Tag Archives: Jason Ellis

EllisMates Skateboarding Game

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This is the skating game Tully bought for $5. He has this note for you:

PLEASE READ:

(A) Apparently this game only works on PC laptops!
(B) If it murders your computer, it’s your fault, not mine!

* Note: By downloading this file, you accept responsibility for any and all damages that may occur to your computer. Tully, No You Are, Sirius XM, Walmart, Fareed Zakaria, Oprah Winfrey, and anyone else in the world (other than you) cannot be held responsible.

That being said, this file has been scanned by 40 different scan engines. 0 out of 40 scan engines detected a threat (click to view scan results). It likely does not contain any malicious threats. It is a 32-bit Windows executable.

Ellismates_Skateboarding.zip (11.7 MB or 12309764 bytes)
MD5:  BBCEA351906FA5F51174437CBB05E89F
SHA1: 51D305F12475A6FEEB3B69BB158741EC2DE5173D
SHA256:  1E9090F3CFC834378845841916C6B8753CCBBDFAA163485F165C8D47D8AC4557

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/10/14

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Holy fuck, just as I wrote the title for this post, I realized that if you add up the last four digits of today’s date, it equals six, which means all you need to do is put another 6 at the end and you can make today Satanic and sacrifice a goat on your balcony after work and maybe your upstairs neighbors will get the god damn point and clean up their busted kiddie pool from the back yard so the landlord can stop posting notices to all the tenants not to leave trash lying around!!! Math is good, it can make any day a gift to our dark lord and master. Speaking of darkness, it’s time to listen to a man who claims to be black due to a minor percentage of his bloodline being Fijian, Jason Ellis!!! Today, the show got rolling with how fucked up kids need role models in the form of adults who were fucked up kids but are not quite as much anymore, cause when you used to be a fucked up kid with sorta shitty parents, but you grow up to be alright, it kinda behooves you to pass that along so that everybody’s not a total shithead generation after generation. Ellis, I think, is feeling good about those times when he does say the right thing on the show and somebody treats themselves and their offspring a little better. Jude stopped by, and if you’ve read Hyena or listened to the Foreally Show, you would know that he could definitely chime in on this subject. After discussing how Jude’s intro needs to be condensed into a simple description as a black white guy who hates the system regardless of how much he’s benefited from it, Tully asked Jude about Ellis’ thoughts on talking to kids with shitty parents, and as much as Jude wants the rest of the world to crumble under it’s own stupidity, he’s totally down to be a role model to kids. The guys kicked around ideas for how they would go about telling kids that shit ain’t always gonna be as fucked up as they think, and it sounded like a good bunch of stuff swirling around the room. The guys talked about their fucked up parents and hard living for a while, as most of us can probably do for hours on end, given the opportunity. It all boiled down to giving up the teddy bear and finding something to do with your hands that’ll keep you showing up and answering to somebody for something, otherwise you’ll have endless free time to fuck your life up. The guys talked a while about how poor people and rich people raise their kids differently and a lot of it has to do with the stress of not knowing if you’re gonna keep a roof over your head, and the calmness of knowing you’ve got nothing but time to focus on your family. Jude made the point of reminding everybody that wealth is almost impossible to get without being born with it, cause ‘Murrica. Jude and Ellis talked a while longer about the ridiculous shit that used to come spilling out of their dad’s mouths, which I took to heart cause I had years of that shit myself and it’s mentally taxing but I can laugh about it when I repeat it to other people. After talking a while about alcoholic parents and AMC’s Mad Men (returning this fall!) the guys switched to talking about how New York’s public transit system really contributes to alcoholism, but doesn’t help anybody in a game of hockey. Then there was more general talk about hockey and team sports in general, which I don’t follow any of so it all flew over my head like an Amazon Prime drone delivering a 5lb bag of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears to somebody committing a gastrointestinal prank against their frat bros (Google the product reviews, a biblical plague inside of someone’s bowels makes them a writer far and above the caliber of those of us here at NYA). There was more talk of influencing the kids though skateboarding or Muay Thai, but it’s all gonna have to wait until Ellis is off the blood thinners cause it’s not good for him to be getting cut right now. Jason has finally given up the quest to complete the OSbourne family guest appearances, as he’s sick of not getting any feedback from Kelly Osbourne on twitter so he unfollowed her. Probably means nothing to anyone else, but for somebody who loves Ozzy so much, it had to be hard for him to do. In other news tough, Chael Sonnen is not gonna be allowed to participate in UFC 175 due to the new rules regarding testosterone replacement therapy! But don’t feel bad Chael, I got a bunch of credit car processors that could do to have their heads kicked into a fine slurry simply so that I can get things done during the day without having to waste so much time and high blood pressure on telling these people what biblical plagues I will visit upon them with an improbably large penis and the spinal remains of their children. The guys took a break to regroup and play some old school Prince Of Darkness in honor of his daughter not ever coming on the show.

 

The guys came back to talk to Michelle Waterson, the @karatehottieMMA on twitter female MMA fighter who has been known to bounce back from a pregnancy and fight professionally in less than a years time. Michelle and the guys talked for a while about the struggles of parenting and still trying to be a professional fighter. Michelle gave birth at home with no drugs in the water, and while I would normally automatically dismiss this as someone just being a god damn hipster and praying that they get sucked under a truck on their fixie bike, this lady could probably snap into me like a slim jim, and she’s also been on American Ninja Warrior, so even if I think it’s true, I’d never say it to her face. There was more talk about fighting and moving from one of the other organizations all the way up to the UFC someday. Michelle has also been known to dabble in a bit of modeling and stunt work, most notably MacGruber (yep, that movie that the obscene cum noises came from that the guys like playing so much). Michelle also was on Bully Beatdown that one time, so of course it had to be asked if Mayhem tried to get a piece of it, cause she is Asian, and we all know Mayhem (Allstate!). The folks all talked for a while about how to control your kids’ behavior by feeding them the right foods and keeping sugar to a minimum. With the last few minutes they had Michelle on the phone, they drafted her to be a future sideline fighter at an upcoming EllisMania, which would make it a lot more interesting, seeing as a 105lb lady kicking random people in the face would be a fantastic sight and adds greatly to the comedic value. Have you heard that Bill Gates (the anti-poon-tang) is investing millions and millions in trying to develop the next generation condom, so that men won’t be so lazy about using them and keep making idiot babies for MTV shows and passing around the herps? Well, you’ll be delighted to know that one of the ideas that has been sent his way is the very same rubber undies that the guys were talking about yesterday afternoon! The only problem is, your average guy is gonna sweat in them and develop some pretty mean athlete’s wang. Plus, the condom part is kinda screw on and seems like just a bad idea all around. There’s a show in Australia called Bogan Hunters (on channel 7Mate, yes 7Mate) and it’s a reality show about hanging out with metal heads or something of the sort, and of course Tully had an episode primed up to give us all an inside look at how Australian heshers party. Now, most reality TV is pretty well scripted, and I can certainly detect elements of this in the audio, and as you might expect, everything was just as Australian as you could possibly expect and alcohol was flowing like urine from a Betsy Wetsy doll with a medicine ball on it’s stomach. Jason was generous enough to pause the audio and translate some of the slang so that all of us would know what “pulling a root” means, or what a “slab” is. Cumtard interjected that it was similar to Jersey Shore, but Jason equated it more to Hoarders, both of which make me despise humanity, however Bogan Hunters was a pretty friendly exchange and Australians are cut off from the world, so they gladly accept any and all who arrive on their shores to break the monotony of looking at the same bunch of Australians from birth to death. Tully remembers when he had to put his foot down on the beer selection at his wedding and it turned into him basically telling his mom to get some fucking culture and try new things. This all got kicked off by the conversation about how many different kinds of beers there are at an average 7Eleven in this day and age. I’m surprised that with Tully having actually been to Japan, that he’s never been into a Japanese 7Eleven. According to a news article I read, the coffee there is superior quality to anything you can get at Starbucks, the food is restaurant quality and not just the same rotisserie crap they have here, you can buy hard liquor and interrnational plane tickets, and pay your college tuition, ALL AT A FUCKING SEVEN ELEVEN!!! TELL ME I’M STILL IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH BITCH, I FUCKING DARE YOU!!! LEAVE YA MOTHER FUCKIN HOUSE AND LEARN YOU SUMPIN!!! *ahem* so the guys talked beer for a while, as well as Doritos and how Monster Energy might as well just powder up that energy blend and make some Monster Breakfast Doritos that the kids can freebase out of a light bulb. There were more ideas for the cross promotions that Monster could do, like Monster Milk, or crystal methamphetamine! WILSON stopped in for a bit because there were Wolfknife names to give out, and we salute all the newest members of the ranks: Dick Jackoff, Wolf Nugget, Lick Dickson, The Lone Boner, The Other Lone Boner, Escargot-Nads, Cunt Succubus, Gringo Starr, Rigor Morty Freedman, and Insecure Vag. After all that, the guys took a breather to get over the Monster and Doritos cereal that Tully crushed up like a handful of oxycodone and railed up off of the desk.

 

The boys came back from break and after pounding out 20 pushups, Tully let us all in on a little secret: he headbutted a security gaurd after he took a piss yesterday during a break. Put the fucker on his ass and just kept strolling, cause THAT IS WHO THE FUCK MICHAEL TULLY IS BITCH! Then there was some talk about Game Of Thrones, which I didn’t watch cause there just seems to be a certain cheese factor to it and I find myself far more entertained by other things on most Sunday evenings. Mickey Avalon is being sued by his maid because she allegedly electrocuted herself on his poorly maintained oven. Most of the case is because he didn’t provide workers comp, which would be fair if Mickey Avalon lived somewhere that was worth providing workers comp for you cleaning lady, if you even had one at all. Buck Angel (FTM transsexual porn star that’s manlier than most of the people you probably know) is getting a divorce from his long time wife and trying to get $2,000 a month in spousal support from the wife cause fuck it, somebody’s gotta pull it off for us eventually. All that Hollywood news means nothing though, cause the real story is that Joanna Angel is in studio to put stuff on a blindfolded Kevin Kraft’s balls. You may remember the last time she came by to do this, and Kevin produced one of the greatest metal high notes in all of history when Joanna put worms on his balls. Joanna and the guys threw around ideas for new movies (porno and otherwise), as well as just some run of the mill jaw jacking amongst friends. They all traded stories about the adventures that came about in making The Woodsman and how Joanna tried to use that movie in a reel for her own acting career and her agent told her that just wouldn’t fly cause what the fuck is The Woodsman? And that was all well and good, but it’s not the reason Joanna’s in the studio today. For today’s episode of the Smartest Box In The World, the mystery substances were some random porn star’s semen, duct tape, sandpaper, a cactus, barbecue tongs, Jetta’s tongue (not really, it was a pig tongue, but they kept the gag going cause Kevin’s reaction was priceless), a shock collar, a feather duster, pubes (which required Jetta to break out the dustbuster for some extra torture), worms (again, but a different kind from last time), an unusually sharp and grabby feeder mouse, and finally itching powder cause it wasn’t enough that cum, cactus thorns and mouse claws are all irritants, so why not grind some irritant chemicals into the wounds? The guys gave the Tard a chance to go clean up and took another break to assess the psychological state that would make a person want to participate in such a hilarious form of torture.

 

In the last half hour, Joanna and the boys discussed the lamest thing that’s ever made them cry. Joanna got a little teary eyed watching Orange Is The New Black, but was quickly outdone by Tully crying explaining a Morrissey concert to his wife. However, not one to be overtaken, Joanna recalled a time when she cried watching a Motley Crue concert, cause seeing an aging hair metal singer who killed someone in a drunk driving accident literally hit the wall musically just has to be a traumatic experience. The guys took some calls about the lamest thing everybody’s cried about but that was quickly derailed by the fact that nobody was calling. Tully found a news study in which male face bones have evolved to absorb punches, so fellas, if you punch somebody in the face it’s not doing as much damage as you think. Stick to body shots, well placed you can shut down the liver and put a mother fucker on the floor instantly. A few folks called in to tell their stories about the lame shit they cried about and nobody bothered answering the phones, so Joanna and the guys just started talking about music and movies that are really sad, like that Johnny Cash cover of Hurt, which I can no longer listen to cause it got ridiculously over played and I kind of preferred the original anyway, but I can see why that might make someone tear up. Tully howenver, took the opportunity to be Tully and perform a posthumous character assassination of Johnny Cash’s last few albums and cover songs and let everyone know that Rick Rubin was the one really pulling the strings. So, phone calls, sad stuff, one guy had a cat that he got right after 9/11 and it died and he cried when he lost the phone where he took all the pictures of the cat, but then he found the phone again so that was lame. Joanna once cried after banging somebody and letting things get weird cause when you’re a girl you don’t always make complete sense in all the things you do. Another guy called in to tell everybody about how he cried like a little bitch over the movie Dumb and Dumber during the scene when they sold the dead bird to the blind kid. Twitter rose up like a torrential wave of bullshit over Tully’s remarks on Johnny Cash, and much as the internet does, it got everything wrong and blew the whole thing out of proportion, and then the townspeople rejoiced when Tully agreed to go to rehab for his musical taste. Someone else called in to tell us all about how he cried over some techno music after he let a hot girl convince him to take ecstasy cause GOD DAMMIT THE CRESCENDOS MOTHER FUCKER!!! Joanna once cried when she didn’t have a good breakfast of Monster and Doritos and late in the day she went to brunch with some folks but GOD DAMMIT THEY STOPPED SERVING BREAKFAST BEFORE NOON AND SHE DIDN’T GET THERE UNTIL 1PM!!! IT’S A CRIME I TELL YOU!!! WHO WILL CRUSH THIS WOMAN A BAG OF DORITOS AND POUR MUSCLE MONSTER STRAWBERRY ENERGY SHAKE ON IT FOR HER?!?!?!???! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! *ahem* So anyways, a few people cried watching Dogg: The Bounty Hunter and Extreme Makeover Home Edition, one guy called in to say he cries every time he listens to Pearl Jam, and Ken Block’s personal mechanic cried watching the car he built win the world rally cross championship, which is at least understandable. And that was pretty much it, so next time you cry watching My Little Pony, just know that it’s perfectly alright to masturbate using the tears as lube.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/9/2014

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party-it-up

Drunk Dingo at Diddy Jr’s party.

Welcome (English), ulihelisdi (Cherokee), bienvenue (French), herzlich willkommen (German Gaper). It’s another Monday recap with your bestie-cakes, me! Okay, so maybe we don’t know each other well enough to best friends, but we can change that – and that’s change you can believe in! Ellis is super excited to be here today, things are looking great for him because he feels like he’s got 7 million balloons tied to his pants, he feels light. And he’s excited to make all kinds of money and move in next to rich fuckers and ruin their days. Haircuts. Ellis had a bowl cut when he was young, it almost turned into a bob. Guess which younger, male, Ellis is not allowed to have a mohawk or a shaved head? Hint, his name rhymes with Liger Tee. Dingo was at Diddy’s son’s birthday party on Thursday and got wasted and isn’t sure what he said, but he knows he let loose. He was there getting blasted with basically just the family, minus Puff – he didn’t show up until way later. Everyone was singing Happy Birthday to Diddy Jr. and cracker-ass Dingo couldn’t clap in rhythm with everyone else. Speaking of singing Happy Birthday, Tully and his son sang Happy Birthday to Mrs. Tullywong. It was just as embarrassing because it’s just 1 adult and 1 toddler singing. Speaking of toddlers, Ellis and Katie went to a gay pride parade on Saturday. There was a whole lot of talk about dudes fucking dudes, supposed 24 hour anti-AIDs pills, and pubic hair, more than I will bore you with. Basically, it sounds like it was exactly what you might expect it to be. FABULOUS!

hitting-on-kenda-perez

How I picture Kenda when Ellis is hitting on her.

Will’s still faithfully training for his fight with Cumtard, straight up in his shorts and ready to rock’em sock’em by the time Ellis gets to the gym. Which begs the question, does Cumtard even know about the Madden brothers and the X-Games? Just go with it man, segue’s be damned! So that gracefully leads us into Kenda Perez on the horn and not hung over to talk about the UFC. She was in Albuquerque, New Mexico for the fights, she even hit up a bar to watch, but not participate in line dancing. She smelled all kinds of that sticky icky green skunk bud in her hotel, and apparently Dingo thinks that means a smell of sex and not pot marijuana. Tully was in Albuquerque once, his room had bullet holes in the door and a duct tape repair job on the toilet, so we’re talking upscale shitting here. Anyway, some people fought during UFC Fight Night and apparently there was some whack-a-doody stuff that went down, but honestly, I’m just not feeling it so you’re gonna have to go look on the lines yourself to find out what all happened. So Dingo practiced his American accent with some “cheeseburger” and “cheese steak” drops. He’s about halfway there to an American accent, needs practice. He doesn’t get most of our National Anthem either, until it gets to the “live free” part. Again, just go with it, I think he’s mixing up the song with the Die Hard movie. So everyone on the show is trying to watch hockey a lot more, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t – but hey, at least they’re trying. Tully likes it when the guy skates behind the other teams goalie and everyone’s all like “ooooohhh, which was is gonna go, is going left, is he going right, nobody knows!” And Ellis likes it when the guy passes behind his back and people fake fall. Dingo just likes the National Anthem, you know the part.

sherk-werk

Ermahgerd! It’s sherk ners!

Wolfknives members, you wanna choose some music? You can still send in some picks for songs to be played – so there’s that. You’re probably not gonna get 311 played, but you can try, you dick. Shark news time, directly from the ocean. Scientists were puzzled by a 9 foot great white shark that got eaten. Turns out, it wasn’t a fucking Kraken or Godzilla, it was a colossal cannibal great white shark that ate it. BOOM! I break news and hearts, y’all! Also, the Loch Ness monster is full of shit, man. Hey, some how you can win a download code the new Linkin Park album for something or another, and the upcoming UFC fights, I don’t think you have to do anything for it, it’s just how Ellis feels at the moment. So good luck with that! It’s time for some history lessons with Ellis and Dingo. 20 years ago, the “Hollywood Madame” was arrested, who was she? She was a coke ho, she had a book, she showed everybody her black book of ho’s, and dick sizes. That last part might not be correct, but let’s not mince cocks here. On June 8th, 632 AD, Muhammad the Barbarian died, he started a religion, not cheeseburgers. Ronald Reagan was a movie star, became a politician, and he invented Star Wars but gave Lucas the rights to it, and Marilyn Monroe was his bastard child because Presidential loads were flying all over the place back then. The 19th amendment was passed to give black people a mule and some acreage since we treated them like shit. Some good movies came out in 1989, but the crackdown on drugs came to hardcore fruition in Tiananmen Square and unless you were in a strong relationship, you could only have 1 child, also California rolls were invented. Babe Ruth invented the candy bar, he was a drunk, beat his wife, and slept with everybody. He was the fattest person to point at the sky and hit a ball right up the sun’s ass. Deep throat, he worked for the FBI, knew the secret to awesome blow jobs, and shared that information and gave free demonstrations, and that’s where Tommy Lee Jones got all wrinkly. Amy Fisher was an ice skater, she broke some hot Asian chick’s legs, and then got shot in the face with some fat dudes load. Brothers Lewis and Clark were boat enthusiasts that flew around the world and made shoes. They’d buy Chinaman and trade them for blacks, 2 for 1, it was a fucked up time around the Louisiana Purchase era. Is your head spinning from all this very factual information in this history lesson? I know mine is! See, who says learning can’t be fun?

So remember how Tully mentioned he, Will, Cumtard, and Jetta all invested $20 each of their own money into the show? It was revealed today they got on fiverr.com and paid for people to do make things to help promote the show. None of them were worth $5, much less the time it took to send an email. Well, maybe the chick singing Who Let The Dogs Out, that might of been worth the $5. Sounds like maybe this $10 game Tully had made might also be the best thing made and represents the show better than all the other stuff. This brought us to final calls and the question, what would you do if you had a “Get out of AIDs free” pill for 12 hours. Apparently Rik Mayall from “The Young Ones” died at the age of 56, that show was fucking great, so that sucks. And on that note, I have a massive headache, so I’m done staring at this screen. Don’t die!

Bonus: Here’s @McKaI86 pretending to be Bane and talking about TJES.

Download (link to MP3)

Bonus #2: “The Party”

Recap for Thursday June 5, 2014

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Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show hosted by that guy that we all love with the big powerful voice that can rule the world with his mouth. Boom…did you get that Cullen? Hahaha…I got a good chuckle out of that…but if you’re gonna rule the world with anything, why not your mouth? Especially when you are Jason Ellis, Kind of the West? All sorts of appropriate inappropriateness. Getting right into it, the thing that you have been waiting for that you probably weren’t aware that you were waiting for: Today is the day of the Pile of Shit Games!!!! Woo-hoo! The crowd goes wild! There is cheering and jumping and yelling and riots in the streets because no one knows what the hell is going on anymore!!! Well…the Pile of Shit Games is TJES answer to the shittiness that has become the X Games. They are surely going to be bigger and better than the X Games could ever hope to be, as they are happening on TJES, and because *cue the big booming crescendo-y music* Sal Masekela is going to be in studio today to do what he does best and commentate the Pile of Shit Games. By the way, from this point on the Pile of Shit Games will be referred to as the Excrement Games because one listener is a fucking genius and should have been at the meeting yesterday. Ellis and Tully are super pumped about having Sal Masekela on the show because he is a super cool guy, and they have been trying to get him to come on the show for years. Years! Since Tully was a producer! That’s how many years! Ellis is so pumped on it himself that he’s not even really going to believe that Sal is actually going to be on the show until he sees him there in the Green Room, and who can blame him since apparently they would always get sososososo close to having him on the show and then *poof* no Sal Masekela for Ellis, or Tully, or Jenni. Yeah…I threw myself in there. Fuck you.

In other news, while they’re waiting for Sal to either show or be a no show Ellis talks about how he watched Hockey last night. And Hockey is kind of Mega. Better than Football, mega. So Mega, that if aliens came from another planet to judge us based on the sports we play, they would think Hockey players are the most skilled athletes out of all of the athletes on Earth because damn, there’s a lot that goes into it. Ellis said that 90% of Canadian fans were super thrilled that he was finally giving Hockey a shot, and probably are even more so now that they know that he enjoyed it and didn’t think it was a big wank. I know I’m all squeeeeeeeeeee that Ellis enjoyed the game because I loooooooooove Hockey. It is the only sport that I am into and HOLY FUCK THE RANGERS ARE IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!! They haven’t been in the finals in forever and the last time that they won The Cup was legit 20 years ago. I was seven, in the first grade, and there was only one Islander fan who was booing the Rangers the entire time and his name was James. I remember his last name too, like the creep that I am, but I feel like it’s weird to go blasting it on the internet 20 years later. The Kings won the game last night in OT, and Ellis tweeted some sort of LA Kings positive tweet and a fan got on him for being a jump on the wagon type of guy, which is bullshit, because Ellis just wants to try and get into Hockey for his fans. And yeah, Hockey fans are kind of assholes because no one likes Hockey until they love hockey and there are a tone of people who start loving it this time of year because it’s the finals and that shit is super intense and exciting and some next level shit.

AND HOLY CRAP SAL MASEKELA IS IN THE GREEN ROOM RIGHT NOW. Except…not right now…this was like…5 and a half hours ago right now. You know. Whatever. BUT HE IS FINALLY ON THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!! Cue the entrance music and stop flexing at Ellis through the glass and get your butt in there, Sal Masekela!!! Sal sits down and tells Tully that he caught him Wikipedia-ing him and there was a little sidebar about how Ellis stays away from Wikipedia because it’s kind of bullshit and people change shit around on there just to be dicks. But, Sal Masekela, ESPN correspondent, Red Bull, Clippers Fan, all around awesome guy, is in the studio. Ellis and Sal reminisce for a bit, Sal tells Ellis that he loves Katie and loves seeing his life on Instagram and that he gets a little envious, and they discuss why Sal isn’t with the X Games any longer (they didn’t want to pay him the money that he deserved, and he was getting all excited over the direction that Red Bull was going in) and to be honest, my SiriusXM app was acting like a dick and I kept missing chunks, so I don’t know exactly what they talked about, but when it started working again Sal was telling a story involving George Clooney and an interview that he did with him and how he was traveling with someone else from the same network that he was working with and that bitch was a straight up bitch. And then…the reveal. The bitch. It was Giuliana Rancic. Yeah…that bitch. But, Clooney, being Ca-looney saved the day by being his all around spectacular self and when Giuliana went over on her interview time (they were both supposed to get 7 minutes and she went for 12) Clooney told his publicist that no, Sal Masekela does not have only three minutes with me, he gets to do his interview. Fuck you. I may or may not have added the fuck you. Whatever, Sal says that life is too short to hate on people like Giuliana Rancic, but she’s not nice, and Ellis says that he and Tully will hate on her on his behalf, as well as because they just don’t like her to begin with. She looks like a Chihuahua.

Back from the first break….Dun da-da-da, it is time for the Excrement Games to begin!!!! Sal Masekela slips right into super professional announcer voice and the games begin with the first event- Thumb Wrestling. The first round of thumb wrestling was between Jetta and Tully, a man with a 32″ vertical jump and a 31″ penis and it is a short, but heated match-up. In the end Tully triumphs over Jetta and his floral sneakers, and it goes to Kevin ‘The Man Who is 90% Shit CumTard’ Kraft versus Jason ‘Fuck Your Paper and Your Words’ Ellis. If you were on the edge of your seat reading this wondering who would triumph…you sir, are a moron. Of course Ellis and his Man Hands came out on top of the cyst-y sweaty thumb of CumTard. Silly reader. Next up is the match between Tully and Will, which is more of a nail-biter, because Tully faces elimination at this point, and then gets eliminated, leaving the final round between Will and his girthier than Ellis’ hands and Ellis’ Jiu Jitsu thumbs. There was some back and forth, a quick attempt at submission by Will that Ellis sprang out of just in the nick of time, and some serious yelling by the guys as Ellis becomes the first Medal Winner of the First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by the Jason Ellis Show and hosted by Sal Masekela.

They move right in to the Second Event which was a sexy round of Shake Weight Stare Down!!!! First up, Sal Masekela throws his hat in the ring for medal contention and goes up against Ellis to see who can jack off a shake weight while participating in a staring contest. Sal ‘Two Hand BC Have You Seen My Dick’ Masekela didn’t last long against Jason ‘Don’t Make Love Eyes At Me’ Ellis because he blinks when he cums and Ellis has a beautiful orgasm-inducing face and then there is some talk about how the Shake Weight is the worst thing ever, but the makers of it undoubtedly made a shit ton of money because people are done. Then there was a quick chat about how it’s only okay to cum with your eyes open if the other person isn’t looking or if there is a big, mutual romantic stare down thing going on, and then the second pairing of Michael ‘Eyes Like a Reverse Salamander’ Tully versus Kevin ‘Eyes Will Steal Your Soul’ Kraft. CumTard was the quick winner of this round, as Tully is a rather blinky fellow, and it is time for Ellis and Cumtard to duke it out for Gold while making really offensive faces at one another. But, as we already know, staring into Ellis’ face is the quick path to blinking because it’s hard to stare into something as glorious as the sun for long without blinking or burning out one’s retinas…which I’m sure would also cause you to blink, or close your eyes to staunch the flow of bloody tears falling out of your eye sockets. Jason Ellis…the man with the face who will make you cry blood tears. Before the break Tully informs us that Aubrey Marcus from Onnit will be calling in shortly to continue his series on getting us fucks to be a little more healthy on the daily, and Sal Masekela mentions that starting the Paleo Diet changed his life, because when you start to be able to see the Finish Line, you need to evaluate the things that you are doing in your life.

As we rejoined the show back from the break Sal has put on his sunglasses in an effort to be more like Big Daddy Jay and comments that Ellis really is the best. Ellis talks about how it’s crazy that this is his job because it’s not even really like a job, it’s just awesome, but Sal gives those of us who aren’t a part of OfficialJasonEllis.com a peek behind the scenes of what goes on during the break, saying that they function like a well oiled machine and that Ellis and Tully have the utmost respect for one another’s ideas. Woo! But Aubrey from Onnit is on the phone to keep telling us about ways to have more energy throughout the day. Last week, for a quick recap, you can check out my recap…hahahahahahahaha. This week…he’s phoning in (but not phoning it in) to tell us that we will have more energy in our daily life if we work on eliminating stress from our lives and toxins from our bodies. Humans apparently, weren’t really made to be as stressed as we have all become, we’re supposed to be chill most of the time and then the stress response was supposed to come into play in short bursts like, say, if we were being chased by a predator. Stress releases a hormone called cortisol, which is fine in little doses, but kind of sucks for all of us in the levels that are built up from chronic stress, and cortisol depletes brain function, halts digestion, and affects a bunch of other processes in the body because it’s prepping all of that extra blood to go to things that we would need to function if we were running away from a predator trying to eat us for dinner. So, what are ways that we can work on dealing with the stress? Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as ‘letting it go’ for most people as Sal Masekela suggests, but there are some simple things we can do, like chewing gum (natural sugar is better than fake sugar…or try toothpicks), music, laughter, being in nature, and meditation. Meditation can be tricky, and if you don’t have the time or resources to head down to Peru and try Huachama and Vilke like Aubrey did to help figure out the state that you should be in to get all meditate-y, you can check out sensory deprivation chambers, which will put you in a similar state. There’s also yoga. Yoga is all kinds of chill. I agree with that. I’m turning into a real yogi and that shit is wonderful. Another thing that we can do to up our energy levels is to stop ingesting toxins. At this point, if you’ve been paying attention, we’re pretty aware of what’s in food, drinks, cigarettes, and things like that that are bad for us, but we should also be paying attention to what we put on our skin. Why? Because between 65 and 100% of the chemicals that are in things that we put on our skin get absorbed through the skin and go into our bloodstream. The scrotum is the best at absorbing these chemicals, so stop slathering lead paint on your balls, guys, and the other big offenders are the forehead and armpits. Try switching to organic deodorants that don’t have aluminum and shit like that in them. Also, your toothpaste has a shit ton of chemicals in it, and though we’re not quite sure yet what all the flouride is going to do to us, wouldn’t switching to an organic toothpaste be better?

Back to the Excrement Games, it’s time for Event Number 3- Mario Kart! It’s a rousing round of Mario Kart that the guys play, the leader constantly switching between Jetta, Tully, and Ellis- Will was playing but even though he’s the father of three boys he has absolutely no skills when it comes to playing video games and I’m pretty sure he was never actually in the lead. Jetta, taking advantage of a green shell that Tully expertly aimed at Ellis, who was in the lead, comes from behind and wins it in the third lap, giving him both his first medal and his first gold!! I mean, really, his nickname is Jetta, after his car, at least it almost sort of makes imaginary sense that he won the Mario Kart game.

Event Number Four in the Excrement Games is a Best Trick Competition using the Ken Block RC Cars. Ellis doesn’t want to go first, not wanting to risk that the other guys will copy his sweet moves, so CumTard is the first one to give it a go. He thinks it will be a good idea to drop his pants and display his leather thong while trying to jump his Ken Block car through a piece of paper and from one ramp to another. He fails, because he is CumTarded, and Will is the next one to go…and it looked like he was going to go straight out of the window. But, he didn’t because Jetta and CumTard form a human shield against the window and it winds up not mattering because Will misses and fails to inflict any bodily harm. Ellis is up next and he is going for a classic ramp to ramp jump, nothing complicated, because why pull out all of the stops and give it away to a goober? But! Gasp!!! Ellis jumps the car short, and it is all coming down to Michael ‘I’ve Been Waiting For This My Whole Life’ Tully who tapes some deodorant to  the top of the car and goes for a ramp to ramp ‘Double Pits to Chesty’ AND HE FUCKING NAILED IT!!!!!! At this point Sal tells Tully that he always knew he was a funny guy, but now he knows that Tully is actually a comedic genius, and Tully takes the time to thank his sponsor LinkedIn and his Dark Overlord, Satan.

There’s a quick stoppage in the game for a medal count, which at this point lies thusly, with only 2 events remaining:
CumTard; 1 Gold Medal
Sal Masekela: 1 Bronze Medal
Jason Ellis: 1 Gold Medal, 2 Silver Medals, 1 Gold Medal        IN THE LEAD
Jetta: 1 Gold Medal
Will: 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal
Tully: 1 Gold Medal, 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal

The Fifth Event in the Excrement Games is Rock, Paper, Scissor and they get into it with Will calling out Tully for the first round. Tully’s rock crushed Will’s scissor and he waits on the sidelines to see who he will face in the semi-finals. Jetta’s paper would have covered CumTard’s rock, but Jetta gets DQ’d by Sal Masekela for not adequately throwing out his hand, and CumTard goes to wait in the wings with Tully. The third round in the preliminaries is Ellis versus Sal, and Ellis destroys Sal’s scissor with his mighty rocking fist. Boom. CumTard sizes up Tully and deftly cover’s Tully’s rock with his Paper, and the final round is CumTard versus Ellis in a Best of Three. The first round goes to Ellis. The second round goes to CumTard. Everyone is on the edge of their seat to see who is going to bring home the Gold in this event. There is a misthrow, which Ellis wins, but Sal calls for a re-do. Again…the tension mounts. Who is going to win this EPIC Rock, Paper, Scissors Throwdown? Who? Will it be Ellis, the favorite? Or will it be CumTard, The Underdog? The guy that if Ellis weren’t facing off against, that Ellis would root for, because Ellis loves an underdog? One, two, three!!!! And Jason ‘I Mine Gold For a Living’ Ellis DESTROYS Cumtard and brings home yet another Excrement Games Yellow But Supposed to be Gold Medal!!!! The crowd goes wild! It’s amazing!!! Ellis starts crying and thanking Odin and women are weeping and their panties are dropping….it’s EllisMANIA. Ha.

Time for the Final Event- Hoola Hoop-Off! Of course it’s not at simple as just hoola hooping (which is not simple, in my opinion, because I suck at it) but has the added twist where the hoola hoop-ee will also be under fire by the gallery who are all armed with rubber bands. Will is up first and he manages a respectable guy time of 2.91 seconds while being blasted by rubber bands. Cumtard is up next, pantsless in his leather thong, and lasts a surprising 13.38 seconds, his hips swiveling with such a force that the sight of his dick is unleashed on innocent bystander Sal Masekela who then nails Cumtard in the dick with a rubber band without even looking. Jetta and his coordinated shoes and shirt are up next and he only lasts 2 seconds because Tully couldn’t even press the stop button fast enough. Sal takes up the hoop next and lasts 3 seconds, putting him in silver medal contention, but Tully talks a big game as he picks up the hoop for his turn. He lasts longer than Sal, who calls bullshit, and Tully offers to go again and lasts only 1.34 seconds…or definitely not as long as Sal, so that is the official time. Last up, here comes Jason ‘I Got Kids Motherfucker’ Ellis with a mind boggling 18 second long Hoola Hoop!!!

And that’s the games folks!!! The First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by The Jason Ellis Show and Hosted by Sal Masekela have come to an end!!!! Ellis is the undisputed winner of the games, and Sal doesn’t want to go, but his hot publicist is giving him the ‘It’s Time to Go’ face. He wants to come back soon, and says whenever he’s invited and is in town he will definitely come by. Tully asks him how he feels about being bitten by predators, and since he has no problem with that so long as they’re not venomous, it seems like Sal Masekela might be back sooner rather than later for Sting Pong.

Back from the last break…Tully brings us a news story involving cops and their wives and their swinging ways and the fight they all got in to and pulled guns and nonsense and a cop called the cops on the other cop because cops should probably never be involved in Swinging because there are only two kinds of cops: Fat Cops and Cocaine Cops. The Don’t Die callers are calling to answer the question: What would you do if you just won Gold in the Excrement Games and you got to go home and Fuck your boyfriend who is Al Pacino? My Answer? Lots of lines off of Al Pacino’s cock, that’s what. ;)

Things We Learned on TJES today:

Katie’s Dick Tattoo was just a Sharpie…they’ve got kids, guys

Ellis has a kind heart, but sometimes he’s insecure and hungover and mean to people

Ellis’ cock is back to 150% following his heart surgery

TJES is 360 degrees of awesome lately

Tully would be an evil mastermind of doing insane shit with $100,000 if he were a billionaire

There should be a porn chick named Allie Money

Welcome to the Pack New Wolfknives!!!! Spaghetti Nachos, Leg Room, Scabby 2 Dope, Cock Lightening McQueen, D-Rob, Scleroshima, PooFingers McGee, Juice Hooker, Alligator Snatch, BILF, Bitch Little, Helicopter Plastic, 4 Potatoes and A Log, Dr. AssTeeth, Byron Cullen, Illegal Beefstorm, and Clark Gable!!!!

 

 

 

 

I fucking loved the Excrement Games!!!! Can there be summer and winter ones so I don’t have to wait a year to hear this all again?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/3/14

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Have you ever had one of those days when you were really busy and you know that when you get off work it’s gonna be impossible to find a parking space and a few thousand shitheads are gonna be clogging up every inch of free space in your neighborhood for no good reason? That’s right folks, it’s Primary Election day here in California, and if finagling my giant Dodge truck in between a Prius and a driveway wasn’t difficult enough already, I gotta run down the street and risk spontaneous human combustion as I enter the neighborhood church where my polling place is and continue to take part in a corporate sham called the voting process, where the candidates have openly admitted in the information mailed to me by the state of California that “CUSTOMER SERVICE IS NUMBER 1!!!!!” ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!??!? THEY AT LEAST USED TO TRY AND HIDE THAT SHIT BUT COME THE FUCK ON, YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL ME NOT TO SHOW UP WITHOUT MY WALLET!!! Luckily, there’s Canada, and I will be shooting my loads on her fertile soil soon enough. Also, I’ve got the entire series of “Transmetropolitan”, a comic about government corruption exposed by a psychotic, drug-addicted journalist in a future much worse but not so different from the world we live in today, and if I could be adopted by a fictional character, it would be that guy. He throws grenades off his balcony, assaults federal agents with a bowel disruptor, and simply cannot leave the word “fuck” out of everything he does. But today, let us enjoy the audio spectacle which is the Jason Ellis show, as he reminds us that there is a happiness in one’s own stupidity, as long as you’re smart enough to know when it is happening. Today’s show got started with a little discussion about how badly Bruce Lee would whoop the shit out of most people, even today. Basically, you gotta make your point as a person as best you possibly can, because life is fleeting and politicians are becoming more like McDonald’s cashiers every mother fucking day. Jason has been avoiding the scale because he’s still recovering from having a laser probed into his heart by way of the groin, but he’s really excited to get back to training so he can be the best one vs. ten fighter in all of history. That is, of course, if his ankles will allow it. Tully has never been able to stay at any exact weight, but he has been able to stay within his target healthy weight give or take 7 lbs. Although, him and his wife both got sloppy as fuck cause they both like food and when you’re in a relationship, you’ll cosign just about anything for some sweet poon tang. Hatebean got called in to record more new material, and in a perfect return to form, it made no sense and gives me more reason to fear for Cumtard’s safety come EllisMania 10. Also, his inner southerner came out and he left no one out of it except the master race. He tried to cover his ass, but even Jetta heard it, so it had to have happened. Cumtard scrambled to replay the audio so that he could possibly usurp Will’s throne as SiriusXM’s only 72 hour a day employee, but Jude stepped in to ease the tension while that was being cued up. Will and Jude were having a conversation about how people smell, and oddly enough Jude has identified that trannies have their own particular scent, due to the hormones they take, but you can only notice it when they’ve been sweating. Basically, they smell like onions and butt, according to the guy in the know. Jude also used to offend the strippers at the titty bar he worked at cause he wore rubber gloves when he wiped down the pole. The guys kicked around the idea of the best way to remove jizz moppers from the job market by replacing them with a high powered, wet-dry Roomba type machine, and it does sound like a viable way to cut the overhead at your local jack off booth and return qualified workers to the talent pool for better opportunities. Jude thought somehow that they were talking about training insects to do the job, but he’s been known to snort special K and blast Supertramp for hours on end, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he just misheard something. Speaking of mishearing things, the guys played back the audio of Hatebean defaming the black community, and I heard it too, but he insists that he was talking about licking someone’s face. WILSON is sticking to his guns though, he’s basically so anti-racist, that he’s just like all those self loathing closeted gay people who yell the F-word out the window when they’re driving by then whisper “I love you” once they’re out of earshot. Considering that WILSON and Cumtard have the most ambiguous bromance in all existence, it is looking more and more like Kevin is gonna make a play to become “power-top” in the relationship. Jude is gonna be attending this role reversal session, but he’s not gonna be fighting, cause if Jason has his way, Jude would be fighting a gay Mexican tranny, and while he made that work the one time when he caught one breaking into his house, it would be a sad day for his career if he couldn’t finish the job in a crowd setting. He can however, officiate over Tully and Shoebox’s “sports entertainment” match that will be happening at this event, which I am looking forward to more and more, and god dammit somebody needs to make a highlight reel of all of these fucking things and sell it on VHS in the 99 cent bin at 7-Eleven. Hatebean will be performing as well, and I know that there’s some black people who will be there, so keep your eyes out for Pendarvis getting his ass beat once in a controlled setting, and once more at the Circle Bar, post-performance. The guys worked out some of the logistics of the tensome fight, and no matter how it lands, it’s gonna be a good time. Ellis floated the idea of having an event on a pirate ship and they kicked around a few ideas on how to make it make some slight amount of sense, while still having full nude strippers and alcohol and some sort of full contact sport in international waters. There were some ideas like making people walk the plank and then have to get dressed in drag after the life boats fish them out of the water, and some other stuff like that. the folks took some calls on things and stuff, as is sometimes known to happen, people offered free or reduced price goods and services for whatever hare-brained scheme Ellis is struck by on any given day, and a few people called in with stupid questions and stuff, the guys kicked around more pirate party ideas that sound more and more like a high school event but with full frontal and an open bar and violence, cause all three of those together never caused a problem anytime in recorded history. Jason keeps mentioning some giant Coca-Cola ball from some advertisement that as far as I know does not exist, and suggesting to have people do things to it on a pirate ship. Surrounded by liquor and naked ladies. Let’s stew on all that for a while and listen to a song that the Beatles covered by Charles Manson, that I personally liked better when Motley Crue covered it twenty years later.

 

HOLLYWOOD NEWS YA FUCKS!!! J-Lo is allegedly banging some dude whose last name is Smart and all of Jenny’s people are sick of answering questions about the guy, but the real news is that the guy is probably keeping a tranny on the side. Well, you heard it here first, some more shit that is basically just appeasing someone’s ego and giving stupid people attention without properly citing that they’re stupid and deserve to be ridiculed. While we’re on the topic of people who need to be ridiculed for their inferior mental capacities, in the neighborhood near my work, the street directly in front of my shop is a 90 minute zone, and there is one 90 minute zone parking space directly around the corner. Now, just beyond that 90 minute space is one more big parking spot and then a driveway. I show up early enough in the day that that space is almost without fail, completely empty and free for use by whoever shows up to claim it, and I have used it almost every day for the better part of 4 years with absolutely no problems at all, unless I forget that it’s street sweeping day. It has been a faithful and glorious parking spot, directly around the corner from work so I can quickly retreat to my vehicle in inclement weather and make a speedy retreat from the near criminal amount of time I spend dealing with the public at large. I almost want to hang some needlepoint at that space, it feels so much like home. A nicely embroidered Dodge Ram logo, or something of the sort. Anyways, for the past, oh, maybe 8 months or so, we have not seen hide nor hair of a metermaid anywhere in the neighborhood, at all, and I mean not a single one, even on street sweeping day, or when some cocksucker refused to pay us and abandoned his car for a month right outside the building. In the last couple days, the city of Albany, California has started trying to solve their understaffing problem by hiring some new metermaids, and we know this because we see them driving around and spot those telltale chalk marks they leave on the tires so they can tell who’s been parked in the same place for too long. Now, as I stated before, I’m always parked in a legal spot. It hasn’t been rezoned and they’re waiting on a new sign to put up, or any other kind of bullshit like that, it’s a legal spot. And today, this cock smoking piece of shit in his little Euro-midget fully enclosed utility scooter comes trotting through the neighborhood and marks every single car on the block I’m parked on. Surely one would think, “OK, they’re new, they can see the sign and see that the 90 minute zone is just that one spot” but nay sir, you would be a fool, for you should know that doubting the stupidity of your public servants is akin to believing that Jesus Christ visited a convicted con artist in Utah and told him to start a religion based off of some gold tablets that only he could read. That’s right folks, this waste of valuable organs that could certainly be put to better use not a mere five miles away from me at Children’s Hospital Of Oakland as donor parts for some poor cancer ridden 6 year old, gave me a god damn parking ticket for exceeding the 90 minute limit. They couldn’t even give me the respect of a fix-it ticket for the expired tags I’ve got on there, which I have current ones for, I just haven’t felt like putting them on. No, this fucking floater in the gene pool just reinforced my belief that we could get real police work done if we would just fire all the metermaids and start making beat cops give out parking tickets. It would humble our cops by reminding them that they really should be doing the shit work, cause that’s what the job should be about, and it would save our cities and counties countless amounts of money in wasted time and worthless employees. And as a fringe benefit, the type of brain trust that isn’t qualified for anything better than being a metermaid will be unemployed and starve to death, thus reviving the natural mechanism known as evolution. DID I MENTION IT’S FUCKING VOTING DAY AND MY NEIGHBORHOOD DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH PARKING AS IT IS?!?!??! AAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAA!!! But anyways, back to the show. So J-Lo has a soft spot for some freaky mother fuckers, and all things considered, at least it’s not children or pets, so fuck it. Now that that’s out of the way, TJ Dillashaw is in studio to talk fighting with Ellis and Tully, and surely enough that’s what he did! I’m not gonna bore you with the details, cause you’re all probably sick of me after that metermaid rant (KILL THEM! NEXT ONE YOU SEE, BASH HIS FUCKING SKULL IN) but if you’re into hearing about the sport of MMA, there was plenty to listen to and form opinions about in the whole back and forth between TJ and Ellis. The Teej also brought along some guy named Duane, and he contributed where necessary. They also revisited that one guy that Ellis spotted hanging around the cage yelling “YOU GO CREEEHHHZZEEEHHHHHHH!!!!!” You know, that weird Asian guy decked out like a 1980’s coke dealer. Master Chong, I believe his name was. Anyways, the guys talked EllisMania for a little while, possibly to draft more pro talent to randomly punch the unlucky volunteers who can’t put the bong down long enough to think it through before they sign the release forms at this glorious event. So, they talked more fighting and random stuff for a while, and that was all well and good. Then Tully suggested that TJ should hit the punch pad, and gods be damned, The Dilla to the mothafuckin Shaw got right up there with the best of them scoring a respectable 72, but then on the 4th try he put down an indisputable 84, taking 1st place over Jason on the wall of mother fuckers hitting the punch pad. Oh, and that Asian coke dealer MMA coach is named Master Thong, but with a hard T sound. After all that, the guys gave a fond farewell and cranked up some Rose Tattoo and regrouped for the next visitor.

 

So, if I haven’t said anything bad about the church today, strap yourselves in for this one. A youth ministry in Alabama put up a billboard to advertise their after school group and it contained the quote “He alone who owns the youth, gains the future” and the reason this quote is such a problem, is that it’s from Adolf Hitler. And the billboard clearly credits him, with a picture of five blond southern children. Now, it’s important to note, just for the sake of being historically accurate, that Hitler hated religion, so in his own time, he never would have endorsed a chuch using his material for advertising purpose. It’s also important to remember that Christ was Jewish, so quoting a guy that tried to have the jews exterminated is, to say the least, in poor taste. And of course, let us not forget that “Jesus” is not the new “YOLO” and that just cause you meant well doesn’t mean you’re not dumber than a bag of hammers and shouldn’t be allowed to leave your house without a permission slip, let alone get a job where you promote ideas to the public. That said, MADCHILD is in the house today, and as a fan of his work I could not be more excited. For those who don’t know some of the back story, Madchild grew up in Vancouver with David and Sluggo Boyce of the Red Dragons, so Jason got to know him when he lived up that way many years ago. Madchild gave a quick recap of his rise and fall with drugs and shitty friends, you know, the kind of thing that comes with being any kind of rising star in the music industry. He’s clean now though, and they don’t stop him at the border when he tries to come do a show in the US, which is awesome cause him and Swollen Members are a great time live. The guys bantered a bit in regards to Jason’s head tattoo and Madchild’s face tattoos, cause it’s worth really getting an answer to that question, so they called in the interns to judge it, and aside from the way that Madchild was dressed, all dapper and toned down and shit, it is probably a bit more frightening to talk to a guy with battleaxes on his cheek. In a nod to that horrible freestyle session from a few weeks ago, Jason tried to coerce the new interns, who are not yet named, who I shall now refer to as thing one and two, into a freestyle battle against Madchild and that was fucking atrocious, but not for Mad cause he kind of does this type of thing for a living. After watching thing one’s abortion slither down his leg, we heard from thing two and it was equally as traumatic as watching a pack of ferrets devour a senior citizen. Madchild sounded fairly amused with it, and then he got to make two grown men go get him a Red Bull, and that just feels great. Jason noticed that Madchild is a pretty fit mother fucker, and it turned to a line of questioning that both revealed that Mad can pull down just about any piece of tail he wants, and that he’s got all the fans to thank for the 10,000 mile snail trail he’s been sliming all the way across America and Canada. Somehow, this turned the conversation towards inducting Mad into Horse Force, where he would tote around a giant .357 Magnum like Dirty Harry and freestyle bitches into his apartment any time of day or night. Madchild was talking about the tour he’s taking on with Swollen at the moment and Tully couldn’t help but keep shooting radio interviewer eyes at him and Jason kept asking absurd questions that kept everything lighthearted and jocular. The guys talked massive orgies and lighting rednecks on fire at gas stations for a while, and the guys took a listen to the new single by Swollen Members called “cock blocker” and it was a real treat. Then the music dropped out and the mics were still hot (as far as I know, it sounded like an abrupt end and the crew were all mid sentence talking about Jason’s gold teeth) and that’s when Tully decided to throw down the gauntlet and challenge Madchold to fight him at EllisMania, and he respectfully lifted the gauntlet, filled it with Krystal and poured it on a stripper’s titties (which means he accepted). Ellis tried to get Mad to hit the punch pad, but  he declined on the grounds that he may look fit, but one superfoord drink doesn;t counter a pack a day smoking habit. All that said though, it’s gonna be a fucking good show come october or september or whenever it happens. Jude stepped back in the studio real quick to give his two cents on the Madchild/Tully throwdown, and Jude was very clear in letting everybody know that Tully does not give a fraction of a fuck and will fuck shit up like O.J. got convicted twice. And if all that isn’t enough, Madchild actually will perform at EllisMania this time, not like last year when he got held up at the border and couldn’t make it to Vegas. The guys reveled in the glory of what is sure to be a fucking incredible weekend in just a few months, and also suggested having Dave and Sluggo Boyce fight eachother, which sounds like another epic match up, if only most of the fans could actually tell them apart in person (I’m looking at you Faceplant, yeah you). The guys took one more quick breather to firm up details and talk shit about eachother’s moms to really get the competitive juices flowing, and the fans all fangasmed all over each other on twitter for a few minutes.

 

In case you didn’t catch it, Jason was on HLN with Dr. Drew on Tuesday night. He got a little heads up on what some of the topics were going to be this time, like the Family Dollar employee who tried to mace a kid with Febreeze, but to be fair the kids were shoplifting and smoking while pregnant (my god, the banjos are deafening on this one). Tully and Ellis watched a video of this exchange and couldn’t help but notice that someone yelled out “WORLDSTAR!” which, in and of itself, just goes to show where society’s heading. It really boils down to the fact that fighting is bad, and it’s especially bad when one idiot makes it something that an otherwise intelligent person can’t get out of, but when two idiots fight there’s really no loss to the rest of the world. Tully and Ellis talked for a while about how scared Michael should be to fight Madchild, and how the only thing he has to fear is Will winning against Cumtard and having to watch some live avant garde gay porn. The guys discussed some more tactics for how to make a good appearance, like ranking all the female guests based on appearance. There was more news about shitty people being shitty, like a teacher harassing someone’s daughter over some flat out stupid shit. Or that guy who wanted to fight to the death with a court appointed officer over a parking ticket. There was some more discussion about the many ins and outs of this next EllisMania, like wheel of doom fight, and people having to battle rap and all sorts of shit like that. My god, it’s shaping up to be a fantastic event. There were final calls and stuff, and that went as expected. That is to say, a call screener could cleanup really nicely if that’s ALL they had to do there, instead of making the producers split the job while they’re already busy with other stuff. All that aside though, the fans have some fucked up ideas in terms of which male cartoon characters they would marry. Just look at the crowd though, it makes enough sense. J2 called in to remind everyone that it’s been 15 years since he was paralyzed by a spinal cord injury, but that kind of shit should only slow you down if you’re a massive vag. After all that was done, the final calls devolved into a bunch of guys talking cartoons and there was no one there to shut them up with pudding. But Tully had some good points about fucking Scrooge McDuck.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,