Tag Archives: Dingo

AKA Luke Trembath

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/7/2014

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Tie-dye is coming back? It’s only a matter of time until crispy, crimped 80’s hair comes back too.

It’s fucking Monday, you motherfuckers! Let’s fucking see what the motherfucking show has for us motherfuckers today. Well, the fucking white boy is back intro is back in rotation, which I think is a good thing and so does motherfucking Wilson Pendarvalis. Fucking tie-dye has apparently come back, according to motherfucking Dingo and Tully – Tully even saw that fucking shit at the motherfucking Gap. Alright, fine. I’ll scale back on all the “fucking” and “motherfucking” – for now. Dingo didn’t realize Ellis had already spilled the proverbial beans on their make-out session from last week while they were at the Chateau Marmont. Oh la-la! I don’t how this guy ends up being a topic on the show as much, but Sal Masekela talk came up. I don’t even know why or how he fits into the divorced chicks & people kissing other people at the Chateau conversation, but there ya go. Since Ken Block & his wife were there, inevitably, we heard about how rich he is and nobody really knows how he’s still so rich, and he has a waterfall and hot tub and shit. This beget discussion about Ellis MiniMoto Mania and how even though it’s meant as a PG-13 event, there’s no promises a titty or a “fuck” isn’t going to be making an appearance at some point. Super dad weekend sounds like it went off pretty well, Devin even kept her word and rode even though she was really hesitant and had a few freak out sessions. But she did it and that’s what counts! Oh, and she’s okay with shit now too. Ellis almost pulled Fifty’s head off because he kept fucking with Tiger and being a dumb dog. He also ran over Burger because she’s a dumb dog too and tried to bit the tire of Ellis’ bike. The first hour was filled all kinds of information (such as Dingo’s “friend” named Stephanie), stories, and what-not. But the main thing I would like to bring attention to is the fact that Dingo did not speak over anyone in the first hour. So shout out to the man with the luscious locks! He’s becoming quite the radio professional.

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Contrary to what you might think, this is not Dingo meeting people.

What’s Nick Lachey up to these days? He and his wife Vanessa Minnillo left their 18-month-old son at home for a quadruple date with friends where the group ordered red snapper tacos, celery root ravioli, chicken and waffles and warm donuts for dessert. This mega-breaking-story could only be trumped by one thing and one thing only. And that is the fact that Dingo has met Vanessa before. The guy has literally met everyone. Actually there’s another Dingo story we need to discuss. He went to a taco festival Saturday, came home and cough-vomited all over his balcony. Speaking of cough-vomit, we have a porn star named Siri in studio now. From her own Twitter profile: “The face that fucked a thousands dicks.” She’s there to try and record some lines for the show intro. Dingo could care less that’s there’s a porn star swinging a kettle bell in front of his face, he’s got Hollywood shit to do. She did her thing and just like that, she was whisked back out of our lives and out of the studio. But before she left, she left us with a parting message of having 10 guys cum on her head, and it wasn’t even on video, it was just a Wednesday. So real quickly, we go back to the sports desk for some Moto News with Dingo. Villopoto retains his points lead, Stewart has moved ahead of Dungey who is in third and the injured Chad Reed has finally dropped off the top 10 list. Now over to the new desk with Tully for a story about a listener who stuck a ball pump needle in his dickhole and tried to pump up his junk. Quickly back over to Dingo for some piss talk which Ellis isn’t too jazzed about because god damn it, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW! Just kidding, he just doesn’t want people to think he and Katie are constantly giving each other golden showers. Anchorman 2, Dingo and Tully hated it, while Ellis and Wilson thought it was awesome. Wilson thinks maybe they didn’t like it because they’re fucking assholes. This of course led us to talk about Sea World, orcas, and nice cows. Ellis is starting to feel weird about eating cows because they’re so damn nice, or so they want you to think, and that’s when they attack! Total dicks.

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Get ready to learn, it’s history lesson time with Ellis & Dingo!

Frank DeCaro will be on the show tomorrow, which gives us a perfect segue into Napoleon’s little dick. A British show called Dead Famous DNA says it has confirmed that Napoleon had a “very small” pecker, measuring in at a whopping one-and-a-half inches. On this very day in 1947, Henry Ford died, and contrary to popular belief, he did not invent the car, he invented the assembly line. Motherfucker found a way to pump out Model-T’s while inadvertently destroying the lives of future American workers. Tully continued testing Dingo & Ellis’ knowledge of other historical facts about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, George Washington, Pocahontas, and more. It’s always an entertaining time to hear Ellis and Dingo spill their vast knowledge of history. Well motherfucking fuck-shit. My computer is all fucked up and now I’m frantically trying to get this done from my wife’s laptop so I can try to fix my motherfucking machine, so bear with me here. Wilson came in the studio and sounded mad, said he wasn’t going to discuss something or another with Ellis and that he knows what’s what because he’s no dummy. I have no idea what that was about. Tully does not currently have a special place where he wants to fuck his wife other than the bed.  Brock Lesnar still has diverticulitis. Cumtard still has diarrhea, which has been going on since last week. They Skyped up potential fighters for the biggest loser fight at EMX, one stand-out was John. Apparently he’s an ex-wrestler (or maybe current) and a large dude who is also a gym rat, allegedly. He seems like the kind of dude that’s going to turn someone’s ass into a pile of chewed up bubble gum. David Letterman is retiring, Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldolf are dead, like my motherfucking computer, and Octane is unsurprisingly playing horrible music at this very moment – and probably at any given moment. Shout out to Rural Radio. Ted Nugent is a racist asshole, there’s a Goonies sequel in the works, and Trick Daddy was arrested and got plump. There was some more but motherfucking fuck that shit, I’ve got a computer to toil over. Final calls. Bing-bing-bam-popcorn and the shows over.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/31/2014

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No dancing? Gotta cut Footloose!

Welcome to Monday’s recap, I’ll be your guide throughout today’s show. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please just keep them to yourselves until the end of the recap – at which time you can shove them right up inside your mom’s gash. Ellis still doesn’t like the show intro, so he’s going to put on his Rachel voice and do it himself and show everyone how it’s done, but that’s later. Did you know Stevie Wonder grabbed onto both of Dingo’s forearms once? Pretty rad, right? Dingo also met another blind lady once, she swam in the ocean a lot and so now her friend ties a rope around her blind ass and takes her out to sea and starts with the “Marco, Polo” shit. What a mean bitch, right? Did you know Tully had cataracts as a child? His eyeballs were slowly turning to stone! Infinity pools, like magnets, nobody knows exactly how it works, where the fuck does the water go? When Ellis had a pool, he was in it all the time, having parties by himself with the birds, dogs, deer, and shit. Dingo couldn’t go to any pool parties there because his girlfriend at the time didn’t want him to even be around porn chicks. But Tully went to one of the pool parties, he totally hit it off with Sluggo and probably could’ve gotten some, but he exercised some self control and remained an honest, loving, faithful, husband. So remember how Ellis got his new bike, went to ride moto and his chain came loose & he hurt his ankle? He went to ride this weekend, some dude saw his fucked up chain & offered to tighten it for him. He goes to pick up the bike to put it on the rack so dude could tighten up his chain and bickity-bam! He pinched something in his back. Now he needs a backiotomy. Talk turned to a local park, where Dingo for some reason dropped the word “libary”, and Will has seen men in their “underoos” dancing on tables right out in the open and next to the kiddie park he likes to hang out in. I don’t know if someone should call someone or what, but that felt weird just to type. The thing to remember here? Don’t walk your kids past The Abbey unless you’re ready to have “that talk” with them. Talk continued from both sides about whether or not nearly naked people dancing in their underwear should be allowed to do that next to a park, and the other hot button topic – Grenade Gloves customer service. After an hour of this, we get our first break.

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That first time as I child when you see an amputee.

Back from the break and Kelly Osbourne laughing about Ellis shaving his arms is still on Ellis’ mind. But fuck it, he’s gonna continue to shave. A man chopped off his own hand with a homemade guillotine and is threatening to amputate more body parts unless doctors amputate his arm as well. Wilson met a fan of the show who lost his hand due to combat injuries and he shook his left hand, but he’s not sure what’s the appropriate protocol was. Was he supposed to bump elbows, as suggested in the green room? Does he bend down and kiss the nub? Handshakes. How do they work? Tully knew a dude whose brother was the Boston Strangler, so to thwart that awkward moment when people would find out who his brother was, he’d just lead off with “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ and my brother is the Boston strangler.” That’s one hell of a power move. Wilson thinks that’s the equivelent of meeting someone in the bar with, “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ would you blow me?”  Clearly, Wilson is still thinking about the park across from The Abbey. A caller got a surprise when he went to shake hands with someone and next think he knew, he was shaking hands with a man sporting crab hands. Does Jetta like wheels? He must think they’re a little important because he claims they transport coal across the country. I’m calling bullshit on that. Also, Jetta will be spinning the wheel-of-doom soon, so that’s something to look forward to. In the meantime, it was time to name some new Wolfknives. I don’t normally mention any of the names because it’s too much to keep track of, but “Blow Gay Simpson” is a pretty fucking amazing name, given by Tully of course. We salute you Blow Gay Simpson!

deal-with-it

Shitty moto news? Deal with it.

Moto News time and Supercross was in St. Louis this past weekend. James Stewart won for the third consecutive time. Points leader Villopoto came in second and Barcia came in third. Alessi got a shot in the hole and quickly slipped into his second hold with no Tickle time. Ellis is sticking with his prediction of an overall Villopoto win for the season and blah, blah, blah. Sorry, I’m not as good at Moto News as Dingo so I’m just going to stop. Oh. I forgot to mention that Danny Kass has asked a couple times if Death! Death! Die! would play at the Grenade Games, sounds like Ellis and Tully are all for it. Ellis wants him and Dingo do some sweet moto jumps with Dingo, over my sweet Tully, making for a sweet picture. No lame jumps and no lame licks. Time for a game, “Finish the phrase” and it’s about umm, finishing the phrase. Dingo did horrible and surprising, Ellis didn’t do so bad. Regardless, here are a few of the gems:

Dingo: Absinthe makes for a fun night out with your friends.
Ellis: Absence makes for a lonely vag.
Answer: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Dingo: Armed to the future!
Answer: Armed to the teeth.

Dingo: What kind of horse was it? I would normally say eyes. In it’s plastic wrapping?
Answer: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Dingo: Long in the nose. Wait, long in the face!
Answer: Long in the tooth.

Dingo: Your eyes are bigger than life.
Answer: Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

Dingo: Hold your feet to the bone. Hold your feet to the sky.
Answer: Hold your feet to the fire.

teen-worf

Coming up next, TeenWorf.

Dingo: In the country of the blind, Stevie Wonder’s partying.
Ellis: In the country of the blind, everyone is Michael Jackson.
Answer In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

Dingo: A flash in the dark is worth two in the bush.
Ellis: A flash in the hand is worth two in the bush
Answer: A flash in the pan.

Dingo: Cut the fat off.
Ellis: Cut the cloth off Jesus.
Answer: Cut the mustard.

We went to break and next thing we knew, Christian and TeenyWolfy Posey were in studio to help come up with a new Death! Death! Die! song for Posey to be a part of. Fans called in and tweeted some lyrics to try and help, which is always a fun time, and that closed out the show – which ran long, past where anything would be recorded – but that’s alright because the professionals took notes and can handle the rest. After all, they have #1’s on the charts, just like your mom has #1’s in her mouth to make ends meat. OH!

huh-what

Whaaaaat?

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/24/2014

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Oderus Urungus

Welcome to it. This crazy little thing called love. Wait. No. You know what I meant. Who cares, let’s get right into it – deep inside it – in the hole. First things first. Gwar frontman Oderus Urungus died Sunday evening, may the great mothership be covered in his blood and semen! We’ve posted two of his visits to TJES that you should definitely go listen to, he was always a fun guest to have on the show. Let’s lighten the mood a little bit, shall we? Sounds like there was a good turn-out at the Harley Davidson book signing over the weekend. It made Ellis feel way more famous than just some TV news guy, say like… Sam Rubin? Ellis ran into some people he doesn’t hang out with and hasn’t seen in a really long time, like some dude he used to skate with back in the day. Which I can’t remember his name, so you’re just gonna have to trust me, this dude was definitely a dude. Ellismania.com is still down, been down since Friday – apparently it was a victim of an unauthorized domain name transfer. Dingo gets scared when Tully’s all dressed up, or dressed down really. Jeff Emig said something positive about Ellis on Instagram and Ken Block said something negative about Ellis. Ellis went for his first ride on his new bike, he was trying to take it easy and did a little jump where he promptly sprained his ankle and the chain came off his bike. Tully had no such issues this weekend, he rode like like the wind and was doing whips & whoops & shit, you should’a seen him go! Tully had a Monster Energy drink that gave him no energy what-so-ever, matter of fact, it made him sleepy because he’s too much man for some pussy drink.

oderus-urungus

Dingo while reading No You Are?

Dave Boyce, “The Red Dragon Guy”, is in studio today. He’s the brother of Rob “Sluggo” Boyce sometimes and he makes shorts for small Canadian men. He and Moses Itkonen pretty much run that game, so bow down. Quick bit of MMA News time, everyone thought it was funny that anytime a Brazilian lost, the crowd was so silent you could hear a fly fart. Now, on to something else. Dingo says you can’t surf in Thailand, and he’s been there. Nobody believes him because he was there for only two things, to party, and to party harder. Dingo also claims to be domesticated and is generally a very clean person. Nobody believes him on that either. Another claim Dingo made was that he was pet sitting over the weekend for a girl who is a 10. Nobody believes him. Davidia Boyce is impressed with the show, so much so that he hasn’t said more than 10 words yet. He’s finding it difficult to get a word in with Dingo there. HEYOH! And now it’s break time, so he’s not gonna be saying jack shit for at least another 6-10 minutes.

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MMA News with Kenda Perez.

MMA News for real this time, with Kenda Perez on the phone while she’s wearing a Tupac shirt and flower leggings. Oh yeah, and she’s in Las Vegas doing some voice over work for the Best of WEC, the show that she hosts. And there you have it, MMA News. Just kidding. So everyone thought the fight between Fabio Maldonado and Gian Villante was pretty fucking good, especially since the first round looked like Maldonado was gonna get submitted the entire time. And then BOOM! The next two rounds he just kept picking off Villante to the point that nobody could believe he was still standing. Nobody really liked the Rony Jason vs Steven Siler fight because the Brazilian ref stopped the fight so early, but what can you do? He held his head like he was woozy as fuck and went down, tough call. Nobody really liked the Norman Parke vs Leonardo Santos fight either because it went to the judges and ended in a majority draw. Mairbek Taisumov vs Michel Prazeres was an odd fight since Taisumov was so busy checking the the quality of links in the fence that it earned him several warnings and two point deductions. Dan Henderson vs Shogun was pretty awesome though and it ended with Dan knocking out Shogun. Moto News time with expert moto analyst Dingo. Chad Reed is sitting in 10th place in the points standing. Does Kevin Windham have a bit of a lisp? Dingo don’t know, referee bitPimps docked him 1 point for not knowing. James Stewart came-from-behind to for the win and the butt sex. Justin Barcia ended up finishing second, just in front of Ryan Dungey. Villopoto is still in the points lead, but didn’t do so well, saying he was sick and didn’t know the track. Dingo didn’t know if Villopoto was suffering from food poisoning or what, for which referee bitPimps docked him another point. Some dude put up a picture of his 3-ballin’ sack (listen to Three Ballin’) and since Katie is there and likes big loads, naturally the question is does a third ball make you shoot bigger loads? Dingo doesn’t know, and again, referee bitPimps docked him another point. Lattes have arrived which means it’s time Will to shed some blood & cum tears and then time for a break. Dave has managed to squeeze in about 5 more words, bringing his count to 15.

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Cumtard came in sick?

The first ever TJES Listener Talent Show Skype Thing will be this Friday at 2PM Pacific, if you’re not available on Friday at that time, you can send them a Skype video message, allegedly. It’s time for a spelling game between Ellis and Dingo, both of whom are legendary in the spelling bee game. Only they’re not spelling, they’re being given words and have to use them correctly in a sentence, which is still a game because both of them are well known for understanding and using words in a sentence correctly. I guess you could say they superfluous the game? We learned Cumtard has been taking Rogaine and squirting anti-biotics in his eye – while driving his hypotenuse. There was something about an old lady and a car wreck, but nobody could get past what he just brought into the room. He’s got strep throat but doesn’t think he’s contagious because his head and ball cysts nullify the strep. Nobody believes him, 4 potato deduction by referee bitPimps. As soon as throat AIDs boy was escorted from the studio, the game resumed as everyone tried to forget about the sickness floating around the room. Before the break, Dave managed to sneak in 2 more words during the game, which also put him in the lead of the game – but more importantly, it brought his word count up to 17.

Back from break and there’s more homeless people in New York than ever in the history of ever in New or Old York. So German customs officials intercepted a shitment of cocaine destined for the Vatican. Dingo explains how this shit is going down and telling us what is true or not. Nobody believes him. Referee bitPimps gives him a warning this time instead of automatically deducting a point. There’s a serial pee’er out there too, he’s been going around pissing on women, just so ya know. Clark Duke came on the show today, no relation to Frank Dux – duh, they don’t even have the same last name, man. What were you thinking? Oh, sure, blame the writer. It took him a few minutes to get the show, but once he did he played along pretty well. In short, he doesn’t have any type of social media profiles, he’s got a reoccurring character roll on Two and Half Men, and he was very timid when asked if he wanted to record his score on the punch pad. While I’m sure the show is not really his style, he did a good job and was an entertaining guest – according to the judges score card. He stuck around for the remainder of the show and took some calls from listeners, even the ones about loads and wads. Clark hit the punch pad and it’s commonly believed he got a 48. In other numbers news, Dave could not squeeze in anymore words, so he finished with a solid 17, however after the show, he hit the punch pad and registered a 74. ‘Atta boy Dave. And there you have it. That was today’s show, it was good. Jesus died for it, so it only makes sense to make it good, right? Jesus did not die for this recap, so I’m pretty much in the clear on that.

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/17/2014

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oh-you

Oh you! Thanks for reading!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I don’t get it, but whatever, it gives people an excuse to get shitfaced and eat corned beef & cabbage. Also, happy earthquake day! There was a 4.4 magnitude quake in the greater Los Angeles area today. I don’t get it, but whatever, how exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does. Ellis still does not have aids, Dingo acts like he doesn’t, but he sounds pretty raspy today so it might not be a bad idea for him to get his levels checked. The show intro still needs work, specifically the beginning lines. So if you think you’ve got what it takes, then good for you. I don’t know what I meant by that, but whatever, how do magnets work? Disney World makes approximately bookoo monies per day, which is more than Disneyland. The Ellis children’s went to Disneyland this past weekend, there was a lot of fat people there. Wahlburgers. You seen it? Me neither. You plan to see it? Me neither. Let’s move on. Some Jessica girl called into the show to say Ellis got her out of a ticket because she had an EllisMate or Red Dragons sticker on her car. I’m calling bullshit on that, sorry Jessica. Charles Manson and fam lived with one of the Beach Boys & stabbed a Tater-tot. Dingo’s girlfriend is named Stephanie, and as far as we know, she has not claimed to have gotten out of a speeding ticket because she had a Dingo sticker on her car. Cumtard’s ready to party, he’s going to have some whiskey, some beer, and some green eggs – thanks to Tully. We learned that Cumtard thinks he can see orgasms. And he’s not even drunk yet. But whatever, it’s break time.

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Drum roll please.

Kenda called in to discuss MMA News, UFC 171, and drunk chicks on St. Patty’s Day that have to do the walk of shame tomorrow. Ellis thought the undercard was better than the main events, both he and Kenda felt bad for Carlos Condit – so they have that in common. People want to see Nick Diaz fight Johny Hendricks and Kenda says Nick was there at the weigh-ins taunting Hendricks for not making weight and to pitch himself as Hendricks’ next opponent. Anyway, you can check out all that shit online. Sounds like Ellis might be able to race some cars, thanks to TJ Lavin. No details were given because talk instantly went into Ellis & Dingo having a vegemite vehicle, one of them being the passenger and bringing a mad mix tape, and a potential sticker for the truck of Tully bending over backwards and sticking his head between his legs. A guy called in to discuss a dude punching a shark, tully had some video and was trying to set it up while Dingo kept talking, which earned him quick “shut up” from Tully. Cumtard is doing more shots and making gross noises as he does so. His fuck partner, Alexa, is supposed to be coming by the studio so Cumtard can puke on her, but Wilson say’s that’s not allowed. Of course he says that, but let’s just see if anyone listens to him. So Guinness, along with other beer brands, mayors, etc. are pulling out of St. Patrick’s Day parade because lesbian and gay groups aren’t allowed to march openly. And with, it’s break time.

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Heidi and Frank Show? No thanks.

That guy with a 132-pound scrote? He’s dead. From unrelated ball poundage, it was diabeetus! Speaking of death, Frank Kramer is in studio. He’s the co-host of the Heidi and Frank show. You heard it? Me neither. You plan to ever listen? Me neither. His illustrious career includes a stint on AM radio. You know you’re big time when you’re delivering the corn report on an AM station. Since he’s a whackety whacko radio guy, he was going to bring in some whiskey. But he didn’t. Not so whacky now, are ya Frank? Then he did a whacky shot with Cumtard. WHACKTASTIC! This is where Wilson found a reason to come in to bond with his terrestrial radio brethren. Anyway, let’s move on. Cumtard isn’t feeling any pain right now and he swears that Mike Catherwood has said the word’s “eating pussy” on Loveline before. Turns out, he did actually say that, which is absolutely WHACK-A-DOODY! I don’t know what else to say here. I don’t know Frank, I don’t know his show. So there ya go. Break time yet? Close enough.

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Pull the show off the air?

Moto News time. Except there’s not shit to say about it. People rode their bikes, someone went faster than the others, and we’re all pretty sure Alessi is still a bitch-made ass target ass. Fuckin’ Frank is still here. But Alexa is in studio and instantly goes into how her energy drink isn’t doing nearly as much as her cocaine. Her cocaine isn’t doing a whole lot either so she’s thinking about getting into meth. She calls her relationship with Cumtard a win / lose situation because she’s fucking Cumtard, which raises his street cred while her’s go downhill. So the big question is, even though she has low standards, has Cumtard been getting her off? She says yes, but lets face it, she has no idea. Apparently they had their first little argument the other day because she ate someone elses’ puke and didn’t feel too good and didn’t want to go out. So cute. Their argument, not the vomit eating. Starting to get an idea of the caliber of girl that bangs Cumtard? Frank has a wad of money to pitch in if Cumtard pukes directly into Alexa’s mouth (aka baby bird). Pendarvalis (as drunken Cumtard pronounces it) comes in to say he has to take the show off the air if they go through with it. So what’s next? Alexa spit into Cumtard’s mouth. Not in that gross way, but in the classy way. Just kidding. They tried to get Cumtard to eat more eggs & onions so he would barf, he doesn’t want to eat onions. He continues to keep telling everyone how fun, funny, fun to be around, funner, funny, fun, and fun-fun she is. He finally eats some onion eggs from her asshole but doesn’t vomit. Alexa continues to abuse and emasculate him until the show to ended. And there ya go. Recap over.

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Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/10/2014

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It’s time for my shows!

Hello? Is this thing on? Check. Check. Check one, two. Okay kiddies, let’s get this party started. If Ellis were Jewish, he’d be super shiny gold – mystical super shiny gold. He’s back on antibiotics after being bitten by a snake, I assume from the game of sting pong. He’s kicking the shit out of his fat anyway, Dingo is fat and I don’t believe he’s doing jack shit about it, which like Bobby Brown once said, that’s his prerogative. What’s up with the LA Lakers and their bullshit? What’s up with that chick referee? What’s up with fights being online and not TV? What’s up with that book signing Ellis held in Rancho Cucamonga? Sounds like it turned out to be pretty good even though no t-shirts were there until Cumtard drove them out there. Tully wasn’t there, he says he really wanted to be, but let’s be honest, he probably didn’t. Ellis, Tully & Will got presents from Nipplopolis even though Tully & Will weren’t there. Anyways, lines were so big at the book signing that babies couldn’t hear big dudes and Italians are the greatest machinery on the planet. Just use your EllisMate translation decoder device, you’ll understand what all that means.

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What Cumtard must feel like when he comes in with a story.

Devin has been talking about Heelys again so daddy laid it out for her, she’s not allowed to wear them or rollerblades because he name is a stake here. Ellis got caught up in dolls and marathon traffic, so he called Christian because he’s got a bunch of dolls calendar where he marks down events that create higher than average traffic congestion. Apparently Russians in Hollywood are fucking assholes and that means tourism to Russia is lacking because they’re assholes, and maybe too because that place is a miserable shithole. Tully almost rented a room from a good looking, younger Russian chick once, but… Ellis’ neighbor across the street is a hooker and he runs over the parking cones in his driveway. Anyway, Tully, room, Russian chick. He told her about the place where he buys his bread and how shitty the Russian ladies there treat him and wish death upon him. The hot, younger Russian chick told him it’s because they grew up commies and hated it, hated their bosses, basically hated life and that’s just how them bitches roll. Then she was all like “hasta lasagna, don’t get any on ya!” Okay, she didn’t really say that, I just wish she did. We got into some pothole talk, doing stuff with potholes, and how to fix potholes. I don’t believe any motherfucker that says they know how to fix potholes. I think those people just want to spread that sticky shit on the road so we can all hear little rocks of asphalt being permanently tarred to our vehicles. Cumtard thought he was going to punch hot asphalt, thinking some super strong man punched the earth. You can pretty much guess how well that worked out. More pothole talk and then break time.

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When you see Ellis this Saturday, try to act normal.

Ellis is going to be at some Harley Davidson thing on Saturday with a pal, Randy, who shot Ellis in the head with an arrow. It’s okay, he was wearing a helmet. You can come down, he’ll sign your book while he gets an old saggy black woman’s titty tattooed on his chest. Jim Florentine gave Ellis’ book a shoutout on That Metal Show. Moto News time, Barcia and Malcolm Stewart had a little mishap during the races. A quick call from kick-asphalt about filling potholes, and then back to the moto. It was kind of a dick move, but it wasn’t nearly as big of a dick move as Alessi pulled on Tickle. Next up, a bit called Who’s Cooler Than Shaun White? Dingo? Nope. Tully? No. Ellis? Nah, mate. Jetta? He’s not even listening. Cumtard? Be serious. Bill Clinton? Ding. Tony Hawk? Yup. Prince? Totally. Papa Roach? Hahahaa! Brad Pitt? Of course. Jared Leto? For now. A guy that lays pipe under the sea? We can’t even begin to discuss that one. The Kardashians? Only Kim. Michael Phelps? Nah. Ringo Starr? We’ll get back to you on that one. Sean Connery? No way. Mike Tyson? Unfortunately, yes. Kid Rock? Yes, especially in Detroit. Shaq? Hell yes. Samuel L. Jackson? They say no, but I say that’s some motherfucking bullshit. And with that, I’m done writing down all these motherfucking names on this motherfucking recap. After almost 2 hours, we go to break.

sweating-bullets

After being in a frozen hell for months, anything above freezing feels fucking great!

Back from break and we got bitches marrying dogs, saying she “couldn’t think of anything more she’d need from a life partner.” Bitch, is you for real? How about one that doesn’t die in 10-15 years and doesn’t eat their own, or other dogs’ shit? Just a thought. Then we got into some history with well known historians Dingo and Ellis. I didn’t have a chance to jot down notes since I was driving during this segment, but here’s some that I remember. Alexander Graham Bell, most notable for his fat pig of a niece, Amy Bell. He also owned and operated the factory where Bell helmets were forged, and came up with the first analog ringtone, aka an actual bell.  Julius Ceaser, who made the comb-over haircut famous was killed during an orgy with his mother and up to 60 men, including his best friend, Brutus The Barber Beefcake. He also may or may not have invented the sun. Albert Einstein, who made his own mark in the world of hair with his patented “crazy hair.” He also was the first to add and subtract letters instead of numbers, giving math a whole new level of confusing. I know there was a few more, but I can’t remember them. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to remember all these facts anyway, let’s just allow what knowledge has been bestowed on us, to marinate and really sink in to our brains. Dingo went to a rave this weekend with kids that have computers that do things and stuff. Eat your heart out TMZ, you’ll never touch this kind of reporting being done here. This led us into final calls where Jerry was sleeping with a friends husband or something. Sounds like a real stand-up gay man to me. Some other people called about some other shit too, but my brain is still spinning from our history lesson. Well, that or not getting any sleep and the tequila I’m pounding. So just make something up on your own and really, really, really believe in it. That’s how things become actual facts. The fact fairy. And before I go, let me take a moment to tell you about the weather in my area. It is currently 77 degrees Fahrenheit. I really questioned whether we would ever see warmth again in my lifetime, but today gave me hope. Wednesday calls for chances of snow flurries, no shit. Motherfuck. So what’s the weather like in your area? Just kidding, I don’t care about your weather. Only my weather. And that’s why my weather will be winning the world championships of weather this year as it has done for everyday of my awesome guide to life. OH!