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Show Recap for Thursday 1/9/2014

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Fucking SiriusXM app. Try again. Fucking shit. Check password. God Damn It To Fucking Hell You Shitball Fucking App! Check twitter. Fuck. Are you serious? Fuck!! Damnshitfuck!! Check app. Check twitter. Check app. Repeat ad nauseum for one hour.

Yeah, that’s how the show began for me, so, if you are one of the many listeners who experienced the same thing and were coming here to find out what you missed…I’d apologize if I weren’t still pissed off. And why am I still pissed off? Because the app imploded toward the end of the show as well and left me high and fucking dry. Of course. Oh, except for the last six minutes. It came back to life for the last six minutes. Because, why not?

Our good friend Jude is in the studio by the time my app decided to start working and for a while I was genuinely soothed by the dulcet tones of his voice because I’m a girl and he’s a guy with a sexy voice and Hubbs wasn’t around to talk to me with his similarly fucking amazing brown sugar butter voice. I came in right smack in the middle of a conversation that I’m not sure I really wanted to know all that much about where Cumtard was talking about drinking a blood blister and Ellis’s headphones kept cutting out. Tully doesn’t think that it would be too bad to suck the juice out of a blood blister if he was getting a blowjob at the same time, but Ellis thinks that it would be better if he drank bloody blister juice before or after receiving a blowjob as to not taint the deed itself. Jude agrees with Ellis more than Tully, though he probably wouldn’t do blood blister sucking at all because he is super not into bodily fluids, and would rather just get the blowjob or have sex. Which turns ironic when Cumtard brings up a story from Jude’s new book Hyena. And yeah…that is the link to go buy it off of Amazon, because you should. Anyway…let me do this up right:

*Cue the epic movie background music*
Much like today, when Jude was a young boy of about 18 or 19 he enjoyed getting laid. At this particular time in his life the object of his affections was a youthful lady moved to the city who banged a lot of black dudes because those are kind of a novelty when you move to the city from SmallTown America. After some vociferous lovemaking on her part, she became pregnant with an unwanted love child and Jude valiantly agreed to be the one to take the young lass to the abortion clinic. Jude, being well versed in life on the mean streets of a big city was familiar with the abortion process, despite his rather young age, and knew that this sweet, young piece of ass would be out of commission for a few weeks following the procedure and the morning of, decided that he would try to get one last sac romp in. As the maiden was not quite in the mood to make the beast with two backs Jude employed all of the tricks in his book in order to get her to consent to being pounded, finally settling on eating her out, as she had been doing black guys and they don’t eat pussy. Apparently. Anyway *cue the rise in dramatic music* Jude sets to work and notices that something is not tasting not quite right. In fact, it tastes like pennies and fish, but he powers through it because he really wants to get laid. Like really. And sometimes you just have to power through that shit. But the taste continues, in fact, it gets worse, so he decides to get on to the pounding (albeit somewhat distracted by remnants of the taste in his beard). Jude takes the girl to the clinic and five minutes after walking in, she comes back out- not because she has decided to keep the baby….but because *throw some drums in there movie music guy…and maybe some horns and cymbals* she had a miscarriage. Bumbumbum BA-DUM!!!!!! If you can’t make the leap…Jude ate miscarried baby goop out of some bitch’s cookie back in the day. Yeah. He did. No wonder he isn’t a fan of bodily fluids. How did the relationship go after that and the utterly silent half hour car ride home? Let’s just say that there’s really no coming back from eating miscarriage product straight from the source…but he still got to drive her car. *Fade to black*

You’re welcome.

Next up on The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis wants to talk about how if he can’t have his own Jason Ellis channel he will overtake Faction to the point where it’s The Jason Ellis Show Channel anyway. What does this mean? He wants the fans of the show and listeners of Faction to really be heard about the music that gets played on Faction and to get the shit music off of the station and sent into the abyss of being played on some other SiriusXM channel. How can this happen? Well, one thing that can be done is for listeners to go here and sign up to be on the Faction Board of Directors where you fill out surveys about the music that gets played on the channel. This, rather simple topic spirals into a lengthy debate/discussion between Ellis, Will, and Tully about Ellis talking about it on the radio and possibly influencing or ‘tainting’ the results of the survey. The gist? Will says that Ellis has a lot of influence and that if he says to listeners “go and vote to get Beck taken off of Faction rotations” that we mindless automatons will go and vote and get Beck taken off of Faction. Which, really isn’t a bad thing, but I guess Will is more afraid of an “insert name of marginally popular band in place of Beck” proclamation of abhorrent suckiness that will get an okay or even more than okay band or song kicked out of the rotation because we are mindless and Ellis says so. What Will wants, what Ellis and Tully want, is for the listeners of Faction to be as happy about the music played on Faction as possible. Obviously there is no making everyone happy about everything all of the time, but, as close as possible is what they’re all aiming for. Calls on the subject are taken. People love 311, people hate 311, everyone hates Beck, someone makes a restaurant analogy that doesn’t quite make sense to me, and a mindless automaton calls (which probably shook Wilson to the bone). Talking about the music played on air, while on the air, qualifies as the worst torture imaginable for Will so Tully and Ellis play some songs that are currently played on the station and pass their judgement in as non-influential way possible.

Back from the break Ellis and Tully are joined in the studio by Jim Florentine and…nope…just him for now cause the other guy is dropping a deuce. Jim Florentine has a really hot wife who Ellis still can’t believe is married to him because she can do so much better as she is smart, beautiful, and really put together and Jim Florentine is…Jim Florentine. Don Jamieson (the guy who just took a shit) joins the party and they talk about how sometimes it’s better if you’re with a woman who’s taste doesn’t run too similar to yours because then you aren’t surprised when shit that you like she hates and vice versa. Tully points out that if you both like metal, then you probably don’t both like the same kind of metal, and if you’re girl says she doesn’t like the new Sabbath even though she likes metal well, then, she just has to die. And that’s messy. And no one wants that. It would be much easier if she liked country and you knew she didn’t like it because she doesn’t effing understand it anyway. Ellis asks Jamieson about himself because he already knows Florentine and apparently Don Jamieson is a guy from Jersey who makes dick jokes that owns 6 guitars and can’t play them. But really, they are on the show because they are comedians with a show on VH1 called That Metal Show and they are funny ass fucks who love metal. They talk a lot about getting laid, how the pickup line “Hey, do you want to sit on my face?” still works (with an apparent 1/10 girl odds in a college bar, in case you were wondering), and farts. I really wasn’t surprised about the pickup line story because the guy I’ve been with for the past 3 or 4 years or whatever got me with the fabulous pick-up “I want to hump your face” because I’m the bitch who says back, “that’s because I have a very humpable face” with the story ending in a hotel room at dawn after no sleep and lots of face humping and other activities. True Story.

Back to Ellis (because no, I’m not trying to create fun and interesting filler to fill the void created in this recap and my life by the SiriusXM app. Not. Notnotnot.) Jim Florentine has never seen the hole of his own ass, or the hole of his wife’s ass. He is more disappointed about one than the other. Apparently his wife is not in to butt play. Which is all fine and good, to each his own, yaddayadda, but I still think it’s weird that he hasn’t at least seen it. I mean…it’s right there! It isn’t really a surprise that she hasn’t seen the hole of his ass considering how much gas comes out of it as Jim and Don are very vocal about their years of fart-based antics. Ellis thinks that their fart stories are gross…but they are also really amazing. I mean…these guys almost downed a plane with their ass-gas, they cleared out a Slipknot after party in a bar at Madison Square Garden that is remembered by Corey Taylor TO THIS DAY, and made Axle Rose’s sister think that the venue they were in was under a terrorist attack. With ass gas. Benji Madden (who wandered into the studio at some point) is duly impressed with their fart stories. But Florentine brings up how he still holds out hope that his wife will eat his ass. Don Jamieson shoots him down saying that once she knows what comes out of there she will never do it, and tells Ellis and Tully that his girlfriend refused to toss his salad after they moved in together and he used the bathroom saying, “Never again.” And, maybe I’m gross (in my notebook approximately every other sentence while taking notes on this is ‘does this mean I’m gross’) because I’ve been with Hubbs for years, I’m well aware at what his butt is capable of, and…yeah, I still do it. So, in case you were wondering…I might be gross. Although…I am also very aware of his bathing habits sooooo…maybe I’m only a little gross? Whatever. It’s fun.

Still talking about farts and the powers of their asses, Ellis asks them what their Instagram handles are, because he wants to see this shit on Instagram. But…they don’t have Instagram!!!!!!! Benji, Tully, and Ellis then break down for them exactly why they should have the popular app, why in fact as entertainers it is kind of their job to have the app, and though Jim Florentine comes out firmly against Instagram in the beginning of the conversation, Benji seems to have him convinced by the end. So…look forward to that folks!!!!!

Up after the break- Bert McCracken and Christian Hand and a new single from Death!Death!Die!

Except then SiriusXM sucks dick and my app shit the fuck out again. Yeah..I know. Fuck me. I tried and tried and tried and finally got back in for the last 6 minutes of the show and listened to some final calls which I didn’t really hear through the hatred screaming in my mind for SiriusXM and their app. I turned to Twitter for help and was told that Bert talked about life in Australia and was awesome (because Duh) and Cumtard is super against the idea of a chick playing around his bum-hole. I heard the tail (ha) end of this and he’ll take a dildo up the butt for the cool amount of $10,000 cash. That’s a pretty high price. In case you don’t know, and are reading this for some reason Mr. Kraft, the anus has a million more nerve endings than the head of your dick so having a dildo up there probs feels pretty fantastical for you. I mean, as a girl, I think it feels like stars bursting into magic. Start small- a pinkie, a tongue, anything…go read my blog, convince yourself. It’s phenomenal. Don’t knock it til you try it. I did hear Adam do his closing, but he didn’t really help my situation…gee thanks guy…and that’s where this all sort of ends. Sorry if you are disappointed. Feel free to hate at me @jennimazky on twitter. Maybe I’ll post pics of my boobs in penance. I dunno. I’m pretty disappointed in myself. Even if it isn’t completely my fault. But that sounds like a bullshit lame excuse.

Things we learned on the Jason Ellis Show today:

Jude ate a black kid

My Blood plays on Liquid Metal

Will is chippy these days

Rude Jude wants to play music picks on the show

It doesn’t get awkward anymore…no one cares

Dropkick Murphy’s are too good for Ellis to be able to convince his fandom that they are bad

Tully likes Vampire Weekend

Wax sounds like the FreeCreditReport.com band

David Blaine is better than Criss Angel, but he’s still a kook

If Tully and Ellis can agree on one thing….it’s Praise the Lord

Funny people can get laid

Jim Florentine would take a blowjob from a sheet with a mouth hole, but would prefer an ugly girl, cause she would try harder

Ellis got 4 blowjobs last night and came 3 1/2 times

Fart jokes will always be funny

Benji Madden is awesome

If you’re going to be in the game, then you have to play the fucking game

Go to PatriotGuard.org

 

***again…I’m sorry about this…I know this wasn’t the recap that you were looking for…and I don’t have the right droids either. Gripe to me on twitter. Don’t hold it against me too long. Love you guys!!!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 10/10/2013

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Before I jump in to the actual re-cap for all of you currently heading to or in Las Vegas for Ellismania 9, I wanted to take a seond and thank all of my absolutely amazing Ellisfam and the guys here at NYA for reaching out to me over this past week and offering support for the tough shit that is going on in my life. I have never known such a wonderful goup of people before and I’m so grateful for all the love being sent my way.

NOW…business as usual…

Happy Australian Birthday to the main man who is the reason that I’m writing this and that you’re reading this…Jason Ellis. The King of the West is either officially or unofficially 42 years old and unsure about how he feels about it because 42 is old. Old enough that all the people walking around the good ol’ US of A who are currently old enough to drink weren’t alive when Ellis was first legally allowed to drink in this country but not so old that he’s hit the point of no return life drop off age (which is 46, according to Tully). Ellisfeels a little bit proud of himself for all that he has accomplished at this point in life, but thinks he probably should feel more proud of himself (and he should) and wants everyone to know that he is looking forward to accomplishments that won’t result in further brain damage like race car driving, skating with his kids, and camping. He has not yet begun to talk about things like insurance or politics, but is taking to heart comments from Devin like, “why are you still doing this?” in regard to him fighting. No, he doesn’t have to pull out of the fight this Saturday at Ellismania 9, but if he gets a black eye in the fight then Devin is gonna sock him one and make his other eye black with her daddy-inherited heacy hands. Good thing she is too young to know about detached retinas.

Tim Sabean called Ellis this morning just to see how things were going and ask if fhe needed anything because Ellis is the King of the West and the show is finally getting some of the SiriusXM TLC that it deserves. Yes, there are still glitches here and there because it’s a new studio and lay the fuck off, but things are getting done. Wilson introduced the ever talked about and never before seen to exist VIP lines for TJES and texted the number to all the VIPs out there…except Butterballs. Ellis mentioned a fight on twitter with the one replay hater who finds listening to morning replays so obnoxious that he feels the need to tweet about it and how he’s fighting a losing battle because Faction is going to be Ellis’s channel one day. Really?!?! Fucking sweet.

Throughout the show we’re getting running commentary on some spanish Soap Operas the guys have playing in the studio which seem to feature a maniac Mexican man who looks like he works at Bruce Lee Burgers and is beating and killing members of his family with blood on his face, wearing the same shirt for days and not giving enough fucks to wipe his nose blood away. Tully says he noticed that everyone in the new building is falling into the TV trap and that it’s the main difference between listening to East Coast versus West Coast SiriusXM. Opie and Anthony never comment on what’s going on on TV, but they’ve been spoiled for so long that the novelty has worn off at this point. Don’t complain about their sudden exclamations over what’s happening just out of our sight…they’re fucking hilarious and if your driving or if your mind has wandered for a second hearing Ellis, Tully, or Rawdog yell, “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!” is the perfect way to snap you back into focus. There’s also another new TV on the wall which beams videos from Tully’s computer to the screen for them all to see easier, but after plugging it into Josh’s computer and re-plugging it into Tully’s it has stopped working. Way to go Josh. But anyway…

There were some fights on last night with the main even being Jake Shields, which is a drag, because despite technically being a good fighter he is a very boring fighter and there are no winners when your main event is a boring fight. You know what fights won’t be boring? The fights happening this weekend at Ellismania 9 that if you (like me) aren’t able to trek out to Vegas you can catch at Ellismania.com. Erika has to drop out of the girl fight because she has a lung infection, but don’t worry, plenty of female listeners answered the call to volunteer themselves as a fill in!!!!! Lots of chicks are ready to get down and dirty at Ellismania and have the oppurtunity to try and beat the shit out of another girl. Is this going to be the last fight every for Ellis? No, probably not, but he is saying that he doesn’t really want to be the main event anymore. Why? Because he isn’t looking to be on the road to pain and go around killing himself training to the point where he forgets that Ellismania is supposed to be fun anymore. He still wants to be in fights, but he wants to be in fun fights fighting leprechauns for a pot o’ gold pinata stuffed with goodies or whatever other fun fight pops into his head. Ellis is in it for the fans. He kept this going alone and kept thinking that if he kept it up long enough that someone bigger would come along and want to be involved, and SiriusXM is finally interested. Determination gets you everywhere!!!

Hey, you know your super cool collection of random bits of audio and rarely heard songs and tidbits from bands/actors/movies that you spent so much time and effort gathering? Well, the joke is on you because it’s all on the internet now!!!! ROFL. But seriously, back in the day it took work to be a fan and you spent time and effort getting your hands on everything and anything that had to do with whatever you were interested in. Now it is all constantly in your pocket or palm courtesy of the free WiFi hotspot you’ve found with your smartphone. Like the video Tully found of Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers choreographring fight scenes for Rocky. Ellis thinks that they should make a tv show for Mexico because they’re TV standards are ridiculous and it would be no problem to come up with an idea. Rawdog brings up a new show being talked about (if only by him) called Celebrity Champion where celebs compete in gymnastics and have Mary Lou Rhetton judge them. It will be a safer show than Splash (where someone thought it would be a good idea to get celebs to high dive with no experience) so viewers can look forward to not seeing someone almost die on the show every week. The lady who is the voice behind Siri has been found, although Apple will neither confirm nor deny it, and Ellis loves Siri because she helps him spell out texts to tell Grant Cobb that he is impressed with the couch that he built for the studio.

Back to fights, out of all of the fights going on at Ellismania this weekend (which I really really really am bummed to not be there you lucky fucks who are!!!!) Ellis is the most concerned about the fight between Sam Ruben and Tera Patrick, mostly because neither one of them wants to be punched in D face and chances are one of them will be, if not both. Sam can try and joke about it as much as he wants, but everyone knows he really can’t roll into work on Monday sporting a black eye becasue KTLA is no joke and have harder asses than the FCC. Although, Tully does point out that morning news programs tend to be more fun and light-hearted and can roll with the punches, so why not roll with the punches that landed on Sam’s face and caused his black eye? After all, there was a newscaster in North Carolina who mistook cat vomit on the bottom of his shoe for grapenuts and ate it. Live. On television. And informed everyone after the fact that it was cat vomit and not grapenuts. As if it being grapenuts excused the action of eating food off of the bottom of his shoe in the first place. Holy fucking shit. What a scofflaw that guy is, huh?

Wait. What? Scofflaw? Where the hell did that come from Rawdog? I have a pretty spectacular vernacular and I had to google that shit to have google yell at me and call me a dumb bitch for not knowing how to spell it. That is some serious prohibition era bullshit to drop like it’s the word ‘jerk’ and expect everyone to know what you’re talking about so dont be surprised you’re getting called out on it and being called a show-off for your off-brand, hipster-know-it-all foul word play, because everyone knows the word plethora because every human being alive has seen the Three Amigos. Ellis knows plethora because he’s better at remembering shit when he’s punched in the face afterward. And for all the other know-it-alls out there who wanna correct facts and be all ‘LOL Oxford-boy, how’d you get that one wrong’ it’s because useless shit falls out of your brain if you don’t have a photographic memory and haven’t been in the halls of learning for more than a decade. By the way, Rawdog, how are you feeling about your fight against Nick Swardson in two days? Apparently Rawdog is feeling the same way about it as he has every other fight and would prefer not to get into even the most vague of specifics concerning strategy or training because it’s gonna be a surprise (both to him and everyone there). But Ellis tells him he better make it good for the fans, because people are pulling crazy stunts to be there and if Ozzy is 60 and jumping around stage for fans at concerts then Josh can put on a good fight.

Yes, more Ellismania stuff because it starts tomorrow and of course they are going to talk about it endlessly today! People are calling in from all over the country and Canada to say they are on their way and they are pumped and who can blame the guys for talking about it?!?!?!?! Aaron from Wyoming will have driven 16 hours by the time of the show tomorrow and is only staying to see TJES at the Hard Rock Hotel poolside because he has to get back home. Tully is going to buy him lunch as an insurance policy against the show sucking, which seems impossible as there will be plenty going on with the Little Miss Jason Ellis pageant and the commencement of butt judging. Wilson says he bets that no one can bribe him over the next few days in order to be judged the best butt…so do your worst!!!!!! Lots of stuff is going to be available for purchase at Ellismania, but also a ton of stuff is going to be given out so keep your twitter alerts active for updates from Ellis and Tully for when they decide to give shit away. Known oppurtunities for freebies thus far are at the DDD! show where Ellis and Tera Patrick will be throwing goodies off stage and Wilson will have cum ra-errrrr…bar towels.

Fartathon 2013 is here! Next week, Tully promises us that there will be a sort of new segment where Unsigned Bands will be facing off against Unsigned Farts!!! The bad news????? No one is sending farts to Ellisparodies@gmail.com !!! What the hell, guys? Just like everybody poops, everybody farts (but they don’t want the poop farts so abstain from sending those) so where have all the flatulent fellas gone? Is Ellis to blame for telling guys that it’s disgusting to fart on or in front of their girls? I am a girl and I will tell you, it’s really okay to fart in front of your lady. Not on her, because then you fully deserve to be kicked in the teeth, but as a girl myself I have come to learn that guys fart. They love to fart. It’s the most natural form of comedy there is! Hubbs farts, I call him Stinky Butt and we move on with life. I for one will have my phone at the ready for his farts so I can do my Ellisfam duty and make sure there’s enough audio for the segment. And they aren’t going to stop talking about farts until they get them, which is why during the Fartathon we learn that termites are the organism on Earth that fart the most and can even turn themselves into self-destructing suicide fart bombers (because who doesn’t want that superpower in a bind), vegetarians fart more than us carnivors, the average person passes gas 14 times a day (so really get over it), and rice is the only food known to man which doesn’t cause your anus to vibrate and spew methane gas.

During the premiere of 12 Years a Slave, the current frontrunner for the next Best Picture, there was some dumb bitch in lace gloves texting throughout the entire movie. Even after another moviegoer requested she cease and desist this woman informed the “enslaver” that her texting was for business and he should self-righteously fuck off. That last part may have been ad-libbed but it fits within the context. Who was this bitch? Madonna. For real. Sources are reliable on this one and Madonna has forever lost her shot so far as Ellis is concerned and whether she knows it or not. No, there shouldn’t be texting during movies because the movies exist to untether you from life for a while and immerse you in another reality and the whole effect is ruined if you won’t let yourself be untethered! Duh!

Wrapping up the show is the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge featuring Tully lining them up and Katie knocking them down. They are up to doing 4 reps of each exercise and Tully performs them with great form sans microphone before we are treated to Katie’s heavy breathing sextacular workout. Katie has always been hot. Hearing her moan as she exercises is mind blowing. And in case you were wondering, her face looks exactly the same as it does sometimes, according to Ellis. And we all know what he’s talking about.

Now…OFF TO ELLISMANIA 9!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today (some of which you may have heard from That Guy Dan already)

If your boss punches you it’s perfectly alright for you to blast him back

Ellis is hard on Vanessa because he wants her to be successful

Your ass doesn’t throbwith pain from being licked- but it might from being kicked

Tully left Ellis because he was still young and free enough to try new things and didn’t want to be the producer

10 years from now Ellis might be sporting either an eye patch or a golden eyeball

When Tully’s wife is away his life is all about Doritos and Parliments

Oregen is like Washington State with a stick up its ass

Tully has never been able to touch his toes

Ligaments, Tendons, and Muscles are not the same things

Tully doesn’t like hearing his farts

Ellis likes hearing his own farts

Flap the lip, get the whip

Your girlfriend might be stupid if she doesn’t turn her phone off at the movies

Great movies are today’s collective religious experience

Katie has bursts of cunt

Ellis won’t celebrate his divorce by getting married later that day

Not every butt gets a sticker, but every butt will be judged.

HAVE FUN at Ellismania 9 to all who are going!!!! Be ridiculous! Safe travels! Take lots of pictures and make all of us who can’t be there insanely jealous and guarantee that we’ll be there next year!!!!!!