It has become a common celebrity excuse. Explain your irrational behavior, that was caught on camera, by saying you were dehydrated and exhausted. That’s Hollywood speak for, “I was sooooo wasted!” Well, Ellis is feeling dehydrated and exhausted. He could take his pants off, or more likely, Cumtard could watch him stab himself to death for an Instagram video the children will never forget.
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It’s time for my shows!
Hello? Is this thing on? Check. Check. Check one, two. Okay kiddies, let’s get this party started. If Ellis were Jewish, he’d be super shiny gold – mystical super shiny gold. He’s back on antibiotics after being bitten by a snake, I assume from the game of sting pong. He’s kicking the shit out of his fat anyway, Dingo is fat and I don’t believe he’s doing jack shit about it, which like Bobby Brown once said, that’s his prerogative. What’s up with the LA Lakers and their bullshit? What’s up with that chick referee? What’s up with fights being online and not TV? What’s up with that book signing Ellis held in Rancho Cucamonga? Sounds like it turned out to be pretty good even though no t-shirts were there until Cumtard drove them out there. Tully wasn’t there, he says he really wanted to be, but let’s be honest, he probably didn’t. Ellis, Tully & Will got presents from Nipplopolis even though Tully & Will weren’t there. Anyways, lines were so big at the book signing that babies couldn’t hear big dudes and Italians are the greatest machinery on the planet. Just use your EllisMate translation decoder device, you’ll understand what all that means.
What Cumtard must feel like when he comes in with a story.
Devin has been talking about Heelys again so daddy laid it out for her, she’s not allowed to wear them or rollerblades because he name is a stake here. Ellis got caught up in dolls and marathon traffic, so he called Christian because he’s got a bunch of dolls calendar where he marks down events that create higher than average traffic congestion. Apparently Russians in Hollywood are fucking assholes and that means tourism to Russia is lacking because they’re assholes, and maybe too because that place is a miserable shithole. Tully almost rented a room from a good looking, younger Russian chick once, but… Ellis’ neighbor across the street is a hooker and he runs over the parking cones in his driveway. Anyway, Tully, room, Russian chick. He told her about the place where he buys his bread and how shitty the Russian ladies there treat him and wish death upon him. The hot, younger Russian chick told him it’s because they grew up commies and hated it, hated their bosses, basically hated life and that’s just how them bitches roll. Then she was all like “hasta lasagna, don’t get any on ya!” Okay, she didn’t really say that, I just wish she did. We got into some pothole talk, doing stuff with potholes, and how to fix potholes. I don’t believe any motherfucker that says they know how to fix potholes. I think those people just want to spread that sticky shit on the road so we can all hear little rocks of asphalt being permanently tarred to our vehicles. Cumtard thought he was going to punch hot asphalt, thinking some super strong man punched the earth. You can pretty much guess how well that worked out. More pothole talk and then break time.
When you see Ellis this Saturday, try to act normal.
Ellis is going to be at some Harley Davidson thing on Saturday with a pal, Randy, who shot Ellis in the head with an arrow. It’s okay, he was wearing a helmet. You can come down, he’ll sign your book while he gets an old saggy black woman’s titty tattooed on his chest. Jim Florentine gave Ellis’ book a shoutout on That Metal Show. Moto News time, Barcia and Malcolm Stewart had a little mishap during the races. A quick call from kick-asphalt about filling potholes, and then back to the moto. It was kind of a dick move, but it wasn’t nearly as big of a dick move as Alessi pulled on Tickle. Next up, a bit called Who’s Cooler Than Shaun White? Dingo? Nope. Tully? No. Ellis? Nah, mate. Jetta? He’s not even listening. Cumtard? Be serious. Bill Clinton? Ding. Tony Hawk? Yup. Prince? Totally. Papa Roach? Hahahaa! Brad Pitt? Of course. Jared Leto? For now. A guy that lays pipe under the sea? We can’t even begin to discuss that one. The Kardashians? Only Kim. Michael Phelps? Nah. Ringo Starr? We’ll get back to you on that one. Sean Connery? No way. Mike Tyson? Unfortunately, yes. Kid Rock? Yes, especially in Detroit. Shaq? Hell yes. Samuel L. Jackson? They say no, but I say that’s some motherfucking bullshit. And with that, I’m done writing down all these motherfucking names on this motherfucking recap. After almost 2 hours, we go to break.
After being in a frozen hell for months, anything above freezing feels fucking great!
Back from break and we got bitches marrying dogs, saying she “couldn’t think of anything more she’d need from a life partner.” Bitch, is you for real? How about one that doesn’t die in 10-15 years and doesn’t eat their own, or other dogs’ shit? Just a thought. Then we got into some history with well known historians Dingo and Ellis. I didn’t have a chance to jot down notes since I was driving during this segment, but here’s some that I remember. Alexander Graham Bell, most notable for his fat pig of a niece, Amy Bell. He also owned and operated the factory where Bell helmets were forged, and came up with the first analog ringtone, aka an actual bell. Julius Ceaser, who made the comb-over haircut famous was killed during an orgy with his mother and up to 60 men, including his best friend, Brutus The Barber Beefcake. He also may or may not have invented the sun. Albert Einstein, who made his own mark in the world of hair with his patented “crazy hair.” He also was the first to add and subtract letters instead of numbers, giving math a whole new level of confusing. I know there was a few more, but I can’t remember them. I mean, it’s not like you’re going to remember all these facts anyway, let’s just allow what knowledge has been bestowed on us, to marinate and really sink in to our brains. Dingo went to a rave this weekend with kids that have computers that do things and stuff. Eat your heart out TMZ, you’ll never touch this kind of reporting being done here. This led us into final calls where Jerry was sleeping with a friends husband or something. Sounds like a real stand-up gay man to me. Some other people called about some other shit too, but my brain is still spinning from our history lesson. Well, that or not getting any sleep and the tequila I’m pounding. So just make something up on your own and really, really, really believe in it. That’s how things become actual facts. The fact fairy. And before I go, let me take a moment to tell you about the weather in my area. It is currently 77 degrees Fahrenheit. I really questioned whether we would ever see warmth again in my lifetime, but today gave me hope. Wednesday calls for chances of snow flurries, no shit. Motherfuck. So what’s the weather like in your area? Just kidding, I don’t care about your weather. Only my weather. And that’s why my weather will be winning the world championships of weather this year as it has done for everyday of my awesome guide to life. OH!
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It’s game time! Today’s game is “What’s on my balls” with @KevinKraftSucks as the contestant. No prizes, no real winners, just a blindfolded Cumtard trying to guess what is being put on his balls.
If you’ve ever wondered how Cumtard sounds in the throws of ecstasy, it sounds exactly like when he’s terrified. High quality & hilarious scream-fest ensues.
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Goodness gracious me…I’m currently in a slight birthday cake coma. It was an Oreo Cookie ice cream cake that the Fat Kid picked out and I had ice cream on Sunday which puts my ice cream intake at a 200% increase compared to my normal ice cream eating habits. No, I’m not a normal person- I don’t really like ice cream that much. I’m also lactose intolerant so that might have something to do with it. I’m also mildly colorblind and I’m allergic to Tylenol and Aspirin. Wait, what? You didn’t come here to read about me? Whatever. I see how it is. Just another female to be used and abused by the predominantly male fan base of that guy you’re actually here to read about. I’m used to it.
On to that guy who talks on the radio every day (I only talk here once a week, why not get to know me a bit- I have boobies…he doesn’t)…Ellis opens up the show talking about how if you’re really not that good you should find something that you’re good at and milk that slot for everything that it’s worth. Yeah, it didn’t make much sense to me either but, Ellis, like me, is beautiful and in case you didn’t know- beautiful people like us don’t have to make sense. Really he’s talking about how he watched a movie and it was a good movie up until the end, and it probably would have been a better movie if the actor guy who’s that guy from that other movie that Ellis couldn’t stand was better at doing his job. It comes out that the movie was called Oldboy and the actor guy from that other movie (Jonah Hex) is called Josh Brolin and he’s a big deal in Hollywood and he’s probably only really able to get away with being a big deal because he’s handsome. One of the big beef’s that Ellis had with the movie was that the effects weren’t good cause at the end of the movie it was supposed to be twenty years later and Brolin came out looking younger than he did when he went in. That’s not right. Oldboy is also apparently the remake of some other movie which may or may not also be called Oldboy and Tully’s chick and CumTard are big fans of the original. Ellis suggests that someone should make a remake of the remake and make it suck less because if it sucked less it would be fucking amazing.
Speaking of movies and actors and visual affects and whatnot, Mr. Will Pendarvis himself comes into the studio to chime in on the subject because he watches True Detective and that show is the ish, mate. Do people still say that? ‘The ish’? I never really got it, but then again, people may have never said it and that could be one of the many, many lies that I tell on a daily basis that I think it the truth because on top of being sort of colorblind, lactose intolerant, and allergic to the most common painkillers known to man…I’m a bit crazy (but I assure you it’s mostly in that sexy, crazy, freak in the sheets kind of way). Anyway, Will says that True Detective is a great TV show and if they can make Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson look older and younger and fatter and thinner and whacked out on smack for television than they should be able to make that other guy look older for that movie called Oldboy. I mean…Old is even in the title, so you think they’d put in some effort there. Will then says that he thought McConnaughey looked golden and glowing like an Oscar while he was accepting his golden statue whom he probably lovingly calls ‘Ozzie’ and Ellis is no longer the biggest fan of McConnaughey in the room. However, Tully and Ellis call Wills sweet reminisce of McConnaughey (typing that name over and over is doing horribly things to my typing rhythm) being a golden god into question and Will challenges them to cue up some photographic evidence. And, wouldn’t ya know…he kind of does look overly dewy and golden and they must have put a ton of stage makeup on him before he went up to be on stage. Go figure. This all spirals into lots of McConnaughey talk- he’s awesome, he’s at the peak of his career, he’s awesome, he’s the new (albeit old) blood leading man that Hollywood needs right now, he’s awesome, he’s awesome, Surfer Dude, awesome, and really…I don’t want to type his name out again for a while. I do agree with Tully saying that the current Hollywood leading men are getting kind of stale because what more are we really going to see of DiCaprio, Pitt, Cruise, Clooney, etc., that we haven’t seen already? I mean, yeah, they are all great actors and they all have great range…but…none of them are pumping out anything that we haven’t seen before and McConnaughey (goddammit) is pushing the envelope and putting out some of the best stuff of his entire career. Go MM! Going to the phones there’s a caller who suggests Tyler Posey (Teen Wolf, DDD! Keytarist) as the next big thing in Hollywood, cause, why the fuck not, but he didn’t have any evidence or gossip, he was just throwing the name out there in the hopes of Beetleguiceing him into super Hollywood fame-dom. This gets the guys on the subject of Posey and the MTV version of Teen Wolf that he is currently killing it on a week to week basis and how MTV Teen Wolf is super dark and full of drama and murder and very unlike the 80’s Michael J. Fox version. Tully brings up that maybe the original script, the one that we have never got to see obvi, could have been filled with murder, Tenn Wolf dunking heads on the basketball court, raping cheerleaders (yikes, I hope not, I’d rather imagine some freaky/furry consensual sex but that’s just me), and all around carnage throughout the basketball season. It’s not that big of a stretch, motherfucker was a legit werewolf. More TV talk about how tv has gotten sweet and movies are going downhill. Tully postulates that Hollywood movies are looking to make the big budget ‘one size fits all’ filibusters that are going to bring in billions on a worldwide market and part of the price you pay for that is overall quality so far as plot and character development (which is you know, what makes a good movie actually good) whereas TV has all the benefits of the good technology, but is only looking to meet the demand of our country. TV has become a niche market and is getting better and better. I’ll take their word for it, because I really don’t watch television (see…fucking crazy bitch right here). A first time listener named Bob, Welcome Bob, called in to tell Ellis that he is hooked and he will continue listening, and thanks for talking about crazy, rapey, murder Teen Wolf werewolf, and well, then, that got awkward fast, but thanks for listening Bob! There is some talk about Law and Order SVU and basically getting the entire cast to come on the show and then go on to chit chat about some of the shows that Tully watches that Ellis should check out like Broad City and Louie. Oh…and there is some race in a desert happening next weekend. Sorry…Racing really doesn’t do it for me. It’s the Mint 400 or 500 or something and there’s gonna be a Tequila truck and Kenda Perez should be Ellis’ imaginary navigator in the happy place where Ellis is actually participating in the event, so that when they got stranded he could bang her, but make sure she knew that it was her idea so that she couldn’t be mad at him afterward.
Back from the break Dr. Drew Pinsky is joining Ellis and Tully in the studio (yayyyyyyyy!!!! I LOVE Dr. Drew!!!) They start the segment off talking about a recent decision handed down by Massachusetts legal system that a man who was taking ‘upskirt’ photos of women was within his legal rights. Why? Well, because their Peeping Tom laws have a big loophole in the wording and state something along the lines of ‘well, bitches aren’t naked so…’ and Dr. Drew thinks that it is fucking insanity. I agree. Hubbs disagreed. Yeah. I know. I was driving when he said this and I almost swerved off the goddamn road. We got into an argument over it. Full on, half hour debate about it where the words, “This is the first time you have actually ever disgusted me” came out of my mouth (his response, “Really? The first time?”) and I was furious and refused to talk to him about it further. That whole silence thing lasted about two and a half minutes because I HAD to understand his point of view on this. His argument was that he thought it was good that Massachusetts ruled based on the existing law because the judicial system can get out of control handing down punishments based on loose interpretations of the written law. He also thinks upskirt photos are hot. Feeling like I no longer knew the man sitting beside me, I went further into the discussion because I just had to understand. Had to. I mean, I know what this man is going to say before he knows usually, and I felt like this was out of left field. It comes down to, no- no one should have their privacy invaded, no one should have photos taken up their skirt/dress without agreeing to it (he is of the opinion that porn star/wanna be porn star upskirts are hot, which I am perfectly fine with and in agreement with), and yeah, he would murder someone who did something like that to me. Thank fucking gods, because for a second there, I was really freaked the fuck out. As of this afternoon Massachusetts did pass a law which banned the act of taking ‘upskirt’ pictures in Massachusetts where the subject was unaware that they were being the object of someone’s fetish. Back to what happened on the show and not in my life (and I’m still of the opinion that you’re a bit nutty if you don’t wanna know what goes on in my life) Dr. Drew thinks this whole upskirt fiasco is just as insane as this spoiled little bitch who is suing her parents for child support, college support, and ‘I’m an asshole’ support in New Jersey. Nothing more on the subject was talked about because Dr. Drew mentioned how he wanted Ellis to be on the show so bad for the upskirt thing, but he wasn’t going to be on (the hot Attorney that Ellis would like to bone is on instead) and they get side tracked and never come back to the subject.
Instead they start talking about how they are a good gay couple. Haha. Seriously though. That wasn’t actually a joke, it was said by Ellis and Drew and I’m pretty sure everyone was in agreement. It happened because when Ellis asked Drew how he was doing, the good doc answered that he was feeling ‘weirdly emotional’ and Ellis pointed out that he’s always emotional, which is good, but he’s kind of like a woman. Dr. Drew took no offense to this because he thinks that women are more evolved and plain old better versions of people than the male counterpart (girl power, yo), and he thinks that he and Ellis pair up well because Ellis has brutal manliness that balances his girliness out rather nicely. Aw. Yay love! They chitchat about Drew’s show and his podcasts for a bit and Dr. Drew says he wants his show to be successful, but it’s also important for him to have it as a base for getting information out there to help people, because that’s why he got in the game. He’s passionate about things and gets fired up about things and talks over people (on accident) not just because the producers tell him to do so, but because he really fucking cares. And..
…and nothing. My app is fucked. I tried everything. I had a bit of a breakdown. But you made it this far and I’m going to assume that you have been thusly entertained because I’m fucking amazeballs, so I’m choosing now to tell you that although I managed to get the app working again for a while, it shit out again for the last hour of the show as well, so…I don’t know what happened. I’ll be waiting for the on demand/morning replay like the rest of you people out there. I am genuinely upset about it, but the other wonderful writers of this site told me to calm down, play with my boobies, and get some hugs from Hubbs (or something like those things) because it’s okay. Shit happens. And…that’s why I love writing here. Yes, I love the show, yes I love writing, but these guys…they’re solid, wonderful people who I can write a really unnecessarily long email to whining about things and they cyber hug me back into my happy place. Boom. I’m super sad I missed Dr. Drew. I love him. I never watch him on tv or listen to his podcasts (big fan I am, right?) but I’ve read a couple of his books (because I’m a geek and also because my sister was an abnormal psych major and I read every book she did, because I’m a geek) and I fricking loved them.
Back from the break (/broken siriusXM app of doom from hellshitfucker) it’s time to talk about that date that Mr. Kevin Kraft went on with Alexa the Pornstar. Because yes folks, he did bang her, and yeah…he’s going to see her again once she’s back from New York. The story goes that Alexa was on the show with Dilleon Harper and AJ and another pornstar whose name I do not recall and did not catch and Kevin knew her publicist, Laney, and Laney then suggested that Alexa do his podcast. She agreed and she and Kevin hit if off (or at least she didn’t hate him) and bonded over death metal bands and video games and she did the podcast and then still didn’t hate him. So he mentioned that there was a concert that weekend and asked if she was going. She wasn’t but he tried to schmooze some tickets as an inside guy and failed miserably. But, she went and got her own ticket and they went to the show together anyway. Before the show, Alexa had even texted him during the week to come and hang out, but Kevin declined because he’s CumTard and doesn’t party it up during the week because he’s a big boy and has a job to do. Tully and Ellis took offense to this because it’s kind of his job to go out with a pornstar and come in the next morning with a great story about it. Really, he’s not the most organized human being ever, so how bad would staying out too late really fuck his job performance? Anyway…so they went to this concert together and hung out with some of her friends there and the party wound up back at CumTard’s apartment because Alexa invited her friends there because she was too wasted to remember that they were her friends, not his, and he was too wasted to say no to someone who has a cookie. The party was pretty rowdy, CumTard and Alexa wound up getting locked out of his room after they had already been inside of it because her friend came in and starting boning some dude on the floor and Alexa didn’t want to hear her friend making sex noises. Some callers and Will had a problem with that because she’s in porn and shouldn’t she be used to it? But I get it and here is my perspective on that. Yeah, Alexa is in porn and her friend may or may not also be in porn and if she is they quite possibly have been in porn together and heard each other making porn sex noises…but…this wasn’t porn. This was real life, not acting in a porn movie. Those were real sex noises that her friend was making not the ‘laying it on thick’ noises that pornstars make for the sake of porn. Sex, no matter what kind of sex, is an intimate sort of thing and really, the only sex noises I want to hear that aren’t coming out of speakers are my own…I wouldn’t want to hear any of my friend’s sex noises. I mean…I’ve heard some random people’s and even that was kind of awkward. My sex noises are fantastic…but I doubt any of my close girlfriends want to hear me being fucked. I was at my biffle’s house on Saturday and yeah, I showed her my tits and she showed me hers and we talked…but I don’t wanna know what she sounds like when she’s getting pounded. So…anyway…Kevin was drunk, Alexa was drunk, there were people fucking in his room, some guy wound up peeing in a cranberry juice jug and Sunday must have sucked while he was cleaning up the multitudes of used condoms and slippery sex juice doorknobs and jugs of random stranger piss. But…he seemed alright with it. Tully thinks he was taken advantage of. I don’t know. He’s Cumtarded. He didn’t have sex with Alexa that night because by the time they got into bed she wasn’t in the mood, but he did have sex with her the night before, and it was good and she was in control and they had sex in a few different positions. He wore a condom, she didn’t suck his dick, and he said it lasted around ten minutes. I’m assuming they both enjoyed it as they are still talking and have plans to see each other again, so I’m going to say congratulations to CumTard for being the only person to take advantage of the fact that he’s on a big satellite radio show other than Ellis.
What we learned on half of The Jason Ellis Show Today:
Matthew McConnaughey is sweet
J Lo keeps her boys’ moisturized
Woody Harrelson is living a sweet life
On screen couples probably bone at least once in real life, to get it out of the way, but the women are probably weird about it afterward
You need a silver bullet to kill a werewolf
Tully has a hard time keeping his classic movie monsters death methods straight
Jason Mamoa wanted to hang out with Ellis at the Chateau Marmont
Richard Belzer is a sick cunt (and that’s a compliment)
Matthew McConnaughey in Dallas Buyer’s Club made Tom Hanks in Philadelphia look like he had the common cold
You can’t drink through the drunk
Al Bundy having a black belt is old news, but Modern Family doesn’t suck
Dr. Drew thinks Piers Morgan is misunderstood
Bindy Irwin is teaming up with SeaWorld and is a sellout because her mother is an American
Death by snake is the worst death by animal ever
Sex with CumTard is exactly what you’d think it is- Very Awkward
35% of porn broadcast in Canada has to be made in Canada
Don’t punch girls in the face during sex unless you know what you’re doing on a BDSM level and you’re both way into it
The girls who really want anal are the ass whores who bring it up to you
Ellis is officially old because he was too busy to have sex with a pornstar
Hockey all day, Porn all night- Oh, Canada