Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 12/3/13

In honor of Big Fucking Mega boat showing up in the mail on Friday, I went out and bought an actual Big Fucking Mega Boat. More specifically, a 1989 Dodge Ram, but when you live where I do, it might as well be a 300 ft. yacht with wheels. Unfortunately, it’s got no stereo, so I haven’t been able to blast “Big Fucking Mega Boat” while driving just yet, but that’s coming soon. Truck yeah! It’s half time America, go buy a Dodge!!! But enough about me, we’re here to stare intently at the radio and giggle at the noises coming out of it. The show started with Ellis telling us all about how sometimes stuff makes your rectum hurt, and sometimes you might think you have cancer, and sometimes shit is just great. Ellis had tacos at some place where a lot of gay dudes hang out, and Shoebox told him that the champagne brunch there is incredible. Katie went to therapy with Katie last night cause her memory hasn’t been sullied by several concussions and years of drug use, and it’s helpful to have someone around who can remember stuff so you can work it out. Shoebox found a picture of Ellis and Devin walking around and apparently Devin is a punk rock fashionista, wit the assistance of Katie’s seemingly endless collection of studs and black. Rude Jude came by to let us visit his drug withdrawals. He sounded kind of beat up, but in one of those really good ways. Tully gave him the idea to interview himself high and answer his questions sober, cause that actually would be some pretty entertaining shit. Jude was trying to do Ketamine last night, but shit just wasn’t gonna fly, so he decided to take a day off. Jason set up a new gym at his house courtesy of the guys at Onnit and was going hard in the mother fucking paint the last couple days. Apparently kettle bells are some hard core shit if you do them right, and there’s a guy on some video who can vouch for it by being the sickest kettle cunt ever. Katie is quickly growing an ass that can only be described as unstoppable, and I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would say the same thing after seeing her at EM9. Katie also is way into black metal and Satanic shit, and that’s probably why she’s so likeable to so many of us. Death!Death!Die! Topped Pearl Jam and Lady GaGa in Canada, and god damn if that doesn’t make me happy as all fuck because Pearl Jam was good, but GaGa makes me want to strangle toddlers. Jude told a story about how he was home one night playing cards and his friend got all uppity cause he kept losing, and Jude was drinking opium tea cause white people aren’t all bad, but anyways when he went to bed he was tossing and turning and listening to a podcast about world war 1. His sister came over a little later and Jude heard someone come into his room which surprised him cause he and his sister have met and she should know all the horrors that might await if she was to barge into his shit like that, BUT NO IT WAS SOME DUDE GOING THROUGH HIS DRESSER!!! Jude went caveman on his ass and charged on him to try and get him out of the house, he smashed dude’s head on the wall a bunch of times on the way to the door and chunked him up a few times and dude started apologizing like a gay Mexican tweaker. Jude got him out the door and tried to throw him over the fence but ended up stopping himself halfway and getting dude stuck on top of the wall so he slithered out of his sweatshirt and ran off down the street. Of course, the cops had to believe that Jude was on drugs and thought he might have been the antagonist in this particular case, but all in all it worked out cause Jude’s not in prison and random gay Mexican tweaker didn’t get any of his stuff. Moral of the story is, if someone breaks into your house, make sure you beat them so badly they don’t remember what happened and can’t sue you for assault. Ellis went to see Bone Thugs last week and upstairs was shit, but down in the pit was a fucking festival. Except when Warren G showed up late and told everyone it’s cause of traffic. REGULATORS!!! Tully had to look up Bone Thugs on Wikipedia before they came in but couldn’t keep track of all the ins and outs and jail time and ass whoopings that have taken place over the years. Phil Collins gets the hook pass for all the times that rappers sample his hits to make their own. Some guy called to ask the guys how they think they would react to a home invader if they had a gun and they kicked around the different ideas for a while on what weapons they would have had and how they would use them and what is or isn’t the right way to react when a cracked out central American power-bottom takes a tour of your wardrobe without asking. Basically, as much as killing them might alleviate the symptom, it sucks if you’d like to have a personal life or a day job, cause you’ll be in court for months, not to mention that you’re gonna have to come to terms with killing a guy. Jude has no problem with how his situation went and there’s probably lots of people who would feel the same way if it went the exact same for them. Will came in to give his two cents on how the aftermath should have been handled, like maybe not calling the cops, but chasing dude back to his house to fuck up all his friends, cause the kind of person who checks door knobs and then comes back to get his sweatshirt after getting his ass kicked by the guy he was about to rob probably has a whole crew. The guys watched the Bone Thugs video with Phil Collins and yes, it did look like they were gonna shank him and take his car keys, not cause any of them are black, but because Phil Collins looks like a victim. Except for that one time when he divorced his wife by fax, cause that is FUCKING GANGSTA MOTHA FUCKAAAA!!! Ellis has made it official that if he and Fifty both die relatively close to each other time wise, he wants a viking cremation at sea with papa Fifty riding shotgun. And what better vessel than a stand up paddle board? And why not do it naked? I mean come on, that’s the fucking way to send off your corpse. Jason took a test run of this earlier (minus being set on fire) and everyone at the beach got a free show of his exercise-receded penis and slightly misshapen action sports buttocks and it was enough to fuck up his ex-wife’s day and even when you’re friends with the person you divorce it’s still nice to twist the knife a little from time to time. Tully had a similar cock receding story from one time when he did some coke and was taking a piss and some tranny saw his acorn stump and more importantly his wife was in the room helping the tranny with her wardrobe or some such shit when she called him out on it. There was some more talk about surfing and stuff, and things, and making shit awkward for your exes which I can say from first hand experience is all kinds of fun but if you were the one at fault you are a complete prick, and stuff. All of this was setup for a couple things happening later, like shark news and some author guy who might be coming in to chat. But in the meantime, you should listen to Ozzy and sacrifice a pigeon.


I TOLD YOU THERE WAS GONNA BE SHARK NEWS BITCHES! Some dude in Maui died while fishing from his kayak after being eaten by a shark. Which is why you should be smart enough not to go fishing in shark infested waters without a proper vessel. So fuck you for getting yourself killed, dude, this shit is Darwinism at work. Ever wonder why the Dodo is extinct? Cause it probably had a habit of walking into volcanoes cause they were warm. Fuckin’ tard bird had it coming. And if Shoebox would have had his way, he would have been able to grow gills in the swimming pool after popping a few E-bombs. The guys had a guest this afternoon, a guy who wrote a book about the seedy underworld of professional surfing. He’s had his nose broken a few times and apparently is the exact person to ask what goes on out in the reef. Before being a surf reporter, this guy Chas was a war reporter in Yemen and Afghanistan and it probably wouldn’t have all worked out the way it did if Osama would have learned to surf. He got captured while he was covering Israel invading Lebanon and shit got hectic but somebody gave them a mitzvah and let them go after they found out that him and his buddy were just two shithead journalists who didn’t have the good sense to walk the opposite direction of a gun barrel. Apparently the surf community is just as harsh, almost on the level of cock fighting or gay porn. Surfers are known to brawl over shit, mostly corporate, and have been known to prevent people’s deaths by stomping their kidneys out before they have a chance to get killed on a 30 foot wave. The guys talked for a while about all the crazy surf missions they’ve gone on and waves and not giving a fuck and parking lot brawls and such and such. It’s pretty big in Hawaii too, the whole underworld surf mafia shit I mean. The guys talked about Chas’ book and that made almost no difference cause Shoebox probably never heard of the guy and Ellis doesn’t read and Tully has a baby so he doesn’t have the free time to fill the emptiness of his life with anything other than cartoons and diaper changing. All in all, the book is about the two great polar opposites that make up the population of Hawaii, from the meth smoking surf gang bangers, to the peaceful beaches filled with serene locals living out their days in Nirvana. And if you wanted a reason to hate Quicksilver, just know that they started their company on cocaine dollars earned from Australians. But you’re not likely to get many more details than that unless you ask Quicksilver yourself. Meth is huge in Santa Cruz, also, much like surfing. Laird Hamilton isn’t smoking crystal though, so he’s safe to have as a role model. There was some talk about skateboarding too, since the two are pretty closely related, at least in modern times, and Chas probably doesn’t have quite the inside info that Jason does, but all the same we can be one big happy action sports family and be sick cunts, minus meth, and do other things as well, like radio or rally cross or becoming DJ Blackout. The guys shared some more surfing stories and a good time was had by all. Once again, perfect segue for everything is Ozzy cause god dammit, Satan is real and he has riffs for days.


So, elephant in the room time. As pretty much everyone should know by now, Rawdog has officially quit the show. Ellis said his piece, Rawdog said his piece on a blog earlier today, and hopefully there’s no permanently bad blood between everyone and things are going to work themselves out in the long run. Ellis and Rawdog have been fighting a lot, neither of them wants to do it, they don’t think it’s good for the show, everyone agrees on that much and they want it done with. If you take all the opinion out of it, those are the facts. If you feel like complaining and being an asshole on Twitter and Instagram, go right ahead, but it’s probably not going to change a whole fuck of a lot. I get it when people say how they feel fucked up like it’s losing a family member or something, as a child of divorce myself it’s kind of similar, except that I’m not related to anybody at the show and not much that they do is going to be a defining factor in the rest of my life. It’s some guys I like to listen to on the radio and I’m not so deeply involved that I can’t detach myself from that. Personally, he had some great moments that I can still laugh at anytime, but the drama was pretty draining and that’s on more than one person’s part. I don’t wish any ill will on any of them. People aren’t the same for their entire lives, so when they grow and change and want different things as they get older it’s fucking normal. Sometimes that means changing who you keep around you. Enough with the bitch and moan fest on the internet while I’m trying to get a laugh off everybody’s obscene jokes and shithead kid pictures. So that’s enough street therapy out of me. If you want more, my time has a fucking steep markup, so get to writin’ them checks, mother fuckers. Anyways, Shoebox found some really great clips on the internet of isolated vocal tracks from popular songs, and it was a great expose of how musicians used to be musicians until autotune came around and turned everybody into dancing 1850’s black stereotypes. First one we heard was Marvin Gaye singing Heard it Through the Grapevine with backup vocals and all. Now, Marvin Gaye was a fucking champion and we all know that. But isolated, it’s a totally different level of musical talent than it is with the band. I mean, I’ve been told I’m a decent singer, but I could never match talent with something like that. I can’t jump octaves or improvise by ear like he could. Seriously, it was insane. And even the backing vocals had more talent than 85% of the shit that makes it on the radio these days. Next we heard Christian chewing his sandwich while announcing the next vocal track, which was Paul McCartney’s lines from Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely hearts Club Band, with John Lennon singing an intentionally fucked up harmony so that it could be differentiated when listening at home. If that song had just been a barber shop quartet jingle, it would have worked. Fuck the instruments, it would have been the one time Ringo didn’t completely fail them as a drummer. And as an interesting side note, the Sgt. Pepper’s album came out on a Friday and Jimi Hendrix taught his band the entire album in two days and performed it live at a show that the Beatles just happened to attend, cause Jimi was one of the original sick cunts like that. After that we heard the raw audio of Freddie Mercury singing Killer Queen and if you didn’t like Queen before, YOU BETTER LIKE THEM NOW OR I WILL DIG UP FREDDIE MERCURY AND GIVE YOU HIS AIDS SO YOU CAN SUFFER AND BURN IN HELL FOR BEING A FUCKING MORON!!! Seriously, he sang on a level above most opera singers, he even did the backup vocals on almost everything. If you’re mind wasn’t sufficiently blown after that, even Bob Marley laid some pretty incredible singing down on Is This Love. I unfortunately lived with a couple hippies for a few years, so I generally avoid all things Bob Marley just for the tired-of-it factor, but I had no interest in changing the station for this. The combination of accent, improvisation and raw lyrical talent is pretty impressive to hear without the instruments in the background. Jah and the herb might have had something to do with it, but that’s beside the point. Last but not least, we got a taste of Def Leppard and that shit was almost intolerable, hence the joke “What has nine arms and sucks? Def Leppard.” Granted, I can’t scream for that long in key, but Def Leppard doesn’t do it for me. And what better way to stop listening to music than to take a song break?


The guys came back with a news story about some dudes who tried to rob a store in Canadianadanadadiadiadiada. News was quickly derailed so the guys could make the distinction over what color people are the best at cricket, and flesh tones aside, Australians are the best. But fuck New Zealand. Back to the news, the guys who tried to rob this store got pepper sprayed by the old man at the counter and then he spanked the shit out of them like they were a couple kindergarteners, AND THEN THE WIFE JOINED IN!!! Adding insult to injury never makes for a good experience, no matter what you’re doing, and getting spanked out of a liquor store during an attempted robbery sounds like the kind of shit that would make me reconsider a few life choices. The guys talked for a few minutes about the unfortunate death of Paul Walker and I’m not gonna make any Fast And Furious jokes because they already did that by having a third sequel. Some phone calls came in and it was a fair amount of the same shit we’re used to, but not as bad as it normally is. There was some car talk, cause it’s not like I ever get enough of that with my day job at an auto repair shop or anything, and Pendarvis and Shoebox seem to be pretty knowledgeable about all of it. Shoebox also drove a souped up Volvo 125 MPH while he was on prozac and it didn’t phase him for a second, so from a Volvo lover to Christian James Hand, fist bump, my N-bomb. And Justin Beiber has one guy who does nothing but autotune his vocals, so fuck that little bastard right in his triple platinum coated existence. That was about all there was today, and if you’re not satisfied I DON’T GIVE A FUCK I HAVE A BIG FUCKING MEGA BOAT AND WILL SHOOT RABBITS AND TITTIES AT YOU!!!


Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

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