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Show Recap for Thursday 8/21/2014

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Some people just have that fire in their eye, you know, and it makes you know that you are not the person to be fucked with because you have fire eyes, and hopefully your eyes aren’t on fire because I’m pretty sure having eyeball nerves melting would suck pretty bad until only your pupils were remaining to be burned cause, you know, no pain receptors there. You know who has fire in his eye as he’s deftly maneuvering around the basketball court of his local LA Fitness? Tully. That’s right…and my, oh my, Tully apparently sure looks refreshed for today’s show. Probably because he was just doused, as is the oh so popular thing right now, by a bucket of ice water over his head. Tully admits that he feels super refreshed and is digging on his whole spikey hair and swim trunks vibe that he’s rocking in the studio, so much so that he didn’t change into the clothes that he had brought along for after the stunt. And also, yeah, he has fire in his eye when he plays basketball, and tennis, and (in my opinion) anything else competitive. I mean, you guys heard the Best Of from the other day, where he and Ellis were playing Pictionary against CumTard and…some guy….some comic book guy…god, whose name I seriously can not remember right now, but man Tully got full on snarky within seconds of beginning to draw. And apparently, pick up basketball at LA Fitness is a sewer of lying, cheating, pieces of shit who have fights over the score and call stupid fouls because they’re sore losers and Tully basically needs to get his trash talk on. Ellis, of course, is also a man with fire in his eye, and he used to say ‘Fuck’ at the vert ramp. Like, a lot. He said there were times that he should have put a plug in it, but he didn’t, and- hey, speaking of skating, Ellis is thinking of going to Venice Beach this weekend and get his skate on. That sounds so lame. Obviously I have never done more than rolled down the street on my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles skateboard back when I was eight. But yeah, Ellis went for a bit of a ride around on his new deck yesterday and did a couple ollies and went ‘weeeeee’ and landed them, like a professional skateboarder does, and he doesn’t have the kiddies Saturday so GAME ON, MOTHERFUCKER!!! Ellis says that he feels like his body still knows how to skate and he’s pretty sure if he got on a vert ramp and was given 5 minutes he would be able to pull some shit out, but there is a part of him that so seriously does not want to run into anybody and really really does not want to fall.

Ellis watched some videos of him racing UTV’s when he went last weekend and even though he didn’t do so bad, he says that he is a bad driver and he sees a lot of room for improvement. He says that he wiggles too much in there and needs to tighten things up a bit, because things like that mean seconds in terms of improvement and races are won in those seconds. Red Dragons. Maybe. Ellis then talked about how he saw a story that some 15 year old kid who was racing in the Lucas Oil Series got shit whipped and punctured and lung and just, Fuck that, man. Ellis would be so pissed if he were racing and after all of that time and effort and hard work he did something that almost made him die. Fuck that. Super bitter. But Tully chimes in to say that, well, shit like that can happen even if you aren’t racing UTVs. Lungs be collapsin all over the damn place. Sometimes they do it for no reason (that’s me lying to you) and, you know, hey, you could be walking down the street and someone could be trying to rob a bank by throwing a brick through the window (because of all of the times that has been tried and worked) and since they obviously aren’t very bright as they are trying to rob a bank by smashing a window, they miss the window and the brick hits you square in the chest and bing, bang, boom, motherfucker, you have a broken lung. Or something. Anything could kill any one of us at any time, so we really should all just stay home, except no, because most Fatal Accidents occur inside the home, according to Tully, so really there’s no reason to get out of bed, but uh-oh, there are tons of ways to die in bed as well. Fuck it. Ellis makes a joke about how he would die in bed, and Tully does that whole guy thing where he’s like “Hell yeah!” but quickly takes it back, because really, that isn’t the shittiest way to die, but it isn’t the best way to go either. Ellis agrees saying that it’s gotta suck to be all of a sudden having a great time, to having a heart attack and that fear and then being dead and then having the lady your with shaking you and pumping on your chest trying to bring you back to life while she cries out your name, because at that moment in time, every lady turns into that stereotypical heroin junkie girlfriend pathetic and desperately trying to revive her OD’d lover. That’s a proven fact, son. Tully brings up that if he were given the choice if he were fatally ill and had the oppurtunity, he’d give his family his farewell speech and get high as fuck until there was no more high to fuck. Ellis is super on board with this idea and they riff for a while about getting high and dying, which really wasn’t as morbid as it sounds, and Ellis talks about different ways to go out with the highest fuck of a bang with the contenders being getting super high and shot over/into the Grand Canyon, getting high and shot into space, or getting high and going into a submarine and into the deep ocean to be chill and isolated and depressed as fuck for his last few days while listening to Morrissey. Well, Tully finds that last idea unappealing, but that motherfucker hates the beach. Who hates the beach? I mean, he’s from Jersey. There was a really horrible show about a the Jersey Shore…how can he hate the beach? And that sand excuse? Fuck that. Sand is wonderful. And it washes off and vaccuums right up. I know. I live on an island. There’s sand around here in fucking excellent supply, even if you’re in the middle of the island. But, Tully does agree that if you’re gonna do something super depressing while your dying, Morrissey is the way to go because that dude was affected, if you know what I mean, in fact, if you are currently dying or about to shoot yourself in the face or something (please don’t be doing that because I would be really sad) you should prolly check out a song called ‘Asleep’ because it is the ultimate soundtrack to your death if you wanna put it on repeat.

Ellis has been finding some interesting things on Instagram that he kind of can’t believe is on Instagram, as if he posted pictures like that he’d be on his fourth account by now, and one of the things has been a lingerie (Lawn-jer-ay…every time he said it I giggled) line called Belle de Nuit (Beautiful Lady of the Night) and it makes him think that Courtney Love is making a comeback because they have pictures of her on their website, and she doesn’t look all that bad. Which is good. Good for her. Tully thinks that it may be because her daughter, Frances Bean, is old enough now to kind of be the ‘mom’ and make sure that Courtney isn’t flying off the rails, which is also good, but really kinda sad. Tully tells a story about a time when he saw Courtney Love outside of Swinghouse back in the day (the days where she was really nowhere near the rails…well…maybe one kind of rail ;) and he said that she looked completely disconnected from reality with darting eyes and being corralled by a handler and looking like a Junkie ET. Tully then brings up that he is into Jean Provocateur Lingerie, but it’s super expensive and he has yet to actually buy any of it for that Lady Friend of his that he calls his Wife. They get into a discussion about what they find sexy and how their sexual lives started very differently, as Tully had to try and catch sneak peeks of boobs in R-Rated movies and sometimes hang out with that one kid he knew whose dad had a stack of Playboys, whereas Ellis remembers that the first porn he watched as a child (like, fully as a child) included a scene where a bunch of dudes all came on some salad and the ladies ate it. That’s pretty advanced. This led to talks about the other interesting things that Ellis has found on Instagram that should be on an app that Tully needs to invent (before someone else does) called Sinstagram that include some serious dominatrix stuff and that’s cool, even the picture of a girl who was rocking mousetraps on her side thingies (labia) and a giant fishhook up her butt was kind of cool. What Tully brings up that makes Ellis kind of squeamish is the whole Rape Fantasy thing, which Tully purports or rather common in the kink world. Or even the not so kink world. They talk about rape fantasy for a bit, and like I said, Ellis seemed sort of squeamish about the whole thing even though he’s into Domination, but he really doesn’t like the thought of pretending to rape someone. It’s a hard topic to really talk about and not sound kind of like an asshole unless you have a psychology degree…so that’s really all I’m going to say about it. I don’t have a psychology degree.

On to less Rape Fantasy things…Ellis is still looking at houses that he might want to and/or be able to buy and he brought up that whole wanting ninjas to fight him after breakfast idea, and said that may not be the most practical of all things…but he’s kind of thinking that he wants a room in his house to be a Dojo. And if he can’t have that room in his house…he could always build something like that in his backyard, right? Tully says, “Of course” and the subject quickly switches to Tully’s Ice Bucket Challenge Video which is pretty adorable and Ellis says he did a good job. People have been asking Ellis what he thinks of the whole Ice Bucket Challenge now that it’s reached that time in viral trend timeline where people are down on it because everyone is doing it and Ellis replied “16 Million dollars” which is a great reply. They ALSA is actually reporting closer to $40 Million dollars now, so fuck anyone who wants to hate on a silly activity that is doing astounding things for medical research. They talk about Cystic Fibrosis and AIDs research and Ellis talks about how he just wants everything that affects kids to be cured, cause the kids are innocent and they shouldn’t have to die before they even get to be people. It’s so true, my cousin died from Cystic Fibrosis when I was little and…that shit is fucking heartbreaking. Every charity should have something so popular, something that encourages people to donate, because those millions and millions of dollars are going to save lives.

Speaking of little kids, Ellis and Tully DadBro Down a bit about their kids and being fathers for a bit, Ellis saying that he likes hanging with Devin’s 9 year old friends for a few minutes when he picks her up from school because kids are open books, and Tully saying that Little Dude has thoughts no deeper than ‘Choo-choo’ and ‘Dump Truck’ and ‘Thomas’ and it was so much easier to think that deeper thoughts were happening when he didn’t talk so much. Ellis also says that he has been reading to his kids every night and feels like his reading is really improving. It’s a big step for him as a Dad because he always used to try and get out of the bedtime reading thing because he didn’t want to be made fun of for how he reads, and he’s pretty proud that he can read whole stories to them now. And i think that’s fucking awesome. I ‘awwwwwww’d out loud. Especially cause he understands the little dotty things better now.

Rounding out the discussion from the beginning of the show Ellis brings up the Podcast he recorded with Jesse Ventura since it wasn’t the friendliest podcast of all time and asks Cumtard if he’s heard anything from the Jesse Ventura camp as to whether it’s going to be posted or not. So far as anyone knows it’s going to be posted. Apparently they got into a disagreement over legalizing weed and gay marriage (we all know where Ellis sides with this, right?) and the fake/toughness of pro wrestling versus MMA. Again…we all know where Big Daddy J comes down…on the side of MMA. Jesse Ventura, being a former pro wrestler thinks he’s the toughest of the tough of the toughest of all the tough sports…but…whatever…who really cares? Is that guy still a guy? Or a thing? Who the hell cares? Of course MMA is a tougher sport…they’re athletes that are doing real things, not actors with tons of muscles getting fake body slammed again and again.

After the first break, Ellis enlightens us to the fact that he has a razor burn above his penis from where he got waxed…so…he has wax burn (i dunno if that’s a thing, but why not) and it’s uncomfortable and he doesn’t like it and will prolly never get that bit waxed again. Tully tells us about a news story where a man faked his death to get out of marrying his girlfriend because obviously that guy is both a pussy and a dick.  Then they get into a segment where each of the guys in the green room and Tully have picked 5 songs for possible play on Faction with Jason Ellis and Ellis is supposed to yay or nay and try and figure out who picked which song. And honestly…I wasn’t a fan of the segment. It took a long time and they didn’t always say the name of the song, or the band name, and I’m not really good at identifying music (i can’t even really do it to music that I always listen to). So…over the course of an hour clips of songs were played, everything Jetta picked got an ‘uh, no’ and Tully, Will, Cumtard, and HotDog all got at least one or two yesses for their picks.

At Halftime Tully reminds us that there are tons of other causes out there worthy of our attention, including Multiple Sclerosis, which you can learn more about by visiting Jack Osbourne’s site. Also, don’t forget that Ellis’s website is no longer Ellismania…that has been hijacked and it’s over and dead. Instead, go to Offical Jason Ellis and sign up or just watch the free video. Also, if you want, you can listen to TJES even when it isn’t live by using the OnDemand Function that is available with the SiriusXM app…and of course, there is also The Jason Ellis Channel 713 for all of your 24 hour, Jason Ellis needs.

At this point, Tully is about to open up a segment involving stories about people’s crazy ex’s because, “everyone has one” but then Will ruins it by saying, “Except HotDog” because HotDog, that oh so lovable intern who will be doing a second internship with the show so we don’t lose him (yay!!! So many yays!!!) has never had a girlfriend. Tully and Ellis call HotDog into the studio for a chatty chat. HotDog is 21 and a very lovable guy, from what we’ve all heard, and it seems kind of impossible that he has never had a girlfriend or even made out with a girl. But, he has eaten a girl out, which Ellis is quick to correct to he has ‘licked a girl’s cookie’. Hotdog says that sex really isn’t a top priority for him and he doesn’t want to go out and try and pick up girls, but he isn’t opposed to having sex with girls. To me, it just sounds like he doesn’t want to work for it. He doesn’t have anything against fooling around with pornstars, although he doesn’t really want to be jerked off by one poolside in front of a bunch of people, and Ellis believes him that he just really doesn’t care that much. The conversation gets sidetracked by The Wheel of Doom potential tortures, but the best one that gets brought up is from our very own Bitpimps and includes having Hotdog sit on your lap and tickling him til he farts. Oh, the mighty oracle has gifted us with the knowledge again. But then they get back to HotDog, and Ellis spends the rest of this segment kind of pep talking HotDog because Ellis suddenly no longer believes that HotDog doesn’t care about getting laid because he’s a man and men want to get laid and if he doesn’t feel the drive the go out and get laid it’s because he’s spending too much time home alone or with his kookie plant loving roommate (who in my mind looks like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) and he needs to get out there and be all that he can be because he’s awesome. Tully and Ellis tell him to just get out there, maybe join a bowling league, make a movie about his life, make some new friends in LA since he’s all lonely because his friends are back home in San Diego. And I’m like, yeah, go HotDog, just get out there and have fun and meet people and throw your dick around like King Kong!!!! That might not make sense, but I don’t have a dick, so work with me here!!! Tully does bring up that he understands how it could be easier to not have sex nowadays because of the availability of porn, and he says, “It’s just as good” which is when both me and Hubbs stared at the radio. Nononono, Tully…Watching Porn with dick in your hand is nowhere even in the same ball park as fucking. At All. No. Sex is…so much more wonderful with someone else there!!! I mean…just damn. Get out there HotDog!!! You’re adorable!!! Chicks want to bang you, you just don’t know it yet! Girls need to be chased a little, sometimes!!!

So, today to wrap up the show, they talk about Crazy Ex’s because, you know, everyone has one. Lol. Ellis tells a story that is in his first book, I’m Awesome, about how his first ex wife once showed up at his house while Andrea was there and Andrea had to escape through the garage and the first ex scared the ever loving shit out of her because Andrea knew that she used to beat up on Ellis and not treat him so nice. Will told a story about how his ex called the cops on him for driving her car that they had shared, because, obviously she was a cunt. They took a couple of calls from guys with some extraordinarily crazy exes who beat them with spatula’s and kitchenware, got them arrested and labeled as felons, fired flare guns into their bedrooms and burned their houses down, and…guys…come on…was the sex really that good?!?!?!?!? They all say that the sex was phenomenal and totally worth it…and I’m just like…bitches be out of control. Never let a crazy girl know where you live!!! Seriously…i mean…unless they’re the me kind of crazy. I am the perfect kind of crazy because I went through years of cognitive behavioral therapy and therefore know how to reign in my crazy, but I’m still fucking awesome in bed. Boom. There weren’t really any final calls because it was all of a sudden time to go, so Ellis threw the mic to HotDog and HotDog invited us all to listen in again tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel.

Seriously…crazy girl sex is not worth having your house burned down.

This Week’s Trend: The ALS Ice Bucket Challenge

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Everyone is doing it, it’s been going on for about 2 weeks now. Why aren’t you? Everyone is not only challenging their friends, but also trying to raise the game. You’re just going to do the bucket of ice water over your head? What about that, plus getting tazed? How about that, but after getting punched in the face by an MMA legend? There are all kinds of scenarios you can add to the mix, but that’s not the point. The point is Lou Gehrig’s Disease. That and The Jason Ellis Show. That’s what we’re trying to bring attention to here, a disease, and The Jason Ellis Show. Also, you could be really cool and donate to an ALS charity.

With that, I give you what’s been called “baseball’s Gettysburg Address”. Lou Gehrig’s speech to a sold-out crowd at Yankee Stadium. Only it’s not.

Show Recap for Friday 8/15/2014

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I see you accidentally stumbled upon the Friday recap again, welcome. Today’s show started on a rather sad note, Jay Adams died last night in Mexico from a heart attack. We lmorn the loss of one of skateboarding’s godfathers. On a brighter note, Ellis fought Keith Jardine,  got gassed, got knocked down, and hacked up a couple lung cookies but he had an awesome time. Speaking of some awesome fighting skills, here’s Beiber hittin pads. I’m sure this is just a warm up. Either that or it’s his “time” and doesn’t think his Tampax can hold back the mighty flow erupting from his vagina. As mentioned yesterday Ellis got called out for the Ice Water Bucket Challenge so he decided to have Keith “Hollywood Hitter” Jardine punch him then have the shit poured on him but Keith faked the first punch and Ellis called for a redo and then it was all good. Ellis called out AJ, Rob Corddry, and someone else who isn’t dingo. I can’t remember but tumblr_inline_mqwrpaq1uo1qz4rgphere’s the video so you can figure it out for yourself. Ellis mentioned some dude who mentioned another dude that has hit a woman before and Ellis isn’t cool with dudes that hit women. Neither is NYA so if any of you other dudes that read this think it’s okay to slap your bitch up once in a while or show her whose boss or put that bitch back in her place with a shoe across the grill is mistaken. But if she stabs you with a knife I say go for it, otherwise just enjoy your sammich.

No matter how healthy or unhealthy your diet is, it’s mostly wood. Yummy. Christian came in studio with samples of terrible hip hop from celebrities who should never do hip hop. They were all terrible so if you want heres the list and you can go find them your self on the interwebz. I’m A Celebrity by Spencer Pratt, I Love You by Tila Tequila, Poppa Zow by K Fed, The Situation by The Situation, You Send Me by Brian Austin Green, Rappin Rodney by Rodney Dangerfield, City Of Crimes by Tom Hanks and Dan Akroyd, Freak Of The Week by Ron Jeremy?, Wise Guy by Joe Pesci, ? by LeBron James, Kobe by Kobe Bryant, I Know I Got Skills by Shaquille O’Neil, Right Now by John Sena, Beach Patrol by The Hulk and Hulkamania, and ??? by Floyd Mayweather.

Randy Couture came in studio and I missed the first bit and came in when Randy was talkin about some lady getting up in his face about something. I soon figured out that he was talking about Gym Rescue so I’m pretty sure I really didn’t miss much. Not only is Randy on Gym Rescue but he also got to bump knuckles with Stallone and talk fighting while filming the Expendables movies. Then they talked about people Randy punched, Machine_gun_catpeople Ellis punched, people that other people have punched. Then they talked about acting, actors, and acts that other actors have done. It was a fantastic interview with the Academy Award winning Oscar nominee, Randy Courture but unfortunately it was far too much to include here so you’ll just have to listen to the interview on the replay like all the rest of the common folk.

A 7 year old boy was bitten by a 5 foot Bull Shark in Lake Pontchartrain in Louisiana. I know you’re saying that the lake is brackish (half salt, half fresh) water so how can a shark be there? Here’s some knowledge that I’m droppin on your ass about sharks. Now that you have educated yourself, it’s time for everyone’s favorite game that can hardly be recapped but is hilarious to listen to, The Google Game! The entries were, Can Justin Bieber…, Can Mel Gibson…, Will Angelina Joli…, Is Danzing…, Has Hulk Hogan…, Was Kobe Bryant…, Is Seven Segal…, Is Dennis Rodman…, Does Tara Reid…, and finally Is Cher…

gif_punch-self-in-faceAfter the break Keith Jardine from Ice Bucket Challenge fame sat in with Tully and Ellis. They talked about the UFC and the upcoming fights and punching people in de face and getting punched in de face and everything else about punching and getting punched and then the show was over. It was exciting like watching yer mum try to figure out which fat roll the Cheeto fell into before the dog finds it, OH!

Show Recap for Thursday 8/14/2014

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It’s what we’ve all been waiting for since Ellis signed off on Tuesday, guys, it’s time to find out what went on in New York City in the big contract meeting of doom that may or may not have been all that doomy and equally may or may not have involved lots and lots of use of the Daddy Voice!! As you probably know there was a ‘Best Of’ in place of the regular show for Wednesday as Ellis took a trip to NYC (we over here on the East Coast just call it The City because we all know that, really, it’s the only city that matters) to talk contract with SiriusXM big-wearing wigs…or maybe the wigs are big and the guys are small…or the wigs just look big but they big bosses have small heads…whatever…SiriusXM BigWigs were Daddy Voiced into submission by Ellis and then he returned to California to be the voice on the radio that you didn’t listen to today (I assume since you are here reading this lovely recap on this even lovelier website) and he is happy to be back under the California sun and probably even happier because all of the bullshit is over and done with. Ellis informed us that it was sunny in NY as well, which actually surprised the hell outta me since I woke up yesterday morning and my car was floating down the driveway, just about, thanks to the twelve inches of rain that fell a mere 45 minutes east of Manhattan…but no one really cares about me, everyone wants to know what’s up with the contract!!!!

not gonna tell you yet though cause before Ellis talks contract he needs HotDog to get him some coffee and by the way HotDog, do you ever go out in the sun and OH NY GOD YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY TAKE CARE OF YOUR BACK OF THE NECK HAIR BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS AT LEADT THREE LEVELS OF OFFENSIVE! Back of the neck HotDog hair (and btw saying hotdog hair in my head as I write this has made me never ever want to eat a hotdog again cause…ick) was exposed when HotDog was telling Ellis that he does go out in the sun and yesterday while Ellis was negotiating his still hairless balls off, the Hotdog and family were at Universal Studios doing it up Gangster Style with a VIP ultra inclusive behind the scenes tour- so take that!!

On to the juicy- Ellis stayed at The Night Hotel in NYC which he explicitly did a shout out for because of how much they fucking sucked!!!! Ellis laments that he was late to all of his meetings because his key card to get into the room was constantly faulty and he didn’t know why he bothered anyway as he was only traveling with a backpack and he only used the room to shower because the bed in his room was 5yo race car bed sized. Total bust. Ellis then went on to say that he wasn’t a fan of NYC in general to which I said, “whatever,” but he was more interested in the grassy bits he had to pass to get back to the airport where he hung out for four hours to unwind rather than try and figure out something to do in THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD. But, whatever, kept you hanging on long enough so I’ll get to the contract. WIN. Ellis is soon to be signed on (cause no actual signing has taken place as of yet) for two more years at SiriusXM, though he is not contractually obligated to continue broadcasting in the event of some tragic untimely death in those 2 years. Ellis wasn’t completely handed over control of his own channel but Faction is going to be Faction With Jason Ellis and Ellis has control over 10 solid hours of Faction in addition to being able to add a one hour show, and also he, Tully, Wilson, and Backbone will have more day over what is played on Faction with Jason Ellis. Also, Rawdog Channel will soon commence playing TJES replays on the weekends and one weekend per month there will be a TJES takeover on Faction. To the behind the scenes stuff…starting Monday the show will have an engineer on staff to help with any I that pesky microphone buzzing or spun issues or computer issues or whatever an engineer does to help prevent a wide array of technical difficulties. TJES will also have a Real Producer who has all kinds of credentials and radio street cred who can book fancy guests that don’t want to be on the show now because they communicate with Cumtard. Sorry, love you Cumtard. The show has also been given a bigger budget and approval to do more remote shows and things like that to let them interact more with all of us wonderful fans!! Ellis is pretty happy with the whole thing and says that it’s probably better he wasn’t really given his whole own separate channel at this point in the game because he never really realized how much went into all of this shite and he doesn’t really want to be aggravated about what’s going on on the radio at two in the morning with some stupid DJ doing something moronic that doesn’t involve doing kettle bell swings between playing songs. Ellis talks a little bit about plans for October since there will be no Ellismania this year and it seems there will be some sort of event going on in that terrible New York City place October 18 – 26 involving HorseForce, maybe a cricket game, and an EMX qualifier fight. I got bummed a little bit cause I have a wedding to attend on the 19th…but then I was like ‘weddings are for getting drunk (such a romantic, I am) so who’s gonna care if I show up hungover and proceed with some Hair of the Dog type cure?!?! Fucking no one.

After that talk turns quickly over to the fact that Ellis is going to be racing UTV’s Saturday and Sunday at Lake Elsinore (thank you google for spelling assistance on that one) and everyone and anyone is invited to check that out. Ellis is a little wary because he has to bring the kiddies and he knows Devin isn’t going to be all that into it, but you know what, tough shit. Sometimes being a kid means doing things and going places that you don’t. Tully is quick to agree with this because he has suddenly found himself being a parent who goes to the park every night because that’s what his kid wants to do and he doesn’t really want to go to the park every night but not he’s caught in the vicious cycle of routine. They talk back and forth about the good old days before portable computers that fit in your pocket where you had a grand old time playing with sticks and rocks and the magic substance created when you added water to dirt. Ellis thinks kids today are nowhere near up to the snuff of kids of yesteryear and if he were five years old today going up against any of the five year olds of today, he’d be able to shit whip any of them. To subject you all to my own perspective, Hubbs and I are currently knee deep in the whole issue of having a kid used to his iPad or going to fairs and festivals or bounce houses every weekend and, now that he’s five cannot stop telling us how bored he is if we are not constantly entertaining him. Ugh. Seriously he tried telling me the other day I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to leave him in our fenced in non-pool backyard for two minutes the other day while I ran inside to gets his nerf gun. I dealt with this by laughing, telling him I’m sure he would be alright standing on the porch alone for two minutes and taking my sweet ass time finding new batteries for the nerf gun. Ellis took a couple of calls from fans congratulating him on the contract and electing themselves for a one hour show and we got to hear from OxyCotten John whose idea for ‘Sober Hour with Oxy John’ is a decidedly terrible one.

Back from the break there is a guest in studio who looks like Ellis, is from Australia, and has no idea what TJES is just that’s he’s heard that he looks like the guy who hosts the show…his name is Paul de Gelder and he even sounds a lot like Ellis except that Ellis has that twinge of American in his accent that reveals that he has sold his soul to America. Paul de Gelder is a former Navy Paratrooper/diver kind of guy, which he explains is like the equivalent of being a US Navy Seal who is a current Motivation Speaker and Shark Weeker and Shark Attack Survivor. In other words, he is Ellis’ future Aussie Bestie. They went through Aussie Bro-downs throughout the interview- talking about drinking beer, where they grew up and went to school (which from the way they talked was pretty close to one another), and Ellis expressed a lot of envy over Paul’s robot arm, robot leg, and shark attack story. What was the shark attack story? Well, to try and nutshell it, Paul was swimming in Sydney Harbor for a training exercise and was on his back when a shark came swimming along, thought he looked enough like a seal and chomped into his right thigh. Paul said his first instinct was to do what, by now, we’ve all heard is the thing to do and try and poke it in it’s eye and punch it’s nose, but he wasn’t completely able to because the shark also had his right hand which had been at his side and he couldn’t quite reach it with the left hand. The shark pulled him under the water and started in on the death shake which ripped out his hamstring along with other thigh meat and destroyed his hand. He gets out of the sharks mouth and goes to swim towards his safety boat when he realizes that he can’t swim with his right non-hand and bitten leg and does the best as he can with his left side while trying to keep his right arm above his heart (which he credits to his army training). He gets pulled on to the boats by his friends and promptly passes out and they tourniquet his leg and awakes to his friend Tom-O punching his chest because he thinks his heart stopped and Paul was dying. Paul says this is when he started thinking “today sucks” and the seriousness of the situation sunk in because his friends could not stop swearing and he made the request to Tom-o to “get someone to look after my motorcycle” cause, Aussie Priorities, yo. He was given lots and lots of drugs for the pain including medical grade cocaine (Red Dragons) and after having his hand amputated and the Doctor telling him that if they saved his leg it could catch on fire and he wouldn’t even realize it, Paul recalls  telling the doctor, “Doc, just take my leg and turn me into a terminator.” This guy was really funny, I loved it. He talked about his robot hand and prosthetic leg a bunch, describing the different things his hand could do like ‘beer drinking mode’, ‘nipple gripple mode’, and ‘robot gentleman mode’, and demonstrated to Ellis and Tully a button the sir that made it go all floppy. They talked a bit about fighting and training and how they have twin floppy noses from being broken and Ellis catching punches with his nose as a fighting tactic, and then they talked sharks. Paul holds no Ill will towards the animals and, in fact, loves them and is up to his eyeballs in Shark Activism to save the sharks as they are being killed off and as Apex Predators (aka the things at the top of the food chain) killing them has very far reaching effects that would come to harm humans as well. He mentions that he’ll be going in Shark After Dark that night for Shark Week on the Discovery channel (he was awesome, I watched ye replay of it at like one in the morning and he was super funny and charming and didn’t let Chelsea Handler’s epic plastic surgery face spook him) and he talked a bit about the special he filmed for shark week called Great White Matrix which will air on Saturday involving studying Great White Pups and how they learn to be Great White Predators. All in all he was a great guest and will hopefully be back as a guest in the future after he moves from Australia to Los Angeles with his Beauty Queen girlfriend. He was a great, very entertaining and charming guest and if you have On Demand I would definitely recommend checking out Paul de Gelder on TJES, and in the meantime check him out on social media he is pauldegelder everywhere.

Back from the break following the Aussie Bro Down invasion Tully brings us some random news stories which included some guy who was a caretaker at an old house and found a bunch of whiskey from 1912 that was valued at over a hundred thousand dollars and proceeded to drink it all and then die before he can get prosecuted (from something that probably wasn’t related to drinking all of that whiskey). Also some old lady managed to fly on a plane without paying for a ticket but she won’t explain to the media exactly how she dd it because she’s an American and doesn’t want the terrorists to know. In other news more directly related to The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis has been challenged to the ALS ice bucket challenge by Sam Schacher and he wants to make it really awesome because he’s been challenged a couple of times and this time he really has to actually get it done. They toss ideas back and forth and take calls from listeners where Ellis thinks about doing a Moto jump through a sheet of ice, but eventually settles on getting a bucket of ice water dumped on his head after being punched by Keith Jardine since they’re sparring in the morning anyway. And Ellis is gonna make the $100 donation to ALS research as well.

Next up Tully has a clip of yet another weird and disturbing Canadian PSA which featured puppets singing a song about not putting things in their mouth. It was cheery and prolly should have been remixed to include a ‘that’s what she said’ after every line and I got a good tweet out of it involving me sucking Hubbs’ cock so it didn’t bring me down. Will comes in to get some Wolfknives names out of the way and they only do a couple because Mike Catherwood showed up (leaving me wondering what happened with the whole Heidi and Frank versus Ellis and Tully password game that was discussed on Tuesday) so welcome to the pack Pool Hogan, Gamma Gangster, Wet Blowjob, El Guzy, and Shark Dick!!!!

Mike Catherwood is in the studio for yet another show within a show, but this time it’s a different show within a show with a sick into called Fuckline. So, you know, it’s like Loveline except with Dr. Ellis and Dr. Tully cohosting and a lot more cursing and a lot less beating around the bush using sciencey sounding words. It was a great, hilarious segment that was not lacking for calls from fans looking for advice in their sex lives and we mostly learned that most sex acts can be made successful with the use of poppers and vicodin. It also comes out that you either have sexual chemistry with someone or you don’t and if you’re wife just wants you to whore fuck her all the time there are deeper issues in the relationship, but if you masturbate so much that you no longer want to bother with the whole intimacy thing thn you should just whore fuck her and get it over with. A call comes in from a girl looking for advice as she’s been getting sexually suggestive picture messages from a coworker at in opportune times, but Mike calls out the caller ‘Tiffany’ as Sam Schacher and tells her it’s alright if she’s really calling about the anal sex problem she and her husband have because he’s hung like a horse. Another female caller who wanted to suggest having a female cohost for Fuckline gets brought in on the call and advises Sam to reach for the tequila and feel lucky that she has Luxury Problems. Fuckline was really hilarious an was interspersed with conversations about what could be making Ellis’s jaw all cracky and painful and what he should do about it. They settle on the fact that it’s probably TMJ caused by chomping down on too much Beave…and talk about Luxury Problems! Haha…I’m sympathetic to the whole TMJ thing because I suffer from it and it really does hurt and it’s really annoying and it was always mildly embarrassing getting it treated because I got the treatment from my boss and another coworker and they would routinely advise me to refrain from sucking so much dick…and I think we all know how well that worked out.

And that’s about all folks!!!! A great show this Thursday, sorry for the delay in posting the recap!!!! Xoxo