NOYOUAREDOTLIXLINKDOTCOM!!!!! Asking the tough questions so you have something to Google! Questions like “What would happen if a man were to jerk off into a deep fryer?” Would it explode into a grease fire like if you poured water into it? Or would it bounce like a drop of warm blood on a hockey rink? Would it cataclysmically implode the Jack In The Box your pathetic life has decided to land you at? Or maybe it would cause accelerated growth of your sperm cells into some sort of mutant gigantic-headed dolphin/snake type creatures? Maybe it’s time for us to ponder more important things, like what’s happening on the Jason Ellis Show! Today’s show kicked off with Jason showing that he’s probably never gonna be cool with the “Tie Me Kangaroo Down” song ever again cause Rolf Harris is a racist asshole and can choke on a dick down under. Granted, he did make a statement saying that he never really intended it that way, but it’s not too far from being offensive to the natives, so never again, fuckers. Jason feels that Americans are far more entertaining than Australians, except for himself, but then again he’s been living here long enough to learn a thing or two. Tully equated this to Mozart for some reason and presented lots of facts about him that I never knew, but since I never listen to classical music it doesn’t really serve me to have this information. Ellis decided that they needed to sit and listen to some Mozart to see if they can really put a concrete unbiased opinion on whether or not Mozart was as sick of a cunt as history would have us believe. Some Australian guy in Canada called in with some Rolf Harris news and apparently, aside from being a racist, he REALLY likes the kids, like way more than a grown man should, if you catch my drift. The guys listened to some Mozart for a bit and if it didn’t make me feel like I was sitting in a dentist’s office I would probably appreciate it more, but the guys seemed to enjoy it. But it doesn’t display nearly the same amount of talent as Michael Jordan posterizing every other player in the NBA from the early 80’s all the way through the 90’s and a couple years past 2000. At least MJ probably treated his wives better though, Mozart probably cranked out a fuck ton of illegitimate prostitute babies and suffered of a burning dick hole at least the larger half of the end of his life. Tully went into more historical detail about Mozart and classical composers and other such shit, and if you’re a music history nerd you probably shot a load all over yourself, while the rest of us sat back and listened and waited to hear something explode or a fucking heavy riff or something with tits to start bouncing them at us. Luckily though, our great great great grandchildren won’t have to hear about 50 Cent the way people today have to hear about Mozart. And Tony Yayo is luckily so shitty that he never has to really be good at anything, he’ll be remembered forever for that time he stabbed a guy at the BET awards. The guys talked shitty rappers for a minute, cause there really have been a bunch of them, especially in recent years. Guys like City Spud, whose twitter is about as pointless as a spam account offering to make you money at home. Ellis got a chance to talk to his doctor about the lump on the side of his head and it’s definitely not cancer. Might not even need to be cut out, it could just pop all on it’s own, which will be on EllisMania.com if it happens that way. Also, the Porsche is gonna be out of the shop soon and Progressive is gonna have a swollen bleeding asshole after finally covering the repairs they should have from the start. Jason is appreciating his Cadillac rental car though, and it would certainly be a respectable choice for a guy who wants some class and some balls and room for two car seats. Tully watched a guy get killed in a crosswalk one time and knows how important it is to have a car that’ll bounce a human carcass off the hood like a beach ball. Ellis got a chance to sit in on the Greg Fitzsimmons show and the Greg Fitzsimmons podcast, both of which are essentially the same thing, just occurring at different times of day. Greg and the callers tried to pry into Jason’s life a bit in some pretty uncalled for ways, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. Somebody asked if Jason thinks he’s better than Howard Stern and since this is a matter of opinion, of course Jason said yes and everyone else is allowed to think whatever the fuck they want. And people need to quick jocking everybody’s shit, cause sometimes things are none of your business and you’re acting like you’re in junior high even though your a 40-something year old man who runs PerezHilton.com. There was some talk about the medical system and how the doctors are probably awesome people and insurance companies can suck a fat dick, and while we’re at it, let’s cut the cops, firefighters and paramedics a break too. My sister actually is a paramedic, so FUCK YOU we’re cutting them a break, they’ve got some harsh shit to deal with on a day to day basis that most people wouldn’t ever want to do just the one time. Tully remembers back when he was waiting tables and a cop came in to eat and they pushed him forward in line even though the same cop was probably gonna bust up their kegger later that same night, but he probably saved a little kid from being beaten to death by their dad or something, so they let it slide. The guys took to the phones and first call that came through was about how little the government appreciates veterans, and while it’s nothing new, it’s actually getting worse and that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest cause politicians don’t give a fuck about anyone and they all need to get kicked in the cunt with a pair of ice skates. There was a little politics talk, and that usually brings out the best in everybody, but in this particular case the really good point is that all the incumbents need to fuck right off and then we can start seeing if the talent pool has anything other than toddler piss and college level turds in it. Long story short, WWWIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!!! GOTTA TAKE ON THE GOVERNMENT WWWIIILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! Or, we could all take shrooms and paint ourselves blue and go General Butt Naked on each other and just let the vibes guide us for a year or two (that probably worked out great back in the 60’s). Let’s have some Van Halen to think that over for a bit.

In case you didn’t hear, celebrity wife Bruce Jenner recently was briefly mentioned on the Jason Ellis show and then the guys started talking about their plans for the holidays and how family drama can become more entertaining as you get older and get to the point where you can watch it from the outside like an episode of bum fights. Considering my own family, I hope to pass this tradition on to my nieces and nephews someday, cause it’s kinda classic watching a group of people who all want to stab each other repeatedly trying to hold a civilized conversation but you can totally see the blood vessel in the side of their neck bulging like it wants to hop out and choke the mother fucker on the other side of the room. Tully has noticed that his wife may be a stand up lady, but if there was something better to kill time doing, she’d probably go for it. Oh, she denies it, but he knows it’s just for the kid. But she still does laugh for real when his impeccable wit strikes, so it’s not all bad. And that baby that Mrs. Tully is sticking around for is truly half Asian, cause he has a little push bike that he rides around the house and occasionally forgets how to turn or smacks it into a wall and forgets that you can go in reverse. Back to Bruce Jenner real quick, aside from the fact that he’s slowly turning into a bar of Dove soap, he recently rescheduled an appointment to get a procedure done to flatten his Adam’s apple, thus getting one step closer to becoming the ultimate celebrity eunuch. Just kidding folks, the real reason is cause he just never felt comfortable with his trachea, cause I guess that’s a thing now, which means that the Heaven’s Gate people might have been on to something with that whole “kool-aid” deal they did that one time. One of the “Real Housewives of D.C.” is in the news after she had a pay-per-view wedding, with special guests Sammy Hagar and Omarosa, which just goes to show you that the death penelty still needs to exist, but needs a slight tweak to the way it’s applied. And as a special twist, since I don’t watch that shit, this is the same lady that dumped one of the original husbands on the show and ended up marrying one of the guys from Journey. That’s right, everybody, stop believing. Right now. You will not have it any way you want it. No matter what city they move to, I can promise you it was not built on rock and roll. A caller chimed in to let everybody know that she saw Bruce Jenner in the grocery store and his plastic surgery really does look worse than the shit we see in TV and magazines, so I guess that’s one positive point to my day. Canada recently approved a plan for grocery stores to start selling seal meat! Clubbing the babies for their pelts wasn’t enough, now you can come home and have an adorable fatty steak that’ll balance a beach ball on it’s nose. China is going to start buying absolute metric fuck tonnes of British pig semen. They put pretty much everything in everything there, so this doesn’t surprise me so much. At least they’re not using it as some ancient Chinese folk remedy for tuberculosis or small penises. The somewhat famous soccer player Ronaldo (who apparently has no last name) just recently opened a museum devoted entirely to RONALDO!!! RDRDRDRDDRDRRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDONALDO MOTHER FUCKERS!!! And people think I’m an asshole cause I refuse to watch pro football due to the fact that the NFL is officially a non-profit organization. I’ve been saying fuck soccer for years too, people. And in news that only reaffirms my belief that people today are undeniably massive pussies, a 6 year old kid got suspended from school for sexual harassment after he kissed a classmate on the hand. I stand behind Jason’s idea to have the president respond to these kinds of things with a 5 second Instagram video about what a fucking idiot you are and your taxes are gonna go up 185% cause you’re a dumbass and deserve to starve to death in constant ridicule of your fellow citizens. Our last piece of news is that a Japanese man went on a $200,000 crime spree to feed his massive collection of 120 cats. Considering that a lot of people who are really into computers prefer cats as pets cause they don’t need to go outside, and Japan is sucking that technology dick like it’s got the last two pebbles of crack they need to be OK for the night, I have no trouble believing that something like this was gonna happen eventually. But hey, we can make a fuck ton of violins now, am I right? The guys took some phone calls on all the signs of the impending apocalypse that we just heard about, and I had a hell of a day cosigning everyone else’s opinion so I’m not even gonna get into who is or isn’t right about any of it. The guys watched a video of RDRDRDRDRDRONALDO and I’m guessing it mostly looked like soccer, but it had the kind of background music that upper middle class would refer to as “urban.” And on the same vein, let’s get a taste of some Smoked Out Clit.

If you hate the government, you probably also feel very strongly that the rock and roll hall of fame has turned itself into an absolute crock of shit, which segues perfectly into another rousing edition of Shoebox’s Isolated Vocal Extravaganza! But real quick, fuck Cat Stevens and his religions of necessity that can be changed depending on situational emergencies like surfing somewhere you shouldn’t. First in the list of songs today was David Lee Roth’s vocal track from Running with the Devil. Now, I’ve heard this one years ago and without the backing instrumental, it is missing something during all the whoo’s and hAAAAIIIIAAAAAAAAHHAHHHHAAAA’s but the rest of it does show some pretty respectable talent that is rarely seen today. Next up was the raw vocals from Michael Jackson on Man In The Mirror and no matter what you want to say about MJ, it took a lot a of self control not to drop a “SHAAMMONNE!” on everything and the tone control and vibrato he could produce was pretty incredible. Even on the multi tracking, he could harmonize the fuck out of himself. After that was a slightly different tune, namely Kurt Cobain singing one of the Nirvana songs that I couldn’t actually recognize the lyrics of, but as a fan of punk rockers destroying their vocal chords I respect the effort and the finished product was always something I liked. Next, we took a totally different trip and hear Barry Gibb’s raw vocals from Stayin’ alive and no matter how much disco sucks, Barry Gibb was a fucking champion and could easily smash your face through a glass coffee table covered in cocaine and still seduce your mom after she watched him do it. Up next we heard raw vocals from John Lennon on some Beatles song and it really sucks that he got shot in the back, but it’s even worse that Yoko had to come along. Apparently since they recorded everything on four track back then, it was also next to impossible to adjust the tones of any of the sounds on any songs they recorded with extra musicians and excessive instruments beyond the original guitar, bass, drums and vocals, because the way they did it would be to pack a bunch of shit on one track, and then record the next set of stuff absolutely perfectly on the next layer, and so on and so on. It sucks that there’s not more of this stuff, cause it really does go to show how many modern musicians really don’t put any god damn work into the crap they crank out and that’s why it’s pointless to buy CD’s anymore cause before you know it your gonna be swimming in bits of plastic that don’t deserve t ever be put in your stereo again. And the commentary from Christians vast knowledge of weird random music shit is just top notch as well.

Quick bit of news, some firefighters accidentally pumped jet fuel all over a raging fie cause somehow the pump looked just like a fire hydrant or something. Tard session. This prompted Jason to start spitballing ideas for a fire party until he finally landed on having a fire boat. Don’t take it too far out to see though, cause if the boat fire gets out of hand everybody can jump off and swim ashore. Or something. I think they were talking about making a canoe into an island and having a fire there or something, that would be cool too, I suppose. But whatever, cause now it’s time for YOU SIR ARE A MORON! First question, is the number of sexual partners acceptable for a man the same as a woman? Most people would say that in public, it’s all equal, but behind closed doors patriarchy hasn’t gone anywhere. The guys all pretty much agreed on this, except for that small percentage of ladies that doesn’t know how to turn down some dick. Tully started sweating because he doesn’t know how many his wife has had and was about to run home and reenact the “I’M NUMBER THIRTY SEVEN?!?!?!” scene from Clerks. Question number two, does God have a sense of humor? And the answer is obviously yes because he/she/it made the duck billed platypus and YouTube. Next, Who is the worlds greatest athlete? Kelly Slater and Muhammad Ali were mentioned, there’s probably a million other people that could be nominated, but that conversation could go on for years on Sportscenter. Next question, do you believe in luck? And although the guys might use the word, they’re not gonna apply it to everything the same. And some unlucky people in England back around the mid-late nineties got to experience it when Tully and his college buddies came up with the game known as “Poo-Dollar.” After that, the next question was do you believe people are inherently good? Myself, I work with the general public and I can promise you that they’re not all inherently bad, but some of them need to bashed about the skull with a sheleili. Next question, what is the most terrifying natural disaster? Sharknado was suggested, roving packs of monkeys, and poor fuel economy. Shoebox isn’t a huge fan of earthquakes simply because there’s nothing you can look at and turn the other way and run from. Tully suggested a new SyFy original movie: MonkeyQuake, where an earthquake opens a fissure in the ground and pissed off monkeys start flooding out of it from the center of the earth. Next question, what would you tell your 12 year old self right now? And I think that if my 12 year old self was partying with me today, I’d tell him “as soon as you turn eighteen, RUN MUTHA FUCKA!!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF OAKLAND AND NEVER COME BACK!!!” or something to that effect. Jason would tell his younger self not to stress too much, cause shit’s gonna be okay. Tully would tell his juvenile doppleganger to go on a sex rampage and that’s actually a pretty sweet idea, and Shoebox would say the same thing as Jason and also tell his twelve year old avatar that when he meets a certain young lady he shouldn’t date her, but instead just plant a boot in her snatch and walk away. Next question, if you saw someone shoplifting what would you do? The simple answer is, rich kid from the burbs stealing something he could pay for just cause he wants attention, give him that attention by pounding his kidneys into a fine slurry, but a poor person stealing from a rich company so they can stay alive for the night, just make sure they’re not going too overboard with it. Next question, if you could bring one historical figure back to life, who would it be? Obviously, there’s Zombie Jesus, Genghis Khan, or the real regular Jesus so we can clear up a few things about this book everyone’s been trying to say they know the meaning of even though they weren’t there when it was written and it’s been translated too many times to be anywhere close to an exact copy of the original. NEXT QUESTION What’s the most extreme example of a good lace to travel but you wouldn’t want to live there? The obvious answer is a brothel, unless it’s on the water front and has a Starbucks nearby. Also, Vietnam, Iceland, Egypt, the oil fields of Alberta, and everywhere Jason wants to go on vacation, cause it’s great while he’s there but gets boring quick. Las Vegas cause seriously, if you’ve never been outside the casino area, it’s hard to imagine anything else. Africa, cause shit is kinda fucked up there. Next question, would a sex tape help or hurt Jason Ellis’ career? And the obvious answer is, it would help but only if it was with somebody famous. And finally, what does a blind person see? And the answer is obviously HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY SEEING THINGS IF THEY’RE BLIND?!?!?! THEY MUST ALL BE SUPERHEROES LIKE BEN AFFLECK IN DAREDEVIL!!!! Or, depending on their medical condition they could see lights or blinks of thinks, not just complete empty blackness. So that’s pretty much it for the day, there were one or two final calls and Shoebox wants 1000 followers on Instagram so go make it happen people, or Zombie Jesus is gonna sic the Amish on you during the coming dead uprising.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

I just cut my wrist… in the process of fixing one of the light fixtures at work. Cause hey, what goes better with but fucking than a little blood? I’ll tell you what, nerve agents and carbon monoxide, that shit makes it an experience! Speaking of which, it’s time for the Jason Ellis show! The show started off today with some fucking Ozzy, then some fucking Pantera, then some fucking D!D!D! singing about how Rob Dyrdek is the perfect combination of pro skater and Hollywood schill. Then Jason started talking about how sometimes, you’ve gotta blow up somebody’s mind, and you can do so without laying a single finger on them, or using the F-word, or some such shit. There was also some talk about how TV sucks and isn’t funny nowadays, but Jack Black could fix it. Tully is of the opinion that there are too many people coming to LA to be the next big reality star and that’s why the talent pool has so many turds floating in it. Long story short, if you’re trying to become a successful standup comic, you’re probably never gonna have money for a hotel and a hooker, but you might be able to afford one or the other. But if you’ve got some natural talent, and don’t play the victim card when you’re off the clock, you should be OK. The guys talked about comedy for a while and how just about anyone could go out and do t least a couple good shows if they kept at it long enough. Sure, some people are good at it naturally, but if you hang around long enough you’ll pick up a few things and learn how to coax a chuckle out of a few drunk yokels. Ellis is very confident in Tully’s abilities as a comic, even though Tully doesn’t think he could remember a ten minute routine but could pull off a good one with the assistance of a teleprompter. Tully is starting to grow a mustache and it’s starting to look a little intimidating, which is a good look on him, cause people need to start fearing smart people again instead of cosigning the massive percentage of idiots that make up the population today. Mike is confident in his looks, although you catty bitches on twitter and instagram never tell him how much you want his unborn children all over your face and tits. This led Tully to put out the call for any female fans who are in the mood to do so to send in naked photos, and just from the people I follow on twitter, I can confirm that at least a few popped up in tully@siriusxm.com’s inbox. Jason wagered that if he got ten pictures in his email, Tully would spin the wheel of doom, and vice versa if the quota wasn’t met. The guys took a second look at the wheel of doom and the many consequences on it and Wilson has quite a few places on the wheel that would be absolutely terrifying for anyone who would have to endure them. Some guy named Steve sent in a picture of his shit, and he can go fuck himself. Ellis is going to be doing a live broadcast from the Agenda trade show in Long Beach. Agenda is a get together for all the action sports brands and since Ellis is a pretty high ranking official in the action sports world, there’s absolutely no reason for him not to attend. Tully has decided that if he ever catches Linsanity doing drugs, he’s gonna give him and his friends a freebie the first time, and even be a cool enough dad to provide tacos, but the second time it’s gonna be the holocaust part 2 and they’re all gonna pray for the gas chamber. The guys were watching some TV show about people buying haunted houses and gay guys redecorating or some such shit, and it sounds hilarious as all fuck if it weren’t for the reality TV factor. And these aren’t cool hauntings like Casper taking people on adventures and shit, they’re all fucked up and driving people insane and fucking up the haunted restaurant’s bottom line like a pack of feral bitches. The guys talked for a bit about all the minutiae of life and holding grudges and patting yourself on the back no matter how trivial the accomplishment. There was some talk about how they’re both starting to show their age and it’s not as fun as it sounds most of the time but they wouldn’t have battle scars without some awesome fucking stories. The golden years would be the perfect time to take up video games though, not when you’re young and actually give a shit and have unlimited potential to waste, but when you’re past you’re prime and nobody would look twice for you if you hadn’t just shoved a grenade up their ass in Call Of Duty 28: Out of Retirement. Jason noticed that the Sirius/XM twitter never hypes his show and after this long it’s probably a shitty move on their part not to, besides there’s some interesting stuff that happens on the show, like Bone Thugs and Cumtard sniffing people’s balls. They rectified this swiftly by announcing that Greg Fitzsimmons will be on Thursday afternoon!!!!!!!!!!!!! But not with that much bravado, basically drop all the exclamation points and it’s a direct quote. The guys suggested that the way we start ringing in the new year is to take the one celebrity that everyone’s the sickest of, and rocket them into outer space similar to a public spanking, but more like when the Amish excommunicate somebody. I for one would actually start celebrating holidays again knowing that I could get all my least favorite examples of humanity fired out of an oversized t-shirt cannon into the upper atmosphere. The logistics of the greatest game show ever created by man were discussed for a while, like holding the victim in a panda cage so they can’t try and get out of it or fuck with the guards, plus everybody loves pandas, and letting the next spaceman do all the drugs they want, no questions asked. It all sounds like something that should be coming next fall on NBC and god dammit I would buy that shit on Blu-ray season after season after season.

Somebody told Ellis that the Esquire network exists and that he should be a part of it, even though they took over G4 which used to be fucking awesome and now it’s a steaming pyle and yes, I did spell that correctly, because a pyle is an especially painful and engorged hemorrhoid. Ellis shouldn’t go on there cause he’s not trying to be Robin Thicke and that’s just fine. They have a show called knife fight, but it’s just some cooking bullshit. Bob Levy seems to think that somebody’s trying to start some beef with him and Jason, but it’s all a load of shit. Once again, the internet is the most amazing thing in the world, just ask all those Ukrainian girls who want my 32″ dick and all the money I made working from home! Somebody seems to think that Opie is gonna give Ellis a show on his channel, but that’s also a load of shit, cause the internet is the greatest invention of all time, just ask the throngs of lonely housewives who always get a long lasting powerful erection served up from my loins! The guys talked a while about Ron and Fez and how Fez may be on his way out of radio and he’s also having some rough shit going in normal life, and since I could bash a radio show I’ve never listened to but I’m not a complete prick, I’ll just reserve any judgement and hope that guy has a better go at everything tomorrow. The guys debuted anew segment today called “How bad does she want it?” cause sometimes, you need to be told really clearly so nobody ends up getting the cops called on them and also so you can get your dick wet and not feel like a runner up the next morning. Will came in to record a fresh intro for the Jingleberries to turn into the next great “Pendarvis is weird and probably has unauthorized porn on his phone and a monthly membership at the spank booth downtown” sound byte. Just this much of the segment was fucking classic, but the bit itself was pretty good too. Tully read news stories about famous women and how badly they probably needed some dick at one time or another. Powerful women, like Jackie Onasses, who probably didn’t want it in the later years simply because the Kennedys probably sold her to that Greek guy, or Meryl Streep who honestly terrifies me to think of getting banged and now I’m going to go hang myself so that I can sleep tonight, or Princess Diana who probably had lots of European adventures where the sex was romantic and involved as many people as there are countries on the continent, or Yoko Ono who needs to get strangled with some dick so there’s never another album and she can’t break up any more classic bands, or Martina Navartelova who can get a spellcheck off these nuts and probably would toss salad harder than Yoko in the heyday but also turned out a whole gang of female tennis players, or Prime Minister Huge Tits (whose real name s completely inconsequential cause it’s Julia Guillard) who definitely needs the most obscene pounding available to the developed world, or Hillary Clinton who is probably dying of thirst for dick cause Bill ain’t fitting the bill and she isn’t dead yet so she’ll never stop working for it, and finally Shakira, who might be a sex object on the pop charts but is probably not more unusually horny than any other lady out there but will be when she’s Meryl Streep’s age.

Jason’s cat Prince, the evil bald pussy, stopped by the studio to hang out and express his hatred of the entire world, as most cats and freshly shaven vaginas do. Prince seems to be having a pretty good day, imagining pissing all over Tully’s unborn child, abandoning children, cumming on someone’s decaying body, hanging out in the dark, tongue-punching his fart-box, and other things that can be genuinely fulfilling to members of the feline species. Tully found a story of a guy who dresses up as a dog and is also fuck ugly like puke on my dick, and Prince nominated him to be shot into space on new years eve. There was also a story about that crazy Russian bathtub heroin called Krokodil, specifically a girl in Mexico who injected it into her genitals and is now decaying from the vagina on outward, which is pleasing to Prince because nobody gets to upstage the evil bald pussy. People across the globe are naming their babies “Cheese” which makes me want to vote this hairless cat for president so we can start getting a handle on this kind of bullshit. And just for the sake of doing it, go Google cat semen and look at a picture of a churro. And in the last bit of news that Prince sat in for, Macauley Culkin has started a pizza/Velvet Underground tribute band and from the sound of it, it’s not the slightest bit obvious that he may have been a regular heroin user for a little bit. Quick segue, EllisManiaCross is in the planning stages and the guys talked about it for a while. Jason is really pumped on the idea and it’s sounding more and more like something I’d like to see. The guys kicked around ideas for some of the obstacles that might be included, such as MMA fighters and hockey players and footballers knocking people over in the turns, and Tony Hawk throwing water and flour at you, and teamwork, and jumps and pools and all kinds of other shit too. The callers got their turn to pitch ideas, along with suggestions from twitter. Some of the more noteworthy suggestions were for things like shitloads of bubbles, Will Pendarvis throwing beans at people, rodeo performers getting involved, firing tennis balls with a hockey stick, circuit training with hot ladies, a railroad crossing gate, t-shirt cannons, throwing fish at people, punching bags with go-pro’s on them, paintball, tar-and-feathering, Wayne Gretzky kicking people in the dick, remote control helicopters, Tully’s mom, bowling pins, and at least 45 other ideas that were fucking terrible. Tully found some piece of information that says that the weather in Alberta, Canada is just as bad as it is on Mars, which is proof that humans could live on Mars, provided they had a 24 hour hockey network and lots of beer. Some Canadians called in to reinforce that it is fucking cold in Alberta, but they have male syrup and Tim Horton’s, so they’ll be OK. The guys took phone calls on cold weather for a bit, no matter how much it seems they didn’t want to cause really who gives a fuck how cold it is? Tully looked through his email to see if any ladies had sent him naked photos, and it seems that there were a few submissions, but from first appearances it looks like a lot of guys sent stuff in. there were a couple more suggestions for EllisManiaCross that were alright. Also, people are so cold that men are growing tits, which is proof that you should all stop using aerosol products and destroying our ozone layer. There was a litle bit of talk about the UFC cause Jonny “Bones” Jones had to postpone a fight. Also, Shane Del Rosario passed away at 30 of a heart attack. Some dude called to say that texting is actually safer than using hands free when driving, and my answer to this problem would be to stop putting shitty convenience features in every car and bring it back to the days when cars actually needed to be driven. In Japan, the sales of adult diapers are surpassing baby diapers, and not all of them are used for some weird fetish, it’s to the point now where Japanese people just aren’t reproducing like they used to, so if you’re planning on buying a new Corolla or Civic, you better get on that shit while there’s still a country to make them. Tully confirmed that there’s a shitload of naked men photos in his email and it’s probably Jason’s fault. A guy called in from prison and of course the conversation went to butt town pretty quickly. The final calls rolled in like a turd across the living room floor from a naked toddler, as is known to happen sometimes. Tully shared some more of the pics he got in his email and it sounds like there’s some terrifying shit that he’s gonna have to explain to somebody eventually. That one recap guy who needs to know his recap role called in to give a quick rundown of the show and CUE BRUCE LEE MUSIC!!! On a plus note though, shout out to recap dude for 90 days off all the shit, glad to hear you’re doing better.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

In honor of Big Fucking Mega boat showing up in the mail on Friday, I went out and bought an actual Big Fucking Mega Boat. More specifically, a 1989 Dodge Ram, but when you live where I do, it might as well be a 300 ft. yacht with wheels. Unfortunately, it’s got no stereo, so I haven’t been able to blast “Big Fucking Mega Boat” while driving just yet, but that’s coming soon. Truck yeah! It’s half time America, go buy a Dodge!!! But enough about me, we’re here to stare intently at the radio and giggle at the noises coming out of it. The show started with Ellis telling us all about how sometimes stuff makes your rectum hurt, and sometimes you might think you have cancer, and sometimes shit is just great. Ellis had tacos at some place where a lot of gay dudes hang out, and Shoebox told him that the champagne brunch there is incredible. Katie went to therapy with Katie last night cause her memory hasn’t been sullied by several concussions and years of drug use, and it’s helpful to have someone around who can remember stuff so you can work it out. Shoebox found a picture of Ellis and Devin walking around and apparently Devin is a punk rock fashionista, wit the assistance of Katie’s seemingly endless collection of studs and black. Rude Jude came by to let us visit his drug withdrawals. He sounded kind of beat up, but in one of those really good ways. Tully gave him the idea to interview himself high and answer his questions sober, cause that actually would be some pretty entertaining shit. Jude was trying to do Ketamine last night, but shit just wasn’t gonna fly, so he decided to take a day off. Jason set up a new gym at his house courtesy of the guys at Onnit and was going hard in the mother fucking paint the last couple days. Apparently kettle bells are some hard core shit if you do them right, and there’s a guy on some video who can vouch for it by being the sickest kettle cunt ever. Katie is quickly growing an ass that can only be described as unstoppable, and I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would say the same thing after seeing her at EM9. Katie also is way into black metal and Satanic shit, and that’s probably why she’s so likeable to so many of us. Death!Death!Die! Topped Pearl Jam and Lady GaGa in Canada, and god damn if that doesn’t make me happy as all fuck because Pearl Jam was good, but GaGa makes me want to strangle toddlers. Jude told a story about how he was home one night playing cards and his friend got all uppity cause he kept losing, and Jude was drinking opium tea cause white people aren’t all bad, but anyways when he went to bed he was tossing and turning and listening to a podcast about world war 1. His sister came over a little later and Jude heard someone come into his room which surprised him cause he and his sister have met and she should know all the horrors that might await if she was to barge into his shit like that, BUT NO IT WAS SOME DUDE GOING THROUGH HIS DRESSER!!! Jude went caveman on his ass and charged on him to try and get him out of the house, he smashed dude’s head on the wall a bunch of times on the way to the door and chunked him up a few times and dude started apologizing like a gay Mexican tweaker. Jude got him out the door and tried to throw him over the fence but ended up stopping himself halfway and getting dude stuck on top of the wall so he slithered out of his sweatshirt and ran off down the street. Of course, the cops had to believe that Jude was on drugs and thought he might have been the antagonist in this particular case, but all in all it worked out cause Jude’s not in prison and random gay Mexican tweaker didn’t get any of his stuff. Moral of the story is, if someone breaks into your house, make sure you beat them so badly they don’t remember what happened and can’t sue you for assault. Ellis went to see Bone Thugs last week and upstairs was shit, but down in the pit was a fucking festival. Except when Warren G showed up late and told everyone it’s cause of traffic. REGULATORS!!! Tully had to look up Bone Thugs on Wikipedia before they came in but couldn’t keep track of all the ins and outs and jail time and ass whoopings that have taken place over the years. Phil Collins gets the hook pass for all the times that rappers sample his hits to make their own. Some guy called to ask the guys how they think they would react to a home invader if they had a gun and they kicked around the different ideas for a while on what weapons they would have had and how they would use them and what is or isn’t the right way to react when a cracked out central American power-bottom takes a tour of your wardrobe without asking. Basically, as much as killing them might alleviate the symptom, it sucks if you’d like to have a personal life or a day job, cause you’ll be in court for months, not to mention that you’re gonna have to come to terms with killing a guy. Jude has no problem with how his situation went and there’s probably lots of people who would feel the same way if it went the exact same for them. Will came in to give his two cents on how the aftermath should have been handled, like maybe not calling the cops, but chasing dude back to his house to fuck up all his friends, cause the kind of person who checks door knobs and then comes back to get his sweatshirt after getting his ass kicked by the guy he was about to rob probably has a whole crew. The guys watched the Bone Thugs video with Phil Collins and yes, it did look like they were gonna shank him and take his car keys, not cause any of them are black, but because Phil Collins looks like a victim. Except for that one time when he divorced his wife by fax, cause that is FUCKING GANGSTA MOTHA FUCKAAAA!!! Ellis has made it official that if he and Fifty both die relatively close to each other time wise, he wants a viking cremation at sea with papa Fifty riding shotgun. And what better vessel than a stand up paddle board? And why not do it naked? I mean come on, that’s the fucking way to send off your corpse. Jason took a test run of this earlier (minus being set on fire) and everyone at the beach got a free show of his exercise-receded penis and slightly misshapen action sports buttocks and it was enough to fuck up his ex-wife’s day and even when you’re friends with the person you divorce it’s still nice to twist the knife a little from time to time. Tully had a similar cock receding story from one time when he did some coke and was taking a piss and some tranny saw his acorn stump and more importantly his wife was in the room helping the tranny with her wardrobe or some such shit when she called him out on it. There was some more talk about surfing and stuff, and things, and making shit awkward for your exes which I can say from first hand experience is all kinds of fun but if you were the one at fault you are a complete prick, and stuff. All of this was setup for a couple things happening later, like shark news and some author guy who might be coming in to chat. But in the meantime, you should listen to Ozzy and sacrifice a pigeon.

I TOLD YOU THERE WAS GONNA BE SHARK NEWS BITCHES! Some dude in Maui died while fishing from his kayak after being eaten by a shark. Which is why you should be smart enough not to go fishing in shark infested waters without a proper vessel. So fuck you for getting yourself killed, dude, this shit is Darwinism at work. Ever wonder why the Dodo is extinct? Cause it probably had a habit of walking into volcanoes cause they were warm. Fuckin’ tard bird had it coming. And if Shoebox would have had his way, he would have been able to grow gills in the swimming pool after popping a few E-bombs. The guys had a guest this afternoon, a guy who wrote a book about the seedy underworld of professional surfing. He’s had his nose broken a few times and apparently is the exact person to ask what goes on out in the reef. Before being a surf reporter, this guy Chas was a war reporter in Yemen and Afghanistan and it probably wouldn’t have all worked out the way it did if Osama would have learned to surf. He got captured while he was covering Israel invading Lebanon and shit got hectic but somebody gave them a mitzvah and let them go after they found out that him and his buddy were just two shithead journalists who didn’t have the good sense to walk the opposite direction of a gun barrel. Apparently the surf community is just as harsh, almost on the level of cock fighting or gay porn. Surfers are known to brawl over shit, mostly corporate, and have been known to prevent people’s deaths by stomping their kidneys out before they have a chance to get killed on a 30 foot wave. The guys talked for a while about all the crazy surf missions they’ve gone on and waves and not giving a fuck and parking lot brawls and such and such. It’s pretty big in Hawaii too, the whole underworld surf mafia shit I mean. The guys talked about Chas’ book and that made almost no difference cause Shoebox probably never heard of the guy and Ellis doesn’t read and Tully has a baby so he doesn’t have the free time to fill the emptiness of his life with anything other than cartoons and diaper changing. All in all, the book is about the two great polar opposites that make up the population of Hawaii, from the meth smoking surf gang bangers, to the peaceful beaches filled with serene locals living out their days in Nirvana. And if you wanted a reason to hate Quicksilver, just know that they started their company on cocaine dollars earned from Australians. But you’re not likely to get many more details than that unless you ask Quicksilver yourself. Meth is huge in Santa Cruz, also, much like surfing. Laird Hamilton isn’t smoking crystal though, so he’s safe to have as a role model. There was some talk about skateboarding too, since the two are pretty closely related, at least in modern times, and Chas probably doesn’t have quite the inside info that Jason does, but all the same we can be one big happy action sports family and be sick cunts, minus meth, and do other things as well, like radio or rally cross or becoming DJ Blackout. The guys shared some more surfing stories and a good time was had by all. Once again, perfect segue for everything is Ozzy cause god dammit, Satan is real and he has riffs for days.

So, elephant in the room time. As pretty much everyone should know by now, Rawdog has officially quit the show. Ellis said his piece, Rawdog said his piece on a blog earlier today, and hopefully there’s no permanently bad blood between everyone and things are going to work themselves out in the long run. Ellis and Rawdog have been fighting a lot, neither of them wants to do it, they don’t think it’s good for the show, everyone agrees on that much and they want it done with. If you take all the opinion out of it, those are the facts. If you feel like complaining and being an asshole on Twitter and Instagram, go right ahead, but it’s probably not going to change a whole fuck of a lot. I get it when people say how they feel fucked up like it’s losing a family member or something, as a child of divorce myself it’s kind of similar, except that I’m not related to anybody at the show and not much that they do is going to be a defining factor in the rest of my life. It’s some guys I like to listen to on the radio and I’m not so deeply involved that I can’t detach myself from that. Personally, he had some great moments that I can still laugh at anytime, but the drama was pretty draining and that’s on more than one person’s part. I don’t wish any ill will on any of them. People aren’t the same for their entire lives, so when they grow and change and want different things as they get older it’s fucking normal. Sometimes that means changing who you keep around you. Enough with the bitch and moan fest on the internet while I’m trying to get a laugh off everybody’s obscene jokes and shithead kid pictures. So that’s enough street therapy out of me. If you want more, my time has a fucking steep markup, so get to writin’ them checks, mother fuckers. Anyways, Shoebox found some really great clips on the internet of isolated vocal tracks from popular songs, and it was a great expose of how musicians used to be musicians until autotune came around and turned everybody into dancing 1850’s black stereotypes. First one we heard was Marvin Gaye singing Heard it Through the Grapevine with backup vocals and all. Now, Marvin Gaye was a fucking champion and we all know that. But isolated, it’s a totally different level of musical talent than it is with the band. I mean, I’ve been told I’m a decent singer, but I could never match talent with something like that. I can’t jump octaves or improvise by ear like he could. Seriously, it was insane. And even the backing vocals had more talent than 85% of the shit that makes it on the radio these days. Next we heard Christian chewing his sandwich while announcing the next vocal track, which was Paul McCartney’s lines from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely hearts Club Band, with John Lennon singing an intentionally fucked up harmony so that it could be differentiated when listening at home. If that song had just been a barber shop quartet jingle, it would have worked. Fuck the instruments, it would have been the one time Ringo didn’t completely fail them as a drummer. And as an interesting side note, the Sgt. Pepper’s album came out on a Friday and Jimi Hendrix taught his band the entire album in two days and performed it live at a show that the Beatles just happened to attend, cause Jimi was one of the original sick cunts like that. After that we heard the raw audio of Freddie Mercury singing Killer Queen and if you didn’t like Queen before, YOU BETTER LIKE THEM NOW OR I WILL DIG UP FREDDIE MERCURY AND GIVE YOU HIS AIDS SO YOU CAN SUFFER AND BURN IN HELL FOR BEING A FUCKING MORON!!! Seriously, he sang on a level above most opera singers, he even did the backup vocals on almost everything. If you’re mind wasn’t sufficiently blown after that, even Bob Marley laid some pretty incredible singing down on Is This Love. I unfortunately lived with a couple hippies for a few years, so I generally avoid all things Bob Marley just for the tired-of-it factor, but I had no interest in changing the station for this. The combination of accent, improvisation and raw lyrical talent is pretty impressive to hear without the instruments in the background. Jah and the herb might have had something to do with it, but that’s beside the point. Last but not least, we got a taste of Def Leppard and that shit was almost intolerable, hence the joke “What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard.” Granted, I can’t scream for that long in key, but Def Leppard doesn’t do it for me. And what better way to stop listening to music than to take a song break?

The guys came back with a news story about some dudes who tried to rob a store in Canadianadanadadiadiadiada. News was quickly derailed so the guys could make the distinction over what color people are the best at cricket, and flesh tones aside, Australians are the best. But fuck New Zealand. Back to the news, the guys who tried to rob this store got pepper sprayed by the old man at the counter and then he spanked the shit out of them like they were a couple kindergarteners, AND THEN THE WIFE JOINED IN!!! Adding insult to injury never makes for a good experience, no matter what you’re doing, and getting spanked out of a liquor store during an attempted robbery sounds like the kind of shit that would make me reconsider a few life choices. The guys talked for a few minutes about the unfortunate death of Paul Walker and I’m not gonna make any Fast And Furious jokes because they already did that by having a third sequel. Some phone calls came in and it was a fair amount of the same shit we’re used to, but not as bad as it normally is. There was some car talk, cause it’s not like I ever get enough of that with my day job at an auto repair shop or anything, and Pendarvis and Shoebox seem to be pretty knowledgeable about all of it. Shoebox also drove a souped up Volvo 125 MPH while he was on prozac and it didn’t phase him for a second, so from a Volvo lover to Christian James Hand, fist bump, my N-bomb. And Justin Beiber has one guy who does nothing but autotune his vocals, so fuck that little bastard right in his triple platinum coated existence. That was about all there was today, and if you’re not satisfied I DON’T GIVE A FUCK I HAVE A BIG FUCKING MEGA BOAT AND WILL SHOOT RABBITS AND TITTIES AT YOU!!!

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GO KARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NEW DEATH!DEATH!DIE! ALBUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YER MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUTTERBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FULL CONTACT MOTORSPORTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND PLENTY FUCKING MORE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO LET’S FUCKING GET INTO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The crew is down at Racers Edge Kart track today in celebration of the release of Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundrack. They were generous enough to invite down a bunch of EllisFam too so that it’s nice and competitive. Just before the show started, some guy in a helmet and gloves whooped Ellis on the track and he was not too happy about it. But at least he did better than the Asian kid he saw over the weekend who stacked into a wall because turning is apparently a very difficult art. The guys had to tone it down a bit because there were some regular folks and kids around, but I think as soon as Cunt Kicker starts blasting over the PA system, that should thin the herd. Everybody took turns getting in the seat and racing each other. Dingo, Shoebox, Katie, Pendarvis, and a whole bunch of others came through. Tully got his first ever speeding ticket on his way to the track, which should be a great indicator of how well shit is gonna go for him today. Tully hashed out the story of when he totaled a rental car by getting rear ended in a left turn lane and he got champion treatment at the rental agency and upgraded him for free. He also took out some dude on a motorcycle in San Francisco when the dude tried to pass on the inside on a left turn. Mike Jasper came by to test whether or not his recent knockout at EllisMania has affected his driving skills. Considering that the first thing he did after the fight was grab a beer and continue announcing the rest of the fights, I’m sure he’s back at 110%. iTunes is a lying cunt of an organization and hasn’t put the BFMB album up for sale yet, so fuck Steve Jobs in his cold dead rotting asshole, go get it on the Google Play store or Amazon. Jason was on the Heidi and Frank show this morning and if it weren’t for the fact that they took a break every 5-7 minutes, it was probably not more than a half hour of real work. But as fun as it might have been it isn’t nearly as fun as treating all your friends to a day racing go karts. The guys took a break from the usual jaw-jacking to report live about the folks on the track for the first race of the afternoon. The first lap was a bit of a warm up and as soon as the pace car left the track Tully started taking the lead but then spun it into a wall when one of those damn complicated things they call “turns” showed up. Jetta started getting aggressive on Katie’s tail, but Ellis yelled at him from the radio booth and he backed off. Then Jetta spun out another couple times. Then he passed Tully. Then Butterballs got passed by Shoebox. Dingo and Mike Jasper pretty much held the lead back and forth for most of the race. Jasper put the Balls to the wall. Jetta got lost somewhere in the middle of the pack and Shoebox Spanked Tully with his chrome horn. Dingo rammed Katie and Ellis declared a Fatwah. Mike Jasper finished first, followed by Dingo and Jetta. And the townspeople rejoiced. By rejoiced, I mean they played AC/DC.

The guys came back from break to talk with the drivers from the first race and toot their own horns about how awesome the Big Fucking Mega Boat soundtrack is. Dingo gave us his synopsis of the track, apparently it’s pretty complicated for such a slow set of cars and that makes for some really interesting racing. Shoebox couldn’t pull off a good lap time to save his ass though, but it was probably the equipment. Tully was just happy about all the people smashing his ass, he’s really into it. Ellis took his leave from the show to get out to the starting grid for the second race of the afternoon. The remaining folks hanging around chatted with each other about things and stuff and took some phone calls before the racers got off the line. Dingo learned his lesson about texting and driving when he was checking his Instagram and saw the light turn green in the corner of his eye and floored it right into the back end of a classic car. Ellis fell asleep in traffic one time and dinged up some guy’s rental car, but it was OK cause everyone was in the same miserable slow boat to hell known as southern California traffic. But more importantly, the second race, starring Jason, Will, and some fans including Fonzo (the cow from previous installments of the musical chair fight at EllisMania). Pendarvis was fighting with some dud named Jacob for first place but got the caution flag after slamming into somebody. Ellis pulled ahead at this point. Fonzo got his ass handed to him by a kid. Jason pulled far ahead of the pack leaving Pendarvis in second. The rest of the race was pretty inconsequential, but Jason kept up with good lap times and Pendarvis slipped further and further back. The rest of the folks were just kind of a shit show in the background but still probably had fun on their own. Will got back on the air to try and defend his driving after the track officials gave him and a few other drivers a stern talking to concerning their on track behavior. One of the guys who came down for the festivities today used to race sprint cars, so everyone accused him of being a ringer, but it’s not the same as indoor flat track electric go karting so he’s probably on the same level as everyone else. Jason noticed that the track actually has an apex line painted all the way around the track so that everyone can get through the corners faster, but fuck if the general public doesn’t have problems following directions. Kenda Perez (the ridiculously hot lady who was at EllisMania and then never seen again who is, like a UFC reporter or something) was on her way to the track to even out the balls and shaft ratio. Nipplopolis’ son Jacob got called out for sucking on the track but continued talking shit cause kids these days don’t understand what it means to be put in their place. And the townspeople rejoiced. And by rejoiced I mean that they spun a track from Appetite for destruction and one of the new tracks from BFMB:TM:TS.

The guys came back from their break and Tully and Wilson were chatting for a while while a crackhead beating was taking pace in the background. And what better time to mention that Racers Edge is having a Christmas toy drive and if you donate a toy over $10 in value, you can get a discount on some racing. Somebody brought home made bear claws for everyone to knosh on between races. While a few more folks were getting ready for their turns on the track, the guys talked technique behind the wheel for a bit. Dingo was playing around with one of those arcade claw machines at the go kart place and was really oping to get an iPad mini for a quarter and god damn if he wasn’t going fuck nuts over this thing. Jason is getting into adult education lately, cause a lady named Betsy who is a huge fan gave him some material to learn math with so that he can count it correctly and keep the Jews from sniffing it out or taking 15% off the top (just jokes, everybody). Ellis had a dream last night that he was talking to Howard Stern in the back of an SUV and no money was changing hands for a blow job. Apparently that Onnit Alpha brain stuff has some pretty benign and entertaining side effects that don’t include anal seepage. The third group of drivers set off and right off the bat Timmy was the first to pull a pass on anyone. Sam Rubin showed up and the fans all started plotting how to get him killed on the track. Sam started dropping names as he’s known to do and no more race commentary happened for a couple minutes. Mark McGrath showed up for the first time in a while to put his fabulous late nineties almost-ska licks down on the track. McGrath declared that Death!Death!Die! has officially left the realm of joke band and has entered the land of actual rock stardom. A guy called in to give the guys some pointers o getting the most out of your go kart on the track. Long story short, keep your foot floored and only use the brakes a teeny bit when you desperately need to. Also, don’t get ejected from the track for smashing up the equipment against Sam Rubin’s rectum. The guys kicked around the idea of going on tour with Sugar Ray but the logistics of destroying Mark McGrath’s career by having “Jack The cunt” open up for him may take a little more planning than they can do this afternoon. But on a side note, the triple D might  be playing at the AVN awards this year. Or next year, sometime. The offer was floated to them and they’re in talks about it. Sam and Mark took their leave to get out to the paddock and Ellis, Tully and Dingo bullshitted around with each other for a while. Some race car driver in Europe sold one of his testicles to buy a Nissan 370Z and everyone agrees that a testicle should be worth more. A guy called in to ask where Rawdog is and the guys reported back that he’s taking some time off and that’s all there is to it. Some people couldn’t be happier about that, I’m just glad I don’t have to do New Music Tuesday this time around. The fourth race got underway and Sam Rubin proved that he’s not as worthless on a race track as he is in a boxing ring, and Shoebox is kind of terrible at it. Then a bunch of people all stacked up in a corner with Sam Rubin in the middle of it (SUCCESS). Mark McGrath also started shutting the door on folks and climbing up the ranks. Nipplopolis wasn’t everything that most folks would have hoped for on the track, but fuck it, nobodies working for a real championship in all this. Some dude who brought his own gloves and helmet with a go-pro started falling further and further back. Shoebox and McGrath passed Sam and he turned in his man card. And the townspeople rejoiced. And b rejoiced I mean we heard the Ellis solo track from BFMB and god dammit it was a tasty chunk of droning pain metal. They also played butt town and the more of the lyrics I can actually understand, the more I like it.

After the break some lady that Ellis banged years ago texted him about coming on the show sometime. Katie said she’d be cool about it but it’s still kind of an awkward thing to ask somebody. Sam and Mark both qualified for the Vagisil 5000 championship, along with Tully and a few other people. Sam tried to say that the guys who have master the control over the karts probably put the governor on it so that he couldn’t unleash his full potential. Mark talked for a while about his time working on Extra and how he got paid Juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust enough to make him rethink having a neck tattoo of the virgin Mary that he got when he was drunk after a show one night back when Sugar Ray was still a band people would travel to see. Another race was underway for last chance entry into the Vagisil 5000 and the Death!Death!Die! championship. Dingo wasn’t beating his old lap times but he did spin another guy out and then got the governor put on him for giving Ellis the finger. Fonzo made his stand in the last couple laps and earned his place in the Vagisil 5000. Some guy in Georgia got arrested for trying t slip on some women’s underwear out in public, the only problem is that’s all he had on, except for high heels, a turban and COCAINE!!!! which he was carrying in a Crown Royal bag, cause that’s how you do when you a mutha fuckin G. Butterballs placed at the very bottom of the pack when the checkered flag dropped. After all that, Tully tallied up all the scores and set up the bracket for who was gonna be in each race. Kenda finally showed up and at first there were some concerns about whether her dress was go kart appropriate but then everybody remembered that as long as the officials don’t see anything, it didn’t happen. Psycho Mike showed up just in time as well. After some hellos and handshakes and Mark McGrath backing out of fighting Tully again, the guys took one final break to get all the racers prepped for the final two showdowns of the day.

IT’S TIME FOR THE FINAL FUCKING SHOWDOWN YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!! And a special shout out to all the folks who showed up to make the whole thing such an extravaganza. And an even more special thanks to whoever made that dress Kenda Perez is wearing cause apparently it’s hot shit. It turns out that Will actually stopped at the .99 cent store and got trophies for the races and they were almost as good as you might expect from two dollar trophies. Butterballs accidentally dropped an F-bomb at this fucking G-rated event and got dropped in the Vagisil 5000 challenge. Kenda Perez might have gotten a camera mounted in her go kart and if it I had free time to get on ellismania.com I could check if my monthly subscription is now twice the value that it used to be. The guys talked about who they were hedging their bets on for the first championship race and it sounds like it’s gonna be a real challenge for all those involved. Right off the line, Kenda put the kart into the wall and needed to be told to put it in reverse. Katie was quick to take the lead but got passed by McGrath soon after. Cumtard was no miracle on the track but was pulling consistently higher times than most people. Kenda started picking up her lap times but stayed low on the pole. Katie and Mark switched back and forth for first for a few laps. Kenda’s titties bounced every time she went around this one corner right near the booth, so everybody declared themselves a winner for a couple minutes. Katie overtook McGrath and Kenda in one shot. Sam sucks but Tully was pretty close in the running. When all was said and done, everybody had a great time and the winners were chosen, but no trophies given just yet until after the Death!Death!Die! showdown. A fan of the show who works at a toy warehouse sent a truckload of shit down to the track for the toy drive on behalf of EllisFam and that just goes to show you how awesome we are. Wilso might have broken a finger out on the track at some point and if there was any less metal way to break a bone, I challenge you to find it. The race started and it was a heated contest right off the bat. Except for psycho mike, he was sucking pretty terribly right from the get go. Ellis swung his dick all over the track and got way out in the lead. Mike Jasper was not far off from the lead for most of the race. There was a big stack up with Jasper and some other people and Ellis blew past the whole thing. Dingo and Jetta rounded out the middle of the pack until Jetta pulled ahead past a crash. Dingo pulled ahead a few laps later. Psycho Mike was basically more of a construction zone for the rest of the race which made competition that much stiffer for anyone needing to pass him. Dingo Jetta, Shoebox and Psycho Mike all got wrapped around each other in a corner and fucked it up for everybody for the next couple laps. And just before the race would have officially ended normally, all the aggression on the track caused the officials to pull out the exit track and forced the racers to bring it back in. The judges ran all the numbers and came to their conclusions. All of the drivers came in to share how they felt out on the track. Kenda was declared the winner of the Vagisil 5000 not only for being slowest on the track, but also for having wonderfully bouncy titties, despite being docked points for letting one of the track staff members put something over her lap to prevent wardrobe malfunctions. In the Death!Death!Die! championship, the winner was Jason Ellis with the second fastest time of the week for the entire go kart track. However, Jason relinquished his trophy to Dingo because right at the end of the race, he tried to put Jason into a wall at two miles an hour and then drove in reverse through that one gouged up turn that made Kenda’s titties shake like we all always pray for. And that was it, a great day was had by all and it was all PG-13, except for the reason they were celebrating, which is a CD called Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundtrack, featring such amazing tracks as “Jack The Cunt” “Cunt Kicker” and “Big Fucking Mega Boat”, all of which are completely NSFW, unless maybe you work at a porn shop. Or a recycling plant. Or you make money by killing crack addicts who are late paying up what they owe their dealers. And since today was so toned down, lemme just state that it wasn’t till I started listening to some Australian dude on the radio that I got a true appreciation for the word cunt.

cunt.

Cunt

CUNT.

Seriously.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

So, if you follow me on twitter you certainly would know by now how much I despise telemarketers and hope that every single one of them commits suicide in the most gruesome, family destroying, religion defying, blood shit and semen covered way possible, but lately my shop has been kind of slow and to counter that, I have become the one thing I despise most and was cold calling customers for a good part of the day. To reclaim my self worth, I’m gonna need something really good out of the Ellis show this afternoon. Let’s see what he’s got in store, yes?

Today’s show kicked off with talk of how the internet is a lying, cheating, fucking cunt, unless it’s saying something nice about you or doing something that goes to a good cause. Ellis is a little tired of all the folks who say he never responds on twitter so he’s trying to show a little more appreciation for the fans and DM people back as long as they’re not being shit heads. Tiger is making excellent progress towards being a child motocross prodigy. At just four years old with no modifications, he can reach all the working parts on a full size dirt bike, and he’s borne of a long line of sick cunts, so chances are when he’s old enough to say cunt without getting sent to bed with no dinner, he’ll probably be a sick cunt too. Provided he doesn’t injure himself too badly before he has a chance to shine. Jason is thinking of stepping the game up from tattoos to scarification, and of course, what better place to get your first one than right on your face? This whole thing started because Ellis still has that weird lump on the side of his face and is thinking about getting it cut off, but want’s something badass to scorch the earth from which it is expunged. Jason deposited a paycheck that mystically appeared this morning and is thinking of buying a washer and dryer and a new bike to replace the ones that are sitting in his garage costing money to do nothing. Oh, and maybe Christmas presents for the kids too, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Jude stopped by to chat with the guys a bit about all the shit he missed at EllisMania and how Popeye’s chicken needs to fuck off with the turkeys they’re gonna be selling for thanksgiving. Jude Stopped by a Popeye’s under the freeway over in the ghetto to help his friends pick up their holiday birds. Tully doesn’t get why everybody thinks that turkeys only come out of hibernation two months out of the year to be slaughtered en masse for human enjoyment. He’ll roast that shit any time of year and make a sandwich so good you’ll feel like it just gave you a blow job. Rawdog had to chime in because this year, Hanukkah starts the day before thanksgiving, so it’s gonna be feasting and mitzvahs and wine that tastes like it’s 40% high fructose corn syrup, but in Josh’s world it’s more like speech impediments for eight solid days and Snaggle tooth tries to burn the house down when she sees a mouse and then everyone goes out for nuggets. Some guy called in to see if he could give Ellis a free dirt bike and the guys ended up talking about honey bees for a few minutes. Someone else floated the idea of Ellis doing a motocross movie, something much like the Woodsman or Big Fucking Mega Boat. But with moto. Rawdog is already plotting how to direct this movie into the ground like “Psycho” but without a major studio shitting all over it. The guys started kicking around ideas on what the plot would be and how much they can make it suck into awesomeness and which celebrity cameos they could beg for from all Ellis’ moto friends. Basically, it would be an 18 year old Jason Ellis who came from nowhere to be a dirtbike champion, and at some point in the movie, Jason would shave off his gorgeous youthful locks and already have a full head tattoo underneath. Some folks called in to give the guys ideas about how to go about making this movie, and who should star in it, like maybe Rawdog as the young Ellis, so no real acting would be required to look like crap on a motorcycle. Pendarvis came in to see if the guys would be willing to donate the budget from the movie to the SiriusXM faction bank account, because apparently the subscription fees aren’t covering NOT having working internet and handymen who fuck shit up in the studio at night. Jude volunteered to be the obnoxious British guy on a Vespa in the moto movie and gave us a great taste of his Detroit Queen’s English accent. More movie ideas started flowing, like having Katie show her tits (cause that just wouldn’t be family friendly and because the fans are fucking assholes), and making it safe for TV edited without actually having to make it edited and overdubbed, or having Rob Zombie make a cameo to complain about the noise! There was a whole bunch more of this and it all sounds like it’s gonna culminate in yet another directors cut with a four minute loop of a vagina fart (but a family friendly one, it’s not a vagina fart kind of movie). Jude’s car broke down and he had to ride the bus to the studio today and that shit took TWO HOURS CAUSE THE BUS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! And the entire public transit system stinks like bologna and urine, especially the one in L.A. (I’m looking accusingly at you, AC Transit and BART, clean the fucking equipment for fuck’s sake). But on the plus side, he’s got a podcast called foreally show and you can download that shit for hella free. Some more calls about the movie came in and there were some half decent ones like how motocross goes on strike and they have to call in scabs to revive the sport, and making Tiger into the steroid-induced Benjamin Button of freestyle moto, and making sure novice rider Josh Richmond gets a DNF at every event, but keeps coming back for the thrill time and time again. The guys decided to crank a few minutes of Akka Dakka to let all these plans stew into a wonderful chili of moto movie awesomeness.

Tully has noticed that Linsanity has been crying more than normal lately, so he decided to Google it and god damn if the internet isn’t the most horrible thing ever because when you Google 2 year old tantrums, you might get directed to a site devoted to infant masturbation. NOT LIKE PEDO SHIT BUT AN ACTUAL MEDICAL WEBSITE DEVOTED TO WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR KIDS START BUFFING THE PIG. And sure enough, the Christians are all over this site trying to figure out how to make sure their kids are ashamed of enjoying anything about their bodies unless they’re married to a person who knows just as little about how fun it is to blast a load off or pound out a drunk chick’s vag in the back of a minivan that she stole from her dad. This all brought on a conversation about how Christianity isn’t inherently bad, but you can fuck up your kids with it pretty easily. The guys from RCH called during the break and let Ellis know that his new bike is on the way, but in the meantime they’ve got a loaner for him to thrash so he doesn’t need to spend any money on anything to blow the tires off of. If you get a chance, you should check out Ellis’ twitter, cause there’s a link there to go vote on the Reverse Awards, and there’s not anything officially stopping you from voting over and over again, so if you’ve got the time to try and guarantee a win for a category you really want, then grab yourself a case of Mountain Dew and get clicking! The guys took some phone calls about Christians and masturbation and long story short, it’s one of those rules that’s more superstition and not actually a hard fast law anywhere in the bible, but good luck getting people to stop saying so. Tully seems convinced that in olden times, there just couldn’t have been a more well practiced hobby than slapping your junk around in the days before TV and indoor lighting. Hell, it’s a pretty big enterprise even nowadays. Rawdog watched some movie about a fucked up Christian camp and it seems like I might have seen it too but neither of us can remember enough specifics to make a concrete statement about it. Rihanna called in (but probably not the one we thought by the name) and she was always taught that it is better to spill your seed in the belly of a whore than to throw it on the ground, which makes no sense cause if you spray a gob of unborn children in the dirt it won’t turn into anything you’ve gotta feed and clean up after, and if you try to stuff a tomato plant in a prostitute she’s gonna charge extra. It all goes back to the fact that if you really study religion in history, most of these rules were from a very different time in human history when even smart people were dumb enough to set themselves on fire routinely and try to have harems of livestock, and they needed fucking guidelines to keep them from drowning in their own vomit from eating shitty meat or letting their tribe die out cause no one was fucking, or turning your relatives into hooved beasts cause a thousand people all fucked each other with no rules and made a couple generations of inbred Norwegians. Some guy called in to apologize to Rawdog for trolling him on Instagram, apparently he was up really late and was getting fed by all the other people who talk shit on everybody else on the internet. Ellis got a chance to apologize to Donald Schultz over some relatively unimportant beef, and they’re gonna be friends no matter what and there may be snakes involved in his next appearance. Pendarvis came in to declare mitzvahs all around for everyone being grown up enough to apologize. Jason had to deal with insurance adjusters and the people at Porsche today and as a member of the auto industry, I know exactly what an absolute load of wombat shite it can be to try and get an insurance company to make good on the product they sell, and how unnecessarily difficult German cars can be to fix. Pendarvis basically told him to just text everyone involved a picture of his war face to put a fire under everyone’s ass so he can just get the god damn car back and enjoy driving it again. Some dude tried to be a dick in Ellis’ driveway again and the kids almost got to see their dad beat up a pudgy little shithead taxi driver, but they were asleep after a long day riding horses. Lucky for him though, taxi drivers know when to put the hammer down and he got the broke the fuck out before trying to challenge an overly emotional Australian who’s also a trained fighter. Jason has been thinking more and more about how things in his life are stressful, but there’s also so many goals of his that are coming closer in view, and despite how great some of the more grandiose fantasies would be, just living well would be a way better outcome. But there’s always the “could be better” mentality that pretty much everyone gets at some point or another. It seems that he’s starting to understand the difference between wants and needs and it’s totally possible to get a little bit of both and a whole lot else along the way and still be perfectly happy. Will can relate cause he grew up pretty poor and even at the outlet mall people looked at him and his family like they were scum class citizens. Rawdog grew up sort of well taken care of and always thought his rich kid friends who had $50,000 bar mitzvahs and flashy cars in high school were dumbasses for throwing it around when they didn’t even really earn it and never learning to be responsible about it. Will admitted that half the reason he stayed to endure the torture that it is to work with the guys is because he wants to see this baby bird called the Jason Ellis show grow to be so big and strong that it can pick up a wildebeest in each clawed foot and drop the deboned carcasses at the top of the Swiss alps with a fresh pair of boots made out of the aforementioned wildebeest’s hides. And to say thank you for such a wonderful sentiment, the guys played a new Death!Death!Die! song for him! And if you liked Butt Town, you have no idea how much better of a song Will got. Seriously, it was like every Elton John tribute song got covered by Pennywise all in one track. If you want that track on your iPod, you can go to deathdeathdie.com and pre-order the CD now. They’re shipping out next week folks, don’t miss the fucking extravaganza. The guys did Wolfknives names for a little bit, so we got to salute all the new members like Baby Cage, King Richard the Turd, Anal Suction, Death Box, Shit Stain, Alcoholica, and Nigeria. And if you’ve got some time to kill, patriotguard.org is down for technical problems so go watch porn or something.

Freddie Roach got a call from GSP that he won’t fight again without Freddie in his corner. Ryan Parsons was in studio to talk MMA and whether or not GSP got thrown a fucking handout cause he’s a big name. And since I didn’t watch it, I can’t really give an opinion but god damn if the internet didn’t come to it’s own conclusion. The guys talked MMA technique and stuff for a while, and all the stuff that happened at UFC 167 this past weekend. Ryan got a skateboarding lesson from Jason years ago and ate more shit than Two Girls one cup, but he could still punch the jawbone clean off of anybody who was at the ramp that day. Something new in the world of fight sports is that Ryan is doing a study on the kinds of forces exerted against your hand in different kinds of blows, and they’re using the data to finally come up with something new in hand wraps and see what everybody’s best blows are so they can train to get the most use out of them. Of course, with all the talk of punching shit it just wouldn’t be right not to have Ryan take a stab at it. But more importantly, he’s gotta do it his own version show punch-o-meter that may actually be a quality piece of equipment that gives numbers worth listing. And before that, Jason got a lesson on how badly he fails at wrapping his hands when he trains. Rawdog was the first to try the new punch machine and landed a sweet score of 1,740 watts! But unfortunately the world record is somewhere near 84,000, so not impressive to put out in the low thousands. Tully gave it a shot and landed somewhere in the low 10k’s, so definitely not a man to ignore if he’s swinging at you. Ellis’ highest was right around 53,000 and Wu-Tang clan ain’t nothing to fuck with. The guys talked fighting some more and how much sense these new technologically advanced hand wraps work and how smart people are always gonna be needed to make new ways for stupid people do things better. There were some more strength tests and stuff and Tully could probably come pretty close to choking Rawdog to death with one hand, and Josh probably couldn’t crush an apricot. On a more surprising note, Ellis scored between the other two, but way closer to Rawdog. After all the chest pounding and animal grunts, the guys talked for a while about how all this science is applied practically in the real world of fight sports and it sounds like it would be a pretty interesting set of numbers to look over if you’re into that kind of thing. The scientist that Ryan brought along weighed in on all the research and stuff they were doing and threatened to give Rawdog a muscle biopsy, but after seeing the coax cable sized needle they would need to use to take a sample, it was pretty universally agreed that some things are really close to that fine line between comedy and physical abuse. This brought about talk of testosterone replacement therapy and how HGH doesn’t work for shit unless you haven’t gotten your puberty growth spurt yet. There’s research that shows that people with PTSD benefit highly from doing mixed martial arts, so much so that it’s becoming part of the therapy for returning veterans, and since the veterans don’t get nearly the help they should then why not have them do something good for themselves?

Tully prepared a speech for his bid to become the new Prime Minister of Canada, but first, Mexico is the fattest country in the world! Just barely inching out all the previous contenders, who are all floating somewhere around 65-70% population fatness. But more important, back to Canada, a Canadian fan stopped by the studio to hang out with the guys and hear what makes Tully think he can run the friendliest country in the world. The most important parts of this are that Rawdog was the one who wrote the speech, and in honor of what Tully may think he did a great job. Some talking points to note:

1. Canada is a native word that means “land.”

2. It’s the twinkle in a child’s eye when he tells his mother FUCK YOU!!!

3. Tully will cut taxes and double down on all kinds of free shit for the canucks.

4. God Bless America, and then Canada.

The Canadian guest said he wouldn’t vote for Tully, so Rawdog’s back up career seems pretty well fucked right out of the gate, but he’ll get another shot if Ellis lets him write his speech for asking Scott Greenstein for a raise. Jodi (the Canadian) talked for a while about some research he’s doing about PTSD and some of the new therapies and stuff that are being used on it. He’s a veteran and has seen some heavy shit and knows a thing or two about therapy and what works and doesn’t when you’re trying to get back to a normal working state of mind. There’s been some experimenting with robot therapists (Josh came all over himself hearing that) and the results so far have been pretty awesome. The guys turned to the phones for final calls and like most days, there were plenty of people worth hanging up on but you can all go vote for the reverse awards and sign up to ellismania.com to watch dirtbike shit and even good old fashioned anal porn with a chick screaming RED DRAGONS on insertion! Or you could go to patriotguard.org and keep clicking refresh until they’ve got their hardware problems worked out.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,