Category Archives: Overviews & Re-Caps

Overviews & re-caps of broadcasts from The Jason Ellis Show.

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

Posted on by
Reply

I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds.  A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)

 

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 11/6/2013

Posted on by
Reply

Evening, you bags of dicks. Sorry, I’m just trying out this nickname thing Ellis was talking about at the beginning of the show. I think Bag of Dicks looks good on you. Maybe not. How about Baby Bag of Dicks? No? Alright let’s get to the show because this joke isn’t working. Jason started talking about The Edge from U2, and how he was edgier when he first started. Rawdog doubts that he was ever Edgy at all, and Tully backed him up and said he just had to out-stupid Bono. Bono got his nickname from some young ruffians who through a series of nicknames and renames he settled on Bono Vox which translates to Good Voice. Because he’s a prick. Ellis asked why they called Magic Johnson ‘Magic’, and Tully said the guy who gave him AIDS probably names him that BECAUSE THAT DUDE HAS HAD AIDS FOR 30 YEARS AND IS STILL ALIVE MAKING WACKY COMMENTARY DURING BASKETBALL SEASON.

Joanna Angel has a new fleshlight if you’ve ever wanted to know what the inside of her vagina feels like. She asked Ellis to tweet and Instagram about it, but he feels weird about throwing that stuff up there these days. It’s one thing to talk about it on the show and another to throw it up where one of his kids or their friends could see. She is going to be on the show tomorrow though with a friend to do some shit so she’ll be able to plug it. Chances are, if you want a Joanna Angel fleshlight, you are already looking at things online that tell you Joanna Angel has a signature fleshlight.

Ellis has a new trainer, but it’s really his old trainer, Rob Garcia. He also has a new manager, because when you want to be the best you’ve got to pay for that shit. He says if you pay for the best training, you motivate yourself to go more. Same thing goes for therapists, you book it and if you don’t make it you have to pay. The same can also be said about Magic Johnson’s AIDS treatment.

The new Death! Death! Die! album is almost here, and the guys once again talked about the songs on the album which include one song dedicated to Wilson Pendarvis and another featuring Everlast. Once again, they jerked you off until got that little lump in your stomach when you are about to cum and they just let go and punched you in the balls and didn’t play anything. They want to get Bert McCracken or Everlast in to debut the songs, and they also want to fuck with us as much as possible.

You’ve got to do little things to make yourself a little better each day. Jason is going to the gym, Tully is planning on going to the gym, Katie is getting a new haircut and Josh is trying an exfoliating technique. Rawdog is just full of little nuggets(No pun intended) of wimpy little blehhh. He’s got little pieces of pumice in a pomade and his girlfriend is rubbing it all over his doughy naked body and then they do it.

The mysteries surrounding the whereabouts of Bill The Scorpion all but died when the guys moved out of Swinghouse. We all hung our heads as the door shut, thinking that one member of the show staff had not made it out of the studio. He escaped from a Chinese take-out box and scurried off into a world of adventure, baby killing, faggot gook slaughtering and banging bitches. Lo and behold! Like the herpes scars on your mom’s lip Bill the Scorpion has returned. Bill found his way into one of Will’s many boxes and hitched a ride to the new Hollywood studio to play Stump The Scorpion. Wilson asked Bill some questions and Tully and Rawdog had to figure out if he knew the answer to the questions. The thing about the scorpion is, he is so hostile and violently racist it’s hard to get an answer out of him in between his stories about fucking dead babies out of a bird that was flying by. Rawdog thinks Liz Taylor is hot, and Bill says he’s fucked cockroaches better looking. As angry as he is, Bill seems to know his shit.

Barack and Michelle Obama are totally into fisting. Which makes sense because dvansvnwvodvnv obamacare afosdvnsvuion fuck yourself with obvious jokes.

Onnit sent over a new zombie bell, and the guys were pumped on it. I know I’d be pumped if someone sent me one of them. Those guys make amazing products and the Zombie/primal bells are probably the coolest way to throw a fucking kettle bell around. Now is as good of a time as any to remind you fucking dicks that NoYouAre is having a contest sponsored by Onnit where you could win one of these kickass Primal bells so get your ass on that! Remember, all of the answers can be found on NYA or the Onnit website.

Hollywood should knock it off with all of the trilogies because they rarely have enough gas to make a good third movie or a second for that matter. The problem with that though is that Hollywood doesn’t give two shits about reviews or making good movies, they care about asses in seats. Most people will see a movie, like it, and then will go see the 2nd, 3rd, 50th version of it because it has the name attached to it. (i.e. , aw)

The guys played the game where they have to guess what celebrity returns the most google search results. This time it was the shared names edition. Chad Reed beats Chad Muska and Chad Kroeger (Red Dragons), Papa John is Bigger than Papa Smurf, Mr. Clean wipes the floor with Mr. T (I’ll go ahead and punch myself in the dick for that) and Lou Diamond Phillips is the most famous Lou. Lou Gosset Jr. sadly did not do enough Iron Eagle movies to make a dent in any of these categories.

Early in the show, the guys sent Vanessa out to get donuts. Towards the end of the show, the guys noticed the donuts had still not arrived. Wilson became very heated with Vanessa saying he doesn’t have time for women and their donut talk, and passed her off to Jetta. Once the donuts finally arrived, the guys brought Vanessa in to defend herself. She says the GPS she put the address on didn’t give her the name and she was calling Will to find out the name of the place. Of course, being the misogynistic bastard that he is, Will screamed at her that he didn’t have time for her donut talk and called her a slut. (Not Really). It turns out the donuts she got were from a place Jetta looked up and not only were they delicious and not only were they succulent, but they were vegan and gluten free. They are called Faux-Nuts, like what Lance Armstrong has. Will and Rawdog thought they were disgusting because they are healthy. Basically Will hates Vanessa, and just the sound of her voice sets him off.   But at the end of the day, Will needs to check his anger and maybe seek some professional help regarding the way he looks at women getting him donuts.

Ok, I’m tapped out. GO CHECK OUT OUR CONTEST. IT’S SPONSORED BY ONNIT. WE FUCKING RULE.

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 11/5/13

Posted on by
Reply

Ssssssshhhhhhhhh… let’s not turn this rape into a murder…

 

 

 

 

 

Now that i have you’re attention, hello! And welcome to the Tuesday recap of the Jason Ellis show. My pancreas is tingling with anticipation. Today, the show kicked off with talk about how thinking is good but you can overdose on it. Especially when you’re a really emotional person and you’ve got a therapist teaching you how to focus your thoughts and all that new age shite. Most of what’s been bugging the Wing lately is some stuff he’s been kind of irresponsible about. Didn’t go into much detail, but if you know him you can take all the guesses you’d like. It was all very melancholy and sounds like Jason may be running himself ragged as he’s known to do from time to time. It’s all due to the fact that he’s constantly got a fight going on in his head over how legit some of his problems are and how much his own mind is making it all seem bigger than it really is (this is all according to Rawdog’s professional psychiatric analysis, and we all know what an expert he is on everything, but this time he sort of actually nailed it). Tully has experienced the same set of feelings and luckily has a super Asian for a wife who explained it all to him. At this point, WILSON decided to kill the mood by highlighting the fact that ARTIE FUCKING LANGE came by to hang out for a while. Right off the bat, the interview started strong and was hilarious as even Artie pointed out that Will is extremely weird to work with even as just a guest, but it’s all those quirks that make him so lovable. The guys talked radio and comedy and all that kind of shit for a while. Artie has a radio show that also gets played on DirecTV and he’s been kicking ass on that for a while. There was some talk about Artie’s health woes and how fun drugs are if you work in show business cause it’s pretty much the only industry other than politics that’ll welcome you back after a multiple year bender. Artie came clean that he and Will are both huge fans of gambling away way more than they should, after Artie told a story about making $140,000 doing standup in Vegas and promptly losing $80,000 of it at the tables and then a bunch more on hookers later that night. Champion, mother fuckers, champion. He explained how when you go to Vegas you can always find a ten thousand dollar hooker and sometimes it won’t be one of the regulars, but just some lady who needs a little extra to top off the rent check. Artie and Stern still talk every so often, but he’s not gonna be back on the Stern show anytime soon cause Howard loves him too much to let him self destruct again with all the hype and pressure. Artie still remembers the time Jason came to the Stern show and had his dick fondled by George Takei. There’s also another book from Artie that’s gonna be coming out soon, perfectly timed to be on sale around the same time as Ellis’ next literary masterpiece, so you can make one run to Barnes & Noble and get all kinds of filth and wisdom without making a second trip. Artie told stories about being in a psych ward and all the hilarity that comes with it, like the roommate who would shit his pants and flip out if anybody tried to help him clean it off, but he would gladly ask for a t-shirt to do it himself. He also spent some time after the psych ward at a resort psych ward and got himself thinking a little better then went to Miami to stay at a country club that also offered drug treatment. It worked pretty well cause he had time to write lots of new material and after his triumphant return to standup, he got the call from DirecTV to put his radio show on TV and BAM! Artie Lange all across your grille. There was more general jaw-jacking and bro-ing down between Ellis and Artie, and Artie is still a funny fucker so it worked really well. And in case you hadn’t heard, yes, Artie got his hooks in a sweet 29 year old and is gonna be getting out of the whoring game for good, cause 46 is too old to be chasing young impressionable women who only want you for a financial transaction (that wasn’t a stab at his fiance, I’m sure she’s a wonderful lady). Also, if you liked Beer League, there’s gonna be another Artie Lange production coming sometime soon, that should certainly trump Dirty Work by several thousand metric tonnes of quality. The guys shared stories and kicked around ideas on stuff for a while longer and it was great to hear everybody doing good this afternoon and Artie is coming back stronger than ever. Lots of funny stuff. Catch it on demand if this recap doesn’t cover enough of it for you, I’ll just go in my dark little corner and cut myself with my frozen tears, you ungrateful fucks.

 

If you’ve ever gotten pulled over and worried you were gonna get a cavity search, you probably made the grave mistake of clenching your ass cheeks together in fear of a ham fisted cop violating your shit locker. Well, it turns out that that can be grounds for internal reorganization if you live in New Mexico and the cops know which hospital they can take you to to get some crooked medical work done. In particular, this one guy got pulled over for rolling through a stop sign and ended up getting TWO rounds of hands on treatment and TWO medical grade colon flushes, only to reveal that he was not in fact carrying any drugs, he just didn’t step hard enough on the brakes and got a slight case of the jitters that caused him to squeeze his asshole while being harassed by some cops that surely had nothing better to do and wanted to get their jollies at someone else’s expense. And just as these sadistic fucking doctors prepped him for surgery and cut open that chili ring for a 100% thorough look, Attorneys all across the land both jumped for joy and cried tears of horrible defeat because all of this was done on a severely expired temporary search warrant. somehow this brought about the topic of race in movies and how Hollywood was way cooler about putting people in blackface in the 80’s than they would be today, but then again Django Unchained would have probably been put down as the most racist shit ever after Birth Of a Nation. And while we’re on the topic of race, Oakley is making a new line of sunglasses specifically designed to fit Asian people’s heads, and while they do have a certain amount of phlebotomist science to back the new design, it’s probably not something that’s gonna be in huge demand because up until now, nobody I’ve ever met has complained that they’re eyes were “too chinky” for a pair of sunglasses. The guys talked UFC for a bit, Jason is gonna be on the documentary for the 20th anniversary of the organization and if you were already gonna be watching it, then there’s one more face to look for in all the people interviewed about the sport and the phenomenon it has become. There’s also gonna be some new fights too, so get it the fuck up ya and watch a bunch of people beat the shit out of each other. There was some Japanese car TV show going on in the background while the guys were talking about the SEMA show. This reminded Ellis that Ricky Carmichael has some awesome newfangled machine on display there and that somebody on the show needs to start doing G.O.A.T. news, news about Ricky Carmichael, or goats. Ellis was contemplating actually going to SEMA this weekend, but can’t cause he’s going horseback riding with the family. Tully on the other hand, has no problem abandoning his child for a day to go ogle flashy pieces of go fast machinery in Las Vegas. There was more talk about riding horseback and taking up archery and bringing shit back to the days of the white man handing out typhoid blankets in exchange for large tracts of ill gotten land! And of course what more perfect segment to follow that up with than the world premiere of G.O.A.T. NEWS!!! Somewhere in DesMoines, Iowa, a goat got loose and after running across the freeway, wandered into a car dealership and needed a tranquilizer dart in the ass to be brought back to justice, or at the very least, his owner’s house. Around this time, Jason got distracted by an adorable sea otter on the TV and the guys had a nice nature moment watching these noble sea mammals doing their normal day to day routine. And what better way to shatter your perception of reality than to learn that sea otters are known to rape and drown baby seals, and fuck other sea otters so hard that they often kill their mate. Honey badgers of the sea, my friends, honey badgers of the mother fucking sea. Tully had a report in front of him regarding the ratings for the current season of The Ultimate Fighter and lately it hasn’t been doing as good as it has in the past. A lot of it was from when they switched channels, but also probably because to a certain extent people are losing interest in reality TV and other networks are shying away from showing MMA cause if the network can’t make a fuck ton of money off 6 hours of airtime for a game that’s only two and a half hours long, then all it would do is fuck up their profit margin to show a fight that could go 20 minutes, or be over in 3. The guys took some phone calls for a bit, some guy felt guilty for getting a lap dance cause he’s got a wife and kids and shit. Really, the only reason he sort of felt guilty is because the lap dance was good enough to cause a little bit of his soul (AKA jizz) to seep out. But at the core of it, if he would’ve old his wife and she said it was OK, he’d have no reason to feel bad, but he didn’t and now he’s gotta say so or else he’s gonna feel like a creepy asshole. Boone called in to suggest a way for the fans to interact with the show, but like a real way not calling in or chatting with Ellis when he goes live and asks for feedback from the fans. The phone call prompted the idea for a new segment called “Name dropping with the fans” where people can call in and be Sam Rubin for a couple minutes. Rawdog started by telling us about how he met Matt Stone and Trey Parker while his dad was recording something for the first set of South Park DVDs. Tully one-upped that one when he told us how he met Lou Diamond Phillips, just out on the street. Somebody tried to call in and say they met Fred Durst, but that shit doesn’t count cause he’s basically a canned ham with a red baseball cap. But that’s not important right now, cause it’s break time yet again and sometimes music is nice to break things up.

 

You may remember a little while back that there were rumors of the mayor of Toronto smoking crack. Well… they’re totally true. He just came out and copped to it. Then he shouted “T-DOT, BITCHES!” and dropped the mic. And then Swollen Members said they won’t be supporting is reelection on their next tour, what with Madchild’s new life outlook on staying away from drugs. And then Marion Barry flew up to Toronto to give him a quick fist bump and there was a very shifty looking handshake/bro-hug thing that happened right after. But hey, at least it’s not like he’s a repeat drunk and a fat son of a bitch who might be known for texting and driving! Am I right guys? You’d vote him in again. It’s not like he’d be any worse than most every other shady rapist looking mother fucker that runs for office. Hell, the Hamburglar would probably be a better candidate for most elected positions than some of the repeat offending white collar organ trafficking pro-NAMBLA pieces of shit we’ve had to vote for the last few runs round the track. But hey, that shit is water under someone else’s bridge cause right now we need to go back to the phones and hear about all the celebrity run-ins the fans have had. The first guy said he met Rooftop Escamilla, cause there’s no way Jason could have ever met an action sports athlete. Next was a dude who got invited to Jesse James house after he built him a custom pair of headlights for some project he was building, and he got to hang out with the guy for a couple hours, but he didn’t even offer him a sandwich or a beer or anything. NOT EVEN A FUCKING RED BULL!!! The next guy who called in said he met the one and only Brock “Cock Chest” Lesnar at his brother’s restaurant where they give you your own steak to cook yourself (cause that’s top notch service, going to someone else’s place to cook your own food and pay them to do it). Next was a young lady who, much like Tully, hung out with Lou Diamond Phillips, only this time it was at a Yo-Gabba-Gabba concert, and Lou is a pretty good dude all around. Some guy called in to talk about meeting Bam Margera like Jason couldn’t possibly have ever gotten to rub shoulders with him before. Some guy called in to say he met Green Day, but he can smoke a bag of dicks because I’ve seen Billy Joe’s son’s band and they’re the kids you hated at your high school, but the talent has certainly not been lost in the next generation. The next call that came in was from a guy who met the one and only Kareem Abdul Jabar back when he was a youngster and Kareem was too tall to properly use the bathroom in the mini motel that his uncle owned and he shat all over the wall. There were calls about Bill Paxton, Jeanne Triplehorn (who is allegedly a cunt), Dogg the Bounty Hunter (who may have irritable bowel syndrome), Wee Man, Michael Phelps (who wouldn’t let a handicapped kid use the same public bathroom as him cause that toilet is too good for his shit), Seal (yeah, that Seal) who was cool enough to share a sandwich with a random dude on a ski lift and make porn recommendations, Bruce Willis (who doesn’t know how to gamble but is friendly as hell), Dave Chapelle, Dimebag Darryl, Afroman, Mickey Mantle (who would even shake down a 6 year old for $50 to get an autograph), Shannon Doherty (who cussed out a waiter cause he wouldn’t give her a discount, like the bitch she has always been known to be), Jimmy Fallon, Dexter Holland from the Offspring (who’s been known to have a shitty band and be high on himself like the mayor of Toronto on a $20 rock), Bruce Willis again, Demi Moore, Papa John Schnatter (who tried to fight a guy at a NASCAR race and would have asked his bodyguard to help), Rick Flair, Papa John again (only this time he’s handing out gift cards at the Kentucky Derby), Kid Rock (who still has a little toot every so often), Michael Phelps again (who might have stole/borrowed a super bowl trophy and took a bunch of guys at a restaurant out drinking with Ray Lewis), The Olsen Twins (cause we all still want to fuck them, no matter how evil they are), one more for Papa John (not from somebody who met him, but he’s part of the anti-gay movement), and last but not least, Michael Keaton, who would be awesome as the new Prime Minister of Australia reprising his two most famous roles as Batman and Beetlejuice. Tully found a news story about Richard Simmons who went to a restaurant with 12 friends and no reservation and demanded a table, and after he was seated with his group, he got up on the table and started dancing like a shit head. After the meal, he tried to get out of paying the bill cause FUCK YOU I’M RICHARD SIMMONS. Of course this was after another excursion where him and his friends skipped out on the bar tab at a club the night before. There were more calls about celebrity encounters, like Liam Neeson, Kal Penn, Sergeant Slaughter, Joanna Angel (this mention was from a tweet that I posted about how I met her at a tattoo convention and got her to sign my copy of The Woodsman), Pierce Brosnan, and then the Beatles started playing by accident and we just called it a break cause fuck it why not?

 

Some metal band has finally come out and said that they are all Beleibers, and that band is Metallica. And deep down, I have to think they’re doing this as a ploy to try and convince him to come to a show and be RIPPED TO FUCKING SHREDS LIKE A PACK OF WOLVES FIGHTING OVER A DEAD ELK!!! But that’s probably just wishful thinking on my part. And in case you all forgot what day it is, it’s New Music Tuesday and that means I get to write the most hateful music reviews you’ve ever fucking seen! First up is Eminem’s new one, and I’ve always liked his work and this one was no exception, except that I really don’t care what Rhianna does and she had a guest spot on this track. Then we heard Celine Dion reminding us why even the Canadians hate the French. Next up was Scott Stapp just making sure that Christian rock is never gonna be mainstream cause the shit is just that fucking terrible. After that was he newest from The Melvins and if you like sludgy old punk, these are a few of the guys who are doing all they can to keep it alive. There was a new one from Tech-9 and while I never got that into him, it was a half decent track from what I heard and could be worth checking out the rest of the album for something better. Next was a new one from James Ferraro and with a market massively saturated by abstract R&B indie shit heads, I would like to request that we get a few pop star assassinations in the works to try and thin the herd out a little bit. Stryper dropped a new record and it was a tasty throwback to the days of lead breaks and riffs that usually required a lot of hair metal, only this time with a Christian edge that made Scott Stapp look like a BITCH. Next was a new one from Future and it featured Miley Cyrus and autotune, which are two musical devices that I could not possibly hate any more than I already do unless I caught them raping my mother. After that was the latest from B-Real and the weed has not slowed him down one bit, unlike so many others. Next up was Protest The Hero being all super new metal and shitting all over a craft that used to take years of suffering to perfect, but now only requires two distortion pedals and a lead singer with no real talent. James Blunt had a new one and if he was trying to one-up his last one he should have gone off and overdosed five years ago, cause one-upping “You’re Beautiful” wouldn’t have taken shit other than changing your style to something worth listening to. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week was the new one from M.I.A. and if you like somebody making shitloads of cash off convincing hipsters that this is “world music” and fleecing their college funds of money that would otherwise be spent on vintage cameras and cocaine, then you should get this album. The guys did a few Wolfknives names and took some final calls, and all was right in the world of people being idiots when required to respond to outside stimulus while using a telephone.

 

Back in my day, I remember that every Christmas, dad would come home and have everyone sit down for a nice family dinner before sending us kids to bed to wait for Santa Claus. One year though, I woke up to use the bathroom and found some big fat fucker in a red suit getting a hummer in the living room from the old man. When I asked what was going on my dad pulled back, let loose a mouthful of jizm and said “You kids are rotten little shits all year round, if you want that new bike you asked for you better turn around and forget what you saw tonight”

 

Red Dragons, Mother fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/4/2013

Posted on by
Reply
my_first_little_boob_job

Show keeps cutting out? Read a book!

It’s Monday and I think the last recap I did was on October 14th, go me! I’d like to thank myself on such an accomplishment. Actually, it’s not all my doing, but still, I’ll take credit for it. So there should be 5 straight days of radio this week, since it’s Monday and all. And Ellis is thinking about changing his kid’s middle name to “Total” so he’d be Tiger “Total” Ellis, totally. So I assume everyone was like me, the show kept cutting out for the first 10 fucking minutes, so I heard something about Rawdog & his dad riding bikes and then Don Henley’s daughter attacking Dingo. I don’t know how those 2 tied into each other, but let’s just pretend that Rawdog & his dad were riding bikes with Don Henley and his daughter when Dingo started shooting at them with a hunting rifle1. Fish are plentiful in Panama, but you can’t talk to them, but if you had an underwater microphone, maybe you could interview a fish here and there. I mean, fuck science, right? Speaking of fish, my daughter’s pet fish died recently, on Friday if memory serves. I think he tried to tell me he was going to commit fishicide, but I couldn’t hear him because I didn’t plug my earbuds into his asshole. Vegetarian talk time, and since I’m not full of stupid, I eat meat and therefore will refrain from talking about any of that bullshit malarkey. What it boils down to is, cows are stupid, fish are stupid, and therefore humans eat them. Maybe we should eat stupid humans. Wait. No. What if you caught the stupid from eating stupid people? I’d want some research done on that before committing to eating a stupid person. Science, get on that please. It’s not like it’d take away from how close you are to a cure for cancer. *cough*

lesbian_horse_stories

More reading material for you and your children.

Ellis is coming off drugs. He got sick in Panama, drank, got some antibiotics and codeine, and didn’t even think about how codeine is a pain reliever and causes constipation. So he wasn’t eating or pooping over this past weekend, then he realized, oh shit! I can’t shit! Why can’t I shit? Oh, it’s because of this anti-shitting sizzurp! So now he’s on his way to feeling all better, eating, pooping, and radio’ing. Dropping your kids off at daycare, babysitter, or school can suck and be a little emotional, but them little shits need to get used to it (as do you) because they have to be normal little fuckups in the world. Nobody can care for your child like you do, unless you’re one of those dirty-ass shitballs whose kids constantly have lice and shit because you’re a gross-ass, shit slob of a parent2. Then pretty much everyone can care for your child way better than you and you should be eaten by smarter people. But hey, enjoy your life now because come Tuesday, you might be busy or something. And that’s exactly why Rawdog has fed pigeons before, you can’t hold the fuckin’ thrill seeker back from anything! You know how Dingo is a surprise expert in some the oddest shit you’d never guess3? Well, even though he admits he doesn’t get on the internet very much, he also appears to be a video game expert – especially, and oddly enough, with the massive multiplayer online genre of games. Ah Dingo. Full of surprises, he is.

public_bathroom_smells

A 26 foot turd will have a formidable scent.

So some chick purposely made herself super constipated and then took what is believed to be the world’s longest shit, coming in at a whopping 26 feet! This of course was the perfect segue into the Bellator fights that nobody watched, apparently King Mo took a shit and was beaten and that sums up Bellator, a complete turd with a few nuts mixed in. Ellis watched some boxing over his weekend of constipation, some dude fought another dude and one of them eventually won! Exciting times in the world of boxing, even less people watched that than the Bellator fights. This brought us to NBA talk about craptastic looking shoes and has-been stars of yesteryear, completing the trifecta of shitty sports that have less viewers than a re-run episode of Hardcastle and McCormick4. Rawdog hacked into the world’s mainframe network to watch some football over the weekend, the Steelers versus the Patriots game to be exact. And it should come as no surprise that he liked the commercials the best and understands commercials, but not football. He knew when a touchdown happened, he saw a long pass or two, he saw “a guy with some long, curly hair” (Troy Polamalu) but was still more impressed with the commercials. Rawdog didn’t know, but Gary Kubiak, coach of the Texans collapsed on the sideline. Turns out he was okay, just a bit sleepy and thirsty. Oh, and don’t forget to watch out for your dogs and their Chinese jerky treats. But you won’t. Because if you haven’t bathed your child since the nurse cleaned it off directly after birth, let’s face it, you’re not doing a god damned thing for your mutt of a dog.

job_well_done

Rawdog after a hard days worth of “Doing Stuff With Rawdog”

Usain Bolt, boy, that guy sure can run – am I right? He ate some chicken nuggets, a lot of chicken nuggets because he hates Chinese food as well as Chinese people. Rawdog pretended to not know anything about this story, but nobody is believing that shit because the technology exists to send alerts to Rawdogs, phone, laptop, toaster, Prius, etc. anytime chicken nuggets are mentioned anywhere in the world. Would guests to The Jason Ellis Show like warm, moist towels – or would they just prefer Dingo’s warm, sweaty hands? This brought us into “Doing Stuff With Rawdog” where the all-knowing Rawdog provides answers to life’s toughest questions. I was stuck in traffic for most of this segment so I didn’t have a chance to field all the questions and answers, but rest assured, you’re probably better off anyway5. Steve Wilkos, President of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee From Kansas City. Steve Wilkos, Former Nobody With His Own Shitty Show For Nobodies. Steve Wilkos, Jesus H. Christ who cares about this dumbshit ass-wipe? See, world? This is why people hate the world, shit shows like this and the shit audience that watches the shit shows6. So what’s the craaaaziest TV moment he’s seen? Two guys taking their shirts off and one of the guys had a single female breast. Has this motherfucker never been on the Internet? Fuck that guy, watch these homeless people instead because it features a dude with no arms & no legs, necking this shit outta some other homeless person. A chick wearing Google Glass, uhh, glasses while driving got a ticket for them shits. Heads up display (HUD) is the shit and I think even safer than checking your dashboard, but you don’t need fucking texts and tweets in front of your face while you drive, ass-fuck7. By now, you may be asking yourself, “sheesh, is bitPimps in a bad mood today or something?” No, not really. But I’ve had a fucking headache since I woke up this morning and that shit isn’t going away8. So let me try to lighten the mood a little bit with a joke or two. Why was the little boy sad? His pet fish died. No? Not doing it for you? How about this one. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, “Why the long face?” He then realizes he is hallucinating the entire situation and is still in solitary confinement, as he has been for 17 years. He cries himself to sleep. OH!

1 That was just pure pretend. I’m sure Dingo would be in jail if it were true.
2 You may or may not be a shit-stupid, sleezeball, motherfucker of a parent, I don’t know.
3 Dingo may or may not be an expert in whatever oddball shit he talks a good game about.
4 There are way more shitty sports than those, but whatever, it’s cool.
5 Mileage may vary, depending on if you qualify to be on the menu for other humans to eat.
6 Aren’t we done with these type of shows yet? Come on, seriously. Please. Stop.
7 Maybe you’re an ass-fuck, maybe you’re not an ass-fuck. But still.
8 I think it’s a sinus headache mixed with stress. Or maybe my period. Who fuckin’ knows.
9 Your mom.
10 She seems like a nice lady.

Show Re-cap for Friday, 11/1/2013

Posted on by
Reply

Welcome to the Friday edition of The Jason Ellis Show recap where we don’t give a fuck. The show started wonderfully because we didn’t hear anybody named Sam, only a sick cunt named Dingo! Tully has recently learned the irreplaceable value and convenience of double zippers. CJH was also in studio and got the honor of being the first guest to sit on photo (1)the new Grant Cobb Super Couch Deluxe. They got on the topic of Vegas and how the casinos pump oxygen in but it’s a myth because Tully said so and he’s smarter than you. There defiantly is cocaine on the room cards though. There was a shooting at LAX today. It sucks and we hope for the best for everyone involved except the gunman, he can eat shit and die. Speaking of eating shit, the guys worked their way to the development of a new contest where they judge celebrity shits. Kit Cope has already got a head start by sending in a couple pictures from his feces file. After talking about Kit’s cables they somehow got onto the topic of Snooki’s future boyfriend and how difficult it will be for Ellis to keep his fist out of the inside of their skull.

Siriacha hot sauce is being taken to court because the smell and constant eye burns are making people get their panties in a bunch. Dingos friend, Josh Wood, came in and told the story of how he exploded his neck when he crashed. The doctors told him that he would never walk again but being an extreme sports guy he had the drive to not accept that. Long story short, he was too stupid to stay hurt and four months later he walked out of rehab. If you want to read more check out his new book, Relentless, available at www.joshwood.com.au. Worlds largest chicken nugget is also kosher and also gives gosh a massive boner followed by premature ejaculation. The guys then played Wilson’s most favoritest game in the world, no not The Rape Game, the Google Auto-Complete Game. Some of the entries were, “I’m bleeding from my…”, “Is it normal to have…”, “My vagina doesn’t…”, and many other gut wrenching entries from the mass of idiots on the internet.

A St. Louis Fire Chief blames the triggering of methane detectors on farts in the stadium. An incredibly gross man has infected armpits. And if guys weren’t gross enough, welcome to Women, Am I Right! According to researchers women expend 30% less energy than men during sex. A woman in a battered wife costume beat up her boyfriend who was The Presidents Cup - Singles Matcheswearing a battered husband costume. A woman asked police officers, full uniformed police officers, to help her murder her husband. Woman robbed bank police checked google history and found shit like, how to rob a bank, what is the penalty for robbing a bank, am I the stuoidest person in the world. There is a growing craigslist trend of women selling other women positive pregnancy tests, so be careful dudes and remember if your gonna go deep, wrap your meat! Woman in Dublin got arrested for streaking through a golf course. A woman somewhere is terrified by The Muppets, ahhhh hahahahahahaha. And a New Zeland woman is partially paralyzed from a hickey.

[This is where I was gonna put the picture of Sam Rubin being a suck ass but I couldn’t find one symbolizing the immensity of ass that this man has his lips around.]

To end the show the guys started to get Reverse award nominees, Best Man/Woman, Smallest Butthole (Sam Ruben), Most Deserving Celebrity, etc. They also filled in nominees for all the other categories and instead of boring you with them all I will remind you the the Least Beat Up Sausage Box has been cancelled again, nobody will ever be able to take that title from yer mum, OH!