Evening, you bags of dicks. Sorry, I’m just trying out this nickname thing Ellis was talking about at the beginning of the show. I think Bag of Dicks looks good on you. Maybe not. How about Baby Bag of Dicks? No? Alright let’s get to the show because this joke isn’t working. Jason started talking about The Edge from U2, and how he was edgier when he first started. Rawdog doubts that he was ever Edgy at all, and Tully backed him up and said he just had to out-stupid Bono. Bono got his nickname from some young ruffians who through a series of nicknames and renames he settled on Bono Vox which translates to Good Voice. Because he’s a prick. Ellis asked why they called Magic Johnson ‘Magic’, and Tully said the guy who gave him AIDS probably names him that BECAUSE THAT DUDE HAS HAD AIDS FOR 30 YEARS AND IS STILL ALIVE MAKING WACKY COMMENTARY DURING BASKETBALL SEASON.
Joanna Angel has a new fleshlight if you’ve ever wanted to know what the inside of her vagina feels like. She asked Ellis to tweet and Instagram about it, but he feels weird about throwing that stuff up there these days. It’s one thing to talk about it on the show and another to throw it up where one of his kids or their friends could see. She is going to be on the show tomorrow though with a friend to do some shit so she’ll be able to plug it. Chances are, if you want a Joanna Angel fleshlight, you are already looking at things online that tell you Joanna Angel has a signature fleshlight.
Ellis has a new trainer, but it’s really his old trainer, Rob Garcia. He also has a new manager, because when you want to be the best you’ve got to pay for that shit. He says if you pay for the best training, you motivate yourself to go more. Same thing goes for therapists, you book it and if you don’t make it you have to pay. The same can also be said about Magic Johnson’s AIDS treatment.
The new Death! Death! Die! album is almost here, and the guys once again talked about the songs on the album which include one song dedicated to Wilson Pendarvis and another featuring Everlast. Once again, they jerked you off until got that little lump in your stomach when you are about to cum and they just let go and punched you in the balls and didn’t play anything. They want to get Bert McCracken or Everlast in to debut the songs, and they also want to fuck with us as much as possible.
You’ve got to do little things to make yourself a little better each day. Jason is going to the gym, Tully is planning on going to the gym, Katie is getting a new haircut and Josh is trying an exfoliating technique. Rawdog is just full of little nuggets(No pun intended) of wimpy little blehhh. He’s got little pieces of pumice in a pomade and his girlfriend is rubbing it all over his doughy naked body and then they do it.
The mysteries surrounding the whereabouts of Bill The Scorpion all but died when the guys moved out of Swinghouse. We all hung our heads as the door shut, thinking that one member of the show staff had not made it out of the studio. He escaped from a Chinese take-out box and scurried off into a world of adventure, baby killing, faggot gook slaughtering and banging bitches. Lo and behold! Like the herpes scars on your mom’s lip Bill the Scorpion has returned. Bill found his way into one of Will’s many boxes and hitched a ride to the new Hollywood studio to play Stump The Scorpion. Wilson asked Bill some questions and Tully and Rawdog had to figure out if he knew the answer to the questions. The thing about the scorpion is, he is so hostile and violently racist it’s hard to get an answer out of him in between his stories about fucking dead babies out of a bird that was flying by. Rawdog thinks Liz Taylor is hot, and Bill says he’s fucked cockroaches better looking. As angry as he is, Bill seems to know his shit.
Barack and Michelle Obama are totally into fisting. Which makes sense because dvansvnwvodvnv obamacare afosdvnsvuion fuck yourself with obvious jokes.
Onnit sent over a new zombie bell, and the guys were pumped on it. I know I’d be pumped if someone sent me one of them. Those guys make amazing products and the Zombie/primal bells are probably the coolest way to throw a fucking kettle bell around. Now is as good of a time as any to remind you fucking dicks that NoYouAre is having a contest sponsored by Onnit where you could win one of these kickass Primal bells so get your ass on that! Remember, all of the answers can be found on NYA or the Onnit website.
Hollywood should knock it off with all of the trilogies because they rarely have enough gas to make a good third movie or a second for that matter. The problem with that though is that Hollywood doesn’t give two shits about reviews or making good movies, they care about asses in seats. Most people will see a movie, like it, and then will go see the 2nd, 3rd, 50th version of it because it has the name attached to it. (i.e. , aw)
The guys played the game where they have to guess what celebrity returns the most google search results. This time it was the shared names edition. Chad Reed beats Chad Muska and Chad Kroeger (Red Dragons), Papa John is Bigger than Papa Smurf, Mr. Clean wipes the floor with Mr. T (I’ll go ahead and punch myself in the dick for that) and Lou Diamond Phillips is the most famous Lou. Lou Gosset Jr. sadly did not do enough Iron Eagle movies to make a dent in any of these categories.
Early in the show, the guys sent Vanessa out to get donuts. Towards the end of the show, the guys noticed the donuts had still not arrived. Wilson became very heated with Vanessa saying he doesn’t have time for women and their donut talk, and passed her off to Jetta. Once the donuts finally arrived, the guys brought Vanessa in to defend herself. She says the GPS she put the address on didn’t give her the name and she was calling Will to find out the name of the place. Of course, being the misogynistic bastard that he is, Will screamed at her that he didn’t have time for her donut talk and called her a slut. (Not Really). It turns out the donuts she got were from a place Jetta looked up and not only were they delicious and not only were they succulent, but they were vegan and gluten free. They are called Faux-Nuts, like what Lance Armstrong has. Will and Rawdog thought they were disgusting because they are healthy. Basically Will hates Vanessa, and just the sound of her voice sets him off. But at the end of the day, Will needs to check his anger and maybe seek some professional help regarding the way he looks at women getting him donuts.
Ok, I’m tapped out. GO CHECK OUT OUR CONTEST. IT’S SPONSORED BY ONNIT. WE FUCKING RULE.