2014

Posted on April 28, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Taking stupid to new levels!

Sexual degenerate Jason Ellis is live! But let’s not fuck around here, we got some serious news to get into. MLG and ESPN have teamed up for the first-ever e-sports event at X-Games in Austin, Texas. That’s right, the world of action sports has been so diluted now that button pushing video gamers will now have a chance to win an X-TREME BRONZE, or a REALLY X-TREME SILVER, or the all mighty REALLY SUPER DOUBLE X-TREME GOLD medal in the X-Games. Ah yes, people will remember where they were at when Jimmy Pisspants pulled off the first ever “trash talk you mom, B, A, B, A” button combo! Remember that one time that video game character died and got tea bagged by another video game character? Riveting. Ellis is heated about this and refuses to go to X-Games. Dingo, being the savvy investor he is, understands the bold move but also thinks it’s pretty funny. Tully agrees that fine, people can be into video games and watch other people play video games, but the combination doesn’t belong or work together. This topic took up the entire first hour of the show, which is understandable due to the nature of the channel, the show, and Ellis & company.

Dingo’s reaction to Kenda calling in.

Before the show could go into break, Kenda Perez called in with this past weekends UFC bouts in Baltimore. Overall, the fights were pretty good. Two quick side notes here. 1. Ellis had a dream about Rhonda Rousey where she wouldn’t let him train at her gym but held his hand while she told him this, so that’s sweet. And 2. Dingo needs a potty break, but toughed it out since Kenda was on the phone. Anyway, Jones once again defended his title, this time against Glover Teixeira. Phil Davis lost his fight against Anthony Johnson. Some dude with gauges in his earlobes fought with his gross jump rope earlobes taped up so a finger or toe wouldn’t accidentally get caught in there rip that shit. Oh, and this 5′ 11″ chick fighter dressed in all green looked kinda like a female Jolly Green Giant – also, she lost her fight. Anyway, I’m not reporting all that, you can go online to read what all happened if you haven’t already seen it. And that lead us into the first break where Dingo could go potty.

An alleged peek into Hardcore’s flat last night.

Moto news time. Villopoto won and seemed like he hated it and he’s still on top of the overall standings. Eli Tomac took 2nd, and Josh Hill took 3rd. James Stewart withdrew from the race with an apparent injury to his left leg, allegedly. That pretty much wraps up the season, even though there is still 1 more race to go. Hey, did you see that piece of shit dad who was caught on tope kicking his 6-year-old son down a skateboard ramp? Pretty fucked up. We got to hear some HateBean tracks today. We also got to ask how everyone is doing today and thankfully everyone seems to be doing very well, except for Hardcore & Cumtard – he’s a little cranky today. Ellis tried to whip him back into a good mood, but Cumtard feels like he received mixed messages during the motivational talk. I don’t know how the message could be mixed. I mean, “Tell yourself you’re worth a fucking shit, you stupid bag of retarded cum.” seems pretty clear to me. HEYOH! Anyway, the guys all spent about 30 minutes giving advice and pep talks to Cumtard and his mental & physical health. So why is Hardcore all cranky? He’s got girl problems son. He doesn’t really want to discuss it, but he did admit that he slept on the couch last night and when he woke up this morning, they didn’t say a word to each other and he just went to work. As we all know, that means you’re wrong – even if you’re right – you’re still wrong. He’s gonna have to bite the bullet on this one and stop being stubborn. And this took us into our second break for the day. Hour and half segments today, there’s just TOO MUCH SHOW!

Looks like she has a drinking problem.

And we’re back! Next week the show is going to do a “worst music on YouTube” segment that you can help with by sending in links to said horrible music to the show. That does not include the video I sent into the show called “Shit Don Frye Says”. Turns out Don’s a little creepy, but he’s also pretty funny. And insane. And tough as hell. And he don’t give two shits who the fuck you are, he’ll talk shit on ya. So the owner of the LA Clippers, Donald Sterling, has been caught on tape with a racist rant. Supposedly only 15 minutes of the audio was leaked, but there is over an hour’s worth of this audio, allegedly of course. What makes it really odd, I mean, besides his clear racism, is that his girlfriend is half black and half Mexican. Also, gross. He’s got old balls. I missed a few minutes after that because I’m sought after fellow for my sage-like advice and wisdom. HA! When I came back, there was talk about acid and some dude getting some harsh jail time. This led us into talk about brain steroids, aka Adderall, and how them pesky college kids are doing that shit up. And this in turn brought about a story of Ellis getting a massage in Thailand from this lady who smoked some meth before getting to work on the massage. Apparently Dog The Bounty Hunter hasn’t been to Thailand because the ice is flowin’, son! Oh yeah, and there’s some discussion going on with Ellis’ manager and the possibility of EllisMania 10 and possibly SpikeTV! Dingo surprised the show with gifts and it’s not even Christmas, he gave everyone some Beats by Dre headphones. We left off with some final calls, where a lady-boy from Taiwan was happy to be able to smoke crack with Mr. Jason Erris and say how much they miss him. So there ya have it, a nutshell. So to speak. And now it’s time I bid you farewell, until we meet again. If you catch my drift. BONER JAMS 2014!

Show Recap for Thursday 4/10/2014

Posted on April 10, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Is this pen gonna work? No? How about this one? Nope? Fuck. Dammit. I hate this pen. Uggghhhh…I need new pens so bad. Blah, blah, blah, this one will work, I guess. <3 <3 <3
Because, according to my notes, that is how the show started today!!!! In actuality…welcome to the recapiest recap of the recapable recapacapacap written by a lady wielding a vagina this week of The Jason Ellis Show!!! You’ve missed me!!! You know it!!! So many things have happened on the past couple of Thursdays, except not, because there was no show just some Best Of and you came to this site neeeeeeeding to see the beautiful words that I write and you were left wanting. I know. The horror. That’s probably why I got so many new followers on instagram without needing to post pictures of my butt or put copious amounts of cleavage in my avi. Yeah, I know, I know what goes on.

But really this time.

Welcome to your favorite site of recaps that has ever existed for The Jason Ellis Show! Ellis opened up the show today talking about how he has one microphone stick that says ‘host’ and another one which says ‘God’ and that’s a lot to live up to, but Ellis gets down with pressure and he is up for the challenge, so fuck you! Probably. Because, you know, there’s a lot of shit that you come up against in life, like being young and having to blow some people and your bones coming out of your arm, and while they may not have expressly happened to you, everyone has their shit stories (and if you don’t you’re either lying and we all hate you, or you live a charmed life and we’d all hate you if you weren’t so awesomely charmed) and you have to suck it up and keep on going. I don’t really know if Ellis got to that part of the message, but that’s the message he’s always throwing out there and I was driving by this point and that’s what I’m saying, so feel free to take it as gospel. From an atheist. Boom. Mind blown.

Anywhoooo…all of this talk of shit going down in your life and it being scary as shit having your bones come out of your arm (that almost happened to me when I was 8 and even being on the brink of having bones splinter and erupt through your flesh is pretty goddamn terrifying) snowballed into talk about scary movies and scary things and how the horror genre has made the shift from the Saw-based realistic (sort of) horror to the more supernatural horror movies that we have been getting over the last few years like…uh….I keep seeing a preview for Oculus which looks supernatural and terrifying….so that is my example. I don’t watch horror movies because my life has been horrific enough and I was scarred for life by Jason Goes to Hell when I was about 6 years old (seriously…I was present during a conversation about Michael Meyers about 2 years ago and I had nightmares about him for a week…it was a conversation…I didn’t even watch the fucking movie) and basically even the worst, non-scary movie out there will give me anxiety attacks for a month. I feel like I’ve said this before to you guys who are nameless and faceless and reading this, so, if that’s true…sorry for the re-hash of a re-cap…but it’s applicable, so fuck you at the same time…kind of. Ellis enjoys the ‘it can actually happen’ horror movies as opposed to Tully who likes the supernatural horror movies, because Ellis wants to see some movies where big wild animals like Lions, and Tigers, and Bears (oh my!) are walking around chewing on a still struggling Dorothy as opposed to linking arms with her and singing and dancing their way to Oz…because that shit is frightening for realsies. Tully explains that he prefers the supernatural horror because he, in real life, would get locked into a cage with a lion and be resigned to his fate and not surprised at the prospect of the lion attacking and mauling him to death, but he doesn’t really know how he would react if the supernatural forces out there were out to get him and tear him limb from limb with their supernaturalforciness. I get that. Either way…I’m not fucking watching. So there.

On the supernatural wave we shall surf further and talk of shadow people that Will saw as a child, and no- he was not referring to black people, he was talking about some sort of oogly-googly ghosties that would send Shaggy and Scooby Doo scrambling for the comfort of the nearest hilarious object to hide in. And even still speaking of the supernatural…how come the guys from those Ghost Hunter television shows were never contacted about having Ellis on their show? Wilson, where are you? Oh, wait, what’s that? They were contacted and they seemed none too eager to have a potentially adversarial person who doesn’t believe in the supernatural at all on the show? Oh. Well. Oh….jerks. It would have been entertaining. We all know by now that Ellis has absolutely no belief in the supernatural because he’s been all over the world and on all sorts of drugs and the closest thing that he’s ever come to a supernatural experience is when he put a can of Sprite down and it shimmied its way across the coffee table…but he kept his cool and did some googling…and it was from the condensation, guys, so calm down. Tully is pretty skeptical regarding the whole supernatural thing…I remember him briefly talking about an experience with a tape recorder or something and relating it to his own unknown psychic energy (except when he explained it, it didn’t involve the words psychic energy at all and sounded way more plausible) so I really think that he could go either way when confronted by the whole supernatural thing, which is why he is more scared by horror movies that are supernatural in nature. And I’m soooooo over typing out the word supernatural. Moving on, there was talk about Sasquatch and how they can’t exist, and people still think that they exist, and getting a budget to pull some wicked awesome squatch pranks on unsuspecting people.

Back from the first break, Tully tells us that there was a 63 year old woman in Tathta, Australia went for an annual swim with some other swimmers and never returned. Going from the news story he was reading, Tully told us all that no remains had been found and no one was really sure about what happened to the woman, other than she had apparently perished at some point during the swim, which is a pretty normally swam route, and they made a couple jokes about her being the weakest of the pack singled out and she was probably gotten by a shark. Well…good guess, guys, cause the news story that I turned up and linked to says that, yeah, a shark got her. Ellis informs us, his avid listeners, that shark attacks are on the rise because of everyone being bad to the environment, so you better watch the fuck out or you’re gonna get eaten by a shark. Get green or get dead is the sage advice that Mr. Tully bestows on us…and yeah…I’m never going into the ocean again. Except not, because I live on an island and the beach is where I like to live during the summertime. Al Gore apparently is a frisky fuck when it comes to massages and is always out for a happy ending, but never goes to any of the places where a happy ending is part of the package, and I don’t remember how that part of the conversation came about…probably something to do with the environment talk…but…there you go. On to more water creatures, Tully shows Ellis a video that he was turned on to by Justin and Maya (the people who donated oodles of money to hungry kids for the chance to hang out with Ellis) that showed killer whales chasing a boat which sounds like it could be a plot to a B-Horror Movie , but it was just a video and no one died, which is very unlike a horror movie. All’s well that ends well.

Ellis then gets talking about how he was listening to Faction this morning and he heard Rick Thorne spew a quick promo for The Jason Ellis Show, to which Ellis took extreme exception to. Why? Because he is being promoted as a pro-fighter/skateboarder and that’s not how he wants to be portrayed. Like. At. All. Why? Because he had one pro fight and he’s been retired from skateboarding, like, forever, and why can’t he just be called a radio host? Will comes in to explain that the couple of words are supposed to pique people’s interest who haven’t heard of the show anymore…and he and Ellis go back and forth with Ellis saying he would rather not promote the show at all (which is probably not his best idea ever) but if he had to, he wanted to be able to approve the way that it’s promoted (which is a much better idea and completely reasonable). Bitpimps was blasting my twitter feed with all of his hilarious succinct TJES descriptions and callers tried calling the show to put their two cents in…but the winners of the non-game were Tully with Extreme Punchmaster Jason Ellis, Jason Cupcake Ellis, and The Radio Boomerangatan Jason Ellis, and @sharkchucker with Sexual Degenerate Jason Ellis. Lmao. Way to go Sharkchucker. I personally agreed with @serutti who described it as ‘the best show that you aren’t listening to’ and was all ‘squeeeeeee’ that they got some TJES time, because I’m a geek like that and I go ‘Hey, I know them!’ They watched a couple of more videos including one where a guy and girl where high on Salvia, which is some sort of drug, and the bitch sounded completely from another planet because of it and did the ‘chick thing’ (according to Tully) where she got so high that she needed a hug. Yeah. I do that when I get too drunk. I need hugs. I get it. It’s annoying. They take a break here and I’m not making it a separate paragraph because back from the break they watch a video of an interview done in 1994 with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley where Paul Stanley won the respect of Tully by calling out Gene Simmons on his bullshit and which, if you didn’t listen to the show, you should go and check out, because it was pretty epic.

Guest! Guest in the studio! And oh boy what a guest because it was CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI and if that isn’t really his middle name he should have it changed!! Yes, that’s right, Christopher Meloni of Law and Order SVU Detective Elliot Stabler fame and new show Surviving Jack which airs Thursdays on Fox at 9:30pm fame was on The Jason Ellis Show…and I am such a nerd that I am going to say that that’s because THE JASON ELLIS SHOW IS THE BEST GODDAMN SHOW OF ALL TIME FUCK EVERYONE ELSE HOLY CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI!!!!!!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh my God, oh my God…this was the most exciting thing to me everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (yes, of course talking to Ellis and Tully killed it and so did hanging with Jude…but CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI, guys) and I was so happy and I loved the interview because he has such a sexy man voice (can you tell I love a guy with a great voice ::cough cough:: Jude ::cough cough::) and I did manage to pay attention and be squeaky happy and laugh out loud probably way more than was necessary. I’m not going to say it was the best interview to ever happen on the show because I’m not that insane or blinded by my love of older men…but it was a solid interview. Ellis got to talk to Meloni about loving Detective Stabler, how Ellis was in a movie and sucked at acting, and Meloni got to plug his new sticom, Surviving Jack. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship, even though Ellis thinks he pissed him off by being so gaga over Stabler even though Stabler hasn’t been on SVU in a while. But, seriously, let’s face facts, there’s no such thing as Law and Order SVU without Stabler…that show is, for all intents and purposes over. I encourage you to to listen to the interview on demand as my recap of the interview was basically me fangirling out of my face. Christopher Meloni wants to be on Children’s Hospital, is a dad, is fit, and is a hero to black people because he was Detective Stabler, and he is all for gay rights, called Johnny Depp ‘a cool cat’ (and I for real swooned because no young person calls anyone a cool cat), and…yeah. Yeah. No, I haven’t watched his new television show because I don’t watch tv anymore (except for The Walking Dead, The Following, and cartoons) but I may check it out on demand at some point because Meloni is a walking sexpot so far as I’m concerned. Yeah…like I said, check it out on demand because CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI.

After another break Katie is in the studio and she did the workout and the intro lines and she sounded sexy and wonderful and of course this is what Ellis should have done from the beginning. She went through the script twice and did a buttload of squats and…I wish I were cool enough to think that I could be in a position to want to be friends with her…but I’m not…so I prefer to just admire her from a distance and be like ‘i wish i were cool enough to want to be friends with her’. I love Katie. I love when she’s on the show, I love her instagram pics and her tweets…I’m a good stalker. The time that I commented on one of her pics and she commented back is a moment that I hold near and dear to my heart…it was like a year ago and I have yet to forget it. I don’t have a girl crush on her…but I really like her and think that she’s great. My crush is on @nikoort and I’m not afraid to say it. Boom. Anyway. After Katie does the workout and the intro they take a quick one song break to regroup and so she can catch her breath, and it’s time for the end of the show and some final calls. Ellis and Tully talk to a guy named Adam over skype who wants to be part of the biggest loser fight at EM10 and Ellis tells him that if he loses the most weight then he will find someone for him to fight. Also…anyone who’s trying for a biggest loser fight spot is the winner if they’re really going for it…because they are looking to better their lives and are gonna get more in shape and live longer…so woooooooooooo!!!! Final calls actually weren’t all that horrible and were interspersed with Ellis, Tully, Katie, Cumtard, and Wilson trying to come up with tortures for the Dice of Doom (basically the torture wheel on dice) and it all culminates with Cumtard getting karate kicked in the neck by Jason. Boom.

Things we learned on the show today (you missed this, admit it)

Tiggie saw Paranormal Activity 4 and has nightmares from it thanks to the bad thinking of Ellis’ ex brother in law :(

Will Sees Dead People

CumTard is back to pooping turds instead of rocket sharting diarrhea

Tully thinks Swamp Scottie is a character and not a real person

Group MMA Team Fighting is a really bad idea

#MadRespectPaulStanley

CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI

Christopher Meloni doesn’t scare black people at intersections…black people lurve him

Part of being in love is being afraid of losing the other person

Lemmy from Motorhead is a toadface and super unattractive sexually…but still fucks a lot of bitches

Tyler Posey ate at Chik-Fil-A, Ellis called him, TyPo took the pic off Instagram, and it was all no big deal and now TyPo knows not to eat there

Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new movie bombed…but it will surely be a cult classic

“You know I’m not lying when I say Motherfucker” – Jason Ellis

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/7/2014

Posted on April 7, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Tie-dye is coming back? It’s only a matter of time until crispy, crimped 80’s hair comes back too.

It’s fucking Monday, you motherfuckers! Let’s fucking see what the motherfucking show has for us motherfuckers today. Well, the fucking white boy is back intro is back in rotation, which I think is a good thing and so does motherfucking Wilson Pendarvalis. Fucking tie-dye has apparently come back, according to motherfucking Dingo and Tully – Tully even saw that fucking shit at the motherfucking Gap. Alright, fine. I’ll scale back on all the “fucking” and “motherfucking” – for now. Dingo didn’t realize Ellis had already spilled the proverbial beans on their make-out session from last week while they were at the Chateau Marmont. Oh la-la! I don’t how this guy ends up being a topic on the show as much, but Sal Masekela talk came up. I don’t even know why or how he fits into the divorced chicks & people kissing other people at the Chateau conversation, but there ya go. Since Ken Block & his wife were there, inevitably, we heard about how rich he is and nobody really knows how he’s still so rich, and he has a waterfall and hot tub and shit. This beget discussion about Ellis MiniMoto Mania and how even though it’s meant as a PG-13 event, there’s no promises a titty or a “fuck” isn’t going to be making an appearance at some point. Super dad weekend sounds like it went off pretty well, Devin even kept her word and rode even though she was really hesitant and had a few freak out sessions. But she did it and that’s what counts! Oh, and she’s okay with shit now too. Ellis almost pulled Fifty’s head off because he kept fucking with Tiger and being a dumb dog. He also ran over Burger because she’s a dumb dog too and tried to bit the tire of Ellis’ bike. The first hour was filled all kinds of information (such as Dingo’s “friend” named Stephanie), stories, and what-not. But the main thing I would like to bring attention to is the fact that Dingo did not speak over anyone in the first hour. So shout out to the man with the luscious locks! He’s becoming quite the radio professional.

Contrary to what you might think, this is not Dingo meeting people.

What’s Nick Lachey up to these days? He and his wife Vanessa Minnillo left their 18-month-old son at home for a quadruple date with friends where the group ordered red snapper tacos, celery root ravioli, chicken and waffles and warm donuts for dessert. This mega-breaking-story could only be trumped by one thing and one thing only. And that is the fact that Dingo has met Vanessa before. The guy has literally met everyone. Actually there’s another Dingo story we need to discuss. He went to a taco festival Saturday, came home and cough-vomited all over his balcony. Speaking of cough-vomit, we have a porn star named Siri in studio now. From her own Twitter profile: “The face that fucked a thousands dicks.” She’s there to try and record some lines for the show intro. Dingo could care less that’s there’s a porn star swinging a kettle bell in front of his face, he’s got Hollywood shit to do. She did her thing and just like that, she was whisked back out of our lives and out of the studio. But before she left, she left us with a parting message of having 10 guys cum on her head, and it wasn’t even on video, it was just a Wednesday. So real quickly, we go back to the sports desk for some Moto News with Dingo. Villopoto retains his points lead, Stewart has moved ahead of Dungey who is in third and the injured Chad Reed has finally dropped off the top 10 list. Now over to the new desk with Tully for a story about a listener who stuck a ball pump needle in his dickhole and tried to pump up his junk. Quickly back over to Dingo for some piss talk which Ellis isn’t too jazzed about because god damn it, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW! Just kidding, he just doesn’t want people to think he and Katie are constantly giving each other golden showers. Anchorman 2, Dingo and Tully hated it, while Ellis and Wilson thought it was awesome. Wilson thinks maybe they didn’t like it because they’re fucking assholes. This of course led us to talk about Sea World, orcas, and nice cows. Ellis is starting to feel weird about eating cows because they’re so damn nice, or so they want you to think, and that’s when they attack! Total dicks.

Get ready to learn, it’s history lesson time with Ellis & Dingo!

Frank DeCaro will be on the show tomorrow, which gives us a perfect segue into Napoleon’s little dick. A British show called Dead Famous DNA says it has confirmed that Napoleon had a “very small” pecker, measuring in at a whopping one-and-a-half inches. On this very day in 1947, Henry Ford died, and contrary to popular belief, he did not invent the car, he invented the assembly line. Motherfucker found a way to pump out Model-T’s while inadvertently destroying the lives of future American workers. Tully continued testing Dingo & Ellis’ knowledge of other historical facts about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, George Washington, Pocahontas, and more. It’s always an entertaining time to hear Ellis and Dingo spill their vast knowledge of history. Well motherfucking fuck-shit. My computer is all fucked up and now I’m frantically trying to get this done from my wife’s laptop so I can try to fix my motherfucking machine, so bear with me here. Wilson came in the studio and sounded mad, said he wasn’t going to discuss something or another with Ellis and that he knows what’s what because he’s no dummy. I have no idea what that was about. Tully does not currently have a special place where he wants to fuck his wife other than the bed. Brock Lesnar still has diverticulitis. Cumtard still has diarrhea, which has been going on since last week. They Skyped up potential fighters for the biggest loser fight at EMX, one stand-out was John. Apparently he’s an ex-wrestler (or maybe current) and a large dude who is also a gym rat, allegedly. He seems like the kind of dude that’s going to turn someone’s ass into a pile of chewed up bubble gum. David Letterman is retiring, Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldolf are dead, like my motherfucking computer, and Octane is unsurprisingly playing horrible music at this very moment – and probably at any given moment. Shout out to Rural Radio. Ted Nugent is a racist asshole, there’s a Goonies sequel in the works, and Trick Daddy was arrested and got plump. There was some more but motherfucking fuck that shit, I’ve got a computer to toil over. Final calls. Bing-bing-bam-popcorn and the shows over.