Here is a collection of images I’ve created throughout 2013 where Ellis (aka @EllisMate) was the focal point. Enjoy.
Tag Archives: Jason Ellis
Show Recap for Thursday 12/19/2013
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From somewhere near Beverly Hills…it’s the Jason Ellis Show!!!! Woooooooooo!!!! And I am going to take the time to apologize if any of you reading this at some point go ‘she’s talking about shit out of order’ because life sucks sometimes and you listen to the show out of order and the SiriusXM app hates your life. Also, sometimes people call you instead of calling the fire department when the carbon monoxide alarm goes off. Because they’re stupid.
The show opened up today with the wise words of Ellis, “Heyyyyyy…welcome,” and I am sure that future generations will remember him as a great speaker and philosopher. But yeah, it’s one of the reasons that we love him, right? Anyway…he doesn’t usually get into the whole singing Christmas carols thing cause he’s a tough cool guy and tough cool guys don’t sing Christmas carols at preschool Christmas carol sing a longs. This morning Ellis and Katie met mummy at Tiger’s school for what was supposed to be a Holiday themed concert where Ellis would get to sit back and relax and listen to Tiger and a bunch of other four year olds sing Christmas carols and Hannukah songs and eat cakes, but it didn’t go quite as planned. First of all, Andrea had told him that there would be snacks there for consumption so he didn’t eat a lot of breakfast, but when he went to take some of the snacks a teacher (who was clearly drunk on the power of bossing around 4 year olds all day long) told him that he had to wait until after the performance and Ellis felt like a dick because he already had the plate in his hand. But whatever. Then, the parents assembled for the concert were informed that it would be less like a concert and more like a sing a long and Ellis groaned and said that he wasn’t going to sing, because he’s too cool for that shit. That lasted for about a minute until the kids came out and Tiger came up to him and told him that he wanted Daddy Ellis to come and sit in the circle with him and sing along. Ellis couldn’t say no so he handed the video camera over to Katie for her to capture the moment. And that’s when shit started to get awkward. It’s no secret that Ellis and his ex-wife actually get along and are friendly to each other, and that Katie is in on it also because she is awesome. Ellis sometimes gets weirded out by that since it will randomly occur to him that he has had sex with the two people standing next to each other and laughing at his jokes, but the awkward got pushed to another level when Mummy came to sit next to him and Tiger and carol along while Katie filmed them. Ugh. Ellis didn’t know what to say about that whole thing other than, “Well that was awkward,” but it seems that Katie took the whole thing in stride and didn’t cause a fuss about it. Tully points out that Ellis is lucky that he gets along with his ex, and that Katie gets along with her too, and that maybe he can have the best of both worlds and down the road it won’t be so awkward. Ellis agrees and says that time heals all wounds and while shit gets kinda awkward now, down the line it will probably be less so.
The other side of that same coin, are parents who have a baby together and break up or get divorced (because seriously, more people are getting knocked up out of wedlock than ever before) and then one parent starts a new family and treats the new kids like they are made of gold and treats their ummmm….old (?) kid like they have leprosy and are coated in a thick layer of dog poop. And yeah, Ellis and Tully both agree that if you do that, you are a dick bag. They talk mostly about the father’s being the ones who are doing all of the bad, and say that people like that are more evil than the assholes who are mean to everybody, because being mean to one of your kids in favor of your new kids with a new lady is next level evil shit and you should just have the worst shit happen to you at that point. Tully does touch on the fact that there are mothers that do it too, that it’s not always the men, and since you’re reading this you have to listen to my opinion/experience on the subject which is: yeah, bitches do it too, which to me is a little worse since that little person came out of you and I do deal with a baby momma from fucking hell and the worst part is that she doesn’t even have another kid yet. She couldn’t care less about her kid in favor of her fucking lame-ass boyfriend. So yeah, bitches suck just as hard, and sometimes it’s a little more next next level evil douchebaggery.
The guys also get onto the subject of old people having kids and how old is too old to have a baby, because people are pushing them out older and older these days. So, how old is too old? Ellis thinks that if you wanna have a baby you should prolly at least have a good twenty years left on this Earth so that you can play with them and impart your knowledge and get to watch them grow up for the most part. But, how can you figure on having 20 more years on the planet when we all know that tomorrow is never a guarantee? Tully says that yeah, you can’t say that you will definitely get through tomorrow, but you know around how old your relatives are/were when they died (and if you don’t know off-hand the information is generally pretty easy to come by) so there is a good yardstick for some guesstimation. There are a lot of risks with being older and getting pregnant- after some googling done by Jetta we learn that the incidence of having a baby with down syndrome, ectopic pregnancies, and miscarriages drastically increase- but if you want a baby, then (as a caller suggested) you just gotta roll with the punches because the reward is worth the risk involved. As for worrying about having a baby with Down Syndrome…what’s the harm in that? Ellis and Tully both think that babies with Down Syndrome are delightful, though there is definitely a lot more work and a lot longer of a parent commitment involved. Also, you can always adopt a baby if you’re older and too worried about the risk and too worried about your older body not bouncing back the way that it would have when you were 20, and there are tons of babies out there looking to be adopted and you will change that baby’s life for the better.
Back from the break we learn that people in Washington State are allowed to smoke weed legally and have been able to for over a year now. So yeah, that’s not really news…what is news is the mammoth amount of fucking weed the people in Washington State imbibed over the past year. It was estimated (I guess at the beginning of the year) that the residents number 6.8 million would consume approximately 85 metric tons of weed over the course of the year. Nope. Didn’t happen. What did happen was that Washington State residents used over 185 metric tons of marijuana. That’s more than double if you suck at math and were wondering, or 50 joints per resident (man, woman, and child) over the course of the year. Holy shit. They must be some happy, relaxed motherfuckers. No wonder they see sparkly vampires. In other news, Rude Jude, who we all know and love wrote a book and it has officially been released so you should probably go out and buy it!!! Wilson has read a few of the stories in the book and says that he is going to buy a copy even though he already got one for free, because Jude is awesome and his book Hyena will hopefully get on the NY Times Bestseller list with some help from Ellisfam. I know that I’m going to hit up the bookstore to see if I can land myself a copy tomorrow.
The guys also did assign some Wolfknives names and I’m generally really good at listing them all and doing a little welcome paragraph, but my listening was so fucked up today and I didn’t write them all down but the ones that I remember are Bo Jangles, God Satan, Maccordian, Dick-Fil-A, Low Carb Andy, Fish Lightening, and Electric Boogalou (thanks Hubbs). Welcome to the Wolfknives guys, and if I didn’t remember you and you happen to be reading this, feel free to leave a comment with your name so I can look at it and feel bad about myself (but not really:)
Back from another break, which may or may not have been before or after the previous break, we learn that a Calgary Man named Tom Crist who subscribes to play the lottery on a yearly basis actually won a $40 million jackpot, which is a shit ton of money that I would probably do really immoral things for. What is this Canadian going to do with all of that cash? Why, he is going to donate every cent to charity, of course, cause he’s Canadian and that shit would never happen in America. It is true that the man is retired after selling a multi-million dollar company and who admittedly has already made sure that he and his children are taken care of, but the real reason that this man felt compelled to donate this absurd amount of money was his wife sadly passed away two years ago after a battle with cancer, and he wants the money to go towards cancer research as well as benefit the hospital that she received her treatment at. His kids are cool with his decision too, which we know because one of them called the show. Seriously. And Ellis thinks no one listens. The son of a multi millionaire listens. His name is Robbie and he talked about how he’s a good boy, has punched a guy out of a bar for shit talking his girlfriend who is pregnant with his child, and couldn’t be happier that his father is donating the money and feels that it is what his mom would have wanted. It is easy to say that there should be more people like this man and his family in the world so we could finally achieve world peace.
Time for a highbrow segment…but first, Vanessa has Fauxnuts. Cumtard, who is now in the studio, has never had one before and Tully doesn’t want to tell him what it is before he tries it because he doesn’t want Kevin’s tasters to go in biased. Cumtard likes the fauxnut and Tully proceeds to tell him that it is an everything free donut and it’s good for you (or at least not as bad since it still has sugary goodness) but Wilson didn’t like it. Will clarifies that he thinks that they are okay- they are really good for a healthy food and not so good for a junkfood food. Listening to them eat fauxnuts made me want a donut. Will asks the guys if they had a billion dollars at what age Ellis and Tully would hand money over to their kids and how much money they would give them. Ellis said he would pay for his kids education for sure, and if they were going to college and not fucking around he would buy them a car, but beyond that they would have to commit to partaking in some ridiculous obstacle course which included beating him in a lap of something (that something being heavily weighed in his favor) if they wanted any more. At some point in all of this they also did Tard That Tune, and I’m pretty sure that it was around here somewhere since Will stayed in the studio. It was Tard That Tune Volume 3 and proved to be challenging, not only because Kevin decided to throw in a bunch of weird 80’s tracks, but also because for some of them he was too high to realize that the sounds he was making made absolutely no sense in the song. And yeah…his neighbors probably think that he is absolutely insane.
There is some talk about fucking old guys, but not just any old guys, FAMOUS old guys. Because I mean, if you’re gonna be a guy and fuck an old guy and you aren’t gay, then he should probably be famous. The general consensus after some discussion was that they would all fuck Sean Connery and they would brag to each other about it. Why? Probably because Connery is the bad ass of bad assery, he was James Bond, he pulls off being so old that his whole head is just patterned facial hair, and fucking him would kind of just make you more manly. Who are some of the rejects? Sir Ian McKellen was a big NO, Sly Stallone did not make the cut, neither did the governator, or Clint ‘My Face is Falling Off’ Eastwood. There was an argument to be made for Harrison Ford, because hello Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and Jack Ryan, but Tully feels like he got prematurely old and crotchety. Fuck you Tully, Harrison Ford basically tops my list for ANY celebrity I would fuck, young or old because he is fucking awesome. For the record I would also do Sean Connery. And Bruce Willis, but he wasn’t brought up cause he isn’t 70 yet.
The guys wrap up the show with a brand new segment that was so amazing it lasted over an hour and a half and became final calls and had everyone calling the show with stories about the dumbest things that they have ever done. Not…not dumb…straight up life-threateningly, fire hazard, ball ripping, dick slicing, car crashingly stupid. Tully opens the segment up with a tale from his adventures in cross country barefoot road tripping where he and his friends went hopping around Chicago looking to buy some weed. Long story short, he got mugged twice and probably should have been killed twice, but got to keep his wallet and a shred of his dignity as well as having an awesome story to tell for years to come. Wilson regaled us with the story of how he threw an M80 into an oil barrel in his father’s shop that was filled with flammable liquid and the resulting blow (after he peeped in to see what was taking so long) singed off his eyebrow, melted his eyelashes together, and straight up blew his eyeball into a big red mess with no decipherable pupil or iris. Kevin kept a journal as a 13 year old boy. Even more stupid than that he wrote about his first sexual conquest in excruciating detail and his mom found it. Ellis wasn’t really sure what the stupidest thing he has ever done was, but eventually comes up with the time that he punched a beer mug and sliced up his hands and needed stitches and then couldn’t straighten his arms or skate properly. The phones wouldn’t stop on this subject and it would take me a good hour and a half to share all of the gloriously stupid stories that people called in with, so I’m gonna only do a couple:
When Jordan was 13 years old he decided to do his mom a favor and install the electric can opener that had been sitting around unopened for a month. Wanting to test it out he tried it on the only can that he could find, which just so happened to be a can of spray paint. After he punctured the spray paint can it exploded all over the kitchen, including into an outlet, which set the kitchen and his arms on fire. The good news is that he managed to get the kitchen fire out all by himself, but he did wait until after the fire in the kitchen was out before putting his arms out and he wound up in the hospital for a few days with 3rd degree burns.
Clayton ran himself over when he was 16 and drunk. He first crashed his car into a ditch and telephone combo to avoid hitting another car. He returned to his buddy’s house rather than continue his 5 minute journey home, forgot to put his car in park, and when it started to roll toward his buddy’s house he decided to try and stop it with his body, getting pinned between his car and his pal’s house at 2 in the morning, breaking his leg.
Dennet exploded summercamp latrines at the age of 13 and managed to explode one into his face. So he set his face on fire and had scorched shit stuck to his face, in his mouth, up his nose, and in his eyes. All because the explosion was taking longer than usual, he didn’t wanna look dumb in front of his friends, and he stuck his face over the hole to see what was going on.
Wayne married the same lady three times.
A caller crashed his car off of a cliff while trying to run over a slug.
Another caller shot himself through the knee with a hollowpoint while cleaning his gun…drunk.
And Frankendick. Good old Frankendick. He tablesawed the base of his cock. Oh dear god.
Some things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:
It’s hard to know how loudly to sing Happy Birthday at little kid parties, unless it’s your kid
40 is not old enough to give up on your body
Ellis would adopt a kid if he were rich
There is hope for Ellis not being a suspicious character since he started therapy
TLC used to be The Learning Channel, but now it’s just TLC because it is totally devoid of educational value and is the home of Honey Boo Boo and the future home of Sex Sent Me To The ER
A 440lb man on Long Island fucked his girlfriend through a wall (and lost his virginity at the same time)
Cumtard needs to stick to one Metal band on his clothes at a time
Cumtard: He’s full of cum, he’s a tard, he eats his farts
Tully wants to start a mouth band
Science will one day make Nerds candy healthy
Kelly Lebroc got a DUI from eating chocolate liquors
Will’s attitude is in his face and Ellis doesn’t like it
Cumtard accidentally maced himself
Don’t play with fire while drunk
Don’t play/clean guns while drunk
Don’t drive while drunk
Don’t play with any sort of power/hand tool while drunk
TJES listeners have done some amazingly stupid things
Tully is betting on Humankind
Ellis wants gold nipples
Stay Positive
P.S. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year Ellisfam!!!! <3
and you know, belated Happy Hannukah, Merry Festivus, Happy Kwanza, and whatever else you fuckers are into like Yuletide and Ramadan, and…shit. Love you all!!!
Show Re-Cap for Monday 12/16/2013
Hi guys! I’m not drunk, really.
It’s that time again kiddies! No, not time for booger art, it’s time for Monday’s re-cap! No Dingo today, he’s caught a case of the cunties and is sick. Ellis was thinking if he was tiger faced man, more man than tiger – think like Tony the Tiger, he would have to save the world by fighting crime with a bulletproof vest. His kids would find it weird at first, but after they got used to it, maybe while having a bowl of Frosted Flakes, they’d be cool with it. Is it worth it? So Ellis could still have cancer because Dr. Creepy didn’t cut that lump off his face yet. And now his jaw is hurting. Tully is not on board the Ellis has cancer train, he thinks it’s all in his mind. Ellis did a lot of shit over the weekend, more horse riding on the tard trail on his big-ass horse. Apparently a lot of the old western movies were shot in Burbank, but Cheers was not, or maybe it was. Probably not though. Ellis also jumped his motozuki this weekend, so mark that one off the bucket list. It’s great to hear that his face lump isn’t slowing him down and he keep crossing things off his bucket list, you know, just in case he dies during his lumpectomy. Just kidding Ellis, you’re not going to die anymore than I’m going to be hilariously funny in this recap. Jude stopped in for few minutes and talked about how his podcast pal is a lyric snob and basically thought Jude’s rap on the Death! Death! Die! album was child-like. Wilson has a boo-boo on his arm and so he’s wearing a bandage to hide the cancer-stricken hideousness that is festering there.
OMG! Spiders! Eeeck!
I don’t even remember how, but somehow we got on the 9/11 conspiracy theory topic. Oh, wait, I remember now. It was Sluggo. Kenda called in to talk about the UFC fights that happened over the weekend and to say she hopes she’s never been put on the “ho phone”. You know, like one of the three Wilson carries around on him at all times. There were some good fights and they were all free, so that was cool. If you missed them, you should check out the reruns that are already playing. Or read about them on the Internet at www dot pee pee hole dot com dot au dot org. Anyway, you know how Kenda is always around the MMA events and dudes wanna take pictures with her? Get this, when some dudes go to put their arm around her for the photo, her shoulder goes right into their sweaty armpits. Think about next time you’re kissing on a chicks shoulder. It probably tastes like Right Guard and that’s why. Michael Buffer is out for Bruce’s (his brother) throat, to be America’s Next Top Ring Announcer. But according to a caller, Bruce practices in the nude, so that might make him indestructible. I like to pretend that when they’re mad at each other, they both use their announcing voice to insult one another. “Ladies and gentleman, turn your attention to the asshole in the kitchen, my fucking bitch of a brother!”
We’re gonna blow your mind!
Ellis and Wilson like watching their local news, mainly because Sam Rubin is on. Tully hates it because the pace and flow suck, not to mention the people reading the news are fucking clowns. Not literally penetrating or being penetrated by clowns, but acting like clowns. Actually, I take that back. They’re doing all of it. A Wichita news anchor accidentally let the viewership know that he was ready to get the fuck out of work. Who is that crazy-ass white boy with tattoos that isn’t Ellis? Who knows. Dude, is it gay if Ronnie Faisst put Twitch’s toothbrush on his dick, then Twitch brushed his teeth with it? Twitch responded by putting Ronnie’s toothbrush in his ass and then Ronnie brushed his teeth with it? It’s full of homoerotic overtones, but it’s more stupid than it is gay. Hey, are you into conspiracy theories? Like on a pack of Marlboro’s there’s “KKK” and “Horrible Jew” type shit? Then you’re most likely batshit crazy, but that doesn’t make any of that bullshit any less fun at times. Like rocks are actually soft and squishy, they just tense up when we touch them or that Lady Gaga is actually JonBenét Ramsey. Let those sink in and blow your mind! We got to hear from a lot of crazies, but the fun has to end at some point and more serious business matters need to be addresses, like handing out Wolfknives names.
Now that we blew your mind with conspiracy theories, let’s talk about another kind of blowing – glory holes. They are out there. Apparently it’s more common than most of us would tend to think. You ever go to the mall? Yup. Glory holes. You ever go to an adult bookstore? Of course, glory holes. Airports? Indeed. Glory holes. Rest stops? Oh hell yeah. Glory holes. Basically, you’ve probably been in close proximity of a glory hole. And let’s face it, that means you’ve made eye contact with many a man who loves to gargle the load of another man – because girls aren’t in men’s bathrooms. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it sure is an eye opener. I missed a few minutes of the show (looking to see if there’s a glory hole in my house) and when I came back, Will was talking about how it’s unconstitutional to keep the phone records of Americans. I have no idea how we got here, but here we are none the less. Talk turned to how peoples’ webcams and such have been hacked so others can watch / spy on you unbeknownst to you. That shit definitely happens along with many other scarier things, so keep that shit in mind next time your sitting in front of your webcam eating your boogers. Why did nobody come to Billy’s birthday party? Because the clown he hired for the entertainment had opened fire on a crowd of tourists in New York the previous week, before killing himself, which soured the whole occasion. OH!
The other side of the glory hole.
Show Recap for Thursday, 12/12/2013
Feed your obsession…
People tend to be super addicted to their phones, this is something we all know, but are you so addicted to your phone that you don’t notice there’s a mirror in your bathroom across from the porcelain pee-hole until you’re pooping without having that magic rectangle in your hands? Why am I asking this extremely gross question (because yeah, I’m a girl and I think it’s gross that people sit on the potty and play on their phones)?!?!?!?! Well, this morning Ellis was sitting on the throne taking care of business, when he noticed that there was a mirror across from him so he could see what his face looked like while pooping (I’m dry heaving over here) and do you know what? There’s a big freaking scar across his forehead that he forgot about!! The scar itself is a relic of a tragic (not really) dumpster accident, and Ellis is glad that he has a scar there ’cause he’s getting old and what better way to face getting old than with a face full of scars? Um…there is no way better. He’s probably going to be getting another scar soon, since he’s getting the lump growing on his temple hacked off. But that’s cool, cause, hey, scars. Scars are great, they tell stories, they make you more interesting to look at, and chicks dig scars, man. And yeah, Ellis really did open up the show talking about shit and getting old, how tomorrow is not looking as good as yesterday, and he doesn’t want his body to fall to shit. He’s waiting for old guy ass to set in, but at the same time he really wants to avoid old saggy guy ass for as long as possible. He probably has that shit on lock considering how much he exercises, though he didn’t exercise this morning, but rest assured he’ll be reppin squats like a mother fucker tomorrow. Tully chimes in saying that while you can’t really get around looking older, you can prevent yourself from turning into a puddle of flesh, and Ellis probably is doing better than the guys from Kids in the Hall who look like monsters in their photoshoots….even after applying make up.
Hey!!!! What the fuck is wrong with the TV? You know, the tv that we can’t see anyway? There’s something wrong with it and it’s really distracting Ellis and having no effect whatsoever on Tully since he didn’t notice that it keeps flashing off an on. Ellis tries yelling at Jetta and whomever else he sets his sights on about this, because it’s way beyond the ‘trying to work the kinks’ out of the new studio and is getting more into ‘this shit is just never going to all work at the same time’ territory. Will comes in and it turns out that there is something wrong with the cable, that it isn’t only the tv in their studio, and no- it isn’t a cable issue in the greater Los Angeles area, but localized to the SiriusXM studios somewhere near Hollywood. The tv gets turned off, for really turned off, and the problem is solved. Tully thinks that maybe the studio has already hit its peak in terms of pristine functionality, but at least they are on the air and we can all hear them. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear them since you are reading this to find out what happened…but…you know what I mean, stop being a bitch. :D Ellis really wants everything to work and be at its best because he wants everything to be good for the fans. It’s always all about the fans for him. He wants to be bigger and better constantly and TJES is not a place to sit idly by and be complacent. The formula is working out, he’s an accidental genius and Tully is an actual genius, in terms of radio show hosting, and he’s gonna keep pecking at the big guys in charge so that they aren’t forgotten about. Because, where is the Jason Ellis Channel? Not the one on the app…the one on SiriusXM? But whatever, it’ll happen, and Ellis and Tully are both happy to say that they really like working for SiriusXM (apply whatever level of sarcastic filter you desire to that statement).
Someone (@thegooser) sent Tully a link to an article which was a collection of the 31 best things that Kanye West has said in the year 2013, prompting Tully and Ellis to engage in conversation about the great West, who gets spoken about too much as it is and they are feeding the machine that is already bursting at the seams. Basically….Kanye West is a fucking dick asshole joke of a person who thinks that he is a god (and I’m sorry if you disagree with me and think he’s awesome) and goes about saying how awesome and god-like and egotistical he is and that it’s justified because he needs to be egotistical as a part of his artistic process. Tully is surprised that he read a bunch of dickish things that Kanye said and didn’t then see him as even more of a dick, but found insight into the kind of person that Kanye is and the force that drives him. I do agree with Tully and the parallels that he draws between Ellis and Kanye and how they both need to set the bar high for themselves so they can feel driven enough to try and make leaps and bounds over the bar…but I also have a great dislike for Kanye West and for anyone who thinks that they are better than other people. Yes, Kanye has done some great (?) things musically, but I do some great things in bed and you don’t hear me saying that I’m a goddess who needs to be treated as such by whomever I’m getting on my knees for… Whatever. Ellis and Tully do reach the conclusion that Kanye is, in fact, a dick, but they have a new understanding of the kind of dick that he is. And no, Kanye, Kim Kardashian is not one of the top 10 most beautiful women of all time. In fact, a good friend from the State of the Biggest Dicks (real ones, not personality ones…) assures me that she is not even top 50 in North Dakota.
Dunnn dunnn da-da-da-dunnnn….breaking news!!!! The bid to hang out with Ellis on charitybuzz.com is up to $13,000!! Holy shit!!! That’s insane!!!! It really is amazing and tops what the bid was last year, which was made by now good friend of the show Betsey, and Ellis wants to know if he’s winning. But, more importantly, he and Tully are really happy that they get to be a part of something that helps people- in this case, starving people. WhyHunger is gonna get over $13,000 and feed a whole bunch of starving children here in the US, all because Ellis is King of the West and that’s basically a bargain when you really think about it. What is Ellis going/willing to do with the highest bidder? Whatever they want. Sex? Hang? Whipping? You call the shots Mysterious Money Man/Woman who has bucks to blow (but not really blow cause, you know, charity) to hang out with Jason Ellis. Congrats. I’m really jealous. He humped me for free. Just sayin. And yes, Ellis had the highest bid.
The newly instituted rules and regulations for the Ellis brood have been working!!! Woooooooooo!!! Parenting Win!!! In case you, like the guy who calls in, missed what these new magical parenting tricks being implemented are it is as simple as laying out the rules, alerting the kiddies of the consequences to the broken rules (before they are broken), giving two warnings before consequences are enacted, and sticking to your guns with the consequences if and when the time comes. Ellis says that he is so happy with the way that it is working out, and Devin told him that she really enjoys that Daddy isn’t yelling all of the time. Everybody is happier, the kids aren’t pushing the boundaries because they don’t want to lose skateboards and ice cream and dolls, and that makes life just so much better. This weekend they will be going moto-ing and horseback riding, and Ellis thinks that if Devin enjoys the outing this weekend he may have the whole moto thing clinched with her, which would be awesome.
Tully had a great morning with the Little Dude which began with the Dude waking up at 4 in the morning and getting brought into bed with mommy and daddy with ChooChoo (Thomas the Tank) on the tv until everyone passed out again. Tully awoke a second time feeling refreshed (the kind of refreshed where, for a minute, you’re scared that you’re late for something) and found that it was 7:30 and the Dude and wifey were still sleeping. He got to wake up, stretch, and have a cup of coffee to himself before Little Dude awoke again. He tackle cuddled him, had a baby hand shoved in his mouth, and got to relax and have cuddles and appreciate that it was moments like this that are really what life is about. Awwwwwww. No sarcasm. Just heart swelling girlie awwww. Tully also informs us that Little Dude is no longer a baby (a glorified blob) and is definitely just the littlest kind of human there is now, because he looks like a person with normal, albeit tiny, proportions. He talks about the differences between Daddy play and Mommy play and how mommies and daddies play different roles (but equally important) in babies lives. Daddies drag toddlers around and play fight and make mommies nervous, which is something that often doesn’t occur to mommies, and he feels kind of bad for single moms out there doing it on their own. Ellis talks about how he does enjoy the whole shared parenting act from the perspective of being a 50/50 parent and not having the kiddies all of the time. It gives both him and his ex time to do their own thing and clear their minds, which is great, because missing the kiddies kind of helps you appreciate the time you have with them even more and get more excited to do things with them. Tully says that he does envy Ellis’ ability to have his own time, and also says that when the Little Dude gets a little older he’s sure he’ll be calling upon Ellis for advice and some of his newly acquired parenting skills.
It’s time for Ellis to spin the wheel because he lost his sorta bet with Tully about Tully receiving nudes from 10 separate females over the course of the show the other day (and I am really very surprised Hubbs did not send him my tata’s) and Ellis is gonna spin the wheel because he’s a man and a deals a deal. Round and round it goes, where it stops, nobody know-soh it stopped on #6. What is number 6, you ask? Ellis has to get farted on. Where is Kevin Kraft when you need him? Oh, apparently he’ll be around later, so, never fear!!!
Who’s Jordan Graham? Why does Ellis want to know? Well, he wants to know because he is going to (has already been, at this point) be on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and Jordan Graham is a topic to be discussed. So…who is she? Because, yes, Jordan is a she…and she is that girl who pushed her husband of 8 days off the side of a cliff and didn’t tell anyone about it for a while. Why does Dr. Drew want Ellis to talk about this? Because he prolly wants Ellis to say she’s ugly, or stupid, or he deserved it and stir the pot a bit because that right there is what we like to call good entertainment. Or Dr. Drew wants him to get stabbed. While they are talking about this, good old Wilson peeks his head in to inform everybody that the bride turned widow (at a rather impressive turnover rate) has plead guilty to Murder 2, which Ellis succinctly sums up as, so she admitted that she pushed him off the cliff and murdered him, but she didn’t really mean to. So, she’s gonna go to jail. And yeah, Tully is right, murderers should totally be harvested for their organs, because how bad are they really gonna need them in jail? Tully brings up the fact that a lot of women (am I right?) approach the whole marriage thing badly and fall into the trap of getting all caught up in the perfect wedding day and don’t focus enough on the ensuing marriage. It’s an issue because the wedding only lasts a day, and most likely it will not go off without a hitch, and a marriage lasts a lifetime…ish. A lot of women think that marriage is going to change something and make them happy, and fail to realize that marriage doesn’t magically make people happy. Marriage isn’t gonna turn your boyfriend/fiance person into a whole new and improved version of that person. It’s not gonna transform you into another person either. You’re still the same people living to all the same bullshit that was there before so you shouldn’t expect a ring and piece of paper to be a big game changer. Other topics that may be broached with Dr. Drew tonight include that 16 year old who only got probation for essentially murdering four people in a drunk driving accident because he was rich and had lawyers who successfully argued that he suffered from affluenza and therefore was too rich to know his consequences have actions. What’s the best way to show this kid that his actions have consequences? Obviously it’s not to punish him like any other fucking person would be punished in this situation, but to put him on probation. Tully says that he doesn’t think the kid is a monster because it’s hard to define a 16 year old’s entire character based on one bad decision, but doesn’t think it’s right that he was rich enough to get out of jail time. Ellis agrees- you fucking kill someone, you need to go to jail. Because yeah, this kid needs to go to juvie and learn a lesson, not go to a cushy rehab and be told that he has a problem and it isn’t his fault. Four people are dead. Their families lives are altered forever, and someone has to pay the piper. Please let there be an ensuing civil suit. There’s an update on Amanda Bynes who had a lovely descent into the crazy shithouse over the past year. She is out of rehab and is back living with her parents after losing her shit, being diagnosed with schizophrenia, and getting some treatment. She is on the road to recovery, interested in starting a career in fashion, and that’s just great because she seems like a delightful person to be stuck in a revolving door with. People are getting abducted in some town somewhere near to where Jetta is from and Ellis was trying hard to read the name by himself, but Jetta ruined it after being told not to ruin it and got yelled at a bit for being a moron. In all the sounding out and googling to try and figure out what is going on with this news story…Tully can’t figure out who is getting abducted or why, and neither can anyone else, but Vanessa’s hair looked great today.
Ellis takes this opportunity to talk some smack on the Samsung Galaxy phones and the little watches that sometimes go with them. Will says the watch is a useless toy, but then says that it does let him know what’s going on with his schedule, such as alerting him to the fact that guest Greg Fitzsimmons is in the studio today. Ellis thinks the iPhone is superior because he is an iPhone user and generally all iPhone users think that. He takes a call from a girl named Angel and asks her if when she goes out on a first date with a guy and he pulls out a Galaxy does the guy in question get knocked down a peg. After a moment of thinking Angel says that yeah, a guy loses points when he pulls out a Galaxy instead of an iPhone. I’m pretty sure the sound of twitter exploding was heard ’round the world and many wondered why, and the phone lines lit up at the good old Jason Ellis Show studio. Yeah, the Android vs. iPhone debate is probably taken more seriously and argued more vehemently than Republican vs Democrats, and that is a sad sad fact of our culture. Girls with Galaxy phones call, girls with iPhones call, guys with Galaxy phones call, and everyone weighs in about which is the better phone, even though that’s not what Ellis was asking. He was asking which phone girls think are cooler. I am going to call bullshit on the caller who said her Galaxy fits in her lady sized pants pocket. Total bullshit. My iPhone, which is smaller, does not fit in any of my pockets, especially not the front ones. And seriously, if you judge a person based on their phone…go seek professional help or go get sterilized, because you are a part of the problem and we don’t need your progeny.
After the break the guys are joined by comedian Greg Fitzsimmons. And I am going to apologize to you now, because it was painful for me to sit through this next hour of show where they caught up on random bullshit and swapped random stories and Ellis was super excited, but, to men, it was like listening to a couple of guys who sort of knew each other but weren’t great friends catching up on whatever random tidbits of their lives occurred since they last awkwardly caught up with one another. I was tuned in and I swear to all that is Bunnies that I took four and a half fucking pages of notes during the hour or so that they talked…and guys…I got nothing. Hubbs put it this way, “Yeah, they talked a lot, and it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. There was some funny stuff in there.” Agreed. They talked about rap, rock and roll (Rolling Stones vs Beatles vs ACDC), bad tempers, being passionate, ex wifey beating Ellis up, right wing assholes, and podcasts. Feel free to hate me for not getting into the nitty gritty detail here, but that’s all I’m giving you, tweet me your hate @jennimazky if you feel the need, or request pics of the 4 1/2 pages of notes I took. You can enlarge them on your computer or zoom in on your phone…I have immaculate fucking handwriting.
Before final calls Tully rejoins the show with an article about an Indianapolis man who was arrested for coptering his cock at two random ladies, who he also may have been trying to abduct, that some lovely listener (FUCKING ME BITCHES) sent his way knowing that Ellis and Co are big fans of the act of swinging their cocks around copter style. And then the person who won the Why Hunger charity auction called the show!!! His name is Justin and he donated over $13,000 to hang with Ellis and feed starving kids. Good on you, Justin!!!!!!!!!! When asked what he wants to do with Ellis he responds that he wants to take Ellis and his fam to a Kings game, which is really wonderful, but I think he’s not getting the fact that Ellis wants to do something for him after he spent $13,000 to hang out with him….which buys a lot of candy bars. Whatever they wind up doing, I am certain that we will hear about it, because Ellis lives his life on the radio. Another round of applause for Justin and his vat of awesomesauce. Wilson has the new intro Ellis requested which was pieced together with soundbytes from yesterday’s show courtesy of Angie Stevenson, her sister and her friend, as well as Will, and Ellis likes it, but it’s not quite there. I’m sure that will be worked on and it will be pristine before we know it. A guy named Sean who has a baby face and wants to be a cop in Cali drops by the studio and Ellis and Tully make pig jokes at him while they can still do it without getting arrested. Kevin Kraft is woefully devoid of flatulence and it looks like Ellis will have to wait until tomorrow to be farted on, because if Kevin goes for it today, in all likelihood, he will get sharted on. And before it’s time for someone to not die, Tully shares that the man who was doing fake sign language for 3 hours are Nelson Mandela’s memorial service has been identified, but still no one is really sure how this guy got the gig. The guy does, in fact, know how to sign, however he reports suffering from a schizophrenic break and hallucinations of angels during his time and that’s why he was signing nonsense. No one is sure how this man got the security clearance required to stand right next to not only our president, but basically all the fucking world leaders, because the people who hired him have vanished into thin air. Oooooookaaaaaaaayyy. Who’s trying not to die? His name is Jerry and no, he is not going to do a recap of the show (good move, Jerry, good move) but he is going to sing a jaunty little tune about his, and everyone’s favorite wookie Chewbacca, on the hunt for intergalactic nookie. Well played.
Things we learned on the show today:
Tully may be getting older, but his feet still look great
Tully is attractive to black women
Ellis always tries to be thankful to the little people…until he gets angry with them
There’s a new Wolfknife Military Hoodie that is super sweet
Betsey sent Ellis the biggest chocolate bar he has ever seen
Ellis can’t touch his own back because his biceps are huuuuuuuuge
You can scare a pack of wolves away with Megadeath’s music
Tully & Ellis relate more to cats than to abductors
Fuck you if you’re trying to get Ellis to look at ‘the bright side’ of things
Different Cultures prefer different sized phones
Ellis’ face falls off if he doesn’t get enough sleep
Greg Fitzsimmons has a bad temper
Revenge is the sweetest thing next to pussy- Tupac- who then was murdered
Ellis has no savings in the bank
Greg Fitzsimmons plays ice hockey, paddle tennis, golf, and beach volleyball
Comedians and writers getting high and bouncing a ball over a net does not constitute a sport
Ellis needs a podcast
New Yorker’s secret to longevity- don’t make eye contact
Ellis follows a certain etiquette when sending a dick pic to the people he bests
Final callers: don’t ask Ellis what he’s up to…you know what he’s up to
Susan Boyle has Aspergers and the voice of an Angel
Tully has to go see Santa
Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 12/11/2013
BOOM! First paragraph and I’m killing it! Or not.
Welcome to Wednesday, welcome to this thing, and it is indeed a thing. Lets put you in the right mood before we start. First off, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently menstruating. How am I doing so far? Good. Secondly, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently married to Wilson. Am I right? Good. Finally, I’m willing to bet most of you reading this are not currently still reading this. I knew it! Okay, now we’re ready to begin. Ellis learned something new today, he be all like “oooooooohhh” instead of just being like “yeeeeeaaaaaahhhh” and that’s going to change the face of your face and the button bar’s face. Some caller said he rolled his car while listening to the show, a couple of tense moments as we didn’t hear from the caller – we all thought he was dead, but then a miracle happened! He remembered he called into the show and then he spoke! AMAZING! SCIENCE! WIENERS! Dingo’s not here today, but he kind of is because he knows what everybody is doing at all times. Tully went to have drinks last night with an old pal, after three drinks he began to question what the fuck he was doing – I call it having a good time. ~Kid Rock He doesn’t know what else to do when just hanging out. He refuses to meet anyone for a coffee after dark, which I fully agree with, that’s a negative Ghostrider. Tully might have also cracked a mystery puzzling the entire world, Ryan Seacrest may indeed be gay. Ellis had a meeting last night with a production company about TV shows, I assume TV shows he’ll never be given a chance to be in, even if they are his own. They talked about the idea of Ellis Mini-Moto Mania, mixed with a TUF style elimination set of rounds. So now that’s the show they’re going to pitch and Tully will now be a part of since he thought of the good part.
Sign language ain’t so hard.
You know Nelson Mandela died, right? Yeah, well, some dude pretending to use sign language during the memorial was there. Not doing anything even remotely close to sign language. This guy is basically going around trolling services with his fake sign language, and for that, I salute you Mr. Big Fat Phony Sign Languager Guy. Tully’s had enough being condemned to a chair by the man, he tested out his idea of pacing around the studio while talking. Manny Pacquiáo might be broke as shit, which would make sense because he’s a Filipino and as we all saw from that typhoon, the entire country lives in metal shacks. While waiting for some big wieners and some hot buns, they killed some time by handing out a few Wolfknives names to new members. To properly do this, Ellis joined Tully in pacing around the studio, which I supported by pacing around my office while writing this – thank you technology and legs and you too feet! Metallica became the first band in the history of the world to play on every continent on Earth, even Antarctica.
Wait. We’re talking about hot dogs?
Finally. WIENERS! Angie Stevenson, her sister, and one of her hot friends came in bearing gifts, the gift of wieners. She runs a wiener truck that makes the claim “The biggest wieners and the hottest buns” so we shall see if they live up to the hype. You may also remember her from the Taintstick video Apple Juice, or maybe you know her from her porn days as Angie Savage – you dirty little masturbator. Side note, Ellis has boinked Angie, allegedly of course. She says they’re trying to make it wholesome brand, which I suppose shaking your tits and ass at sixteen-year-old and overloading on the sexual innuendos could be considered wholesome. This is ‘MURICA, damn it! So without further tits ado, the guys had the wiener girls and wiener boy (Wilson) help make an intro for the show. It was a little painful to hear one of the chicks try to stammer out words, but Wilson’s bits really smoothed out the rough edges, especially his German gaping voice. Then we went to break so everyone could fill their wholes with some meaty wieners and relish in the deliciousness of a premium tube of meat by products.
Leaving the wiener bit behind.
We came back with some news about a drunk driver whose lawyer successfully got his client off. To something. I don’t know. Christian Hand is in studio, which makes sense because it gave him a chance to run into hot chicks. But he also has some Grammy nominations, none of which include Death! Death! Die! So who is up for a Grammy this year? I don’t fuckin’ care, go check it out for yourself, ya lazy fucker! I will tell you this though, it’s no wonder I don’t give a shit about the Grammy’s, because every track they played (with the except of a few) was fucking terrible. I don’t know why people listen to this shit, much less vote on it. Also, Tully has an inner eleven-year-old girl inside of him. Hey, some church members were actin’ a fool, if you can believe that. Who could play Ozzy in a movie about Ozzy / Black Sabbath? Mel Gibson? Glenn Danzig? Bert McCracken? Kelly Osbourne? Who knows.
An Australian fisherman was fishing, as you’d expect, he dropped his beer in the river, fished it out and drank it. Yeah, he got sick as fuck with a large mass of shit protruding from his stomach. He had surgery to have it removed, which left him with an even larger bulging stomach, so another surgery was done. Guess what? That bulging stomach shit came back, he had surgery again and it just keeps coming back. Ah, that’s a piss’a mate. Remember how Dingo was pissed off at that hack Beacher from Beacher’s Madhouse? Turns out he snubbed the Dings when Miley invited him into the club, the Dinger wasn’t allowed in, mate. That’s cause for war in La La Land. Black people are jealous of white people because tattoo colors show up better are us crackers. White people are jealous of black people because they’re better at damn near every sport and they just tend to look way cooler no matter what they’re wearing. Did you know Shoebox pulled a Church of Haden when he saved a man’s life, choking on a chicken bone, by giving him the Heimlich maneuver? Nobody knew, because hero’s don’t go around flaunting their heroics. Sounds like Death! Death! Die! playing at a club after the AVN’s might not happen because of shady motherfuckers who are all shady and shit, but nothing is 100% yet. And that, my friends, is today’s show and today’s wienercap. A horse walks into a bar, the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse accidentally runs into a few things, shits on the floor, and then leaves. OH!
What does my face look like when I cum?