NOYOUAREDOTLIXLINKDOTCOM!!!!! Asking the tough questions so you have something to Google! Questions like “What would happen if a man were to jerk off into a deep fryer?” Would it explode into a grease fire like if you poured water into it? Or would it bounce like a drop of warm blood on a hockey rink? Would it cataclysmically implode the Jack In The Box your pathetic life has decided to land you at? Or maybe it would cause accelerated growth of your sperm cells into some sort of mutant gigantic-headed dolphin/snake type creatures? Maybe it’s time for us to ponder more important things, like what’s happening on the Jason Ellis Show! Today’s show kicked off with Jason showing that he’s probably never gonna be cool with the “Tie Me Kangaroo Down” song ever again cause Rolf Harris is a racist asshole and can choke on a dick down under. Granted, he did make a statement saying that he never really intended it that way, but it’s not too far from being offensive to the natives, so never again, fuckers. Jason feels that Americans are far more entertaining than Australians, except for himself, but then again he’s been living here long enough to learn a thing or two. Tully equated this to Mozart for some reason and presented lots of facts about him that I never knew, but since I never listen to classical music it doesn’t really serve me to have this information. Ellis decided that they needed to sit and listen to some Mozart to see if they can really put a concrete unbiased opinion on whether or not Mozart was as sick of a cunt as history would have us believe. Some Australian guy in Canada called in with some Rolf Harris news and apparently, aside from being a racist, he REALLY likes the kids, like way more than a grown man should, if you catch my drift. The guys listened to some Mozart for a bit and if it didn’t make me feel like I was sitting in a dentist’s office I would probably appreciate it more, but the guys seemed to enjoy it. But it doesn’t display nearly the same amount of talent as Michael Jordan posterizing every other player in the NBA from the early 80’s all the way through the 90’s and a couple years past 2000. At least MJ probably treated his wives better though, Mozart probably cranked out a fuck ton of illegitimate prostitute babies and suffered of a burning dick hole at least the larger half of the end of his life. Tully went into more historical detail about Mozart and classical composers and other such shit, and if you’re a music history nerd you probably shot a load all over yourself, while the rest of us sat back and listened and waited to hear something explode or a fucking heavy riff or something with tits to start bouncing them at us. Luckily though, our great great great grandchildren won’t have to hear about 50 Cent the way people today have to hear about Mozart. And Tony Yayo is luckily so shitty that he never has to really be good at anything, he’ll be remembered forever for that time he stabbed a guy at the BET awards. The guys talked shitty rappers for a minute, cause there really have been a bunch of them, especially in recent years. Guys like City Spud, whose twitter is about as pointless as a spam account offering to make you money at home. Ellis got a chance to talk to his doctor about the lump on the side of his head and it’s definitely not cancer. Might not even need to be cut out, it could just pop all on it’s own, which will be on EllisMania.com if it happens that way. Also, the Porsche is gonna be out of the shop soon and Progressive is gonna have a swollen bleeding asshole after finally covering the repairs they should have from the start. Jason is appreciating his Cadillac rental car though, and it would certainly be a respectable choice for a guy who wants some class and some balls and room for two car seats. Tully watched a guy get killed in a crosswalk one time and knows how important it is to have a car that’ll bounce a human carcass off the hood like a beach ball. Ellis got a chance to sit in on the Greg Fitzsimmons show and the Greg Fitzsimmons podcast, both of which are essentially the same thing, just occurring at different times of day. Greg and the callers tried to pry into Jason’s life a bit in some pretty uncalled for ways, but all in all it wasn’t too bad. Somebody asked if Jason thinks he’s better than Howard Stern and since this is a matter of opinion, of course Jason said yes and everyone else is allowed to think whatever the fuck they want. And people need to quick jocking everybody’s shit, cause sometimes things are none of your business and you’re acting like you’re in junior high even though your a 40-something year old man who runs PerezHilton.com. There was some talk about the medical system and how the doctors are probably awesome people and insurance companies can suck a fat dick, and while we’re at it, let’s cut the cops, firefighters and paramedics a break too. My sister actually is a paramedic, so FUCK YOU we’re cutting them a break, they’ve got some harsh shit to deal with on a day to day basis that most people wouldn’t ever want to do just the one time. Tully remembers back when he was waiting tables and a cop came in to eat and they pushed him forward in line even though the same cop was probably gonna bust up their kegger later that same night, but he probably saved a little kid from being beaten to death by their dad or something, so they let it slide. The guys took to the phones and first call that came through was about how little the government appreciates veterans, and while it’s nothing new, it’s actually getting worse and that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest cause politicians don’t give a fuck about anyone and they all need to get kicked in the cunt with a pair of ice skates. There was a little politics talk, and that usually brings out the best in everybody, but in this particular case the really good point is that all the incumbents need to fuck right off and then we can start seeing if the talent pool has anything other than toddler piss and college level turds in it. Long story short, WWWIIIIIILLLLLLL!!!!! GOTTA TAKE ON THE GOVERNMENT WWWIIILLLLLLLLLLL!!!!! Or, we could all take shrooms and paint ourselves blue and go General Butt Naked on each other and just let the vibes guide us for a year or two (that probably worked out great back in the 60’s). Let’s have some Van Halen to think that over for a bit.
In case you didn’t hear, celebrity wife Bruce Jenner recently was briefly mentioned on the Jason Ellis show and then the guys started talking about their plans for the holidays and how family drama can become more entertaining as you get older and get to the point where you can watch it from the outside like an episode of bum fights. Considering my own family, I hope to pass this tradition on to my nieces and nephews someday, cause it’s kinda classic watching a group of people who all want to stab each other repeatedly trying to hold a civilized conversation but you can totally see the blood vessel in the side of their neck bulging like it wants to hop out and choke the mother fucker on the other side of the room. Tully has noticed that his wife may be a stand up lady, but if there was something better to kill time doing, she’d probably go for it. Oh, she denies it, but he knows it’s just for the kid. But she still does laugh for real when his impeccable wit strikes, so it’s not all bad. And that baby that Mrs. Tully is sticking around for is truly half Asian, cause he has a little push bike that he rides around the house and occasionally forgets how to turn or smacks it into a wall and forgets that you can go in reverse. Back to Bruce Jenner real quick, aside from the fact that he’s slowly turning into a bar of Dove soap, he recently rescheduled an appointment to get a procedure done to flatten his Adam’s apple, thus getting one step closer to becoming the ultimate celebrity eunuch. Just kidding folks, the real reason is cause he just never felt comfortable with his trachea, cause I guess that’s a thing now, which means that the Heaven’s Gate people might have been on to something with that whole “kool-aid” deal they did that one time. One of the “Real Housewives of D.C.” is in the news after she had a pay-per-view wedding, with special guests Sammy Hagar and Omarosa, which just goes to show you that the death penelty still needs to exist, but needs a slight tweak to the way it’s applied. And as a special twist, since I don’t watch that shit, this is the same lady that dumped one of the original husbands on the show and ended up marrying one of the guys from Journey. That’s right, everybody, stop believing. Right now. You will not have it any way you want it. No matter what city they move to, I can promise you it was not built on rock and roll. A caller chimed in to let everybody know that she saw Bruce Jenner in the grocery store and his plastic surgery really does look worse than the shit we see in TV and magazines, so I guess that’s one positive point to my day. Canada recently approved a plan for grocery stores to start selling seal meat! Clubbing the babies for their pelts wasn’t enough, now you can come home and have an adorable fatty steak that’ll balance a beach ball on it’s nose. China is going to start buying absolute metric fuck tonnes of British pig semen. They put pretty much everything in everything there, so this doesn’t surprise me so much. At least they’re not using it as some ancient Chinese folk remedy for tuberculosis or small penises. The somewhat famous soccer player Ronaldo (who apparently has no last name) just recently opened a museum devoted entirely to RONALDO!!! RDRDRDRDDRDRRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDONALDO MOTHER FUCKERS!!! And people think I’m an asshole cause I refuse to watch pro football due to the fact that the NFL is officially a non-profit organization. I’ve been saying fuck soccer for years too, people. And in news that only reaffirms my belief that people today are undeniably massive pussies, a 6 year old kid got suspended from school for sexual harassment after he kissed a classmate on the hand. I stand behind Jason’s idea to have the president respond to these kinds of things with a 5 second Instagram video about what a fucking idiot you are and your taxes are gonna go up 185% cause you’re a dumbass and deserve to starve to death in constant ridicule of your fellow citizens. Our last piece of news is that a Japanese man went on a $200,000 crime spree to feed his massive collection of 120 cats. Considering that a lot of people who are really into computers prefer cats as pets cause they don’t need to go outside, and Japan is sucking that technology dick like it’s got the last two pebbles of crack they need to be OK for the night, I have no trouble believing that something like this was gonna happen eventually. But hey, we can make a fuck ton of violins now, am I right? The guys took some phone calls on all the signs of the impending apocalypse that we just heard about, and I had a hell of a day cosigning everyone else’s opinion so I’m not even gonna get into who is or isn’t right about any of it. The guys watched a video of RDRDRDRDRDRONALDO and I’m guessing it mostly looked like soccer, but it had the kind of background music that upper middle class would refer to as “urban.” And on the same vein, let’s get a taste of some Smoked Out Clit.
If you hate the government, you probably also feel very strongly that the rock and roll hall of fame has turned itself into an absolute crock of shit, which segues perfectly into another rousing edition of Shoebox’s Isolated Vocal Extravaganza! But real quick, fuck Cat Stevens and his religions of necessity that can be changed depending on situational emergencies like surfing somewhere you shouldn’t. First in the list of songs today was David Lee Roth’s vocal track from Running with the Devil. Now, I’ve heard this one years ago and without the backing instrumental, it is missing something during all the whoo’s and hAAAAIIIIAAAAAAAAHHAHHHHAAAA’s but the rest of it does show some pretty respectable talent that is rarely seen today. Next up was the raw vocals from Michael Jackson on Man In The Mirror and no matter what you want to say about MJ, it took a lot a of self control not to drop a “SHAAMMONNE!” on everything and the tone control and vibrato he could produce was pretty incredible. Even on the multi tracking, he could harmonize the fuck out of himself. After that was a slightly different tune, namely Kurt Cobain singing one of the Nirvana songs that I couldn’t actually recognize the lyrics of, but as a fan of punk rockers destroying their vocal chords I respect the effort and the finished product was always something I liked. Next, we took a totally different trip and hear Barry Gibb’s raw vocals from Stayin’ alive and no matter how much disco sucks, Barry Gibb was a fucking champion and could easily smash your face through a glass coffee table covered in cocaine and still seduce your mom after she watched him do it. Up next we heard raw vocals from John Lennon on some Beatles song and it really sucks that he got shot in the back, but it’s even worse that Yoko had to come along. Apparently since they recorded everything on four track back then, it was also next to impossible to adjust the tones of any of the sounds on any songs they recorded with extra musicians and excessive instruments beyond the original guitar, bass, drums and vocals, because the way they did it would be to pack a bunch of shit on one track, and then record the next set of stuff absolutely perfectly on the next layer, and so on and so on. It sucks that there’s not more of this stuff, cause it really does go to show how many modern musicians really don’t put any god damn work into the crap they crank out and that’s why it’s pointless to buy CD’s anymore cause before you know it your gonna be swimming in bits of plastic that don’t deserve t ever be put in your stereo again. And the commentary from Christians vast knowledge of weird random music shit is just top notch as well.
Quick bit of news, some firefighters accidentally pumped jet fuel all over a raging fie cause somehow the pump looked just like a fire hydrant or something. Tard session. This prompted Jason to start spitballing ideas for a fire party until he finally landed on having a fire boat. Don’t take it too far out to see though, cause if the boat fire gets out of hand everybody can jump off and swim ashore. Or something. I think they were talking about making a canoe into an island and having a fire there or something, that would be cool too, I suppose. But whatever, cause now it’s time for YOU SIR ARE A MORON! First question, is the number of sexual partners acceptable for a man the same as a woman? Most people would say that in public, it’s all equal, but behind closed doors patriarchy hasn’t gone anywhere. The guys all pretty much agreed on this, except for that small percentage of ladies that doesn’t know how to turn down some dick. Tully started sweating because he doesn’t know how many his wife has had and was about to run home and reenact the “I’M NUMBER THIRTY SEVEN?!?!?!” scene from Clerks. Question number two, does God have a sense of humor? And the answer is obviously yes because he/she/it made the duck billed platypus and YouTube. Next, Who is the worlds greatest athlete? Kelly Slater and Muhammad Ali were mentioned, there’s probably a million other people that could be nominated, but that conversation could go on for years on Sportscenter. Next question, do you believe in luck? And although the guys might use the word, they’re not gonna apply it to everything the same. And some unlucky people in England back around the mid-late nineties got to experience it when Tully and his college buddies came up with the game known as “Poo-Dollar.” After that, the next question was do you believe people are inherently good? Myself, I work with the general public and I can promise you that they’re not all inherently bad, but some of them need to bashed about the skull with a sheleili. Next question, what is the most terrifying natural disaster? Sharknado was suggested, roving packs of monkeys, and poor fuel economy. Shoebox isn’t a huge fan of earthquakes simply because there’s nothing you can look at and turn the other way and run from. Tully suggested a new SyFy original movie: MonkeyQuake, where an earthquake opens a fissure in the ground and pissed off monkeys start flooding out of it from the center of the earth. Next question, what would you tell your 12 year old self right now? And I think that if my 12 year old self was partying with me today, I’d tell him “as soon as you turn eighteen, RUN MUTHA FUCKA!!! GET THE FUCK OUT OF OAKLAND AND NEVER COME BACK!!!” or something to that effect. Jason would tell his younger self not to stress too much, cause shit’s gonna be okay. Tully would tell his juvenile doppleganger to go on a sex rampage and that’s actually a pretty sweet idea, and Shoebox would say the same thing as Jason and also tell his twelve year old avatar that when he meets a certain young lady he shouldn’t date her, but instead just plant a boot in her snatch and walk away. Next question, if you saw someone shoplifting what would you do? The simple answer is, rich kid from the burbs stealing something he could pay for just cause he wants attention, give him that attention by pounding his kidneys into a fine slurry, but a poor person stealing from a rich company so they can stay alive for the night, just make sure they’re not going too overboard with it. Next question, if you could bring one historical figure back to life, who would it be? Obviously, there’s Zombie Jesus, Genghis Khan, or the real regular Jesus so we can clear up a few things about this book everyone’s been trying to say they know the meaning of even though they weren’t there when it was written and it’s been translated too many times to be anywhere close to an exact copy of the original. NEXT QUESTION What’s the most extreme example of a good lace to travel but you wouldn’t want to live there? The obvious answer is a brothel, unless it’s on the water front and has a Starbucks nearby. Also, Vietnam, Iceland, Egypt, the oil fields of Alberta, and everywhere Jason wants to go on vacation, cause it’s great while he’s there but gets boring quick. Las Vegas cause seriously, if you’ve never been outside the casino area, it’s hard to imagine anything else. Africa, cause shit is kinda fucked up there. Next question, would a sex tape help or hurt Jason Ellis’ career? And the obvious answer is, it would help but only if it was with somebody famous. And finally, what does a blind person see? And the answer is obviously HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY SEEING THINGS IF THEY’RE BLIND?!?!?! THEY MUST ALL BE SUPERHEROES LIKE BEN AFFLECK IN DAREDEVIL!!!! Or, depending on their medical condition they could see lights or blinks of thinks, not just complete empty blackness. So that’s pretty much it for the day, there were one or two final calls and Shoebox wants 1000 followers on Instagram so go make it happen people, or Zombie Jesus is gonna sic the Amish on you during the coming dead uprising.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,