itself or just Ellis fault for buying an iPhone (*cough* inferior closed source technology *cough cough*). While they were doing that, Tully found a story about how people in Alabama are finally allowed to have oral and anal sex and don’t have to be wedded to do it, cause the state supreme court finally turned over whatever ridiculous hillbilly superstitious law they had on the books that previously made those a crime. WILSON came in to verify that he has tasted the sweetest fruits of carnal sin under the pseudonym “Phil” and that it was good. The guys discussed their feelings on their kids marrying a “beard” sometime in the future, and Tully has met a few of those couples and there’s a select few that seem to have it pretty good when they do that, and they make the flimsiest bridges, but the most Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabulous tacos. WILSON suggested that Jason’s twitter problems might be that he’s got his response page set to only people he follows, but Jason dismissed this as nonsense cause he’s not a technophile and probably didn’t realize he set it that way. But fuck all that, cause the guys turned to twitter and the phones to see who out there just can’t do stuff that other normal people can do, like pouring water out of a pitcher, or changing your own oil, or getting the center of an envelope lined up just right to get the address down on it. And there were some doozies, people out there don’t know how to do lots of stuff. Cumtard can’t keep his shoes tied for some reason or another. He’ll triple knot therm, but no matter what, they come untied in a few small steps. Jason can’t do carnival games, but that’s fine cause carnies are basically the gypsies of America and should not be trusted. Tully can’t butter toast unless it’s already kind of liquid. Ellis can’t open plastic bags very well. He also can’t manage remembering that 30 days hath September, April June and November, and all the rest have 31, except for February alone and that has 28 days clear and 29 on each leap year. The guys turned to the phones and got a guy who can’t negotiate swiping his credit card the right direction anytime he tries to use it. One guy on twitter can’t chew gum, but worse than that, Mike in Canada and Michael Tully both can’t do a respectable job opening a carton of milk. A lot of folks can’t snap their fingers or whistle. One lady couldn’t use an electric can opener to save her life (#AmIRight). One guy cut the tip of his pinky finger off on multiple occasions just trying to chop garlic. Some guy couldn’t parallel park and that’s just bullshit. A guy called in to say that he can’t pee when he’s sitting down to take a shit, cause we all needed to hear that this afternoon, but some of his friends stand up to wipe, so there’s that. Some guys can’t do gift wrapping, or put the straw through a Capri Sun without squeezing half of it out. One lady said she can’t use saran wrap cause it sticks to her fingers. Jetta has shy bowels, as does Ellis. One dude can’t open up a fruit cup without spilling out the syrup, and that wouldn’t be a huge deal if he didn’t work at an elementary school. Somebody on twitter can’t brush his teeth without making a huge mess of toothpaste everywhere. One guy called in to tell the guuys that, for the fucking life of him, he can’t open a tube of Pillsbury biscuits withouth them exploding all over his kitchen. Happy birthday Thomas Haden Church. Danny’s brother can’t walk in flip-flops, and some lady can’t fold fitted sheets (which I just kind of half-ass and get into a squarish shape, and since I live alone, fuck everybody) Someone called in to say he can’t drink from a big mouth glass with crushed ice in it, cause he’s essentially a humongous toddler. The next caller told the guys he can’t get off without catching a finger in the booty from his old lady. A couple people on twitter said that they absolutely cannot make themselves burp, when the situation calls for it. Jason has been getting spontaneous boners ever since he stopped his anxiety medication. Someone else on twitter said that he can’t open a bag of chips without exploding the bag so he has to use scissors, and someone else can’t peel a banana without biting the top off first. There was another caller who couldn’t keep AM and PM straight, but if I had to take a guess I’d be inclined to believe he’s an alcoholic. A lady called in to report multiple injuries sustained from trying to take off a sports bra, so bad in fact that she’s had reconstructive surgery for soft tissue damage. Can’t take the cotton ball out of a pill bottle, opening tamper safe seals on things, taking flight on massive hot air balloon hands, can’t open Kraft singles, can’t peel an orange without juicing it, can’t use scissors, can’t take a shit without showering afterwards, can’t pronounce “statistics” or “adirondak”, can’t piss in public, can’t brush your teeth without gagging yourself and throwing up, all of these are things that average people have trouble with, even though they shouldn’t. And you wonder why I complain about humanity all the time?

YOU SIR, ARE A MORON with special guest Anahita Sedaghatfar, the really attractive defense lawyer who sometimes makes appearances on Dr. Drew On Call with Jason. According to her, all persian girls are gonna claim their virginity until marriage, but they’re probably hiding some special tricks that they’ve picked up in their travels of penis. But that’s beside the point, cause today, You Sir, Are a Moron is gonna be extra interesting cause Anahita is there to constantly present the defense attorney’s point of view on stuff. Up first, should parents have a set amount of time they’re allowed to leave a baby in a car? Well, every doctor will tell you no, and that you’re an unfit parent, but of course being a parent is hard work and unloading your kid just to pump gas or put change in the meter is a pain in the ass, so for the sake of real world situations, it’s probably not a big deal. Next, was justice served for OJ Simpson? Well, facts and logic dictate that no, no it was not, but he did get arrested for trying to steal a bunch of his own memorabilia, and the rest of us are paying the price for one of his Dream Team Lawyer’s daughters, who got famous off some black dick and now won’t get the fuck off of every TV channel and magazine cover. Next, what would you do if you saw someone slap their kid in the face in public? Now first, of course, you gotta at least WANT to hit that fucker back, but it’s important to know the whole situation and be aware of your surroundings so that you don’t lash out in uncalled for ways out in the world, but of course, a 3 year old would have to be some kind of Omen child to really warrant that kind of treatment, so stomping a dude out in the milk aisle is probably the right thing to do. Tully on the other hand, has been informed by his kid’s pediatrician that he should be spanking the hell out of Linsanity at every possible turn, else he may rise up more powerful than Michael could ever imagine and will usurp his kingdom of a fully paid off Honda Civic and co-host position at a popular afternoon talk radio show. Next, are black people better at sports? And the short answer is yes, due to genetic culturing during the slave days, however there’s a lot of things we’re calling “sports” nowadays that really don’t require much physical superiority over anyone else, so just for the sake of nomenclature, the playing field has been pretty much leveled. Next, should ladies shave their asses? Yes. If you disagree, well you’re just fucking weird. NEXT QUESTION are you obligated to fulfill your partner’s sexual needs as long as they aren’t dangerous or against the law? Well, fucking someone who’s on fire probably isn’t a good idea, but then again there’s probably laws against arson. That said though, it’s only an obligation if there’s legal paperwork drawn up, otherwise it’s just a matter of what everybody involved is comfortable with. And if you’re not comfortable with inflating a pool raft inside someone’s asshole while they sing the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge, well then it’s time to go out and find yourself somebody who likes your own particular brand of strange. Next, when is an acceptable time for a man to lay hands on a woman in anger? And really the only time is protecting yourself or your loved ones from immediate harm or death, but Anahita disagrees with this, but she is wrong and obviously has never had a guy protect her from getting knocked out in public (which is surprising, cause nobody likes lawyers, so it seems like it’s bound to happen or already have happened). Should prostitution be legal? Well, it works well in Amsterdam, but Anahita does not agree with that, under the pretenses that it’s a bad example in our modern, evolved society that still clings to archaic belief structures and institutionalized xenophobia. Somehow, she got on the tangent of how pot should also remain illegal, even though she’s OK with it and has a lot of her facts about the new Colorado weed legalization wrong, as well as about the actual substance itself, but hey, not her field of expertise. I could tell her how to get fucked up sideways in a matter of minutes, but if I needed to beat a speeding ticket, I’d be the one asking questions. Next, should polygamy be legal? And my answer is, only if you’re not doing it as part of a religion. That one guy who claimed it as part of the Mormon faith, then married off a bunch of underage girls, and molested a bunch of kids, and robbed the welfare system for millions of dollars to single mothers, and kept a bunch of people hostage in his mountain compound, that guy wasn’t OK. Folks from out where I live, who just like to mix it up, and have the same friends with benefits as their wife does, shouldn’t be a problem for anybody. It isn’t one for me. And finally, at what age should kids be given condoms at school? To which the logical answer is, flood the entire south with them from kindergarten to 15 years into the workforce. Immersion therapy, the rest of us got the message a long time ago. Let’s take a few minutes to simmer on all that, and get back to it.

You may be shocked to learn that people on social media were OUTRAGED that a little girl who got mauled by a pit bull and is kind of disfigured from it, got kicked out of a KFC because some other customer couldn’t continue eating due to this girl’s appearance. KFC, of course, will not really suffer in the long run cause fast food is the new “too big to fail” banking system, but it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who thinks the whiny customer should have just shut the fuck up and kept their opinion to themselves. A team of researchers used Wikipedia to try and figure out who the most important person in the world was, and you may be surprised to learn that the current pope is only number three, but (according to some formula that requires Wikipedia and a bunch of external web links) Frank Sinatra is number fucking one!!! It’s nice to know that the new crop hasn’t taken over yet with all their stupid bullshit and worthless human beings parading around as celebrities instead of underutilized organ farms. Starfish are liquifying themselves in Vancouver cause they’re probably just fucking sick of existing, as most seaborne creatures seem like they are. But on the plus side, it probably makes a fantastic organic lube, plus you can watch the limbs crawl away in terror as the central core dissolves. A law firm in Massachusetts that was really well known for forclosing on people’s houses, just got foreclosed on!!! CAN YA FEEL ME VAGINA!!! Tully was reading about the school district in Newark, NJ and apparently it’s a shithole out there to the point where sometimes the only books in the classroom are comics, and while it’s a great hobby and they have some true artistic value, there’s a lot of good information that they just don’t have. The guys took some final calls, and as much as I love you all, I got shit to do today, so I’m snapping this one off before it turns into a bloodshart.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Rude Jude

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/29/14

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/22/14

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/15/2014

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/8/14

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/17/14